Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Two ways you can help yourself meeting new people after a narcissist relationship.
If you feel like you can no longer speak up for yourself, because you’ve been programmed by the narcissist, not to have an opinion, thoughts or feelings about things, unless it met their needs, if you spoke up, you received, silent treatment, projection, anger, gaslighting and so much more, if you’ve spoken up for yourself to receive false accusations, had it all twisted around on you, never given answers, you were left not knowing if you were coming or going, what’s fact and what’s fiction. This causes you to shut down and no longer be able to speak up for yourself, you did this with the narcissist as that was your inner self, protecting you, then it becomes a learned behavioural pattern in life after the relationship, you can, and you will unlearn this, believe in yourself. If you have been left with anxiety and full of dread to speak up for yourself, right now, you can, and you will change this.
As you are healing, when you set boundaries with people, you might be already questioning how they may respond to you.
Feeling like you have to always answer to others, be it phone calls, someone at the door, message, because if you didn’t do so, with the narcissist you knew there would be trouble, it could last after the narcissistic relationship is over, you could find yourself, still giving into people then questioning yourself as to why you did. From little things to big things are you always finding it hard to say no to people? Are you answering questions to people that you don’t want to answer? Including your ex narcissist, are you now a people pleaser?
When you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you’ve been trained up to drop what you are doing for fear of reactions or getting punished, with constant manipulation, blame-shifting, gaslighting, silent treatment, leading you to walk on eggshells around them, you now might have so much anxiety in you, you respond instantly to try and heal that anxiety, yet you end up with more self-doubt and more anxiety for doing something you didn’t want to do.
You need to overcome your inner guilt and obligation towards others and help calm your anxiety, it’s not real guilt, it’s only because you’ve been trained by the narcissist that you feel the need to drop everything, and answer to other people.
To stand up against your inner guilt, you have to learn to value yourself and your life, you’ll learn to stop dropping everything to answer to others. This will help you also to no longer respond to the narcissist, so next time the narcissist messages ten times, swapping and changing the conversation around to get reactions from you, tell yourself. “I don’t have to answer that.” Repeatedly until it sinks in, you will get better within yourself, and it will get so much easier, to begin just tell yourself that same thing, reprogram your mind, you reprogrammed it to suit the narcissist, so it is possible to reprogram it to suit you.
Then with others, if you are busy, no you don’t have to message straight away if they’re busy they’ll not message you straight away, and you’ll have a mutual understanding and respect for it, speak up for you and what you believe in.
You need to learn your own truth, be willing to speak up for it, tell yourself if you’re met with anger or aggression, just walk away from that person, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life, make sure your actions match your words, you have the right to be yourself, and you have the ability within you to be yourself, you have the right to stand up for what you believe in, you have the right to your own opinions, so keep telling yourself that, people will show their true colours and when they do. Do not repaint them, walk free you don’t need their negativity, you are wiser now, and you know what to look out for in people,
After a narcissist relationship, most people will go around, marking everyone they meet as a narcissist, don’t create story’s in your head, observe technique, I shall put the video on the end. Allow people to reveal they’re true selves, not everyone is a narcissist, yes people can have one or two traits, but they need at least five negative characteristics to be a narcissist, Red flags video at the end.
Just take things slow when you meet new people, good people with their own happiness will be good with that, don’t worry about those who walk away, stay true to yourself, don’t chase, and don’t guard, the right people will stay, if you’re at your worst or best.
You need an innocent until proven guilty mindset. If your dating again, men may need to come close then pull away to proses their own insecurities, give them space to do this they come back if they are real, women, may want you one minute then pull away the next, same to process their own insecurities, or they may not want you out of eyesight for fear of cheating, give them time to learn to trust. Men or women will reveal in time, if they are genuine or a narcissist, just take it slow. What you’re comfortable with. Your instincts will know.
Be willing to understand others if you want them to respect your boundaries, they may not know your boundaries, so if they step over them once, that’s ok. If they then don’t respect that boundary once they know, let them go.
When you speak you for yourself, if they’re full of excuses, or telling you you’re wrong, then let them go, when you meet someone that allows you know you’re entitled to your opinion and don’t react accept it, they are a good person.
People are lazy and do cut corners. That’s fine, but let them know your standards and boundaries, once they see if they don’t respect that let them go. Tune into your intuition with their responses, it will tell you. Watch the actions and make sure they match their words.
Just be true to yourself, you can do this.
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Finding the right support for you.
Walking on eggshells.
The silent treatment.
Video on red flags.
Observe don’t absorb.