What is Gaslighting?
This is possibly the narcissists’ favourite weapon. This article is to describe what gaslighting is, common gaslighting phrases and how it affects you—tips for dealing with it to save your own sanity.
Gaslighting is a passive-aggressive covert way to distort another persons version of reality. To the point where you end up questioning events and eventually your own sanity.
Gaslighting is a covert way for the narcissist to hide the abuse that is happening to you by making you feel like you are going crazy. The narcissists’ goal is to make you think your memory isn’t working right. So you can no longer think straight because your version of reality doesn’t add up, often left with self-doubt, you’ll actually go to the narcissist for clarity, who will just keep gaslighting you and confusing you even more. So slowly, the narcissist becomes in control of your thoughts, your feelings and untimely your life.
Gas-lighters are compulsive liars, and this is why they use it. To gain control and power over others. They will use it to convince you they are Right and convince you that their version of events is true, that your version of reality is wrong. To convince you that your needs, feelings your version of reality are incorrect. They will gaslight to erase the abuse. They use gaslighting to play the Victim and to escape responsibility. As of course, a narcissist is never accountable for anything. To make up stories of events that never happened or to change the circumstances of something that did happen. They use gaslighting to get out of an event or a Promise that they made to you. All to distort your mind and make you think you’re crazy.
The things they will say.
“ I didn’t say that.”
“You said ( then they will then add something you never said) “
“ It’s not a big deal.”
“You must have a problem with time.“ If they’re always late and you bring it up.
“You must have dreamt that.”
“That didn’t happen.”
When you question them, it’s the.
“You’ve got mental problems”. You need a mental evaluation.“
“You’re losing your memory.”
They tell you people told them things about you, to drive a wedge between you and them, Triangulating you, to play you off against each other and always looking to the narcissist for answers.
They will tell you, “ Everyone thinks you are crazy.” So you do not want to speak out.
“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just concerned about you.” Covert narc.
“ I’m only joking .“ Covert narc.
“ I only did that because you abandoned me to meet your friend last week.”
They may sound normal when they say these things to you, but it’s all to distort your reality.
Please remember not everyone is a narcissist. They do need at least five of the nine Characteristics to be on the disorder. Some people might say the odd one and not be a narcissist.
”I’m only joking.“ genuine people might mean it, as they were only joking. Or they might feel bad for upsetting you and say it to try and make you feel better. Remember, everyone can have at least one narcissist trait. A true narcissist will show no remorse, and they’ll do the same thing to hurt you time and time again until you walk away.
What happens to you?
A narcissist just wants to control you. Gaslighting over time gives you brain fog, Self-doubt and leaves you confused. You may feel fear, paranoia, dizzy. You feel vulnerable and find it hard to make choices, and you’ll always be questioning yourself. You stay quiet because you feel like you are losing your mind. Always feeling guilty, always apologising.
You feel lonely and misunderstood. Some people with prolonged gaslighting can end up having a nervous breakdown.
As you recover, you may find that you have to clarify everything twice or more. So you know the reality.
If you’ve been through this, you’ll know that the narcissist erasing the abuse through words often feels worse than the abuse.
Gaslighting only works if you don’t know what the person is doing. Once you know, you can help yourself.
Pay attention to a person’s actions and words to make sure they match. Yes, people can forget from time to time, but if they are continually doing it as well as the other manipulative things they are toxic, and you deserve to be treated better.
Use your own ability to feel. If something feels off or not right, run with that feeling, your intuition is a powerful tool against these people, so trust it. That’s your inner self trying to warn you. Validate your own intuition before looking at others for validation. Write events down with the narcissist so you don’t forget.
Go get a reality check from someone outside of the situation.
Speak up your own truth. Don’t try to rationalise with the person that’s gaslighting you. You are wasting your breath.
Don’t try and get them to accept responsibility. You are wasting your time and effort that you could be putting into yourself. The whole reason they are gaslighting is to avoid being accountable. To avoid responsibility.
If possible, no contact, if you have children with them limited contact at all times, for the children so they can know what reality is as they are putting your sanity and your children’s sanity at risk. If the children do see the other parent, it’s Grey Rock.
Make sure you know your reality and make sure the children know their own reality and not someone else’s.
Please remember not everyone is a narcissist. People are allowed their own opinions. Peoples versions of the same event can differ slightly in a lot of places. Remember if it’s a pattern with one person that keeps happening over and over again and if something feels off, trust that intuition that is making you feel like something is off.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Protect yourself from gaslighting video.