The Narcissist And Gaslighting.

Overcoming Narcissistic abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.


This is possibly the narcissists favourite tool. this article is to describe what gaslighting is, common gaslighting phrases and how it affects you. Tips for dealing with it to save your own sanity.

Gaslighting is an aggressive covert way to distort another person version of reality. To the point where you end you questioning events and eventually your own sanity.

Gaslighting is a way of hiding the abuse that is happening to you by making you feel like you are going crazy. The narcissists goal is to make you think your memory isn’t working right. So you can no longer think straight, because your version of reality doesn’t add up, often left with self-doubt, you’ll actually go to the narcissist for clarity, who will just keep gaslighting you and confusing you even more. So slowly, the narcissist becomes in control of your life and your thoughts.

Gas-lighters are compulsive liars, and this is why they use it. To gain control and power over others. They will use it to convince you they are right and convince you that their version of events is true, that your version of reality is wrong. To convince you that your needs, feelings your version of reality, are incorrect. They will gaslight to erase the abuse, they use gaslighting to play the victim and to escape responsibility. As of course, a narcissist is never accountable for anything. To make up story’s of event that never happened or to change the events of something that did happen. They use gaslighting to get out of an event or a promise that they made to you. All to distort your mind and make you think you’re crazy.

The things they will say

“ I didn’t say that.”

“You said ( then they will then add something you never said) “

“ It’s not a big deal.”

“You must have a problem with time.“ If they’re always late and you bring it up.

“You must have dreamt that.”

“That didn’t happen.”

When you question them, it’s the

“You’re sensitive.“

“You’ve got mental problems” you need a mental evaluation.“

“You’re crazy.”

“You’re paranoid.”

“You’re losing your memory.”

“You’re unhinged.”

“You’re overacting.“

They tell you people told them Stuff about you, to drive a wedge between you and them, triangulating you off against each other and always looking to the narcissist for answers.

They will tell you “ Everyone thinks you are crazy.” So you do not want to speak out.

“No, I didn’t mean it that way I’m just concerned about you.” Covert narc.

“ I’m only joking .“ Overt narc.

“ I only did that because you abandoned me to meet your friend last week.”

They may sound normal when they say these things to you, but it’s all to distort your reality.

Please remember not everyone is a narcissist some People might say the odd one, and not be a narcissist.

”I’m only joking.“ and they might mean it. Or they might feel bad for upsetting you and say it to try and make you feel better. Remember, everyone has at least one narcissist trait. A true narcissist will do everything I’ve written on this page.

What happens to you?

A narcissist just wants to control you. gaslighting over time, gives you brain fog, self-doubt and leaves you confused. You may feel fear, paranoia, dizzy. You feel vulnerable and find it hard to make choices, and you’ll always be questioning yourself. You stay quiet because you feel like you are losing your mind. Always feeling guilty, always apologising.

You feel lonely and misunderstood. Some people with prolonged gaslighting can end up having a nervous breakdown.

As you recover, you may find that you have to clarify everything twice or more. So you know the reality.

If you’ve been through this, you’ll know that the narcissist erasing the abuse through words often feels worse than the abuse.


Gaslighting only works if you don’t know what the person is doing. Once you know, you can help yourself.

Pay attention to a person’s actions, and words make sure they match, yes people can forget from time to time, but if they are continually doing it as well as the other manipulative things they are toxic and you deserve to be treated better.

Use your own ability to feel, if something feels off or not right, run with that feeling, your intuition is a powerful tool against these people, so trust it. That’s your inner self trying to warn you. Validate your own intuition before looking at others for validation. Write events down with the narcissist, so you don’t forget.

Go get a reality check from someone outside of the situation.

Speak up your own truth. Don’t try to rationalise with the person that’s gaslighting you. You are wasting your breath.

Don’t try and get them to accept responsibility, you are wasting your time and effort, that you could be putting into yourself. The whole reason they are gaslighting is to avoid being accountable. To avoid responsibility.

If possible no contact, if you have children with them limited contact at all times, for the children so they can know what reality is. As they are putting your sanity and your children’s sanity at risk. If the children do see the other parent, it’s the grey rock method post.

Make sure you know your reality and make sure the children know their own reality and not someone else’s.

Please remember not everyone is a narcissist, people are allowed their own opinions, peoples versions of the same event can differ slightly in a lot of places. Remember if it’s a pattern with one person that keeps happening over and over again, and something feels off trust that intuition that is making you feel like something is off.

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