Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
How to disarm a toxic person.
So you met someone, got sucked in, your left with no idea of why happened or even how it happened. You are or you have been through all the I could have, would have, should have sort of stuff in your head. You didn’t think at the moment what you could do, you didn’t have the tools to cope with this kind of person. This will help if you’ve got children with a narcissistic ex, or you have family or work colleagues that are toxic. It’ll help when they come at you with.
Covert-aggressive manipulative tactics.
Including phrase you can use so you don’t get drawn in, don’t go on the attack and don’t feel horrible afterwards.
First thing breath. Take a few deep breaths before you respond. Focus on your breathing and becoming mindful. You might notice they are hitting on that same thing within you, using your weaknesses against you, your heart might be racing. They are just trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unworthy so be aware of this within yourself.
Set boundaries and stick with them. The boundaries might be as simple as saying no, say they want to pick children up later and do it regularly to disrupt your life, and they don’t even show up just say “ no it’s 9 as Pre-arranged or not at all” you do not need to respond to any comeback. You stood up for yourself and said no. It’s up to them to either arrive when Pre-arranged or not bother. What they do with that is not your problem.
So set boundaries say no and make sure you enforce it. You must always enforce it.
Observe what’s going on like a third person. Listen and watch them like you’re watching yourself on tv. Read the message like it was sent to someone else. Then you’re not as caught up in the drama and it gives you time to think and respond. Emotionally detach yourself from the situation, no upset, no anger from you as that’s how they win getting the emotional responses. Stick to facts only state it once. You’ve said what needs to be said do not engage in an argument. Don’t act happy either as they will find a way to twist and manipulate that onto you. When you observe what is going on like you’re a third person you can detach yourself from the situation. See what happens from a different perspective. Giving you the power to respond non emotionally and to the point. (You can let your emotions out afterwards when they are not around if you need to do so.)
Guard your attention like your life depends on it. Where you focus your attention is where you focus your mind which is your best asset when talking to a narcissist or toxic person. Focus on the topic and keep your attention on the initial point. As these narcissists love to divert off the original topic and provoke you in any way they can. They want to listen to you’re an emotional response, control the topic control how they make you act, control your mind, So keep your attention on the original topic only. You control your attention you will see them taking you off-topic draw you in and pull you down. When you keep your attention in your own head you are then like. no thank you, I’m not going down that route let’s stick to what we’re actually discussing. Cancel and delete in your mind what they’re trying to draw you into and stick with the first point. They like to plant seeds of doubt in your mind by deflecting you off-topic. Focus on you. Your strengths, your positives, your routine, boundaries and goals. They might try to entice you to go against your integrity, then you feel guilty and they manipulate. Stick with your own opinions and your own integrity. Choose your integrity and do not fall into their trap. Remember being aware will help you to achieve this.
Phrases what you can say to them. Deflect whatever covert manipulation they are trying to use. Let it float past you, don’t accept it, don’t respond to it. Just leave it right there in mid-air and return it the rightful owner.
If you ever start to get upset go back to breathing and regain your focus.
Never ever give any kind of emotional reaction to a toxic person. They love it and feed off it. So no emotions are to be given. When you get away from them and back home then you can process that emotion. Go home and let them out it’s vital you release any emotion they caused when they are not around. You need to let all those emotions out.
So with a narcissist your opinion will be different as that’s what they do whatever it is they want you to take their opinion, you know within yourself you are right so just say. “ I see you feel strongly about that. As do I so I’m not changing my mind you’re not changing yours. So we’ll have to agree to disagree”
So if you’ve set a new boundary and then you get from the narcissist “ you’re selfish” or “ you’re only doing this for your own weird kicks.” or “ your stopping me from seeing the children for your own strange games “ or “ I didn’t think you were this cruel” “ wow that’s a crazy move what’s your problem”
If you really want to respond especially if it’s a face to face conversation go with “ that’s interesting “ if you want to go more. “ that’s interesting I wonder what makes you think that” this is also a good response when they are calling you names. Just remember to stay calm and don’t show emotions. Another good response when they are calling you names is “ that’s possible “ no more no less just “ that’s possible” don’t engage in it just deflect it. As they do to you.
When they are playing the victim and doing the whole woe is me. Say “ I see you’re upset about this, you should go work on that” just put the responsibility back onto the rightful owner.
If they’re throwing one of their toddler tantrums. Just say “ I hope you feel better” then walk away.
If they’re just been plain old rude to you “ you know when people are rude it’s because they’ve got no control of their own life, why might you be feeling that way” they shouldn’t want to argue with that and will usually walk away.
If it gets tense and they start getting angry and threats “ let’s talk when you are calm, so we can keep a mutual respect “ then leave it alone.
Eventually, most will back down and walk away as they don’t know what to do when you’re not engaging or giving any emotions away. Also when you’re firing back at the things they say to you.
Remember if you don’t need to talk to the narcissist don’t. No contact is simply the best method. No response and not reaction.
Another is a retreat, rethink and then respond only if you have to, and only respond once.
If you have to because of children. Messages or email. Save them print them to keep everything documented. This is to help you if the narcissist catches you off guard in person. Which they’ll probably try to do if they’re not getting an emotional response or any response/ reaction from you.
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