Most people would lose their sense of self around a narcissist. If the narcissist were a parent, you might have never had a sense of who you were, so how do we rebuild this?
The negative effect on your self-worth after a narcissist is vast, you can, and you will overcome it, right now you may feel lost, you may feel shame, and you may feel unworthy, you may be full of so many self-doubts, this is all because of how the narcissist treated you. You are not alone; others have and do feel like this too. So please don’t be ashamed it’s normal feelings after being with around a manipulative narcissist. Don’t let it shape you into who you are today; don’t tell yourself I’m not good enough. Tell yourself. “I am good enough. I am worthy. I do deserve to be treated better” To leave the narcissist behind, yes, that is hard with trauma bond, but you can get through it. You might be ashamed to speak up for yourself. You might be talking down to yourself. You might be taking to yourself how the narcissist spoke to you. You might be hiding away at home, you might have lost your self-care, or feel guilty or like you’re turning into a narcissist if you do take care of yourself, things the narcissist has coercively controlled you into being dependent on them, into isolation yourself, into no longer taking care of yourself, into blaming yourself and feeling ashamed to speak up for who you are, as they always put you down. Work on Losing the blame and the shame and rebuild yourself. We are never responsible for another’s abusive behaviour towards us. We are responsible for our healing.
Self-worth is about valuing, respecting and knowing your own self-worth, knowing your personal values and who you are. Start with giving yourself the courage to be yourself, small steps, small risks to get things you want for yourself even if you are afraid. For example, if you’re not wanting to go out with friends, give yourself courage, just make yourself get dressed and go. Once you are there, you will have fun. When home, you’ll be proud of yourself, and this will help you continue to grow your inner confidence. If the narcissist stopped you from working, give yourself the courage to begin applying for those jobs. Just do it and keep going until you achieve what you want. Getting out of bed and walking out of that front door. Just give yourself courage, make yourself do it, even if it’s only a 5-minute stroll, you will start to feel better—the courage of going out.
Identify your own values and start living by them. Start setting standards for yourself, what you will and will not accept from yourself. Also, standards of behaviour you’ll accept from those around you. Start creating boundaries for yourself and those around you based on your values and your beliefs, strong boundaries around the narcissist. Stand up to them for what you believe in what you want. Do not listen to them. When you know you’re doing the right thing for yourself, it doesn’t matter what others think. Now it’s about you. Give yourself the protection of your own values with standards and boundaries. Once you grow these, you’ll get more courage within yourself to do more. Slowly start speaking up for yourself and your own beliefs. Again baby steps all the way. Once you achieve the little things, the big thing will become so much easier.
Read and learn everything you can about the narcissist. How to help yourself recover, you’ve got to put the work in. Still, you can achieve recovery, take information that helps you, that resonates with you, leave the information that doesn’t sit with you, as we are individuals, and everyone’s recovery is different.
With a narcissist, no contact is best to help rebuild yourself. If you have children with them and they see the children, limited communication and grey rock.
Yes, I know this is hard after being in this kind of a relationship with a narcissist that’s destroyed it all. Remember you had these before. You changed them for the narcissist. You can change them back for yourself. You are not alone. Others before you have done and you can do it too.
You can, and you will.
Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.