“You can always trust a narcissist to lie to you. “
Trying to get the truth out of a narcissist leaves us feeling frustrated, anger, resentment and confused, showing them evidence of the truth can put us in dangerous situations, and trying to get those around us to see the truth as the narcissist just smears our name to all those who’ll listen is a very frustrating way to live.
A Narcissists opinion is, their opinion and to them, everyone should agree if you don’t agree, they can react with anger, gaslighting, intimidation, arguments, silent treatments if you have proof and evidence to show the narcissist they will start to deflection, project, blame-shift and word salad. They will do anything except to be accountable for the actions.
Have you been in the situation where you suspect they are cheating, but can not be sure, then you follow them, or a friend tells you they’ve seen them with someone, or you end up stalking their phone? You have seen a message. They said they were working away, happily telling close friends and family this blatant lie. You know they are lying. After you see the payslip and behold, they didn’t work extra that week. Whatever it is you have evidence of their infidelity. You know exactly what they are up to.
You have evidence. You want answers, and no way can they lie their way out of this one. Or can they?
You say “ You’re cheating on me. I know, and I’ve got this as proof.”
If you say this to them in an angry manner, they’ve got your reactions, giving them the advantage to gain control and power over you and your emotions for them to use against you, to cause you to feel more anger and react.
Because you are challenging them and what they believe is their superiority to do as they please. They will provoke you.
If you ask them calmly, you’re giving them no emotions, and they take it as criticism.
To get out of anything, a Narcissist will use many manipulation tactics.
Deflection “ It wasn’t me I was here doing this”
” It’s not my receipt remember Brain, they asked me to keep it, and I forgot to pass it back.”
“I’ve no idea how that got there its not mine.”
“ your friend must be mistaken as I was here.”
“That’s just friendly banter message you know they are just a friend.”
“ You’re too sensitive we were only laughing at the message.”
They may go as far as “ Be grateful. It’s only a message, and I’m not out sleeping with them.”
“ I wasn’t doing anything wrong not like you and that person you went for coffee with the other week.”
They will say things to draw the conversation away from them and what they have done and twist it straight back at you.
Denial and project.
“ Your imagination is getting the better of you again. I really think we should go and see the doctor and get you some help.
“ That wasn’t in my pocket where did you really get it. I really think your mentality unstable and need some help.”
Denial and deflection.
“ Oh yes, that’s my friend’s new partner, they were running late and asked if I’d pick them up, nothing to worry about.”
“ They’re just new to the company as the boss wanted to treat us all “
“ I told you last week about that meeting, why can you not remember things anymore.”
“ Who do you think you are looking through my pockets your so Insecure, something wrong with you stops trying to control me.”
“Why have you looked at my bank statement, that’s illegal, I can get you done for that.”
“If you’d put out more than you do, I wouldn’t need to look elsewhere would I.”
The narcissist’s reliable friend the silent treatment when all else fails with the narcissist they stomp off and make sure you can not get hold of them.
“Who do you think you are I’m so fed up with you and your constant accusations.”
“look at the state of yourself.”
They might end up throwing things or attacking you always following up with “ Why did you make me do that” “ If you’d leave me alone “
If you keep questioning them with evidence, they simply are not listening to your words. If you’re giving attention and they will use your emotions against you, As someone with feelings, we react when hurt or lies to. The narcissist will do all they can to play on your emotions and provoke you, to avoid the subject of what they did, all they’re interested in is power, control, being superior and winning at all cost to you. If you do it without emotion, they will feel criticised and do whatever they can to get an emotional response from you.
A narcissist will never accept what you are saying, and they will never be accountable no matter what the evidence you have is. Only if they don’t have a backup plan or want to hoover you, they’ll say what you want to hear, but never at first and even then they’ll say it, but so it’s still all your fault.
This may lead to a break up in the relationship either you’ve had enough. Or your replacement who doesn’t know the true narcissist yet is ready to listen to how crazy you are and start a relationship with them.
As a loyal person, we want the truth. We like honestly and not only do we want the narcissist to know what they are and what they do. We want those around them to as well. Especially when they’re telling everyone that we are the crazy one, due to all the manipulation and because of how they treated us, we might actually be coming across as crazy, by searching for answers and trying to get others to see our side, this plays straight into the narcissist’s hands as they’ll have already smeared our name, any reaction makes us look crazier. With how you are behaving towards the narcissist, they are then happily lapping up all the attention and sympathy from those around them. How much they’ve had to put up with dealing with you. Especially the help and support they are getting with you’re replacement.
You might be left heartbroken, in financial difficulties, lost your job because of depression and anxiety, no longer knowing if you’re coming or going. You want to get out there and scream the truth from the rooftops and let everyone know it not you it’s all them, or you might want to shut your curtains curl up in bed and never see anyone again. I feel you and your pain. So many like you have been through this and have been through this.
How to beat a narcissist and their games, don’t play.
Stop thinking “Why is this happening to me?” Which under the circumstances is a very rational thought, and start thinking. “What do I want for my life now.”
The best way forward is taking one day at a time making positive steps. You’re going to have to build on your own life, and your own self-confidence, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. You can do it honestly others before you have and those after you will. Whatever stage of the journey, you’re at keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going.
Start by getting dressed one day, making your bed the next, brushing your hair, having a bath, if you’ve got children you’re probably getting up and getting on but feeling hollow. Go for a walk, see the beauty in the trees leaves. You can and will build yourself back you. Start a routine if you’ve not got one or you’ve lost the one you had. Build on the routine you’ve got.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to leave the narcissist be. Nothing will anger them more than you living a happy life. Plus all those lies they’re telling others about you will simply start not to ring true. The old fake it until you make it. When you walk out of that door, hold your head high, put your shoulders back and a smile on your face. It will make you feel better on the inside. Keep working on inside on how you truly feel and your emotions, until you make it.
So you want everyone to know the truth, you want to keep your self-worth, you want everyone to see them for who they are and the lies they tell, you want the narcissist to know what they’ve done and from someone with empathy you actually still somewhere inside want to help them, even if you don’t want to admit it. You want to keep your sanity, and you want revenge for how they treated you and walked away Scott free. This is normal empathetic behaviour, and nothing is wrong with you feeling like this. You’re not turning into them and as the clouds part the more you’re away from the narcissist, the more you’ll have space to see you’re definitely not the crazy one.
After all the manipulation they have put you through. You must understand the narcissist will never ever see it from your point of view.
You may have got everything straight in your head and know what gone on correctly, but if what your saying doesn’t match the narcissist beliefs, challenges them or the worst criticises them. They will do everything within their power to distort the evidence in the truth. You already know how manipulative they are so you know how far they’d be willing to go.
An empathetic person is kind and genuine, even with their own opinions they are will to accept other people’s for theirs.
A narcissist is all about themselves, the only opinion that matters is their own, so everyone else must see it their way, if they don’t the mind games shall commence.
If a narcissist feels criticised in any way, you can expect anger and rage.
If you are still in a relationship, it’s, throwing the plate across the room, the pizzas out the window and across the garden, stomping out of the room, argument, mind games.
If you’re no longer together, but you’ve criticised them, they will go hell-bent on twisting this any way they can onto you, so you react, making them feel powerful, and you feel worse.
The best way to show everyone around you and them the truth is time. Give the narcissist no reaction. This simply starved them, yes they may well be getting it from elsewhere, but if your happily moving on with your life. The narcissist will hate you doing well and being happy because they themselves never can be satisfied, what they are saying to others about you will not match up with how you are. This will drive the narcissist more insane than they already are.
To give a narcissist no reaction, is the best and only way to heal, find the truth, move on, prove your point and win for yourself.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
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