Overcoming narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Raising children with a narcissistic ex.
People with narcissistic personality traits or just hard to deal with people don’t like boundaries and they like to be in control.
One of the most important things to set up, for yourself and your children’s sanity is.
Routine so you and your children know exactly where you are and when this helps to develop a healthy mind.
This is an extremely hard thing to do with these kinds of people. You will more than likely get a barrage of abuse from them as they feel like they are losing control, nothing is ever the other person fault. You’ll be told “you’re damaging your children, you’re keeping them apart, you’re playing games, you’re strange.”
Try to remember when you get these. You are NOT keeping them apart you are keeping your children’s mental health safe.
You are NOT damaging your children. You’re helping them grow into strong healthy adults and surround them with as much love and support as you can.
You’re not playing games. You’re trying to counteract the damage your ex causes with games.
Whatever they send to try to turn it into a positive which isn’t easy.
More often than not these people will not turn up on some pre-arranged days try to swap things around. Try to regain control.
If they manage a personality transplant and prove they will show up for children when they say, then yes sometimes people are busy and you can make allowances to swap, but if they fail to show up for your children no need to make allowances for someone who will not for the own children.
You may need to swallow your pride and not worry about how they take this next step. If at all possible you need to try and get them to think the routine was there idea. If they send you a list of dates they want to see the children and it fits in with your children’s daily lives. Say yes. Tell them what a brilliant idea that is from them. It’s hard when you know what they are like. But one parent needs to step up for the children. This way you get less backlash from the ex as they believe they got what they wanted and had a great idea. when in reality you got what you and your children needed without any negatively. Yes, it’s hard to swallow your own pride when you know exactly what the ex is like, think how beneficial it is not to get the belittling messages from them. You’re children get to see both parents and you have a routine. I know it’s no easy to do. Sometimes safeguarding issues are too big and the children can not see the narcissist.
Children will thrive with one happy positive parent.
They key to boundaries and routine is stick to them. That can be very hard when dealing with people on the narcissistic spectrum and you will have your moments of taking a step backwards.
Hang up the phone, close the door. Saying No. do not let them in your home.
If they threaten in front of children.
Arrange to meet in a public place when the children are due to visit them. Or ask a family member to do pickups and drop offs.
If needed get a non-molestation order. But make sure you put in they can pick up and drop off children at Pre-arranged time. It’s more normal for the children for the other parent to pick up from home if this is possible. They can contact you regarding picking up and seeing your children only, choose one method, email, message, messenger etc.
Messenger is good because you can put them into an ignore box and only go to it when you are calm enough to read what they’ve sent.
Remember the order isn’t about the children, it’s about them staying away from you.
if the children do see the narcissistic parent, it’s hard but do your absolute best to stick to the routine and the boundaries, it will not take long before you see the benefits of this for your children and yourself. If they don’t, either because the narcissist isn’t interested or safeguarding is too big, stay happy stay positive then the children will thrive.