The Narcissists Reward Punish. (Understanding Narcissism.)

Narcissists have an apt ability to get you to doubt reality, question yourself, not feel enough no matter what you do, Thus continuing to work harder to please them. So you do all you can to bring that person back that can seemingly treat you so well and avoid the person who treats you so wrong.

When you’re born into narcissism, when raised by narcissistic parents, our minds get programmed into accepting the narcissist’s reward punish as normal, believing we deserve their harsh punishments, as they can reward us by treating us so right when we conform to their demands of us, often with little physical abuse and even with physical abuse, we often don’t recognise the narcissist’s psychological warfare against us as abuse, often leading us to accept similar behaviour from friends and future partners.

When raised by narcissistic parents, you might feel uneasy around them. You might have just known something without knowing what you know. You often question yourself especially when they withhold attention, affection and support, the narcissist will shame you into blaming yourself. A narcissist will reinforce the belief within your mind that their mistreatment of you is your fault when they suddenly reward you for playing by their rules, often leading you into believing the narcissist’s abuse of you isn’t abuse when abuse is abuse no excuse and their abuse is on them not you.

As a child, you don’t understand what’s happening, many adults don’t understand what’s happening, and when a narcissist suddenly starts treating you right, you see the good in them as they blame you when they treat you wrong, you begin to question yourself and not their abuse.

As parents do need to discipline their children and teach children the difference between right and wrong and morals and values, it’s very confusing because a narcissist doesn’t discipline a child for those reasons. A narcissist disciplines their children to condition their children into performing how the narcissistic parent wants them to perform, how the narcissistic parents wants them to behave, when the child doesn’t perform how the narcissistic parent wants them to perform they neglect the child, they withhold attention, affection and support to punish the child for not living up to the narcissists expectations. what is so confusing is when the child works harder to please the parents, The parent starts treating them right again, reinforcing within the Child’s mind that it was the Child’s fault and not the parents.

When you’re born into a narcissistic family you don’t know any different. However, when you get into a relationship with a narcissist, you don’t know any different as a narcissist will love bomb you, idealise you mirror you, to sell you an illusion of what life could be like with them, to deliver you a completely different story, they might flatter you, lavish you with gifts, they might want to spend a lot of time with you, they might come along playing your hero, that fast involvement, claiming soulmate status fast into the relationship, rushing the relationship ahead, guilt-tripping you into things you don’t want to do, as these things can be mistaken for the excitement of a new relationship, the honeymoon period. As you yourself can go into a relationship wanting to help another out, you don’t see they’re helping you is them manipulating you, their compliments as flattery, you believe they’re coming from the same place as you. As you can get excited about the new Romance, you don’t see the whirlwind they’ve swept you into to distract you from who they are. You don’t see them rushing you into something you’re not comfortable with, you don’t see them slowly brainwashing you to their advantage. When a narcissist is wanting to spend all their time with you, constantly messaging you, with the narcissists love bombing, they’ve influenced you into believing in them.

When a narcissist feels criticism in some way, when a narcissist feels like you’re not doing what they want you to do, when you placed a Boundry on a narcissist, when you said no to the narcissist, when you’ve called a narcissist out on a promise they’ve broken, when a narcissist fears they might be exposed for their behaviour, A narcissist will go all out to shame you into blaming yourself for criticising them, for judging them, so a narcissist seeks punish you, so the narcissist can gaslight your reality gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of your reality so that the narcissist can keep control over you.

A narcissist will withhold everything from you to punish you. They will withhold compassion. They will withhold care. They will withhold communication. They will withhold money. They will withhold safety. They will withhold sleep. They will withhold security. A narcissist will withhold protection. They will withhold affection. They will withhold support. A narcissist will punish you by neglecting you.

One of most confusing thing about a narcissist is they don’t mistreat you all the time.

E.S.

When one person hurts another person, The person who got hurt can withdraw from the person who hurt them, because the person has hurt them so we can recognise this, we can understand why we might withdraw from somebody which is often why we are ones left looking for what we’ve done to hurt the narcissist to cause the narcissist to withdraw from us, so we don’t recognise the narcissist is punishing us.

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist a narcissist will have done something to hurt you, or they will be up to something that could potentially hurt you, something that would exploit you something that’s going to hurt you in the long run, and to avoid exposure they will withdraw from us to punish us for them hurting us.

We question what we’ve done for the narcissist to suddenly fall silent on us, for the narcissist to withhold affection from us rather than questioning what the narcissist has done to us.

A narcissist doesn’t come along and hurt us straight away. They don’t tell us they hate us then hurt us. They come along to sweep us off our feet to then slowly manipulate, slowly devalue, gradually isolate us from support. They tell us they love us. They want what’s best for us. They’re doing it for our own good, leaving us questioning everything about ourselves and little about who the narcissist is as a person.

A narcissist, brainwashes us, by manipulating us to condition us to serve them to work harder to please them, so that we can avoid the painful punishments towards us when we step out of their line,

A narcissist will condition you to expect nothing and give everything.

A narcissist will condition you into believing your emotional reactions to their actions are the problems to distract you from the fact that you wouldn’t be having those emotional reactions without the narcissist actions.

When a narcissist punishes us when a narcissist withdraws from us, we are that busy thinking about their emotional needs, thinking about what we’ve done to hurt them, we forget about our own emotional needs, not recognising that they’re trying to punish us, while blaming us for punishing us because to a narcissist everything that goes wrong within their life everything that’s not going their way is always somebody else’s fault, narcissists do not recognise the problem within their own behaviour and if they do they shift the blame to avoid recognising the problem within their own behaviour.

The more we ruminate, the more we question ourselves, the more we question what we could’ve done, the more we chase them, to help them, to support them, to get answers from them, The more we change ourselves to bring back the person we met, to bring back the parent that can treat us right, we learn to do everything in our power to please the narcissist, and then when we get it right by the narcissist, A narcissist will then reward us and they will then reward us by giving back what they’ve been withholding from us.

So if they’ve been causing sleep deprivation, if they’ve been keeping us awake, and they can do it in such subtle ways, a narcissist can just ask us to stop up and watch a movie with them, they can come to bed and wake us up, they can make sure they make enough noise in the morning to wake us up, then the nice narcissist will return seeming all caring and kind and telling us to go and get some rest go and have an early night, so to us it seems like they care we don’t recognise that they’re using that to manipulate us into believing they care about us, they might tell you to rest while they take care of the home only they won’t take care of the home they will make the home worse so you are more drained after your rest by cleaning up after the narcissist mess.

A narcissist will withhold communication from you, they will fall silent on you, and when you drop the subject, or when you do something to please the narcissist, when you chase them, when you do all you can to make it up to them, as the narcissist has lead you to believe you caused their silent treatment, at some point the narcissist will decide that they will start to communicate with you again.

A narcissist will withhold finances from you, and then they will go and spoil you. A narcissistic parent who is separated from the other parent might not pay financially towards the upbringing of their own child, yet when they pick that child up, they will pick the child up and take them on the expensive days out to buy the child, they will do all they can to make sure the healthy parent cannot support the child sufficiently to try and make the healthy look bad, to smear the healthy parent to the child, so that the child doesn’t see what’s happening. Often the narcissist will be blaming the healthy parent to the child.

A narcissist will intimidate you by telling you they’re going to inform people things that you don’t want people to know about you. We all have these things that we tell people we trust in confidence, believing that they’re not going to tell others, and then when you do right by them, they will tell you that they wouldn’t do anything like that to you, that you misunderstood them.

It’s extremely confusing being around a narcissist because one minute they are there for you, the next they’ve disappeared on you. They blame you, so you work hard to please them, and then they come back and reward you by being there for you, which reinforces that belief within your mind that it was your doing when it is not your doing their behaviour is who they are as a person.

Narcissistic people don’t think like you. They’re coming from a completely different place to you. Narcissists are the self-entitled hypocrite. It’s one rule for them and another for you. Narcissists are incredibly selfish. There is a difference between being selfish and demanding that your needs get met and being self-aware to protect your values and beliefs without hurting another person.

Another manipulation tactic a narcissist will use with reward punish is the very things that they withhold from you behind closed doors they will give to others in front of you. Or they will twist it even further by giving it to you in front of friends and family to confuse you, so, inside the house, they might be giving you the silent treatment outside the house. They’ll be super nice to you. So when you speak out to people, they don’t understand you. However, they just don’t know the whole story. They only see the side the narcissist wants them to see. Or when they’re mistreating you behind closed doors, but they are treating others well, you can often question, “maybe it is just me then because they’re being decent with that person it must be something I’ve done.” It’s never what you’ve done. It’s who the narcissist is.

Survivors because they don’t feel comfortable around a narcissist even if it’s only their subconscious that doesn’t feel comfortable around the narcissist, survivors can also treat people differently to how they treat the narcissist, survivors can either be more open with others than they are with the narcissist for fear of reactions from the narcissist, or they can slowly shut themselves down becoming more closed off with others than they are with the narcissist as they fear what others will think about the situation they’re in.

Another method a narcissist will use is by withholding something from you, like withholding communication from you and then they will communicate with others in front of you often accusing you of being grumpy one. Or they’ll not be there for their children yet they’ll make sure you find out they are being there for someone else’s children. Will not be there for you as a child but they will be there for someone else’s child.

A narcissist will withhold financial resources from their exes who are raising the children they had with narcissist. Yet, the narcissist will shower somebody new with gifts and financial resources to bait the new person into the Narcissists games.

The reward punish is confusing as you are conditioned into believing you are the one that’s causing the problems within the relationship When the narcissist is the one creating those problems within the relationship, to get you to behave how they want you to.

Sometimes it’s not what a narcissist is doing to you it’s what a narcissist takes away from you, then blaming you for being the reason as to why they took it from you.

This is why it is a must to observe peoples behaviour because yes, although people can act in these ways because they have been hurt, other people act in these ways to manipulate, observing how we feel around people and not how they make us feel, so that we can take back control of what our feelings are teaching us.

The silent treatment isn’t exclusive to narcissistic people. There are many reasons why people can fall silent. Often it’s what’s happened to bring on that behaviour and the intentions behind that behaviour. Just because somebody is treating you in a way that you might have treated somebody doesn’t mean they’re treating you in that way from the same intentions as you. You might fall silent to avoid the pain, to make sure you don’t say something that might hurt another person. A Narcissist goes for the silent treatment to manipulate you, exploit you, and get their own way with you.

It’s all in the intentions with good intentions there is no wrong way over right way to live your life there is only your way.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why A Narcissist Will Not Say Sorry, The Narcissists False Apology.

Why narcissists rarely say sorry and how they get you to apologise to them for the things they’ve done to you, why most narcissists don’t issue any form of apology unless they can shift the blame because they have something to gain, from sucking someone back into their games to evading disciplinary action, avoiding consequences for their actions.

A narcissists false apology is a form of emotional abuse. It’s done to gaslight your reality so the narcissist can get away with the things they do to you, a narcissist wants you to take responsibility for their behaviour, so they don’t have to.

Narcissists rarely apologies for their behaviour, and those who do offer a genuine apology just further manipulation.

An apology without changed behaviour is further manipulation.

In order to offer a genuine apology, people need to be able to recognise the mistakes they’ve made. They would apologies with those “I’m sorry I.” Acknowledging and taking ownership of their behaviour, learning from their behaviour and not repeating their behaviour. When it comes to a narcissist, they’re unwilling to reflect on mistakes they’ve made. The best you’ll get from a narcissist is where they’ll find a scapegoat to blame for the narcissist’s mistakes. As they don’t take ownership of their behaviour, they don’t change their behaviour. They just blame and shame those around them. If they feel cornered into offering an apology, it’s a narcissistic false apology of “I’m sorry you.”

To offer a genuine apology, people need to take responsibility for their behaviour. As a narcissist sees all others as having caused the narcissists behaviour, they don’t take responsibility for their behaviour. Instead, they believe that someone else made them do it or you deserved it. (No one deserves abuse, abuse is abuse, no excuse.) it’s good to be responsible for our own behaviour. However, we also have to learn to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for theirs. We make enough of our own mistakes to learn from. We don’t need to hold ourselves accountable for other people. Just as our behaviour is on us, their behaviour is on them.

Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions as part of their disorder is that sense of entitlement. Therefore they feel entitled to do the things they do. They are arrogant enough to believe that it’s one rule for them and another for everyone else around them. They lack the empathy to be able to comprehend how their behaviour hurts another. If they do understand how their behaviour has hurt another due to their envy, they seek to punish others, lacking empathy to care and believing others deserved the narcissist’s hideous punishments and endless mind games.

A narcissist doesn’t want to be held responsible for their behaviour unless they have something to gain. They don’t want to be exposed for who they indeed are, why they covertly manipulate to hide their true intentions.

A Narcissist will excuse, rationalise and justify their own behaviour within their own minds and within the minds of those around them so that the narcissist can get away with their behaviour.

To offer a genuine apology, people need to feel remorseful, those feelings of shame, those feelings of blame, those feelings of guilt, most people feel when they’ve done something wrong, the willingness to put ego to one side, admit fault and learn from the mistake made, with a narcissist they lack the empathy to feel guilty, they might feel the shame which is why they pass the blame, a narcissist often wants to be recognised as someone who is better than thou and doesn’t make mistakes.

To offer a genuine apology, people would want to Repair any damage they have caused. They’d want to restore the connection with the other person, restore the faith and the trust, rebuild the relationship back up. They’d want to show the person they hurt that they can admit to a mistake and prove they care by not repeating the mistake. As a narcissist can not admit to making a mistake in the first place as a narcissist has placed the blame at someone else’s door, a narcissist doesn’t feel like they need to repair the damage, a narcissist believes the other person needs to repair the damage. Every time a narcissist gets away with their behaviour, they don’t learn from their behaviour. Instead, a narcissist will repeat their hurtful patterns of behaviour.

Narcissists are never sorry for what they’ve done to another. They only feel sorry for themselves if they get caught, to which they’ll quickly rationalise, justify, excuse or blame someone else for their behaviour so they don’t have to take responsibility for their behaviour.

A Narcissist will lie, deny, gaslight, blame, shame, project, triangulation, fall silent. A narcissist will go above and beyond to get away with their behaviour, so they don’t change their behaviour.

Where most people can recognise, feel remorse, take responsibility and want to repair the damage they caused because they care for the other person, a narcissist doesn’t believe they’ve made a mistake, so when they get called out on their behaviour, they’ll come at you with those gaslighting phrases of. “You’re jealous, you’re insecure, you’re too sensitive, you’re imagining things, you’re bitter, you’re in a bad mood, it wasn’t that bad, what about when you, you’re selfish, you’re stubborn, you’re awkward, this is just like you, why do you have to make everything so difficult, you need a mental evaluation, you have trust issues, you’re crazy.” As the narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem to distract you from the fact without the narcissist’s actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions. Therefore it’s the narcissist’s actions which are causing your problems. However, a narcissist doesn’t want you to see what they do wrong. They want you to feel ashamed of your emotional reactions, blame yourself and apologise to the narcissist for the very things the narcissist is doing to you.

When you find yourself apologising for things you haven’t done, that’s a big red flag that someone is gaslighting your reality.

When they’re not willing to recognise their behaviour, they won’t be willing to change their behaviour. When they can manipulate you into apologising to them, the more they’ll believe that you’re the problem and not themselves, the more you forgive a narcissist, the more they believe they can get away with their behaviour and the worse their behaviour gets, because they learn that by blaming others they’re not held accountable, and they don’t suffer any consequences.

Remember, forgiveness is for you to move on, not to allow them to do it again. Your forgiveness is for you. Their behaviour is on them.

If you’re unlucky enough to get an apology from a narcissist, it’s more manipulation from a narcissist, as they claim. “I’m sorry if you hadn’t, I’m sorry, but you didn’t, I’m sorry for what you think I did, I’m sorry you feel that way, I’m sorry if you’d have paid me more attention, I’m sorry if you’d have reminded me.

The narcissist’s false apology is where they will start by saying sorry, then end by blaming you, so you end up feeling guilty and apologising to them.

We have to take ownership of our actions. However, we have to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner to theirs.

You can not control who you are as a person to control the narcissist you get. A narcissist controls who they are to control how you feel, so the narcissist can emotionally manipulate you to serve their needs.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook.

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram.

On Pinterest.

On LinkedIn.

The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

The full course.

Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse. 

The free course.

Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse. 

Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here for more information about narcissist personality disorder. 

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex. 

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. You will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.

7 Mind Games Narcissists Play. (Understanding Narcissism.)

People on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum lack empathy, so they do not care for the damage they cause to those around them. They lack feelings such as guilt or remorse. Most narcissistic people are extremely good at treating you better than anyone ever has, by mirroring all your likes and all your dislikes, then learning all your weaknesses to use them against you.

As narcissists are extremely good at mirroring others personality traits, we often don’t know what we are getting into until we are into deep, as we slowly accept the behaviour as normal over time and adjust ourselves to accept what we should have never accepted, yet because narcissists can play nice so well it’s extremely difficult to spot what you don’t know.

This is to help you understand what happens if you are out of the relationship, if you are thinking of leaving, or when getting into a new relationships, what to look out for.

The games a narcissist plays with you.

1. Narcissists want to know everything about you. When you first meet them, they don’t talk about themselves. They ask all about you. they want to know everything about you. Unless they’ve managed to suss you out over social media and asking your friends, they’ll sit and listen to you for hrs. This makes you feel heard, special and important to them. This makes you trust them. They do this so they can like all your likes and hate all your dislikes to make you think you’ve met somebody who truly understands you. Find out about any insecurities or weaknesses and use them against you later on.

How to notice this. Keep a strong eye contact at all times when they are asking you questions, those who counter your gaze pause for a two-way conversation and speak about themselves when asked don’t want to hide anything, those who bombard you with questions, and divert any you ask them or seem to over-exaggerate their answers, watch their eye movements and see if you feel comfortable with them or not. Your instincts will try to tell you something even if you’re unsure what it is.

How to disarm, ask them questions about them, try to strike up a two-way conversation.

2. They want everyone to know they are better than others, that they are superior. Most narcissistic people want to show off about any skill they have, the knowledge they know, achievements they’ve made. They feel superior to all others. They might lie about homes or cars they own. They might bombard you with information you know nothing about, so you don’t know if they are right or wrong.

How to notice. A Narcissist doesn’t like being questioned, so when you ask things like. “Wow, what job do you have to earn money for that.” Or asking them, “how do you know that.” You’ll see them either change the subject, get angry, or their lies will escalate.

How to disarm. Slow down the conversation and try to make it a two-way conversation. Ask questions, any words they use that you don’t understand, ask them the meaning. Manipulators hate being interrupted and hate having to explain themselves, especially if they don’t know the answer.

3. They overwhelm you with negativity, They want you to be sad and scared. They do this to further their control over you, as they find it easier to control those who are scared or sad. They do this by manipulating methods of silent treatments, threats, gaslighting, anger, triangulation. They might speak in a loud voice, speak over you, or show bad manners.

How to notice, this one is tricky as you’re usually in the relationship deeper than you should be, and like to give them the benefit of the doubt. When someone becomes overly aggressive or negative or twist things onto to you, when they are getting an opinion across, remain positive, add jokes if you can.

How to disarm. When dealing with this, stay calm and unaffected, ignore if you can, write down and focus on your reality. Focus on the positives. Take control back of your own mind.

4. They feed on your insecurities. Whatever your insecurities are, a narcissistic person will smell them from miles away. It seems they learn every weakness you have, then they rip them wide open and watch you bleed out. They will use them in conversation. They will prod and poke away at them. If one person’s fear is being cheated on, they’ll flirt with others right in front of you. If you’re not interested in that and wouldn’t put up with that, they wouldn’t do it. If one person’s fear is being isolated, they will go all out to isolate you, if you would never accept that or don’t fear that, they wouldn’t risk doing it, if your insecurities are on your own quality’s if being a parent, they will take you down, if you are happy with your parenting skills they’ll not use it, if it’s your weight they’ll use that and so one, they will use a person’s insecurities against that person’s first. They will try to make you insecure about other things.

How to notice, they almost look like they get a real kick out of your insecurities and pain most people would try to make you feel better, a manipulator will make you feel worse, they bring it up in front of others without it being directly about you, others will not know, yet you will know, see the narcissists reactions and change in energy, your instincts are telling you they almost look pleased, genuine people wouldn’t be pleased about your insecurities they’d want to help you feel better within yourself.

How to disarm. Work on yourself, control your own thoughts, write down your insecurities, then write the truth, (it’s usually a thought someone else put in your mind,) or fear of judgment, learn to listen to your instincts even if you’re not sure what they are telling you. Face those insecurities head-on, face the pain and deal with them, eliminating all your personal insecurities from your mind, no matter how hard.

“Your mind controls your emotions and you control your mind.”

5. They’ll act innocent. A narcissist is always the hero or victim yet never the villain. A narcissist is a con artist. Those who are extremely good at manipulation, they will convince others by deflecting, gaslighting and blame-shifting that they are the innocent party even when you have evidence to prove otherwise.

How to notice. They might act as if they appear sorry, yet they will tell you why it wasn’t their fault or find fault in you. They might act as if they are taking responsibility to meet their own needs, yet they’ll not learn from it, and they will do it time and time again. They will play victim, so others tell them it was never their fault. They will use reasoning, so you excuse their behaviour. So they escape accountability.

How to disarm. Write down the facts for your own reality check. Listen to your instincts. Become a private detective and investigate the truth without letting the narcissists know. Don’t show evidence alone, as some can be extreme in their reactions.

6. They twist all information. They will always twist words, facts and reality. They will create stories they will triangulate. They will provoke. They will play the victim and blame others. If you’re not careful, they will manipulate you into believing their stories. They will use gaslighting with words like. “That didn’t happen.” Or “I never said that.” Or “you’re crazy.” They will use triangulation ” my friend was allowed to do it.” Or “My ex didn’t mind.” To again make you doubt yourself and feel guilty for questioning them about something.

How to notice. Look for the credibility. If your instincts are telling you something isn’t right, listen to them.

How to disarm. Again write events down to keep your reality in check, gather evidence of triangulation, is used, try asking the other person about it in front of the narcissist.

7. They will put pressure on you. Manipulators will do their best to drive you crazy, to confuse you, to give you brain fog, to wear you down, so you give in. They prey on all your emotions, provoke fear and then give you relief. They will put so much into your mind. They will provoke you until you can no longer contain it, and you explode. Then they will blame you for your reactions.

How to notice, after an emotional outburst, when you are at your weakest, they will not support you, so it’s hard for you to make logical choices. Then they will ask you to do something for them, or give them something as you are more likely to agree as you feel you’re to blame, they will then play nice, lift you back up, to reinforce and control your mind it was all your fault, they gain control of your mind and slowly break down your boundaries.

How to disarm. Write down what they do to trigger an emotional reaction. If you react to them, write down what they ask for next. Learn to not react to them, learn to see what insecurities they used again, then work on finding ways to heal those insecurities so they can no longer trigger them, taking back control of your thoughts and your mind.

Narcissistic people don’t like those they can not manipulate or take control of their minds. So strengthening your mindset is key, controlling your emotions, finding ways to realise them if needed in a healthy way but never to the narcissist, until you do have control over them. Always retreat, rethink and only respond in needed. Keep taking those baby steps each and every day to get your life on track and take you on new adventures without negative, toxic, narcissistic people.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

7 Reasons Why Narcissists Like To Argue.

Why a narcissist likes to argue and what you can do about it.

It might seem that the narcissists default setting is to cause an argument, manipulate and twist everything around that they don’t want to take responsibility for back over you.

A narcissists ability to start an argument is incredible. If you don’t know what they are, you’ll probably think they could happily begin an argument in an empty room. They are not interested in an empty room. They are interested and reliant on others to give them praise, attention and emotional reactions to make the narcissist feel better within themselves. When a can not gain positive attention, then they’ll happily provoke negative. If they can not gain your admiration, they’ll go all out to provoke you so they can gain your frustration. As just like positive attention, negative attention is still attention to them. They prefer positive. If that’s not on offer, they’ll enjoy controlling your negative emotional responses. Narcissists love playing with and provoking people’s emotions, which drives them to get more of any attention.

A narcissist can easily cause an argument over anything, everything and simply nothing at all. If they wish to do so when they feel that positive attention is slipping away from them, they’ll happily cause you upset, frustration, anger, pain, resentment, jealousy, self-doubt as they will manipulate it all around to blame you for causing the argument in the first place. A narcissist will be extremely convincing in this as they believe you’ve not lived up to their unreasonable expectations due to their sense of entitlement, so they seek to punish you for not serving them.

You may not like how a narcissist thinks or agree with how they behave. Yet, as people with empathy for others emotions, we also understand everyone is entitled to their opinion. Although healthy people will take on board other people’s views, a narcissist cannot do that. To a narcissist, they’re always right and being wrong is always someone else’s fault making them right.

When you understand more of why they argue, you’ll be able to do more about it to help yourself. You’ll also find yourself less confused and start being able to think straight again.

Believe in yourself the dark cloud the narcissist gives you or left you with can and will lift.

So why do narcissists like to argue?

1. To provoke you.

Narcissists love to argue to provoke an emotional response from you, break your shell down and get those emotional reactions from you. All they are after is your emotional response to the argument, so if you give no reaction, be prepared for them to step it up a notch or two. Stay strong and do not react. Remember, by responding. You’re giving them exactly what they want. By staying quiet, you’re infuriating them. They are then trapped in their own disorder, trying to work ways to get you to react as narcissists believe they should be your centre of attention.

What the argument is about does not matter to the narcissist. It’s just their need to make you feel angry, frustrated, fearful, so whatever you say back, they’re not interested in the words, just the emotions from within those words. They’re not actually listening to you. You are wasting your breath while they get an emotional response from you. They will, of course, blame you for the argument because of your responses. By simply not responding, you are taking the narcissists ability away from them to argue, and that hurts the narcissist deeply. Therefore you get revenge without doing anything wrong. You’re just saving yourself an argument.

You don’t have to take part in ever argument you’re invited to.

E.S.

2. To recover from a narcissistic injury.

To close a wound. Suppose the narcissist feels like they’ve been criticised by you. They happily start an argument. Even if you didn’t criticise them intentionally, they either give you those silent treatments, violence or a massive argument. To gain emotional reactions from you and make themselves feel better. You can avoid this by not criticising them in the first place. Unfortunately, most of the time, you actually haven’t criticised them. They have just assumed with their own narcissism that you have. Again don’t respond, and if you feel the need to make sure any response is short, to the point and emotionless. They will try harder. If you stick to your own values boundaries, they will leave that argument alone. However, they may try another tactic to get a rise out of you.

3. Control.

Narcissists argue to gain control over you and all situations around them. They know you prefer living in peace. You just want a happy, stable and calm life. They know the only way you think you can achieve this, is to stop the argument, which you never can, as the more control they get, the more they raise the bar. To stop arguments, you might walk on eggshells. Giving up more and more of yourself trying to please them, slowly giving them more control of your life and everything in it, so that they don’t cause an argument. They don’t want you going out with other people. As this means your attention is not on them. It also means other people will get into your head and explain different opinions about situations, and they only want you to have their opinion. They don’t actually want to lose you as their main emotional response to them, as this takes time and energy away from them finding someone new. If they feel they’re losing control over you, they will find a replacement. They want to isolate you from friends and family, sometimes to confuse you more. They did not argue about what you actually want to do. They’ll cause an argument about something entirely different.

4. To place fear within you.

Narcissists intimidate to make you feel upset or frightened so that you no longer feel like you want to go out. Slowly giving you anxiety. They might be more direct, make the argument about the thing you want to do. Anything so you back down to keep the peace. They cause arguments as a method of intimidation to keep control over you. By not responding, you are sending them a signal that this method of control is not effective, so carry on With your plans and do not react. They will use children in this by been late to pick up or drop off. Not collecting children on pre-arranged days. Asking to have them on days they’ve not got them. Just to control your life. If you set routine and boundaries on access to when they see the children. So the children have stability and routine. Watch out because if your children are old enough and they know your children’s feelings are important to you, they will use the children to get to you. “ I was going to see you then instead, but your other parent wouldn’t let me”. Just remind your children about routine and stability. They will grow to realise one day. Yes, normal people can swap and change plans around, and without mind games, children will adapt to this. Sometimes stuff happens. But when the other parent is constantly trying to alter when they do and don’t see the children. It’s just another method of manipulation to get to you. Stay strong and stick to the routine and boundaries. If it helps you stick to the routine, Remember the fact that you’ve not responded and stuck with your boundaries, this will hurt them, and you’ve had a victory.

5. To invalidate you.

Narcissism wants to sabotage you, destroy your confidence, your ability and your self-worth. They argue with you to maintain they are more powerful than you and to keep their superiority. To make you feel worthless. The narcissist doesn’t have a sense of self-worth. They get self-worth by gaining power over those around them any way they can. By keeping you down, they believe and feel they are empowered, superior and better than you, giving them self worth. A Narcissist invalidating you is, in one sense, them showing they feel inferior to you. Those who are confident wouldn’t need to bring others down. Those who are arrogant will. People who have empathy to care that aren’t confident wouldn’t bring others down. Those who lack empathy will go all out to hurt another’s feelings.

6. Exhaustion.

The narcissist ability to argue is endless while they are gaining emotional response to you. They simply keep going to drain you, so eventually, you give in. Even giving in to things that the argument wasn’t about. They will continue the argument until you confirm, and once you have, they start the argument again to get you to agree or do another thing for them. By keeping an argument going, they are grinding you down and exhausting you. This method is great to them in making you less able to cope in day to day life and let down your defence. You don’t want to fight back, and you give in. This just helps the narcissist to manipulate you even more.

7. To win.

Narcissists aren’t looking to understand you, find a middle ground, compromise or play fair. They’re looking to exploit, and they’ll use many underhand manipulation methods to achieve this. They’re looking to be right, and within that, they’re going to go all out to make sure you feel like you’re wrong, through the narcissists gaslighting, projection and blame-shifting as they simply will no be held accountable for the things they do, instead they’ll find a scapegoat to shift the responsibility of the things the narcissist does wrong over to, making the innocent party feeling like they’re to blame and fawning to the narcissist’s behaviour to try and avoid future conflict.

Again to help yourself in this, recognise why they are causing the argument and do not respond in any way. Stick to your rules, your boundaries for your own sanity and self-worth.

During devaluation, they believe you do not know what they are, and during the relationship, they have slowly and carefully upped your emotional response to them. So they know you can not help yourself to respond. You’re own desire to get them to accept your version of events and your reality. You want them to see sense. They are not interested in any outcome, only your emotional response so they can maintain their power and authority over you. It is just trapping you into their minds and doing precisely what they want you to de by reacting, do not let them know you know what they are. Read all info you can on them, so you know how best to handle situations and do not react. In any argument, do not try to have the last word as the narcissist knows you’ll try to do that because they know you feel like you’ve not been heard and your right you haven’t. They are just enjoying the emotional response and manipulation.

Although you will really want to respond and end an argument, don’t. They are not interested in winning the argument, and they just want to win your attention and reactions. For You to react. For You to give power to them, for you to give in. The best way to win an argument with a narcissist is just not responding in any way, shape or form.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

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