Why Is A Narcissistic Relationship So Confusing And Painful.

To understand more on how a narcissist takes control of your mind, these are the theories behind cognitive dissonance and the different parts that play a significant role in how easy it is for your mind to be manipulated by narcissistic people.

One of our basic emotional human needs discovered by Tony Robbins is Love and connection, which is the strong human need to love and connect with someone or something.

Beliefs are thoughts in our minds that influence our own attitudes, actions and behaviours. The power of choice to what we do and do not want to believe, beliefs are only thoughts and not real, and once we have more understanding on these, we then have the power to change them to work for us. If you grew up with two parents remaining together, so you believed that how it’s done, or your parents were separated, so you wanted different for your children, or religious or various other factors, your beliefs in relationships might be you that you stick together no matter what happens, that relationships are hard. You have to work at them, which, yes, relationships can go through rough patches, and genuine people who can Communicate and compromise can work things out. When you’re with a toxic person, you need to change those beliefs and realise you don’t have to stay. Core Beliefs are formed in early childhood. Other beliefs are formed within our minds, through our own personal experience or what others tell us to be true. Why, even if you have the same beliefs as another, the interpretation of those varies from person to person.

Values ethical values in good relationships are honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding and self-discipline.

Narcissists can look for those beliefs and values in people either on a conscious or subconscious level, and at the start, they Mirror those back to you. That is not who they truly are, they are showing you, yourself, then when their Envious face comes out, and they show themselves for who they are. It causes massive conflict with those beliefs, causing you confusing thoughts and to doubt your own judgment and thinking abilities.

When you meet a narcissist, you will most often be on the receiving end of their Idealisation, and this is to manipulate and influence you. Doing favours for you, as when someone does favours for you, your perceptions of that person are good, and your feelings are extremely positive towards them. Overwhelming, you will receive adoration and attention from them, manipulating you to spend more and more time with them. And why wouldn’t you? You feel a great connection, truly understood and very loved meeting one of your human needs. They gain your love and trust with flattery, attention, commitment, The Narcissists Future Faking. of marriage, and they’ll try to move the relationship on very quickly, things like “If I moved in we’d see each other more and I could really help you around the home, share bills.” Or. “If you move in with me, you can stop working, and I’ll take care of all the bills.”

Any personal problems or outside situations you are having, in the beginning, they will be there to help any way they can. They want you to think you’ve met the kindest person ever and admire them. Most will even drop hints subtle or obvious of just how amazing they are for you. They might continuously shower you with gifts or trips.

This is all manipulation to confuse your mind, which causes cognitive dissonance and then induced Compliance. Cognitive dissonance is a state of mind when your own thoughts are conflicted, where there is conflicting beliefs, realities or thoughts. Narcissists help you at the start to gain admiration from you, and they will then, at some point, use this against you to break down your boundaries. Gaslighting you with words such as.” After all, I did for you.” Or words to that effect. With most narcissistic people, once you are hooked, they’ll actually no longer be doing anything for you, yet they’ll constantly remind you of things they have in the past.

You’re used to spending so much time around them, often dropping your hobbies as they so desperately wanted to be with you. They make you feel so good about yourself in the beginning, then they’ll just disappear on you, again manipulation of your mind, as you lived that life, that reality when they wanted to spend so much time with you. Then you are left believing it’s your fault. They’ll start putting you down, Invalidating you to manipulate your self-worth further and gain more control over your mind. All those first promises they suddenly change to, they’re not ready for marriage, they never said that, or you took it out of context. This is all a form of Gaslighting, which is an insidious form of mental abuse to get you to doubt your own reality.

To start, they matched all your beliefs and values, you lived the fairytale, and your mind believes it as it’s seen at that moment that exact reality. Then when they change into someone, you don’t recognise, and they cause you pain and hurt you. You might have had enough and try to end it, and they’ll bring back all the charm they had in the beginning, causing cognitive dissonance. When they say things to you like. “Why do you have to make life so hard.” Or “if only you’d have done this.” Then threaten or Intimidate you, even Sulking or give you the Silent Treatment, so you try really hard, begging with them, pleading with them, doing all you can to make it up to them. They give you the reinforcement of playing nice with all the charm they had in the beginning. Your mind is getting trained by them to believe it’s all your doing for any problems or conflict within the relationship, that in actual fact there is nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with you, so you change your behaviour time and time again, Walking On Eggshells trying to please them, so they don’t throw massive tantrums which cause you pain. When your mind perceives something like pleasure, a good emotion, when you’ve been trained how to act and when you act precisely how they want, they will reward you, causing induced Compliance in your mind. When you don’t do exactly as they please, they punish you through many manipulation tactics, causing induced Compliance as those punishments cause you great pain, so you do all you can to avoid that pain.

The ups and downs release cortisol from the stress and dopamine from the highs, these are highly addictive natural chemicals the body releases, and you do become addicted. Once addicted, it becomes increasingly harder to walk free. You will have, or you will reach that point where you break free, learn about what’s happened to you and never go back.

Cognitive dissonance within your mind has variables.

Belief disinformation.

When your beliefs are being contradicted, as the narcissist leads you to believe one story, then delivers another that contradicts the first belief, with intermittent reinforcement of the first story, causing psychological, mental stress within your mind, that stress releases cortisol which is addictive in itself. Yet to reduce the mental stress of the reality that’s so painful, your mind chooses to believe the less mentally stressful idea to relieve yourself of the painful thoughts leading you to downplay the abusive behaviour from the narcissist, which of course is helped by the narcissists carefully chosen Blame Shifting words of ”it wasn’t that bad, it was your fault, that never happened, it didn’t happen that way, you made me do it.” and the rest. As you seek moral support from the very person you don’t see is persuading you that your reality isn’t real, you don’t change your beliefs to the truth of the situation. Your mind unwittingly sticks to your original belief. Which gives you the brain fog when you can see something yet you can not believe it to be true or really see it.

Induced compliance of forced compliance.

After a narcissist performs dissonant behaviour towards you ( lying ), they find ways through manipulative words to get you to agree to their way of thinking, their reality and their truths, even though these are not factual, as the narcissist doesn’t want to accept responsibility for their own behaviour and is never accountable. They gaslight you psychological through words, actions and sometimes moving items for their own self-justification. So even when you know they said or did something, they will Twist it all around, leaving you getting more and more confused. They will tell you or show an example of when they treated you right. They will intimidate you. Threaten you, and they will use many manipulation tactics, so you are forced to comply with their ways of thinking, as your mind believes this will cause you less pain. Either from past hurtful actions of their behaviour towards you. Fear of reactions. Leading you to walk on eggshells around them, forcing you to behave how they want. All while you don’t see what’s truly happening to you.

Forbidden behaviour.

The severity of the threat on the Devaluation of the forbidden behaviour. With some narcissistic people, this can be down to when and where you sleep, who you go out with, where you go, if you work, what you wear, how long or the colour of your hair, when you have sex together when you answer your phone, so when you’ve been programmed to know you’ll get punishment from the sulks, the silent treatment, arguments, never-ending questions, threats, and all the other manipulation tactics they use to cause you mental pain and negative emotions. They get you to unwittingly conform to their way of living and their way of acting, behaving and thinking. It stops you from being true to who you indeed are and what you genuinely want to do for fear of the consequences to your actions of living a free life and how you should be able to live.

Free choice.

Changes in the desirability of your freedom of choice this part is what makes it so difficult for people to walk free from narcissistic relationships. The free choice aspect of cognitive dissonance occurs when you are faced with a difficult decision when they always appear to be an aspect of rejection or discomfort to what you choose, so you might want to go out for you, yet you know the narcissist will make it difficult. They’ll cause arguments and upset, yet if you don’t go out, you’ll feel anger and frustration that you didn’t get to do what you’d like, yet know you’ll not get negative reactions from the narcissist. When you decide enough is enough, and you want out, yet if you stay, you believe you can help them and hope to get the good times back. However, you fear them and their negative behaviour towards you if you leave it’ll also cause pain, the fear of the breakdown of the relationship, pride and ego damaged as your own beliefs that you could make it work didn’t happen, feeling guilty for leaving them, or in fear of what they might do from threats of. “you’ll pay if you leave.” or “I’ll make you wish.” Then if the narcissist was the one to leave you, you’ve got the thoughts of freedom, yet those thoughts of no one else will love me, I’ll be alone, again mainly from the toxic words the narcissist drilled into your mind. So you think you want them back to help comfort you from all this pain, most often they are with someone new, again this causes your thoughts to go into, what was wrong with me? What’s so special about the new? Social norms and judgment from others also play a part, worrying what others will think of you. When you don’t open up with the right people, you’re left with so many negative thoughts, the difficult choice between getting help and support and the effects it might have, or isolating yourself from the world.

These thoughts can be resolved by changing the challenged beliefs. Getting out of the situation and away from the narcissist is an extremely difficult thing to do. Yet, the longer you are away from them, the clearer your own mind becomes, psychological dissonance slowly fades. Psychological consonance is restored, especially when you seek out moral support from those who’ve lived the same and at one point shared those same contradicted beliefs. Your reality becomes restored. Your future becomes so much clearer and brighter.

Music can also help classical music can be the best. Any music you personally enjoy will also help.

When you make a choice for no contact or limited contact if you can not go no contact due to having children together, the more you are away from them, the more your mind can start to think clearly, the trance they put you under slowly fades, the fog lifts. You can start to think and act for yourself again and do what’s right for you and what makes you happy. The more you connect with those that have lived it and understand it, the more you can put reality back into your own mind, the more you learn about narcissistic behaviour and the effects it has on you, the less you’ll ask, why are they doing this to me? Especially with Smear Campaigns and endless games of those narcissistic people, you just can not seem to shake off. The more you’ll see their pattern in behaviour, what they are doing, the more you’ll be able to laugh at how unbelievable yet believable their behaviour and genuine nature is, the less it’ll impact on your life and your emotions. The more you will come to realise you never even knew them to let alone loved them, it was all an Illusion, of mind trickery, and you can get control back of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings to reach the place of I’m in control of my own happiness and my own life now. You can, and you will.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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More on cognitive dissonance.

The Nice Covert Narcissist.

The most confusing things about most narcissistic people are they don’t hurt you all of the time. They don’t mistreat you all of the time. Sometimes they can treat you better than anyone ever has to disguise that they are manipulating and exploiting you. There are many covert methods a narcissist could use to distract you from what they’re genuinely doing to you while getting you to apologise to them, make it up to them, feel sorry for them. Feel obligated to them, feel grateful towards them, or fear what they might do if you try to step away from their control. Here are several covert narcissistic mind games narcissists play to distract you from what they’re doing to you, while the narcissist gets their needs met by you.

Gaslighting is where the narcissist wants to convince you of a reality that works in the narcissist’s best interest, so you feel like you’re going crazy, growing forgetful, as the narcissist claims you didn’t see, hear, or feel what you did see, hear or feel, or the narcissist might claim you did see, hear or feel something you didn’t, and they are extremely convincing in doing so.

Blame-shifting, where the narcissist will pass any failing, mistakes, faults, flaws, insecurities over to you or those around you, so you justify their own immoral actions by getting you to focus on another’s immoral actions. Blame you or those around you for their behaviour.

Projection is a mixture of the narcissists gaslighting and blame-shifting, where the narcissist will claim you are feeling or doing what the narcissist is actually doing to you.

Blaming disguised as being the victim.

Calling a narcissist out on their behaviour never goes how we’d like, understanding, communication, closure, instead it questions the narcissist’s power and control, their entitlement, therefore to get away with something they definitely did do, they’re going to blame you or those around them, while playing the victim to gain maximum sympathetic attention, the narcissist gaslighting, “if you’d had paid me more attention I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”

Criticism disguised as advice.

A narcissist is going to pass judgment, or point out flaws in your ideas, thinking, feelings, plans, they’ll be giving a negative opinion on something you’d like to do, putting you down, however as much as this can hurt, and we can recognise another’s negativity when it’s a loved one claiming. “I only want what’s best for you.” or “I don’t want to see you making a mistake.” We take their criticism as advice and not the envious destruction it actually is, a simple comment of “I wouldn’t wear that if I was you.” From someone who claims to care for you, places that self-doubt within you, as genuine people who care might say these things to you. Those who care about you would try to be supportive of you, not claim “you’re overreacting.” And then ignore you, leave you to go and deal with it. Narcissists will say things such as “I’m only trying to help.” So you feel bad for hurting their feelings when you try to speak up for how they hurt yours.

Shaming disguised as knowledge.

A narcissist will happily humiliate you by simply stating they know more than you, even if they don’t know much about the topic, a narcissist will go all out to humiliate you while claiming they’re trying to help you if you ask questions out of interest on the subject, a narcissist will either blatantly make stuff you, change the subject, rage or fall silent, some might just state. “Oh, I’m sorry I forgot you know everything.” So you are the one left feeling bad, afraid to speak up for what you believe in for fear of being made to feel wrong.

Exploitation disguised as helpfulness.

The thing about most narcissistic people is they don’t just straight out hurt you, they don’t make friends with you, they make allies with you under the disguise of a friendship or relationship, they swop in to save the day, offer advice that turns out extremely unhelpful, yet they do just enough helpful stuff, so you feel gratitude towards them, questioning your instincts because they can treat you so well, narcissists often have that charismatic charm, where you feel inspired by them. They will do something that attracts you towards them. Often when you’re at your lowest, they’ll exploit these vulnerabilities by playing your hero, then when you don’t do, as they say, they come at you with. “After all, I’ve done for you.” So you feel guilty not doing something for them. They usually have something on you that you’d prefer others not to know about you, to make it harder for you to walk free when they are hurting you, genuine people will be there for you when they can be, narcissistic people are there for you when they need something from you, even someone to help enable their behaviour, it’s very difficult to believe how hurtful someone has treated another when they’re treating you so well. Always trust your instincts. They know what they’re on about even when you don’t.

Bragging disguised as being humble.

A narcissist can happily play down all they’ve done for you in front of others, so you go overboard explaining to others how helpful, kind, generous the narcissist is, while the narcissist stands there claiming “it’s what anyone would do, it was nothing.” Then when the narcissist reveals their true colours to you, those around you might not believe you, so you fear speaking up for what the narcissist is actually doing to you, often thinking it wasn’t that bad, or it doesn’t happen often when it shouldn’t happen at all, some around you might see through the narcissist. Those the narcissist is treating so well might not, they’ll be thinking how lovely the narcissist is, often supporting and enabling the narcissist, while the narcissist claims they don’t have to, so people believe the narcissist to be humble.

Exploitation disguised as giving.

Some narcissists can be extremely generous. Just like the helpful narcissist, they’re not giving for giving sake. They’re giving to sell people an illusion of who they can be to hide who they are, they might give time, attention of financial resources, when they’re giving so much to one person it’s so hard for that person to see how the narcissists are manipulating someone or withholding something from others, narcissist give so, later on, they can use what they gave you against you, some might just say “after all I’ve done.” others will take back what they gave you, or hold over you what they do for you if you don’t do what they want you too.

Sarcasm disguised as humour.

A narcissist will shame, blame, lie, deny. criticise, mock, judge, humiliate. When you or those around you call the narcissist out, they’ll come at you claiming, “I was only joking.” or you can’t take a joke, so you’re led to believe something is wrong with your feelings rather than something is wrong with the narcissist’s behaviour.

Envy disguised as negativity.

Narcissists can be some of the most envious people you could ever come across. However they like to hide this by claiming others get all the luck, or why would you want a car like that? what would you want to go on holiday there for? what would you want to do that for? they’ll bring down the qualities, looks, luck or possessions of others to feel better within themselves, or they’ll play the victim with. “They got help.” to make others feel sorry for the narcissist. To those who will deny any help or support they got, as they believe they are the ones helping others and others are stopping them.

I’m so stupid. Yes, you’re right.

When the narcissist pulls themselves down to get you to pick them up, when the narcissist will invalidate themselves to get you to validate them, when you call the narcissist out, they might claim, “Oh, I’m sorry I forgot you were perfect, so you might start explaining to them why you’re not perfect in the hopes of making them feel better, for one day the narcissist to uses your explanations in some way against you.

How to handle.

Recognising you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness, just because you care for those who hurt you doesn’t mean you allow them to hurt you. Narcissists don’t see themselves as the problem. No matter how much you try to help a narcissist, it’s only going to hurt you. They don’t think they need help. They just look for ways to get away with their behaviour. You can care, if you wish to do so, just care from a distance.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

10 Behaviours Of Narcissism, Red Flags Of A Narcissist.

Someone’s narcissistic partner is someone else’s narcissistic parent, boss, coworker, parent, friend or child. Narcissists only change their manipulation depending on who they are around. They do not change out of the disorder. It’s who they are. There are many signs someone in our life is toxic; however, as they’re also manipulative, they often gaslight our reality, so we don’t see these signs. In hindsight, red flags are wonderful full things; however, when we don’t have an awareness of what these red flags are, we don’t know what we don’t know, so we don’t understand what these signs are. Here are ten signs of a toxic narcissistic person within your life.

1. They are Hypocritical.

Narcissists can be some of the most hypocritical people you could ever meet. Common rules just don’t seem to apply to them; however, those same rules will apply to those around them. The whole do as I say and not as I do, what’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own. Narcissists tend to be incredibly self-entitled people who believe they can have what they want. When they want with whoever they want, they often have a grandiose belief that they are superior so deserve to do as they please without consequences for their actions.

One of the most confusing things about a narcissist is they don’t treat you badly all of the time.

A Narcissist will happily take your money but very unwilling to part with their.

Narcissistic parents don’t purchase things for their children out of the willingness to care for the children they created. They purchase things for their children to use those very items against their own children.

A Narcissist that will happily spend money on you, will then happily use that against you. “What about when I.” To get you to do something you’d prefer not to do. They’ll purchase a mattress for your bed. Then when move straight in with someone new, all cosy in the new supply’s bed. They’ll want that mattress back off you.

If you know how to cut hair, they’ll expect you to cut hair, yet if they know how to cook your favourite meal, they’ll not cook it, unless they want something in return from you, and you’ll usually have to do the return favour first, while they forget they ever promised to do anything for you.

A Narcissist will happily use your stuff, often claiming it’s theirs, but not be forthcoming in loaning theirs, or returning yours. You’ll have to chase them for that. If they do return, it’s often damaged in some way.

As narcissistic people are more than capable of treating you so well when they want something from you, when the narcissist seeks to punish you, as you don’t recognise you’re being emotionally abused, often you’re the one left, blaming, questioning and doubting yourself and not their mistreatment of you.

2. They create competition.

As narcissistic people can be some of the most envious people you could ever meet, they’re usually laying the bait to create some form of competition for themselves to win at the expense of those around them because they often lack the empathy to care for who they hurt.

A narcissist will create competition between themselves and others. They’ll purchase a new car just to say, “I bet sams doesn’t have this feature.” to feel better about themselves.

A young grandchild can innocently ask, “how come you only have one car.” because that child’s parents have two, for the narcissist to respond, “at least I have five bedrooms and not two.”

A narcissist will create competition between others so they can stand back and watch the show.

A narcissist will create competition between others “sam would do it for me.” to get people to compete for the narcissist’s attention.

Whatever competition they create, a narcissist creates to win.

Narcissists aren’t competitive to become better than they were yesterday, growing confidence. They are competitive where they seek to pull others down to feel or look better themselves, the narcissist’s arrogance.

3. They are Controlling.

Narcissists seek many ways to control others.

They monitor your outings, accuses you of things you haven’t done, cause arguments before you go out, or arguments when you get back, so you no longer want to bother going out or doing things for you, keeping you busy, so you don’t have time for your own hobbies. Play you off against friends and family, putting you in the middle and making you choose, often lying about what friends and family have said about you.

They control your money. Either not working and using yours, or letting you believe it’s a good idea for you not to work then them not giving you enough, yet not allowing you back into work.

They will guilt trip you, triangulate you, shame you, and pity play to get you to break down your boundaries and do things you don’t want to or wouldn’t normally do.

They will damage property, from punching doors to smashing items up.

They can never let you have the last word, even if that means them sulking off and giving you the silent treatment.

They invalidate you, call you names, call you crazy, insecure, sensitive, put you down in obvious overt ways. “You look fat in that.” or covert means. “Are you really going to wear that?”

They use anger to intimidate you or silent treatment into punishing you if you don’t give them what they want.

They don’t compromise. They always have to be right, always claiming that they know what’s best for you.

4. They shame you.

Narcissists exploit others to meet a need of their own. They might judge you, criticise you, shame you, blame you. They’ll claim it’s all your fault. “What would you do without me.”to leave you feeling like you’re not enough.

5. They guilt trip.

A narcissist might lack empathy for you. However, they know how to use your compassion against you. “If you loved me, you would.” what about me.” “After all, I’ve done for you.” to get you to do something for them, however, as they are extremely hypocritical people. If you say to them after all, I’ve done, as they’ve usually trained you to bend over backwards to help them, while they do very little for you. They will throw it all back in your face. They can use it on you. You can not use it on them, the narcissist’s hypocrisy shining through.

6. Vulnerability.

A narcissist will happily play the victim to exploit your compassion to meet their needs. They might come across as really open and honest with you when what they’re truly doing is using your empathy against you. You might feel comfortable being vulnerable with them initially, as a narcissist wants to get to know all about you so that they can use your vulnerabilities against you later down the line. However, once they have you, you can no longer be vulnerable with them. Now it’s a case of “you’re too sensitive.” “you’re overreacting.” “it wasn’t that bad.” try to share your news, good or bad, due to their competitiveness, seeking that external validation which at times we all can, seeking that attention, a narcissists bad news will be far worse than yours, their good news, far better than yours, they just can’t seem to be happy for you. It’s never about a two-way conversation to show they understand you. It’s to bring the attention back onto themselves.

7. Require attention.

Narcissists often require excessive attention if they can not get this attention through adoration and praise. If a narcissist doesn’t want to go all out throwing you the best party ever, expecting eternal recognition and praise, they’ll go all out to destroy a party for you while blaming you. If you call them out, they’ll come at you with things like. “Oh, I knew it would be my fault. I forgot you were perfect.”

8. Not listen to you.

If a narcissist isn’t interested, doesn’t have something to gain, they’ll happily ignore you. If they don’t want to answer a question, they’ll stonewall you, a narcissist will withhold attention, affection and support to punish you for things you haven’t even done, and a narcissist will go all out to gaslight you into doubting and blaming yourself, working harder to please them, not recognising what they’re doing to you.

Narcissists lack empathy, so when they fall silent on you, and you go and beg and plead with them, they get a twisted kick out of it. They enjoy the attention. They feel like they matter; however, your feelings do not matter to them.

9. Ignore healthy boundaries.

No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control over someone else mind, who is not getting their own way, who is getting shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do.

A narcissist will ignore healthy boundaries. The more you try to say no to them, the more they up their games to get what they want from you. They don’t accept you’re no. They see it as a challenge to win. They’re going to start creating things, so they can start winning.

10. Nothing is ever their fault.

Narcissists will not be blamed. To them, it’s not their problem, it’s not their fault, they didn’t do it, they don’t say sorry because narcissistic people often believe other people made them do the hurtful things they do, they don’t take responsibility, they refuse to be held accountable, and they try to pass any consequences off onto those around them by blaming those around them.

As narcissists will not be held accountable for their behaviour, they don’t change their behaviour. They just learn new ways to manipulate to get away with their behaviour.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook.

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram.

On Pinterest.

On LinkedIn.

The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

The full course.

Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse. 

The free course.

Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse. 

Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here for more information about the narcissist personality disorder. 

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex. 

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp. (Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

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What Is Gaslighting And 7 Of A Narcissists Most Common Gaslighting Phrases.

Narcissists use many everyday phrases to distract you from your reality, to convince you that they’re right, that you didn’t see something, didn’t hear something, that there’s nothing wrong with their mistreatment of you and everything wrong with your emotional reactions towards them.

A narcissist wants to convince you that what you see, hear or feel isn’t true, so they can manipulate your thoughts into believing your reality isn’t real, that whatever you’re feeling or experiencing isn’t real, so the narcissist can work events to their advantage, use your emotions to work in their favour and so the narcissist can get away with their behaviour,

A narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem to distract you from the fact that their actions are causing those emotional reactions within you.

Our emotions are strong feelings we have depending on our mood, circumstances, environment, and relationships.

Our feelings are physical or emotional states of awareness.

Our instincts are an intuitive way of thinking or feeling, depending on the environment we are in the people we are around. Just knowing something without knowing what we truly know.

Narcissistic people will happily downplay our emotional feelings if it works in their favour to do so. They will invalidate our instinct. They will criticise, ridicule and mock our reactions. They will deny our reality, claiming something isn’t happening when it actually is.

A Narcissist will call you crazy for something you later find out to be true.

A Narcissist will take something that happened to us and leave us questioning if it ever happened at all. They will hide things that we see. They will deny things that we hear, all while claiming that we are imagining things.

We end up questioning ourselves and not the narcissist. We lose sight of their behaviour, we lose sight of their motives, we lose sight of our instincts, and we lose sight of our reality. Due to the narcissist’s hidden phrases, the narcissist hides what they are doing to us through the narcissists gaslighting of our reality.

The more a narcissist gaslights us, the more we focus on our memory being wrong, our feelings being wrong, our experience being wrong, our thoughts being wrong, as gaslighting leads to confusion within our minds, second-guessing ourselves and others, doubting ourselves and our intentions, blaming ourselves and relying more on the narcissist more.

When it comes to life, we have to pay close attention to what others accuse us of feeling, especially when we do not even have those feelings, or of having those feelings more when around the certain person accusing us of feelings we don’t normally feel. Those accusing us of intentions we do not have, not seeing something we could have sworn we saw. As more often than not, those who accuse you of intentions you don’t have, have those intentions within themselves, of doing things you have not done, are doing those things to you, of feelings being too much are trying to downplay their behaviour, of feelings you do have, are trying to provoke those feelings within you.

Those who are envious of you often seek to destroy you and will go all out to provoke feelings of jealousy within you, their defence mechanism, to make themselves feel better for being envious of you, and make you feel worse for doing or having something they want. Narcissists want to twist the story and blame you, shame you, criticise you, judge you, mock you, then claim you’re the one who can’t take a joke when it’s the narcissist’s ego that couldn’t take the pain. When a narcissist isn’t getting the attention they believe they’re entitled to from you, because you are talking to a family member, the narcissist will go all out to impress a stranger. Getting attention from the stranger often while provoking you. When you go to communicate your experience, your very valid feelings with a narcissist they’ll turn it around and claim.

1. “You’re jealous.”

When a narcissist accuses you of being jealous, is shuts down any two-way conversation, it gets you explaining yourself to them, questioning and doubting yourself, rather than them explaining themselves to you for their behaviour, and you recognising what they are doing, a narcissist will not say, “I’m sorry you weren’t giving me the attention I’m entitled to, so I got attention over there which made me feel good, while I punished you which made me feel even better.” A narcissist might say, “I’m sorry if you’d had paid me more attention. I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.” Again the narcissist is trying to lay all the blame at your door. Those who are cheating on you will often accuse you of cheating on them or claim.

2. “You have trust issues.”

You’re going to develop trust issues around those with lying issues, so when you start having trust issues around someone you should be able to trust, you need to pay more attention to what your instincts are telling you and less attention to the narcissist who is gaslighting you. When you are with a trustworthy person, they’ll not bring out trust issues within you, if you have a vulnerability about trust from your past. A genuine person will go all out to reassure you. Those who are cheating on you will want to discredit your feelings and blame you. Those who care about you will try to understand and reassure you. People who are manipulating your reality, your feelings, your experience, manipulating your life, manipulating your thoughts are going to accuse you of overthinking

3. “Your Overthinking.”

Every time you go to communicate with them because they lead you to believe they care, their arrogance comes across as confidence, so they seem to have it all together. It’s effortless to go to them for reassurance, not realising they’re going to invalidate your experience. They’re going to pull you down, so they can feel superior to you, avoid getting found out by you and continue their manipulative behaviour. You are going to start ruminating around those who keep changing things on you, denying reality to you, lying to you. It’s very valid and most understandable that you’ll begin to overanalyse things, question things, because you’re trying to get to the truth of the matter, being lead around a maze with no centre, you feel confused and disoriented. You’re going to start thinking so you can begin to find truthful answers as to what you’re experiencing.

As you know, your thinking when they accuse you of “overthinking.” which matches what’s happening to you, you have that thought validate and trust them, not your instincts. Then a narcissist has you right where they want you. The narcissist will provoke you to question things then accuse you of overthinking when you do, those who provoke you, to gain an emotional reaction from you, so when they get it, they can stand back all calm and ask, “what’s your problem.” or claim “Don’t you think you’re overreacting.”

4. “You’re Overreacting.”

Narcissistic people often rely on reactive abuse so that they can feel better about their feelings their mistakes. By focusing on yours, as they see themselves as better than you, they will twist anything they do to you, over you, and find a way to blame you. “If you hadn’t.” “You made me.” as a narcissist will play the victim oh so well, yet when they provoke an emotional reaction from you, they’ll stand back all calm and ask, “what’s wrong with you.” Or claim, “see, this is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d overreact like this.” Reactive abuse is when you react to the narcissist’s abuse of you, and then the narcissist blames your reactions to their actions as being the problem to deny your reality that their actions are causing your reactions. A narcissist doesn’t want you to see what they’re doing, so they’ll downplay what they’re doing to you while gaining a response from you, which they can exaggerate and blame you for “overreacting.” when your reactions are perfectly normal to their actions, when we pay attention what you often notice is, it is the narcissist who’s into dramatics as they play the victim to gain sympathetic attention, that are the very people most likely to exaggerate your reactions and downplay their actions, while you downplay their actions. “They had a bad day.” As narcissists provoke you into raging at them, you believe you’re the problem and are grateful to them for putting up with you, often backed up with more of the narcissists lies of “after all I’ve done for you, no one would put up with you like I do.”

A narcissist creates an environment of instability, insecurity, confusion and fear. They withhold attention, affection and support. They get you repressed and depressed, anxious and living on the edge that you become more and more emotionally reactive to those provoking emotions within you. Those lying to you and those who are lying to you are going to accuse you of being crazy when you catch them out on their lies towards you.

5. “You’re crazy.

When they’re cheating on you, and you walk in to see something that doesn’t belong to either of you, they might claim it’s theirs, or some have been known to claim it’s yours and say. “You really are losing your mind.” Or they might move the item when your not looking and say, “what item?” “You’re imagining things again.” Or if you pick it, the narcissist, might say, “where have you got that from? No, it wasn’t there who gave that to you.” To get you defending and explaining yourself to them so they no longer have to, to you. As they’re invalidating you, gaslighting you and distracting you from the truth of the situation. When a narcissist feels hurt that you called them out if you don’t agree with them, if you say no to a narcissist, or the narcissist is envious of you, so they’re seeking to punish you. Then once they’ve got you all in your feelings, when you go to communicate your feelings with them, the narcissist will accuse you of being too sensitive.

6. “You’re too sensitive.”

Those who purposely hurt your feelings are incredibly insensitive people who lack the empathy to care for you. If you go to communicate your feelings with them, the narcissist will accuse you of being too sensitive. When you’re feeling sensitive, it’s easy to buy into the narcissists lies, as you are left to question your feelings to their behaviour and not the route cause to your feelings, their behaviour. Just like liars that accuse you of being crazy, emotional manipulators accuse you of overreacting or being too sensitive, being jealous, those who are trying to hide things from you are going to accuse you of imagining things.

7. “You imagine things.”

A narcissist doesn’t want you to see the things they’re doing to you. They want to hide these from you, they want to downplay how you feel, distract you from what’s happening to you, they want to manipulate your reality to serve them, they want to get you on the defensive explaining yourself to them, they want to get you to blame yourself, apologising and making it up to them for the things you don’t realise they’re doing to you. So the narcissist can get away with their mistreatment of you, so they can continue exploiting you.

We have to stop going to those for reassurance who continue to invalidate how we feel.

How to handle.

With a lot of what the narcissist says, it often comes down to your word against their word, if you can keep communication with a third party present, via email or messages, so you have written evidence, if not especially if your at the start of learning about their manipulation games or might need proof, keep a written diary, so when they are making you doubt something they did or did not say or something you did or didn’t say, you can check this, especially when it comes to making any child care arrangements.

Your mindset is also crucial; they are not in charge of you, they are not in charge of how you feel, your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind, take back control of your mind, every step of every day, until you are you, your life or who you want to be, so if they’re trying to confuse you. You know exactly what happened, look inward to yourself and give yourself the answer, do not respond or react to them; they will not suddenly say, “Oh yes, sorry, you’re right.” The best you’ll get is more gaslighting of ”I’m sorry you. I’m sorry but you.” and when they get what they want, they’ll no longer be interested in you. You have to learn to look to yourself and leave them be in their own false reality.

You do not have to defend yourself or rationalise to the narcissist. This only gives them more attention, more reactions and more ammunition to use against you, keeping their control over you and your mind; just know what you know and leave them be; the only person you need to answer to is yourself. When they try to trigger you, Retreat, Rethink and only respond if you need to do so.

When you do have to communicate with them, do your best to stay relaxed, do not show them any emotions, look just over their right ear. If they are reasonable, be reasonable back; if they are being harmful or hurtful, do not engage, just like two wrongs don’t make a right, two people locked in negativity, don’t bring either happiness. You can scream and cry let those emotions out once they have left. This is why it’s best to stick to limited contact, using messages and emails, especially at the start; some are dangerous, so it would need to be no contact.

George Bernard Shaw.

“Never wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”

If you say. “It was like this”, and they say, “you’re wrong.”

If you have to respond. “That’s ok; I know you, and I think differently, my opinion is for me, and yours is for you.” Then leave it at that.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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