Reproductive Abuse, And Why They Have Children.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

What is reproductive abuse and why narcissistic people have children?

Reproductive coercion or reproductive control.

The three forms of reproductive coercion are pregnancy coercion, birth control coercion, control of the outcome of the pregnancy coercion.

Pregnancy coercion is when the partner puts pressure on you to have a child, they can either put the admiration face on and go on and on about how great it would be to have a child, until you want one, or use verbal threats and other manipulation tactics.

Birth Control sabotage, they’ll either mess with pills, hiding them or removing condoms after agreeing to wear one, women saying they are on birth control when they are not.

Controlling the outcome of the pregnancy, again through lots of manipulation tactics, to influence someone into keeping the baby, or aborting the baby, through intimidation and threats.

A narcissistic person believes they are entitled to do as they please, regardless of the effects it has on those around them. They exploit people to get their own needs met.

A narcissist that wants children, simply believes the children are an extension of themselves.

With a narcissist all they do is further manipulate, they will stop at nothing to manipulate, including children.

Did your narcissist want to have a baby with you, not long after you had met? They will want children with you, no matter how many they already have, or how many you have.

This is all just another manipulative tool for the narcissist, to help them achieve their aims.

There are several ways narcissist use having a child together. For manipulation, not all narcissist want children, those that do, want them very early on, to prove how committed they are to you. Two people falling in lovemaking that comment together to create new life. The promise to have children with you is only so they can get what they want from you.

You’re still in the idolisation period, this amazing person wants to have children with you, it’s all your dreams coming true. It made to seem like a loving and romantic comment that they want children with you, Weather it’s the male narcissist getting you pregnant, or the female narcissist carrying your child. It’s all another manipulation technique, to re-enforce their dominance over you and conquer you.

To the male narcissist, they believe they are planting their very essence deep inside of you. They may use the term. “Planting my seed.” Or “I chose you to be my incubator.” As we are an appliance to them, where we boil a kettle for hot water to meet a need, they manipulate people to meet a need. To the male narcissist getting you pregnant is the ultimate accomplishment. They feel powerful and they place what they believe to be their essence inside of you. It’s the ultimate conquest.

They believe they have placed themselves inside you.

From the female narcissist point of view, they believe they have consumed a part of you inside them. They also feel powerful and that they have conquered you.

Those narcissists who want children will make good of their promises, possible the only promises they will keep after the idolisation period, they will have a child with you for their own gains, one is to bind you to them through the child, having a child with you, means to them that you are far less likely to escape them, if you leave or they cheat, your far more likely to go back if you have a child together. You want the perfect family and In that idolisation period, who better to have this with, then after the idolisation period, you want the dream back of that perfect family, it messes with our reality, causing cognitive dissonance, within our minds.

The narcissist knows because of your empathy, you will dedicate yourself to the children’s upbringing, you will have a huge obstacle in your way, when you’ve had enough of their behaviour and want to leave, as you’ll not want to take the child away from the parent, it’s also not as easy to walk away with a child, and start afresh then it would be if it was just you. you will allow them to reduce their own involvement, as with a narcissist they are lacking in support unless they have something to gain from it.

Narcissist use children to keep their hold over you, to keep you tied to them.

Neither male or female narcissist have children because they want children with you. Males purely use the female as an incubator. You are just the narcissist host. Once you are pregnant a lot of male narcissists will cast you aside, not all will, you are just an appliance, to carry their offspring, they are now free, to chase another appliance.

If the pregnancy remains in the idolisation period, you’ll be doted on.

Once the children have arrived they are then used as pawns in the narcissists never-ending game of chess, where they will always try to through you into checkmate, whichever way you turn. They are used to create competition with you, they will triangulate children off against each other and you. Divide and conquer, is what the narcissist is all about. You may have heard them say, “I love you more than daddy don’t I?”Or “I love you more than mummy don’t I?” They will also say things like. “Don’t tell mummy but she doesn’t love you only I do.” Or “ don’t tell daddy about this, but he doesn’t love you, only I do.”

They use these kinds of words so the children know who is their master, and don’t want to approach the other parent as the children don’t think the other parent loves them.

They use these words to manipulate and triangulate you with the children.

“Isn’t mummy/daddy grumpy today.”

“I’ll let you, But mummy/daddy wouldn’t.”

“Daddy / Mummy is too strict or regimented.”

“Aren’t you happy you look exactly like me.”

“Have this money, but don’t tell Daddy/Mummy as they’ll be annoyed with you for taking it.”

A lot will fight tooth and Nail for their children, anyone perceived to criticise the children, from teachers to managers of the team sport they play, will feel the wrath of the narcissist, if their child isn’t picked for a first-team spot, they will depend, condemn the choices of others. Stomp off with the child. They will use this to appear like they are the doting daddy, the marvellous mummy. A perfect parent that wants the best for their children.

If the child is behind at school, or in popularity you will be blamed, it will be all your fault if the children are not the best at everything.

If you’ve separated, what they once told you was good about your parenting, will now be turned against you, what a terrible parent you are. How you’re damaging the children. They will use the children to draw any emotional gain they can from you however they can, if they walk away from the children, it’ll be because “you’re bitter and twisted.” And will not allow them to see the children, you may be involved with the type of narcissist that will battle for custody because your crazy. If safeguarding issues are in place so you stop access, they will not see this. As they are never accountable, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Lastly, they have children for a legacy, so they believe they will live on, they believe their greatness lives on through the achievements of their children. “ they get their brains from me.” Or “They get their sporting abilities from me.” The narcissist will always take the credit for what the children achieve. They don’t believe the child achieves anything, they believe that they caused the children’s achievements.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

Video for more information on cognitive dissonance.

A blog to help if you have children with the narcissist.

Help With Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Self-help ways to recover from a narcissistic relationship.

When you become more confident within yourself, it becomes second nature to stop allowing negative people in your life.

Days, weeks or for some years have passed, yet you may still feel trapped in your own mind, about the past and the toxic relationship, well give yourself some praise, you are free, no matter how you got free. It’s a very painful experience to overcome, so give yourself more praise for seeking a way past, how you’ve been affected and want to move on.

Stop people-pleasing, creating boundaries and saying “no.” Learn your boundaries and stick to them, so if someone asks you for help

With something, if your free and want to go help. If you’re really busy say. “ I’m sorry I’ve got something on at the moment, I can help.” And state when you’re free to if you want to help them out. If it’s someone who’s come out of a narcissistic relationship and you were in one too, it’s ok to drop everything and go to them, as you know how much they need you. It’s about you and what and when you want to do things to help others. Say no to those who don’t help you. Help those that do instead, give and take. You can even say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow.” So you can give yourself space and time to think. Think about what you could be doing if you weren’t people-pleasing, put yourself first and don’t feel guilty for doing it, yes it’s a learning curve, it can be hard saying no to people at first, you will feel uncomfortable at first, good people who love you will not find this a problem, only toxic people will react, don’t worry those are the kinds of people you don’t want in your life anyway. believe in yourself. You can do it. It will help you, with your self-worth. You need to let go of that need to be liked by everyone, just be liked by people who like you for who you are. Be true to yourself.

If you’re not already taking care of yourself physically, start today when you take care of yourself physically, it can dramatically improve your mental health, get yourself a hair cut, try going for a walk, for some, it might be a step forward of brushing your teeth. After a narcissistic relationship, to some this can seem like a mammoth hurdle, just jump in and do one, then keep doing it, adding a new step into your new-found self and routine every couple of days.

Remove anything from your home that reminds you of your ex to avoid any unnecessary triggers.

Getting your self-esteem back after the narcissist. Do not feel ashamed, angry or guilty. You could not see the abuse, the manipulation was out of your control. You went into a relationship with an amazing person and feel deeply in love, they slowly took you apart. you might want to tell people what’s happened or you may feel ashamed by what happened, both are ok, both are normal feelings. Do what’s right for you, if you want to tell people do if you want to keep it secret do. Whatever is best for you. Join a support group, if you see it happening to someone else, you can let them know you know exactly how it feels, that you’ll be there for them no matter what. Write a book, do whatever feels right to you, follow your intuition on what’s right for you.

Self-esteem video.

If your worries are you may fall for another narcissist. Learn the red flags, then take care of yourself. It is about knowing who you are, yes we are human, we all make mistakes, we all have good qualities to bring to others too, value who you are. Know your boundaries, if someone cannot accept you for you if they don’t have a different opinion to you if they move way to fast, step away and slow it down.

It’s far better to be alone and love yourself than be with someone who disrespects everything about you. Real love and relationships it hard works at times, it’s given and takes. Sometimes it’s 50/50 others it’s 90/10 but the coin flips so it’s 10/90 then back to 50/50 give and take depending on each circumstance at any given time, it’s about working together. Knowing and respecting that you have different opinions, working on a middle ground, helping each other out. Being there for each other. Not one gives it their all and the other takes. Staying true to yourself and them staying true to themselves.

Find your passion. Ask “who am I.” Find what you enjoy doing, find what you love in life, then baby steps to reach who you want to be. Learn how to be alone strong and whole by yourself, I do have a post on loneliness if you want more information on this.

You can overcome a narcissist relationship, and move forward to a more positive happier life.

Video on boundaries.

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

Grey Rock, How To Handle A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Grey rock.

So you have a narcissist in your life. You perhaps wish it was not the case, or at least there’d suddenly become a loving, caring, empathetic person, yet they are not, they are selfish, negative and hurtful and no matter how many times you give them another chance to learn from their own mistakes and no longer hurt you, they hurt you again, time and time again the pain hits, until one day you’ve finally had enough, then all hell breaks loose and the manipulative games and smear campaigns begin. This is for those on the lower end of the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum if you have children with them or it’s a parent you can not remove as that would mean cutting off good people. Now those on the upper end of the scale you will have no choice but to start no contact and stick to it no matter what, it isn’t easy, it is possible.

You do not have to live the rest of your life with their never-ending games, get control back of your beliefs, your values, your standards, put yourself and your children first, do not listen to the narcissist.

here in Facebook messenger you can have ignored messages, meaning you’ll still receive them, they’ll not know you have read them, and you can look when you are calm and collected to do so, if they have sent something that still hits a nerve, retreat, rethink and only respond once when calm if you need to do so.

When you get to a point where you are good with who you are, which will happen, find the laughter in their unbelievable messages, it truly helps.

Another thing is set up a new email address only for them to email you, so you only see if you look.

The narcissist may be in your life, they do not have to be in your head. The grey below requires practice and you won’t get it right the first time, but, when used consistently, it will put emotional distance, between you and the narcissist, it’s Observe don’t Absorb if you are face to face with them.

Observe don’t absorb video.

The best way to handle any narcissist is no contact, and remove them from your life, this is possible always, yet when you have children with them, or it’s a parent or a boss, if they are low end on the disorder, you can try other ways.

The best step is grey rock, as I said above, with practise it’s very achievable, in the future it’ll become second nature, you can also get to the point, where you don’t love the narcissist, you don’t hate the narcissist, you want nothing to do with them, but you can not help pitying them, forgoing around in circles, with nothing in their lives other than abuse and control.

Believe you will get to the point when your emotions are purely pity towards them when you read a response, and realise that’s how they see it. It’s not how it is, but they are so full of self-pity and woe is me they believe the worlds against them.

Why will grey rock work? A narcissist is a false person in a mask, they believe they are the star of the movie. It’s very difficult to be that star, without the supporting cast, the directors, the film crew and no audience to watch, something that didn’t get made. They might try now and again, while ever you’re giving emotional responses, they will keep going.

Charles Dickens, once wrote, “blood cannot be obtained from a stone.”

So with the grey rock, it’s a case of emotions cannot be obtained by a rock.” The narcissist is trying to gain emotions and you will be the rock.

Keep conversation to an absolute minimum. If you don’t have to talk to them, don’t. If you don’t need to talk to them, don’t.

When you do have to talk to them, stick to tedious subjects like the weather. If they ask questions, give short, uninspiring answers that can’t possibly lead to further conversation. “ that’s interesting.” “Ok.” “Yes.” “No.” Do not get drawn in, do not go off-topic. Keep responding with “ interesting.” If they try new topics. If you don’t want to commit with a yes or no. “ we’ll see.” “Hmmm.”

They ask, “how are you?” and you respond “fine, thanks.” Do not ask how they are.

They ask, “what did you do at the weekend?” and you respond “Washed the pots.” Or “cut the grass.” Or “ nothing.” Do not ask them what they did.

If they respond with “you’ve become boring,” just nod, no need to respond you know different.

Never talk about your personal life, they will hook onto the smallest detail, don’t let them know anything about your new life. They are extremely envious people and will try to hoover if they think they can get something from you.

Never tell them how well you are doing. They are driven by their egos, as much as you’d like to show them how well your doing, DO NOT, they believe they are better than anyone, this will ignite their inner rage, if that’s in anger or coming to hoover you back up.

Do not ask them questions. No conversation at all.

When you do have to talk face to face, look over their right ear. Show no emotion, do not respond or react, whatever they may say if you need to let it out once they’ve left do so. Never in front of the narcissist.

Try to stick to facts wherever possible.

Stick to statements. “Antibiotics at 11, 15:00 and 19:00.”

“Parent evening Thursday at 17:00.”

Do not respond to anything after they have the information they need, what they choose to do with that is up to them.

Do not talk about the past. If they try to reminisce, with a do you remember. Your answer is. “No.” Stick with “no.” Look past them, through them or blankly at them.

If they blame you for something, via message, do not respond, or explain, that’s what they want. You will have given them countless opportunities in the past and explained till your blue in the face, they are not listening, if they blame you to your face it. “Ok.” Or play them at their own game. “ I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Understanding they have a disorder and it’s who they are, it did not start with you and it will not end with you. You did not cause it, you can not change it, and you can only control you.

Why they can not understand your video.

Trying to explain your point of view is pointless if they don’t agree, they are not interested and they don’t care, they just feel anger and resentment towards you for not doing as they want. Why they will throw almighty childish tantrums in adults body’s, the blame-shifting, projection, provoking, rage, silent treatments and sulks, to get reactions from you, break down your boundaries and get their needs met.

Video on their mind games.

Grey rock isn’t easy, especially at the start, but it soon becomes second nature, it’s very effective.

You may want to stand up for yourself, scream and shout at them. ( let it out once they have gone) Do not do this in front of them. Stand up for yourself, by leaving them to get on with their pitiful lives, whilst you enjoy yours, that is the best way to stand up to them. The more you do grey rock, you’ll soon get to a point you no longer feel the need to react, baby steps until you reach that point.

Remember, your rules, your boundaries, your values, your standards, you have given them enough chances.

Another extremely controversial method as some are dangerous, and if you’re not in a good place it’s not a nice place to live, you have to know who you are, know your worth and know your confidence to be able to pull this off, it’s in a way treat them how they treat you, without any manipulative mind games, more with the good intentions of living peaceful, parallel parenting for your children.

This is you levelling up and training them to manage up.

1. Always have children ready at time stated, always make sure you drop off and pick children up at the set time. If for any reason you’re late, let them know in brief. “Traffic 10 min.” No need to go into great detail stick to the point. If they drop the children off on time, collect on time, meet you on time, shower them with praise and lots of it, without criticism. “Thank you so much for being here it’s much appreciated and I’m grateful for you.” You will have to play along with the conversation. (Focus on the back of your mind, it’s for the children.) when they are late or children not ready, grey rock it, the business like boring.

2. When they get the children’s hair cuts, don’t give it away with your dislike in your face, praise them. “Thank you for getting their hair done, this had saved me so much time and money, it’s much appreciated.”

3. When they don’t stick to children’s schedules or don’t show up for things, don’t give chase, instead pretend they do not exist, when they do the show, shower them with how grateful the children and you are.

If it’s parents or bosses, the same applies, when they treat you right, knowledge them, don’t give them what they want if it breaks your boundaries, yet if you’re ok, give them the appreciation. When they are being hurtful or manipulative, give them nothing.

Basically, you are training them that you are no longer interested in negative, hurtful, behaviour, and they will get no attention from it, yet they are learning that they get a response when they stick to arrangements. This is not to manipulate them in any way, this is to show your appreciated when they work with you for the children’s best interest, and that you don’t need them and will lose all interest in them when they play their games.

Again not easy, as you need to recover from the hurt and the pain first, to be in your best possible state of mind. Also, some narcissistic people are extreme and you will have to go no contact.

Keep all emails, all messages, in case you need for evidence in future. Remember no one throws a tantrum like a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do.

If you are in court with them now.

please click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

How A Narcissist Steals Your Trust, Ways To Rebuild Your Self-Trust.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

After being intoxicated by a narcissist, you are often left with no trust in them, no trust for others and not trust yourself. Being scared to be who you are, and scared to open up to those around you.

They can do this as they chose people who do trust in themselves and others.

They chose people who operate on trust, then abuse that trust.

When someone tells you, “you’ve worked hard.” “You’ve done well.” “I like your top.” You trust them, you’ve no reason to. You wouldn’t think twice about questioning them why.

You trust the food you buy from the shop will be edible, you trust that order you placed online will be delivered, as you’ve no reason not to, if it didn’t turn up, you may think it’s lost in the mail, check it’s not with neighbours, either way, you trust you’ll get it, if not you trust you’ll get a refund. You trust police and courts, to keep law and order.

You trust in a partner, in a relationship, to love and care about you, to not hurt you, to love with your full heart and trust completely, you go into relationships trusting them and assume they will do the same, you don’t go around suspicious of those around you, you take things at face value, this is normal human behaviour.

You are honest, you hate dishonesty, you like to know the truth. In the idolisation period they treat us so well, that we are conned into believing how much they love and care about us, we believe that they tell us the truth, as we believe they are honest and open, they make us think we can trust them, they may even tell us about how others have smashed their hearts to pieces, they know how that feels and they wouldn’t do that to anyone. We have no reason to not believe what they are saying and as they are so convincing it’s hard not to believe them. Yet are just playing on our trust in others, our empathy and our caring nature, to gain our trust.

So when they start to say. “ it’s just a friend,” we trust them when they say we are their soul mate. We trust them. when they borrow money from us, we trust they will pay us back like they said they would, when the female narcissist says they are on the pill. you trust them when they say they are working late. We trust them. When they say they’ll take care of the bills. We trust them. They can then slowly but surely shatter our trust during devaluation.

Our trust in them is what they use against us time and time again, with the gaslighting and twisted words we often end up confused, believing they are good and it must be something we said or did, as we lived the reality of the idolisation phase we look for the good in them and them, they slowly take our trust, disrespect it, stomp all over it.

When we question them, it’s then the mind games of the silent treatment, gaslighting, blame-shifting, project and so much more, leaving us with self-doubt

Then when we see what’s been happening, they will have left with no explanation and no closure, leaving a horrible pain in our heart, and horrible thoughts running through our minds, that we can just not seem to be able to escape from, leaving us to deal with all the aftermath. With all that narcissist do, most of us are often left with no trust, within ourselves and often not knowing who to trust around us, questioning why people are being nice to us, if they want something from us, are they being genuine or do they just want to use us?

Most of us might feel foolish and not want to talk to others if we are not already isolated a lot self-isolate to Avoid any further pain. you are far from alone if you have done this, with how they manipulate it’s hard to see, as they can bring that idolisation, play nice period back in at any time, and we look for the good and want to believe them, it’s even more difficult to see what’s truly happening to us. you can and you will get your trust back, first in yourself and then in others. Be proud of yourself, for getting free.

Rebuilding Your self-trust After a narcissistic relationship.

After the trauma bond and cptsd. Rebuilding your trust, not only in yourself but trusting those around you. Your intuition is key in this, listen to it and take action with that it’s telling you, this will help you make the right choice and slowly re-build your trust.

Start reflecting back, at all those moments your intuition did know, but because you couldn’t work out what it was on about, you pushed it down ignored it and carried on anyway, little things in the beginning, you made excuses for, minimised them, perhaps instead of trusting that intuition you ended up asking the narcissist who lied it all away, even though your intuition was telling you what they were saying wasn’t right, you wanted to believe them, so you ignored your own intuition, that gut feeling, remember how many times you ignored it, you lost some more trust.

you may have plans and ideas of how your life is going to work out, then Life gets in the way, don’t think of it like that, think of it as you were going in the wrong direction and now life is guiding you a new way. Listen to your inner truth, what that gut of yours is telling you, that intuition, sometimes, it can be something out of nowhere that wasn’t even planned, if your intuition is telling you to do something, follow it.

If you look back 15 years,

10 years, 5 years, 1 year or six months, you’ll see how much wiser you are now, how much you’ve come through and learnt.

When you see signs, your intuition is trying to tell you something, look and listen to those signs.

Stop isolating yourself, start getting out their find your intuition and take action, every time you listen to your intuition, take action, see that it works for you, it’ll build your trust back up within yourself, then when you listen to it with those around you, it’ll build you trust up in others.

When you take action that agrees with your intuition, you’ll learn to trust yourself again.

raising your standards, knowing your values and beliefs, learning your boundaries and trusting from within, and each of us is different and entitled to our own. Learning your new blueprint on life and adapting to it, get pen and paper and write it down, where do you want to be in five years from now, and why would you like to be their, then actioning steps to get yourself their, working on you helps you to stop letting a negative narcissist rent space in your mind that will not cover the cost of the bill, bringing your focus onto you. You baby’s don’t quit, they learn to sit, crawl, walk and talk, it’s not easy they stumble, they fall, it takes time and it takes practice yet they don’t stop, babies make so many mistakes learning new skills yet they keep going, we are all capable of going, just like learning to write or ride a bike, we go until we get it as a child, yet somewhere in adulthood, we let the fear of our mistakes put us off achieving our goals and dreams, it’s ok to fail, it’s ok to fall, just go again, like Thomas Edison’s mindset when he invented the lightbulb, he didn’t fail 1000 times, he found 1000 ways it didn’t work until he found the way it did.

We are all capable, we are all special and we all have the greatness and power within to achieve our own dreams whatever they might be for us, we are all individuals.

Confidence and trust, values and beliefs are something your mind creates for you, so if someone lets you down once, you might think that’s ok, if they do the same thing twice you learn to not go to them in the future, for others from now on if someone lets you down once that’s it, you leave them be, depending what it is. If you meet someone who likes a drink or two and you can live with that in 10 years great, doesn’t mean that person is an alcoholic if it doesn’t fit your blueprint, your values or your beliefs leave them to live their life. Learning all about you and the behaviour you will and will not accept from others, and the behaviour you will and will not accept from yourself.

You can and you will recover from this.

Click the link below for the free online starter course if you’d like more help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

Video for more information on your boundaries.