Signs Of Narcissistic Parents And The Affects On You.

Having narcissistic parents can affect you as a child, it will often negatively impact your childhood, and when those childhood traumas at not healed it can impact your adulthood, as a child, you may not have felt loved, heard or seen, that your reality and feelings were not valid, that one or both of your parents treated you as an accessory and not a person, things like how you look is more important than how you feel. That your intellect is more important than emotions, that your sporting abilities are more important than the hobbies you’d enjoy. To keep your feelings bottled up, not to show emotions, to put up with things you shouldn’t have to put up with the whole.” stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

Signs your parent was a narcissist.

The image of the family home to the outside world was perfect. However, it didn’t match what it was like inside the family home.

There was lots of silence one parent always hushing you with ”you know what your mum/dad is like.” or one would sulk, and you felt like you could never approach them.

Your birthday and other special occasions, were always ruined. Or your parents would go overboard and find ways to make it all about them, as your parent always required the attention.

Your parents were never wrong. They would never admit fault. If they were, they would deny or pass the blame onto you. They would twist everything and never apologise. In a genuine way, if they did, it was twisted onto why it was your fault.

They never took your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board.

They would always put you down criticise how you looked, your friends, your choices etc. Insulted you.

They Gaslighted your reality.

They might have always taken you to the doctors for issues you didn’t ever have.

They would deny you love and affection unless you achieved something that they wanted you to.

You were not allowed to express your thoughts and feelings as your parents would use them against you.

They always lied to people or about people. They loved to put others down, claim how other families were inferior to yours.

They always took the credit for your achievements ”You get that from me.”

They would storm into your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy.

They would pity play and guilt trip. ”After all, I do for you.”

They wouldn’t listen or help with your problems, or you didn’t feel like you could talk to them, but they’ed expect you to listen to theirs.

They would ask you something then compare how much better or worse it was for them.

They were only interested in you, if they felt they had something to gain, they were extremely envious of you, and believed they were entitled to whatever you have, as narcissists will exploit others to meet a need of their own.

If they want something that’s yours, they feel entitled just to have it, as they have a lack of empathy, so have no regard to your feelings. ”what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own.” attitude.

If you said anything to them about them that didn’t like, they would intimidate, threaten you, scream at you.

The forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your parents or the scapegoat always being blamed

You had to parent your own parents, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were ill, all the time?

Everything was a competition between siblings, parents you always had to compete for attention.

Walking on eggshells around your parent for fear of reaction.

Rules you might have needed to follow to keep your parents happy.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means your reality was changed continuously on you, with gaslighting words of “It didn’t happen like that.” As the narcissistic parent wants to keep up the false image, and you shouldn’t question that image the whole “Do as I say and not as I do.”

That you had to keep the family image going to the outside world, you might have been told to lie about places you’ve been or things you have, told to speak positively about the family and you might have received threats such as “Stop that you’re embarrassing me.” Or “ Just you with until we get home.”

You might have never been allowed to make a mistake, and as people make mistakes when you did, you were told: “You’re such a disappointment.” Or you received those silent treatments, often the golden child, whereas the scapegoat would have received the blame for everything, ” You don’t get that from me.” Or “You’re so ungrateful.”

That you had to be perfect for what your parent’s idea of perfection was to be loved.

You had to act like an adult and take care of your parent’s emotional needs, “It’s not a big deal, grow up.” Or “You’re so selfish.” and things like “It hurts me more than it does you.” You might have done all the chores around the house, not chores to earn pockets money. You were just expected to do your parents roles or look after siblings.

Always getting those mixed messages, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” Or “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Narcissistic parents traits and the effects it can have on you.

Grandiosity, feeling like you can not do anything right, that you can not measure up no matter how hard you try, feeling like you’re not enough, feeling like a trophy and you can not measure up.

Preoccupied with themselves, feelings of having no value, developing a lack of self-worth.

Entitlement, feeling like your not important, and you’re only here to serve others exactly how they want. Feelings of embarrassment or shame when out with them and they’ve been rude to staff.

A belief they are special, a feeling like you have to please them to feel loved.

Arrogance, feelings of confusion, as they act like the perfect parent in front of others and the parent we would like, yet at home the sulk and ignore, only paying you attention if they want something from you.

Lack of empathy, bottling up emotions as you always felt misunderstood, or wrong for having what we’re normal emotions.

Envy, feeling embarrassed or ashamed if they spoke about your flaws, or if they spoke loudly about others flaws in front of you, feelings of not been enough when they would invalidate you.

Requires excessive attention, as your parent always needed the attention, either the vulnerable playing the victim, or grandiose been over the top, you might have felt like a shadow, and extension to them, only wanted when they needed you to help them, or they needed to use you to show off.

Exploitation, you might have always felt like you just were not treated right, perhaps not seeing why, but just seeing within the family dynamics that people were not treated as equals, they were treated unfairly and always to suit the parents need.

As you grow, you feel more valued for what you do for the parent rather than for who they are as an individual. You might throw yourself into achieving things, yet still not feel enough no matter how much you accomplish. You might try to seek approval from others.

Childhood trauma in adulthood can manifest as.

Whether the trauma is direct or witnessed childhood trauma can affect adulthood and manifest as.

Confusion, trying to forget the trauma completely, or trying to suppress emotions

Full of self-doubt, self-blame, people-pleasing, trying to help others, putting others needs before your own.

Not feeling enough, seeking external validation.

Accepting behaviour from others, you should have never accepted.

Having narcissistic partners.

Difficulty setting boundaries trying to keep others happy.

Living on high alert, fear of abandonment.

Often due to the stress of childhood trauma, can contribute to living with chronic illnesses.

Batting anxiety, depression, CPTSD.

You may feel criticised and judged, instead of accepted and loved.

You may not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.

Recovery.

Seeking the right support, one you feel happy and comfortable with, to work through past traumas. Working through any emotions.

Meditation and yoga are often found to be very helpful, as is exercise.

Trying those things you always wanted to as a child but never allowed, discovering you, your passions, your goals, your dreams.

Working through self-doubt, writing out how you talk to yourself, as it can often be how your parents spoke to you, picking up on that inner voice that doesn’t serve you and throwing out, creating a voice that lifts you up.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Limiting beliefs.

Don’t argue with a narcissist.

Self-doubt.

Self-esteem.

How Narcissists Control Through Fear.

How narcissists manipulate, so you fear them, and how to step over your fears.

A healthy fear of rational things is good to protect us, but use that fear to protect yourself the right way, never to keep you stuck in a place you shouldn’t be.

Fear is a powerful and natural human emotion, caused by the real or perceived threat of harm, danger, pain or threat.

Fear changes our behaviour such as taking flight, fleeing from the situation, or fawning, trying to please others to avoid confrontation, freeze, not moving forwards due to past events.

A narcissist gets you to fear them through many manipulative tactics, meaning you will conform to their demands out of fear. With subtle threats, that make you wonder if it’s a real threat? If they’re messing around? If they will act on this threat or leave it be? They do this on purpose, to confuse you, so you are worried about the threat. Still, at the same time, you don’t want to make a fuss, or you also fear if you speak out to the narcissist for fear of reactions, or speak out to other people, for fear they would not believe you, for fear they’d think you’re stupid, you might think you’re overreacting, as the narcissist will gaslight by downplaying their toxic behaviour and telling you, “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overeating.” or things like “You are imagining things.” Or they say things like ”What would your parents say, what would they think of you.” You become fearful of those around you finding out.

You are not overacting any threat should be taken seriously, and you do not imagine things if it happened it happened.

The types of intimidation they use so we fear them. 

1. Isolation, things like using triangulation, so they are cutting you off from friends and family, making sure you have no support, taking your phone off you. Destroying your personal property or hiding passports, giving you no access to finances, or when driving in a car, they could start an argument, start threatening. Hence, there is no way out for you making it all the scarier. Taking you to isolated places

2. Causing arguments or drama, accusing you of not caring about them, keeping you busy, so you’re tired and drained, often creating arguments before you go out, accusing you of things you’re not doing, or when you get home. Hence, you begin to dread going out for fear of those consequences when you return, even going out with friends can cause anxiety as they might not overtly argue, they might continuously message while your there, they might want you to put you location setting on, they’ll explain theses away with “It’s because I care, I need to know you’re safe and you’re ok.” Or something similar. Then if we don’t do it or respond to those messages, they can guilt-trip us once home, so we feel bad. The next time we go out, we feel uncomfortable having to message them. Slowly the discomfort of letting friends down, losing out hobbies becomes less comfortable than just no longer making plans and just staying in, without realising that comfort zone is what’s causing us so much pain, we fear going out, we fear staying in, we begin to shut down, and the narcissist furthers their control.

3. Standing over you, looking down at you, or getting in your face, breaking things, smashing televisions, punching walls and doors, raising their voice, to get you to fear them. Covert threats of. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Or ” How will you afford to live without me.” Or overt threats like ” I’ll make you pay.” Or the “I will.” Followed with some form of punishment. “Things like. “You’ll never see the children again.” Or ” You’ll have nothing without me.” ”Who would believe you?” To stop you from doing something or leaving. Threatening to harm family members, pets so you fawn and give in to their demands for fear of what could happen to loved ones, the threat of not being able to find work when it comes to bosses with things like ”I’ll make sure no one employs you.” Pity plays of “I’ve got nothing without you.” So you go and help your parents out, don’t leave your partner. Again people not on the disorder can say these things. Usually, because they are, trauma bonded or genuinely believe they would have nothing without the narcissist. A narcissist says it to guilt-trip those around them into doing what the narcissist wants.

4. Restraining you, hiding keys. blocking doorways, locking doors, throwing your phone out of the window, taking your car, physically holding you back, often claiming “It’s in your best interest.” Anything to cause you to feel trapped with no escape, threats of “I’ll tell everyone you’ve done this.” Often using your biggest secrets against you, so you conform to the narcissist’s demands for fear of others knowing things you don’t want them to, causing you to feel trapped with no choice but to do as the narcissist says.

5. Aggression. There are many types of aggression they may use. Spitting, slapping, pushing past you, shoving, playfully sitting on you yet you’ve requested them to stop as they are hurting you, so they do it all the more, saying “You’re boring.” Or “It’s only a game.” Only it’s not a game to them, and it’s causing you pain, it is them trying to let you know they are strong, so you fear them. Things like making you feel guilty over saying no to sex and trying to guilt-trip you, or they may sulk to break down your boundaries and get you to change your mind. Tickling you but to the point it causes pain, and you know they are not playing. Hitting you with something, throwing things at you, hair pulling. Strangling, kicking, biting, burning, force-feeding or denying you the right to eat, shaking you, pinching you, punching you and many more. They will always find a way to justify their behaviour. It’ll not be a case of a person pushed to their limits, who understands this is not an excuse to hurt another, knows the error of their ways feels guilty and will never do it again, or a person throwing things to defend themselves (reactive abuse.) The Narcissist will find a way to twist all the blame onto you and see no fault in their own behaviour.

6. As those close to the narcissist become used to the behaviour and gain a level of tolerance to the abuse, the narcissist can recognise that if you haven’t fawned to their demands (fawn meaning complying to what they ask of you, walking on eggshells around them to protect yourself from further harm.), some will escalate their intimidation to verbal threats of killing you or your loved ones, physical violence becoming more regular often with the “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And “who would believe you, you’re crazy. ”

Threats should always be taken seriously, always call the police and still find a safe way out.

Living under constant fear with a narcissist no matter what the extent, no matter who it was, parents, siblings, friends, bosses, partner, can have many lasting effects if we don’t handle our fears, from the fear of what they may do, the fear to be ourselves due to the constant criticism and put-downs, the fear of speaking to others for fear of reaction as our subconscious has been trained, we can become scared of talking to others, or when we try those words just don’t come out, fear applying for that job, painting that picture, taking that course because we’ve been intimidated and invalidated. Then when we try, and we make a mistake as everyone makes mistakes, those doubts arise. We can quit before we indeed got started. Good things take time. Great things take patience.

Losing your fear, after coming out of a narcissistic relationship, where you lived day to day on edge in anxiety mode and living in fear of what will happen next?

If you’re still in a relationship where you live in real fear of what will happen next, that is who they are. The fear you need to lose is the fear of leaving, think about what you want from life, think about your happiness, if your day brings drama and negativity from those around you, safely move away from those around you, it’s hard enough losing our own fears, without having others place fear into us.

Once out, you may have carried that fear from your past with you, living in fear, hurts our state of mind as we are not living in the present day of the hear and now, we are fearing events that have happened in the past or haven’t even happened. After a narcissistic relationship, this is normal, yet not helpful in our present or future.

Bringing yourself back into reality, never fearing the unknown. It’s ok to be prepared for events, but don’t dream them up to actually happen. Instead, manifest thoughts of great things that are going to happen, to make your reality a good one.

Similar to anxiety, when in fear, we can begin to hyperventilate, fear is our emotional response to fear, anxiety is our fight or flight reaction to our emotions of fear. Box breathing can help reduce stress, close your eyes, breath in slowly counting to four, taking the air into you lungs, calmly hold the breath in while counting to four, slowly exhale the whole breath while counting to four, and keep going three of four times and you’re starting to feel calmer.

Whatever is not happening right now, is in your mind. Your mind is your imagination, your past memories are memories of your past, yet as they are in your past, if they are not happening in the present, they are our imagination of our past, some of those memories are very real as they happened. However, we have to learn not to allow the pain of our history continues to cause us pain in our present as it’ll then cause us pain in our future.

Bringing our focus on the present and not on the bad things that happened in our past, or that could happen.

We have to learn to let go for our happiness. It never means someone’s mistreatment of us was ok. It means we no longer allow their mistreatment to impact our life.

Imagination is a powerful thing when used correctly, but you need to imagine great things.

Use any fear of the unknown to your advantage, use that fear to motivate yourself, fear is a product of your emotional mind, do not let it control you, learn to control your fear the right way, do not allow others to control you through fear, instead move away from those, people, take steps to protect yourself and enjoy your new life.

Fearing things that don’t exist in the present doesn’t benefit you.

Fearing change, you need to embrace that fear, you need to decide to make a choice of how you want to live, who you want to be, and how you are going to do it.

Though fear We can stay stuck in a place we were never meant to be, and staying stuck is a very uncomfortable place to be, facing fear to step out of your comfort zone, that’s not all that comfortable right now, to step into a new zone, where you can find your happiness.

On the other side of your fear, can come the most amazing and incredible things you’ll ever experience.

How to overcome anything in life you have to take the first step, then the next and the next, until before you know it, you’ve overcome it. Don’t look at the whole staircases; just take it one step at a time.

If your thinking “I can not.” Stop and look for something you thought you couldn’t in the past, yet you did it. Then tell yourself. “I can.”

Living in a relationship with real fear is not healthy, so if you’re still in it, embrace the fear of the unknown, find a safe route out. It will take steps, it will take work, but you will bring better things into your life, being free from the narcissist, will one day be the most amazing and incredible feeling, even if you don’t see it to start, being able to be yourself again and fill your life with happiness again.

Don’t allow fear to hold you back in places causing that fear, use it to move out of those places, all you need to do is take the step, into a new direction, baby steps one day, leaps the next, back to baby steps. Sometimes stepping sideways or taking one backwards, but get up and go again, keep taking those steps until you make it and once you do, keep taking those steps.

We all make mistakes, we all fall down, the beauty is to learn, to get back up and to go again and again until you make your dreams a reality. What if? Is no excuse, what if? Means you stopped yourself. What if? Is holding you back. Take precautions, get out safely, keep yourself safe, but never let those what-if moments stop you. It takes time it doesn’t matter if you stumble on your way out, or you’ve tried to leave a few times but failed, failure is better than nothing, just go again, until you understand it’s time to get out and start living for you.

Behind every fear is either a person you don’t want to be around. Or a person you now want to become.

That person who causes you fear, move away from safely.

That fear of leaving is preventing you from becoming who you indeed are.

When you fall down, you stand back up, when you release yourself from fear, you rise again.

Abuse is abuse, don’t make excuses, don’t rationalise, don’t accept being disrespected, no longer accept less than you deserve, and you do deserve better, no one is entitled to abuse you.

The first step is to take action, and you may need to plan a safe route out.

Once you are out, be cautious and be prepared, other than that, don’t let your fears hold you back, you’ve made the biggest step, now keep going, onwards and upwards.

When our minds wander to the past, we can stay stuck in the past, stop yourself and imagine your future as you want it to be for you, then take those steps to achieve, if we put our minds to it, then our actions to it, we can all achieve the life and the happiness we want, for ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong when you are out and trauma bonded feeling like you want them back, to face the fear to remember those hurtful times, to grieve and to cry, and to remember why you shouldn’t go back, once you’ve remembered why you need to stay away, remover the thought and focus on the present day.

The fear of telling those around you, if you want people to know, tell them, yet only tell them once, you’ll learn who’s willing to listen, help and be there for you, and who’s simply not listening to you, some people just do not care, others are too busy living life, and some are grateful it wasn’t them. You don’t need to explain yourself to all who will listen, all you need to do is be you if you want to tell your story to everyone, tell it, just don’t expect everyone to listen or indeed understand, it’s hard enough for those who’ve lived it to understand it. If you don’t want to talk don’t, just never let the pain of your past, keep you trapped in the past, don’t let the fear of judgment or the fear of being misunderstood stop you, know yourself that well, that others can never use you against you. If you want to tell just a couple of people to tell them, not everyone needs to know your business, unless you want them to, how you live is by what feels right for you.

Today and for the next five days, write out what you want out of life to be, like you’ve already got it, feel and imagine like you are already there, after the first day you write it, take a look at how you wrote it, any negative change, to things like, ”I am grateful.” ”I am happy.” ”I deserve.” ”I am elated.”

Don’t be afraid of asking for too much from your life, with a good heart you deserve the best.

Create a vision board of the things you’d like from your life, put it as a screen saver, or inside your wardrobe, somewhere you will look every day, so when days get hard, it reminds you what you are working towards. Acknowledge any achievement you make along the way.

Use your imagination to work for you, you can, and you will.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Self doubt.

Lies Narcissist Tell About Those Around Them.

Narcissist are very good at distracting us from the truth or lying about the truth to not only cover up for what they did, but also to gain sympathy from those around them, and they tell their stories with less confusion than those just coming away from a toxic relationship, as those walking away are left confused, often blaming themselves, full of self-doubts and trying to work out what’s been happening, however a narcissist knows in one aspect precisely what they are doing, exploiting people to meet a need of their own, sometimes what they are telling us just doesn’t seem right, yet we want to believe them, and the reason it doesn’t seem right is because they miss out the truth, they twist the story to meet their own need, and sometimes when we listen carefully we can hear those holes in their stories, but when they are telling us the ex is ”bitter and jealous and will not allow me to see my children.” and that ex has sent them some toxic messages which the narcissist has shown us, they just don’t show the part where they exploited the exes weaknesses to provoke anger and gain that reaction, as they don’t see their children, yet they miss out the part where they were having a negative impact on the children’s mental health, of where they let they children down and don’t bother with them, we don’t see the whole story only the part the narcissist wants us to see, we only hear their twisted tales of what they want us to believe.

So here are some common lies survivors of narcissist abuse have heard from the narcissist which can be part of their manipulative triangulation game, where the narcissist can play one person of against another to gain sympathy, to make you feel sorry them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone who you believe has hurt the narcissist. Or to divide and conquer.

No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation.

“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.” True the possibly don’t if they didn’t know about NPD the husband or wife will most likely be trying, while the narcissist is to busy trying it on with someone new.

“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.” could be real, they could be too exhausted from all the abuse, or the narcissist could no longer be interested but blaming the other half, or they could have a good sex life, but they don’t want you to know that, they want you to feel sorry for them.

“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.” Projection as very often they’re cheating on that person with the very person they’re lying to, to make it seem acceptable that they’re with you when they have a partner, to make you feel sorry for them, who they’re with is most likely faithful, yet the narcissist will have told that person they’re jealous, to distract from what the narcissist is really doing.

“My ex is crazy.” The ex is just recovering from the very person who tried to send them that way and will do their best to send you that way, Some of the exes usually, do look and act crazy, if you’ve got out of a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll now know exactly why, and what the narcissist did to them to drive them to think and feel this way, when the exes come wanting to warn you, or wanting closure, as the narcissist has got their twisted truth in first you believe the ex is crazy, or jealous.

“My ex abused me.” often the narcissist abused them, they might have provoked some reactive abuse. Still, again they’ll miss out the part they played, the one who’s been abused would often tell both sides of the story, including the things the narcissist gaslighted then into believing was their fault.

“My ex is stalking me.” if the ex is chasing for answers, closure, divorce, child support, it could seem that way. Often the narcissist is Stalking the ex, to provoke those responses that they can then use to twist the story and manipulate.

“My children have no respect for me.” young children might have just not conformed mainly the scapegoat, older children might be recovering from childhood emotional abuse.

“My ex has turned the children against me.” the ex is most likely protecting the children or something like, “The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter, now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”

“My parents don’t understand me.” or the parents have has enough of being exploited.

“My parents always prefers my sibling.” The narcissist envy, no matter what the parents did for the narcissist, it wouldn’t be enough.

“My parents did nothing for me I was a mistake.” to gain attention an sympathy, as they believe they are special, they expect special attention from their parents, and when the parents don’t do as the narcissist says they sulk.

“My boss is horrible, ” or the boss will not do as the narcissist wants, the narcissist isn’t willing to put the work in.

“The Person I’m training up at work is useless, ” The narcissist feels above having to help others, others should just know.

“My neighbours have no respect.” The narcissist has no respect for their neighbours, but they have to twist the story to escape accountability.

“My friends always wants me to help them out.” usually because they want to get out of doing anything for their friends, or they can use as a decoy while they meet up with someone they don’t want you to know about.

“My children never ring to see how I am, ” They never call their children, if they do it’s usually past their bedtime or to inconvenience everyone as they feel entitled to do as they please and envious of those living life. Hence, they seek to disrupt any way they can.

“They don’t like me.” To get you to feel sorry for them.

“They are envious of me.” Usually, because the narcissist is envious of the very person, they’re claiming to be envious of them

“They talk about you behind your back.” To get you to lose your faith and trust in those you’re close to so they can isolate you from support.

Or they’ll use things like

“I don’t trust that friend of yours. They just use you.”

“Your parents interfere too much in our lives, we should move.”

“That friend of yours just gossips.”

All to divide and conquer, coercive control, so they plant the seeds of doubt within your mind, then they water them, so your the one who cuts people of thinking the narcissist is protecting you when they are sinking you.

“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back. Don’t talk to them; they are extremely dishonest.” The narcissist often did this to that person but didn’t want you to know the truth, so they’re triangulating so you don’t talk to them and discover the truth.

“I was set up.”

It’s to make them look like they are a right honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions

They use the ex-partners for triangulation, the narcissist tells countless lies about the ex to you.

The ones where they tell you the truth about what happened with the ex, they just reverse the roles and explain what’s about to happen in your future to you—all without you even knowing.

The one where they say the ex trapped them. As the narcissist drip-feeds you lies of their past, with how well they are treating you during idealisation you believe a narcissist is a genuine person, they will say the ex trapped them, either how the narcissist’s ex just moved in with them and never left, or how the narcissists’ ex made them move in with them within not long of meeting, or the female narcissist will tell you the male ex got them pregnant, the ex messed with their birth control, or the male narcissist will say the female ex became pregnant really fast, to trap them.

The one where they say. Their ex’s behaviour changed toward them. They will also say, ” there ’s nothing wrong with moving fast when you’ve met the one when you’ve found your soulmate.” because of course, nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live, even though they claim this is what the ex did to them.

They will tell you the ex-abused them, how the narcissist gave it their all and got nothing in return, how the ex is obsessed with them, smearing the ex to you, also protecting themselves if the ex tries to warn you, as the narcissist got in their first, when you’re in the love-bombing stage you believe the narcissist to be genuine, so you feel sorry for the narcissist.

There’s the one when you’ve been together a while, where they tell you. They should have stayed with the ex, as the ex treated them far better than you do, the ex would have never treated them how you do, it’s all your fault, you charmed them away from the love of their lives, you trapped them. The ex, cooked better, parented better, looked better, they will tell you that they want to go back to the ex unless you try harder to be more like them, so you walk on eggshells, so you break down your boundaries and do things you wouldn’t normally do if the ex did this. They still left the ex, doesn’t matter if you do it, they’ll still leave you.

That they still love the ex, that they’ve released what a massive mistake they’ve made, you’ve made them realise what true love is, and they want to leave you and be with the one they truly love.

The ex loves and misses them, and the ex keeps trying to get back together with them, they’ll tell you not to worry, and they will handle it because they want to be with you as you treat them so well. This is to get you to up your game and give in to their demands.

Most of us go back a few times, and they might even have one that they always go back to, and always takes them back, listen carefully to the story’s they tell, watch for patterns in past behaviour and relationships.

Work on you, who you want to be, create new routines, new dreams and take those baby steps for a happier, healthier, more positive life.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Why do they hurt people?

The Narcissist’s Love Bombing.

How narcissists love bombing affects our beliefs.

Narcissists often manipulatively take control over our minds through the love bombing stage of the relationship, the narcissists love bombing, is to manipulatively influence us into believing something that isn’t true by playing on our beliefs, our hopes our dreams and our emotions.

Through the narcissists gaslighting our beliefs get contradicted, even their silence can get us to question ourselves. Our realities get mixed up from what we believe happened to what they lead us to believe happened, our hopes get raised to get dashed, we believe in their false promises and false apologies, as at that point we have no reason not to, or they gaslight the reason away, this can all keep us trapped in a place we shouldn’t be as these can cause cognitive dissonance within our minds.

Beliefs are thoughts in our minds that influence our own attitudes, actions and behaviours. The power of choosing what we do and do not want to believe, beliefs are often only thoughts and not real, and once we have more understanding on these, we then have the power to change them to work for us. If you grew up with two parents remaining together, so you believed that how it’s done, or your parents were separated, so you wanted to believe you could make it different for your children. There are religious or various other beliefs that come in, whatever those beliefs are to you, your beliefs in relationships might be you that you stick together no matter what happens, that relationships are hard. You have to work at them, which yes relationships can go through rough patches, and people who can Communicate and compromise can work things out together, you can make it through together. When you’re with a toxic person, you need to change those beliefs and realise you don’t have to stay, you shouldn’t be treated that way, and you deserve better. Core Beliefs are formed in early childhood. These are beliefs that we hold to be absolute truths, about ourselves, about others and the world we live in, as these are our truths they are hard but not impossible to change, these are also the beliefs we will defend most passionately, beliefs are formed within our minds, through our own personal experience or what others tell us to be true, why even if you have the same beliefs as another the interpretation of those varies from person to person.

Values, ethical values in healthy relationships, so most people’s are honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding and self-discipline.

Narcissists often look for those beliefs and values in people either on a conscious or subconscious level and at the start, they Mirror those back to you. That is not who they indeed are, they are showing you, yourself, they are showing you who you want them to be, so you believe in them, they are showing you your beliefs in how you’d like the relationship to be, then when their Envious face comes out, and they show themselves for who they are. It causes massive conflict within your beliefs, as it’s confusing to your beliefs and your thoughts, with their gaslighting, you begin to doubt your own judgment and thinking abilities.

When you meet them, you will most often be on the receiving end of the narcissist’s Idealisation stage. That love bombing which is when they manipulative influence you into believing something that isn’t true.

They Lavish you with gifts.

Love bombing is to draw you into their charming ways, by them buying you lots of gifts, over the top or expensive gifts, even buying you clothing to change how you dress without you even realising because you become obligated to be grateful, you wear those clothes and begin to fear hurting their feelings, or saying no as you don’t want to offend them, gifts can seem harmless enough as it’s one of the love languages, and some people do like to shower others with gifts, simply because they can. It makes them feel good, yet for a narcissist buying gifts is to manipulatively exploit you into believing in someone whose true intention is to exploit you not love and care for you. If something feels off speak up in the beginning, your feelings are trying to guide you, listen to your feelings and not their response, if their response makes you feel unease or question more, it’s ok to part ways in those early days.

Flattery.

Compliment. A polite expression of praise or admiration.

Flattery. Giving excessive or insincere praise to meet one’s own purpose.

Words of affirmation is another love language, so when they are genuine compliments all is well; however, a narcissist wants you to believe they are genuinely complimenting you when they are flattering you to get their needs met.

A narcissist will flatter you, pay close attention, they don’t give you genuine compliments, they use flattery. They use this tactic to find out your needs, wants and desires, what feels like those sincere heart to hearts, in the beginning, they are just gathering all information about you, first to mirror you, to hook you in, then to use your insecurities to exploit you. They will flatter you, give you constant attention, plan a Fake future with you, and they will love everything you do, and hate everything you hate. This is to get you to feel obligated to compliment them in return, as you offer genuine compliments, you find and focus on those things you love about them, which distracts you from those things about them that make you feel out of balance. Once you are hooked on their constant attention, they’ll take it away, to make you work harder to get it again. To make you work harder to please them and get back that person you first met. They will get you to tell them all your secrets and insecurities, so they can further manipulate by one day using those very secrets against you, any way they can. They will learn all your strengths, so they can use them against you to make you doubt your own capabilities. We all make mistakes in life. It’s all a part of the learning process. A narcissist will pick out any mistake real of not in the things you are great at to bring you down, to make you question yourself.

Being your hero.

Any personal problems or outside situations you are having, in the beginning, they will be there to help any way they can, they want you to think you’ve met the kindest person ever and admire them. Most will even drop hints subtle or obvious of just how amazing they are for you.

Doing favours for you.

Acts of service is another one of the five love languages; it usually had that give and take, a narcissist, however, will only give in the beginning to hook you into believing they love you so that they can take further down the line.

When someone does favours for you, your perceptions of that person are good, and your feelings are extremely positive towards them. You will receive overwhelming adoration and attention from them, manipulating you to spend more and more time with them. And why wouldn’t you? You feel a great connection, truly understood and very loved.

Quick involvement.

Physical touch is another love language, and narcissist can push intimacy along, to test your boundaries.

They often want to move things along very swiftly, creating all those future dreams to give you the false hope of something that was never meant to be. They gain your love and trust with flattery, attention, commitment, The Narcissists Future Faking. Of things like marriage, whatever your dreams are, they’ll promise them to you, the riddle of what can be broken without being touched? A promise. A narcissist can break you seemingly without doing anything to you. They’ll try to move the relationship on very quickly, things like “If I moved in, we’d see each other more and I could really help you around the home, share bills.” Or. “If you move in with me, you can stop working, and I’ll take care off all the bills.”

Wanting to spend all their time with you.

Quality time is one of the five love languages. The narcissist doesn’t use this to spend time with you. They use this to pull you into believing they want to be with you, to distract you from isolation so they can further exploit you.

They lavish you with attention as they want the attention in return, through their flattery and at times they can be your hero, so you feel obligated to spend time with them when you have plans. They try to arrange something wherein a healthy relationship. You could explain this. The other person might be disappointed they understand, a narcissist will often sulk, or try to guilt-trip you, into cancelling your plans and doing what they want, you might feel bad for cancelling on friends or family, yet as they are more understanding, you find this easier, which is the start of the narcissist’s isolation of you, who will claim they don’t care about you as the narcissist claims to care about you.

You can be overwhelmed by their need to spend all their time with you, or bombarding you with messages and calls.

They can plaster your social media with decelerations of love, message as soon as they wake up, leave for work, on their breaks, calling you to find out all about you, this flattery can make you feel flattered and seem like they genuinely care, it can also make you feel somewhat uneasy.

This is all manipulation to confuse your mind, which causes cognitive dissonance and then induced Compliance. Cognitive dissonance is a state of mind, when your own thoughts are conflicted, where there is conflicting, beliefs, realities or thoughts. Narcissists help you at the start to gain admiration from you, and they will then at some point, use this against you to break down your boundaries. Gaslighting with words such as.” After all, I did for you.” Or words to that effect. With most narcissistic people once you are hooked, they’ll actually no longer be doing anything for you, yet they’ll constantly remind you of things they have in the past.

You’re used to spending so much time around them, often dropping your hobbies as they so desperately wanted to be with you. They make you feel so good about yourself in the beginning, then they’ll just disappear on you, again manipulation of your mind, as you lived that life, that reality when they wanted to spend so much time with you. Then you are left believing it’s your fault. They’ll start putting you down, Invalidating you to manipulate your self-worth further and gain more control over your mind. All those first promises they suddenly change to, they’re not ready for marriage, they never said that, or you took it out of context. This is all a form of Gaslighting, which is an insidious form of mental abuse to get you to doubt your own reality.

To start, they did match all your beliefs and values, you lived the fairytale, and your mind believes it as it’s seen at that moment that exact reality. Then when they change into someone, you don’t recognise, and they cause you pain and hurt you. You might have had enough and try to end it, and they’ll bring back all the charm they had in the beginning, causing cognitive dissonance. When they say things to you like. “Why do you have to make life so hard.” Or “if only you’d have done this.” Then threaten or Intimidate you, even Sulking or giving you the Silent Treatment, so you try really hard, begging with them, pleading with them, doing all you can to make it up to them. They give you the reinforcement of playing nice all the charm they had in the beginning. Your mind is getting trained by them to believe it’s all your doing for any problems or conflict within the relationship, that in actual fact there is nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with you, so you change your behaviour time and time again, Walking On Eggshells trying to please them, so they don’t throw massive tantrums which cause you pain. When your mind perceives something like pleasure, a good emotion, when you’ve been trained how to act and when you act precisely how they want they will reward you, causing induced Compliance in your mind. When you don’t do exactly as they please they punish you, through many manipulation tactics, causing induced Compliance as those punishments cause you great pain, so you do all you can to avoid that pain.

The ups and downs release cortisol from the stress and dopamine from the highs, these are highly addictive natural chemicals the body releases, and you do become addicted, once addicted it becomes increasingly harder to walk free. You will have, or you will reach that point where you break free, learn about what’s happened to you and never go back.

Cognitive dissonance within your mind has variables.

Belief disinformation.

When your beliefs are being contradicted, as the narcissist leads you to believe one story, then delivers another that contradicts the first belief, with intermittent reinforcement of the first story, causing psychological, mental stress within your mind, that stress releases cortisol which is addictive in itself. Yet to reduce the mental stress of the reality that’s so painful your mind chooses to believe the less mentally stress full idea to relieve yourself of the painful thoughts leading you to downplay the abusive behaviour from the narcissist, which of course is helped by the narcissists carefully chosen Blame Shifting words of ”it wasn’t that bad, it was your fault, that never happened, it didn’t happen that way, you made me do it.” and the rest. As you seek moral support from the very person you don’t see is persuading you that your reality isn’t real, you don’t change your beliefs to the truth of the situation. Your mind unwittingly sticks to your original belief. Which gives you the brain fog, when you can see something yet you can not believe it to be true or really see it, and they further their control through fear, obligation and guilt.

Induced compliance of forced compliance.

After a narcissist, preforms dissonant behaviour towards you, ( lying ) they find ways through manipulative words to get you to agree to their way of thinking, their reality and their truths, even though these are not factual, as the narcissist doesn’t want to accept responsibility for their own behaviour and is never accountable. They gaslight you psychological through words, actions and sometimes moving items for their own self-justification. So even when you know, they said or did something they will Twist it all around, leaving you getting more and more confused. They will tell you or show an example of when they treated you right. They will intimidate you. Threaten you, and they will use many manipulation tactics, so you are forced to comply with their ways of thinking, as your mind believes this will cause you less pain. Either from past hurtful actions of their behaviour towards you. Fear of reactions. Leading you to walk on eggshells around them, forcing you to behave how they want. All while you don’t see what’s truly happening to you.

Forbidden behaviour. 

The severity of the threat on the Devaluation of the forbidden behaviour. With some narcissistic people, this can be down to when and where you sleep, who you go out with, where you go, if you work, what you wear, how long or the colour of your hair, when you have sex together when you answer your phone, so when you’ve been programmed to know you’ll get punishment from the sulks, the silent treatment, arguments, never-ending questions, threats, and all the other manipulation tactics they use to cause you mental pain and negative emotions. They get you to unwittingly conform their way of living and their way of acting, behaving and thinking, it stops you from being true to who you indeed are and what you genuinely want to do for fear of the consequences to your actions of living a free life and how you should be able to live.

Free choice.

Changes in the desirability of your freedom of choice, this part is what makes it so difficult for people to walk free form narcissistic relationships. The free choice aspect of cognitive dissonance occurs when you are faced with a difficult decision when they always appear to be an aspect of rejection or discomfort to what you choose, so you might want to go out for you, yet you know the narcissist will make it difficult. They’ll cause arguments and upset, yet if you don’t go out you’ll feel anger and frustration that you didn’t get to do what you’d like, yet know you’ll not get negative reactions from the narcissist. When you decide enough is enough, and you want out, yet if you stay, you believe you can help them and hope to get the good times back. However, you fear them and their negative behaviour towards you if you leave it’ll also cause pain, the fear of the breakdown of the relationship, pride and ego damaged as your own beliefs that you could make it work didn’t happen, feeling guilty for leaving them, or in fear of what they might do from threats of. “you’ll pay if you leave.” or “I’ll make you wish.” Then if the narcissist was the one to leave you, you’ve got the thoughts of freedom yet those thoughts of no one else will love me, I’ll be alone, again mostly from the toxic words the narcissist drilled into your mind. So you think you want them back to help comfort you from all this pain, most often they are with someone new, again this causes your thoughts to go into, what was wrong with me? What’s so special about the new? Social norms and judgment from others also play a part, worrying what others will think of you. When you don’t open up with the right people, you’re left with so many negative thoughts, the difficult choice between getting help and support and the effects it might have, or isolating yourself from the world.

These thoughts can be resolved by changing the challenged beliefs; getting out of the situation and away from the narcissist is an extremely difficult thing to do. Yet, the longer you are away from them, the clearer you own mind becomes, psychological dissonance slowly fades. Psychological consonance is restored, especially when you seek out moral support from those who’ve lived the same and at one point shared those same contradicted beliefs, your reality becomes restored. Your future becomes so much clearer and brighter.

Music can also help classical music can be the best. Any music you personally enjoy will also help.

When you make a choice for no contact, or limited contact if you can not go no contact due to having children together, the more you are away from them, the more your mind can start to think clearly, the trance they put you under slowly fades, the fog lifts. You can start to think and act for yourself again and do what’s right for you and what makes you happy, they more you connect with those that have lived it and understand it the more you can put reality back into your own mind, the more you learn about narcissistic behaviour and the effects it has on you the less you’ll ask, why are they doing this to me? Especially with Smear Campaigns and endless games of those narcissistic people, you just can not seem to shake off. The more you’ll see their pattern in behaviour, what they are doing, the more you’ll be able to laugh at how unbelievable yet believable their behaviour and true nature is, the less it’ll impact on your life and your emotions. The more you will come to realise you never even knew them to let alone loved them, it was all an Illusion, of mind trickery, and you can get control back of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings to reach the place of I’m in control of my own happiness and my own life now. You can, and you will.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Why narcissists always believe they are right.

Why narcissists are so selfish.