Seven Tactics of A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Flattery.

Compliment. A polite expression of praise, or admiration.

Flattery. Giving excessive or insincere praise to meet one’s own purpose.

A narcissist will flatter you, pay close attention, they don’t give you genuine compliments, they use flattery. they use this tactic during the idolisation stages, they find out your needs, wants and desires, either from checking your social media, talking to others to find information about you and what feels like deep those heart to hearts, in the beginning, they are just gathering all information about you, first to hook you in, then to use your insecurities to exploit you. They will flatter you, give you constant attention, plan a fake future with you, and they will love everything you do, and hate everything you hate. Once you are hooked on the constant attention, they’ll take it away, to make you work harder to get it again. They will get you to tell them all your secrets and insecurities, so they can further manipulate by one day using those very secrets against you, any way they can. They will learn all your strengths, so they can use them against you to make you doubt your own capabilities. We all make mistakes in life, it’s all a part of the learning process, a narcissist will pick out any mistake real of not in the things you are great at to bring you down and question yourself.

They fish for compliments, and they need to boost their self-esteem to help them keep their inflated ego going. They will fish for compliments from, family, friends, coworkers, children, anybody they can, social media, to keep their false selves and ego going. It’s more evident with an overt narcissist, but a covert does it too.

Set the stage.

They will set the environment. They will provoke you to get reactions, so they can blame you, play victim or use their silent treatment to get you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do, gaslighting you, so you are no longer sure of reality, often leaning on them for a reality check. They will create a topic or an atmosphere, to provoke other emotional responses, they will triangulate you, play you off against those around you, to break down your boundaries or make you feel guilt. They always have a hidden agenda.

Sometimes in these situations, you have to keep diary’s so, you can go back to check events, ask yourself, are they my feelings, or are they passing theirs onto me?

Triangulation.

They will gossip about everybody, often trying to get others to gossip with them, so they can go to the other and let them know all that you said about them, triangulation is a way to divide and conquer people, so others only trust in them and distance themselves from friends that may not have said anything in the first place, or reacted to what the narcissist told them you’d said, even though the narcissist was the one who said it. They also want to gain as much information about others, to one day use against them. They will twist the story, so the gossip was all you, even if they were the one doing the taking. As well as triangulation, they will also use jealousy, and narcissists are extremely envious and jealous people. So they may go all out complimenting others in front of you. Especially about things you feel insecure about within yourself. If you question them, you’ll get the gaslighting phrases of. “You’re too sensitive.” Or “you’re overacting.” They will undermine you in front of others, and they have probably already smeared you to others.

Use your empathy against you.

They will bargain with you and pity play to get you to do things you don’t want to or to make you feel guilty. They may compare you with someone else who has done something to try and break down your boundaries or say things like. “If you loved me, you would.” Or “Remember when I did this for you.” Or “You owe me because of that thing I did just for you.” This is all guilt-tripping you and projecting to either make you not feel as good as others, so you conform to their demands, or make you feel like you owe them.

They will guilt trip you in passive-aggressive ways, to get you to break down your boundaries. By the blame-shifting, gaslighting and projecting, creating arguments about what you should have done, or could have done better for the narcissist, then blaming it all on you.

They will either talk you out of doing something or talk you into doing something, and they will make out they know you better than you know yourself, and explain through manipulation why you should or should not do something like. “You’d never do that.” Or the bargaining method of “If you loved me, you would.”

Playing the victim.

They will play the victim, the covert narcissist more than the overt, but depending on the situation and what they can gain from someone attention wise by playing the victim card, most narcissists will use this tactic at some point. This gets you sympathy and empathy as you can put yourself in other’s shoes, so you want to reach out and protect and help them, any way you can, which will lead you to lose who you indeed are over time. They will then play victim to others, for how crazy you are and how they’re doing all they can to help you.

False promises.

They will promise you things and then not deliver, to try and get reactions out of you, for which they can then blame your reactions for why they didn’t do it.

When using false promises, they will also use it to manipulate you more through gaslighting and leave you even more confused about reality with the. “I never said I’d do that you must be imagining things.” Or the. “I did it last month for you, do you not remember?” Of course, you don’t as they never did, slowly but surely leaving you doubting yourself more and more.

Suck you back in.

The hoover, when they try to suck you back in, stalking you, reaching out to friends and family, missed calls, messages, the false apology. All because the new person isn’t working out as well as they first hopped, don’t get your hopes up, they will try to discard the new, by leaving the door open so that they can triangulate you both, so you both work harder, to win the narcissists affection.

My best advice when they try this. Let them go, they are not worthy of you, they are not good enough for you, you can do so much better, lose your pride and your ego to save yourself, and pity the fool that ends up with a manipulative twit that’s just using them, like they used you. Also keep true to yourself if that person one day needs help to recover, remember just how horrendous the relationship was, and that they just got sucked into a twisted relationship of lies, drama and manipulation, be kind to others who don’t know any better and help them recover, if they ever ask you, even if you just point them in the direction of support groups, as you will get to a happier place, and you will be a better person for it. You’ll no longer hold any resentment, and you’ll not wish that ex on your worst enemy, who also happens to be that ex.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Seven Ways A Narcissist Will Negatively Impact Your Life.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Be it the malignant, classic, covert, overt, somatic, cereal, vulnerable. Narcissistic abuse is a hiddious form of mental, often hidden abuse, so people don’t even know what’s happening to them, and with some, there is not only psychological violence, also physical abuse. Without us even knowing it, we become trapped living spiritual warfare. Death by psychological abuse. Any scars we carry they will rip wide open, any goals or dreams we have they will crush. They often begin as your hero, and your dreams come true, to end up becoming your biggest enemy and worst nightmare.

Everything they do is to meet the needs of their own, and they are a leech, a parasite, a virus that infects your whole life. To me, most live by the seven deadly sins.

  1. Pride, excessive belief in themselves.
  2. Envy, and jealousy of all others.
  3. Gluttony, to have more than they need.
  4. Lust, always craving for more.
  5. Anger, they can not accept love and always resort to anger in the end.
  6. Greed, material possessions most often other peoples, not always.
  7. Sloth, most are rather lazy and do the bare minimum to meet their never-ending wants and needs.

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.

2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.

3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.

4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.

5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.

6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.

7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.

8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.

The most significant things to look out for is a lack of genuine empathy, exploit others, and entitlement,

As they manipulate others from their love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the hoover, with pity plays, silent treatments, gaslighting, projection, threats, making us feel insecure and crazy. It takes time for good-hearted people, who care and are kind to others to see what’s genuinely happening due to the narcissists cruel and sometimes calculated games, by then we have to recover from not only the reality of the abuse that genuinely happened, also trauma bonding, anxiety, CPTSD, financial ruin and mental/ physical illnesses.

Seven ways they negatively infect our lives.

  • They invade all your relationship, they not only swoop in and sweep you off your feet, but they also do the same with all you’re friends and family, they are happy to go out with friends and family events at the start of the relationship, then slowly any outings or special occasions are ruined. Often leaving you in depths of despair And looking unhinged. They pick your friends and family off one by one, isolating you from support, and with some, they will shift your friends and family loyalty away from you, and onto them, they are a virus that infects your relationship with others, through triangulate, making you look crazy, or merely getting you to walk on eggshells conform to their demands and fear going out.
  • They invade your social media and inboxes, In the beginning, it’s full of loving sentimental messages, on our social media or personal messages, they slowly creep in the devaluation, usually social media to further their games, then they might gradually stop leaving those sentimental remarks, and then out of nowhere where comes that complete silence, then out of the blue they are back, playing nice, posting again, while blaming you for being insecure if you ask them, while you can not catch your own thoughts, often taking on theirs and believing somehow you are at fault, trying hard to make it up to them, they will then play nice again, love bomb you again, so with their negative, hurtful words, then re idolisation, we end up genuinely believing it was our fault. Then come the threats, the criticism, the put-downs, as they cycle around their social media games, all to keep us more confused.
  • They take any and all your resources, some without a care, with pity plays, threats, blame-shifting, making you feel guilty, or sinking your mental health, so you become dependent on them. Most move into your home, don’t pay the bills, eat your food. To them, it’s simply what’s yours is theirs, and what’s theirs is their own. They spend your money, try to take your home, some will vandalise your property, again blaming you. Some will try to get you to sell up and move you miles away, leaving you isolated. A lot will walk out and leave you with nothing, feeling empty on the inside as well as the outside, slowly manipulating everything you once had away from you.
  • They are viruses and infect your heart, mind and soul, not only are they a leech in your home, they’re also a leach draining you through manipulation slowly over time, from songs they play you, to words they say to you, so you no longer know who you are, from the love bombing and always being at your side in the start, to the sudden disappearing acts, leaving you wondering what you did wrong, planting seeds of self-doubt in your mind not only with their actions also their gaslighting words. From “you’re too sensitive.” And “That never happened.” Too ” You’ll never find someone like me.” And ” Who’d want you, you’re crazy.” Your subconscious is slowly programmed over time to grow those seeds of self-doubt into your own thoughts. You are slowly losing your self-worth.
  • They take over your emotional health, like a virus slowly taking over and swooping in for the kill, the love-bombing where they get all the positive attention and emotions from you, joy, happiness, you want to please and love them any way you can. Your praise to them and about them, to devaluation where they’ll happily make you cry, they’ll sit and watch you cry, or walk out on you, and then they’ll blame it all on you, leaving you hurt and confused. Even the discard is done each and every time with no closure leaving you hurt and confused, the hoover when they come to ’rescue’ you. Then when you finally wake up and see them for all that they are, they use any and all your weaknesses against you, cutting you wide open for more emotional torture.
  • Your hopes and dreams. At the start they pretend to love all that you do, false promises to fulfil all those dreams with your soul mate, then during devaluation, they slowly take all your dreams, hobbies, passions and hopes away from you. After discard, most of us are left with nothing, an empty shell of our former self, full of fear and anxiety to get up and go again.
  • Your trust, the extent of the manipulation and lies they do to you, you lose your self-trust and your trust in others. Questioning and over analysing everything, and others motive towards you, including your own motives. In a state of hypervigilance throughout the devaluation and after the discard with all the games, they throw your way.

You can, and you will recover from this.

  • Safely get away from the narcissist, removing the source of the pain and confusion from your life. No contact or grey rock.
  • Set up your boundaries, block them and any flying monkeys. Learn a million ways to say no and stick to your no.
  • Learn about narcissist personality disorder, put your reality back together, forgive yourself for things you didn’t know. Any reactions you gave, learn to tune into your instincts that your mind and heart chose to ignore.
  • Start filling your human needs for love and connection. Certainly, significance. Growth, uncertainty contribution. By learning new things, making new friends, connecting with those who understand you, this will help overcome the trauma bond. Fixing any trauma you had as a child, working on you.
  • Finding your focus and creating new dreams for you. Starting new hobbies, or taking up old ones.
  • Practice observing and not absorbing their toxins, and those around you, listen to people’s actions, not only their words.
    Be patient and kind on yourself. Most of us slip up on the road to recovery, keep taking those baby steps until you make it.
    Smile at all others, don’t fear reactions, you never know who’s a day you might brighten, a simple smile can infect the world.
  • Develop your mindset, teach your brain, consciously throw out those negative thoughts and find the positive each and every day, learn know things and give yourself new knowledge and wisdom, new skills, when it gets hard to keep going, think creative, think constructive, think big, dream big, then take those small steps to learn and go for it. Work on your mindset work on your knowledge, use your brain the right way to benefit you.
  • Pay others compliments, how do you feel when you receive a compliment? Give compliments out to those you know and those you don’t, lift others spirits with a simple compliment. When others compliment you, you automatically like them more. It feels good receiving praise, and it also feels good giving them. Giving out genuine compliments helps you develop your own people skills, leading to more confidence within yourself. Only sincere compliments, and if it’s easier to start, do it within your mind, until you read to compliment someone verbally.
  • Your sense of humour, whatever that is to you; laughter truly helps lift your mood.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Social media mind games.

Overcoming loneliness.

The Narcissist And Their Flying Monkeys.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse by, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Narcissists and their flying monkeys.

The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. “ the wizard of oz.” when the witch sent out her flying monkeys to do her dirty work.

Flying monkeys are people who act as a third party on behalf of the narcissist, to further abuse the narcissist’s target.

Flying monkeys can be anyone, the narcissist’s parent, child, partner, friend yours or theirs, any family members.

Although the narcissists main partner gets most of the manipulation, and the narcissist gets the most positive and negative attention and reactions from their primary partner, they need others to gain the attention they believe that they deserve as they feel entitled, to manipulate, triangulate, use people as pawns and get others to do their dirty work, no one is exempt, from those things, be it partner, friends, family, children, parents, brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, work colleagues, and acquaintances, even if these people and those around them don’t see it.

Most narcissists will have an army of supporters to help with them getting control over others. They want and expect everyone to look up to them, respect them, take on their views, they want to copy character traits from us and pass them onto others as their own, and they want people to back them up when needed, to counteract others truth about them and keep their lies going. Most people unwittingly become a flying monkey, either because they’ve been manipulated into believing the narcissists lies, or they have so much fear placed in them by the narcissist, they turn to the human defence mode fawn, meaning they will comply with the narcissist for great fear of what would happen to them if they did not.

The narcissist wants others to carry out orders. Flying monkeys will spread gossip, lie, threaten you, stalk you, often with the narcissist seemingly looking like they have nothing to do with it.

Those on the higher end of the spectrum will have plenty of people who speak highly of them, some on the lower end of the spectrum will have plenty who say they’re a wrong one, but don’t fully know why.

The narcissist wants to take control of your friends and family to switch to their side, as the narcissist turns on the charm to them, some might see straight through it, most will not. They want your friends and family turned against you and believing them. They need your friends and family to be on their side so when the inevitable, devaluation, discard and smear campaigns start against you, so you’ve got no one to turn to for support, and they all believe the narcissist and think you are the one lying, exaggerating or going crazy, making it harder for you to break free and easier for the narcissist to swoop back in and save you. With those around believing how wonderful they are, to not only put up with you but to still want to help you.

During the idolisation stage of the relationship, they find it easy to turn your friends against you. They might be your friends, and then they’ll be friends to both of you, then they’ll help the narcissist with the smear campaign, so you are not only left hurt from the narcissist, but you also hurt by your friends and family.

Please remember, most have just been manipulated, as you once have been.

The narcissist wants the world to know what a decent person they are, how loving, kind, supportive, caring and generous, they want the world to know their reality only, and that people will support them, they don’t want others knowing the truth, they are extremely convincing with their lies, as to most their lies are their truths, they rewrite history to suit the story they want to sell to those around them, where all others are to blame, and they are the innocent party. With their lack of cognitive reflection, once the narcissist has made their story, it’s their truth, often why they lie so convincingly, although most narcissists tell different people, different versions of events, and this is where they can often trip themselves up, as they are never wrong, or never admit to being wrong, they can think they told one person one thing, that they didn’t, and then the holes in the narcissists web of lies begin to unravel, why the best thing you can do is stay out of it, leave them in the past where they belong, and focus on your future.

Some are dangerous, so you need to call the authorities.

As the narcissist mirrors people, manipulates people, and takes the good qualities of people on as their own personality, people will often do what the narcissist wants and needs, they will do favours for them, a lift somewhere, lend money, pick something up for them. The narcissist will find out about as much information as they can from people about their target, and the narcissist might have done favours for the flying monkeys, idolisation of the flying monkeys, treating the flying monkeys so well, they believe the narcissist to be a good person, the narcissist, however always wanting something in return which is, to get them to do the narcissists dirty work, the narcissist might also have secrets on the flying monkeys, to manipulate them to conform, so people will do what the narcissist asks.

Flying monkeys will agree with the narcissist and disagree with you. They will triangulate people against each other. They will favour the narcissist.

The narcissist might even have someone that you know nothing about, to suddenly appear in your life after you’ve gone no contact to give the narcissist more information.

They might have turned one person who knew you initially against you, and that person will now fill the narcissist in, they are the ones who give the narcissist your new phone number, your address, any information. Anything you say to them, they’ll stick up for the narcissist with. “ why don’t you try this.” Or “ you don’t know how much they do for you.” Or “you must be mistaken.”

A narcissist will often have a new partner lined up. Be it one of your friends or neighbours to someone you don’t know, and they will smear you to them, they will get them to help with their smear campaign against you any way they can.

Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.

They will use siblings against each other, parents, work colleagues and friends, whoever the narcissist is in your life, they will have someone to go to, while they leave you in the cold.

Recovery from toxic relationships.

When you are still attached to a toxic person, another way to try and turn it around and let the past hurt and pains go.

It can be hard if they’re turning everyone against you, the best thing you can do is leave them all to each other and create a better life for you.

whether the narcissist was your parent. Partner or friend, they have a way of pulling you back in, to push you back out.

When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic negative person and you keep going back to them, giving them a chance after chance, for them to hurt you all over again.

Like one minute they can seem so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, suddenly they reappear wanting you back, this causes the trauma bond, it is like weaning yourself off a drug. Mental abuse has so many effects, and while you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault.

  1. Write down the story you are telling yourself and then next to it write the truth. Things like.
  • We had an amazing connection.

They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.

  • They can change.

They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it, what’s different now? Nothing they will not change,

  • It was my fault they acted that way.

No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.

  • We could make it work this time.

What is different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.

  • I’ll never find real love.

If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.

2. What would you tell your friend if they were telling you everything their parents, partner, etc. had put them through?

Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about someone you love living it,

Would you tell them? That who they are dealing with is toxic, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. Would you be telling them to run the other way? If it’s your parent or a close friend, what would you be telling someone if their parent was treating them, the way yours does you?

So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.

When you are in it, your subconscious mind creates all sorts of story’s, with the help of twisted words from the narcissist, when you step away from it, consciously tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.

3. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?

Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future, by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the narcissist to answer too.

4. Remember they don’t really love you. Even if you thought they did, or perhaps you still think they do, you are entitled to care about them.

Obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone is intense. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, and it’s not real love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?

Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind “ It’s not real love. It is an addiction, and it’s not real love. It is an addiction.”

5. stick to boundaries and no contact.

Set boundaries and stop all contact, Grey rock if you still see them. At the start it’s going to be really hard, you will have withdrawals, keep going it gets easier. Do it now, and you have to go through the withdrawals no other way, it’s far better to do it now, than in ten years time, after withdrawals you will reclaim your happiness.

6. Discover a new passion for you.

Replace that void, that they leave behind, with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, and it’s the routine you miss.

7. When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh.

Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their, best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. You can, and you will recover from this.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

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Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Trauma Bond.

Smear campaign.

How To Outsmart A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Those with the narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people, enjoy pushing your buttons and provoking you any way they can to get a reaction from you. They know from the emotional reactions and response you give them whether to keep pushing those same buttons or not. The narcissist learned all your strengths to put you down, so you doubt your own capabilities, they understand all your weaknesses to use each and everyone against you, they know all your insecurities, to rip each one wide open and watch you bleed out, some you can cut ties with easier than others, some are a little more stubborn, like toddlers who don’t know any better, they are toddlers in an adults body, although most toddlers that have tantrums learn and grow out of their tantrums, somehow a narcissist missed this step. When you stop playing into their game, some narcissists will get the message sooner than others, and some don’t seem to get it or don’t want to accept it straight away and keep pushing those buttons in the hope you’ll give in, and to get what they want, which is to get your attention and win at all costs, they don’t care who they hurt with their games, including hurting their own children.

A narcissist seems to get a real kick out of manipulating you to think you’re not good enough, you’re not lovable, you’ll never make anything from your life, and you’ll never be free.

The Narcissist only want to use you, if they can not use you, they will use all your weaknesses and fears you once told them about you, to bring you down. They will counter parent and mess with children’s mind to get at you, and they are no better parents than they were partners.

You have something they want, and if they can not have it, they will go all out to destroy you, through smear campaigns, your children and the court system.

Once you’ve been entangled with a narcissist, your job isn’t to help them. It is to save yourself. You are a hostage your job is to escape.

You are in the fight of your life, for your mental health, your physical health, your financial health and your children’s health.

You have to stop running from the pain, and you have to deal with and grow through the pain, that hurt, if not dealt with, it will only keep you trapped.

A Narcissist wants to fight, and they want to win at all costs. The only way to fight these people is to stop playing their games. If they say 1+4= 2 you have to leave them to it, you can not defend yourself to them, and they are not interested in your point of view, they are only ever interested in hurting you or using you. They will twist all your words against you.

George Bernard Shaw, ”you can not wrestle with pigs, you get dirty, and the pig likes it.”

If you’re at the start of this, no reaction and no contact is best, no contact is not always possible, because some of us have children with them, or you work with them, or it would mean cutting off good family members, if no contact is genuinely not an option for you, it’s firm boundaries and remember it’s ok to say NO, then it’s no reaction, if you’ve done that and they are upping their games, remember why they are doing it, they don’t like losing and the fact your not reacting makes them feel worthless, remember always to stay safe, some are dangerous, your safety comes first.

Always look calm and collected, if it’s face to face combat, and if you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their own insecurities off onto you, do not absorb the words. If we drink poison it will infect us if we leave poison in a bottle and don’t touch it, the poison can not harm us, the narcissists manipulating words are that poison to our minds, always observe and never absorb, don’t take their words personally, don’t defend yourself that’s what they want and why they are doing it. We do not have to take part in every argument we are invited to, we do not have to defend our intentions to those unwilling to listen or compromise, with good intentions you live your life how you want. If you need to respond, Instead of defending yourself, say things like. “You seem upset all the time, are you ok?” Or “you seem negative all the time, are you ok?” Or ” I’m sorry you feel that way.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing, you’ll watch them get more frustrated that they can not draw the reactions and attention out of you that they want from you.

You can also use that line in a workplace, or a family member they hate. “You seem upset all the time, are you ok?” Or “you always seem negative, are you ok?” They hate their faults and insecurities being pointed out and they will want to shift it onto you. Do not go off-topic, that’s what they want.

When you do use these make sure, your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected.

Give them no reaction. Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games, and it’ll no longer affect you, it takes time, it takes practice, to unlearn how you used to respond, and learn a method that works for you.

At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out, just do not do it to the narcissist, wait till they are gone.

If at all possible, when they come at you, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so.

Shut the narcissist down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said do not explain yourself you already have, and they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you, best poker face you can, don’t let their actions trigger your frustration, when you allow them to control your emotions with their actions, they have the power and control over you, that they want.

You can not control what they do, you can control the meaning you give yourself for those negative things they do, so instead of being frustrated or angry, find something like, ” their behaviour is that predictable it’s laughable.” at the same time you need to become emotional unpredictable to them for actions they throw your way, turning the tables.

Some are dangerous, call the authorities, and keep all written evidence.

You thought you knew them, you didn’t, they knew you though, yet now you know all about the narcissistic personality disorder you know all about them, and they’ll never know who you are again.

We all have our memories, and our emotions are connected to those memories, when we have learned through past experiences how they behave, it triggers those learned emotions, so at the start, it’s hard, and it’s a learning curve to change how we handle them, our minds are subconsciously programmed to respond a certain way. We have the power within our selves to change this.

We can not change them. We can change ourselves.

When you’ve got to see them, from past experience, past emotions and past memories, it can leave you fearing all they might say, or what stunt the might pull. This can lead to you focusing on the negatives of a future event that hasn’t even happened yet.

This is powerful as you know you can do this, you can imagine your past, and you can imagine your future, learning to differentiate between your imagination of the past, and the present moment, when we live with the toxic past running around our minds, it keeps us trapped in a place we don’t need to be, now you need to use your present moment to focus on a better future. So when a meeting is coming up, a family event, a child hand over, learn to not focus on the what if negative, that fills you with those negative emotions and ruins your present moment, think of how you want it to go, in a way that gives you feelings of happiness, so not to destroy your present day.

A narcissist controls people and creates drama, by using peoples emotions against them, with the games they play, they are controlling your emotions, and your emotional reactions, taking control back of our feelings, brings back our power of ourselves, our life and our happiness.

Think of you staying in control of your emotions and not allowing them to get at you, then shift that future out of your mind and focus back on what you are doing in the here and now.

Boundaries, learn and know what behaviour you will and will not accept from others if by saying yes to someone else, you are saying no to you, it needs to be a no.

Do not say no, draw a line in the sand and let them walk straight over it. Say no, mean no, and stay on that line.

Boundaries and no contact is best if it’s not possible then do the above, you are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.

It’s hard to stop thinking about them, and what game they will play next, it is possible, and this takes work, thinking about them keeps you locked on them, which you most likely don’t want anyway.

When your subconscious allows them in your mind, consciously remove them, just because your subconscious brought them into your thoughts, doesn’t mean your conscious can not kick them straight back out. Your brain is powerful, and you have the strength within you, to use your mind to work for you.

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Self-doubt

Pattern interrupt.

Boundaries.