Narcissism and Covert Phrases: How to Recognise Manipulation and Gaslighting:
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While overt narcissistic behaviours are often easier to spot due to the overt displays of arrogance and entitlement, covert narcissistic behaviours are more difficult to identify as they operate in a more subtle and manipulative manner. Narcissists are masters of manipulation, gaslighting, and playing the victim while still managing to make others feel responsible for their actions.
One of the key tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control others is through the use of covert phrases. These are subtle, seemingly innocent comments that actually reveal a narcissist’s true intentions and underlying manipulative behaviour. In this article, we will explore some of the covert phrases commonly used by narcissists, along with examples to help you recognise and identify these manipulative tactics.
- “If you hadn’t, then I wouldn’t.”
This phrase is a classic example of a covert narcissist shifting blame onto others. By using this phrase, they are essentially saying that it is someone else’s fault for their actions or behaviour. For example, if a covert narcissist forgets to do something and is called out on it, they may respond with, “If you had reminded me, I wouldn’t have forgotten.” This shifts the blame onto the other person and absolves the narcissist of any responsibility for their actions. - “Are you jealous of me?”
Covert narcissists often seek validation and attention from others, and this phrase is a clear example of that. By asking if someone is jealous of them, they are fishing for compliments and reassurance that they are indeed worthy of envy. For example, if a covert narcissist receives a promotion at work and someone else expresses their own career aspirations, the narcissist may respond with “Are you jealous of me?” in an attempt to make the other person feel inadequate or envious. - “Oh, I knew it would be my fault.”
This phrase is a sneaky way for a covert narcissist to play the victim while still maintaining a sense of ownership and control. By preemptively taking the blame for something, they are able to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them while still asserting their dominance. For example, if a covert narcissist forgets to pick up groceries and their partner is upset, they may respond with, “Oh, I knew it would be my fault. I’m sorry, I forgot you were perfect.” This manipulative tactic shifts the focus onto the partner’s perceived perfection and makes the narcissist the victim in the situation. - “I’m sorry, I forgot you were perfect.”
This phrase is a classic example of passive-aggressive sarcasm used by covert narcissists. By using this type of language, they are able to make snide, belittling remarks without being overtly aggressive. For example, if a covert narcissist is criticised for forgetting an important event, they may respond with, “I’m sorry I forgot you were perfect.” This passive-aggressive comment serves to undermine the other person’s criticism and paint them as overly critical or unreasonable. - “See, this is why I don’t bother.”
Narcissists are experts at manipulating others into feeling guilty, and this phrase is a prime example of that. By making it seem like their efforts are unappreciated or unwanted, they are able to manipulate others into feeling responsible for their actions. For example, if a covert narcissist offers to help someone with a task, then does it badly and receives constructive feedback, they may respond with, “See, this is why I don’t bother.” This manipulative tactic is designed to make the victim feel guilty for calling the narcissist out. - “I can’t believe you would think that of me.”
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a classic example of that. By invalidating the other person’s feelings and making them question their perception of reality, the narcissist is able to maintain control and power over the situation. For example, if a narcissist is caught in a lie and is confronted about it, they may respond with, “I can’t believe you would think that of me.” This gaslighting tactic is designed to make the other person question their own judgment and perception of reality. - “You’ll never find someone like me.”
Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others. This phrase is a clear example of their arrogance and superiority complex. By making this statement, they are essentially saying that the other person will never find someone as wonderful or as desirable as them. For example, if a narcissist is in a relationship and their partner expresses dissatisfaction or frustration, the narcissist may respond with “You’ll never find someone like me.” This manipulative tactic is designed to make the partner feel lucky to have the narcissist and to discourage them from seeking independence or validation from others. - “You’re just trying to bring me down.”
Paranoia and victim-playing are common tactics used by narcissists, and this phrase exemplifies both. By accusing the other person of trying to undermine or sabotage them, the narcissist is able to deflect responsibility and maintain a sense of victimhood. For example, if a covert narcissist receives constructive criticism from a colleague, they may respond with, “You’re just trying to bring me down.” This manipulative tactic is designed to make the colleague feel guilty for offering feedback and to make the narcissist the victim in the situation. - “I’m the victim here.”
Directly claiming victimhood and deflecting responsibility is another common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a prime example of that. By asserting themselves as the victim and deflecting any responsibility for their actions, they are able to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them. For example, if a covert narcissist is caught in a lie and is confronted about it, they may respond with “I’m the victim here.” This manipulative tactic is designed to make the other person feel guilty for questioning the narcissist’s actions and to paint the narcissist as the innocent party. - “You always do this to me.”
Blaming others for their actions is a common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a clear example of that. By making the other person responsible for their own behaviour, they are able to manipulate others into feeling guilty and responsible for the situation. For example, if a narcissist loses their temper and becomes aggressive towards a friend, they may respond with, “You always do this to me.” This manipulative tactic is designed to shift the blame onto the friend and make them feel responsible for the narcissist’s aggressive behaviour. - “I guess I’m just not good enough for you.”
Fishing for compliments and reassurance is a common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a prime example of that. By expressing self-doubt and insecurity, they are able to manipulate others into providing them with validation and attention. For example, if a narcissist feels neglected by a romantic partner, they may respond with, “I guess I’m just not good enough for you.” This manipulative tactic is designed to make the partner reassure the narcissist of their worth and to provide them with the attention and validation they crave. - “You’re the one who made me do this.”
Shifting responsibility onto others for their actions is a common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a clear example of that. By making the other person responsible for their behaviour, they are able to manipulate others into feeling guilty and responsible for the situation. For example, if a narcissist becomes aggressive towards a colleague and is called out on it, they may respond with, “You’re the one who made me do this.” This manipulative tactic is designed to shift the blame onto the colleague and to absolve the narcissist of any responsibility for their actions. - “I can’t believe you’re making this all about you.”
Invalidating others’ feelings and deflecting responsibility is a common tactic used by narcissists, and this phrase is a prime example of that. By making the other person’s feelings seem trivial or insignificant, they are able to maintain control and power over the situation. For example, if a narcissist doesn’t want you to celebrate an achievement, they’ll pick a fight over something trivial, and then when you try to be assertive, they’ll claim, “I can’t believe you’re making this all about you.” This manipulative tactic is designed to invalidate feelings and to deflect responsibility for the narcissists.
In conclusion, narcissists are master manipulators who use covert, subtle, seemingly innocent phrases to control and manipulate others. By being aware of these covert phrases and recognising them for what they are, you can protect yourself from falling victim to their manipulation and gaslighting tactics. If you suspect that someone in your life may be a narcissist, it is important to set boundaries, seek support, and consider seeking professional help. Recognising these covert phrases is the first step in protecting yourself from the manipulation and control of covert narcissists.
10 Sneaky Covert Ways Narcissists Tell On Themselves | Narcissistic Behaviour.
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