The Narcissists Hoover is a manipulation tactic employed by narcissists in order to draw their victims back into their toxic games, subjecting them to mistreatment and then discarding them once again. It is important to note that while some individuals who are not abusive may use similar phrases out of genuine remorse, this article will focus specifically on the narcissistic use of these tactics.
If a person has been mentally or physically abusive towards you, gaslighted you, exploited you financially or emotionally, cheated on you, repeatedly lied and let you down, it is important to understand that their attempts to win you back are merely a means to further exploit you. Some phrases commonly used by narcissists during a Hoover include:
- “You made me do it. It’s only because you weren’t there for me. If you were more interested in me, that was when we were on a break.” This blaming tactic is often used by narcissists to shift the blame onto their victims and manipulate them through guilt. By blaming the victim, they aim to strengthen the trauma bond and make them work harder to keep the narcissist. It is crucial to recognise that someone who truly loves and cares for you would not repeatedly let you down and hurt you.
- “I’ll go to counselling.” Narcissists rarely have any intention of changing their behaviour. Promising to attend counselling is just a way to buy more time with their victims. They may use it to create an illusion of hope and obligation, making the victim feel responsible for helping them change. Sometimes, narcissists may manipulate professionals to paint the victim as the problem, smearing their credibility and sanity. It is best to let the narcissist go to counselling alone and focus on your own healing.
- “I miss you. I know you don’t want me back. Can we just be friends?” This statement is often a ploy for the narcissist to maintain some form of control or to triangulate their victim with their new partner. They may use the victim as a way to make their new partner feel insecure or crazy. It is important to recognise this manipulation and not fall into the trap of being used.
- “Let’s get married. Let’s have a baby.” The tactic of future-faking involves giving false hope that the narcissist truly cares and wants the same things as the victim. This is often used to exploit the victim financially, gain control over assets, and maintain child custody arrangements after a divorce. It is crucial to be cautious of these empty promises and not allow them to exploit you further.
- “Perhaps we should take a break.” Even if you’re already on a break, this phrase is employed by the narcissist to maintain control and to make their victim work harder to win them back. By suggesting a break, they create an opportunity for the victim to prove their love and devotion. On the other hand, they may also use phrases like “I knew you weren’t right for me” to manipulate the victim into trying to win them back. Both tactics are aimed at receiving attention and admiration from the victim, as narcissists are always seeking more.
- “I’m sorry if you got hurt. It’ll never happen again.” Narcissists do not genuinely feel sorry for hurting their victims. Their apologies are merely attempts to avoid facing consequences for their actions. They do not see themselves as the problem – instead, they blame the victim’s reactions. It is crucial to recognise the repeated patterns of behaviour that prove the narcissist’s words are meaningless.
- “I’ve nothing left to live for. What about the children? After all I’ve done for you.” These statements are meant to evoke pity and guilt from the victim, hoping they will not leave, or they’ll return. The narcissist aims to buy more time to secure another source of supply before ultimately discarding the victim.
- “Happy birthday” or “Thinking about you.” These messages are used by narcissists to test the waters and see if the victim is willing to engage with them. It is important to remember all the special occasions they ruined and not respond, as any response would give them an opportunity to worm their way back into your life.
- “I’ve only ever loved you, or you’re the only one for me.” While narcissists may try to play the card that they never cared for others, the reality is that they do not care for anyone but themselves. They are willing to cheat and deceive to get their needs met, as they feel entitled to do so.
- “I’m torn. I love you both.” This statement is used by the narcissist to make both parties work harder to win them over. They thrive on the attention and adoration they receive from both individuals, using their manipulation tactics to create a sense of competition.
Regardless of what the narcissist says, it is important to remember how they have hurt and mistreated you in the past. Breaking no contact or engaging in the grey rock technique, which involves being nonreactive and emotionally detached, will only set your recovery back. Narcissists will continue to hurt and mistreat you whenever you take them back. Studies and experts agree that narcissists rarely change, so it is not worth risking your happiness by going back into an abusive relationship.
In conclusion, narcissists employ various manipulative tactics, including using specific phrases, to win their victims back. It is imperative to recognise these tactics for what they are and prioritise your own well-being. By maintaining no contact and focusing on your own healing, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and build a healthier, happier life.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.