Someone’s narcissistic partner is someone else’s narcissistic parent, friend, child, boss, co-worker, or other family members, and for those who genuinely care for those around them it can be hard walking away, we can feel cruel cutting our family out of our life, those parents who raised us, those cousins we grew up with, we can fear what others will think of us, we can question, they’re having a bad day, or think if I just try to explain in a different way.
We can question, perhaps it’s not them, maybe it’s me, especially with the narcissist’s gaslighting, it’s hard walking away from those we care for, even when they hurt us, it’s hard walking away from our beliefs of what it could be, should be, would have been if only, that false hope that keeps us hanging on to endless pain. However, when it comes to a narcissistic relationship, no matter what you do, it’ll never be good enough for those who are not good for you.
Here are 9 reasons why it’ll never work with a narcissist.
1. They lack the empathy to care about you, those moments where they will sit and watch you cry over the pain they’ve caused you with a glint in their eye, no remorse, no apology, instead they’ll blame you for the pain they caused you.
Share your good news with a narcissistic person they’re not interested, they’ll find a way to subtly insult or mock you, they’ll talk about something they’ve done far better, or share your bad news, they’ll claim you’re overreacting, too sensitive, tell you to get over it or go deal with it, they’ll tell you how they’ve suffered far worse. What they won’t do is be genuinely interested in you, in congratulating you, supporting you, helping you, as this would mean you’re taking all the attention and validation away from them.
Narcissists don’t do favours for you unless they can use them against you. “After all, I’ve done for you.” to guilt you into doing something that goes against who you are as a person for them.
Narcissists aren’t interested in your feelings they use your feelings against you to get their own way with you. They’d rather impress strangers than care for their families.
2. They believe they’re entitled to have everything their own way.
Narcissists are like a toddler that hasn’t learned the art of give and take, they have that sense of entitlement where they believe everyone should be there for them, however, they lack the empathy to be there for others unless there is something in it for them.
Narcissists are more than happy to take, yet very unwilling to give, whatever you do for them is never enough and they’ll always be on the lookout for something to complain about, they don’t take responsibility for their behaviour instead they find someone to shift the blame over to.
3. They’re arrogant enough to believe they’re always right.
Narcissists can have all the confidence they just lack the competence, they will sell you the dreams of your future so convincingly well, to deliver you your worst nightmares, then blame you for the pain they’ve caused you.
Narcissists seek to prove themselves as superior often by pulling those around them down, by invalidating others this helps them run from their own inadequacies, by blaming, shaming and humiliating others, this helps them feel better about themselves, no matter who you are or what you do, a narcissist will always find fault with you.
A narcissist will claim they don’t want to argue right before they cause an argument, then they’ll accuse you of ruining their day, even though they ruined yours, they condition you to walk on eggshells around them.
They’ll always put their needs before others and they expect you to put their needs before yours, they’re envious of their own children and they’ll expect you to put them before their children, if you don’t they’ll take this as criticism, they might point out your flaws, or claim. “If they’re more important to you than I am.”
4. They’ll use your emotions against you to exploit you.
Narcissists will sell you an illusion of who you’d like them to be, to gain that admiration from you, so they feel important, they spin very good stories where they’re the hero or the victim, they exaggerate their achievement and blame others for their failings, they’re quick to isolate you. “They don’t like you, they interfere too much.”
Narcissists play on your vulnerabilities, they want you weak and insecure, and they need to make you feel guilty so you learn to live life on their terms.
5. They’re envious of your happiness and success.
Narcissists think others are envious of them, they create scenarios to cause that anger, resentment, and bitterness within those around them, and to escape consequences for their actions they accuse others of being jealous of them,
A narcissist doesn’t want to congratulate you, they want to find faults within you, create insecurities, make you feel bad about yourself, unworthy, incapable, unlovable, as though you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, loyalty and honestly, how in someway everything is your fault.
A narcissist will talk highly of themselves and blame you for their troubles, they’ll expect you to fix everything and when you do they still find a way to pull you down, blame you, and punish you.
Narcissists aren’t supportive, they don’t offer encouragement unless they can take the credit, they sabotage you, and they discourage you. If you receive any praise they get offended and will take the credit, downplay or humiliate you.
6. They believe they’re entitled to excessive admiration and attention.
Narcissists don’t give genuine compliments, they flatter, that insincere praise in order to receive praise, narcissists point out their achievements they can brag and boast, even pull themselves down to get you to raise them up. They only do for others in order to get that praise, and no matter how much you give them, it’s never enough for them, narcissists are forever chasing that external validation.
7. Grandiose sense of self-importance.
Narcissists expect that special treatment, they’re very self-absorbed, and when not getting their own way they’ll accuse you of being selfish, stubborn, and awkward, a narcissist doesn’t believe the rules apply to them, although with their double standards, they believe those rules apply to you, and they hold grudges against you for the things they did to you. They’re not interested in listening to you, however, they will expect you to listen to them, they show no concern in helping you, often telling you to deal with it, then telling you how you dealt with it wrong and how they could have done it better, yet they expect you to help them, if you don’t they’ll claim you don’t care, those “if you loved me you would.”
8. Believes they’re special
If a narcissist was to do something for you, they expect recognition and praise, and they expect eternal gratitude, don’t show it to their liking and they’ll accuse you of being ungrateful, they know everything, they always have to be right, you’re not allowed thoughts feelings or opinions of your own, or it’s those. “I knew you’d take their side.” you’re only allowed opinions that match those of the narcissist.
If they achieve it’s down to their hard work and they need that praise and recognition if you achieve its pure luck and you are selfish for putting your achievement before them, you are trying to impress others, as that’s what they’re doing trying to impress, they don’t see you’ve done something for you, or to help others, as they only help others if there’s something in it for themselves.
They have a total disregard for your boundaries, they get offended when you say no, and go all out to punish you for daring to say no to them.
9. Preoccupation with fantasies.
Narcissists create a fantasy world to give you just enough hope to hang onto absolutely nothing, they lie and are very quick to anger if you were to discover the truth, and the narcissist will be angry at you for finding the truth out about them, they’re only loyal to their need of you, they don’t want to see your point of view and they’ll go all out to exploit you to get their needs met by you.
Relationships with narcissistic people simply do not work, while you’re trying to work with them, they’re working against you, you’re not in a relationship with them it’s a manipulationship, they’ll blame you, shame you, cause anger and resentment within you, they’ll financially abuse you and drain you of all resources, then once they’ve got their needs met by you, they move onto someone new, only when they see you doing better without them do they come back to hoover you, to destroy you all over again.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.