When the narcissist tries to get you back.
If you managed to get out, or if they left you with the trauma bond and possible CPTSD, you are left with endless wounds you have to heal and overcome, and it can be a long, hard, incredibly draining journey at times, but please stick with it. It will become so much easier. You will get there, and you will find your happiness again. It just takes work from you.
With the trauma bond, you are weaning yourself off a drug. Those around you that haven’t been through it might not understand, so join support groups of people who have been there. Any question you ask, someone will have been through the same or very similar, it’ll help you to understand you’re not alone, also how you think and feel is normal.
A Narcissistic relationship causes a whole lot of damage that you have to heal. I understand and know exactly what you’re going through. I also understand those around you that haven’t been through it, telling you to just get over it, do not understand it’s not a healthy break-up. If you have children with the narcissist, it’s even harder as you can not just cut the narcissist out. Also, the narcissist will be using those children to try and further their destruction of you.
Narcissists will not give you answers or a closure as to what happened, as they want to keep you confused. So the best step for you is to research psychology and the narcissist personality disorder, so you can recognise their behaviour and know what game they are playing while working on a better life for you so that you can move forward.
It’s not all your fault. No matter what you do, no one deserves that kind of abuse, so no matter how many times they blame you, you need to remove that thought from your mind.
You are most likely a genuine, empathic, loving, caring and kind person that wants to see the good in others and help others. You most likely changed yourself so many times until you lost who you were to make the relationship with the narcissist work.
You might be waiting for an apology which is the narcissists the hoover, so you can tell them where to go and give yourself the closure and the grand final of the relationship that never truly existed in terms of a relationship more, a sunken ship, with the narcissist that only aims to take everything away from you, so you hit rock bottom and have to fight with everything you have just to reach the surface again, dodging them trying to dunk you straight back under.
When the narcissist appears to hoover you, human nature can make you intrigued. Personally, I would recommend no contact or grey rock and stick to it, but you have to do what is right for you, so if you do acknowledge them, remind yourself, if they were abusive, they are abusive, narcissist or not.
The narcissist most likely will not take responsibility for their behaviour as they’ll never be held accountable, and they will not see what they’ve done to cause any of it. They’ll not even take 50/50. They might offer a false apology, but they will still turn it all around onto what you’ve done.
The narcissist hates being alone, and most of them have to jump from one relationship to another. While it’s working, they’re getting positive attention about how amazing they are with the new partner, on a whole they’ll leave you alone. As soon as that mask slips, they come back and test the waters, first so they can get all your attention and feel better about themselves, second to make the new person feel horrendous as they once did to you, and third to play you off against each other to fight over them and give the narcissist all the attention they need.
The narcissist is incapable of loving or caring about you on the same level you do them. They don’t deserve you. The best way to handle a hoover, grey rock if you have children, no contact if not, trying to do anything else, will result in slowing your recovery, and they’ve already taken up to much of your time.
Here are a few things narcissists might say to try and win you back.
Some people who are not abusive may say these things if they feel genuine remorse. If they’ve not been physically or mentally abusive towards you, they might be genuinely sorry for their actions and genuinely love care and want you back.
Yet if they’ve been mentally or physically abusive towards you, left you feeling crazy, take your money, your home, or use you in any way they can, cheated on you, they are saying these things as they want to use you some more.
When they come for the hoover, they might say things like.
1. “You made me do it. It’s only because you weren’t there for me. If you were more interested in me.” When you’ve discovered, they’ve cheated again. This is the narcissist blame-shifting onto you or triangulating you Both, so you work harder to keep them due to your trauma bond.
2. “I’ll go to counselling.” The narcissist has no intentions of changing. They are buying themselves more time with you. They’ll often use counselling to form an illusion, so you’re the one told by the professionals that you need to change for the narcissist to make the relationship work, often you’ll be painted as crazy, not always, but a few narcissists have a way of doing this through manipulation of the professional working with you. Professionals are becoming more aware of spotting precisely what the narcissist is doing and being able to help you.
3. “I miss you. I know you don’t want me back. Can we just be friends?” They want friends with benefits, or to triangulate you with their new partner, or use you to make the new partner feel crazy.
4. “Let’s get married,” just because they want to pull on your heartstrings that they really care, sell you the dream to deliver you the nightmare often they wish to take you for all they can in the divorce.
5. “Perhaps we should take a break.” They just want you to up your game and win them back. Or. “I knew you weren’t right for me.” Again hopefully, you’ll try to win them back, yet they’ll usually have someone lined up in case you don’t play up your game on delivering all their desires which is never enough as they’re not sure what will make them truly happy.
6. “I’m sorry I hurt you; it’ll never happen again.” They’re sorry that the news didn’t work out, and they feel you can fill a void again.
7. “I’ve nothing left to live for.” If you’re leaving them, The victim narcissist, pity playing hoping you’re caring heart will not want to leave them hurt. The reality, they want to buy time, so they can discard you and find someone else.
When they come back with all the gifts, and I’m sorry, again, just a ploy to suck you back in the, to treat you like dirt again, as the news isn’t working out, or you have something they want.
8. “Happy birthday.” Or “thinking about you.” On your birthday, they are just testing the waters to see if you are willing. Remember all those special occasions they ruined and did not respond to. A response to a narcissist is all they need to worm their way back in.
9. “I’ve only ever loved you; you’re the only one for me.” Most narcissists are unfaithful, yet they try to play the card that they don’t care for others. The reality is they don’t care for the others, yet they don’t care for you either. They only care about getting their needs met.
10. “I’m torn; I love you both.” Again trying to get you both to work harder and win them over. They just want the attention from you both as you fight over the narcissist.
11. “I need your help, and I don’t mean to hurt you.” They need your positivity emotions as they didn’t mean to push you so far as they’d not got someone else lined up. They didn’t mean to push you so far, yet as you still have something they want from you.
Whatever they say, do not break no contact or grey rock. It’ll set your recovery back, they hurt you and treated you wrong, and they’ll keep doing it every time you take them back. Most psychologists and researchers say they can not change, don’t risk your happiness by going back.
Why is the narcissist not coming to hoover you?
You may question if they are narcissistic as they are not reaching out in all the hoover ways you’ve heard about to suck you back in.
If they have at least five of the characteristics, they are most likely on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. If they were abusive, no matter what their personality, safely get out and safely stay out.
Some narcissists are simply far too lazy to hoover, like those who didn’t work as they are far too lazy, although if they think it’s easy enough, they will try to hoover.
Narcissistic people believe they are entitled, so if they feel like they always have you even if they are not with you.
Now you’ve learnt about narcissism. You no longer believe you are a narcissist. You know all they do, they are most likely a narcissist, yet your missing that one piece, the hoover, they just haven’t bothered to hoover you, you know all the ways they do this, yet your ex-narcissist hasn’t bothered with any hoover.
Those who have been hoovered would love to find themselves in this position, to be able to just get on with their lives, freely without those reminders and missed calls,
You may actually want them to hoover, so you can have it out with them about what’s happened. This is pointless and will only end up with you feeling worse. You may want to lash out at them for how they’ve treated you, this only helps their ego, and they will twist the words to play victim to others.
You may want closure, and they’ll never give it to you. You’ll only feel worse. Work on yourself instead, you’re inner happiness and giving yourself closure.
You may want the hoover to happen, as you’re still in the trauma bond, you’ve not yet worked on yourself to get over them, and still believe you can help them and make it work. You can not use this time to work on yourself.
You may want to let them know you know exactly what they are. Pointless, they only believe in their own reality. Instead, take your newfound knowledge to stay away from these negative people.
You may want them to hoover, so you can prove how strong you are and tell them where to go. You are strong. Moving forward with your own life shows that, and they may not be Hoovering as they recognise how strong you are, so would they would prefer to dream that you’d always go back, but not risk their own ego by trying.
You may want to sort financial things out or belongings, if they have yours, this is so you communicate to them, cut your losses, sort out your own finances as hard as that can be, they will not be accountable, and they will not help. They’ll just delight in you asking them, same as belongings, just chuck their out, and leave yours be, as hard as that can be.
Depending on where the narcissist is on the spectrum, some are aware of this, so they are not forthcoming with the hoover, as they are waiting for you to make the first move to get in touch with them. As through many silent treatments, they have known you to reach out to them, so as they believe they are entitled, they might be waiting for you to do so again.
Sometimes, they carry on the games to destroy you, the negative hoover, they know they are still in your head, and they are enjoying the negative reactions, which is why it’s vital not to give them any reactions, so they will eventually leave you alone.
They may be stalking you, including your social media, with false accounts to see what their chances are and if it’s worth their time.
They may have called you or messaged you but did not respond when you picked up or messaged back. They just wanted the tone of your voice or to see if you’d keep trying to message them back. This is a hoover of gaining emotions and testing the waters.
You may not have been hovered directly, and they may have gotten one of their flying monkeys to get in touch with you again to see what your response is. Also, to see if it’s worth their time trying to hoover you.
You may be still regularly contacting them for answers that they feel no need to hoover, as they are gaining emotional responses anyway.
It might be too soon, and they have someone else meeting their needs. It could be years before they come for the hoover.
They may to consumed in hoovering an ex before you.
You have managed to stay clear of them, avoiding them of all costs, so you’re no longer on their radar to try and hoover you.
You may have made the steps to cut all contact block all flying monkeys, and they are unable to try and hoover you. This no contact is by far the best option for you, and no hoover makes it far easier for you to move on to a much better life.
Whatever the reason they are not coming for the hoover, be grateful. It makes healing and becoming happy again so much easier.
Keep going, keep positive, stay happy, it gets a little easier each day, and soon you will be your newfound happy self again.
Keep moving forward with your life. You’ve got this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.