Phrases narcissists use to blame shift.
As a narcissist never believes they are accountable for their own mistakes in life, they will often place the blame on those around them. Here are 25 of their most commonly used blame-shifting phrases.
As a narcissist believes, they are entitled to do as they like, to get their own needs met, and to them, it’s up to others to clean up after them. They often don’t see fault in their own behaviour. When they do, they change the story to suit themselves, often forgetting facts and changing the truth to their lies, which most narcissists actually believe. They will play the victim or the hero, depending on the situation and the people. Yet, they will never play the villain, as to them, it’s always someone else’s fault. Those around them often believe what they say, as they say, it with such truths, even when our instincts are trying to tell us otherwise. As we can not see evidence of their wrongdoings, we find it hard to lose the image of the genuine person and see the nasty person that stands in front of us. With The Narcissists Gaslighting, we are the ones often left questioning. What did I do wrong? You did nothing wrong. You are a genuine, kind, caring person that wanted to help. They have a disorder. It’s who they are, and you can not help them. You can, however, help yourself.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
The most common phrases.
1.”It’s your fault.” No, it’s not your fault. Whatever they’ve been caught out on, whatever proof you have, they will always, Twist it straight back onto you.
2. “What do you want me to do about it.” They’re blaming no one, but to them, they’re not responsible, so you are the one who needs to sort it out. Do what you can to help you and leave them to it.
3.” Deal with it.” They believe they are entitled to do as they please. It’s up to you to get on with it. All you can do is do things you can do to help you and leave them to deal with their own problems. Some great people will help you and will appreciate help from you. Any relationship in life is helping each other through life’s dramas. Those you continue to put you in drama, leave them to be who they want to be, and you go and be who you want to be.
4″ You’re too sensitive.” No, you are not. You will usually have got a perfect reason to be upset. The narcissist doesn’t care, and will not accept any blame, leaving you to question if you’re overreacting, so you then feel insecure, so you don’t ask them again. Whatever you’re feeling upset about, most often, we have a valid reason to be upset. Find your reasons and work on those. Most people get upset through life, and what upsets one person doesn’t always bother another. If someone isn’t willing to listen, care, help or support you in your time of need when you do for them, they are not the people to go to when you are feeling low.
5.” No, I didn’t.” They most likely did, but they’ll never admit to something they did. Writing out your truths often helps with this, to give yourself clarity. Sometimes, people do say things that others take the wrong way. With a narcissist, they will be unable to discuss a misunderstanding, and they will not be held accountable.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
6. ” If you hadn’t.” Finding fault with you, so again, the original question isn’t answered, and you’re left wondering about your own actions. We are all in control of our own actions. Sometimes, when provoked, we do React. Human nature, they didn’t make us react. They provoked, and we reacted. Where they will focus on our reactions being the problem and not their actions, or their actions are our fault. We often feel guilty for our reactions, which they will then use this to their advantage and use our guilt against us so they can further manipulate and control us. We all make mistakes in life. It’s how we learn. From this, we learn to Retreat and Rethink if we are starting to feel anger, then only Respond once calm and if we genuinely need to do so.
7. “If you looked after me more, I wouldn’t go elsewhere.” Even though they’ve cheated on you, if you ask again about the affair, they’ll just respond with something like. “I’ve already told you why.” Again, getting you to question yourself and try harder to please. A reasonable person can cheat and can respond in negative ways in fear of losing someone from a mistake they made, yet they would learn from it. They wouldn’t want to feel that guilt again. Those who repeatedly cheat and blame others for doing so it’s who they are, and they’ll not stop.
8.”It’s only messages. At least I’m not cheating.” They probably are cheating, but they’ll not admit that. They are definitely looking for a new source of supply. Even if they are actually cheating, you define what behaviour you will and will not accept from others if you wouldn’t send flirty message as you class it as cheating. Don’t be with someone who does that to you if you believe a kiss is worse than sex. That’s your beliefs, so it is no longer acceptable behaviour from others that you wouldn’t do to others.
9. “You’re overreacting.” Actually, no, you’re not, and no, you haven’t. They, again, just want to shift attention off themselves and onto you. If that’s how you feel about something, it’s how you feel if people are not willing to listen and support you, as you would them. Those people are not the ones to go to.
10.”I love you.” They don’t even know how to love themselves, let alone others. They just want to use you for whatever you’ve got that they want or need. They might think they love you when their needs are getting met. As soon as their needs are no longer being met, they flip the script. We all need to learn to love ourselves for who we are so we can give the best of ourselves to others and learn what behaviour we shall not accept from others.
11.” That didn’t happen.” Yes, most likely, it did happen. They just enjoy rewriting history and watching you doubt yourself more. To them, it might not have happened. Why do they say it with such truths, deep down, your instincts know it did, yet with all the gaslighting, we often question ourselves: why keeping diaries on key things is always a wise idea if you can not go No contact.
13. “That wasn’t my fault.” It most likely was totally their fault, but remember, they can not be accountable, and they will not be held responsible for things that go wrong. You are not responsible for their actions. What they do is down to them. You are only ever responsible for your own actions.
14. “I’m going here with xy and z tonight. I told you last week.” Nope, they didn’t tell you. Again, they just want to confuse you. Sometimes, they may be going where they say, and there will be those times they might want you to pick them up. Most of the time, it’s just more lies.
15. “If you hadn’t, then I wouldn’t.” They probably got you so down, so you reacted, then they blamed you. Again, all to mess with your mind. Know the full story of their actions and yours.
16. “If you loved me, you would.” Guilt trip to break down your Boundaries. If they loved you, they wouldn’t want you doing things you feel uncomfortable with. They would respect and love you for who you are, just like you do others.
17. “They’re only a friend. You read too much into everything.” No, actually, most likely you didn’t. Your instinct is telling you something: if they have narcissistic traits or abuse you, run for the hills and never look back.
18. “Why do you have to spoil everything.”You didn’t actually cause a problem. They probably did something to get a reaction from you. Narcissists are rather negative people and spread that negativity around. They are also Jealous And Envious people, so if something isn’t about them, they will find a way to make it about them. All you can do in this situation is know your own truth and leave them to theirs.
19. “You make everything so difficult.” that’s usually when you’ve worked out what they are, and you’re no longer reacting. You’re only responding. Now, they are struggling to get any positive or negative attention from you.
20. “That’s just like you.” When you’ve found your boundaries and you’re sticking to them. This is great. Yes, you know your worth if they can not break down a boundary of yours. Brilliant, you’ve come so far in taking control back of your life.
21. “You need a mental evaluation.” No, you just need to get away from the narcissist, heal and recover.
22.“You’re selfish.” Again, no, you are not. Stick to your own boundaries. The only people who don’t like your boundaries are those who benefit from you having none.
23 “You’re too hung up on your past relationships.” Well, if you’ve dated a few narcissists, that could be true. Either way, your instinct is telling you to run.
24 “I’d never hurt you.” Nope, they’ll just steal your mind, heart and health, possibly your home and children, then walk into the sunset with someone new, but to the narcissist, it’ll be all your fault. It is never ever your fault, and no one deserves to be treated how they treat people. Look for patterns in behaviour when you meet new people, how respectful they are to others, also if someone repeatedly lets you down or hurts you, who they are, no matter what you do, it’ll not change them, all you can do is leave them be.
25. “You’re insecure.” No, your instincts are screaming at you, but thanks to the narcissist’s gaslighting manipulation, you’re not sure what they are saying. Always trust your instincts. Even when you don’t know what they are saying, they are usually right.
A narcissist will hook you in with the Idealisation/ love-bombing phase, then slowly Devalue you without you even knowing through their many methods of manipulation.
What’s the kryptonite? No reaction. If you can go, no contact, do it. That’s the best revenge and karma on a narcissist if not Grey Rock. Or level up.
A narcissist has the mentality of a young child who has been caught with a bar of chocolate in hand, knowing they shouldn’t have it. Still chewing on some, with it all down their top, on their hands and face covered. When you ask the child, have you eaten chocolate before your dinner? They may smile and say, “No.” A narcissist is just that of a child who never learned why it’s wrong to lie blatantly. Most children lie out of fear, only human reactions, yet as they grow, they learn from mistakes, they learn and understand respect for each other and boundaries, and learn to say sorry, then change their behaviour so they don’t have a need to apologise for the same mistakes. Somewhere in a narcissistic world, they miss this step out and end up in an adult’s body, throwing temper tantrums.
Check these out!
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Why they ruin special occasions.
You are so spot on in your comments. Talking about temper tantrums- boy can they throw them. If they were a child I’d paddle their backside and put them in their room. I so want to treat my narc like the toddler he is. It disgusts me to watch him throw a temper tantrum or blame everyone else when something goes wrong. I so badly want to tell him to “man up” and take responsibility for his actions, but it would be a waste of my time and breath. Our own daughter doesn’t really want to be around him, but she’s kind enough to tolerate him.
“Narcissists and how to spot them” should be a mandatory class for all students in High school.