What Is Not A Narcissist?

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The word narcissist is growing with greater awareness day by day, yet we can all have some narcissistic traits, doesn’t mean we are a narcissist, if you can love and care for others, help others, have empathy, you are not a narcissist, and some exes, bosses, friends, family members and neighbours are just simply twits, to me there is good narcissism and bad narcissism, in life most things tend to have an opposite, the good vs the bad, the highs vs the lows, pleasure vs pain, positive vs negative so someone who works hard to achieve might not be a narcissist, someone who uses all others to achieve could be a narcissist, someone who has confidence, yet is kind to others is not a narcissist, someone who is arrogant and hurts others could be a narcissist. Someone who is in control of their life is not a narcissist, someone who is controlling others could be a narcissist.

So what is not a narcissist?

These things and many more often get mistaken for but on there own is not actually someone having narcissistic personality disorder, so things like, kids or adults taking selfies, that are making memories and sharing, people having plastic surgery to feel better about themselves, wanting certain things your way, being selfish and putting own needs first, people saying no because if they said yes, they’ed be saying no to themselves, arguing your point, when you’re truly passionate about something or your beliefs, if you are seeing others opinions, yet sticking with your own, opinions, values and beliefs. being driven to achieving, doing the best you can in your life, finding your and being confident, being opinionated. Spoilt kids, people looking in every mirror on there own none of theses means you or others are on the narcissistic personality disorder, nothing wrong with good health narcissism, knowing your value, your boundaries and your worth, wanting more for your life, most people fear taking the steps to saying no and stopping people pleasing, or showing their growing confidence after a narcissistic relationship, for fear they are turning into one, which simply isn’t true, the oxygen mask on that airplane, we are told to rescues ourselves first, this feels uncomfortable to some, and airlines know this, exactly why they make a point every time you board a plane, this isn’t to be selfish, it’s so everyone takes care of themselves first, so they can then be at there personal best to take care of those around them, if those instructions were not given, if the worst was to happen, we’d have hands flying everywhere, unorganised chaos, at a life threatening time when emotions would be running high, so they need organised chaos, everyone putting it on themselves first, then helping others, this is to save lives, not to be hurtful or mean to the person sitting next to you, now if someone is going to put their oxygen mask on, then rip yours off they are people you need to walk away from, those who put theirs on whilst at the same time trying to help others too, are incredible walk with those, and those who put their own on then help other are also the people you want in your life. Everything has different capabilities especially in panic, some will need to focus on one thing at a time, others can do two things at once calmly, and then there are those who will only ever be about themselves.

Yes, they are behaviours that are similar to narcissism but It doesn’t make you or them a narcissist.

Negativity breeds negativity, so constantly being around someone who’s negative, can bring that out in you, constantly being around someone who’s narcissistic can also bring that side out in you, doesn’t mean you or they are a narcissist, it can simply mean you bring the worst out in each other, a clash of personalities, creating a toxic relationship. Now if they are abusive mentally or physically, if they are narcissistic or not ( most likely they are.) no one deserves to be treated this way and it’s time to walk away.

Yes as the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum there is those who once you know who they are, what they do, who you are and what to and not to do, you can manage yourself around them, they will never be able to manage themselves around you on a continuous basis as they have a disorder it’s who they are, and without cognitive reflection skills, they lack the ability to learn from their own mistakes, and as we are human we all make them, difference is we learn from ours, they just blame all others and cycle around the same pattern, and there is those who are extremely dangerous and you need to safely get away from them.

Just like people who don’t like being criticised, that on its own even with some of the above, doesn’t mean that they are a narcissist, they could have just suffered from some form of trauma in their past, not fully healed and have their shield up, if this is you, I have plenty of different advice, but a few that seems to help people the most with this are, watch for constructive criticism, are they genuinely trying to help you or sink you? a few do struggle with receiving criticism after a narcissistic relationship due to all the toxic seeds planted to create self-doubt within our own minds, be it with a parent, partner boss, friend whoever they were in your life, the constant put-downs and criticism leaves us with that self-doub. And low self, this does not make you a narcissist, not all struggle to overcome this but most do, so please remember when we do anything new most likely at first it’s going to suck, my first few post had so many grammatical errors due to the fact I’m dyslexic, with learning as I go and the help of Grammarly I improve, like a baby learning to walk, some make it look easy and are up and off before the age of one, others take their sweet time, yet they keep going and they learn, we are all individuals and when trying new things it feels uncomfortable, it can become hard, we can feel not good enough, yet just like we were as that baby learning to walk we kept going until we learned how to do it, and that’s all you need to do now keep going, yes people might put you down, those people who are not supportive are not your people, your dreams are yours for you not them, keep your dreams and achieve them, those who seek to put you down and hurt you, either need help and support themselves or need leaving alone, don’t worry about what other say, I know that’s not easy, but learning and knowing your truth it becomes easier.

People who suffer have suffered from narcissistic abuse, at the time do not see they are being abused, the ones who tell are not always believed. Courts, judges, police, the therapist often do not understand narcissistic abuse, they are asleep don’t stay quiet, we are in this together to wake up the nation and get the awareness, help and support out their, so people no longer suffer in silence and alone, and so people rise back up to find their joy and happiness again and move forward to a much better life. The past is the past, we can not change it, we can use the present to change the future as that’s not yet written.

People often question things like. They can not be a narcissist they always take their kids out? they can not be a narcissist, they don’t care about their looks? They can not be a narcissist they don’t post selfies? They can not be a narcissist, they are not in a high powered job? This isn’t always true. Just because they don’t take selfies doesn’t make them a narcissist and doesn’t make them not one, showing kids out in public again neither makes them not one or one.

If people can take responsibility for their own actions, if they do not tell countless lies, if they are not envious of all those around them, if the can see reality, if they don’t exploit people and leave a wake of destruction in their past, if they don’t accuse you of things you didn’t say or didn’t do, if they can appreciate consequences and learn from experience, if they do not destroy everything and everyone around them, if they don’t start arguments out of anywhere, if they’re not manipulative, not abusive, don’t gaslight. If they don’t seem incapable of listening or understanding others, if they don’t believe they’re entitled to anything and everything they want, regardless of how it hurts those around them. If they don’t blame absolutely everything on you, if they don’t blame circumstance on others, if they don’t accuse you of feelings you do not have, if they don’t explode of the slightest thing, if they take responsibility for their own actions, if they don’t twist words, don’t disrespect, if they don’t attack people for no reason, if they don’t believe people are plotting against them, if they don’t drive a wedge between those around them. They are most likely not a narcissist.

If they have one or two, they are not a narcissist. Good people can explode we all have our limits of the amount of pressure we can take, losing your s**t because you’ve been pushed past that point does not make you or them a narcissist. If you pass responsibility back to the rightful owner, when it was them, this does not make you a narcissist.

Narcissism is present in all areas of the narcissist life, there is no moment in this person life they are not a narcissist. It is characterised by the inability to distinguish from the external world and other people. They have a disorder it’s who they are. Yes they can put a grand act on around those they are not around too often, yet you will see how they act differently around different people, and we can also do this, someone who’s lost a child most are not going to go on and on about their child and how proud they are, (a narcissist most likely will.) yet they will chat about how proud they are with those they can, good people can be sensitive to the thoughts and feeling of others, a narcissists can only truly think of themselves, then come out with. “I was only joking.” When they hurt someone else. Yes people can make mistakes and the will apologise and try not to do it again, a narcissist, however will hit repeat on those same mistakes, then blame someone else, never accepting responsibility, not being able to change their behaviour as they have a disorder and can not see the error of their ways. You can not teach them either, it did not start with you and it will not end with you, people have to be willing to learn from mistakes to be able to change.

If they are incapable of true empathy, if they go around exploiting others, if they are abusive, if they can not see people as people, if they are incapable of seeing reality correctly, they think feelings are facts, if they are violent, if they can not compromise they are actually deep within themselves deeply unhappy people who can not understand the cause of their own misery, they only see others as causing them this misery, not all act vain, powerful or self-assured, yes the grandiose do, if they don’t want to change as they make themselves happy playing lots of people like puppets, they have so many admiring them, so many hating them, yet conforming because they fear them. They feel great power, the victim narcissist do not.

People are becoming afraid that they are a narcissist when they are not. People are also accusing people of being a narcissist when they are not.

If they have empathy for others, if they have an ability to compromise, if they are willing to learn from mistakes, if they can be reliable, if they can accept constructive criticism, they are most likely not a narcissist, I say most likely as we all know most narcissists can put on a grand act of an abundance of charm and without physical abuse, sometimes it’s hard to genuinely know, so another is can they be genuinely pleased for others success, again people do get jealous of others, and those who do need to learn the ability that the only person they are in competition with is themselves, and yes those who’ve been hurt badly can slip into the why me, someone who puts you down, lets you down and hurts you could just be a negative person, narcissistic or not, you don’t need hurtful people in your life

This is about what is not a narcissist, I know I’ve compared a little to what is, so what is, someone who has no genuine empathy when you needed them, someone who can hurt you, and you chase after them to get their help and support and they still ignore you, someone who exploits others, someone who drains others of anything and everything they can, and someone with those repeat patterns of behaviour.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Video to see if you are really dealing with a narcissist.

Does The Narcissist Miss Me, And How To Stop Missing Them.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

To explain more about whether a narcissist misses us, first, we have to understand what they actually feel.

So what do they feel?

When it comes to most forms of emotions that people normally feel happiness/sadness, pleasure/pain. Love/hate narcissists are different and in some aspects they are dead when it comes to positive emotions, as they mostly get these by hurting, using and exploiting others, and they don’t feel them in the same way that we do, some don’t feel them at all. Yes they can put an amazing act on, they have learnt from others, music, films what it looks like, so they can mirror these but as they feel entitled and above all others, they want to be the star of the show, and as most don’t feel positive emotions on a genuine level, they can not keep up the act with those closest to them, they do not feel the usual emotions or empathy with regards to those around them. They have an awareness. Even those on the lower end of the spectrum that perhaps don’t have the awareness of what they are, or what they do, and those on the higher end who are aware, as they are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, once they’ve made their own minds up that whatever they have said or done is someone else’s fault they genuinely believe it is someone else fault, why they are so convincing with the twisted lies they tell, the blame-shifting and gaslighting they do with such truths behind them as that is for most of them their truth and their reality. Those that possibly have an awareness of the fact they feel different from others. They understand and have awareness of what they do to others and how it affects them, they simply don’t have the empathy to care. Of course there is also those with the disorder that just believe everyone else feels the same as they do, so they use and abuse before they think they will get used and abused, sometimes this is caused from going into fight mode through their own personal childhood trauma, this is no excuse to go around trying to sink others, as plenty of people can and do recover from trauma with the right help and support.

Most feel great power, when they get people to please them, it gives them a great surge of energy and drives them forward to continue. They feel at their personal best when they are in control. It is a necessity for them to feel this great power and it’s also addictive. They meet their human needs in negative ways that I shall link explains more about this. Emotions they do feel. shame, jealousy, hate and anger. These are not pleasant emotions to live with, as most of us know, negativity breeds negativity and when around these people with their gaslighting, projection and blame-shifting. We often end up with these emotions In Place of our joy and happiness. Why most people question if they are the narcissist once out. First if you have empathy towards others, try to help others, don’t exploit others, you are not a narcissist, yes we can all have been an enabler at some point, yet at the time of doing what we did, our intentions were good, and done with what we believed to be right, you can let go of that guilt, I shall also add the video on this same as reactive abuse, if you’ve done this, it’s normal and you’re not alone, we are human we make mistakes, everyone has a limitation especially when they are having the thing they are most passionate about used against them to provoke reactions, the difference is, we can become more aware, learn and grow from our mistakes, and mistakes get made when emotions are on a high, whilst they continue down the same path of blaming all others, they love their lives stuck on a pattern of repeat. They enjoy getting reactions from people to feel powerful and recognised, whether that’s praise and positive reactions or angry and negative reactions, they want to be the centre of attention and do what they can to achieve this at any given moment.

They feel the harshness when people criticise them, they feel anger and rage, even if it’s constructive criticism, or when you might not have actually meant anything by what you said, they’ve just perceived it as criticism. why they respond to criticism in various ways, from sulks to silent treatments, put-downs and invalidating who we are, to gaslighting and blame-shifting, provoking those arguments so we react, then they will twist and it’s always than our fault within their own minds. They feel jealous when they are not the centre of attention, they feel very frustrated when they can not make people do exactly as they want. They feel great envy when they see people with a better house or car. They feel hatred for those who wake up from their trance they put us under, see through their games and walk away from them, to them we have turned against them, why most go all out in their mass smear campaigns, they feel anger, resentment and bitterness towards us, and they feel a need to try and seek revenge. Those negative feelings are very strong within themselves, they do not often feel emotions like happiness, joy, sadness, guilt, remorse, empathy etc they are mostly if not completely absent. They have emotional paralysis. They do not feel sympathy for those around them, if you’re watching and comment on a charity, they’ll feel the attention slip away from themselves. They might make remarks like “ don’t bother they’ll not get any money” to get a reaction from you.

They see and learn from those around them what these emotions look like, they can engage and know what these feel like to you. They simply can not feel it within themselves.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so please be careful, they is those you can learn to manage yourself and your time around so they no longer impact your life or your emotions, their is also those who have a complete disregard for other humans and you need to safely get aways from.

So how did they get this way? Did they never feel any of the usual emotions in good people? Did something happen to take it away? Did someone take it away? Did they take it away from themselves? Are we all with born with empathy compassion, joy? Or is this is a learnt behaviour, we know we are born with an instinct to survive, we are born to scream and demand and get our needs met. So do we learn the other emotions as we grow? So did they once have compassion, joy, love, sadness, empathy and it was halted or stopped and didn’t develop further? Did they ever have it, to begin with? Or were they simply created this way, created differently, so that they can achieve and climb to the top without a care of who they trample over to get what they want and get their demands and needs met. Not everyone at the top is a narcissist although they’ll have more narcissist traits. Just like not all narcissist are at the top, some don’t make it usually making them the victim narcissist. Although with all narcissist if they don’t get what they want it’s always someone else’s fault.

As for laughter, they will laugh along with others if it’s something they’ve said to make people laugh. Again they are aware of what laughter looks like and what it means to others so they know how to act. They get jealous of people around them are laughing at others and not themselves, they hate seeing others get the praise they take it as criticism towards them and want it for themselves. Have you ever been on a lovely day out, someone else’s birthday party, all is going well then out of nowhere they’ll cause an argument or a seen over nothing because they feel envy that it’s not about them, that they’re not making everybody happy this is simply done to get a reaction and emotions from you. So they themselves can gain their power back. They will not show fury or rage in the beginning or in front of others as they don’t want the mask to slip.

Now you know how they feel you know the best thing to do is simply walk away and make your life great. If you’re after revenge this is the best. As they will never be able to live as you do. And they’ll hate not getting any reactions from you.

Do they miss us?

In most ways no not at all especially if they have someone new to slowly torture, mentally and some do so physically, as most don’t connect with those positive emotions to create those happy memories, they don’t miss those good times, as they connect to the negative they blame it all on us, they are people of objects, so if who they are with now isn’t meeting a need of theirs, they will remember the things you provided for them, money, homes, cars, meals etc and they will miss those, if they see you doing well for yourself again and happy again, they want a piece of that so most do try to swoop back in to pull us under again, so no they don’t miss us for the right reasons, that they genuinely love and care for us, they miss us for the wrong reasons of what we provided for them, even if we only gave them attention, they miss that attention.

So how can we Stop Missing them?

When you are still attached to a toxic person, it’s like an addiction and we are weaning ourselves of a drug, those highs and lows of the relationship release natural chemicals within our bodies, no contact is best, if that’s not possible, limited contact and grey rock.

When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic negative person and you keep going back to them, giving them chance after chance, for them to hurt you all over again.

One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, then they reappear wanting you back, mental abuse has so many effects, whilst you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault, it is never your fault, no one deserves to be treated this way, hers a few top methods to try and move past this to Stop Missing them and start enjoying your present, then creating a much happier future.

  1. Write down the story you are telling yourself and then next to it write the truth. Things like.
  • We had an amazing connection.

They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.

  • They can change.

They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it, what’s different now? Nothing they will not change,

  • It was my fault they acted that way.

No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.

  • We could make it work this time.

What different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.

  • I’ll never find real love.

If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.

2. What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?

Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend, or anyone you care about if the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( if the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.

What would you be telling you, if you was them? this person is bad for you? they are toxic? they have a disorder? if they know about narcissism they may tell you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would tell you.

3. What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?

Think of a couple you know, if one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. Would you be telling them to run the other way? If it’s your parent or a close friend, what would you be telling someone if their parent was treating them, the way yours does you?

So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.

When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of story’s, with the help of twisted words from the narcissist, when you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.

4. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?

Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future, by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the ex to answer too.

5. Remember you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did, or perhaps you still think you do, you are entitled to care about them.

obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone is not love. It’s intense, it’s mistaken for love, you think it’s love it’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, it’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?

Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind “ it’s not love. It is an addiction, it’s not love. It is an addiction.”

6.stick to boundaries and no contact.

Set boundaries and stop all contact, Grey rock if they still see the children. At the start it’s going to be really hard, you will have withdrawals, keep going it gets easier. Do it now, you have to go through the withdrawals no other way, it’s far better to do it now, than in ten years time, after withdrawals you will reclaim your happiness.

7. Discover a new passion for you.

Replace that void, that they leave behind, with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy working on you and your life, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the routine you miss.

8. When you’re having down moments put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh

Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their, best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. You can and you will recover from this

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

How to scare away a narcissist.

Reactive Abuse.

Overcoming guilt.

Human needs.

Is The Narcissist One Big Illusion?

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Warning some triggers words, those that trigger, write them out if you can as those are the areas to work on so they no longer trigger you into pain, so you can find strategies to keep your sense of happiness and wellbeing up. So is it all one big illusion?

We fall madly, truly and deeply in love with the most amazing person we have ever met, yet is it real?

Those first few days, weeks, months and some lead us down the garden path for years, we believe we’ve met to most amazing, kind generous, loving person, some may seem to have had a real hard time, with everything their ex or their parents put them though, and they tell us all their pity plays, as they are always the victim or the hero and they are never the villain and we believe we know we can make them feel so much better, now with some people like ourselves that have been with a narcissist this could be true although to start most will blame themselves, so just watch out for previous patterns, which of course survivors can have as they hadn’t learned how they should be treated and accepted behaviour they never should have, just like us, often if you had narcissistic parents you fall for narcissistic partners as you believe it to be normal so if the person you are dealing with exploits others and feels entitled, you’re not dealing with someone who’s been a past victim or had possible PTSD you’re dealing with a narcissist, some survivors can still be very guarded, so just observing words and behaviour, do they admit to mistakes? Or question things? Or do they always blame all others? most importantly listening to our instincts, even when we are unsure as to what they are telling us, they are usually right, whether you got together with the victim narcissist or the grandiose, it was all an illusion the narcissist just manipulates us, from beginning to end, and most will try even after the relationship had ended.

They start off by finding out, everything they possibly can about us, from friends, family, social media, conversations with us and stalking through our social media, they will mirror all our likes and dislikes, they may come along as our hero, to good to be true, and yes, unfortunately, they are to good to be true,

They will then slowly, manipulate you, through gaslighting, projection, silent treatments, verbal abuse, pity plays, lying, cheating, threats, physical abuse, to slowly take away your self-esteem, self-trust, self-worth, your belongings.

That’s nothing compared to the aftermath, once you do finally escape them.

Once you are out. They somehow manage to fill every single bit of your headspace, you know it was all lies, all a great big con, but you’ve been left with so many questions, and endless emotions, that seem to be taking control of your life, even now you’re free of them, how is it possible they still have so much control of your mind, the trauma bond and all that manipulation does not help you process it all to move forward and it’s an uphill battle to start.

Not only have you got to wean yourself off them due to the trauma bonding, which is as hard as coming off any drug, you also need to rebuild your life from scratch, and learn the whole relationship was a complete lie and an illusion, the person you fell in love with never truly existed.

An illusion has several meanings and the narcissist delivers each one of these.

Illusion, an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted experience. We live the reality of the beginning when they treat us so well, and most deliver their promises to start, so when their admiration face fades, the one that seeks attention and acts so nice, and we get their hurtful face the envious one that seeks to destroy us, due to their manipulation we misinterpreted it as something we had done, when we did nothing, it’s who they are.

Illusion, a false belief or idea. Again with their two faces we are led to believe that false reality is them, which it truly is them, both sides, that’s who they were in that moment which makes it all the harder to see that no matter how nice they can be, they are also extremely hurtful and some are extremely dangerous, the bad side is not worth living through for those odd moments of their nice side. No one deserves to be abused and no one deserves to be treated so wrong.

Illusion, a deceptive appearance of togetherness. With all the false promises that they make, often to start they might have wanted to spend so much time with you, and promises of future plans together, just to walk away from each and every promises in the future.

So just how do they do what they do to us?

Some say being with a narcissist is all an illusion, which yes it is and not it is not, we live that actually life, we live those actual moments whilst we are with them on a day to day basis, as confusing and as hurtful the experience is, the reality we lived was real, what is the illusion is the narcissist and what they do to us, hideous mind games, to distort our memories, our realities, to sell us something, that isn’t even real, yet because it feels real, because in that moment when they are treating us so well, we live that reality it’s hard to see the extent of the dire situation we are truly in, and before we know it we are in deep and have to climb our way back out.

If they narcissist in your life was a parent, boss, friends, family member, neighbour or partner, the person you met, or the nice side to that person that you think you know, is not who they truly are, they can idolise us and raise us so high, so we truly believe they are a loving, kind, compassionate person, who will always look out for us and be their for us, this might not always be the case with parents depending on where they are on the spectrum, but as we are raised by them, we don’t know any different and even though we might find their behaviour towards us extremely hurtful and wrong, it can take years before we realise this isn’t how we should be treated, as for friends, bosses and neighbours, we might know some thing is not right, but as we believe people are good, and they seemed like genuine people when we first meet them it’s hard to see through the illusion of what they truly are, a partner will go all out in the idolisation stage to raise us so high, so we get tripped into falling head over heals In love with them.

They idolise us to draw us in like a moth to the flame, and once they have us close enough we get burned. With their devaluation stage. When we aren’t doing exactly what they want, exactly when they want, their envious face, they become jealous that we have a mind of our own, and they seek to take us down, yet as we live the reality of the idolisation stages, even though it’s all an act and an illusion to suck us in. Our minds become confused, and as they manipulate with all of their tactics, so we tread carefully, walk on eggshells and do all we can to help them, whilst slowly destroying ourselves, yet we just do not see it, especially as bam the nice admiration seeking face is back, idolising us again and making us feel great again, this reinforces within our minds that it must be us, it was never ever you, they confuse us by treating us better than anyone ever has, to then treat us worse than anyone ever has.

We fall in love with the lies of the person they sold to us. Then we have to deal with and overcome all the lies they deliver us.

Then out of nowhere they hit us with the devaluation stage, verbal abuse, put downs, telling us “you can not do that.” The overt or the covert. “I wouldn’t do that if I was you.” The silent treatments that cause us so much psychological pain, we question what on earth we did wrong and most often chase them, to avoid the drama and pain and to restore peace, then they will project and blame-shift and gaslight with. “You’re insecure.” “you’re just to sensitive.” “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” “That didn’t happen.” If only you’d.” “You look fat/too thin in that.” The overt. “I wouldn’t wear that if I was you.” The covert. The lie after lie, the cheating, false promises never delivered, which again is turned onto us, they exaggerate everything they do well or do good, even making things up so we question ourselves. “I did that for you last week.” “How can you not remember.” ” you’re losing your mind.” And the classic. ” you’re going crazy.” And “you need help.” How many of us end up in therapy due to all the manipulative mind games a narcissist throws at us to take us down, then of course they shall provoke an argument, especially when theirs a special Occasion happening that they’ll not be the centre of attention of, or when they are trying to take escape any part of their wrong doings, they will push, prod and poke, at all our, insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses, all the things that matter most to us, as these are the things we shall most passionately defend, so that we react, then they can either down play or forget what they did, and make a huge deal about what we did, so we take the blame and feel at fault, they will then guilt trip, pity play and triangulate, to break down our boundaries one by one, all this leaves us in a state of confusion, questioning our self-worth, our beliefs, our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions, our realities, our abilities, our trust and so many more. Often leaving us with, anxiety, trauma bonding, depression, CPTSD and health issues. Which then when they top it off by smearing our name to those around us, and we are left so disorientated, them telling us. “We are going crazy.” We actually genuinely feel like we are, not understanding it’s those very people telling us this, that’s sending us this way, and even when we get a break, to escape them and the fog lifts, those what seem to be never ending smear campaigns and mind games, with the help of the narcissists flying monkeys and enablers, who just do not see, like we once did not see, often isolated from any support, feeling like no one will ever understand, even the authorities seem to think we appear unhinged when we try to report them, and it’s soul destroying and devastating.

You are far from alone, this is happening to millions of people around the world, who understand exactly what you’ve been through as they’ve lived through the same, people are out their that want to help and support you through this, people have survived and moved onto a much, much happier more peaceful life and you will too. With awareness growing, people will get involved less and less, and one day young children will get the help and support they need so future generations don’t develop this disorder in the first place, unfortunately narcissistic psychopaths are born. But these types are the minority, narcissists and narcissistic sociopath seems to be a growing epidemic in modern day? Or is it just with social media and people being able to speak up and speak out, it’s just a growing awareness?

After devaluation often comes the discard, again this most often is another illusion, as days, weeks, months or even years later they can re appear, to try and suck us back into their lies, they come at us full of lies and false promises to change, and like many if you’re not recovered you take them back, the average is seven attempts to get out and stay out of this kind of relationship, so your not alone, we want to believe in that good person we think we see, and when they come back all charming, we want to make it work, only to learn time and time again, it’ll never work, they are who they are, and we realise enough is enough, we are worth so much more, it’s time as difficult and painful as it is, to walk away and rebuild our lives, because the short term pain in doing that, far out weighs the long term pain of the cycle of abuse they put us through.

The discard stage, this again is another illusion that holds us back. Back on that painful past which does not serve our happy future, and most of us do it, with everything we’ve been through it’s almost normal to do it, but at some point, you need to make a conscious effort to say enough is enough. No more it’s time to move on from this and stop dwelling on this, yes we all need to learn about NPD, we all need to gain that clarity and understanding of what we have been through, so we can learn from it and grow from it, and this makes people different time scales, depending on how long and how much they have personally been through, we need to process the pain, the grief, then we need to let it go and move on, for most there comes a point when they can still read, listen and learn about it, and it has no impact on their present or their future, the triggers slowly fade as they’ve created a new life, for others, there comes a point when they completely walk away from learning about it, which is ok so long as they understand and know enough not to fall back into it. What we focus on is what we become, no I don’t mean you focused on abuse so you got abuse, nobody deserves to be treated that way, when our minds are focused on the past, we stay stuck in that past, when we focus on fear, on the what-ifs, on the what will they do next, we are loving things within our minds that are not happening at that moment, when the smear campaigns hit, if we pay attention to them instead of ourselves and our truths, we focus more and more on why are they doing this? Why is this happening to me? The more we learn about what they do, the more answers we have to those whys, and at the same time we must focus on ourselves, on our new dreams on our new future on what will go right for us, the past is done, its happened and it needs leaving in the past, the present is the moment to find and create new things to be grateful for, to imagine a future of our dreams as the future is not yet written, and we have every opportunity and every possibility to write it as we now want to live.

As you move through recovery the realisations Of what’s truly happened can hit you one by one, and make no mistake they can hit hard, what you’ve been through, what they’ve done, what you’ve put up with, just how insidious they truly are, as the trance, the spell, the fog they put you in and under living under their illusion of their reality, working through our own guilt of being an enabler at times as we truly believed them and didn’t know or understand what our very own insecurities where shouting out at us. Make no mistake none of this is your fault whatsoever ever, no one asks for this and no one deserves this, we just get sucked into their games, and we do our absolute best to try and help and support them, believing they are a good person, not seeing, knowing or understanding the truth or the actual reality, due to their many manipulation tactics of our minds. And our minds are incredible things, as we see one reality, the illusion of the narcissist that plays nice, their admiration face, and they do it so charming, and so convincing as that’s who they are in that moment in time, yet it’s an illusion a cover up, an act, they don’t truly know who they are, why they change from one person to the other, from black to white, and with some this can take, days, months, weeks or even years, depending on what needs of theirs are being met. when they do all they can to portray themselves as a good kind loving person, when all they are truly doing is matching our likes and our dislikes, learning all our weaknesses which everyone has, learning all our insecurities, learning all our, strengths, goals and dreams, so they can match them, false promises to help and support us, to further down the line, Rip them wide open, one by one, take us down and try to destroy us, to devalue who we are little by little, as they feel criticism, or no longer in control, or jealous of us, so they feel a need to take us down. Some act on impulse others are extremely calculated, especially the malignant narcissist, as the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum some of them are severe, but no matter which kind or to what extent you’ve been through, we are individuals, with different tolerance levels and different pain thresholds, so it was as severe as it was to us personally. There are those who once we understand what they are and what they do, we can learn to limit our time with them, respond and never react, Observe and not absorb, others ,however, no contact is the only way, it’s not always easy, however it’s a must. If you haven’t left or you are about to, the time of leaving is the most dangerous time and you are at most risk, as they have lost control, so low end, high end or anything in between, do not let them know you are leaving, create a plan of escape, enlist any friends, family, authorities, domestic violence support groups for help. To make sure you get out safely.

You know you are an honest, unconditional loving kind of person that wants to help others and you do not want to change.

The strength of character you have, is often why the narcissist picked you out in the first place meaning, you have every ability, to start your life over and make it bigger and better than it ever was before.

You can learn to trust your instincts, rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth, rebuild your bank balance. They never can, it’s a journey, but believe me, if you work at it and you keep working at it you will get to where you want to be, nows the time to do what you want when you want, without having to answer to anyone. Create new dreams just for you, get any help and advice you need moving forwards, you are not alone in this. Stay strong and keep going, stay no contact or grey rock, always and forever.

Yes you might have to process some pain from this video but do not stay stuck on it, write things out, scream things out, grieve, you’re allowed to grieve, then step out of that negative past, and go watch something or do something that make you smile or laugh, find a photo or think about something that shifts your state of mind out of the pain and onto something that brings you inner joy.

As much as we need the answers to our whys? As much as we need to give ourselves closure, and as much as we need to learn about these people so we can avoid them in the future.

The most important part to recovery is learning about ourselves.

Write down all the good things about you, find them and write them.

Write down the things you enjoy doing for you.

Write down where you’d like to be six months from now.

Get creative and make that vision board, or make a picture collage of your future something that makes you smile and have it as your screen saver.

Now think about three things you a truly grateful for in your life no matter how big or how small.

Think of one thing you’re working towards to become, have or do six months from now, and take action on it today, again no matter how big or how small, and recognise that achievement.

Ways to stop missing the narcissist.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse:

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Five Reasons A Narcissist Discards You.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Due to the possible trauma bonding through all the highs and lows with the narcissist. Alienated from friends and family, left with CPTSD, you may also have anxiety and health problems, your energy levels may have been drained, you’ve lost who you are, your self-worth, self-love, trust, money, homes and so much more, the narcissist discard can be incredibly painful and cruel, and most often when you need them the most, although not always, as although you haven’t known or seen all the mental abuse, you’ve most often being isolated from support so they are the one you turn to for support, not that they truly ever give it. Trying to understand who they even were, trying to understand what’s actually happened isn’t an easy process, it gets easier and life gets much happier once you break that trauma bond, build yourself back up and become happy again.

The narcissist gives you no explanation as to why they have left, often to add to your confusion they will within days or weeks will have most likely met someone new, some can get a flying monkey to make sure you know about this. Others enjoy hiding away, either way you’re left questioning what happened. You want closure as most people do, yet the narcissist will not give you any. Here are five reasons why the narcissist discards you.

1. The one where they don’t actually end it, yet they disappear without a word. You might have worked out something isn’t right, either someone from the outside has been slowly giving you doubts or your struggling with reality and you just know something isn’t right, even though you might not know what. Your instincts are loud and you’ve stopped saying how high, every time they ask you to jump, So they discard you, usually disappearing without a word to upset and confuse you even more, with the trauma bond you may call and message them, giving them an emotional reaction. You may have stopped reacting to them how you used to and because of financial reasons or children you’ve not left or you are scared to leave, they haven’t got a replacement lined up yet so they understand by disappearing on you is a way to get reactions from you, and get you to beg them to come home.

2. They’ve driven you to the depths of despair, you feel like you no longer want to live, depression, anxiety, can no longer function on a day to day basis, health problems. All caused by the manipulation and abuse you’ve been suffering from at the hands of the narcissist, during devaluation I believe they don’t want to completely Finnish you off, sometimes they take it too far, some of us end up having a mental breakdowns at the hands of them, therefore you are no longer meeting any of their needs they are no longer the centre of attention, they are no longer getting any reactions from you. You are now the one in extreme need of help and support and they simply do not want to, the can not care for you on a genuine level and will not give it, they will only do so if they have something to gain.

3. They’ve found a replacement, they might have had countless affairs in the past, yet now they managed to idolise and secure someone new whos only giving them positive reactions and filling their cup full of holes up, they new isn’t questioning their behaviour, and they find it easier being with the new. whilst it’s going good with the new they will up and leave, be careful though, when the relationship goes the same way as yours did with the new most will come back to hoover you.

4. Exposure, you may have worked them out, as you have empathy you care and love for them, so you’re doing all you can to help, they will start a smear campaign against you fast, before you start reaching out to others. You might have managed to inform people before the narcissist got to them, the narcissist will take this a criticism that you have turned against them. People start taking your side, so they have to leave and leave fast as they do not take responsibility and never feel as though they are accountable, they will not be held accountable, they believe you’re just out to destroy them and people are turning against them.

5. You’ve stepped out of the darkness and into the light, you know exactly what they are what they need and how to destroy them, you no longer fear them, so you fire criticisms at them with no emotions. You want to punish them for all they’ve put you through and you know exactly how to do it. Yet they’re not going to allow this to happen, if they can not take you down without risk of taking themselves down, they are going to drop you and run. With no closure given as you’ll know as you’ve worked out what they are. Be careful though, most narcissistic people will seek revenge months or years later.

It’s not an easy or straight forward journey recovering from narcissist abuse, more and more secrets and lies come out as you start, lots of things to learn and put into place, looking deep and healing deep within yourself, however with the right steps it is Possible.

Tony Robbins six human needs, and how to use these to help with your recovery.

The need for Certainty to feel safe and secure, ways to refill it positive.

    Set your self small tasks at first and

Make sure you complete each one.

  • Start new routines, either a 10 minute one in the morning or evening, then slowly add more each day.
  • Eating healthy, start small, baby steps, exercise, meditation or yoga.
  • Set small achievable goals to start it’ll give you the self-belief, confidence and drive to keep going.
  • Start an online course, college or uni, read books that fill you with knowledge.
  • Have a backup plan for different outcomes.
  • Set a time for yourself, if that’s getting up earlier or however you can give yourself some time to relax each day.
  • Join support groups, reconnect with friends and family.

The need for Uncertainty, feel different, challenged, change, surprises. You might be filling the need heavily a little too heavy at the start, how to fill it positively.

  • Read new books, learn something different.
  • Step out of your comfort zone, start smiling at others, walk a little further, order something difficult, try a new meal, try a new restaurant.
  • Take a risk on something that could turn out positive.
  • Travel somewhere new.

The need for love and connection. The need to feel togetherness, compassion and warmth.

  • Becoming none judgmental of yourself.
  • Learning to be who you are and love who you are.
  • Learning to trust and tune into your instincts.
  • Being kind and helpful to others.
  • Not judging others.
  • Reading with your children.
  • Support groups who are positive and understanding.
  • Being supportive of others and none judged of others.
  • Helping others out.
  • Letting that car pull out in front.
  • Opening or holding a door for a stranger or someone you know.
  • Doing something kind for someone else that no one knows about.

The need for significance. To feel important, needed, special, unique.

  • Finding the meaning of your life.
  • Providing for others the best you can.
  • Helping others out, giving back,
  • Making contributions to others.
  • Giving to charity.
  • Support others.
  • Helping out at school or with charity,
  • Become a better version of yourself.
  • The way you dress.
  • Tattoos.
  • Piercings.

The need for contribution. Giving, leaving a mark, helping, serving. Contributing to others.

  • Contributing beyond yourself.
  • Serving others at work.
  • Helping others online offering support.
  • Donate.
  • Volunteer.
  • Doing good deeds for others.
  • Brightening someone’s day with a smile or a joke.
  • Looking after your children.

The need for Growth. Developing, strengthening, learning.

  • Reading books.
  • Listening to motivational videos.
  • Learning about narcissism and how to handle them.
  • Having a career change.
  • Starting a new job.
  • Becoming a better person.
  • Working out.
  • Learning new things.

There are plenty of positive ways to fulfil your human needs in positivity ways and some things like learning new things or exercise can meet three of these to get you positivity addicted. Remember you are worthy, you do deserve more, you are beautiful, caring and kind.

Most people who recover from narcissistic abuse learn all about narcissism, not only will it fill a lot of your human needs, it also helps you understand what you went through and how to handle them. Why they do what they do. Whilst learning all about who they are and what they do, you must also start to use you’re present day to work on your future and where you’d like to be six months from now.

We are all individuals, we take the steps in our own timescale and our own order, what works for one may not work for another, keep going, keep learning, keep growing, be exactly who you want to be for you in the present moment, and keep updating your mindset to create who you want to become in the future. Reach out to others, whether that to receive help or give help, most people in the world want to help and most people want to be helped.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

The rollercoaster ride of recovery.