Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.
When you know they are bad for you, they make you so unhappy, they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and so many more. It’s soul crushing. Yet because they came in as the love of your life. As they can treat you better than anyone ever has, yet worse than anyone ever has, this causes deep trauma bonds from the chemicals your body releases during the relationship. Even when you see the pattern of abuse, it’s extremely difficult to let go of that love you have for them.
We remember all the good times, then with the emotional connections to those good times, wanting them back, knowing we can get them for a short time, yet knowing we must let go is pure torture for us at times. Most of us bury the negative horrible times deep down, often blaming ourselves and never really bringing them back up. Think of one moment when they brought you to your knees, either completely lost upset, heartbreak, hurt, angry, and ask yourself. What did I do.? What did I really do to deserve that? The answer should be nothing. As no one deserves that, yet because the project, manipulate and blame shift, your reactions to their provoking always and twist words we end up blaming ourselves. It’s never ever your fault. Now think of all the good you did for them. Why would anyone treat you so bad? Because they have a problem, not you. They can not accept love, you are not the problem.
If you really want to let go, flip those around, often we don’t because that’s hard, it’s going to be painful and we want to avoid that pain. The easiest option to go for is the pain of losing someone we love and still loving them, yet this only continues our inner pain. Once you flip it around remember the bad times, the hurtful negative times, work through them, you start to distance that love, it may turn hate, keep going until it turns to nothing.
You have to face the fear and the pain to move past it.
Don’t lose the good times. When you think you love and miss them, think about the bad times and why you’re better without them.
Once you let go, you begin to forgive you and forgive them, forgiveness doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviour. forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.
Write down all those bad memories, get them all out to release them.
Think of it as someone you really care for showing you this. Put yourself in the advisors shoes. What would you tell someone you really cared about, what advice would you give those who’ve been through what you have.
Talk therapy, Seek help from someone you can talk to who understands you.
If you’re stuck with them in your head space and you don’t want them their, think of the present moment. When they subconsciously crop up. Consciously remove them from your mind.
As they also fill your human needs at a subconscious level, this also keeps you addicted to them.
Love and connection. You love someone, you have a partner, you’re connecting when they treat you right in a positive way, yet connected when they treat you right in a negative way.
Significance. At times they make you feel insignificant so fill it negatively, at times when they want your help, you feel good helping them so it gets filled positively.
Certainty. Your certainty your in a relationship and have routines, sometimes the certainty is positive sometimes negative.
Uncertainty. As you never know what mood they’ll be in next, what they’ll do next. Why they are doing what they do, a narcissistic relationship fills your need for uncertainty.
Growth, when they come back and you try again, you feel like you’re growing and changing together, this never truly fulfils growth as it’s only ever temporary.
Contribution. All the things you do for them, fills your need for contribution on a sky-high level, as you’re always giving more and more to them whilst you slowly lose yourself.
As Tony Robbins said, who discovered the human needs. You can fill these negatively, neutrally or positively and when you do something either by, action, emotionally or experience and when one thing fills three of these needs you become addicted. So narcissistic relationship is highly addictive.
You can fill these needs in other ways to break the bond.
Love and connection, significance, growth and contribution. many who’ve been through abusive relationship often go forward to help other, if this is a career change, to helping children from abusive relationships, social worker, psychologist, guidance counsellor, or helping on support groups, you feel connected as you’ve had similar story’s. You feel like you’re contributing, you feel like you’re learning and when you’re learning you’re growing. Learn to love yourself again, and those good people around you. This also helps uncertainty as you step into the unknown and start a new thing. Certainty creates new routines, new dreams, start new hobbies, meet new people, read. There are many positive ways to fill those human needs back up and live a much happier life.