The Difference Between A Narcissists Behaviour And Protecting Yourself.

You are not the same.

Coming to the realisation you’ve been abused mentally by any narcissist in your life, be it a friend, boss, partner, adult child or parent, it is devastating to realise you’ve been manipulated and taken apart bit by bit until you’ve been left confused, heartbroken and not sure where to start in rebuilding your life, it is devastating.

First, be proud that you’ve taken steps to find out more and take control back of your life. Sometimes the advice on the internet can be confusing, as most survivors at some point question if they are the narcissist. The information on how to handle them can seem narcissistic, so here are a few examples and the difference between a narcissist and you.

Silent treatment and no contact.

The narcissist uses the Silent treatment to cause you pain. The silent treatment is psychological abuse. To get you to doubt yourself, blame yourself and do all you can to make it up to the narcissist to relieve yourself from the pain, the silent treatment is used to hurt you, punish you, control you.

No contact is not to cause them pain, and it’s not to get them to come running and apologise. It’s not used as a punishment. It’s to kindly walk away from someone who continues to let you down and hurt you. It’s to protect yourself from the narcissist’s negative, toxic, hurtful ways. It’s to leave them in your past, so they can go left and get on with their lives, and you can go right and move on to a much happier life for yourself.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

The narcissists ”I’m sorry you feel that way.” Is to shift the blame for anything they have done onto you, or anything they haven’t done that they promised to do, so the narcissist can avoid taking any responsibility for their own actions and remove all accountability, to cause you to React, so you might try to explain yourself to them, which they then twist and turn the conversation, leaving you frustrated and full of anger and resentment, those who’ve been around a narcissist will have noticed they never show genuine Empathy towards you, when you are hurt, angry, or emotional, either from actions they have done towards you or situations outside of your control that has happened in your life, they don’t help lift your spirits, acknowledge your feelings. Instead, they Invalidate them, pull you down, and make you feel worse.

If you are not able to go, no contact your “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It is used to defuse any argument, to stop them Twisting the story, to stop them from taking you off-topic, to stop yourself from taking all the responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behaviour, to prevent them from guilt-tripping you into doing something you told them you wouldn’t do, and pass the responsibility back to the rightful owner. Often you might actually feel sorry that they think the way they do or that they are unwilling or unable to understand a two-way Conversation and want to control everyone. Still, you have learned there is no reasoning with these people. With genuine people, feelings can be unintentionally hurt, yet you’d be able to talk it through, perhaps not straight away, but when one or both have calmed down. With a narcissist, it’s their way, or you’ll be punished way.

Discard and ending the relationship.

The narcissist’s Discard is often done in the cruellest and sometimes calculating ways, usually when you least expect it or when you need them the most. Again this is seemingly done to cause you as much psychological pain as possible, with no closure given, so you chase them for answers, which often helps their smear campaigns against you. You have to leave them to it and find your own closure. You’ll never get honest answers from a narcissist. The closest you’ll get to the truth is the smear campaign stories they told you about what others have done to them, which is often what they did to the other person. Parents can cut children off in cruel ways. Adult children, when mum or dad don’t do what they want, can cut their parents off in brutal ways.

When you end the relationship, as hard as it is, because often, as hurtful as they are, you care, you want to help them. You want to make it work, possibly still googling ( Can a narcissist change.) you believe you should be there for your parents, your child, your children to have a two-parent household as society claims it should be, you end the relationship because you know the long term pain of staying is worse than the short term pain of leaving, it’s not done to hurt them, it’s done to save yourself.

The narcissist hoover, when you want or take the narcissist back.

The narcissists’ Hoover or re-idealisation is done because they want something from you, not because they love or care, as they lack in genuine empathy to be able to care for you genuinely. The narcissist could just be in need of attention. It could be money, somewhere to live, a babysitter for the grandchildren, whatever they need. They come back to Idealise you because they want something from you. Once achieved, they will devalue you and discard you again as soon as things are not going how they want.

You took them back or wanted them again due to the Trauma bond, caring for them and wanting to help them, wanting to make the relationship work. To be there for your parents or your child, for wanting your partner to love you, doing your best to remember the good times, and most often with the narcissists Gaslighting which they Blame shifted all the problems onto you, you believe everything is your fault. Most people think if they change, they can make it work. You were never a problem. You tried as many ways as you could consider to make it work. The narcissist has a disorder. The disorder is the problem. It’s not an excuse. The disorder is a reason behind why no one will ever be good enough for a narcissist. You are good enough, and you are worthy. They are just too narcissistic to see you for you.

Smear campaign and talk therapy.

The Smear Campaign by the narcissist is done to annihilate your good character, so they are not exposed for exactly what they do to others. The anger and resentment they hold towards others, and as most blame all others, the smear campaign can be done to try and destroy those who dare to stand up to the narcissist and say No more.

You talking to others is to raise awareness, get help, and understanding of everything you’ve been through. Even if you go through a stage of wanting Revenge ( normal human emotions with what you’ve been through.), most genuine people do feel bad if they see a narcissist’s downfall caused by them. As you are not a narcissist, you will often feel guilt if you manage to hurt a narcissist.

Abuse and reactive abuse.

The narcissist’s mental or physical abuse is done to put fear into you, Intimidation to keep you trapped and do as they say. Arguments to twist you off-topic and have their own way. Threats to make you fawn ( with highly traumatic, dangerous situations, real or perceived.) people can Fawn, meaning they give in to the abuser’s demands, believing this will protect them from further harm.

We do all have to be responsible for our own actions and whether abuse is provoked or not, abuse is abuse. However, if you reacted, you most likely felt or feel guilty. You’ve got to let the guilt go and see the situation in its entirety. ( as a narcissist will gaslight you by downplaying their behaviour and exaggerating yours.) be responsible for our own actions and pass responsibility back for theirs, then learn people who bring out your ugly side as most people have their own limits, and people that push you to them are not the people you want in your life. This isn’t a case of learning self-control. It’ll be alright, although we are all responsible for our own actions, with people who do provoke you, sometimes the self-control needs to be no longer associating with them, leaving them to live their life while you go live yours.

Reactive Abuse is often done either because you’ve been pushed to your limits or to defend yourself.

Narcissist’s entitlement and your entitlement.

Narcissists feel entitled to have what they want when they want, with no regard to the feelings of those around them.

You’re entitled to live life how you want, and this is not done to hurt others or to exploit others.

The narcissist is putting all their needs first and your self-care.

The narcissist believes they are above all others and their needs come first no matter what harm it causes to those around them and with no empathy to who they hurt along the way of getting their needs met, they are selfish as they believe it’s all about them.

Self-care is so you can be at your best to give your best—self-care and putting your needs first. You’re not doing it to harm others. It’s to find your inner happiness to give your best to others.

The narcissist’s grandiosity and your confidence.

The narcissists charm is used to manipulate those around them for their own gain. A narcissist often feels great rage if criticised, and this isn’t genuine confidence. What they actually are is arrogant, which can at first come across as confidence.

Inner confidence is knowing who you are, who you want to be, so the toxic words of others no longer impact your life. Knowing you define you, looking at constructive criticism, yet not worrying about the judgement from others, this is your life for you, not for others to bring you down. You define who you are.

The narcissist is moving straight on, and if you date again soon afterwards.

Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live or to prove that they are not the problem; most narcissists will have a primary ‘golden someone.’ Golden child, golden worker, golden friend, and a ‘scapegoat.’ Who they pass all the blame onto, and the narcissist will switch roles on these people to meet the narcissist’s needs at that time. Most narcissists have a pattern of behaviour, moving from one person to another.

You’re looking for a life partner, someone to care for who cares for you, share life experiences with.

The narcissist’s parental alienation and your safeguarding of the children.

The narcissist uses Children to try and destroy the healthy parent, often causing psychological harm to the child also.

When your child becomes scared and anxious, you stop contact to help your child. No doubt you’ve tried all you can to keep contact until you were left with little to no choice. Most parents will have tried all they could to keep a relationship going with the child and the other parent, not always because they care for the parent because they care for the child and their beliefs become torn between the child having contact with the parent, and the child’s mental health.

Victim narcissist and a victim mindset.

The narcissist plays Victim to seek attention and smear the name of others, to gain attention and make people feel sorry for them, to avoid responsibility and to pass all the blame for things wrong within their life onto others.

You were the victim of an abuser, and most often for fear of judgment, perhaps you didn’t speak out, or if you did, it was to receive the help and support you need. Yet, you will move from the victim, into a survivor and onto the thriver. One day the stories you tell will be to help others through, not to gain sympathy.

Remember, you and the narcissist are not the same. They run around never genuinely admitting Fault, always blaming all others.

You took responsibility for everything, and you took all the blame. You tried to help and support them.

If the person you are dealing with has a narcissistic personality disorder or not, if they are mentally or physically abusive to you, they are not the people you need in your life. We can all be narcissistic. That doesn’t make us a narcissist. We can not diagnose others as having the disorder. Most professionals struggle to diagnose as a narcissist is a pathological liar. As most believe their lies to be the truth, they are compelling.

The easiest way to spot a narcissist is saying” No.” either ” Sorry, I’ve got plans.” or ”Sorry I am not ready for you to move in.” or sorry I don’t want to loan you money.” sit back and watch them tantrum, either by pleading with you, sulking at you, pity plays, the ”if you loved me you would.” and the rest. Now people not on the disorder can do this. Still, once they get what you’ve said, they will accept it, drop it and let it go. A narcissist, however, if you are dealing with someone on the disorder, in the idealisation stage, they might drop it. Still, at some point, they will try again, and again, and again, until they break down your Boundaries one by one. You need to know yourself so well, and you are not worried about judgment from others, offending others, as others opinions of you do not define you. You define yourself, and with good intentions, there’s no wrong way or right way to be who you want to be.

When we spend our lives living for the approval of others, we spend our lives frustrated, not knowing who we indeed are.

You’re not living this way to hurt people, you’re living this way to be yourself.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.


Reactive abuse.

Smear campaign.

Idealise, devalue, discard.

The Narcissists Coercive And Controlling Behaviour.

Is someone in your life, or have you ever had someone in your life controlling you without you even knowing it? You trust in others, believing and knowing we all make mistakes, yet we all love and care for each other. People surely don’t go around hurting and wanting to destroy others. How could they? We often think that is something that happens in movies or on very rare occasions. So when it happens to us, we are left questioning, Do they even have the essential compassion and empathy to care? Unfortunately, as a lot of you might already know or coming to realise, if a narcissist raised you or you had a narcissistic partner, some people simply only care about themselves only interested in meeting their own needs. What they gain from other people, then they throw you away, discard you, like you never truly mattered to them.

One criteria for the narcissist personality disorder is a lack of empathy, so narcissistic people are either unwilling or unable to identify with the feelings of another. Narcissists are exploitative, another criteria for the disorder, so they will happily take advantage of others to meet their own needs. They tend to require excessive admiration and often feel criticism when things aren’t going their way as they believe they are entitled, so narcissistic people have unreasonable expectations that others should just comply with their demands, and narcissists use many manipulation tactics to control those around them.

Coercive controlling behaviour is a pattern of behaviour where someone will covertly control another person’s life through perceived love or perceived fear.

A narcissist will covertly, so more often than not, subtly take control over another’s life without that person even realising. Narcissists don’t walk in and straight out take control over another’s life as most people would turn around and walk straight back out. Narcissists swoop in and sweep people off their feet, narcissists love-bomb, idealise, future fake, they breadcrumb, they reward and give intermittent rest bites. Narcissists use so many manipulation games to keep people unwittingly trapped within their relationship with them.

Coercive controlling behaviour is another pattern of behaviour a narcissist will use to keep control over another person.

A narcissist can coercively control someone out of perceived love, so the narcissist will influence the person into believing the narcissist is genuine, the narcissist loves and cares for the person, wants what is best for that person, or through perceived fear, whereas a narcissist is going to intimidate and threaten another into confirming to the narcissist’s demands, where people are too scared to stand up to the narcissist for fear of repercussions from the narcissist. A narcissist will do all they can to keep control over their reality and the perceived reality of those around them.

Nine signs some is trying to control your life without you realising what they are doing.

1. Controlling behaviour.

A narcissist wants to influence you into making decisions that suit them. They want to discreetly gain control over your day to day life while influencing you into believing you’re making your own choices. Often a narcissist will do this through perceived love, where they’ll be claiming they want what’s best for you, or through perceived fear, where the narcissist will threaten with some form of punishment if you don’t tow their line, or from reactions of the narcissist’s silence in the past, so you fear upsetting them and do as they say.

A Narcissist will try to control your feelings. They’ll go all out to influence you into feeling a way that is of benefit to the narcissist. If a narcissist wants negative reactions, they’ll provoke anger. If they want praise, they’ll offer those acts of kindness to provoke feelings of gratitude, and a narcissist will expect eternal gratitude.

A narcissist will try to control how you behave to help in their smear campaigns, where you go to isolate yourself from support, they’ll try to control your financial resources, they’ll try to control your hobbies and your career, to keep control over you and your life.

2. Isolation.

A narcissist will go all out to isolate you from support, isolating you from emotional support, isolation from financial support, isolating you from friends and family, hobbies and careers, creating atmospheres or environments. Hence, you have the minimal time and minimal resources to do the things you enjoy and be with the people who genuinely care. The narcissist might discredit your beliefs, invalidate your thoughts, and discredit the intentions of your friends and family, as once you’re isolated from support, it’s easier for the narcissist to gain control over your life.

3. A narcissists monitoring of you.

A narcissist will monitor your social media, your spending, your whereabouts, what you wear, what you eat, and when and where you sleep. A narcissist wants to monitor what you’re doing so they can control what you do.

A Narcissist will keep records of things they’ve done for you to use against you, “what about when I did.” They’ll keep records of times you haven’t done something for them, “if only you had, what about when you didn’t.“

Narcissistic people aren’t coming from a place of honesty, respect, loyalty, understanding, compassion, give and take. They’re coming from a place of control and getting everything their own way.

4. They don’t compromise.

Narcissists don’t settle disagreements. They create disagreements and then accuse you of trying to cause an argument. A narcissist will create conflict while playing the victim every time you need to discuss something, and they’ll claim you’re creating the drama or that they don’t want to argue, so nothing gets resolved.

A narcissist seeks to control you by finding any way they can to take your voice away from you.

Be careful stepping away from those who treat you in these ways as narcissistic people do not like losing control.

5. The narcissists guilt trips.

A narcissist will act all offended by your values, beliefs and your opinions when you create boundaries around who you are as a person. When a narcissist keeps a record, they’ll fire things back at you and say, “what about when I did this for you? You never did that for me,” to make you feel bad, to control your feelings to coercively control you through obligation into doing something for them that went again who you are. Or to guilt-trip you into not doing something for yourself that isn’t of benefit to the narcissist, isolating you, “so your friends are more important than me?” To stop you from going out and doing the things you enjoy doing.

Narcissists are looking to guilt trip you so they can sabotage who you are as a person. To control your finances. If you have children, they’re going to place as many obstacles as possible to stop you from working if working is what you’d like to do, such as “ well if you don’t care for the children.” to guilt and shame you into not doing what’s right for you.

6. A narcissist will shame you.

A narcissist will get you questioning your judgment, opinions, values, and beliefs. If your perception of reality doesn’t match that of the narcissists, the narcissist will go all out to make you feel like you are in some way wrong because the narcissist themselves always has to be right. A narcissist wants you to question who you are as a person, so you don’t question who they are as a person. A fragile narcissist will play the victim of “I knew you’d take their side,” to guilt you into feeling bad for not agreeing with them, to get you feeling like you’ve offended the narcissist, to get you questioning if there’s something wrong with your judgment, your reality, something wrong with your perception, so you’re conditioned by the narcissist into taking on board their opinions as your own, slowly losing your opinions and your voice. Even if you still have your own opinions, a narcissist will shame you into that much self-doubt. You’ll question and overanalyse your own, becoming too afraid to speak up for fear of judgment or fear of offending those around you.

A narcissist will go all out to humiliate you. If they can do this in front of an audience so they can isolate you, get you second-guessing what others think of you, getting others to laugh at your expense, this works in a narcissist’s favour as you lose your voice to the narcissist and to those around you.

A narcissist will blame you for everything that goes wrong not only within your life but also in their life. So you’re forever apologising to them and those around you for things you didn’t even do.

A narcissist will invalidate you into no longer feeling enough, and intimidate you, so you fear being yourself.

7. The narcissist claiming they care.

Narcissistic parents with their “this is going to hurt me more than it will you,” a narcissist will hurt you while they claim it’s because they love you, they’ll lie to you while claiming you can’t handle the truth when in reality it’s the lie that hurts more than the truth, narcissistic people lie to force you into making a choice you wouldn’t make with full disclosure of all relevant information, which hurts us more.

A narcissist will love bomb you just enough to make you feel like they want what’s best for you, not realising they are sabotaging you. “Do you really think you should do that? I wouldn’t do that if I was you, it’s only because I care.”

8. Hiding things from you.

A narcissist will stoop as low as to hiding your car keys from you, so you can’t get to work, can’t see your friends, often then finding them for you later and expecting eternal gratitude for doing so, “if it wasn’t for me finding your keys.” So they influence you into believing they’re helping you while the narcissist is covertly sabotaging and distracting you. They will hide financial information, how many children they have. A narcissist can be some of the most secretive people you’ve ever met because they’ve got things to hide.

A narcissist will create feelings of intrigue within you while creating doubt within you while creating fear within you, so you dare not discuss things with them for fear of repercussion from them, getting ignored, insulted, shamed, blamed, humiliated, threatened, and you’ve no one to speak to because they’re already isolated you.

9. No longer able to enjoy life.

Be it the environment you end up In or the atmosphere a narcissist creates, they get you to a point where you can no longer enjoy, let alone do, all the everyday things you used to do. A narcissist will drain you, so you no longer have the energy to do the things you love to do, or they’ll provoke that much fear and self-doubt within you to stop you from doing the things you enjoy.

A Narcissist will claim your anxious, depressed or crazy, and as they’ve provoked these very feelings within you, you again question yourself and not what the narcissist is doing to you.

Narcissists want to control, which is why they coercively control not only you but those around you, through love or through fear, through sweetness or through tears.

Finding a safe way out is always one of the first steps in recovery

  • Write down what truly happened to put your memory and reality back also to look through if you have doubts and want to reach out and get in touch with them.
  • Remove the abuser’s negative thoughts from your mind, and start to put your own in, “I am good enough. I do deserve better. I am worth it.” And keep going until you have removed them and you’re thinking for yourself again.
  • Start putting yourself first. When travelling on a plane, if the cabin pressure drops, and you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others, you have to be at your best, now is the time always to be kind to yourself first, then be kinds to others.
  • Get creative, write, draw, sing, paint, garden, play an instrument, find your creative side again.
  • If you feel ok to do so, share your story with others that understand you, getting it out of your mind space, some people don’t want to out loud. This is normal. Write it out and destroy it to get it out, or keep it to refer back to.
  • Connect with genuine people, reach out to old family and friends. You might have to ditch your pride for this. Genuine family and friends will understand and be there for you, step out of your comfort zone and, find places to meet new people, surround yourself with positive people now.
  • Dress how you want to dress for yourself, do the things you love doing for yourself and might have been stopped from doing them, go for that run, join the gym, hoover when you want, sleep when you want, eat what you want, when you want.
  • Create new routines for you, remove reminders of them.
  • Take control of your diet and exercise. Just start drinking a little more water and taking a walk. Yoga, meditation are extremely good. Dance to music on your phone.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. You will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.

The Narcissist Believes Only What They Want To Believe, Cognitive Distortions.

The narcissist’s reality’s

Cognitive distortions are a simple way that our minds work that convinces us of a reality that simply is not true. These thoughts are usually used to convince our minds of negative thoughts or emotions, explaining to ourselves that things sound accurate and rational. Yet, in reality, they only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves or to keep us trapped in negative situations. Narcissists believe that rules do not apply to them, that they can stomp all over people’s lives and boundaries, without a care as to who they hurt, so long as their needs are being met.

Cognitive Distortions explains why they are negative, so self-entitled who go around destroying others.

So how do cognitive Distortions affect their thinking? And how does this affect us with narcissistic abuse?

Psychologists have identified at least 50 types of cognitive distortions. Here are ten examples of how these could affect the narcissists thinking and how that affects our thinking

1. Always being right, as a narcissist is also most likely lacking in Cognitive Reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, they can not look back and reflect. They’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics. To a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them. They just can not and do not get it. They will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point in explaining yourself or arguing with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.

Being right to them is more important than other’s feelings, that with their lack of Empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is, can lead to devastating consequences for us, sometimes why when they are Gaslighting us they do it so well, as to them it is their reality and their truth, and they shall not be swayed. To most narcissistic people, “They didn’t say that.” And “That never happened.” To them, “You are being sensitive.” And “You are the one going crazy.” In their eyes and minds, it’s their truth, often why their Smear Campaigns are also done with such truth-telling lies. Yet because you are open to opinions and ideas, you can understand people make mistakes, their gaslighting then makes you question yourself blame yourself, and as you care, you then forgive them for their wrongdoings, why when you are walking on Eggshells doing as they please they can treat you so well. You then start to blame yourself all the more when they start miss treating you, as reality is showing you how good they can treat you. Yet, the reality is also showing you just how wrong they treat you, yet when you question them over something that you believe them to be wrong about. They think they are right. They will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong—causing that Cognitive Dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

2 Negative filtering. The narcissist will often take the one negative thing you have done, filtering out anything that happened before or anything they did to cause this. They will focus solely on that one negative thing you did when in a disagreement with them, they will then Twist it onto that one single thing you did by blame-shifting, and then gaslighting it all onto you, the whole False apology of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And as they believe they are right, that is their truth, and no matter how much you try to explain or defend yourself to them, they are not listening to your point of view. They have theirs, and to them, theirs is final.

Negativity breeds negativity, and you, as an empathetic person with an open mind that can see others’ points of view, with the help of their gaslighting, you end up taking their negative thoughts on as your own, ending up blaming yourself and in a state of confusion.

Their reality is distorted by only the dark facts they want and those beliefs they hold so true to themselves; they slowly Manipulate these onto those around them. When we take everything personally and are around people that are so critical of us, it destroys who we are, so we either have to learn not to take their words and actions personally and know our truths and who we are, except that’s how they want to think or feel, and remember we don’t have to feel that way and simply leave them to it, some are extremely dangerous, so no contact is the only way to go.

3. Black and white thinking. A narcissist has no grey area. To them, it’s either good or bad. There is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment. To them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves must be perfect, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection, they can not look back to see what might have led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have cognitive empathy so they can think how they feel, yet, can simply not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.

This is why most narcissists will Project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled. They are superior, any mistakes made or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else. Being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are somewhat too forgiving as we can see the good in them, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

4. Jumping to conclusions. A narcissist might even say, “I’m a great judge of character.” They believe they know exactly what others are thinking or feeling, and they are not interested in finding out otherwise, also why they Gaslight with. “You’re too sensitive.” As they believe you are too sensitive and as they’ve made their minds up, they are unable and unwilling to listen to your explanation, as they are only interested in their own.

So, where your instincts might be trying to tell you something, instead of jumping to a conclusion, you go and discuss it with them, and your instincts are most likely correct. However, they will not validate your feelings as real as they are, the narcissist has made their minds up that, in fact, to the narcissist, you are “Insecure.” When actually you are not, yet as you’ve not made a conclusion, you are most often left questioning yourself as to whether you are indeed insecure? If you are pushing them away? When in fact, a reasonable person would listen to you and work it out, always trust your instincts even when you are unsure as to what they are telling you as most often they are right.

5. Catastrophising. The narcissist does this by minimising or denying their negative or bad behaviour and magnifying anything that they do well to get you to focus on their good side. They minimise anything you do good, and they magnify anything you do that they perceive as wrong, and once they’ve made their minds up, that is their truth, and nothing you can say will shift this.

This is usually what happens to us once we’ve been around narcissistic, toxic or negative people for a long time, as they drip-feed our minds, and our subconscious sucks it all in, we are then on constant watch from their next negative mood swing, for the next smear campaign, for the next game they will play to bring is down to their level, we can both magnify their good behaviour, with the help of their toxic words and we can minimize their bad behaviour, often as we’ve been led to believe it was our fault, leaving us on edge and walking on eggshells around them to meet all their need so we don’t set them off, leaving us with Anxiety as we are so concerned about how they will act and become less and less concerned about what we can do to save ourselves, as we want to help others we slowly destroy ourselves, when in reality we did not cause it, we can not change it, and we can not control it, they are who they are, and no matter what action we take they have a disorder and that is who they are, which in reality means no matter what we do or don’t do for them, they are a ticking time bomb that will go off as and when they please, if they feel wronged, if they feel criticism, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change this for them, it’s who they are, it’s how they want to think, it’s how they want to behave, nothing you say or do will change this, the best course of action is to leave them to it, especially those on the lower end of the spectrum, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be, those on the higher that are dangerous, no Contact.

6. Control. As you most likely already know, a narcissist is all about control. They want and need to be in control. They feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events when they are not getting what they want, they will blame others, life is against them, and if it weren’t for someone else, they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve.

If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “Why is this happening to me?” Or “Why are they doing this?” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Without our own internal control, we take on the responsibility, of the happiness, of those around us. In reality, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As they Gaslight, Intimidate and Invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what is truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions there is no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way.

The oxygen mask on the plane, yes, it seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it. Put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, but they would help you, put it on yourself first. You will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate the help, Boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

7. The blame game. Those on the disorder blame all others for anything that is wrong with their own lives, meaning they are unable or unaware of what actions they’ve taken towards others, the mistakes they have made, so they can not make changes as to who they are as they simply do not see themselves as the problem.

With all the manipulative blame-shifting tactics, we go the other way and start to blame ourselves for everything, when in reality, not everything is our responsibility or our fault, with their Triangulation and silent treatment, we start to look at ourselves to see what we’ve done wrong and how we could be better. This is good news, as this means you have the ability to reflect, to look at past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and changes them. The biggest lessons here is to learn who we are, to learn the behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us, learn our own worth, learning to let go of those who only seek to Steal our joy and no longer looking to always blame ourselves, taking responsibility for what mistakes we have made, and passing those we did not back to the rightful owner. Self-awareness is vital.

8. Change. A narcissist does not see why they need to change. As they have a disorder, it’s who they are. Most often, they can not see their own faults. They can only pass them onto others and therefore see all their own problems as to being caused by those around them, believing others need to change to suit them, again the gaslighting Of “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And most genuinely believe that if you hadn’t, they wouldn’t, however most often, you haven’t actually done anything wrong, they will find something, anything you did, then they will magnify this, to put the blame at your door, they will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you, so that they can blame it all on you.

With us, as we are slowly Manipulated into their negative ways of thinking, it infects our mind. Yet, with their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, arguments, silent treatments and the rest, we are led to believe it’s us that needs to change. Our minds are led to believe this is true, as they often offer intermittent times where they play nice, and magnify something we did to deserve them being nice to us, so we are left changing who we are time and time again to attract their nice side and walking on eggshells to avoid their nasty side. In truth, they have a disorder. It’s who they are. You did nothing to cause it, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and there’s nothing you can do to control it. You can, however, learn who they are, what and why they do what they do, and learn how to handle them, why you don’t need to defend yourself to them, why you don’t need to change for them. No one deserves this treatment. You did nothing wrong. Trying to help others is good. Just help those who are willing to be helped and leave those who only want to bring you down.

9. Personalisation. With someone on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, they feel entitled, so to them. It’s all about them. In one way, they have got something right here, as we should all make sure that we are good within ourselves. There is a difference between a narcissist all about me and self-care. They are in it to win it at all costs, they are most often not interested in what happens to those around them, so long as all their needs are being met, if they believe being nice to someone will meet their needs, they will be nice, if they think being nasty will meet their needs they will be nasty, in reality, it’s about giving to ourselves, then giving to others, if you have £10.00. You need to buy your children food, yet your friends are really struggling, you don’t provide them with the £10.00 while you and your children go hungry, people need to look after themselves, yet if you have more money coming in the next day, so you can split it if you have enough with £5 give them £5. Or if you have plenty and you’re good, you might invite them for dinner, provide them with food, provide them with cash until they are on their feet again. Then they help you out in times of need great. If they leave you to struggle in times of need when they could help, they are not the people for you. A narcissist is all about self so that you could be struggling financially. Yet, they will take your money and happily spend it. Some will even have their own as well as take yours when you ask for it back. They will dent all knowledge, blame you, pity play or cause an argument.

They believe whatever others do or say is a direct reaction to them, they take everything personally, if someone achieves it is down to them, if someone speaks you, they have criticised them, if they are late, they will blame any external source and never themselves, as to them personally it was someone else’s fault.

As they are so fast to shift the blame, those around them are often left blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong that they didn’t even cause.

10. Should. A narcissist might think that they should change, yet this is only in a moment when they are not getting something they want. Why do we get the false promise of ”I’ll go to counselling.” or do they bring you gifts? It’s only temporary to meet a need of their own. They feel shame, so they quickly shift this shame out by changing their mind from black to white. Once they have what they want, they change there should, to you should. Then their own mindset becomes they shouldn’t have to and you should, as it’s never a must, it’s only ever temporary change when they do play nice. When they start directing these should statements towards others, they will then feel anger and resentment towards that other person, which is when their rage often appears, the smear campaigns and all the other destructive hurtful things they do to themselves and to others.

When we think they should behave in a certain way towards us or our children, or when we believe we should try harder to help them see, we should be able to support them, we should be able to explain and defend ourselves to them, we should be able to make it work, and with those not on the disorder we can, working with those on the disorder we can not, as their, feelings, thoughts, opinions, their minds have been made up, and anything you say or do will not change this. It only ever works if they believe something to be their idea and this is hard to achieve on a continuous basis, some are dangerous, so you have to leave them be, others you can teach them the behaviour you will and not accept, by knowing who you are, being nice when they are to you, and leaving them be, giving them no attention when they are mistreating you, again this varies on the severity of the narcissist. When we are full of what we should be able to do, and it doesn’t happen, it leaves us feeling disappointed, let down, hurt, angry, and resentful. We have to keep our own standards as high as we want them to be and our expectations of them extremely low, so we don’t feel offended.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.


Some examples of how narcissistic people manipulate you.

What happens to you in a narcissistic relationship.

Who You Become With A Narcissist, And How To Get You Back.

What a narcissist wants.

When the narcissist comes back with all the false apologies promises of change due to the trauma bond, when they offer that intermittent idealisation stage and begin to play nice, because you have empathy and care for those in your life, you are a good-hearted person that forgives others and wants to help them change, a lot take back a narcissist in the hope of the original dreams becoming a reality, because the narcissist rewrites history on you, lays all the blame on you, you question reality, believing all the problems were down to you, then you might give them another chance, so here’s something to remind yourself of reality, yes it’s hard to start walking away from toxic people, however, if you feel like this around anyone in your life, it’s time to walk away, time to stop helping them. It’s time to start helping you.

Here is how most people find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist, why it’s just a traumatic, painful experience throughout.

A narcissist will stay around as long as you never expose them. They will keep coming back, weeks, months or years later while you let them when it suits a need of their own.

You must be able to provide them with constant praise, attention, caring, kindness, generous gifts and always support them emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, spiritually, and financially.

You must be able to deny yourself of all of life’s pleasures and hand them all over to the narcissist happily, making their life as exciting, interesting and fulfilling as possible.

You must be able to live without true intimacy, communication, true love, honesty or trust.

You must be ok with being cheated on, lied to and manipulated constantly. You can live with the hope of improvement or change, this will only ever be temporarily, and you must get used to it no matter how hard you try. It always cycles back to them hurting you.

You must never have an opinion, desire, want, or need of your own. This is selfish behaviour and not acceptable or tolerated by the narcissist.

You must allow yourself to be devalued and discarded for being weak and not having the guts to stand up for yourself, or if you are strong and try to stand up for yourself, you must allow yourself to be devalued and discarded with a narcissist you will not win.

You will live without security, self-esteem, peace or comfort.

You will live with secrets, lies, betrayals, false truths, omissions, hypocrisies, slander or any other deceitful, manipulative action the narcissist chooses to impose on you.

You must live without boundaries, values or any other self-respecting goals or aspirations of your own. To the narcissist, these are a game to be broken down and become null and void.

You will end up living your life knowing that the person to who you are giving everything to, will never, ever be there for you mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually, or financially. If you are diagnosed with an illness or have an accident, you are on your own while the narcissist is living their best life, out enjoying praise, and attention from others, until you can attend to their needs again. Even then, they’ll be gaining attention from others.

You will also have to feel guilty and feel genuinely sorry that your illness or injury that has caused a massive inconvenience for the narcissist. How dare you not be available to serve them.

You will be treated as completely worthless. Also, you have to accept that you have caused all of this “drama”.

You will have your coworkers, friends, and family removed from your life until you are isolated from all your support.

You will have to be happy to agree to give up your career or your job should it ever interfere with your ability to be able to serve your narcissist’s desires.

You live without love, respect, affection or attention from your children because they also live to serve the narcissist. They see no value in you because you don’t see any value in yourself or because they have been conditioned by the narcissist to believe that you are worthless and not worthy of such things, with more manipulation and mind games.

You must be willing to wake up one day to discover that the narcissist has left you without understanding why they left, where they went, who they are with, or when they will be back until they return (days, weeks, months, years) later like nothing ever happened. And they will return!

When they return, you must be willing not to ask questions. Do not speak of your feelings. Do not try to engage them in any “serious” conversation at all. Simply resume your position of loving them, caring for them, and being kind to them, making sure that they feel wonderful about themselves, no matter how confused and hurt you feel.

You must be willing always to be wrong, take full blame, apologise and beg for forgiveness for everything the narcissist imagines that you did to hurt them. Whether you really did it or not is not relevant. Most often, it’s them who hurt you, but this is unacceptable for you to think this way. So, you must apologise for not stopping them from making the wrong decision. Their lousy choice is your fault.

You must also never offer advice or suggestions that might prevent the narcissist from making a wrong decision because this is criticism. You will be punished severely for any complaint. You will get the silent treatment, or you will be attacked on such a personal level. It cuts you to the core, belittled, called names and falsely accused of things you may or may not have ever done.

You must be willing when they come back to you to be perfect in every way. If you fail, you will be punished, so apologise. Apologise and apologise again, beg for forgiveness, beg for mercy, for everything they did to you, accept full responsibility for their actions. Yours, beg to be forgiven for everything they did to you; there are no exceptions. You must always take 100% responsibility for how they “feel”.

Do not cry. Do not show sadness. Do not show any emotion that might challenge the narcissist’s self-esteem. Do not express any emotion other than happiness that they came back to you. It doesn’t matter that the narcissist’s behaviour is killing you. Do not show it ever! That would be a huge mistake, as the narcissist might sense that you are unhappy in the relationship. This will force them to leave you again to go find someone who is more “positive” and “superior” to you. Someone who won’t ask questions, feel hurt or abandoned. Someone who will listen to their stories of how horrible you have treated them and be willing give them what you can’t or won’t.

You must be willing to be abandoned and left with no resources to take care of yourself or your children with no explanation.

You must be willing to put your entire life on pause at any given moment, without warning, and be prepared to wait patiently until the narcissist becomes bored with, or disenchanted by, their new person, or until that person displays feelings of “unhappiness” and becomes as worthless as you.

You must be willing to be patient and wait, do not feel sad, don’t cry, don’t react negatively, stay positive. They will come back to you when they feel like it.

You must be willing to allow this in and out behaviour to happen multiple times and never tire of it, and you must never see it as an issue. You must be willing to embrace the revolving door.

You must be willing to appreciate the uncertainties, anxieties and insecurities of them leaving you for something “better” any time they feel bored or anxious with themselves.

You must be grateful, thankful and appreciative that you are special enough to the narcissist for them to return to you, whenever they choose to eventually.

You must be satisfied with being weak enough to tolerate their abuse, yet strong enough to keep yourself from going completely insane, from all of the insanity of your day to day life with your beloved narcissist.

You must do as the narcissist says (no faking it), meetings all their expectations, even though you won’t fully know what the expectation is because they don’t communicate their wants or needs to you. It’s a fantasy made up in their own head, influenced by porn, the envy of a friend, their boss or family member, which changes weekly, daily or hourly, but you should know what it is. If you really love them, you will KNOW what they want and need at all times, without them having to tell you, and you should be more than willing to provide it to them, happily.

You need to be willing to live every day of your life with the truth, that the person who you love so unconditionally so profoundly, so intensely, is not capable of loving you, respecting you, or caring for you at all, not even with all of their expectations being met.

You need to be willing to accept the fact that the harder you try to please them, the more they despise you.

You should be willing to have your bank account emptied, your home and your car repossessed, resulting in you sleeping on the street while they are sleeping in someone else’s warm, comfortable bed.

You will end up becoming a shell of a human being, void of any feelings, emotions, identity or responses, other than to happily and joyfully serve the narcissist person’s needs, wants, and desires while completely denying yourself of all basic human needs.

When you get out, you will be smeared to all those around you, and they will tell those around you everything they did to you-you, you did to them.

When they see you truly happy again, they will come back, just to destroy you all over again.

It’s not easy breaking a relationship with a narcissist. However, it is possible retraining from how your subconscious thinks with your conscious will help you move on with your life.

Half of the time in your life, you are in default mode. After a narcissist, they might be in your head all of the time.

According to science, you have a default mode and a direct mode.

The default mode is when you’re on autopilot, going about your day to day business, doing what needs to be done, thoughts popping into you’re head, taking you all over.

The direct mode is when you consciously think about something on purpose make yourself get up and do something.

Resetting your thinking is a process. Because of those limiting beliefs and negative thoughts that have been built upon over a prolonged period, you have been running on a negative default mode. They have been coded into your brain over a long period, which you repeat. Just because someone in your past trained you to think this way, or they did so many bad things to you, your mind is now trained the mind to assume and predict the worst.

If you allow your default mindset to continue thinking. Why me? What else could go wrong? I’m not happy? Can I not do this? I’m a loser? I’m not worthy? I’ll never be good enough? No one will love me? Does no one care about me? I’m a failure? Life’s going to become harder and harder. The problem is these thoughts have gone into your default mode, and they shouldn’t be there. They are negative beliefs that hold you back. You can change this default mode of negative thoughts into positive ones.

Bad things will happen. That’s life. Life can be cruel, it can be draining, and it can be hard. I do not deny that you’ve experienced that, especially around narcissistic people. It’s a fact of life.

We do need a default mode for certain things we go about doing in our day to day lives. So we don’t have to think about the simple tasks, so we can just get on with them.

You know all too well, you need to make changes in your life. You want to make changes in your life, but then when you start to think about change. You stop and start worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong and go back to default mode. So ask yourself now. How well is default mode working for me right now? Are things getting any better right now? So you can carry on how you are and change nothing, or you can change how you think, and you can change everything. You’ve just got to work at it and believe in yourself. When you change how you feel, you will make significant changes in your life.

Like when you learn to ride a bike, it takes time to learn to balance pedal and drive yourself forward. Until you just do it.

Learning to swim, thinking about the movements, the strokes. Going through that water and learning that technique takes time until one day, you just do it.

If you naturally kick a ball with your right foot, you go into autopilot to do so.

If your a natural right-handed, you automatically write with your right hand on autopilot.

Yet you can make yourself kick that ball with your left foot,

You can make yourself pick up that pen with your left hand and begin to write.

You have to deliberately direct your thoughts to kick that ball with the other foot, to lift that pen with the hand you don’t usually, then practice, practice, practice, you will feel uncomfortable, and it will feel unnatural, you will miss kick, it will not be as powerful as your usual foot, your writing will be sloppy, it will be messy, and it will be hard to read.

It’s exactly the same as making yourself think about things in a more positive way. It will feel strange and uncomfortable at times, and it will feel unnatural. You need to think optimistic, and you need to support your own thoughts, you need to think positive, you need to think it is possible, then you need to work on it.

It’s going to be a process that takes time, you will have setbacks along the way when you don’t see significant change, but you must keep going. Keep changing, keep learning and keep growing.

So you can choose to either carry on with your default, or you can deliberately choose what you want to think about.

Being a deliberate thinker is a skill, just like learning to swim, learning to ride a bike, kicking that ball, with the foot you don’t use, learning to write with the hand you don’t usually write with, it’s a skill, and you have to practice and keep on practising until you master it.

You can do it, and the autopilot is excellent on the right things. It is horrible on the wrong thoughts.

When you change how you think, you will change your life for the better.

Whatever it is that’s stopping you right now. Whatever is your limiting beliefs, you need to write them all down now.

However, that person made you feel.

Any of those setbacks you’ve had.

I’m not good enough?

I can not trust anyone?

It’s just too hard?

My hearts had enough?

I don’t know how to start rebuilding my life?

Whatever they are, whatever got programmed into your default mode, you need to see them all write them all down.

Now you need to ask yourself, what have these beliefs cost me in my past? Then write that down. What do they cost me today? Then write those down. If I don’t change, what are they going to cost me over the coming days, weeks, months and years? Write them all down.

Now you know how that default mindset is affecting your day today. You need to do a reset of your mindset. Every time old limiting beliefs come to your mind, catch that negative default mindset thought, take control back of your mind, then deliberately direct a good thought into your mind. You need to do a mindset reset. Take back control of your own mind and your own life.

You no longer have to live your life how your default mindset has been trained to do so. You are free to change that and live your life how you want to.

No more “ no one will ever love me.”

Now it’s “the right people will always love me.”

No more “I don’t even know where to start.”

Now it’s “I’m going to take small daily steps each and every day, slowly but surely turning my life around.”

No more “I’m not good enough.”

Now it’s “I’m good enough for me, and the right people will understand me.”

No more. “I don’t trust anyone.”

Now it’s. “I trust my instinct.”

“The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” – Albert Einstein

Keep trying new things, keep going, you’ve got this.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.


signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.