How Do You Stop Thinking About The Narcissist?

Ways to stop thinking about the narcissist.

When you are still attached to a toxic person, some ways to try and turn it around to move on with your life.

When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem, your trust, your happiness. and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic ex, and you keep going back.

One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, then they reappear wanting you back, mental abuse has so many effects, while you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all, they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault.

You have to break the pattern of thoughts within your mind, just like watching the same movie, you know what’s going to happen, you know the end, yet because of the good bits you watch it again, or the same track of music, the more you listen to it the more it sticks in your mind. You might hear different bits from it each time you listen, or you might take different perspectives from it, which is great, yet when you’re listening and hearing the same thing over and over again, that’s what you’re hearing, and your mind is perceiving. Then your mind focuses on it, that song you hear in the morning that gets stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Your mind and thoughts need interrupting, like when you’re deep in conversation, then someone takes you off-topic, and you forget the original point because your mind was interrupted.

With the ex, unfortunately, we sometimes want to change our thoughts. Yet, because we’ve nothing perceived as more important to focus, stuck on the old dreams instead of finding new ones, we can not shift those thoughts, or we get so stuck and caught up in that woe is me pain mindset, even though we want to move past it we just can not seem to shift it, we have to find ways to make it a must when it’s a must when our minds know we must. We then take action to find a way to do this. We then find ways and methods to break our thought process and make our minds work for us rather than against us. 1. Write down the story you tell yourself, next write the truth—things like.

We had an amazing connection.

They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.

They can change,

They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it. What’s different now? Nothing, they will not change,

It was my fault they acted that way.

No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.

We could make it work this time.

Then write.

What’s different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.

I’ll never find real love.

If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.

What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?

Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend. If the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( If the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.

They would tell you. This person is bad for you. They are toxic. They have mental problems. If they know about narcissism, they may tell you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would say to you.

What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?

Think of a couple, you know, if one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. You’d be telling them to run the other way. Sometimes we have to stop and listen to our own advice.

So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.

When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of stories with the help of twisted words from the narcissist. When you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.

What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?

Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the ex to answer too.

Remember, you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did.

Obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone are not love. It’s intense. It’s mistaken for love. You think it’s love. It’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows. It’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?

Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind, “ it’s not love. It is an addiction. It’s not love. It is an addiction.”

Stick to boundaries and no contact.

Set boundaries and stop all contact, Grey Rock. If they still see the children. At the start, it’s going to be really hard. You will have withdrawals. Keep going. It gets easier. Do it now. You have to go through the withdrawals no other way. It’s far better to do it now than in ten years time. After withdrawals, you will reclaim your happiness.

Discover a new passion for yourself.

Replace that void that they leave behind with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss. It’s the routine you miss.

Down moments.

When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on or call someone close to you. Look for things you have achieved in life. Look for things to be grateful for.

Pattern interrupt.

When they just pop into your head, acknowledge they have, then tell yourself you’re not interested, find anything you can to remove those thoughts. Watch something funny, Listen to something good, call a friend, start making plans for your future, whatever it takes to reprogram your mind, you can and you will.

Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why Narcissists Aren’t Sorry And What You Can Do.

It’s tough to begin to understand why some people can hurt us so badly, cause so much pain. Most of us just want an Apology, two little words “I’m sorry.” And it seems narcissists are simply incapable of giving one if you’re lucky enough to get one. It’s usually fake to meet a need of their own or twisted onto something you didn’t even do. “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” You just can not get a straight genuine apology from some people. Not all people that will not say sorry are narcissistic.

Most people who’ve been around a narcissist are programmed to say sorry even for things they don’t need to. Most people do not enjoy admitting fault and saying sorry, especially if they’ve unintentionally hurt someone or made one genuine mistake. It’s hard to swallow pride and admit fault sometimes. It’s even harder to admit wrongdoing when you know full well how you’d feel if someone had done that to you, fear of reactions, fear of hurting them and losing them. Narcissistic people only fear what might happen to them, what they will lose. They are not concerned for how the other person feels or the pain it will cause, so they will not feel the need to admit fault and definitely no need to apologise as in their mind they’ve done no wrong. This also further manipulates our emotions. We are left feeling hurt, angry, and wondering why people can not care enough about us to say those two little words correctly.

So what makes it impossible for those narcissistic people just to say, “I’m sorry.” The act of saying sorry to someone for something you did wrong means actually admitting fault for your own actions or mistakes that you have made. For narcissistic people who believe they are above all others, want control, dominance and power, the act of admitting wrongdoing on a permanent basis is not possible. They might do in a moment to meet a need of their own. However, most don’t, and those who do will either blame it for something we did or a few days later forget they ever even said sorry.

To be able to admit that we’ve done something wrong means having a certain level of self-esteem, which is good information for us, as most of us are left with self-blame due to the manipulative words fed to us by narcissists, most of us can admit our faults and even those that are not ours. Meaning when we leave believing we have no self-esteem, we do actually have some to start building ourselves back up. Narcissists, although they’ll never admit it, are deeply insecure people with shattered self-esteem and find it a great challenge to say sorry, as admitting fault within themselves would destroy their entire self-worth and the false reality they’ve created as to who they are, acknowledging that they make mistakes and hurt others, would open the floodgates to a whole reservoir of emotions they are trying their best to keep so profoundly hidden, the shame and inadequacy, the vulnerabilities they keep buried deep within would be opened up, not only for them to see but others also.

They lack the empathy to care that they hurt us or that they hurt anyone. Some have very little understanding so that they might care in a moment, yet that moment is soon lost. They don’t class our hurt as their fault, and they see that our hurt is ours, and that’s for us to deal with, not them. To be able to say sorry, people need to be vulnerable and admit to the fault of their own actions that hurt others, and this is far too scary for narcissistic people. They’ve buried their feeling deep, and it’s far too painful to bring them up, as this would leave them open to feelings of hurt, it would damage their pride and ego, the false reality they’ve created for themselves.

Narcissists genuinely fear not being perfect. Making mistakes is part of human nature. It’s how we learn. Failure is our first attempt at learning, and failing to recognise it at any point means we as humans then don’t learn. With empathy and thoughts towards others feeling, it’s easy not to do something to hurt another in the first place, as most narcissistic people are lacking empathy they never see it from how it would make another person feel, only how others might perceive them when they get caught out, why they will start the smear campaign to avoid any feelings of shame, blaming all others and getting their enablers and flying monkeys to give them attention and support while destroying the true victim, we might have once been that enabler, believing the narcissists lie so well, as their lies are their reality, they tell them so convincingly, it’s only once out we realise we too were duped, conned and exploited, why there is no point holding any judgement or resentment to the new person, one day they will painfully see, unfortunately, just like we had to. More understanding and more awareness will help, rather than more judgment and negativity towards others. There are enough negative narcissists in the world without us being negative also. Normal to feel these emotions, we just have to find our way to break free of the negativity. This is why we can heal and move forward in our life’s, and we can see errors we make, we can be vulnerable, we can admit to our mistakes, to ourselves and to those we trust. We have the ability to learn and grow from our mistakes. This is why narcissistic people stay stuck in a repeat pattern, hurting themselves and those around them. They are unable and unwilling to ever look at themselves for the mistakes they make, meaning they can simply never learn from them, as they never are grown in a positive way. They’re stuck in that negative mindset. Narcissistic people enjoy the Havoc they wreak on others lives.

That high dopamine rush they get from the drama leaves them addicted to the drama, why it’s hard for us to break free. Living with the high low cycles of narcissistic abuse releases dopamine from the highs, and cortisol from the stress, causing our body’s to become chemically addicted. Like breaking any addiction, you need to know the reason why you want to break it. You need to know the outcome you want for yourself. If you start missing the narcissist, focus on the reasons why you need to get out or stay out. The positive outcomes you want from your life now, your mind will find a way when it knows those two things, no contact helps massively if that’s not possible then it’s limited contact—then finding new hobbies, creating new routines to fill up your time in positive, happy ways, talking to yourself kindly.

Narcissists have a fear of loss, (we can all fear loss.) however with a narcissist it’s not a fear of actually losing you, more a fear of losing what you provide for them, where we wouldn’t put ourselves in a situation that might mean we’d hurt someone we love. ( or if you have remember, we all make mistakes.) Most learn from that never to do it again, and most will feel guilt and admit fault and say sorry, then change their behaviour so as not to hurt others again. Narcissistic people believe they’re entitled to do as they please, they don’t lie to protect your feelings, they lie in case they don’t like the choice you make after you find out, then no longer serve their needs, why if they do get caught they will try many manipulations to make you suffer, from provoking you by not answering questions, causing arguments so they can blame it on our reactions and play victim, to the silent treatments, which makes us feel more pain, and reach out for that apology, explanation to end our pain and suffering, if the narcissist has no other source available, they might promise change, or offer to go to counselling they know we are forgiving people. Once we forgive, they are straight back to doing it all over again. They are just incapable of learning, respect, morals, trust, empathy or care towards others. A narcissist would have to admit to so many mistakes and open up to so many vulnerabilities to change who they are truly, and as they see themselves as perfect and it would crush their already damaged self-esteem, meaning most are incapable of doing so.

Narcissists change reality, they change story’s, they change partners, they change homes, they never change themselves. To narcissistic people acknowledging or admitting any wrongdoings makes them feel weak. They don’t realise this very effort not to feel weak actually makes them weak, destructive, unhappy individuals—often pushing all those around them away one by one, growing old most end up alone. Admitting to mistakes, having the ability to care and respond to others in the right way, most people can unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. When they do, they recognise it, see how they’ve made them feel, apologise and make sure they don’t do it again. Admitting any errors in Judgment, any mistakes, is being respectful and compassionate towards others and ourselves. That’s true confidence within ourselves and our ability’s, true empathy towards our feelings and others. It’s not a weakness to recognise your own faults. It’s a strength. This doesn’t mean taking responsibility for others wrongdoings that needs to stop now, and accountability needs passing back the rightful owner.

To summarise, a narcissist lacks the empathy to care. They do not have the thought process to understand how their actions would hurt another before they act, they feel no remorse after they act, they can not admit fault as this would damage their ego and pride and the false self they’ve created, they can not open up to their own vulnerabilities or insecurities. Therefore they do not have the ability to acknowledge how their actions make others feel. They do not feel the need to say sorry as in their distorted reality, they’ve done no wrong, and any problems in their life are always someone else’s fault. Don’t wait for a sorry. If you get one, it’s just further manipulation to meet their own needs. Instead, learn who they are and why they do what they do, understand what you’re dealing with, give yourself an apology and forgiveness for putting up with the behaviour you should have walked away from yet didn’t know what you were dealing with and tried to help them. Focus on new dreams and a new happier life for you. Know your outcome, know you’re why, then keep going until you find the way. Steps back and mistakes along the way are allowed. It’s how we learn and what makes us human. No one is perfect.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Seven Signs Of Fake People, (Signs Of Covert Narcissism.)

A covert narcissist often pretends to be nice on the outside to hide who they are on the inside. Not everyone has good intentions, so what are the signs that somebody is hiding who they indeed are.

1. passive aggressive behaviours.

People who come at you with the silent treatments, those who will sulk when things don’t go their way, people who try to leverage your emotions against you to get their needs met, those who will shame you, blame you, guilt trip you, to take down your boundaries.

Covert narcissists are the kinds of people who will claim that you hurt them, even though they hurt you. They will guilt trip you into taking responsibility for what they have actually done to you.

Covert narcissists will offer those backhanded compliments. This is when they come at you with things such as “your hair looks much better like that than it did yesterday” or “congratulations, I didn’t think you’d get that promotion.”

Know your intentions so well you don’t take on board other people’s opinions of you. E.S.

2. Humble bragging.

Covert narcissists brag, as, like most narcissists, everything is about them; however, they have a way of bragging in a humble manner, they will seem like they have low modesty; however, they are doing it in a way where they downplay the things that they have achieved in the hope that you will purposely try to raise them up. It’s not someone who is just having a moment. Covert narcissists will continually bring things up to get people to pick them up. When it comes to a covert narcissists, with their humble bragging, they will compete with you. Whatever you have suffered, they will have suffered for worse. Whatever you’ve achieved, they’ve always achieved more. They will ask where you’re going on holiday and before you can answer they’ll be telling where they’re going, or where they’ve been that’s far better, without directly saying it’s better, they cannot be happy for you and if you make a mistake if you fail at something they will happily gloat about your mistake about your misery.

Avoid those who take pleasure out of your pain. E.S.

3. They cut you off.

Covert narcissists can seem like genuine, polite, kind, generous people, then suddenly, out of nowhere, they will cut you off, there one minute, gone the next. This isn’t because you’ve hurt their feelings or life gets in the way. This is because they are no longer getting their needs met by you. Those who act one way in front of neighbours then act entirely differently in the home.

People who are only there when they want something from you, and then they disappear on you when they don’t want something from you, are signs of people who don’t have the best of intentions towards you.

Distance yourself from those who are only there for you when they want something from you. E.S.

4. They don’t listen to you.

Covert narcissists are very good at acting as they care; however, they fail to listen to the conversation unless it interests them, they pick up on things they can use against you later down the line, or they can turn the conversation over to themselves they will show false concern for anything you’re going through just long enough to pull you in but it is not genuine.

Distance yourself from those who turn your feelings into arguments. E.S

5. They play the victim.

Covert narcissists have a way to extract sympathy from you, as, like most narcissists, they have the ability to think empathetically, so they have cognitive empathy where they can relate to what they can use against you to provoke those feelings within you that’s going to serve the narcissists best interest (emotional abuse.) they are going to guilt-trip you at every opportunity, they’re going to come at you with those crocodile tears they will exaggerate their emotions they will bring the drama out and then claim they’ve not done nothing to you, they will create chaos conflict and drama and then they will play the victim. They will exaggerate all their emotions and downplay all yours or accuse you of being too sensitive.

Avoid those who are never wrong. E.S

6. They only give so they can take.

Narcissistic people are self-entitled hypocrites. They expect to receive and want to give little in return. When it comes to narcissistic people, they only give so they can take. They might pretend to help others, to be kind to others. They might even come across as generous towards others. However, they’re not interested in helping others. They’re not interested in being kind to others. They’re not interested in showing generosity to others. They only ever give if there is something they can receive in return. Narcissists don’t give out of the goodness of their own hearts. They give because they’ve seen something they want to extract from you.

7. They talk badly of others.

Narcissists have a way of pulling others down to feel better about themselves. They talk badly of others they will bring others down, they will gossip about others they will always be asking people for favours, yet when people don’t do favours for them, they will go talking badly about how the last person has neglected them because the person said no to them and the narcissist cannot accept the word no, the narcissist goes all out to ruin that person reputation.

When it comes to dealing with people, watch for patterns of behaviour. We are not here to change anyone other than ourselves. We are not here to change ourselves to suit other people. With good intentions, there’s no wrong way or right way to live your life. It’s okay to cut people out of your life. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it goes against everything on who you are as a person you like to be compassionate, however, when you discover that people are only there for you when they want something from you, these are not the kinds of people you need within your life, and by showing them compassion, you’re not actually helping that person because all their learning is that they can get away with their behaviour. By walking away from them, it’ll still not teach them. Narcissists often take this as criticism as they believe all others are the problem. However, it’ll help you gain clarity of the situation you were once in, lose the negativity and start to reclaim your life and happiness.

Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their own behaviour; however, we can take responsibility for ours.

Distance yourself from those who make you feel responsible for everything they do wrong. E.S.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Reactive Abuse, The Narcissist And Our Reactions.

“Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so. “

Even the best of people have their own limits. Those who are good, kind, generous, loyal, loving people have their limitations. We are human, after all. When people chip away at you, push all your buttons, use all your insecurities and weaknesses against you, when people shame you and blame you, send you into a state of fear, anxiety and depression, most people react to try and release all the stress, heartache, pain and emotional build-up, only this then ends up with us feeling worse, as we are left feeling like we are to blame, guilty, and more lost from who we indeed are.

Definition of reactive abuse. Reactive abuse happens when someone who’s been abused, mind games or controlled, either physically or psychologically, reacts to their abuser, standing up for themselves, either by screaming, shouting, slapping, spitting, throwing things, either throwing insults with the words or lashing out physically. That’s all the abuser needs to then blame it all on the one they’ve been provoking.

Why do narcissists use it?

A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you.

From their reactions, the real victims often then believe they are at fault, the narcissist will only ever tell their side of the story to others in the smear campaign, the one where you looked bad, what you did to them, what you said to them, they’ll not tell people the lead up to what happened, it’s just further manipulation for the narcissist to play the woe is me, victim, to those around them and make you feel like your in the wrong and need to apologise. Abusers love the reactive abuse as it’s proof in their minds that the person who reacted is unstable and crazy, that the one who’s reacted is mentally ill, they will use it against you for years to come, narcissistic people rewrite their own history, they change the stories they tell themselves, they are never accountable, they say so many lies they often believe their own lies and reality, and they will use reactive abuse against you for years to come.

They have been known to.

  • Install cameras in the home, and edit footage.
  • Film reactions and show others.
  • Edit their messages out and show others.
  • Call the family to come help calm you down.
  • Call friends to come and help.
  • Give you the silent treatment before a special occasion, then when you arrive, they are good, and you look grumpy.
  • Threaten you.
  • Take people to the doctors to get you on antidepressants.
  • Call the police.

At the start, it’s often the innocent party who usually makes excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour and is often left blaming themselves. A narcissist might do this but in another twisted, manipulative way. Where the actual victim might say, In the beginning, “If I’d have not done this, then they wouldn’t have done that.” Or “They are tired.” Things like. “I’ve not been at my best.” A narcissist will say. “I did all I could. They just abused me.” Or “I tried to help. They are crazy.” A narcissist will always play the victim or the hero, yet never the villain for years to come.

Ways they will cause reactive abuse? First, they bait, they provoke, then they gaslight, project and, blame shift. They will bait. Baiting is used by a narcissist to provoke an emotional response from us so that they can have the power over our emotions, and ultimately, over our thinking so that they can further their control over us.

Baiting is used to make people feel:-

  • Scared.
  • Guilty.
  • Responsible.
  • Anxious.
  • Hopeful.

Which makes it easier for the narcissist to manipulate them further. They will provoke, prod and chip away at you.

  • They will start an argument out of fresh air.
  • Say backhanded insults.
  • Use your insecurities against you.
  • Ignore you.
  • Lie to you.
  • Change events on you.
  • Triangulation with other people.
  • Say obvious hurtful things.
  • Say subtle hurtful things.
  • Upset the children.
  • Upset you any way they can.
  • Threaten you.
  • Threaten family and friends.

Then when you get upset, they will escalate the situation until you snap. You’re then left feeling bad for lashing out, saying hurtful things, being angry, and you apologise and do your best to make it up to them. Even though you know your reactions were wrong, you end up blaming it all on you, not paying attention to the part they played. We can not control what they say or do. Even when the relationships are over, we can, however, learn to control our reactions. They trick you into it.

The worst part is, your reactions are your reactions, fooled or not, and we have to own up and take responsibility for our own actions as that’s something narcissists are incapable of and one of the many things that separate us from them. Who started what is irrelevant, if you are with someone who brings out the worst in you (even the most caring people have a breaking point.), a narcissist will argue with anyone and everyone, if you’re behaving out of character around certain people, if they bring out a side you don’t like about yourself, it’s time to break free.

Narcissists will trick you into reacting so you are fully aware you are not perfect. ( no one is.) They will threaten to tell others about your reactions. As your Reactions are out of character for you; narcissists know you feel worse about yourself; they wear you down slowly over time, so you no longer feel good enough. You lose your integrity and stay trapped in the cycle of abuse.

Gaslighting is an insidious form of psychological manipulation where the abuser gets the target to question their own reality and sanity, and they will gaslight you with things like.

“You’re just insecure.” If you think they are cheating. “I was only joking.” They were not, but to escape accountability and pin the blame on you. “It didn’t happen like that.” It did, but they want you to forget what they did. “You’re losing your mind.” Again so you think you’re going crazy and blame it all on yourself. “I never did that.” They did. They just want that part wiping from your memory.

Projection is a defensive mechanism commonly used by abusers. They are defending themselves against unconscious traits, beliefs, actions to escape accountability. It’s a combination of blame-shifting and gaslighting, distracting the target from what is really happening while getting the target to blame themselves. Things like. “You started it, accusing me, then who knows what you’ve been up to.” or. “If you didn’t talk down to me, you’re always having a dig at me.”

Blame shifting is when the narcissist has done something wrong. Then they dump all the blame onto the target to avoid any feelings of remorse or shame, also to escape accountability. They will play the victim, downplaying or avoiding what they did and making what you did to be far worse. They bring up your tone of voice, or how you spoke down to them, as they know you have a caring, emphatic side, they will guilt trip or pity play, there could be the accusations, covert ” If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” To the overt ” You hit me, you abused me. I did nothing wrong.” After provoking a reaction from you, where you’d like to communicate with them, some will go into the silent treatment, either the one where they stick around ( the present silent treatment.) or where they disappear, they want you to beg and plead for forgiveness, Silent Treatment is psychological torture, and causes great pain to the brain, you’re left looking to yourself as to what you did wrong, how you can make it up to them, and when you do, they’ll bring back the intermittent niceness as a reinforcement to your mind, that you were wrong. They were right, leaving them to believe their realities and you questioning yours.

This all leads to cognitive dissonance. The target ends up full of self-blame, self-doubt, feeling like they are the narcissist, feeling unworthy, feeling grateful, that the narcissist who’s a bully and a con artist will take you back, changing who you are time and time again to please them, trying to help them while you slowly lose who you are. When you can see different realities, one that matches your beliefs and another that is continuously being rewritten on you, it’s hard to see it while you are living it. It takes time to work it out once you break free. Suppose you’re still with or around someone who brings out the worst in you when you think. “This isn’t me, and this isn’t how I behave.” That’s when you have to take note of the people you are surrounding yourself with and change something when you’re not true to yourself when you are constantly questioning yourself. Your own integrity, this is what narcissistic people want, they want you to be confused, to feel like you’re going crazy, to keep you out of reality and in their reality, unfortunately, most become in such a trace that by the time they start to wake up, they are trauma bonded, scared, or don’t have the means to leave, plenty have left scared, got out safely, left with nothing and are living much happier lives, it’s all taking that first step, make a choice for you, for your health, wealth and happiness, change one thing at a time, and it’ll change everything for you.

What can you do? If you can no contact, get out safely and go no contact. If you are still with them, or for whatever reason can not go any contact, have children with them? Is a boss? (If you can change job, do.) or would mean cutting other family members out, respond do not react. The best method is the three R’s, Retreat, Rethink, respond, and only respond if you really need to, keep response to the point, say it once and do not let them take you off-topic, avoid being alone around them, avoid spending too much time around them. Stop the blame game, and it’s the past it’s irrelevant now, blaming keeps it in the present, you need to focus on the here and now and create new visions and dreams for you, holding onto anger and resentment, guilt, pain, regret, will only harm your future, let it all go, for no one else other than you. Learning all about the disorder, who they are, why they do what they do, gives you a better understanding of healing and how to handle ones in your life on the low end of the spectrum, also how to avoid them in the future, you also need to focus on building your life back up, to who you want to be, and how you want to live.

For more information about how narcissists provoke reactions, click here.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.