How to stop loving the abusive narcissist.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.

When you know they are bad for you, they make you so unhappy, they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and so many more. It’s soul crushing. Yet because they came in as the love of your life. As they can treat you better than anyone ever has, yet worse than anyone ever has, this causes deep trauma bonds from the chemicals your body releases during the relationship. Even when you see the pattern of abuse, it’s extremely difficult to let go of that love you have for them.

We remember all the good times, then with the emotional connections to those good times, wanting them back, knowing we can get them for a short time, yet knowing we must let go is pure torture for us at times. Most of us bury the negative horrible times deep down, often blaming ourselves and never really bringing them back up. Think of one moment when they brought you to your knees, either completely lost upset, heartbreak, hurt, angry, and ask yourself. What did I do.? What did I really do to deserve that? The answer should be nothing. As no one deserves that, yet because the project, manipulate and blame shift, your reactions to their provoking always and twist words we end up blaming ourselves. It’s never ever your fault. Now think of all the good you did for them. Why would anyone treat you so bad? Because they have a problem, not you. They can not accept love, you are not the problem.

If you really want to let go, flip those around, often we don’t because that’s hard, it’s going to be painful and we want to avoid that pain. The easiest option to go for is the pain of losing someone we love and still loving them, yet this only continues our inner pain. Once you flip it around remember the bad times, the hurtful negative times, work through them, you start to distance that love, it may turn hate, keep going until it turns to nothing.

You have to face the fear and the pain to move past it.

Don’t lose the good times. When you think you love and miss them, think about the bad times and why you’re better without them.

Once you let go, you begin to forgive you and forgive them, forgiveness doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviour. forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.

Write down all those bad memories, get them all out to release them.

Think of it as someone you really care for showing you this. Put yourself in the advisors shoes. What would you tell someone you really cared about, what advice would you give those who’ve been through what you have.

Talk therapy, Seek help from someone you can talk to who understands you.

If you’re stuck with them in your head space and you don’t want them their, think of the present moment. When they subconsciously crop up. Consciously remove them from your mind.

As they also fill your human needs at a subconscious level, this also keeps you addicted to them.

Love and connection. You love someone, you have a partner, you’re connecting when they treat you right in a positive way, yet connected when they treat you right in a negative way.

Significance. At times they make you feel insignificant so fill it negatively, at times when they want your help, you feel good helping them so it gets filled positively.

Certainty. Your certainty your in a relationship and have routines, sometimes the certainty is positive sometimes negative.

Uncertainty. As you never know what mood they’ll be in next, what they’ll do next. Why they are doing what they do, a narcissistic relationship fills your need for uncertainty.

Growth, when they come back and you try again, you feel like you’re growing and changing together, this never truly fulfils growth as it’s only ever temporary.

Contribution. All the things you do for them, fills your need for contribution on a sky-high level, as you’re always giving more and more to them whilst you slowly lose yourself.

As Tony Robbins said, who discovered the human needs. You can fill these negatively, neutrally or positively and when you do something either by, action, emotionally or experience and when one thing fills three of these needs you become addicted. So narcissistic relationship is highly addictive.

You can fill these needs in other ways to break the bond.

Love and connection, significance, growth and contribution. many who’ve been through abusive relationship often go forward to help other, if this is a career change, to helping children from abusive relationships, social worker, psychologist, guidance counsellor, or helping on support groups, you feel connected as you’ve had similar story’s. You feel like you’re contributing, you feel like you’re learning and when you’re learning you’re growing. Learn to love yourself again, and those good people around you. This also helps uncertainty as you step into the unknown and start a new thing. Certainty creates new routines, new dreams, start new hobbies, meet new people, read. There are many positive ways to fill those human needs back up and live a much happier life.

Things you do that a narcissist Hates.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Narcissistic people seem to get a real kick out of going around destroying others, without a second thought. Looking like they’ve swanned off into the sunset, with your past, present and future, most of us are left trying to work out what went off and why are they so happy and still trying to destroy us.

The best thing you can ever do is go no contact, here’s a few thing narcissist hate you doing before and after the relationship, often getting them to up their games to hurt you more, if you’re trying to co-parent parent with all the manipulative they through at your, here are a few things to avoid. Also helps with family members you can not completely remove as you might lose good family members for doing so, or work colleagues.

1. When you say no.

A narcissistic person always believes they are right, they are above all others, they love taking down other boundaries one by one. This doesn’t mean don’t say no to them, this means, say you no, mean you’re no, expect the unexpected as they up their games to break down your boundaries. Do not react to them. They are not wanting your reasons, they are not wanted to compromise. They only want to win at all costs. They will use all your weaknesses against you. So be prepared. Stick to your no, do not respond and do not react.

2. When you see through them and no longer play their games.

Once you have a greater awareness of who they truly are, why they do what they do, and stop reacting towards them, they feel powerless and weak, resulting again in most narcissistic people, upping their games. Their pride and their ego are damaged, when you’re no longer listening to their lies. This is one of those moments when they’ll tell you. “You’re crazy.” As they try endless tactics to get you to doubt your reality and nothing’s working. By no longer playing their games, harms their self-importance and control over others.

3. When you start doing things that make you happy and becoming yourself again.

Most Narcissistic parents hate it when they lose control over their children. As you grow and distance yourself, having a life of your own, they’ll often pity play, or try making you feel guilty for being yourself, A narcissistic ex-partner, doesn’t want to see others happy or doing better than them, they feel great envy and jealous, they may up their games by,

  • Trying to show off the new partner off to you.
  • Letting down the children, using the most precious things you care for against you.
  • Mind games with the children.
  • Trying to hoover you, just so they can destroy you all over again.
  • Try to ruin your plans any way they can.
  • Threaten you.
  • Smear your name.

A narcissistic person simply believes they should be the centre of attention, they do not care for positive or negative, they just want you thinking about them. Whoever the narcissist is in your life, this is why it’s best you don’t let them know anything about you, blocking flying monkeys, if it’s regarding children. Simple facts to the point on a need to know basis. They resent others being happy as they are so unhappy with themselves.

4. When you no longer feel fear or guilt towards them.

They want to be in control at all cost, they want you full of fear, afraid to speak up or go against them, they want you feeling guilty. So you give in and do exactly what they want. Narcissist parents, friends, work colleagues and partners can use these tactics to make you conform. They might threaten you with secrets, your deepest fears. Some are dangerous, so stay safe, others are not and are full of empty threats. Or guilt trip you with pity plays, from faking illnesses to saying you’re hurting someone you love by not giving into the narcissist’s demands. So long as your intentions are good. Listen to yourself and your instincts and not the self-doubt their toxic words are trying to feed you.

5. When you put the blame back onto who it belongs.

The narcissist is deluded. They even delude themselves, they don’t feel guilt or remorse, they feel shame, to remove that shame, they blame all others, projecting and blame shifting all their insecurities, wrong doings and problems onto others, they can not handle it when you’ll not take the blame. Be prepared for them. “You’re crazy.” Or you’re insecure, you’re sensitive.” Then the. “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” Do not react, they’re not looking to sort it out. They’re looking to put all responsibility onto you so they are not accountable and don’t feel the same. When they are smearing you to others and you rise above not reacting, they hate this as it’s destroying the illusion they are trying to pass onto others about you, they will up their games to try and get you to react so they can say. “See I told you they were.”

6. When you move on with your life, reconnect with old friends and family. Find your confidence, inner love, sense of self and happiness.

This is why it’s best they know as little about you as possible as if they believe you’re doing well without them, they will come for the hoover, as they believe they can use you again to meet a need. Narcissistic people also isolate you by triangulation, manipulation and gaslighting, they want you alone, so you only have them for a reality check, then when they are bored they can swoop back in whenever they want to rescue you, then destroy you again. This is why it’s best if you don’t want the hoover they know nothing about you. If it’s friends or family, the less they know the better, the less they belittle you and try to plants seeds of doubt in your mind about others, so you’ll no longer need to go to them for a reality check. Always look inwards to yourself and your instincts. They want to be in control of all others. Using any manipulation method they can.

7. When you leave and never go back.

This is one where most narcissistic people will try to destroy you any way they possibly can, they feel great criticism. They want and need power and control as they believe they are above all others. They want to be able to use others whenever it suits a need for them.

To a narcissist, people are an appliance. Where we buy a mobile phone, then if we damage it by cracking the screen we either get it fixed or buy a new, if the new one breaks, we might see if we can make do with the old one, Until the new one is fixed, or we can purchase another new one. If we lose our phones, most of us are annoyed with ourselves.

They want all others to be dependent on them, they want people to believe they are nothing without them. It breaks their illusion of power and control when others just walk away. Again don’t let them know anything about you, if they think you have something to offer, something they can use, they will either try to win you back to use you or destroy you.

Some narcissistic people are lazy, will just leave you alone, others give up their games quicker. Some my fear you outing them and leave you alone. Some will up their games.

Continue working on you, making your life great, leaving the past behind. And having a much more positive happy life.

Things a narcissistic person will do in a relationship.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw-Life Coach.

Coming away from any relationship with a narcissist is devastating if that was your parents, a close friend, family member or your partner.

The painful memories of the past, slowly putting the pieces together, often whilst the narcissist in your life is still playing some form of a game. Trying to destroy you when you’re already down and trying to pick yourself back up.

A narcissist relationship can leave people with.

  • Anxiety.
  • Depression.
  • Adrenaline fatigue.
  • Physical illnesses.
  • CPTSD.
  • Trauma bonding, and so many more.

Often left feeling crazy with little or no self-esteem. Losing jobs, money, homes, your possessions, some lose their children and their sanity.

Trying to work out what actually happened and fitting the pieces of your life back together is hard enough, yet with the trauma bond, the fact they can play nice, your reactions at times from being provoked to no creating boundaries, going no contact, and putting your life back together you are left feeling as though you’re fighting for your life and no one understands. Unfortunately far too many of us go through this in silence, you are not alone In this, people have recovered, there is help and support out there. If they were a narcissist or not, toxic people create just as much misery and mayhem in our lives. it often leaves us with more self-doubt, so here are a few things narcissistic people do in relationships.

  • A narcissist will continue to change you in horrifying, unexpected ways, so if it was your parents, you might have never truly felt like you fitted in or known who you were. A relationship you Might have felt your true self slip through your fingers. As you constantly changed to please them, this also happens with friendships as you lose your boundaries constantly trying to do right by them and doing wrong by you. Most children grow up with no real sense of identity if they had narcissistic parents, if your partner was narcissist by the time you get out, most have lost their sense of identity and feel completely broken.
  • They will tell you they love you. Some narcissistic parent might not always be forthcoming with this. Partners will be very quick to tell you how much they love you. They love bomb you to earn your love, as they need to use that love against you. A narcissist “I love you.” Means “I’ll use you.”
  • With parents, you trust them and look up to them for guidance and support, yet as you never really truly know where you stand with them, you grow up with little trust within yourself, not understanding what true trust in a relationship feels like. With friends and partners they’ll earn your trust in the start, treating you better than anyone ever has, you open up to them, as you want to believe the good in everyone, once they’ve earned your trust they’ll slowly start to manipulate you. They will them start to use all your vulnerability’s and weaknesses against you. Usually when you’re in too deep to simply walk away.
  • Most narcissistic people will try to isolate you, friends and co-workers will use triangulate to pit you against other people. Smearing your name to others. Or telling you things they’ve said about you, which most often they haven’t. Parents will play siblings off against each other and often the healthy parent against you. Whilst you’re so young you don’t even realise it’s happening, narcissistic partners will also try to isolate you from your support network, keeping you with them as you’ve nowhere to go and no one to turn to. A narcissist likes to divide and conquer so that everyone turns to them for the reality check.
  • They trap you, be it parents, friends or partners, they want to make you so week that you no longer know reality and can only turn to them. They trap you by using your fears and weaknesses against you, by gaslighting you. Isolating you, lying to you, then blame shifting it all into you, so you believe you are broken and you need them like no one else will have you. They love to bomb you at times, including some narcissistic parents, they’ll treat you so right and lift you up, just to bring you crashing back down.
  • They will destroy you, your self-trust, self-love, self-worth. Self-respect, self-esteem. Who you are will be taken apart bit by bit. A parent will make sure you don’t know who you are. A partner of friends will manipulate you so much you no longer know who you are. They can destroy you financially as well as physically and always emotionally.

You can move past this and rebuild who you are and create who you want to be.

For those who are extremely toxic no contact, parent, friend or partner.

Those who are less toxic, and it would mean cutting of other family members, limiting your time around them, giving them no reactions, understanding who they are, why they do what they do.

Ways to recover.

  • Work on your self-trust, listening to your instincts and not others telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing.
  • Rebuild your confidence, start by smiling at people, then saying hello, the paying someone a compliment.
  • Rebuild your boundaries, if it doesn’t feel comfortable to you, say no and mean you know.
  • Rebuild your self-love, you are perfect as you are anything you don’t like about yourself work to change it, make sure it’s something you don’t like and not what others have planted in your mind.
  • Rebuild your self-esteem, find a vision, Create new hobbies and new routines that suit you, try new activities to see what you enjoy and who you are.
  • Anxiety work in your triggers, so you can see them coming. Tell yourself “I am safe now,” have an anchor though. Or bring yourself back into the present moment.
  • Get over that trauma bonding, is like weaning yourself off a drug, get addicted to something else, something positive, painting, singing, dancing learning, anything that fills at least three of your human needs in a positive way, contribution, growth, significance, certainty, uncertainty, love and connection. You can do this by connecting with others who been through it, helping others who’ve been through it, meeting new people along the way.
  • Self-respect, again your boundaries building them back up, learning what your own values and beliefs are.
  • In moments of doubt, find one thing you are grateful for. Then as you take the baby steps, when you have a wobble find two, the more you progress find three.

Keep going you’ve got this, you are worthy, you are beautiful.

Creating boundaries around toxic, narcissistic people.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw Life-Coach.

Creating boundaries to start is extremely difficult, you might think you’re turning into a narcissist, the narcissist has no boundaries so keeps upping their game to try and step over yours. Often leaving you full of self-doubt as they say things like. “You’re awkward.” Or “you’re being unreasonable.” Then the. “You’re just bitter and jealous.” Or their favourite. “You’re crazy.” Making you question your own choices and sanity. When it’s not you that’s the problem. It’s them that cannot handle people sticking up for themselves. It’s their insecurities that cannot handle others being happy and moving on. They are saying these things to break down your boundaries and gain control over you.

If something doesn’t feel right or makes you unhappy to say yes. If something’s doesn’t give you the inner peace you need to say no and stick to your no, remember why you said no and don’t let their words affect your answer. The problem is with them having no respect for another person’s boundaries. The problem is not you.

Most narcissistic people believe they are above the law. They want power and control over others, they hate people setting boundaries on them.

As soon as they step over one boundary, they’ll go for another. The only way to stop this is to stop playing, stick to your boundaries. Often they’ll not even listen to court orders, every time they break these, call the authorities, every time.

How to create and stick to your boundaries. If you’re still in the relationship, or if it’s a work colleague, friend or family member, or you’re out of the relationship and the narcissist is still coming out you. You have most likely found it extremely difficult to set boundaries.

If it wasn’t your parents that were narcissistic think back to what your standards, beliefs and values were before you got into a toxic relationship and how they changed.

If you’ve stayed in a narcissistic relationship longer than you should, or your parents were narcissistic, do you know what your boundaries are?

Narcissists have a great many manipulative ways, to break down other peoples boundaries, from gaslighting to the silent treatment, blame shifting to triangulation. Sometimes they do it simply to amuse themselves. Like jabbing you in the side or groping you hard. And when you say “that hurts please don’t.” They’ll tell you things like. “You’re too sensitive.” Or “My ex never minded.” They’ll sulk or go on the silent treatment. Or “if you loved me you wouldn’t mind. They break down the smaller boundaries that you know others might not have. The cruelty and calculated go after the bigger ones. During and after the relationship.

When you have to stand up to them, you might have physical and mental symptoms of anxiety, fear, dizzy, feeling sick, feeling scared, feeling confused about what’s right and wrong. This is what the narcissist wants to remain control over you.

They will push and push and push to ware you down, hurt you, upset you and confuse you, they do this so you give up your fight, give into them and accept defeat for an easier life, though it’ll not get easier as once they’ve got one they’ll go after them all.

Whenever you speak up for your beliefs, values, boundaries or instincts the narcissist will most often tell you. “You’re insecure.” To fill you with self-doubt and give in to them.

Any weaknesses or fears you have, the narcissist will learn and continue to use them against you, to break you down even more.

They will not soothe your fears, they’ll do their best to make you fear more. They’ll up the manipulation to leave you feeling worthless and full of self-doubt. They train you not to stand up for your self, through fear of the rage, silent treatments and often them blaming their behaviour on something you did by blame-shifting, leaving you with more self-doubt and fear.

  • A narcissist will overstep your boundaries.
  • You stand firm with your boundaries.
  • A narcissist will triangulate, blame shift, rage, gaslight, pled, push, provoke, prod, belittle you.
  • You give up the fight as your left hurt and confused and try to keep the peace.
  • Then they start with another boundary of yours and the same pattern repeats until you lose the fight to stand up for yourself or set any in the first place.

Basic boundaries to set up if you’ve not already got any. It’s hard to set boundaries if you’re a people pleaser, you need to understand, good people will respect and understand you for your boundaries, setting good boundaries are amazing to deal breakers to remove toxic people from your life without the need for red flags. Boundaries are for how much you give and how much you receive. There are things you wouldn’t tell your children that you’d tell your partner. Things you’d tell your partner that you wouldn’t tell your mother etc. Things you’d do for those that you wouldn’t do for the other. Boundaries do vary depending on whom it with.

Building up your self-esteem will help build up your boundaries, knowing who you are, working on your inners self, what you do and do not feel comfortable with doing. Listening and tuning into your instincts will help you build boundaries.

  1. No contact or grey rock with those who’ve previously continued to hurt you and step over your boundaries.
  2. Giving them no reactions when they provoke you, do not defend yourself or respond, they will use it to try and further manipulate you.
  3. Observe what they do. Do not absorb.
  4. What are your core values, what do you feel comfortable and uncomfortable in doing, if something makes you feel uncomfortable it needs to be a no, you do not need a reason other then you don’t feel comfortable?
  5. Does something annoy you or irritate you, then it needs to be a no?
  6. Are you fed up of loaning money or your car to certain people, then it needs to be a no if you’re happy doing so with those who do in return them yes.

Values vary between each individual person and what theirs are. Also the person you are dealing with. So you might loan someone money. Who you know will lay you back, help you out etc. Say no to those who you know are only using you.

  • If someone crosses a boundary remind them what they are, good people will apologise.
  • If they continue to cross them, you need to take action.
  • If they show up for the children unannounced don’t answer the door.
  • If they’re not supposed to come near you and they do call the police.
  • If they are late (allowing traffic.) to collect children without letting you know to set a time limit and go out. Next time they need to show when they said they would.
  • If they borrowed money and never paid you back. Don’t loan them any more.
  • Be consistent, make sure your actions match your words.
  • If they keep trying to cross the same boundaries, let them go.
  • If someone will not respect your boundaries, do you need them in your life? Are they taking more than they are willing to give? Do they constantly hurt you or let you down?

Some narcissist will up their games when you start putting boundaries into place do not give in, they will eventually give up.

People test boundaries once or twice, when they’re not narcissistic, especially children.

Things you can control.

  • Your words.
  • Your ideas.
  • Your actions.
  • Your mistakes.
  • Your behaviour.
  • Your effort.

Things outside of your control.

  • Other peoples feelings towards you.
  • Others intentions.
  • Others actions.
  • Others behaviour.
  • Others mistakes.
  • Others words.

So long as whatever you do has good intentions behind them, good people will respect and understand these, toxic or narcissistic people will try to bring you down.

The ways narcissists try to destroy you.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw-Life Coach.

Ways the narcissist will try and destroy you.

A narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum. So some are extremely dangerous and you’ll need to move miles away from, others will give up as its too much effort, some you can limit contact around so their negativity doesn’t rub off on you.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, no matter where they are on the spectrum, if you’re not extremely careful, they will drain you, mentality, physically, emotionally and financially. Your mental health and your physical health will suffer.

You may like to see the good in all those around you and want to help, especially those you love. Narcissistic people are often extremely good at making you believe they have changed or that they want to change and convincing others to help them.

If you’re annoyed with yourself for how many times you’ve forgiven them if you’ve taken them back endless times believing they have changed. If you’re trying not to fall for another hoover. Remember before when you fell for one of their schemes to win you back.

When you’ve taken them back before, your body will have released dopamine, which gives you a natural high, with all the narcissists’ false promises and treating you so well, you will believe this time it will work.

It’s all in the narcissists’ games, to love bomb you, raise you so high, then devalue you and then come back to rescue you or discard you, then come back to rescue you.

All these highs and lows keep you trauma bonded from them, the cure, weaning yourself off them if you’re still with them, or cold turkey if they’ve left you, you may think you love them, they’ve actually made you trauma bonded to them, to break this you need limited or no contact.

When they just disappear on you, for a few hours, weeks or days, all one big scheme that ends up with you thinking about them. 24/7 often trying to call and message them, getting in touch with friends and family, trying to reach out and find out if they are ok. Leaving you with abandonment issues and low self-esteem, This may lead you to apologise and begging for forgiveness even though you don’t know what you have done, in order that they stay. Narcissists will not have only done this to you, they will most likely have done it to ex’s and they will most often do this with any future partners they have.

Being overly nice to you, then asking for a loan or some form of favour, they may have been over-generous at the beginning of the relationship, so when they needed something in return, you felt obligated to help, yet they will ask for more help, the more you give, the more they will want and take from you, a lot of people will be left in financial ruin after a narcissistic relationship, some will have signed loans for them, signed houses over, or given them money for business ideas. They may find ways of getting you to pay for everything with pity play, especially those who are unemployed.

Whenever you think you’ve finally figured it all out and made the narcissist happy again, they’ll flick that switch, narcissist will change you into someone you no longer know, who you are, how you dress, what you think and believe, they conditioned you with manipulation methods so you go to them for a reality check, they will also condition you, so everything about you becomes ways of you making them happy, so that they have full control over you. You end up walking on eggshells in order to do your personal best to keep the narcissist happy. You can not keep a narcissist happy, they will just move the goal posts every time you think you’ve figured it out, so you try harder and harder to please them whilst losing more and more of yourself.

When it comes to separation, divorce and the children, they may seem to play fair in the start, this is in case they change their mind about the new partner. As soon as they know the new partner is hooked, they will them slowly try to ruin you.

After the relationship narcissists believe you deserve nothing, they will tell you, you’re a liar, your a gold digger, you’re harming the children, they will do anything to win at all costs, usually, it’s you and the children that end up paying the price.

A narcissistic relationship can leave you with so many health problems, once you learn what you’re dealing with, you’ll learn if you can co-parent, parallel parent, or have to move miles away from them, friends and family members you suspect is on the spectrum, you’ll learn if you can just limited contact, keep them at arms length, or if you just need to remove them completely from your life.

The only way to win against a narcissist is to stop playing their games, this is extremely hard as they know all your weaknesses and will use them against you, this cuts deep, do not let them know this, do not react to them, if at all possible do not respond, someone who cares about you would not use your weaknesses against you, whatever they do, nasty or nice, they are in it for one person only, themselves.

It is extremely hard to start, especially if they are using the children, learning they don’t think like we do, they don’t truly care its all an act to get their needs met and keep us confused, helps us make sense of it and not reacting or responding, gets easier and life becomes peaceful, some narcissistic people will up the games, stay focused and stay strong.

You can recover, heal and go onto have a lovely happy, more peaceful life. You just have to work one you, once you start, if you have any setback, learn from them and keep moving forward to a much happier life for you.

The car journey with a narcissist.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw-Life Coach.

Yes, a simple drive in a car with a narcissist can lead to further manipulate of you, as most of you will know.

A narcissistic person likes power and control and will use a car journey as a perfect excuse. If they are going somewhere they don’t want to, they will go all out to ruin it for you. If they feel criticism in some way either before or during the journey, to take back power and control over you. The criticism could have happened days or weeks ago, at that moment before getting into the car, or during the journey.

Narcissistic people trap their targets in many ways, from the love bombing in the start, onto the relationship, hooking you in, getting you addicted to them through trauma bonding and the human needs, through all the highs and lows they put you through. They trap you through financial abuse, either making it so you can no longer work. Or guilt tripping you into taking loans out for them, some will take loans out in your name without you even knowing. The devaluation traps you into working harder to please them, through all the gaslighting the way they discard without closure traps you with them running around your mind. Isolating you from friends and family. Smearing your name so no one understands you, taking you to court whilst you’re hurt and confused to inflict more devastation on you.

  • They might have been the narcissist that wanted you to serve them and drive them everywhere.
  • Driving at excessive speeds.
  • Pulling over miles away from home and telling you to get out of the car and walk.
  • Breaking or swerving if you are about to take a drink.
  • Breaking hard list to send you flying.
  • Overtaking at a dangerous place or at a dangerous speed.
  • Causing an argument before arriving at a special event, then walk in all happy, smearing you.
  • Giving you the silent treatment.
  • assaulting you physically.
  • Assaulting you verbally.
  • Driving in the dark turning lights off
  • Going somewhere then changing direction not letting you know where you are now going.
  • Swerving all over the road.
  • Questioning you and cross-examining you over something you did or did not do.
  • Poking fun at you.
  • If you’re driving poking you.
  • Driving in silence after provoking an argument, into the middle of nowhere, with that cold dark stare.
  • Threatening to drive full speed into something, or over something.
  • Saying their point then turning the music up loud.
  • They may even get out and walk off.
  • They might throw your phone from the car.
  • They might provoke you to cause an argumentative, film your confused angry reactions. Then post to social media to help their smear campaigns against you.

These can have devastating effects on you, leaving you angry, scared, devastated, confident or hurt, depending on the tactic. Often with the narcissists. “I’m only joking.” Or “you’re too sensitive I was only having a laugh.” Yet you weren’t and it wasn’t funny, to them that’s the idea to gain power and control over you.

A few ways to move past those memories.

1. If you’ve been in any of these situations, write them out to release them, write what they did and how you felt. Talk to others who’ve been through the same and understand how it made you feel so you can release this and move on.

2. If you are still with a narcissist that uses these tactics. Find a safe way out of the relationship, call women’s aid, men’s aid etc.

3. Try to avoid getting in a car with them if they use this tactic on a regular basis.

4. Once out of the relationship, remind yourself you are safe now, try to find the senses of humour side. I understand this isn’t easy when you’ve been through a traumatic experience, yet a lot of people have discovered finding the humour of the narcissist’s outrageous behaviour, helps them move past the memory of fear.

5. When you can look at the narcissist as a spoilt toddler, trying to demand and get their own way, when you can pity them for being unable to help themselves, this can also help you move forward.

6. Try to think back to the very first time it happened, then what lead up to it. Scream out in anger, say exactly what you’d like to say if they were stood in front of you to them. ( although don’t actually go and say it to them.)

7. When the memories crop up or get triggered, remind yourself you are safe now, bring yourself to the present moment. Or breath counting to 30. Slow deep breaths. Tell yourself “I am safe now.”

8. Your brains memories have emotions attached, so retraining your mind helps move past these traumatic events, often why if you can find the humours side, your mind retrains itself to find the joy in the present moment, as you have reprogrammed that emotional attachment to the memories.

Lies narcissistic people tell.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Narcissists lies, why they lie and some examples of the most common lies they all seem to tell.

A narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, most people can have a trait or two, those with all the traits use them in different manipulative ways, some will lie more than others, some are extremely abusive and you have to move miles away from, others are not. So you can counteract and handle yourself around them and not have to fully remove them from your lives, negativity breeds negativity so you wouldn’t want to spend to much time around those you can not completely remove from your life.

Most people will lie at some point in their lives, sometimes because you don’t want to hurt others, yet people with empathy towards others, will feel guilty and want to come clean often leading them to avoid lying in the future. Usually resorting to white lies that protect others, as they are aware of the consequences of lying.

Narcissistic people, do not have guilt, remorse, empathy, as they live in their own reality and they only use others, there is nothing to stop the extent of the lies they tell others or the amount they tell, they may feel shame deep within themselves, often why they will blame others, or blatantly lie that they didn’t lie.

Narcissists believe that lies work for them, so they will adopt many lies, to suit a situation and meet their own needs, walking straight over all others, who stand in their way, with some the amount of lies they tell, and believing their own lies to be reality making their lies even more convincing to others. They lie through instinct to deny others reality and to keep denying so that their needs are met.

  • They lie to get admiration and positivity energy.
  • They lie to confuse you and your own reality.
  • They lie to anger you and get your reactions.
  • They lie to control others and to control their reality, to get their needs met.
  • They lie to escape accountability and protect themselves.
  • They are self-entitled to believe they are justified to lie in order to protect themselves and get their needs met.
  • They lie so they don’t suffer any consequences to their own actions.

1. They will lie by saying. “That never happened.” To get you to question reality, or. “I told you last week, you must be losing your mind.” They didn’t tell you anything again it’s so you question your own reality.

2. They will lie to influence others. “I’m really looking forward to coming home to see you.” They’re not they just want you to believe they are. “I own ex’s house and have to pay all mortgage and bills as they’re too lazy to work and I have to support the children.” They do not they just want you to believe they are a good person. “I would never cheat, my ex cheated on me and I know how horrible it is.” Influencing you to trust them.

3. They will lie by exaggerating the truth to make them look better than they are, any achievements they will exaggerate, as they see no problem in making themselves look better, as they believe they are better.

4. They will lie to play victim to gain sympathy. “My ex treated me horribly, we are no longer together but I’m struggling to leave because of the children.”

5. They will lie by telling you something they did, but not telling you the whole Story. “ I’ve got to work late.” They may well be working late, but they’ll leave out the part that after work they went to meet someone.

6. They will lie with admitting partial truths, “I’ve been to see person A.” They may well have been to see them, they’ll not tell you what they’ve actually been doing with that person.

7. They will lie by blame shifting. “If you were a loving person that gave me what I needed, I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere.” Again leaving you to question yourself.

8. They will lie by giving you the silent treatment. When confronted about something, they just stay quiet, not giving you the truth, just saying nothing at all, leaving you questioning if they didn’t lie and you’ve hurt their feelings.

9. They will deflect lie, by twisting it onto something similar you have done. “ well you went out with person A last week I’ve no idea what you got up to, I just trust you.” Making you doubt yourself for questioning them in the first place.

Narcissist learns through life that it is to them it’s far easier to lie than, to tell the truth, often ending up believing their own lies to be the reality.

They are like a three-year-old caught red-handed with a bag of sweets you told them they couldn’t eat until after tea, yet whilst still eating these sweets blaming their siblings for getting them, or pretending they didn’t hear you say no, or they’re sure you said yes. Most people feel guilty and learn to grow out of this, a narcissist is a toddler, throwing lies and tantrums in an adults body.