Contribution In A Pandemic, And How To Handle The Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Tony Robbins six human needs Contribution. We all need food, water, air and shelter. These are our fundamental human needs. The six human needs are for our emotional/ mental development. There are free tests online to find out your top two.

Human needs are what give us fulfilment or un-fulfilment. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.

Human needs are.

1. Contribution.

2. Growth.

3. Certainty.

4. Significance.

5. Love and connection.

6. Uncertainty/variety.

Contribution.

We all have a need to contribute, we all have a desire to help others. To share great things that have happened within our lives, to connect and talk with our loved ones, or share negative things that we once experienced when it ended up positive in order to help others see they can get there too. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes when we are living in uncertain, devastation and heartbreaking times when life just seems so unfair, it is easy for our minds to focus on those negatives, and not so easy to find those positives, those things to be grateful for or those opportunities that are around us, it takes a great deal of determination to keep our minds on those things we need to focus when there’s a lot of negativity or heartbreak around us especially when times are so uncertain.

When we help a vulnerable person out with their shopping, yes we’ve helped, and we didn’t have to, yet we also feel good for doing so, there are many ways to contribute to others to fill our need for contribution, from washing someone’s clothes to making them a meal, helping with finances, providing any kind of help or services to someone other than ourselves. Whether we get paid in cash or self-gratification. When we share good experiences with others, it becomes greater than just ourselves.

With the Covid-19 some people are carrying on as normal, not understanding that bars, restaurants, pubs, clubs and schools haven’t been shut for a laugh so they can all mingle at the park or the seaside, but we can not explain to those, if they wanted to listen they would, they’re most likely living in anxiety without knowing it, yet one that’s causing them to act negatively and irresponsibly, they’re trying to fill there needs up, yet doing so in a negative way. They are certain they are going out, feel significant that they’ll not going to be told what to do and also feel connected as they meet others, not understanding the invisible, deadly virus will be loving their reckless behaviour, why governments will then step in and lock us down, they asked we defied, governments then take further action to protect our Doctors, nurses and other health care professionals from becoming too overwhelmed.

Those who are staying in might feel bad as they might feel they’re not contributing and feel selfish for staying in, those in these categories are contributing significantly by no longer mixing and staying well out of the way, so our health services and those trying to save lives don’t become any more overwhelmed than they already are.

However you Handle this, there is only your way, and if we all play our part in society, whatever that part is for you, we will come back from this, with a better understanding of our beliefs, our values and our morals.

Tony Robbins “any time your mind believes that by doing something, believing something, or by feeling something it meets three of your human needs you become addicted. You can be positivity addicted or negatively addicted, but you’re going to become addicted. Any time your mind believes you’re meeting three of your human needs. Though, feeling, emotion or action, you will become addicted.”

When it comes to a relationship with a narcissist, we become highly addicted to a narcissistic person as subconsciously they fill so many of our needs, as these needs can be met negatively, neutral or positivity, at the start of the relationship it’s most often positive, then neutral and the end negatively.

When it comes to contribution and having a narcissistic boss, we fill our role and our needs by contributing to the workplace and society. When it’s our parents, we feel we owe them for raising us, even though they abused us, mentally or physically, or both, when a parent is abusing a child often the children don’t stop loving the parent, they stop loving themselves, the children are left full off uncertainty and self-doubts, often doing all they can to please others to feel loved. A narcissistic partner we believe we are contributing towards them, cooking teas, washing clothes, buying them cars, helping them out etc. Most narcissists never truly meet their need for contribution, as they are only ever willing to give to receive, so they are always looking for more and never satisfied or happy deep within themselves. Those not on the disorder often give without realising they are receiving, even when it’s only receiving the gift of feeling good.

There are free tests online to discover which are your top two human needs, as these are the ones we need to fill the most to find our true happiness.

Once you break free, and in current times if you start to consciously fill these needs up in other areas of your life, it will help you break the addiction to the narcissist, and reduce stress levels, as your mind will be focused on achieving the right things for you.

If you’re in isolation or lockdown with a narcissist, and with emotions running high, anxieties fairing up, we can also be quicker to lose our patience or burst into tears. As narcissistic people believe it’s all about them, part of their disorder is the trait of entitlement so they might be coming at you to keep the children quiet, to make sure their food is ready how and when they like it, they might have plenty of opinions on how the world should be run as part of their disorder is arrogance, we can all have opinions at this time, yet as narcissists feel entitled and preoccupied with power and control, some can take theirs to the extreme, Narcissists believe the rules don’t apply to them. Don’t try to explain to them why they should be washing hands ( which we should all do anyway.) or be staying in until isolation period is over, just do your personal best to protect yourself and loved ones.

Remember their behaviour is not because of you. It’s because of their disorder if they are on the spectrum, educating yourself on the disorder if you haven’t already would be helpful.

When they are chipping away at you, when they are putting you down, or invalidating what you are doing, the best response is no response, if you really need to, responses such as. “I like what I’m wearing. I’m sorry you don’t.” “you’re perspectives are very interesting.” Especially when what they think about the current situation isn’t what you think, but they want you to agree with them. “Yes, that’s true.” Even if it isn’t, it’s all about keeping the peace, you don’t need to argue your point, they’ll not agree with you unless you agree with them, and they’ll not compromise, when they are fed up, they’ll do all they can to argue. Remember you don’t have to take part in every argument you’re invited to. “Okay if that’s how you feel it how you feel I understand.” You’re letting them know you acknowledge how they feel and you understand they think that way without agreeing with them if you think differently. When they come at you with things like, it’s your fault, or you wouldn’t survive this without me. Just smile am agree, it’s not easy giving these people the acknowledgement and attention they don’t always deserve, however, if it makes your life less stressful, it’s worth a try.

Remember their behaviour is not your fault, we are only responsible for our own behaviours, if they are gaslighting you, as most of them do, keep a diary, talk to others in online support groups, to get advice and tips that will help you through, leave the advice that doesn’t help you, implement the advice that does.

Look after yourself, try to pamper yourself, whatever that is to you, lifting weights in the home, having a bath, relaxing any way you can find, sit and read that book you’ve wanted to.

Today think about three things you can be grateful for, three things you see that good within the world, and three things you’d like to and can do with imagination in your own home.

Keep going. You will move past this and onto a much more fulfilled, happier life.

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Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

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All about the narcissist Online course.

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Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

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Finding the right support for you.

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Did the narcissist love me?

Help With Anxiety.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse by, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach

A narcissistic relationship with anyone, a romantic relationship or a parental relationship leaves a lot of wounds to heal, co-workers, bosses and friends can also leave us with anxiety.

Rational anxiety is normal, unfortunately, when our minds are around negative, uncertain environments. This rational anxiety once out can leave us with irrational anxiety, as our subconscious has been programmed long term to protect us.

As a narcissist is gaslighting us with psychological abuse, often leaving us with self-doubt and lack of self-esteem. They also provoke us for that reaction, and they will then project their wrongdoings onto us and blame us, leaving us feeling like we are to blame and full of guilt, with the added psychological abuse of the silent treatments, invalidation etc., leaving us questioning what we did wrong, often leaving us walking on eggshells around them, no longer being able to speak up for ourself and full off anxiety through fear of reactions and the self-doubt they’ve planted in our mind.

Some of us can be feeling calm in the current Coronavirus pandemic, others our anxieties can be levelling up a notch or ten.

Our nervous systems are wired to look at our environment for threats or danger to help keep us alive, and it’s also looking for safety, when we feel or see some form of danger we can the focus in on it, so we can try to prepare to take action if we need to, fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

So with the current Coronavirus pandemic, you will see around you, heroes, villains and people trying to stay nobodies. Doesn’t make those selfish, villains, Narcissistic or wrong, we can fight Covid-19 by helping others, or panic buying to be prepared, we can take flight shut shop ( which we also must do for our own safety social distancing to protect others as well as ourselves.) but those who lockdown before governments lockdown, freeze or fawn, you might find hear some of the older generations still going about their day, and when we ask them to self-isolate we can get a reply of. “When you’re times up, it’s up.” fawning.

With the uncertainty around an invisible virus that we don’t know when it’ll will be near us, who it will infect, who will be mild or severe cases.

With most people our fight or flight response, just line in a narcissistic relationship when we can not see the invisible danger as it’s all done through manipulation we don’t even know or see at the time we are in it, our fight or flight response is getting prepared to do battle, with nowhere for that extra energy to go, why we can snap so easily, cry so quickly, we can become extremely anxious.

Symptoms of anxiety are.

Common physical symptoms

  1. Dizziness
  2. Fatigue
  3. Changes in a heartbeat.
  4. Muscle tension.
  5. Shaking.
  6. Excessive sweating.
  7. A dry mouth.
  8. Shortness of breath.
  9. Nausea
  10. Headaches.
  11. Sleep disturbance.
  12. Stomach aches.

Emotional and effects are.

  1. A sense of fear or dread.
  2. Difficulty concentrating.
  3. Irritability.
  4. Loss of confidence.
  5. Feeling disconnected from the world, friends and family.
  6. Feeling unsettled on edge or restless.

Anxiety can affect all areas of our life, living with anxiety can make us withdraw from life itself. We can overcome our anxiety with simple steps and work. We can recognise our fears and find a coping mechanism to handle them the correct way for our individual needs.

Anxiety causes chaos in the mind and body, leaving our mind to react strongly to certain events or situations.

Fear usually manifests in the case of danger, yet there may be no rational danger when anxiety hits, although your mind truly believes it is rational. Yet because there is an invisible danger out there, we just don’t know where it can send our anxieties rising.

Once we’ve been through one anxiety attack, our mind prompts us to avoid any situation or place where we’ve experienced it before, a natural defence mechanism to help us. Avoidance is our minds way of trying to protect us. Once we’ve experienced pain, if our mind believes it is going to experience it again, anxiety kicks in thinking it’s protecting us. It’s natures way for us to avoid stressful situations when it’s a rational fear; it serves us well when it’s irrational, it starts to become counterproductive and work against us.

In an attempt to protect ourself, our mind sends out warning signals. It sends us into a state of hyper-vigilance. So we start avoiding places and people. Understanding why it happens helps us manage our anxieties, and anxiety will work in favour for some people as we do need to keep our distance and not mix, but we do still need to communicate with others.

Anxiety isn’t caused by one single factor, and it’s usually a build-up of a combination of things, difficult life experiences can be one cause, when we start to feel anxious we often turn to things that give us comfort, food, wine etc. If it helps do it, if it makes you feel worse, in the long run, don’t, it’s our life to find what helps us and what hinders us. When it hinders, it’s time to create new coping strategies. Being aware and assessing the negative effects is key. So if having a glass of wine or two helps and we can carry on great, if having two bottles gets us texting random stuff to those we shouldn’t, replying to things we shouldn’t on social media threads, and waking up feeling worse it’s time to change it. If we’re comfort eating then feel worse afterwards, all we are doing is feeding our anxiety, and it may feel hard, it might feel painful to start but going for a walk, running up and downstairs for five minutes instead will help release endorphins and help us feel much better instead of that comfort food. To help calm our anxiety, we’ve got to deal with the underlying issues first.

Everyone has an inner voice, however, after an abusive relationship, and if we struggle with anxiety, it can work against us. Our inner critic can hold us back, and it can self-sabotage so many areas in our life.

We need to identify it and challenge it. Once we do, we can then break the cycle.

We have now got to catch those negative thoughts, and it is not easy to start this process, once we do, it gets easier.

Talking to the right people can help, friends, family, support groups, talk therapy, psychologists, life coaches are great with helping you work on anxiety. Talking helps with.

Cognitive behavioural, which teaches you to adjust your thoughts and actions.

Interpersonal shows you how to communicate better.

Problem-solving gives you the skills to manage your symptoms.

1. Social interaction with those who care for you, with social distancing to keep everyone safe and social media, we don’t have to and shouldn’t be doing this face to face right now, we have the ability to message, FaceTime, Skype, text, call etc., Talking to the right people can help, friends, family, support groups, talk therapy, psychologists.

Talking with people who can help our, cognitive behavioural, which teaches us to adjust your thoughts and actions. So when we are focused on the news about the pandemic our nervous system can keep us hooked on it, then we need to distract ourselves away from it, talking with people about it to get it out, yet then talk about how we feel, then talk about something that makes us laugh.

Interpersonal shows you how to communicate better.

Problem-solving gives you the skills to manage your symptoms.

2. Do it how you want to do it, if buying those toilet rolls helps, ( I also recommend donating some to those in need.) If sorting your food supply keeps you calm, do it just try to avoid excess and try to donate, if cleaning your home helps do it, setting up a delivery service, do it, hiding in bed watching films, do it, ( but also try to get up and do something if you’re hiding in bed.) there are enough people to do their bit, those wanting to hide out in their homes are indeed helping to stop spread the virus, everyone is doing their bit their own way.

Just don’t be offended when someone posts something about people cleaning too much, washing hands too much, hiding, being super helpful. It’s their own coping mechanism to stay calm, recognise it, respect it, see if you can help them in any way, if not leave them to it, we are all individuals, and with good intentions, there is no wrong or right way only our way.

2.Exercise

It’s a proven mood-booster that’s good for your body and mind. Exercise also raises your self-esteem and confidence. And it’s considered to be a treatment for mild to moderate depression. It releases endorphins which naturally lift your mood.

Even a brisk walk if you can do this where you are. Just find something that you enjoy, music on YouTube and have a dance around, with children if you have them, exercise and yoga videos on YouTube, running up and downstairs, lifting those tins of beans you might have stocked up on, or your shoes, imagination is powerful, find the online exercise, that you can do in the home.

3. Yoga or meditation, just 2-5 minutes a day can help.

Focus on your breath

Make a picture in your mind of a beautiful image

Repeat a simple word or mantra, like “happiness.”

4. Do something meaningful. Find something you enjoy, Get involved in an activity that feels important to you. It may be athletic, political, spiritual, or a social cause where you can volunteer. Look for something that gives you a sense of purpose.

5. Be creative. Direct your focus into something constructive. Rediscover your strengths. If you have a long-lost talent or interest, dive back into it. Listening to music, learning to play an instrument, try painting, dancing, singing, writing, keep trying new things to you discover what you enjoy, so many online resources and courses.

6. Read a good book. It’s an excellent way to relax. There’s even research that shows that reading books on psychology may boost your mood. Also learning about narcissistic personality disorder and what you’ve been through helps a lot of people in the recovery process, although that isn’t for everyone. Keep up to date with information about the Coronavirus, and we do need to know what’s happening, however, set a time, then do something that makes you laugh, even if that’s just finding funny memes, calling a friend, dancing with your children.

7. Get a good support system going, reach out to support groups with people who know what you’ve been through and how to help, friends and family if they are available. Not only for those who’ve been through trauma at the hands and mind of a narcissistic, but also local online support groups about the virus.

8. Get organised. Slowly and step by step, set a new goal, de-cluttering your home can give you a clearer mind, creating that routine to help you stay on course while in the home, this might take will power, prove to yourself, that you have the willpower.

9. Trying to manage your worry, keep a written diary. Set aside time to do it, then leave those worry’s in the journal and enjoy your day. Keeping a diary on your anxiety also helps you spot signs and triggers.

Small steps day by day, storms don’t rain down on us forever.

Find what works for you, keep going you’ve got this.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

CPTSD.

Did The Narcissist Love Me?

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

If the narcissist in your life is a family member, partner, friend or even someone you work with, it can be an immensely, negative, daunting, confusing and painful experience. Leaving us drained, confused and full of self-doubts.

How can someone who claims to love you so much, treat you so wrong? How can we love and want to help someone so much, who hits us with our biggest fears to hurt us so much time and time again?

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and it’s on a spectrum it’s who they are, and they can not change, if they wanted to they could learn coping strategies to manage the disorder, yet as most don’t want to look too deeply into who they are, and are very quick to blame others, this will most likely not happen.

Yes, those who have been abused or through trauma didn’t deserve the abuse or trauma. Yes, it can be a reason behind the disorder. However, it’s not an excuse. No one deserves to be abused; however, those who have, it is our responsibility to heal and not harm. They didn’t choose to be abused. They decide to hurt others, as they’re very quick to act nice if they’ve got an audience watching, or might face the consequences for their actions.

Can someone with the narcissistic personality disorder love you, I believe yes, that is my own personal beliefs, others believe no. I can see both points of view.

You can not give what you do not have. I believe in their own way at times, yes they love you in their own way, just not in the way we love someone, in that moment when we are meeting all their wants and needs, they love what we are providing for them, they love the attention they are getting, they love that we are making them feel special, they love that we care for them, they love that we are showering them with affection, they love the praise they get when they treat us well, at that moment in time, they care that we are making them feel good at that moment in time, and while we stay in that place of serving their every need everything will be alright. Yet it’s not alright as we are slowly losing who we are, losing our boundaries, our beliefs, our self-worth, our dignity, our happiness, our values, and as soon as we stand up for ourself, they wreak havoc within our lives, nobody wants to destroy you more than a narcissist who sees you’re moving on, they no longer love and care for us at that moment, they seek to destroy us, to take everything from us, to hurt us more than they already have. They are no longer interested in us, as we are no longer meeting their needs. They are only interested in loving and caring for us in their own unique way when it suits them when it no longer meets their requirements; they just cut it off.

So some people can be so full of anger and resentment towards someone, they can learn to switch off any feeling they had for them at that moment, people on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum are lacking a few things, so they can just stop loving and caring.

They don’t have to the attachment to others. An attachment system is usually formed in early childhood with a baby and its primary caregiver, either this never happens, or something happens to them in childhood that they turn them to the fight survival mode to protect themselves cutting of their attachment, cutting off their positive emotions like joy, happiness and love to protect themselves, meaning on a deep level they can never truly connect with others.

Empathy is humans ability to be able to identify with how another person might be feeling so that we can respond in an appropriate way. Empathy is when you can think about how you would feel if something bad happened to someone. A narcissistic person most often can simply just not have the emotional empathy to see what another person is feeling. They just don’t understand it. They can not relate, put themselves in another’s shoes to genuinely care, some have cognitive empathy, this is to think emphatically and is used in a negative way, they only see how they can use our empathy for their advantage, to guilt-trip us, place fear in us, and not how they can help others.

Narcissists have little to no guilt or remorse. Without that empathy, they don’t feel bad when they hurt someone. They can see how others would perceive them, so they do carry shame. However, they quickly remove this shame, by blame-shifting it onto others, projecting their own thoughts and feelings into others, then telling stories to those who do empathise of how badly they were treated as they’ve learned this gets them attention. Often believe their own stories as reality.

They lack a conscience, meaning they are unaware within themselves of the true differences between right and wrong, they believe they are special and superior, and rules don’t apply to them.

They lack object consistency. This is usually formed around the age of 2-3 meaning they develop aside to caring for others even if they are not around that person at that time, those of us who have this means even when someone hurts us, we can still care about them, a narcissist in any moment can just stop caring if their needs are not being met.

They lack whole object relations. They are unable to see that others have good and bad qualities that humans are not perfect and come with flaws. So once they realise they don’t like something about someone else, instead of seeing them as perfectly imperfect, with different thought and feelings, who make mistakes, they see them as damaged and hurtful and just don’t care enough or have the ability to understand and find a middle ground.

They lack cognitive reflection. Therefore they can not reflect on how their own personal behaviour has caused an issue. They believe it’s your fault for any problems they are having. They blame all others for their own failing, rarely to never reflecting on their own behaviour, mistakes or errors in judgment.

Those on the disorder will never listen to reason or your point of view, so learning how to handle your own emotions and your own responses around them, I do recommend no contact as the best approach.

Someone with traits you can learn to build awareness and understanding of each other. Find a way to communicate.

Love and connection and Tony Robbins, six human needs.

Subconsciously whatever we do in life is driven by fulfilling or unfulfilling these six human needs, if any one thing that we do fills three of these needs at a conscious lever or an unconscious level, it becomes highly addictive.

Fundamentally human needs are, shelter, food, water, air.

The six human needs are.

1. Contribution.

2. Growth.

3. Uncertainty.

4. Love and connection.

5. Certainty.

6. Significance.

You can meet love and connection in positive ways, giving love and receiving love, helping others, give and take, looking after a pet dog that loves to see you etc., a neutral way, neither going back or stepping forward or a negative way, by destroying someone else, you feel connected to them as they’ll be responding to you. So when narcissistic people provoke you, and you react, you are fulfilling the narcissists need for connection to others, negativity, and often negativity affecting you.

Most people end up settling for connection, either because they’ve loved hard and they don’t want to feel that pain of loss again, or because they are with someone who’s not showing love, yet they feel connected to them, thinking it’s love.

Often most of us use problems as our reason to stay in situations we shouldn’t be in. Rather than finding solutions, or we find problems within the solution when it’s actually our human needs that keep us hooked on things. Problems, however, mask and don’t fulfil your deepest needs. Often causing more problems. We make up excuses of why we can not do something, and these excuses are valid within our minds, worse we make excuses up of why we should do things that in reality, we shouldn’t be doing them.

When we live in panic and fear, sometimes we don’t think all that rationally, as our minds are hardwired into survival. We can respond negatively to negative people, of being quick to judge, especially when emotions are running on a high, just to get that connection, which hurts us more as it’s a negative connection.

Any time something fills three of our human needs, it becomes addictive. Any time by believing something, doing something or feeling something, and it meets three of the human needs we become addicted to it. If it’s through a feeling, an emotion or an action if it’s meeting any three of the above need you will become addicted.

Subconsciously an abusive relationship will meet all six of your human needs on a level making it highly addictive and extremely hard to break free from, why the average time it takes to get out is seven times, then with the added fact you’ve been manipulated To thinking it’s all your fault, fear of leaving, fear of what they may do, guilt and all the doubts they’ve fed you, it’s not just hard to get out it’s painfully hard.

The narcissist also can become addicted to you, often why most if they are not getting their needs met elsewhere will come for the hoover on you. Also, why most seem to be able to just move on without any heartache as they are getting the human needs met elsewhere.

How does an abusive relationship meet all your needs?

1. Love and connection, if they are love bombing you, you feel love and connection, if they are strangling you, it’s negative, but you will be feeling a connection to them at that moment, you’ll also feel the negative side of insignificant, and you’ll feel uncertain as to what they may do next. The narcissist will be filling their need of significance, either way, if they are love bombing you, you’ll be full of positive love towards them. If they are in your face, shouting, spitting, strangling they are going to feel significance over you, connection to you in a negative way, they are going to feel certain they are in control over you.

2. Uncertainty/ variety. As you never know what they are up to, where they are, which person you’re going to get when they walk through the door, how they will be when they wake up. The narcissist’s uncertainty is fulfilled by keeping you walking on eggshells, keeping you guessing and often having more than one partner, although not all narcissists cheat.

3. The certainty that you have someone, you are not alone even though you feel alone, that fear of uncertainty of being alone keeps us with them for longer than we should stay, we can also be certain they will change, we’ve seen the good side, we know it exists. The narcissist feels certain they have someone and if they fear they might not, they’ll make sure they have someone else lined up ready to replace you.

4. Significance, in a positive way that affects us negatively, we feel significant that we are in a relationship, that we help them, provide for them, loan them money, The narcissist feels significant that we will keep giving and they can keep taking.

5. Growth, you believe you were growing, as you adapt and change so often to meet their needs, so you don’t get a reaction. The narcissist will most often step up the games to fill their need for growth, yet they never last, so the move onto another target, again novelty wears off for them, it never lasts, they never grow, familiarity comes into play, they get bored and search for a new target to fill that need that they can not meet making them deeply unhappy.

6. Contribution, we believe we are contributing towards them, cooking teas, washing clothes, buying them cars, helping them out etc. Most narcissists never truly meet their need for contribution, they only ever willing give to receive so they are always looking for more and never satisfied or happy deep within themselves.

When getting out of an Abusive relationship or once out, you need to focus on meeting love and contribution elsewhere, either by focusing more on your children than you already do, giving your time to charity, getting a dog if you love dogs, helping other get through it etc., we all fill love and contribution needs in different ways, so it’s working out the best way to fill it for you.

You can meet your need of love and connection, by loving and connecting with yourself, by having a pet, especially dogs, helping the community, connecting with people online, by dressing how you want and feeling good within yourself, love and connection with friends, family, your children. It’s hard when isolating from the world, yet it’s not impossible, we have the power of the internet, connecting in comments, the community’s in Facebook groups, FaceTiming that loved one, imagination is a powerful thing, use it to create positive ways.

Just take a side step from the negative comments, we don’t have to change others opinions, and we don’t have to get involved with every argument, if we feel like we need to say something, say something in a thoughtful way, or nothing at all.

These uncertainty times easily bring out the best and the worst in people, educated the worst with actions of walking with the best. Be your personal best, whatever that personal best is to you, remember you can not help everyone, and it’s not selfish to help yourself. First, you have to be at your best, take care of your mental and physical health, before you can give to others.

Keep your boundaries high, so others don’t take advantage.

Keep working on you, and filling your human needs up in other ways, leaving the narcissist to it and filling your own life back up. You will get through this.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Uncertainty And The Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

A great man named Tony Robbins discovered the six human needs and the meanings behind them, now we all need food, water, air and shelter these are our fundamental human needs.

These are the six human needs for our emotional/ mental development.

The six human needs are.

1. Contribution.

2. Growth.

3. Certainty.

4. Significance.

5. Love and connection.

6. Uncertainty/variety.

There are free tests online to find out your top two, as when you do something positive that meets your top two, life becomes much happier for you.

Human needs are what give us fulfilment or un-fulfilment. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make in day to day life. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.

Uncertainty/ variety.

Humans all crave some uncertainty, we all like a little variety, doing the same thing over and over, knowing what we are doing exactly when, never learning or growing, always knowing what’s happening, can make our lives boring. In current times you might think you don’t want any uncertainty, as it causes fear, panic and anxiety, which in the extremes yes it does, and we all react differently, yet we need some uncertainty, or we’d never try anything new, you’d never surprise someone or want to be surprised, we all want pleasant surprises, as negative surprises are what most of us call our problems, anything negative most of us class as a problem. We at the moment will be trying and learning new things to get us through this.

Currently, with the worlds coronavirus, there are high levels of uncertainty, there is those who will react negatively, those who get prepared, and those who step out of there comfort zone to help others, when anxiety is kicking in, focus on the singing in Italy, the people creating online support systems to keep in touch and help out with the vulnerable. Creating delivery systems for the elderly. That’s using uncertainty to be kind and help others. It helps fill our human needs for certainty we are helping others, growth doing new things, contribution assisting the community in, so by helping others it makes us feels calmer, one of the best ways to step out of fear is to help someone. I believe that was also a Tony Robins phrase if I’m wrong, please correct me in the comments.

So often people stay with an abusive partner not only because one of their six needs is certainty or love and connection, then contribution wanting to help them but also narcissists are extremely good at making you feel uncertain, then certain, they give you that variety, it’s a very uncomfortable place to be, yet as it’s our known, it becomes our uncomfortable comfort zone without even realising it. That push-pull ends up releasing those hormones of Dopamine during the highs and Cortisol during the lows and causing that trauma bond within us, coming away from any narcissistic relationship, parent, partner, boss, friend, can feel like you are weaning yourself off a drug. We might know we need to get out of that relationship, need to get out of that job and find a new, distance ourselves from certain family members, it becomes increasingly hard as it’s unconsciously fulfilling at least four if not all six of our human needs that most of us didn’t even know about.

When our minds believe that we are doing something, believing in something, or our emotions are feeling something that is perceived to be meeting three of our human needs, this can be something positive, negative or neutral. Then we become addicted if through our actions, emotions, thoughts or feelings our mind believes we are meeting three we do become addicted.

Therefore in any abusive relationship, psychologically, a physically abusive relationship, at times you are occasionally meeting when the treat you so right, love and connection, even when it’s just connecting with another person, you meet certainty at times, you know you’re in a relationship, and you have a partner, or you have your job, you can call your patents etc., you meet uncertainty as you never know where you are with them. Contribution as you believe you are helping them, giving to them, changing to fill their needs and be who they want you to be. Therefore your subconscious is keeping you addicted through your human needs.

We are certain they can be good as we’ve seen it before we are uncertain when that might be, and we change to help them, and even though this is a negative environment that’s detrimental to our mental, and physical health, with all the manipulation and brainwashing of our reality and fear of their reactions, guilt of splitting up the family, guilt of leaving someone who claims they need you to help them, feeling like you love them and the trauma bonding it keeps you locked unwittingly in the cycle of abuse.

The same applies to when they leave you, then they come back with false promises of change, you are certain they can be good as you’ve seen them treat you right before, you’re feeling the love and connection that someone wants you, yet you’re uncertain as to if they have changed or not. Yet you want to contribute and help them change meeting four of your needs, making it even harder to say no and remove them from your life for good. So you can move away from them and start to meet your human needs elsewhere it becomes increasingly hard to leave them.

You get uncertainty met in a positive way, learning, growing, taking on a new job, starting a new activity. Neutral way, by staying in what you believe is your comfort zone even though it’s so uncomfortable and uncertain at times, yet because it brings you the certainty you stay. Or negative way, drinking, messaging the ex, taking the ex back, reacting to what the say. Trying to be there for parents who continue to try to destroy you, doing extra errands for the boss who’s actually taking advantage of you.

Nows the time to try new things to help you break free and get your human needs met away from the narcissist, also in these uncertain times. Indoor tips at the moment for these uncertainty times, yoga, exercise lots of free youtube exercise videos. Watch a movie you have not seen before, get that box set going, call a friend and chat, join those support groups, go get the food you need, and pick up something extra then drop it in your local food bank or elderly/vulnerable neighbour, simple steps of stepping out of your comfort zone, especially if you are still working on anxiety, and mental health, fresh air if you can, if you’re still allowed out where you are, walks, but keeping that safe distance between people, if you have one, going in the garden or on that balcony, if you’re in a hostel, people are doing all they can to organise things, there’s a lot to organise, people are doing all they can, keep talking to others. If a support group isn’t helping, avoid it or leave. Find one with like-minded people. Follow government advice, with the current Coronavirus pandemic. Keep yourself and others safe.

Try not to worry about economic troubles, as the whole world is about to hit rock bottom financially together and together we will have to climb back up, drive and determine, kindness and compassion.

The world has been through worse times and recovered, pulling together we can, and we will recover from this.

If you start to feel panic, begin to look for the things that are happening in the world that can raise a smile, yes we need to stay in touch with what’s happening, but balance the bad and the crazy with the good also. Keeping the positivity going and passing those smiles and laughter on, from a safe distance, of course.

Now is not the time to take unnecessary risk, we already have enough uncertainty, calm or not, be realistic, yet stay safe, take its seriously yet still laugh.

Look and focus on the opportunity in the here and now, message those loved ones, reach out to those you care about.

Have set times you check the news of you feel like you’re getting too drawn in, yes we need to stay up to date, but not 24/7. Also, when watching the news, look at the good news also. Those starting foundations, those fundraising, those dancing in Spain, singing in Italy, try to see the funny side in the memes flying around. Keep your mind busy, get creative, paint, pick up that instrument and YouTube how to play it, read some books, write. Help who you can help.

These times have not come to stay, try and find the opportunity, signing up to online classes, reading online, reading good uplifting story’s.

Stay safe, find your smile, look for the opportunities. Together we will see the world through this and we will get through this, one moment at a time, one day at a time.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Linkedin http://linkedin.com/in/overcoming-narcissistic-1b306a197

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Certainly.