Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
when you first meet them, they seem too good to be true, perfect in every way, showering you in love and affection, they are everything you even dreamed about and more, they swoop in fast and get you hooked on them, often moving in quickly together. You might have had your doubts, yet you push them to one side, perhaps you were hurt in the past so blame those doubts on your past, there’s no evidence that they would ever hurt you, and they might have even told you they have also been hurt in the past, so you understand each other and would never do that to each other. Once they have you hooked their trues selves are slowly revealed.
As they slowly gaslight you and manipulate you into believing you are the problem, They then slowly devalue you, with intermittent shows of the person you first met, so your beliefs and reality just don’t match up, leaving you confused and making you think you are in the wrong and it is you that needs to change, every time you give into them they take a little more of who you are away.
People with narcissistic personality disorder use threats against others to put fear into others in order to keep them trapped and make them do as the narcissistic person wants. Simply because they believe they are entitled to do so, they can not understand other peoples points of view or empathize with others on a deeper level, some can not empathize at all, any one that doesn’t do as they say the narcissist will view this as war, and they take that mental warfare to the next level, any way they can to get their own needs met. They will threaten people to take control back over them, when they get their own way it helps raise their damaged self-esteem and it lowers yours.
It’s all about power and control to the narcissist, they threaten to get their own needs met.
Threats are made to give you brain fog. Fear, obligation and guilt.
Fear, for your safety and well being including any children, at the hands of the narcissist.
Obligation, if you don’t do as they say, or give them what they want, they will punish you, through silent treatments, pity plays, threats.
Guilt, you are responsible to fix everything for this person, if not you will be punished and you will be blamed.
They make threats to protect their own insecurities and low self-esteem, to keep power and control over you, to get their needs met, they devalue you and threaten you.
Why do they threaten people.
- Lack of empathy, they don’t have the empathy to relate to or care how they are making other people feel, they can only think about what they want or need.
- Sense of entitlement, they believe they are entitled to do what they want when they want, have what they want when they want and when someone says no to them in the present moment, their true self absorbed inner child like some toddlers behaviour comes out and they will tantrum any way they can to get their own way, to get their needs met.
- They only have their own point of view, they can not see others perspectives only their own, they want what they want when they want it and all others should conform to their demands, when someone says no or will not do as they are told to do by the narcissist, they take this as a direct attack to their superiority, pride and ego and they want control back.
On a subconscious level their self-esteem is on the line, they don’t have a hold of true reality they believe you are telling them, that you don’t care for them, and you are being awkward and deffiant, they take anything you say or do that doesn’t conform to their demands as a direct attack on them and them must make you give up or give in so they win and come out on top.
Some threats a vague and general, some are intentionally vague yet suggestive enough for the person receiving the threat to play out different scenarios in their own minds to imagine all the bad things that could potentially happen if they don’t do what the narcissist wants.
They use threats to provoke a response from you, either get you to do as they please, or cause an argument then blame it on you, gaslighting you ” I never said that.”
Threats are not used only by people with narcissistic personality disorder, anyone is capable of making threats in the moment, most narcissistic people seem to use them on a regular basis .
Some common threats you might have heard.
“You’ll be sorry if you do.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”
“Just wait until you need me to do something for you.”
“If you leave me.”
“Wait till your birthday.”
More specific threats.
“You’ll sleep when and where I say you sleep.”
“If you go out, You’ll be sorry.”
“You’d be better of if I didn’t exist.”
“I’ll change the locks if you leave.”
“You’ll never see the children again.”
“I’ll make sure your birthday is ruined.”
“I’ll make sure everyone knows how crazy you are.”
“Carry on and I’ll make you disappear”
Violent threats. Where they also use physical force and/ or intimidate with their body language.
“I’ll kill you.”
Moving towards you or towering over you, saying things like. “You’ll be sorry.”
Grabbing your hair or arms, telling you, “listen to me or I’ll make you pay.”
Punching you, smacking you, strangling you, spitting on you.
If someone threatens you, people you care for or to harm themselves, what can you do.
- Don’t ignore it or play it down, take it seriously.
- Don’t argue or retaliate.
- Don’t continue the discussion.
- Don’t stay in the same room.
- Don’t second guess them, or try to work out what’s happening in their minds.
- Don’t worry or assume that others will think your overacting, you were there, call police every time.
Take all threats seriously, regardless if they’ve not carried out a previous threat or not.
What to do.
- Call the police as soon as it’s safe to do so.
- Leave the room as soon as it’s safe to do so.
- End the discussion, don’t get into a bigger argument.
- Take it seriously.
- Remove yourself and any children when safe to do so.
- Call supportive domestic violence groups for help getting places to stay, or orders of protection.
We can not tell if threats are real or not as we are unable to get inside another’s mind. People with narcissistic personality disorder can and do experience rapid mood changes. They will sometimes act out in that moment. So you must take them seriously at all times, if they believe they have nothing to lose, or can get away with it, they might carry out a threat, most will not, but you must still take them all seriously.