Why Do Narcissistic People Threaten you.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

when you first meet them, they seem too good to be true, perfect in every way, showering you in love and affection, they are everything you even dreamed about and more, they swoop in fast and get you hooked on them, often moving in quickly together. You might have had your doubts, yet you push them to one side, perhaps you were hurt in the past so blame those doubts on your past, there’s no evidence that they would ever hurt you, and they might have even told you they have also been hurt in the past, so you understand each other and would never do that to each other. Once they have you hooked their trues selves are slowly revealed.

As they slowly gaslight you and manipulate you into believing you are the problem, They then slowly devalue you, with intermittent shows of the person you first met, so your beliefs and reality just don’t match up, leaving you confused and making you think you are in the wrong and it is you that needs to change, every time you give into them they take a little more of who you are away.

People with narcissistic personality disorder use threats against others to put fear into others in order to keep them trapped and make them do as the narcissistic person wants. Simply because they believe they are entitled to do so, they can not understand other peoples points of view or empathize with others on a deeper level, some can not empathize at all, any one that doesn’t do as they say the narcissist will view this as war, and they take that mental warfare to the next level, any way they can to get their own needs met. They will threaten people to take control back over them, when they get their own way it helps raise their damaged self-esteem and it lowers yours.

It’s all about power and control to the narcissist, they threaten to get their own needs met.

Threats are made to give you brain fog. Fear, obligation and guilt.

Fear, for your safety and well being including any children, at the hands of the narcissist.

Obligation, if you don’t do as they say, or give them what they want, they will punish you, through silent treatments, pity plays, threats.

Guilt, you are responsible to fix everything for this person, if not you will be punished and you will be blamed.

They make threats to protect their own insecurities and low self-esteem, to keep power and control over you, to get their needs met, they devalue you and threaten you.

Why do they threaten people.

  • Lack of empathy, they don’t have the empathy to relate to or care how they are making other people feel, they can only think about what they want or need.
  • Sense of entitlement, they believe they are entitled to do what they want when they want, have what they want when they want and when someone says no to them in the present moment, their true self absorbed inner child like some toddlers behaviour comes out and they will tantrum any way they can to get their own way, to get their needs met.
  • They only have their own point of view, they can not see others perspectives only their own, they want what they want when they want it and all others should conform to their demands, when someone says no or will not do as they are told to do by the narcissist, they take this as a direct attack to their superiority, pride and ego and they want control back.

On a subconscious level their self-esteem is on the line, they don’t have a hold of true reality they believe you are telling them, that you don’t care for them, and you are being awkward and deffiant, they take anything you say or do that doesn’t conform to their demands as a direct attack on them and them must make you give up or give in so they win and come out on top.

Some threats a vague and general, some are intentionally vague yet suggestive enough for the person receiving the threat to play out different scenarios in their own minds to imagine all the bad things that could potentially happen if they don’t do what the narcissist wants.

They use threats to provoke a response from you, either get you to do as they please, or cause an argument then blame it on you, gaslighting you ” I never said that.”

Threats are not used only by people with narcissistic personality disorder, anyone is capable of making threats in the moment, most narcissistic people seem to use them on a regular basis .

Some common threats you might have heard.

Vague Threats.

“You’ll be sorry if you do.”

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”

“Just wait until you need me to do something for you.”

“If you leave me.”

“Wait till your birthday.”

More specific threats.

“You’ll sleep when and where I say you sleep.”

“If you go out, You’ll be sorry.”

“You’d be better of if I didn’t exist.”

“I’ll change the locks if you leave.”

“You’ll never see the children again.”

“I’ll make sure your birthday is ruined.”

“I’ll make sure everyone knows how crazy you are.”

“Carry on and I’ll make you disappear”

Violent threats. Where they also use physical force and/ or intimidate with their body language.

“I’ll kill you.”

Moving towards you or towering over you, saying things like. “You’ll be sorry.”

Grabbing your hair or arms, telling you, “listen to me or I’ll make you pay.”

Punching you, smacking you, strangling you, spitting on you.

If someone threatens you, people you care for or to harm themselves, what can you do.

  • Don’t ignore it or play it down, take it seriously.
  • Don’t argue or retaliate.
  • Don’t continue the discussion.
  • Don’t stay in the same room.
  • Don’t second guess them, or try to work out what’s happening in their minds.
  • Don’t worry or assume that others will think your overacting, you were there, call police every time.

Take all threats seriously, regardless if they’ve not carried out a previous threat or not.

What to do.

    Call the police as soon as it’s safe to do so.
    Leave the room as soon as it’s safe to do so.
    End the discussion, don’t get into a bigger argument.
    Take it seriously.
    Remove yourself and any children when safe to do so.
    Call supportive domestic violence groups for help getting places to stay, or orders of protection.

We can not tell if threats are real or not as we are unable to get inside another’s mind. People with narcissistic personality disorder can and do experience rapid mood changes. They will sometimes act out in that moment. So you must take them seriously at all times, if they believe they have nothing to lose, or can get away with it, they might carry out a threat, most will not, but you must still take them all seriously.

Narcissistic Abuse, What Is Coercive Control, And How Do They Do This.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Is someone in your life, or have you had someone in your life controlling you, without you even knowing it? You trust in others, believing and knowing we all make mistakes, yet we all love and care for each other, people surely don’t go around hurting and wanting to destroy others how could they? do they not have the basic compassion and empathy to care? unfortunately as a lot of you might already know, or coming to realise, if you were raised by a narcissist or had a narcissistic partner, some people simply only care about themselves only interested in meeting their own needs and what they gain from other people, then they throw you away like you never truly mattered to them.

This is the harsh reality many of us have lived through, and it’s truly heartbreaking and draining to live with, also draining and heartbreaking getting out. Once out and you recover life becomes much happier and much more peaceful.

You can and you will recover from this.

What is Coercive control?

Is someone angry at you and gives you dirty looks? Do they guilt trip you into doing things you wouldn’t normally do? Have they broken down all your boundaries? Do they make you feel as though everything is all your fault and they have done no wrong? Do they make you feel if only you’d change all would be ok and they wouldn’t behave in that way? Have you changed who you are so many times for them to please them, that you no longer know who you are? Are things going missing? Property getting damaged? Do you feel like your losing your own memory?

People’s misuse of your trusting kind nature when it’s given to the wrong hands is hideous and devastating, leaving you with so many things to heal from. When someone takes power over you and your loving kind nature, then manipulates you to exploit you and take control of your mind, from gaslighting to the silent treatment, then the projection to blame shifting. Screaming insults to the subtle hurtful comments, plantings self doubt deep within your own subconscious, allowing them to slowly take more control over you and your life, with intermittent plays of them being nice when you get something right, reinforces in your own mind it was you.

It was never you. All you did was be kind with good intentions. When a robber walks into a bank to steal money and through fear the cashier hands the money over, the cashier is never to blame.

Controlling behaviour and emotional manipulation take form in any relationship, from bosses at work, friends, family and partners, and also in many different ways, understanding cohesive control, will help you understand what you’ve been through, what you’re going through and how to avoid the same happening again.

The need to dominate can be passed down through generations, this needs to be broken and stopped now.

When children are raised with narcissistic Coercive controlling parents or parent, they either become, the lost child, the scapegoat or the golden child, whichever they fall under, they can either grow up to people please, never knowing who they truly are and ending up with one narcissistic partner after another, or becoming narcissistic themselves, some do grow to form a healthy love for themselves and go on to form healthy relationships. All who’ve lived through it and started to recognise this can heal and recover to go on and form healthy friendships and relationships.

Coercive control is mental, emotional or psychological abuse. In legal terms Coercive control is long term ongoing behaviour, where one person drip feeds another into losing everything, losing, friendship, family, money, jobs, children, homes, themselves and their reality. The manipulate slowly breaks down the victim’s personality, from breaking down boundaries, trust, health, self-respect, self-worth, and reality to name a few. From the onslaught of mind game after mind game, it’s like living in a war zone, the victims become confused and overwhelmed losing all sense of self, left with guilt, disappointment and heartbreak.

They look for people who have some qualities that they can offer the narcissist, what they can use the person for, They look for people who’ve been previously a victim of abuse, perfectionists, put others first, resourceful, empathetic, generous and kind, with poor self esteem and vulnerable, they test small boundaries at first to see if they can break them down, this is why you need boundaries in place, as those they cannot break easily to start they’ll move onto an easier target, some might try harder for you to break them, the more you’d stick to your no the sooner they’ll go.

The abuser will often state they can not control themselves, things like. “You know what I’m like in the morning. You know what I’m like after a drink.” Again putting the blame subtly onto you, the abuser is actually deeply insecure so wants to dominate and control to make themselves feel better within themselves.

What is Coercive control?

  • Isolating from friends and family.
  • Controlling finances.
  • Forcing you to take part in things you don’t want to.
  • Damaging property.
  • Monitoring your activity and movements.
  • Threats to publish things about you, or call police on you.
  • Threats to harm the family.
  • Threats to take your home.
  • Threats to harm you.
  • Repeatedly putting you down.
  • Depriving you of basic needs.
  • Humiliating you.
  • Taking control of where you sleep.
  • Stopping you from doing day to day activities you enjoy.
  • Social media monitored or hacked.
  • What you ware.

Examples of coercive control tactics they use.

  • They monitor your outings, accuses you of things you haven’t done, cause arguments before you go out, or arguments when you get back, so you no longer want to bother, keep you busy so you don’t have time for your own hobbies. Play you off against friends and family, putting you in the middle and making you choose, often lying about what friends and family have said about you.
  • The control your money. Either not working and using yours, or letting you believe it’s a good idea for you not to work them not giving you enough, yet not allowing you back into work.
  • They will guilt trip you, triangulate you, shame you and pity play, to get you to break down your boundaries and do things you don’t want to do.
  • They will damage property, from punching doors to smashing things.
  • They can never let you have the last word, even if that means them sulking off and giving you the silent treatment.
  • They call you names, call you crazy, insecure, sensitive, put you down in obvious overt ways. “You look fat in that.” or covert ways. “Are you really going to wear that.
  • They use anger to intimidate you, or silent treatment to punish you if you don’t give them what they want.
    They don’t give you any choice in your life, by making you so afraid of their reactions, so your to scared of what might happen if you don’t do as they say.
    They don’t have the ability to compromise, it’s their way or no way.
    They claim to know what’s best for you and find ways to force you into believing they are right.
    They hide things from you.
    They will make excuses and lies up about any evidence you have against them.

When it comes to being in a relationship, normally you do things for the other out of love and respect as the partner would do for you. Like the washing up, going to an event. It’s give and take sometimes 50/50 others 80/20 and 20/80 and so on.

In a coercive controlling relationship it’s 100 % you doing all through fear, they might intermittently do things, but when you ask yourself what they ever truly do for you or did for you, and look at all you do for them, if it’s mostly you doing it all, you could be in a cohesive controlling relationship, or have been in one.

recovery steps.

  • Write down what truly happened, to put your memory and reality back, also to look through if you have doubts and want to get in touch with them.
  • Remove the abuser negative thoughts from your mind, and start to put your own in, “I am good enough. I do deserve better. I am worth it.” And keep going until you have removed them and you’re thinking for yourself again.
  • Start putting you first, when travelling on a plane if the cabin pressure drops, you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others, you have to be at your best, now is the time to always be kind to yourself first, then be kinds to others.
  • Get creative, write, draw, sing, paint, garden, play an instrument, find your creative side again.
  • If you feel ok to do so, share your story with others that understand you, getting it out of your mind space, some people don’t want to out loud, this is normal, write it out and destroy it to get it out, or keep to refer back to.
  • Connect with good people, reach out to old family and friends, you might have to ditch your pride for this, good family and friends will Understand and be there for you, step out of your comfort zone and find places to meet new people, surround yourself with positive people now.
  • Dress how you want to dress for you, do the things you love doing for you and might have been stopped from doing them, go for that run, join the gym, hoover when you want, sleep when you want.
  • Create new routines for you, remove reminders of them.
  • Take control of your diet and exercise, just start drinking a little more water and taking a walk, yoga, meditation are extremely good, dance to music on your phone.

Keep going, you can and you will recover from this.

Recovery From Trauma Bonding.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

People often stay way longer than they ever should in an abusive relationship myself included, it took me several attempts and a few years to get out, then once out all hell broke loose as they came at me with one mind game after another. Due to the trauma bond, it is hard for those in these relationships to break free and hard to stay free, however, plenty have so it is more than possible. You can and you will.

When you are not getting punched in the face it’s hard to see you’re in an abusive relationship, even when their physical violence it’s usually twisted around onto you, or you’ve reacted in some way, so you’re left with all the self-doubt, blame and guilt, believing you are the one at fault.

Some people might just ask, “why didn’t you leave sooner.” Or remark “I’d have never put up with that.” When they have not lived it they don’t understand it, the power of that trauma bond and emotional pull to the person who’s actually causing you emotional, physical, psychological and financial pain is a hard one to break.

Those who’ve never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand why people stay in one. Survivors often also struggle to explain why and what truly happened to them, when survivors connect with each other it helps give more understanding, you are far from alone in this, very few get out and stay out on their first attempt, it takes time to piece reality back together after all the gaslighting, it is a learning curve and it is more than possible to break free and stay free.

It takes an average of seven attempts to break free of a toxic relationship, how you feel is normal.

Most of us have been conditioned from news and films that abusive relationships are always really physical and although this does happen it’s not always the case.

Psychological abuse is harder to see, its drip fed over a period of time and is an insidious form of mental torture.

They break your heart, your spirit, your friendships, your physical health, your mental health, your financial health and more, it takes time to recover and break free, you’re doing amazing.

Living with a narcissist is like living in a war zone, never knowing when the bomb will go off next, and not knowing what you did to set it off, you’re running around a mind field, walking on eggshells trying to not set them off, dodging bullets when you do.

Narcissistic people have a great talent of love bombing and playing nice, with the odd cleverly formed underhand comment here and there like. “Are you really going to wear that.” “If only you’d do this.” Partner’s often brushed these comments to one side not realising the true reality of what’s happening to them. Partners are made to believe that the real person is the one who plays nice and the bad person is out of character and it’s something they did to cause them to act out of character.

A psychological, manipulative abusive relationship is extremely addictive and causes trauma bonding, you’re riding the rollercoaster of your life that just doesn’t seem to stop long enough for you to get out.

With the punishment of the silent treatments, then the projection and blame shifting, them the intermittent reinforcement when they play nice again as you’ve behaved for them. Your mind and body go through turmoil. It releases high levels of the stress hormones cortisol when they’re gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatments, then high levels of dopamine when they reward you with affection for behaving how they want.

The hormonal roller coaster takes its toll on our minds and body’s, most often people in these relationships end up plagued by illness after illness as they develop autoimmune problems, with their mind and body are been under constant stress. People stay in these relationships despite the stress to their own mental and physical health, due to not having their own clarity on reality and seeing what’s truly happening to them through the gaslighting, Control, projection and self-blame, desperation of trying to win back the abusive partner, then they get that intermittent relief of love for a time, reinforcement that they were the one to blame. You were never to blame, you’re a kind hearted person who loves and wants to help.

Ask yourself when you feel to blame.

What did they truly do in a good way for you?

What did you do for them?

Most will realise the abuser didn’t do much other than hurt you, and that you actually did all you could to love, help, take care and please them, whilst slowly losing who you were.

Narcissists, narcissist Psychopath And narcissist Sociopath tend to follow the same relationship patterns of love bomb, devalue, discard, some will also hoover to suck you back in.

Signs you’re trauma bonded.

  • Your partner always promises things and rarely delivers.
  • You feel stuck in the relationship and can not see a way out.
  • You keep having the same fights and problems.
  • Compromise is never met, it’s always their way or you get punished.
  • If you don’t do something for them, or you do something wrong you get punished with the silent treatment and other ways.
  • You don’t trust them or even like them, yet you still care for them.
  • If you do get out, you believe you still love them and are desperate to get them back.
  • You feel sorry for them, can relate to their feelings and want to help them out.
  • Make excuses up for their behaviour and treatment towards you.
  • Not going against them for fear of reactions, standing up for them when others criticise them.
  • Still wanting them to help you heal from all the pain they have caused you.

Unfortunately, some don’t try to leave, often through fear, those who do often return, the abuser might break you so much that you are physically, emotionally and financially drained and they just discard you for someone new.

Once they are gone or you do break free, you can begin to grieve, the person who never truly existed, what you’ve been through, piece back together with your reality, start to see it wasn’t your fault and start to heal. You were not chosen because you were weak, they chose you because you had greatness within you, a kind, loving, forgiving soul.

Ways to recover.

  • Grieve, write it all out and let it all out, work through your emotions, give yourself a limit, a day a week, especially if you’re struggling to get out of bed, write them a letter explaining how they made you feel, then destroy the letter. Let it all out, work through any guilt, your pride your own ego, open up to yourself and be honest with your feelings.
  • Connect with your emotions, recognising what emotions you’re feeling, my mind controls my emotions and I control my mind. What is the emotion I’m feeling? Acknowledge that it’s here to tell you something, remember a time you felt a similar emotion and overcame it, so your mind knows you’ll do this again. Don’t bottle up your emotions, take action to work through them. What is this telling me? What do I need to change? Then take action.
  • Pattern interrupt, when they pop into your mind, kick them straight back out, focus on what your doing at the moment, call a friend, watch something funny, acknowledge you want to think about them at the start and tell yourself you’re not going to, you no longer have time for them living rent-free in your mind, you only have time to think of creating a new life and start thinking of those new dreams, until you’ve reprogrammed your subconscious.
  • If you are wanting to check their social media, remind yourself this hurts you, acknowledge you want to and tell yourself you’re not going to.
  • Remove any reminders of them. ( if you have to communicate because you have children set up a different email address, or a second number, so you don’t have to look unless you need to. Respond don’t react and save all communication in case you need as evidence further down the line.) any reminders you can remove, then remover, places you visited, try to focus on the times you have visited without them to start. Then focus on when you visit in that present moment, if your in the same home you lived together look for moving, or start decorating, it keeps you busy and changes the home, if your in a refuge focus on the new beginnings you’re creating for you, others have done this before you and you can too.
  • Learn your triggers for the emotional upset, and for anxiety, so you can learn coping strategies before they get a hold of you, when you feel then starting to tell yourself “I am safe now.” Focus on good positive things. Focus on the future you’re building for you.
  • start creating and living in your own reality again. Start writing the bad things of the relationship down whenever you start dreaming of what could have been, or the thinking they’re not that bad, look at the notes of what they did to you and how much they hurt you. Also write yourself a letter of where you’d like to be one year from now, creating new visions and dreams for you, then start taking those simple steps to achieve, creating new dreams for your future.
  • Make one big choice at a time and take action on it, once achieved recognise the achievement, be proud of yourself. Small achievements (if you’re struggling with day to day things like housework.) Set a timer on your phone for ten minutes and just do the quick wins, wiping the kitchen sides, putting the washing on, focus on the task at hand, don’t let your mind drift onto the past, put some music on or a motivational video whilst you do it. Then do 15 minutes and 20. Keep going until you set up new routines for your own day to day living standards for how you want to live.
  • Make choices that support your self-care, choose to put yourself first, taking care of your own needs first, so you can be at your personal best for others. Your allowed to rest, you’re allowed to go for it, you’re allowed to do what works for you, you’re allowed two steps forward and one back, you’re allowed down moments, you’re allowed to scream, shout and cry them out, then you need to refocus on what future you’re trying to achieve for you and the progress you’ve made so far and keep going.
  • Get addicted to something healthy you love doing for you. Starting new courses, looking for a job, starting a new job, starting new hobbies for you, going back to old hobbies you really enjoyed and stopped doing, learning, reading, connecting with others, especially those who’ve also lived it and understand it, volunteer somewhere, whatever you want to do now, make it a positive contribution for you first, then others.
  • Find things that fill your human needs in a positive way. Love and connection, learn to love who you are and connect with your true inner self, then find good positive people to connect with. Growth, forming a new happier life for you, trying new things to see who you are and what you truly love doing, learning new things every day. Certainty, creating new routines and habits for you. Uncertainty, trying new things you think you’ll enjoy, significance, be kind on yourself first the. Being kind to others, having a job or hobby you love, volunteering. Contribution, to yourself first raising yourself back up, then giving back to others. Anything you do through action or emotions and you will become addicted, find something else that’s positive to become addicted to. Tony Robbins explains a lot about human needs and these are great for recovery.
  • Make choices now that put your own needs first, say no to things you haven’t got time for or you don’t want to do.
  • Any setbacks remind yourself just how far you have come, and the direction you’re heading in now, then go again.
  • Find the funny side, a sense of humour is vital to get you away from all the negativity and into positivity.
  • Create and write down a list of your new beliefs and standards, start simple and keep adding, the behaviour you’ll accept and not accept from within yourself and behaviour you’ll accept and not accept from others.
  • Take action on your new life, focus on the new dream and new goals for you, don’t overload, baby steps each and every day, acknowledging your achievements along the way.
  • Connect and surround yourself with good quality positive people, it rubs off on you, people who compromise, people who help each other out, people who are happy for you when you are happy.

Self Care After A Narcissistic Relationship.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

When we come away from a toxic relationship we are often left a shell of our former selves if you have also had a narcissistic parent you might not have truly known who you was before. Through the gaslighting, silent treatments, blame shifting and projection, and crippling manipulation methods they use against us. Most of us are left with anxiety, trauma bonding, CPTSD, self-doubt, low self-worth and low self-esteem with little confidence and trust in others as well as in ourselves and our own abilities.

The saying it costs nothing to be kind is true. Yet if you are kind to the wrong people it can cost you everything, the thing we all need to learn to not get involved with these kinds of toxic people again is how to be kind to ourselves first.

Practising self-care isn’t easy to start, especially when you are used to taking care of those around you first. Life is crazy at times and with toxic ex’s doing all they can to hurt you, your own mind and state can get knocked off balance, we can also feel guilty taking care of our own needs first, it’s a challenge to start, once you achieve it you’ll never look back.

Don’t overwhelm yourself doing it all at once.

Try to start your day right, getting up earlier and planning the night before if you’re usually rushing in a morning.

Be proud of who you are and who you are becoming.

Don’t listen to negative opinions of others, listen to your own mind and heart, start doing what’s right for you.

Learn when to say yes and when to say no.

Focus on creating time to do things you love doing for you.

What self-care isn’t?

Self-care is not selfish, it is not only about considering our own individual needs it’s also about knowing and understanding them, putting yourself first is not narcissistic, it’s also only narcissistic if you use and abuse others. If you are kind to yourself before you are kind to others, narcissistic people will no longer be able to take advantage of you.

A self-care plan is vital to stop you from becoming stuck in the past and keep you working towards a better future, saving yourself from the past, working on the present for that brighter future.

We are all individuals to do what is right and works best for you.

Having a plan helps you to lose the guesswork, it also helps you stay on track.

What self-care is?

Self-care is a deliberate act within ourselves to take care of our mental, emotional and physical health first, so we can be at our personal best to take care of others, without being taken down by toxic people. We often overlook self-care in order to help others out, when others are not interested in helping us, our own inner needs get more and more neglected as we try to help those who are unable to help themselves.

To start you need to stick to the basics, creating new routines and habits for you, just start simple and basic then keep adding more. You need to actively plan using your conscious thoughts in the beginning until your subconscious has been programmed to do it naturally.

Categorise list and do it in priority order.

Relationships (friends family etc.)

Physical health.

Emotional health.

Work.

Be authentic with yourself, not things that might stand in your way and take action to see what you can do.

A basic checklist to get yourself started.

  • Start with a no list of things you don’t like, things you don’t want to do and behaviours you’ll no longer accept from yourself and from others. Things like, I’m no longer checking their social media, people who can not accept no are not the people for my life. I need to stop people pleasing. I need to stop putting myself last, I want to get up at time set. Learn my boundaries around others.
  • Saying no to others can be difficult to start, however, it’s a must when you really don’t want to do something or don’t have the time.
  • Create a list of your own beliefs and standards you don’t need to do them all at once you can keep adding, and only ever change them for you.
  • A healthy diet, start slow if you’ve not done it before, keep a diary of your eating habits, to keep you accountable.
  • Start a simple exercise routine, listen to motivational videos, meditation, yoga, find things that pick you up on low moments and help you keep focus. This can help your mental and physical health-boosting your mood and lowering your stress.
  • Try to get enough sleep, if you stop up way to late and feel tired in a morning just go to bed 5 minutes early each night until you get to the time you’d like to go to bed, same in a morning if you get up way to late and end up rushing get up 5 minutes early, try to prepare things you can the evening before if you always find yourself rushing around in a morning. Sleep can have negative effects if you’re not getting enough and positive effects on your emotional and physical health when you are.
  • Spend time around positive quality people, it rubs off on you, go to new places to meet new people this can be hard to start if you’ve been isolated, try getting in touch with old friends and family who you know are good people, smile at others and pay them compliments.
  • Keep a reflection journal, one if you still miss the ex, write the negatives about the relationship and look at them when you’re having doubts. Then a positive journal, each day try to add at least three things you’ve achieved in that day, also put things down you’d like to achieve the next day, to keep yourself accountable.
  • Get organised, keep notes of appointments and where you’re supposed to be when
  • Try to get some time to relax, doing what you’d like to do for you.
  • Talk moments through with good understanding people. Any time you’re feeling down or low, chat to the right people.
  • Look for an opportunity to laugh. Laughing really is the best medicine.

Start with a simple self-care plan and keep adding to it, write it down to keep yourself accountable, ask yourself, what could get in my way? If something would ask, what can I do about it? Can you remove it? Or do you need to change something? Can you work around it?

If you really find yourself sinking, set a timer on your phone around 30 minutes, allow yourself to deal with the emotions, write it all out, it might get ugly, process it. Then when the timer goes off making yourself do something that lifts your spirits, think of the good things that are going for you now, no matter how small, go for a walk, put some uplifting music on.