Signs You Are Healing. When You Are Having A Bad Moment, Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw -Life Coach.

Healing after narcissistic abuse, whether you were raised by narcissists or didn’t meet one until later in life, no matter who that narcissist was to you. It is a step by step process, we all have good days, and we all have those moments and those moments that can turn into one of those days, we can then start to overthink, over-feel and wonder what’s going on especially when we’ve been doing so well. When our minds are not sure, they might then start to wander and look for what’s wrong. Sometimes it is something that has triggered us, if it is that we do need to feel the pain, face the fear to deal with it, let it go and move past it, yet sometimes it’s not that, sometimes it is just life, life likes to knock us off balance at times, when we can not pinpoint what it is we can then look for problems to make sense of it all, sometimes it’s just one of those moments, one of those days, sometimes life gets hard. When those days hit, in the morning think about three things no matter how small, you will achieve that day, and do them, then acknowledge you did in the evening, this builds momentum, and do the same the next day, your mind might be craving some certainty within your life, or a shift in your routine can help, being more prepared for the next day, finding something funny, or even trying something new, your human needs might just be wanting to create some uncertainty in your life, positive uncertainty, like a new hobby. Reaching out to friends as you might be craving some connection with others, just know it’s ok to have those off moments and those down days, just find the method within to keep going, the moment will soon be over and you can find brighter things. Just know and remember you’re not alone. We all have our moments.

Remember when you hit a low, you’ve just been planted to grow, when those dark moments come, work through them to find the light.

“Darkness can not drive out darkness only light can do that, hate can not drive out hate, only love can do that.” Martin Luther King jr.

Learning to love yourself again for who you are and not what others tell you to be.

Here are a few things to remember and recognise you are healing, if you’ve come so far and that bad moment has made you question something.

First, of all no matter where you are in your life’s journey of rediscovery and healing No matter where you are in your journey. congratulate yourself for taking the steps to overcome an extremely painful and traumatic experience both emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physical, even if they were never physically violent emotional abuse takes a toll on our physical health, from adrenaline fatigue to blood pressure, illness, lots of things.

Congratulate yourself for now choosing every day to no longer participate in the narcissist deeply hidden slow mental abuse, congratulate yourself for working out what is very hard to see. Congratulate yourself for taking positive steps forward, for making the choice to change direction in your life, to find your happiness and your joy.

When you have newfound confidence, happiness, respect for yourself and others, moving forward in your life no matter how slow or how fast, you are a great example to others going through this very traumatic experience, you are healing from narcissist abuse. You are stronger and wiser than you were before and you have a newfound ability to stand up for yourself. You now recognise when you’ve been manipulated by, shame, guilt, passive-aggressive behaviour. Take steps to keep discovering your inner confidence, it’s something you create from within daily. By how you walk, how you talk to yourself, how you dress, trying new things, growing who you are as an individual.

If you can now assertively and loving to communicate who you are to others, if you can now say no to something that you don’t believe is good for you, even if you take a step back, that’s ok just go again, reminding yourself of your values, who you are. What you will and will not accept from others.

If you’ve seen reality, even if that reality hit hard, if you now can respect and know yourself enough, to walk away from people who simply don’t make you feel good, not fearing hurting those who hurt you by simply walking away, remember they Handed you the knife with their treatment towards you. That’s why you had to cut them loose, this is never mean or to hurt another. This is because they hurt you, they are no good for you. All you did it’s what’s best for your mental health, they are not worthy of you, nothing to feel guilty or ashamed for, you are a loving, kind, caring person who gave it your all and perhaps more than you should as you didn’t understand. Now you are starting to understand you know you can not help them, you’re freeing each other, what they choose to do with that is up to them, your entitled to live in a non-toxic environment, you’re entitled to be you.

When you are no longer in denial, you want to stand up for yourself, you want to be valued and be heard, you’ll no longer worry about being judged, as you know those who judge have their own issues, those who truly love and care about you, will respect you as you do them. With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life. There is only your way. Don’t worry about judgment from others, the haters or the naysayers. They are not your problem, you can believe and recover. You can aim high and miss them go again, we all make mistakes, those mistakes are ok, we just get up, learn from them and go again.

Be humble, not everyone needs to know your business, most don’t care, some are glad it’s you and others are envious of you, yet there are those who truly care about you, just like you care for others. Share with those who raise you up, those who pull you down, teach them with massive action and success, whatever you want to be successful in that they underestimate you.

When you start to feel whole within yourself and not need someone else to complete you, you’ll know if you’ve found the right one or someone to walk away from. When you fill your own cup up, create your own inner happiness, shifting away from those moments to the great moments, it’s ok to not be ok all the time, in fact, it’s normal, learning to Handel who you are, how you think and how you feel.

When you no longer people please, you’ll be able to say no to others without fear of them walking out of your life because you’ll know people like that are not worthy of you. Even if you’re just learning the art of saying no, recognising that you can be with someone and feel alone, yet you can be alone and not feel lonely, this takes time and practice, once you start doing things for you it gets easier.

When know and recognise that any relationship is given and take. You’ll happily give to those who are willing to give to you. When respect and manners are no longer being served you now know to leave the table.

No longer making excuses for other people’s bad behaviour. Knowing how someone behaves is a reflection of them, not you, always be kind to others, even if that kindness is walking away, don’t let how others act towards you affect how you feel, their bad behaviour is their responsibility only, your response is your responsibility.

Either keep on or start to surround your self, with people who understand others have different opinions and that it’s ok. People who are willing to learn and grow, you’ll know everyone makes mistakes, but those who are willing to learn from them you want as friends. People who understand we have highs and lows, people who can relate, people who have your back, through the good times, the bad times and the ugly times.

Knowing that your empathy and compassion is always a good thing. It’s beautiful, you are special, worthy, loveable and you have greatness within you. You’ll know that you need to apply those to yourself before others. You need to create the best of you to give the best of you, even when you’re feeling at your worst, like the plain, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, so you can be at your best to help others, good people will walk with you, we all make mistakes, we all have flaws, good people will see those flaws and making you flawless, they see imperfections as what makes you perfect, they’ll see vulnerabilities as strengths, they’ll see kindness as quality. Be who you want to be, good people will be right with you at your worst on those bad days when you’re overwhelmed with emotions and on those good days when you’re feeling so lucky.

When you lose interest in people, who have vague communication skills, who are mysterious, who play mind games, as you’ll be well aware of these games. You’ll no longer be confused. You’ll be able to observe situations with more objectiveness, you understand what’s flattery and what compliments.

Know you are not alone, we all fall, we all struggle, we all have those moments, it ok to feel down, and it’s also ok to build yourself back up and feel strong, life’s a roller coaster, ride out those lows and create those highs, when a dark cloud from the past comes along, it’s not to dampen your day or your spirit, it’s to remind you of how far you have come, how much you have grown, how much brighter your days are. How much you have to be grateful for. Stay strong, you’ve truly got this and I for one am right behind you.

How The Narcissist Invalidates You And How To Handle It.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Invalidation is when your, thoughts, feelings, opinions, Weight, shape, Job, relationships, it can be a severe as everything about who you and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged, by the narcissist.

One of our six human needs is love and connection, to feel like we belong. It’s as essential to our mental health as water is to our physical health. Connecting to others and having a sense of belonging and validation is a core human need.

When we feel validated, we feel understood and accepted by those around us, when we are supportive of each other, when we raise each other up, we feel, heard, seen, worthy, confident, loved, happy and valued.

People who have the empathy to appreciate and understand how another is or could be feeling will validate others and those who validate others makes them feel valued when it’s reciprocated. When people acknowledge each other’s thoughts, feelings and opinions, even if they are not their own, they can understand the other person’s viewpoint, yet be strong enough to hold onto their own viewpoints when needed, whilst not being dismissive of others.

A narcissist, however, is lacking in empathy so they are incapable to validate another’s thoughts, feelings or sense of self, as the narcissistic person has deep down hidden insecurities and possibly never felt valued, they try to create this within themselves by invalidating those around them, to feel valued within themselves. By putting others down, this then makes them feel superior and when they feel superior they feel valued. Which is the wrong way to go about it as it never truly validates them, they are incapable of connecting to others on a deeper level, incapable to learn from their own mistakes or other mistakes, as growth is one of the six human needs and they never grow, they become stuck in that pattern of repeat, hurting others and hurting themselves, contribution is another human need, and as they only ever contribute sometimes positive to meet a need of their own, mostly negative to meet their own needs, they end up feeling even less validation, creating more insecurities, more shame, which they have only learned to burry deep, hide it, mask it, run away from it, shift the blame, deep inside they live in a very woe is me, the world is against me mindset.

What we all need to learn, as hard as it is at times, it’s up to ourselves to make our worlds work for us, to raise ourselves back up, to contribute to ourselves and others in positive ways, to know ourselves well enough to validate ourselves and those around us, so we have the help and support from good people, to achieve what we want from life and when that support network isn’t there, we can give ourselves the get up and go, we can say no to the naysayers and those who intimidate or invalidate us, instead we can show them it is possible. For a narcissist to change, they would have to raise their own level of self-awareness face, guilt, pain, insecurities and so many more. As they are unable to see any faults or wrongdoings within themselves it’s highly unlikely, they can falsely change at the moment to meet a need, again that change is only surface level and not getting to the route cause, they are only temporarily changing to manipulate others into getting their own needs met.

How do they invalidate us?

1. The silent treatment, psychological manipulation to control someone else’s mind, by causing server psychological and emotional trauma.

one of the most emotionally and psychologically damaging parts of an abusive relationship is the invalidation, when a narcissist has no reaction to us, goes silent on us, we feel, unimportant, invisible, irreverent, and worthless. We most often don’t understand why or what’s happening, we look for reasons of what we did, we are in the worst psychological and emotional pain, then when we reach out, beg, plead, apologies, do all we can to make it up to them and they still don’t respond, we feel more worthless.

When they do finally respond, it releases the pain and trauma they put us in, in a negative way we then perceive this as being heard and feel validated.

This is one of the causes for trauma bonding, and why we start walking on eggshells around them, the intermittent reinforcement, we’ve lived the times when they will raise us high and shower us with attention, so we believe they can, we lived that reality, which is what causes the cognitive dissonance within our minds, where we feel confused, in a trance a daze? Believing we are depressed or going crazy as all our realities and beliefs are completely mixed up, due to their manipulative treatment towards us, we believe if we can just treat them right, they will treat us right.

This then gets us believing within ourselves, that we are to blame and it’s all our fault, because we don’t feel validated, we then falsely believe that their silent treatments, their invalidation of who we are are because of something we did wrong and not that their actions towards us are indeed what makes them in the wrong.

When our minds get trained into believing we must do something to earn validation, it leads us to falsely believe we are in the wrong of someone else doesn’t validate us.

As we are capable of accepting responsibility for things we haven’t even done, we are capable of looking inwards, opening up, healing our inner traumas, learning about ourselves, growing and moving forward to a much happier life.

2. Gaslighting is also a hideous form of psychological manipulation to distort another’s reality.

As a narcissist Denys us of our realties, our beliefs, our hopes and our dreams, our experiences, things like, that never happened, I never said that you’re just insecure, no one likes you, you’re overacting, you’re mistaken it didn’t happen like that, I’m not talking to you about this, you shouldn’t be angry, it’s all your fault, don’t take things personally. It invalidates our reality and our experiences, often leading us to go to them for validation and answers just to have ourselves invalidate even more.

We slowly believe the false narrative of the narcissist’s toxic words, as it becomes easier for our minds to see it that way, and we feel validated by them when we accept their lies. Our minds believes The truth is harder to see and more painful to handle so we run from it, when in reality that pain lasts until we face it, once we face it all and deal with it all, accept truly what has happened again, connecting with those who’ve lived it we then become validated within ourselves again.

3. Blame shifting, where the narcissist definitely did do something, yet they twist and turn it all around onto you, so they can escape accountability and avoid responsibility.

with the gaslighting and silent treatments our minds have already been trained to look towards ourselves for blame, the narcissist uses many gaslighting phrases to pass the blame onto us, the silent treatments so we self blame, or they provoke to get a reaction from us, then downplay or forget what they did and turn it all around to what we did, even if we didn’t do anything, they will find fault.

When someone is always picking faults at own behaviour, it leaves us questioning what’s wrong with us, rather than looking at reality, their blame-shifting validates our negative behaviours, no one is perfect we all make mistakes, even with good intentions people can act in negative ways, when these are the things that are always brought up, our minds begin to subconsciously look for the negatives, look for the blame, as they never validate the good that we do, we no longer feel good about ourselves, good enough or worthy of others, leaving us with self-doubt, questioning all our behaviours and actions

When our minds are programmed to think in negative ways, we find it increasingly more difficult to find the joys in life, overwhelmed with negative emotions, often causing anxiety and CPTSD.

There are lots of steps to overcome anxiety and CPTSD which I’ve talked about before, another to help with this is reprogramming our subconscious mind to work for us, this takes time an practice, once you can master your own thoughts and emotions life becomes more joyful, it doesn’t mean bad things will not happen, or pain those low moments will not hit, it means you’ll be better prepared for how to handle those moments, be able to understand how to make life work for you, so when something happens In a morning, like you can not find your car keys and start to think it’s going to be one of those days, then find everything about that day to make it one of those days, you’ll stop and think, find them, call a friend, get public transport, you’ll recognise it’s just a moment in time and doesn’t need to affect the rest of your day, you’ll find methods within your mind to overcome obstacles rather than avoid them, overcome situations, rather than let them bring you down, face the real problems rather than finding other problems.

4. Denial, the narcissist denies us of realities and truths, always lying and hiding things, deception is their middle name and the aim of the game is to invalidate all others, gain control and do as they please, even the breakups the discard, is done in such cruel ways to deny us closure, to leave us to try and work it all out whilst left in emotional turmoil, they great news is once you do learn about the narcissistic personality disorder you can give yourself the closure, even with facts and evidence placed in front of them they will deny, leaving our minds confused, questioning them more, leaving us hurt and angry, whilst their sense of self is inflated as they feel important that others want answers, they don’t care for negative attention or positive, attention is attention, what matters to them is when they are ignored, no longer important to others, often why most will seek to destroy those who go no contact.

5. Financial abuse, there are so many ways narcissist financial abuse people, yet somehow most control the money, either not wanting you to work, and finding ways so you can not, or them not working and playing the guilt card to borrow money and never pay you back, both methods invalidate your security to either have the right to earn or spend money on yourself.

6. The constant criticism, from how you look, what you wear, your shape, size, hair, they constantly go at any flaws or insecurities that you might have had, they pick us apart bit by bit, from telling us directly. Overt. “You couldn’t do that course.” To the covert “I wouldn’t bother if I was you.” They slowly invalidate how we feel about ourselves, our capabilities, our thoughts, so they can feel better within themselves.

Narcissistic people love to manipulate and invalidate, why most survivors of narcissistic abuse are left afraid to speak out, in case others invalidate them further, yet joining support groups and supportive people, just sit back and observe first make sure they are the right people, once you are ready to open up, you’ll see how you are thinking and feeling after or during a narcissistic relationship is normal and your thoughts are valid.

There are hurt people who go around hurting people to help themselves feel better. Then there are hurting people who go around helping people as they don’t want others to feel how they feel.

No contact with those who invalidate who you are is the best method to start recovery, finding people who will validate you until you can start to validate yourself again helps massively.

If you can not go no contact, Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, that one response is for you, you can communicate with them, but you must understand if it doesn’t serve them they are not listening and will seek to take you down, to gain control over you. You, however, are entitled to be who you want to be and think how you want to think, narcissistic people are not looking for compromise as you are, they are looking at everything single-minded and from their way only.

If you respond state your point calmly and once, you do not need to defend your actions, thoughts or feelings to them, most will try to take you off topic leave them to it, know your point and stick to it. You can only compromise with those who understand give and take.

Let them know if you want that you understand their point of view, yet it’s not for you.

Make sure your behaviour matches your words, once they take you down on one thing, they’ll go for more.

Don’t get angry, yes it’s hard at first, they want you to be angry, that’s why they are doing what they do.

creating your inner confidence and self-validation, so you observe others negativity and don’t absorb. Confidence is not something anyone just has, it’s something they create, for themselves.

Not everything is positive, try to find the positive in everything.

Start speaking up for yourself, no more I don’t mind, unless you truly don’t about that thing, start doing what you’d like to do for you.

Stop worrying about offending others, be tactful yes, be humble yes, but don’t deny yourself the truth of who you are, with good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way.

Face your fears head-on and overcome them one by one, not easy, start with the small ones, if it’s smiling at a stranger keep doing it, when people start smiling back it lifts you up, then look for the next fear.

Dress how you want to dress, raise your head high and walk tall, dress to impress yourself.

Compliment others, genuine compliments, raising others up actually helps raise yourself up.

Focus on the good, things to be grateful for, look for things you have achieved.

Look to others for inspiration that has achieved, they are human just like you, they will have had their ups and downs, perhaps different to yours yet they’ll have had them, if they can do something, you can too.

Ignore the haters they are not for you.

make some You time each day to sit and reflect, give yourself credit for things you have achieved, progress made and things you are proud of.

Know within yourself, you have a right to feel how you feel, accept how you feel in the moment, learn to recognise the emotions and what they are teaching you, work through them.

Don’t allow frustration to let you feel shame, we all slip up, we all make mistakes, then our minds look for. “This always happens to me.” Or. “It’s going to be a bad day.” I knew I couldn’t do it, no point trying.” We the spiral into depression, most often left with these feelings after a narcissistic relationship, remind yourself that you are human, If Thomas Edison felt that way he wouldn’t have invented the light bulb, instead he said. “I haven’t failed, I just found 10,000 ways it didn’t work.” Tell yourself to go again, you can and you will.

Find your strengths and skills and work to create brighter things.

Some people believe having confidence makes them narcissistic, with good intentions towards others this simply isn’t true, a narcissist tries to build themselves up by destroying others, good people build themselves up by helping others.

Remember there is a difference between a confident narcissistic negative person. Their confidence is actually arrogance, they believe they are better than all others.

Empathetic confident person. The ability of been certain within yourself and your abilities.

Am I Really Dealing With A Narcissist?

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

So many hit a moment within their lives, I like to call it the light bulb moment, when we’ve been walking around in a trance often knowing something isn’t quite right, yet too busy questioning ourselves, or making excuses for other people’s negative behaviours, trying to help those that are damaging to our, mental, physical and emotional health, without even realising it, then something clicks and we realise that their treatment, behaviour and actions towards us are not right, that lightbulb moment, it can be one insignificant thing or one major after so many, and we start connecting the dots, then we might stumble across the word narcissist, not knowing enough, yet knowing some we might question am I the narcissist? First if you ask this the answer is usually no, then remember whatever you did was either to protect yourself from harm or to help them, it was with good intentions, you can see others perspectives, you feel guilt and remorse, you have empathy and can put yourself in another’s shoes all qualities narcissists are missing.

If the narcissist in your life is a friend, co-worker, boss, relative or partner, you might discover one of your parents or both are, so you’ve walked around attracting them believing and accepting their behaviour as normal, that you should have never accepted.

It’s confusing on so many levels, long term narcissistic abuse actually causes brain damage, it shrinks our hippocampus in our brains which houses our memories, making it hard overtime to remember the simple things, it grows our amygdala which houses our emotions and when surrounded by negative people those negative emotions grow horrifically.

Working on learning new things helps our hippocampus go back to normal and working on handling our emotional health. Whilst staying away from negative people helps our amygdala go back to normal, looking for the positives and things to be grateful for.

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation to distort another person’s reality, and is a hideous form of mental torture, making the target find it increasingly difficult to know their own realities and truths.

Writing it all out, to gather your thoughts and reclaim your reality helps, also talking to those who have lived it and understand you, so you know you’re not alone and you’re feelings are normal and rational.

Silent treatments, another psychological manipulation, for the narcissist to keep control by causing the target extreme mental-emotional pain, and to look for what they did and to right that with the narcissist to escape the pain.

One day when you’re at peace within yourself, learning who you are, creating dreams for the future, knowing why you want something and what the outcomes are, those silent treatments will be long forgotten and you’ll find inner peace in no contact, or if you have to deal with them, you’ll understand the importance of no reactions and not letting their negative, toxic behaviours impact who you are, or how you feel, you’ll learn self-discipline and self-control, you’ll observe and no longer absorb, you might not feel this in the beginning, yet please believe it, others have before you and you can too.

Provoking, a narcissist will look for an argument in any given situation if it suits them, they will go all out to destroy special occasions, then they will gaslight, and blame shift, they will deny things they said, blame you for thing you might not have even done, whatever they can to escape responsibility and accountability and turn it all into you, with their twisted words we believe them. Things also like “it wasn’t that bad.” “That never happened.” And if you didn’t I wouldn’t.”

This can cause reactive abuse, which they will play down their behaviour and exaggerate ours, with our hippocampus shrinking our memories slowly fade and with the gaslighting, we start to truly blame ourselves and make excuses for their behaviour towards us. With our emotions on overload with think, it’s down to how we are feeling and blame ourselves.

This gets us walking on eggshells, for fear of reactions and fear of pain, yet it’s still not enough to stop them and their toxic negative behaviour, they still come at us.

All this then causes cognitive dissonance within our minds, where our beliefs are constantly contradicted with our realities, often living the realities get been sold a convincing false narrative by the narcissist of their reality, as our boundaries get slowly broken down from the massive tantrums they play, from those silent treatments to sulking, triangulation, proving, blame-shifting. We lose our values our beliefs and our realities, they slowly sink us, with their toxic words and behaviour leaving our thoughts and judgment clouded.

Writing out the reality and facts of what truly happened as you set your mind straight again, knowing that no one deserves to be treated the way they treated you, accepting responsibility for your own behaviour, learning that’s not who you truly are, who you want to be, passing the responsibility of their actions towards you back to them, back to the rightful owner, learning from experience, growing from experience, taking those lessons with you, healing the inner you and letting the past go. Learning to speak up again for who you are to the right people, connect with loving, genuine and caring people just like you, when you learn and know who you are, you’re values, your beliefs, behaviours you will no longer accept and your boundaries, the right people will enter your life, you’ll learn to trust those instincts and not the poison words of others.

With their triangulation, we often are left isolated with only them to turn to for reality checks. They will lie about what others say to about you, they will lie to others about what you’ve said about them, or if you speak out about something the narcissist has said the other party has said about you, if you defend yourself, the narcissist will happily go and tell that person.

Reaching out to those who tried to warn you, finding your courage to just do it, stop overthinking it, what the worst that could happen they reject you, they’re not in your life right now, you will be fine without them, if they can not forgive you, or at least try to understand what truly happened, they are not for you, yet chances are the best will happen, they cared enough to try and warn you, they will care enough to walk with you, and please forgive yourself, for allowing your self to cut people out, self-isolation through manipulation is a normal response, let any remorse or guilt go, it eats into your present, talk it out, grieve, forgiveness is for you first, then let it goes, it’ll not serve you future, the negative needs leaving in the past, so you can start finding the inner joy and happiness to create the future of your dreams, whatever those dreams are, they are for you.

We end up trauma bonded, from all those highs and lows, the highs releasing dopamine and the lows releasing cortisol meaning we become addicted on a subconscious level.

Tony Robbins six human needs, love and connection, growth, certainty, uncertainty, significance and contribution all get filled in a negative way, when we do anything within our lives that fills these six human needs we become addicted, with narcissist we feel connected when they are treating us right we build a bond with them, we feel love when they are idolising us, growth short term when they are selling is false dreams, certainty we have them, uncertainty as we never know who they will be, significant and contribution when we are doing our best to help them, not knowing we are sinking ourselves.

Reconnect to positive things, to break negative addictions, you have to know why you must do it, know why the negative addiction is no longer serving you, and find something that you love doing, that’s positive that will serve you, whatever that is for you, reading, writing, dancing, singing, yoga, meditation. Exercise, cooking, cleaning, gardening, find something that you are passionate about, to give you that get up and go and to keep you busy, it’s ok to not know what you want right now, just keep trying new things that keep you happy, until you find the thing for you, when you find it, don’t quit, say no to quitting on you, yes life gets tough, yes we all make mistakes, it’s ok just try a new approach until you achieve it, acknowledge any achievements along the way so your mind and your thoughts start to see them, believe them and gives you the encouragement to keep going.

They threaten, bully and intimidate us, to place that fear in us and that fear is heightened because of our amygdala growth in our minds. Fear from “I wouldn’t do that if I was you.” Threats that they’ll take the children or harm the family, destroy your job, tell you “no one will ever love you.” The gaslighting of “you’re insecure.” Whenever you speak out about your instincts, trust in those instincts they know what they are on about even when your mind does not. The “you’re crazy.” ” you’ll never be nothing, you’ll never have nothing, you’re not good enough and all the rest.”

Most people who threaten don’t always carry out those threats, they act on impulse, do what you need to, to keep yourself safe, protective orders etc, but don’t let that fear stop you, if your leaving them, don’t let them know, you don’t know how they will act, focus on getting out safely.

The narcissist slowly takes us down, destroying our thought process so we can no longer think straight, believing how we feel isn’t normal when it actually is normal with what you are living through, it is a living hell, they will sell you a dream to deliver you a nightmare. They take our dignity, self-confidence, hopes and dreams.

Then when they’ve sunk us they up and leave, often returning to take more from us.

Or if they still are with us they will play nice for a short time to pull us back in just to unleash the not so nice upon us again.

They have two faces the admiration face, where they want all the praise and compliments, this is when they play nice and the envy face, when they tantrum and are hurtful on so many ways, as they seek to destroy, both faces are all about them meeting their needs and never about you.

Start small and dream big to build your confidence back up, look at how your holding yourself, if you slumped over your body will naturally help your mind to feel down, sit straight, walk tall, smile more, find the laughter, dress to impress yourself, look good for yourself and start to feel better within yourself. Anxiety’s and CPTSD all need working on to create a happier, healthier you.

The smear campaign, no one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist losing control of someone else’s mind, they will go all out to ruin those who dare to walk away from them.

Don’t pay the Smear Campaign any attention, leave them and their flying monkeys to it, let them gossip, keep your head held high, with nothing coming from you it will pass in time, not easy I know, do the hard work and it gets easier, focus on what you can do for you.

Even when you’ve experienced all this and more, as you go along thinking yes yes yes, one lightbulb after another, we still might question, are they a narcissist?

Here’s a list of traits of a narcissistic person, people do have a trait or two this doesn’t make them a narcissist, they need just over half to be on the spectrum.

Superior and entitled. They believe they are above all others they believe they deserve special treatment, as they believe they are better than all others.

Exaggerated need for attention and admiration. As they deep down are extremely insecure and vulnerable, they need attention to keep those feelings deeply hidden from themselves and from others. They don’t care for negative attention or positive attention, they just want and need attention, a narcissist can not stand being ignored, often why they will start mass smear campaigns.

Need for control. As they feel entitled and superior to all others they want full control over anything, everything and everyone, it’s their way or major tantrum way until they get their own way.

Lack of empathy. They do not have the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes, so long as their needs are being met, they do not feel guilt or remorse, on shame, how do they handle that shame, bypassing the blame and escaping accountability or responsibility.

Lack of responsibilities, they don’t have time for the responsibility that’s for you to deal with, to pick up the pieces and fix it all from them, they take no responsibility for their actions as in their eyes you made them do it, so it’s your responsibility and your fault.

Lack of boundaries. They have no respect for the law as they believe they are entitled, they might pretend to depend on who they are around, when in reality they will find Koop holes in restraining orders, they will use courts to further punish their targets. All to meet a need of their own, they have no regard for other boundaries, all they care for is to get what they want when they want.

Exaggerated achievements and talents. Lies are just natural to them, they lie that much it becomes their truths. They will exaggerate or even make stuff up, to be admired and most often they believe the lies they tell.

Monopolising Conversations. To a narcissist it’s all me, me and more me, they will twist any conversation back onto themselves unless of course, they are blaming you for something then it’s all about how ungrateful you are, or what you’ve done wrong.

Envious of others. They want power and control, they are extremely envious and jealous of others, most often putting others down to build themselves up, they believe others are envious of them.

Extremely sensitive to criticism. No one throws a tantrum like a narcissist being criticised, they will rage, silent treatment, provoke, sulk. As they believe they are perfect, even if they were not criticised directly they take it personally, as they feel above all others they don’t look to change themselves just destroy those who criticised them. You might get a false apology and a promise of change, this is only ever to meet a need of their own, once met they are back to being who they truly are.

Take advantage of others, giving very little in return. Believing they are entitled and deserve special treatment, they will happily use all others with the many manipulation tactics above to meet their own needs.

Believing they are unique. They believe they are special and not a lot of people understand or are like them, that they are above all others.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so those on the low end of the scale might have low levels of empathy etc, they don’t all have all the traits they do have at least five. Those who have them all are more dangerous so you need to get as far away as you can and go no contact, others you can manage your time around them.

no matter who the narcissist was or is in your life, they will always be stuck on a pattern of repeat, destroying their inner selves and those around them. you can learn to walk free from the drama. how to disarm them, or go no contact, you can learn exactly who they are and what they do, you can learn to find your goals and dreams, your happiness, heal from the pain, let go of the guilt and trauma, it is a massive learning curve, sometimes it’s hard, some moments it’s easy, when those hard moments hit, look for what you did in those easy moments and keep going, never give up on you, anything is possible if you keep working on you. Keep learning and keep growing. You can and you will.

Detach Your Thoughts From The Ex Narcissists

Overcoming Narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life coach.

Detaching yourself from the ex.

When you are still attached to a toxic person, some ways to try and turn it around and get over it.

When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic ex and you keep going back.

One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, then they reappear wanting you back, mental abuse has so many effects, whilst you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault.

You have to break the pattern of thoughts within your mind, just like watching the same movie, you know what’s going to happen, you know the end, yet because of the good bits you watch it again, or the same track of music, the more you listen to it the more it sticks in your mind. You might hear different bits from it each time you listen, or you might take different perspectives from it, which is great yet when you’re listening and hearing the same thing over and over again, that’s what you’re hearing and your mind is perceiving and then your mind focuses on it, that song you hear in the morning that gets stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Your mind and thoughts need interrupting, like when you’re deep in conversation, then someone takes you off-topic and you forget the original point because your mind was interrupted.

With the ex, unfortunately, we sometimes want to change our thoughts, yet because we’ve nothing perceived as more important to focus, stuck on the old dreams instead of finding new ones, we can not shift those thoughts, or we get so stuck and caught up in that woe is me pain mindset, even though we want to we just can not, we have to find ways to make it a must, when it’s a must, when our minds know we must. We then take action to find a way to do this, we then find ways and methods to break our thought process and make our minds work for us rather than against us.

  1. Write down the story you tell yourself, next write the truth. Things like.

We had an amazing connection.

They learnt everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.

They can change,

They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it, what’s different now? Nothing they will not change,

It was my fault they acted that way.

No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.

We could make it work this time.

Then write.

What’s different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.

I’ll never find real love.

If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.

2. What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?

Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend, if the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( if the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.

They would tell you, this person is bad for you, they are toxic, they have mental problems if they know about narcissism they may tell you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would tell you.

3. What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?

Think of a couple you know, if one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. You’d be telling them to run the other way.

So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.

When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of story’s, with the help of twisted words from the narcissist, when you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.

4. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?

Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future, by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the ex to answer too.

5. Remember you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did.

obsession, trauma bond and attachment to anyone is not love. It’s intense, it’s mistaken for love, you think it’s love it’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, it’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?

Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind “ it’s not love. It is an addiction, it’s not love. It is an addiction.”

6.stick to boundaries and no contact.

Set boundaries and stop all contact, Grey rock if they still see the children. At the start it’s going to be really hard, you will have withdrawals, keep going it gets easier. Do it now, you have to go through the withdrawals no other way, it’s far better to do it now, than in ten years time, after withdrawals you will reclaim your happiness.

7. Discover a new passion for you.

Replace that void, that they leave behind, with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the routine you miss.

8. When you’re having down moments put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you. Look for things you have achieved in life, look for things to be grateful for.

9. When they just pop into your head, acknowledge they have, then tell yourself you’re not interested, find anything you can to remove those thoughts. Watch something funny, Listen to something good, call a friend, start making plans for your future, whatever it takes to reprogram your mind, you can and you will.

Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their, best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you.