Ways Narcissists Take Down Your Boundaries And How To Get Your Boundaries Back.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

A narcissist is all about control, and they want to control you, one of the ways they do this is by taking you away from who you are and leaving you an empty shell of your former self. They use plenty of manipulative methods to do this and one of those is stripping you of all your boundaries, to make you guarded, cautious, doubt yourself, defensive. Leaving you with things like anxiety and CPTSD as they are taking away your self-respect and dignity, by breaking down your boundaries, leaving you vulnerable so they get their needs met and you know longer know what your own needs are. A narcissist doesn’t have respect for others or boundaries, they just seek control. They want you to ignore who you are and your needs and to fill all their needs.

Manipulation starts from the moment you meet the narcissist, they want to break down your boundaries to steal your self-respect, your dignity, your self-esteem and who you are. If you dare to question them about things they say on first dates, most will walk away, however, as you believe people to be good and there’s no evidence that the narcissist is bad, when you meet them and they’ve got the admiration face only, they like all your likes, they treat you so well, they mirror you, flatter you, and you believe you’ve met the one. They will message you, want to spend time with you, doing the things you love to do.

Once they have you even in the first few weeks of dating, they’ll start taking down your boundaries, they’ll start asking you things that most wouldn’t even ask someone they barely knew, if you tell them the not so big secrets yet still personal, they’ll slowly push you for more, they might tell you story’s about how they’ve been miss treated making themselves look vulnerable and opening up your empathy, feeling like they understand you and you can relate to each other and connect you open up to them, telling them yours.

Now it’s good at the beginning of relationships, to be honest and to be open with each other. As we know all too well, it’s not nice finding out things years down the line which causes pain, some people who are healed from past traumatic experiences can open up and share them. Good people can connect through their vulnerabilities whatever those vulnerabilities are, but you have to accept them within yourself first so people can not use them against you, we all have vulnerabilities. If your not ready to open up to others about certain things don’t, you can let someone know you’ve had things happen and can relate but you want to leave it in the past, or you just don’t want to talk about it. if they are for you they’ll accept this, some might push you as they genuinely want to know you better but they will back off and wait until you’re ready, a narcissist will either disappear on you or keep pushing you.

Physically they will step over the mark in the way they touch you, rushing you in when you’re not truly ready, they might touch you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable to see if they can push you into their world of control, if something feels uncomfortable to you, tell them, a good person who’s overstepped the mark without realising will back off and wait, a narcissist will either keep pushing their luck to see if they can break your boundaries or disappear on you, now if you’re ready and truly feel comfortable going with the flow that’s ok, but learn to listen to yourself and how you feel, if they are moving way to fast, or it feels inappropriate to you tell them. Good people will respect you for this.

They will feed you some subtle lies about themselves or others in the beginning, to see how much you buy into them, if you question them they might change the subject or tell you more things that you just don’t think to add up, now on first dates most of us want to put out our best side, but good people don’t lie. Narcissists lie also to see if you’re agreeable or passive, to see if you’ll happily accept their viewpoint or challenge them. They are drip-feeding you lies to see how much they can get away with and what you will accept from others.

They declare love and soulmate status very quickly so they can learn all your weaknesses, so you open up faster. Learn anything from your past that’s given you insecurities in the present and find those you’ve not healed from so they can use them against you in the future, they want to know what troubles you and what fears you have, what makes you angry, so they can use these against you to provoke you in the future for many manipulative reasons and one is so they can use them against you to break down your boundaries. Only open up with new people when you’re ready, listen to your instincts they are right if you don’t want to talk about things don’t.

As the relationship progresses and they have you hooked they will up the manipulation to take down all your boundaries one by one, if you don’t want to do something and they want to control, they might do this by, make you angry, so you back down because you feel guilty, they might threaten In obvious ways, overt. “I’ll tell,” or subtle ways covert “what do you think your friends would think if they knew.” Using others against you, so you fear others finding out things your not ready for them to know. Plus countless other threats so you give in to their demands. If you have children and they know the children are your biggest weaknesses and what you’ll defend the most, they will find ways to get to you through the children, tormenting them in subtle ways, just to get reactions from you, or making the atmosphere that bad the children want to live with the other parent and the narcissist will drop obvious or subtle hints. they will provoke you to get reactions from you, they them might threaten you about your reactions or blame-shift onto you so you do what you can to make it up to them, whilst they lap up the attention. They will disappear on you, or the present silent treatment where they stay around yet will not talk, or just sulk like a toddler not getting their own way in an adults body, which is usually so you find a way to break the conflicts, Cheer them up, restore peace, and that way is usually you losing yet another boundary, more and more of who you are is slowly lost. Then they might play nice for a while to confirm in you mind the problems within the relationship was because of you, the problems are not you, they are responsible for their own actions, whilst being manipulated your not truly awake or responsible for yours, when you can not see what you don’t know, and they’ve taken power and control of your mind.

Some narcissists will beg, or pity play, so you feel sorry for them and give in, or they’ll triangulate you, let you know how someone else would for them or their friends, or the ones where they tell you that the crazy ex would have for them, leaving you doubting your abilities to sustain a healthy relationship. Or put fear into you that you might lose them if you don’t give in to what they want.

Slowly over time they have you walking on eggshells and jumping to ever demand, losing all your boundaries for fear of reactions from them. There might be that one boundary they try which is your wake up call and you just leave for good, this can be after years of being with them.

Then as you spend more time away, the fog lifts and you start to see everything you’ve been through.

everyone’s boundaries are unique to them, it’s learning your own, what behaviour you will and will not accept for others, also the other person you are dealing with, so if you’ve loaned someone money and they never pay it back, that doesn’t mean if you don’t mind loaning money and never do it again, just don’t do it with those unwilling to pay you back, do it for those who are willing to help you out in times of need, it’s all about give and take, if all someone is willing to do is take, it’s time to stop giving.

If you’re still dealing with a narcissist from your past, you need to set solid boundaries, remember they are not going to change to who you’d like them to be, they are who they are, accept that they are no good for your inner happiness and you can not help them, then for your own sanity no contact is best, if this isn’t possible due to children avoid them as much as possible. When you set boundaries to remember a narcissist is all about control and dominance, they feel entitled and are extremely stubborn and most up their games to take back control. Setting boundaries isn’t about changing them, it’s about setting yourself free, learning now you have the knowledge of who they are and what they do, as it’s incredibly hard when you’ve not got the understanding not to be taken down by these people as most of us know all too well, now we do know what they are and what they do it’s all about learning to manage ourselves.

learning who we want to be, learning our beliefs, our values, our standards, only accepting behaviour from others that we’d give to others, and no longer accepting behaviour that doesn’t match who we are, we are with good intentions hopefully allowed to be who we want to be, raising our standards, yet lowing our expectations of others so we don’t get angry or frustrated when they seek to hurt us.

Setting boundaries is hard, especially if you’ve never thought about them in the past, if you’ve always put other people’s needs before your own, boundaries that are healthy and work for you, will not only help you to say no to things that don’t suit you, it’ll also help stop attracting narcissistic or manipulative people into your future.

So if you’re still dealing with a narcissist or not, you need to learn your boundaries and stop letting others cross them.

Healthy boundaries are a way to show others how you expect to be treated as a person and why you’ll not accept from others.

It takes great courage and strength to start setting boundaries, and at first you might not notice one has been crossed until someone does something and you feel hurt or anger, even if you’re more aware of what boundaries are now, again with everything in life it’s a learning curve and we are all individuals, you might fear to speak up to that person who crossed the boundaries, you might not want to upset them, you might not want to lose them, fearing confrontation when you do, just try to keep your emotions out of it, stick to the facts and don’t let people take you off-topic, remain calm, if they are not accepting of you for who you are, they are not the people for you, good people might not even know they had crossed a boundary you might have a laugh together or a cry together, you will, however, sort it out with good people. You can not control how they react, you can control you.

Setting boundaries isn’t about winning or losing, its about mutual respect for each other. If the other person crosses a boundary or keeps trying to, and takes no responsibility towards their own actions. We are all responsible for our own actions, when someone can not take responsibility for their own, of how they have treated you they have no respect for you.

With the narcissist, you will encounter resistance from them, just because you have learned your boundaries they are not going to change who they are, stay true to you, remain calm, stand your ground because you’re worth it. Leave them to it, don’t dwell on what-ifs, go back to focusing on your own life.

You don’t need others approval , you only need your own, so long as your intentions are good it doesn’t matter what others think, being a people pleaser often ends up with you surrounded by the wrong kind of people who take advantage of your kind nature, being true to who you are first, then being kind to others you’ll surround yourself with like-minded people.

We are human not everyone likes everyone, find those who like you for you, respect you, and you respect and like them for them, people who can see perspectives of others views.

Boundaries with a narcissist.

  • Don’t take the bait, do all you can to avoid communication with them, if they are coming at you, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you need to do so, retreating means you don’t act out at the moment, a quick rethink. Do I need to respond? Is it better left unsaid? Then if you have to respond remove emotions, make it simple and stick to logic and facts. If they’re saying “you’re crazy.” No need to respond that’s their opinion, not yours don’t get drawn in that’s what they won’t leave them to it. If they’re saying. “Can not have children Friday.” Just a simple “o.k.” Or “thank you for letting me know.” They are most likely doing things to provoke you and get reactions, be warned when they see a change in you they might up their games, so not back down as them they cycle starts again, instead, ride out the storm it will pass and you’ll learn how much easier life is this way.
  • Don’t give them any bait, don’t share things about your personal life or your plans, they will try to use these against you, to bring you down, leave them out in the cold as they have done to you, there is a difference, they did it for reactions, you’re doing it for inner peace.
  • Clearly, communicate especially around children. “Parents even Wednesday at 7 p.m.” You don’t need to ask if they are going, they have the facts leave them to it, whatever they send back don’t go off-topic they have the facts if they say ” thanks for the short notice.” And you’d only just found out or forgot to tell them. You do not need to explain this to them, they will suck you in to spit you out. “I can not make it.” Again don’t respond that’s up to them, live your own life now. They’ve already proved they are not worthy of your time and attention, don’t give it to them.
  • If you are saying no to yourself, by saying yes to someone else, you need to say no to them and yes to you, so you become happier.
  • Remember their responses are purely to break your boundaries and break you down, don’t let them upset you, for a moment as you’re learning it will, but learn how to quickly shift your thoughts and look for the good within your life.
  • Be prepared the narcissist might go quite then they might come at you again, use those quiet times to really work on your inner self. When they come back to get to you again you’ll be stronger and wiser, stick to your boundaries whatever yours are.
  • Your no needs to mean no and you need to stick to your no.

How Narcissistic People Destroy Your Self Esteem And How To Rebuild It.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Being around narcissistic people isn’t only mentally and physically draining, it is soul-destroying and takes who you are away bit by bit. Part of reclaiming who you are and who you want to be is rebuilding your self-esteem which is all about working on your inner confidence.

Narcissists through many manipulation tactics slowly destroy your self-esteem, self-respect, dignity and confidence. It’s up to us to take that power away from them and take back control of our lives. Taking back your ability to control your own, Self- worth self-respect, confidence and dignity.

How do they destroy these in us? Narcissists are the masters of cruel and sometimes calculating manipulation.

Mostly through the words, it’s not always what they say, sometimes it’s the way they say it that makes it so hard to see it whilst you’re living it. Especially if you had narcissistic parents, even if you didn’t narcissist partners, friends, teachers, can have a massive impact on you. When you don’t understand it’s hard to know what’s happening to you.

Mostly through gaslighting so we end up doubting our own reality, ourselves, and our own minds start to work against us.

They will say things like. “You miss understood me.” Or. “That never happened.” Or “you’re too sensitive.” These are to make you doubt yourself, make you think you’ve overacted and it’s all your own personal issues. Leaving you with more and more personal issues.

If you’re still dealing with these people, or have the misfortune to come across more. Know your own truth, yes you can misunderstand people if they then go on to explain and be Genuine about what they meant and don’t use it against you, you misunderstood, if they make you feel worse know they meant every word. If you know something happened it happened, don’t let their words infect your mind, you’re more aware and know what you are dealing with now. Walk away.

Then the, “you’re so dramatic.” Or “I hate drama.” And the rest. So it suggests you are to blame for all conflict within the relationship. Making us doubt our own abilities, making us feel like the fault lays within us.

If you’re still dealing with them, know it matters to you and they can not take that away from you, look at the full story and who truly created the drama.

The subtle ” are you wearing that.” To the obvious. “You’d look better in that if you lost weight.” Regularly negative comments like those and the countless others. “Are you really going to do that.” Or “I wouldn’t do that if I was you. All these negative self-doubting comments instilled into us by others is extremely damaging when our minds absorb these regular and repeated toxic negative digs, making us doubt who we are and how we look, our ability to be who we want to be, fearing judgment and fearing consequences of our own actions.

If you’re still dealing with them, know that no one is entitled to belittle you, you are who you are, the problem is with them not you, good people will love you for who you are and raise you up. Know your own truths, don’t let others words play in your mind. With good intentions you’re allowed to do what you please, those that tell you ”you can not.” have an issue within themselves. Show them you can, good people will have your back and want you to succeed.

They will create conflict between people. Narcissists actually thrive off drama, especially when they’re not the centre of attention, they will play others off against each other, play them against you with words like. ” they talk about you behind your back.” Or ” they don’t really like you, to make you doubt who’s actually your friend and what’s wrong with you, they provoke to cause arguments with you, usually so they can blame it all on you. Narcissists will also happily spread, gossip, rumours and your innermost secrets, especially to those you didn’t want to know. This is a massive drain to your confidence.

If your still dealing with them, if they’ve said someone is talking about you, go and ask that person and see what their version of events is, narcissistic people lie so they might have not said anything, those who want to talk about you, that’s up to them, those people don’t deserve to be a part of your life anyway the narcissist did you a favour.

They will learn all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Then they will use them all against you, anything that hurt you in your past. Anything that’s dear to you, any secrets you ever told, they will pick on these, point them out as often as they can, tell others about them. This leaves your vulnerabilities wide open and is soul-destroying that someone you loved so much is happy to use everything that hurts the most against you.

If you’re still dealing with them, understanding that everyone has vulnerabilities and you’re not alone, good people raise each other up, they don’t use them to bring you down.

Who they are, from the narcissist that showers you with attention to the narcissist that destroys you. When you reach breaking point, they’ll bring out the nice narcissist so you doubt yourselves, then when things aren’t going their way evil narcissist comes back out to play, leaving you on edge, walking on eggshells, paying more attention to their happiness and less and less to your own. No longer knowing what makes you truly happy.

Playing nice or playing evil that is who they are. They don’t change they have a personality disorder, with different sides to them, no matter how much they play nice, remember how much pain they cause and walk away.

They are the masters of negativity, living in a toxic negative environment rubs of on you. Once in that cycle, your once happy carefree state of mind is slowly driven out, left full of negative emotions towards yourself and those around to you. Leaving you questioning so much.

Focus on shifting those negative emotions out and finding the joy in life again.

They lie, lie after lie after lie, at first you might think something is off as those lies appear and you might question them, they twist it all around, leaving you doubting reality, doubting yourself and doubting those around you. How could this once loving, respect person lie so much and hurt you so much, they downplay everything, leaving you questioning and blaming yourself, shattering your trust within yourself and those around you.

They will seek others to take their side, manipulating others and lying to others, smearing your name, they flip the story’s, so you end up isolating yourself from the world, shattering your confidence within the world around you.

When you’ve been told for long enough, you’re not good enough, you’ll not find any better and all the others. Don’t your mind starts to believe it and you start to act it.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. The narcissist does not have the final word on your self worth you do. Other people, in general, don’t. Others judgment of you is not for you. Be who you want to be. Treat others with respect, even if they’re not respectful to you. You’ll feel better for doing so.

Your dignity, self-worth all starts within you and the inner confidence of your own abilities, achieving your own dreams. Once you build yourself up from the inside those negative people will no longer be able to take it away. Yes, they might be able to affect you at the moment but shifting onto how you think quickly and being true to you. Learning how to be confident within yourself, will not solve everything for you, life gets hard sometimes. Situations and problems hit. It will give you the ability to handle these better. Confidence is not about knowing everything. It’s about being able to handle yourself, overcome obstacles and mistakes, learning along life journey.

Being confident and trusting in who you are and your own abilities will help you in all areas of your life, from relationships to work. What you ware, how you talk to yourself and others and friendships you make.

When you’re constantly doubting yourself and those around you, doubting your own abilities. You’ll focus on those doubts and not move forward. It’s not easy to build, however, you can do this.

How to reclaim your confidence?

It’s starting all with how you hold yourself when you’re telling yourself, “I’m shy.” You don’t speak out. When you tell yourself “I can not.” You don’t. When you’re feeling sad or negative. You curl up, drop your shoulders, slouch. Drop your head and lose your smile.

Purposefully holding your body right helps massively on the impact of your inner feeling. Power pose when alone in front of a mirror. Give it a try it might make you laugh too. If you’re telling yourself you feel silly. You might and you might just laugh. Notice how much better you feel within.

Even if you think you’ve nothing to smile about. Go and find something to smile about something that makes you happy, stand tall and put that smile on your face, notice your energy shift.

When trying new things, or handling difficult situations, don’t focus on what could go wrong, focus on what will go right, when you focus your mind to what you want you’re more likely to receive the outcome you want.

When meeting new people if you’re thinking. “No one will like me.” You’ll walk in different you’ll talk differently. You’ll avoid eye contact and sit in the corner. If you walk in with. “Hey, I might meet some great new people.” Standing tall with a smile and a hello to everyone you meet, you’ll get that smile back and that hello back. You might strike up that conversation with great people, making that eye contact and connecting with others.

Find positive, uplifting, inspiring people, to surround yourself with, it also rubs off on you. Don’t settle for those who aren’t worthy of you.

When something knocks you off balance at the start of your day and you say to yourself “it’s going to be one of those days.” What usually happens? One bad thing after another.

When you get up and everything’s going great most often you pick that momentum up and keep going. When a problem arises do you let it knock you off balance and spend the rest of the day feeling negative? If you do it’s time to recognise the problem for what it was. Can you do something about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then go focus on something you can do.

Losing negative thoughts, by finding things to be grateful for. It’s hard to emotions like feel pain, anger, hurt when the finding things that make you feel happy. Yes, some negative emotions, problems need dealing with, life’s hard at times, it gets rough at times. Dealing when it hits then move consciously back into the positive emotions.

Look at and recognise how you are taking to yourself “what’s the point.” You’ll not find the point and do it. “What if this happens.” Will stop you trying. “I’m not good enough.” You’ll not see your worth. “No one will love me.” You’ll not find your love ( some find one that helps lift them you. ) instead it needs to be “I must do it because.” And tell yourself the point, find the point. Look at the outcome if you succeed. Tell yourself “I am good enough.” Until your mind believes it. Look at things you’ve done in the past and achieved. “I’m learning to love me.” As you progress. “I love me.”

when you’re feeling down, we all have those down moments, it’s all about breaking the pattern of your thinking and bringing yourself out of them, if you’re feeling alone or miss understood, connection with those who do understand you, good online support groups are great for this to start, connecting with those who’ve loved it, you can dump your thoughts that aren’t severing you and people will give you the acknowledgement that you’re not alone in how you think or feel, tips of what you can do. If you’re feeling down and like you can not do something, tell yourself you can, look at when you’ve done something similar in the past, so your mind knows its possible, or looks for someone who has done it before you to show your mind it’s possible.

Confidence is something we create within ourself, life gets hard at times, even confident people aren’t confident all the time, you have the power within you to recognize when your thinking is working against you and consciously shift those thoughts to make them work for you.

When something happens that makes you feel those negative emotions, know this is normal we all have moments, especially when narcissistic people come at you to bring you down, or life hits hard out of the blue when the thing we’re going great, deal with those emotions there and then at that moment. Then adjust your thoughts, find the things within your life to be grateful for, find the lesson, sometimes it might be a few months later where you suddenly think ” oh if that hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t be doing this.” Find reasons to be blessed not depressed.

We’re human, we make errors, focus on the lesson, focus on the outcome and your mind will find a way. Don’t be hard over mistakes. It’s not there to beat yourself up, it’s there to learn.

Your past doesn’t define your future. It’s a learning curve retraining your own mind, it takes time and practice and once you’ve achieved you keep going, if you take a step back go again. Think about the outcomes you want, know why you want them and you will always find a way.

Thomas Edison.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Using your own mind to work for you, other people do not define who you are, situations, people you’ve been around might have shaped you, you have the power within to change you into who you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you think.

The Most Common Patterns Of The Narcissists Behavior.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, everyone’s ex seems to be a narcissistic person, and whilst in a lot of cases this is true, in others it’s not, some exes might come Close as most people have a trait or two of the disorder, however it is a personality disorder, so someone who cheats a lot doesn’t mean they are a narcissist if they haven’t got other traits, someone who is confident doesn’t make them a narcissist, someone who takes selfies doesn’t make them a narcissist, also some people are just negative, or just toxic. You are allowed to love yourself, in fact, this is the main key to your own inner happiness, and we should all love ourselves first, which can be extremely hard to learn, most narcissistic people deep down don’t actually love themselves, they are very hurt, insecure, individuals who fill their needs and make themselves feel better by sucking the life out of others, destroying people along their way, not realising this continued pattern of behaviour isn’t a nice way to live, for themselves or those around them.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum and there is those on the high end that are extremely toxic and dangerous, those on the lower end that you might be able to manage your time around them and all those in between, not all narcissistic people cheat, all do lie, some manipulative people are not actually narcissists, they don’t destroy others to succeed, some successful people are, some are not.

There are many types of narcissists out there and once you open up to others, you’ll notice just how similar they are in their treatment of others.

A narcissist is a con artist, they will sell you a dream and deliver a living nightmare.

Here are some of the more common signs of how narcissists behave if you think you have or you are dealing with one.

  • They will never be wrong, and if they are it’ll Always be someone else’s fault. Everyone makes mistakes and gets things wrong, we are human it’s how we learn, even from the basics of learning to walk, talk and eat, it’s rarely for any child just to open their mouth and talk perfectly straight away, and we do all talk differently, most people lose this natural thought process that we don’t always get it right the first time, narcissistic people are scared of failure or mistakes and from the judgment of others, no one likes being pulled up on what they’ve done wrong, so most people avoid doing hurtful things, there is no wrong way or right way to live life, so long as your intentions are good, however, with a narcissists, they will never ever admit to being wrong, unless it meets a need of their own, then they will downplay it, or shift the blame onto others, they project all their faults onto others as they never look at themselves or issues they cause, nothing is ever their fault. They don’t learn from mistakes of their own actions and instead, they just hit repeat time and time again. They react extremely badly if challenged or questioned which most people can at times, narcissistic people react badly all the time when they have been exposed for wrongdoing, or even feel criticism in any way, how do they react badly, they will do one of the following, they either fight, temper tantrum, raise their voices, denial, blame-shift, pity plays, make excuses, or flight, walk straight out of the door, silent treatment, sulking.
  • Constant lies or exaggeration, there are the different types of narcissistic people, those who are successful and boast exaggerate at just how incredible they are, and those not as successful that will blame life for treating them so badly, and those in between that will do both. Those who work hard and are successful want praise. Those who are lazy want pity, in the narcissist’s reality they are the hero or the victim, yet never the villain. They lie about things they’ve achieved. Or exaggerate things they’ve achieved. They lie about ex’s, lies about lies. They lie about family, lies about mistakes. Lie to cover lies, in fact, some lie so much they believe their own lies. Now good people can have bad things happen and fall. Good people can get caught up in a white lie. They will not lie about everything.
  • Some say they have a false mask, one face to cover the other face, in my opinion, they are who they are, they have the admiration face at the beginning which is them as it’s all manipulation and lies, they play nice to meet a need of their own, or to let you know you owe them further down the line, they are not helpful or kind because they care, they do this to use and manipulate people. Then the envy face when things don’t go their own way, where they seek to break people down. Or destroy those who’ve escaped them. Some are too lazy to seek revenge, most, however, do the smear campaign. Good people can wear a mask in public for fear of being miss-understood or disliked, that’s part of who they are it’s not to manipulate, its to fit in, whatever face the narcissist has on it is all about manipulation.
  • Where they go drama follows. Whatever they are doing drama seems to follow. They might be gossiping and smearing people’s names, playing people off against each other, provoking people, causing others to argue, lying, cheating, always seeking some form of drama, narcissistic people have high levels of mood swings. They can have intense highs and intense lows, good people can have mood swings, life gets hard, situations happen. Environmental factors like the narcissist you’re dealing with can cause you massive highs and lows, yet most people feel pain and try to avoid it, narcissistic people thrive from drama and negativity in those around them, to make themselves feel better. Those around them end up walking on eggshells to avoid the negativity and drama. Trying to please them and not set them off, as a narcissist doesn’t know what they truly want, they are a ticking time bomb and can go without you even knowing what happened.
  • They control others, or they use others. Controlling behaviour can be a sign in general, you can also have people who are a perfectionist so come across controlling, they’ll not be manipulative with it. Or people who are highly insecure and they are not narcissistic they just need extra certainty within their lives to feel safe. A person on the narcissistic personality disorder will try to control everything and everyone, from how others see them and you, to how you see others, they will act controlling in any given situation and they will use tactics like, intimidating behaviour, threatening behaviour, pity plays, silent treatments, they can be plain old vindictive and nasty. they don’t care for what impact their behaviour has on others, only that they have control, they take the power of controlling behaviour to extremes. Overts can be very direct, converts can be more subtle. Remember you can not control how they act or what they do, you can control how you deal with it and how you respond, the best response is no contact with most narcissists, this is not always possible so limited communication and keeps your focus on you.
  • Manipulation, they seem to be the masters of manipulation, especially when you are unaware of what they are, or what they are capable off, they are highly skilled at turning any disagreements into a massive argument, taking Conversations off the original topic, making other blame themselves for their own bad behaviour, they gaslight others into self-doubt and self-blame. They can be extremely convincing and charming, anyone who goes against them will find themselves in the midst of a mass smear campaign and being outcast as people take the narcissists side. They control others and make decisions for others through guilt and blame, to meet a need of their own. Knowing your own reality, writing key things down, letting go of those who don’t support you, being alone and being lonely are two very different things. You can be with a narcissistic and feel so alone, you can be on your own and not feel Lonely.
  • They idolise, devalue, discard. this goes into their two faces, whilst they want to win you over the will do all the can to be admired, if they feel like Control is slipping they’ll devalue you until you give in and do exactly what they want at that moment. This changes week to week, they discard when they believe you’re no longer meeting their needs. When they feel envious they try to destroy people.
    They can rationalise anything, and convince others they are correct, distorting others reality, they use pathological lying and manipulation, from the gaslighting, provoking and blame-shifting. A narcissist will try to get others to doubt themselves telling them they’re insecure or that something never happened, some will admit but find a way for it to be someone else’s or your fault for why they did something, in such a way people often believe them. Anything that doesn’t feel right to you most often isn’t trust within yourself.
    They will ruin a special occasion, anything that isn’t all about them, they will pull out all the stops to ruin, from birthdays to Christmas, weddings to funerals, if it is their birthday they’ll find a way you didn’t get something right, someone else’s they’ll find a way to ruin, they will provoke to get you in a bad mood, bring up things that happened years ago, bring the attention onto them for someone they’ve lost and offer little to no sympathy, in the beginning, they’ll pull out all the stops to show you they care, once hooked this will stop. They have extremely low to no empathy and do not care for how others feel People who don’t support you through the good and the bad are not the people for you.
    They believe they already know everything, it’s their way and their way only, they are not interested in others perspectives, points of views or opinions as they believe within themselves that they already know everything.
    Rules do not apply to them, yet they apply to those around them, they believe they are above all others and some will manipulate authorities and courts, they believe they’re allowed to do as they please and all others should bow down to them.

The narcissist is stuck with a narcissistic personality disorder, they are not interested in changing as they don’t see fault within themselves, they will continue this pattern throughout life, often getting worse with age, it did not start with you and it will not end with you. Whatever they do to you, it’s not about you and it’s all about them, they want you to believe your the problem to change who you are and help them, most will straight out say to you. ”its not all about you.” because they believe it’s all about them and their needs been met, they do not care for others, they only care for themselves, you can not help them, you can help you by walking free. It is about you, your happiness your life, you choose to help others, they choose to destroy others, Whoever the narcissist is or was in your life, learn your own reality and your own truths, you do not need negative, toxic people who bring you down, life’s hard enough, surround yourself with positive supportive uplifting people.

The Key To Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By. Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Being around narcissistic people in your life, be it your parents, friends, work colleagues, or partner, being around negative toxic people is incredibly draining, you lose so much, from who you are, you’re possessions, your physical health to your mental health. The effects these once charming people have on you is devastating and makes it incredibly hard to just go about your day to day life.

The best success on recovery is focusing on you, creating who you want to be, learning to love and accept yourself for who you are, growing daily, learning daily, removing self-doubt, anxiety and fear of judgment from others, and it all starts with the power of your own mind.

What you think about you bring about, no this doesn’t mean you thought you’d get abused so you caused it to happen to you, no one causes this and no one deserves to be treated this way, what I mean by this is for you to develop who you are now, when you’re in the mindset of why is this happening to me, you look for the things that are happening to you and react, when you’re in the mindset of woe is me, you feel sorry for yourself and take your own power away, the way you stand, the way you dress, the way you talk to yourself, if done in a negative way had a massive impact on your life. You know this to be true as you’ve been around a narcissistic person that’s put you down, holding you back, gaslighted you into worry, fear, dread and full of all those negative emotions, their cruel twisted words have a massive impact on your life, and you have to change that pattern for you to create a much happier, more confident you.

When you’re telling yourself you can not your mind starts to believe it and you don’t, when you’re full of pain, hurt anger, fear of judgment it stops you living in joy, happiness, freedoms to be who you want to be.

There is no wrong way or right way to live your life. With good intentions there is only your way, live it to be true to you and who you want to be.

It can be incredibly hard cutting toxic people out of your life as you don’t want to hurt others you want to help, you don’t want to feel bad, you want to care, but to be the best possible version of you, so you can give the best possible version of you, to good people, you have to let those toxic people go.

When you become happier within, you walk differently, talk differently, smile more and you attract good, happy people that you can then give the best version of yourself to, you might well also attract narcissistic people, but as you are being true to you, you’ll stop people-pleasing and say no, this is a massive deal breaker as no one can throw a tantrum quite like a narcissist not getting their own way.

Controlling your own mind again, and also being able to shift how you’re thinking, helps massively especially when you have narcissistic people throwing everything they can at you.

I know you might think how, I’ve lived the games I’m still living them, I’m not saying the games will not affect you, they make you cry, they make you angry, you can not believe the unbelievability of some of the stunts they pull to get at you, and when they get at you, they’ve achieved exactly what they wanted.

Even a couple of days ago, I was brought to tears about and outside situation out of my control, with another game the ex narcissist is now playing, the key is not to dwell, you can not change what they do, you can not change how they act, you can change the meaning it has in your mind, if you can not change the meaning, you can change your focus. You can release those emotions and carry on with you day, free of the narcissist.

It’s not easy to start, like learning any new skill it takes time and practice, even when you’ve got it, you might have a moment.

Your own thoughts are your key to your power and success.

So what do I mean by this?

Beliefs, your beliefs are one thing that can hold you back, keep you trapped, feel like you’re stuck.

Most often we don’t make conscious choices to what we think about, instead, these have been programmed into our minds over a period of time from our past, so it’s about recognising them, saying things to ourselves like. “Why is this happening to me? How can they do this to me? I’ll never get free. I’ll never be happy. I can not do this.” Gives your mind to look for all those reasons on the past that bad things have happened, those times people have hurt you, those times you’ve felt or are feeling pain, those times you failed. We are human and life is hard, sometimes bad things happen regardless of what a good person we are. Hurt people hurt people, no matter how good you’ve been to them, we all have unhappy moments and we all fail.

All this negative self-talk is no good for us and it keeps us in those negative emotional thought process, trapped within our own minds, always looking for the bad, always feeling incredible pain, and this is no way to live, we have the powers within our own incredible minds to change our story.

Now I’m not saying change our story as narcissistic people change theirs, I’m not saying lie to ourselves, I’m saying recognising the emotions, recognising the situations, don’t make them worse than what they are. And I know all too well just how difficult narcissistic people can make your life, recognising the situation for what it is. dealing with them as and when they happen, then shifting our mind and our focus. Do focus on the worst that could happen, or something negative that could happen next week. Next month. Focus on the best possible outcome you can get for you. Know why you want that outcome, focus on that outcome and you will find a way at some points for it to work for you.

Blocking things out will not help, those emotions are real, the more you cover them up, the more you build them up, the more unhappy you become, the harder it becomes to dig your way out, just like the narcissist did to you through all their toxic words, they might have played nice for a week, a month, six months, yet because we didn’t recognise how their carefully chosen words affected us, it slowly sank us .

Those negatives words from others when we absorb them, or from ourselves, has a major effect on our day to day lives, we slowly sink into a pattern of depression and anxiety, CPTSD, all things we have to work on also to more forwards. You do have the power to overcome this if you want to.

Choose to work on your mind and stop letting those negative thoughts hold you back, stop limiting yourself, break free from the narcissist and their toxic words also, just because they speak you have the power to not take those words into your mind and keep them locked in there. You have the choice to see how unbelievable and wrong they are about you. Now you don’t have a choice whilst living it, you do, however, have a choice when you have the knowledge of what they do. You also now have a choice to think how you want to think, when hard times happen in life it will affect our emotions, that’s part of life, we can choose how we deal with these emotions and how long we will let things bring us down before we tell ourselves “no that’s not how I want to think, feel or live.” Then we make a choice to change something and that choice can change everything. We have the choice when we get knocked down or of the track to get up and go again, get ourselves back on track.

You need to work on your own thoughts, and start making those thoughts work for you. No longer live in fear or self-doubt and start living in joy happiness and confidence.

Start with little things you can change for you. To give you the evidence you can do it, then work up to the big things. If you’re struggling to get out of bed. Set your alarm, tell yourself you can and you will. have a focus of what you’re going to get up for, going for a walk to get some fresh air and feed your mind and body, or start getting up to read a good book. To have a cup of coffee, changing your routines or creating new routines, creating new patterns for you.

You have to make a conscious choice that you can and you will do it. Look for what you’ve achieved in the past to show yourself you can.

When the narcissist throws one of their hideous games your way. Recognise the emotions and let yourself know. “I can not control what they do, I can control how it makes me feel.” Cry it out if needed, scream it out. If you can dump it out of your mind with good positive people who’ve lived it. Get the support help and guidance you need. The more you connect with others that understand how you feel. The more you’ll recognise you’re not alone in how you feel, the more you connect with those who have overcome it. The more you’ll see it’s possible for you.

Ask yourself “can I solve it.” If not leave it. It’s not worth worrying about something you can not solve. Refocus your mind into the present. It’s happened, it’s now in the past, deal with the emotions, release them and move on. If it’s something that might affect your future, focus on the outcome you want in the future, keep that focus, even if you don’t know a way forward now to get that outside if you focus on it you will achieve it. Look at those things you’ve wanted to happen for good in the past that you created, you found away.

If you can not do anything about it at the moment, take your mind onto something you are passionate about, something that makes you smile, it’s hard to cry when you’re smiling, or find something that makes you laugh, what makes you happy?

Use your conscious thoughts daily to focus on good things you want to bring into your life, know why you want them and keep trying different methods until you achieve them. Even if to kick start your main focus is. ” the best revenge is success.”

As you move into a new much happier you, find a new Why? Whenever you stall to find a new way. Whenever you fail. All people fail at times, that ok just get up and go again and find a new approach.

Yes outside events hurt and that’s normal, you don’t have to accept the effects it has on the rest of your life. You now get to choose for you. Choose self-love, self-happiness. Choose living the best life you can for you, believe in yourself, repeatedly tell yourself you do deserve better, surround yourself with positive people who are on the same journey as you, do you can raise each other up in those low moments, give each other good advice and support, give each other ideas, and be pleased for each other and recognise when you do well, even if that starts with online friends.

You can and you will.