Choosing You.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

For anyone still in a relationship with a narcissist.

You know who they are, you know you want out, yet you keep getting drawn back in.

For anyone freshly out of a narcissist relationship, it will get easier and so much better.

For anyone who has been out for a while and the narcissist is still trying to manipulate, observe don’t absorb.

If it’s your boss, friend or parents, narcissistic abuse is draining you of all your good qualities and resources.

You’re not alone others have been there, questioning, searching, self-doubt, if your thinking you will get there in your own time when you’re ready, sometimes you just have to get the point when. YOU ARE SO SICK AND TIRED. OF BEING SO SICK AND TIRED. When you get that feeling, you’ll go, and life will become amazing again.

Or if you’ve left. You will let it go, and life will be amazing again.

When with a narcissist, you are either sick all the time, or you feel it, your body feels like rubbish, and you feel exhausted, your minds exhausted, you’re struggling to find energy from somewhere.

When you’ve recently left, you may still feel drained.

When you have children with them, and they are manipulating, you may still feel drained.

Sometimes you have to make it to that place in your life, where you’re just sick and tired, of being so sick and tired.

You might be feeling crazy with all that’s going on around you, and you’re not the crazy one.

Albert Einstein said: ” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

NO, you’re not insane, you have got a good heart and empathy that has tried countless ways to help them and save the relationship. We’ve all been there believing if you just keep giving more, if you just keep going, you can help them, relationships have ups and downs. Was it me? I’ll just give a bit more. One day you wake to think. No, this is going to be hard, but enough is enough, you can break free, You can change. You can leave, you can get different results for who want to be.

No your not insane because you’ve left and still have self-doubt.

No your not insane because you’re trying to work out, what manipulative stunt that ex narc has just played on you now.

The narcissist can not change. The narcissist is the one that spends their entire life, doing the same thing over and over.

It’s hard to change your mindset when you’re stuck in the situation, one way to help, is to get up one day and lose your routine. Just go out there and try something new, something different, without the narcissist. You may really need to physic yourself up to even leave the house but do it. When you take new actions, you get new results. ( not with a narcissist, you’ve probably already tried everything you can, they do not want to change who they are, as they believe the fault lies with everybody else.) when you get new results in life, it’ll create new perspectives, for you. Once you have those new perspectives, you start to create a new belief system. Those belief systems will create inner power for the further actions you will take. You start to experience new exciting things in your life. Then new exciting experiences come along.

Create a new vision of where you want your life to take you now, create new dreams for you, write down where you’d like to be in five years from now, picture yourself there, write down why then take action, small baby steps each and every day helps you achieve in the long run. You can, and you will.

If you find yourself thinking you can not take this anymore. Stop that thought and take a new action instead, try something new for you. Do something different for you. You can achieve anything you put your mind to.

If someone else can do it, so can you. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, learn from them adapt and grow from them. You’ve got this.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Observe don’t absorb.

https://youtu.be/5EsbeBy-8Mo

Video to help if you are feeling low after narcissistic abuse.

The Scapegoat and Golden Children Of A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

If the narcissist has more than one child, they will assign them roles. The scapegoat child and the golden child.

There are no hard and fast rules. Some narcissist will give them clear roles, and sometimes they can cross over to which gets the role on a day to day basis depending on which one is pleasing the narcissist at that moment. If a child speaks up against the narcissist, they’ll idolise the other child and make them the golden child the one that spoke up will become the scapegoat.

They will triangulate the children against each other without the children knowing, gaining emotions from the children, it’s just another way the narcissist manipulates those around them.

Narcissists will drive a wedge between anyone and everyone, including their own children. The children will often not know they’re been played off against each other. They’ll know there is conflict but will be confused as to why. As the narcissist never directly does things, it’s all calculated and manipulation. The narcissist just wants everyone around them against each other and all for them. its a case of Abuse by proxy.

The narcissist wants to divide and conquer those around them, the Golden child often fawns and does all they can to meet the narcissists’ demands, the scapegoat is usually the black sheep of the family that will speak their truth.

The narcissist will get the golden child to unwittingly become an enabler, through fear of what would happen if they didn’t do as the parents asked, and will often get the golden child to gang up with them against the scapegoat.

The narcissist will get the golden child to unwittingly help with the abuse towards the scapegoat child.

The narcissist will try and get the scapegoat and golden child to dislike each other. They will do all they can to drive a wedge.

The golden child will be pushed to perform and achieve, and when they don’t achieve to the narcissist standards, there will be ridicule, criticism and punishment. They use these same tactics also to push them to do what the narcissist wants them to do. The children loses their sense of self as they’re too busy trying to be what the parent wants them to be. The golden child gets treated so well when they achieve that they don’t always grow to see what’s happening, which is why limited contact for the golden child is best. This will be really had as the golden child will take longer to realise that it’s not true love the narcissist shows them. Having one parent that shows them true love will help them achieve the realisation sooner. The golden child aims to please as they don’t want the harsh words, silent treatment or punishment. They end up with no self-worth. The narcissist will say things like “How dare you to be proud you only got an A it should have been an A*”

The scapegoat is usually the rebel child that will not conform to the narcissist manipulation. The one who does what they please. They will get constant criticism over anything and everything, although they typically grow to achieve a better sense of self. Self-esteem, self-awareness and clarity. They will often call the narcissist out on what they’ve said or done/ not done. The scapegoat works it out first because they don’t get as many if any of the love bombings. The narcissist will say things like “ How can you be proud of your rubbish at everything you need to work harder.”

When the children have constant scrutiny, lack of privacy, been continuously played off against each other. Constantly been provoked. The narcissist was causing arguments that the children don’t even know what it was about and end up feeling confused. They unknowingly play into the narcissist’s hand as they’ll deflect onto the siblings because they’re hoping they’re not going to get all the harsh words themselves. That’s the whole game the narcissist is playing they just want everyone to please the narcissist.

It’s no better or worse if the child is the scapegoat or the golden child, they can both feel anxious. They both develop self-doubt from constant criticism. They are getting phycological pain. They don’t know from day to day if it’ll be good or bad. Both children can be going along having a great day, then all of a sudden boom the narcissist goes off on one for no reason giving them phycological confusion and pain, neither growing to form a true sense of self, either can go into fight mode and become a narcissist, or fawn mode and become a people pleaser.

Whatever the children do is never enough for the narcissist, often leading the children to grow never feeling enough from within, some overactive and stay busy be it the golden or scapegoat to try and prove they are enough, or the self-doubt can hold them back, leading to substance abuse, both can end up with anxiety, depression, CPTSD, and not knowing who to trust, feeling like they need someone to fill the empty childhood, not realising that they are enough.

The narcissist will pit everyone against each other. The overt narcissist will say to children “ Why can you not be more like them, they’re so much better than you” the Covert will do it in more subtle ways. ” Look at how good they are.” Or ” Don’t you wish you were more like them?” The goal for the narcissist is divide and conquer, divide everyone around them, so everyone looks up to them. They’ll create problems out of know where then have their own solutions which is what they wanted in the first place. They don’t want people to unite as then they’ll know that they are and a narcissist can not stand exposure.

They will go to any lengths to keep the divide going. They will happily set people up without them, even knowing.

If you have children with a narcissist, the sibling can get through this together. With one positive parent, they will learn what is positive people and what is negative, they will learn with your help to unit against the narcissist from a young age. As you’ll be telling them to be kind to each other and look out for each other. They will see it for what it is in their own time so stay strong. If you have one child, surrounding them with the kinds of people that care for others, teaching them all about boundaries, self-care, that they are allowed mistakes it’s how they learn, teaching them empathy, yet they can decide how they do and do not want to be treated, when to say yes and when to say no.

For adults, get positive affirmations around you, look at achievements you have made within your life, when self-doubts about kick it back out, you are not what others think of you, you are what you think of you, work on reprogramming that mindset to work for you and never against you. Learning to talk to yourself kindly, laugh about any errors you make, then going again, we are all imperfectly perfect.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

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Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Healing insecurities.

Self-esteem.

https://youtu.be/EkOyDjEFTOo

Scapegoat child.

Can You Make It Work With A Narcissist?

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Reasons why a relationship can never work with a narcissist. Now not all people that are negative have the disorder, and some relationships do just need work and give and take, some people do just make mistakes, for you to give someone a second chance, you both need to grow and change things to adapt and work it through together.

With a narcissist this can simply never happen, as they will never change for anybody, they simply have no empathy for others, and they are proud of who they are, they do not believe they need to change as nothing is ever their fault.

Here are some reasons why the narcissist will never change and why you are so drawn to go back and try again, this is why you need to learn as much as you can about them, so you walk away and stay away.

Nothing about that idolisation stage, in the beginning, is real. The period of love bombing where you are so drawn into them. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is the love-bombing period, and it will be an intense one, you’ve never know anything so intense before. The idolisation stage is such a fantastic time, you feel like life is just perfect, and nothing could get any better, you happily do everything together, you like all the same things, have all the same interests, you believe they are the one, and they will tell you, that you are their soul mate, how they’ve never met anyone like you. You may say to them the same as you genuinely believe you have met the one. You think you’ve met your perfect match and you never want it to end. You can not remember what life was like before you met them, you do everything together.

None of this is real, you have simply been mirrored. In every single way, and you have been looking into a mirror. That person you think is the one, is not real. They just said and did exactly everything you wanted to hear and see. They are simply a con artist, fake people, liars and cheats.

After the idolisation stage, once you are drawn in enough to them. Nothing you do from now on will be good enough. You will up your efforts as they will make you believe it is all your fault, you try your best to hold it together and can not work out. what is happening.

The impossible task, You try and try and try to please them, giving more and more of yourself. All while losing more of your true self. You try your best to salvage what the relationship once was. Changing yourself to who they want you to be. While they stay the same person, they’ve turned into in-front of you. Their true selves, because of the idolisation stage you don’t believe it. You think it’s you. They will offer glimpses of what was, only if they fear they are losing their power of controlling you. Just to draw you back in. You do all this just to try and get that person back that you love so much not realising that person never actually existed in the first place, that was all the start of their manipulation and lies. Yet you still don’t believe it or see them for their authentic selves as they are so good at what they do and how they do it. Every time you think you’ve fixed it, they will raise the bar. The more you give, the more they will take, what worked last week last month will no longer work. Whatever you do and every effort you put in to make it work will not, yet because of that golden period and their manipulation possibly saying things like “ it takes two to make a relationship work” Or “ if only you were more like this” so you don’t give up. You have empathy, and you care to want and to will it to work.

Nothing can stop the game they are playing. No amount of genuine tears from your heartbroken self will work. They will give you the silent treatment, wanting you to chase them, wanting you to feel guilty, so you try to work out what you did wrong. Yet a couple of days later they are all smiles again, and you’re left wondering what you did and what just happened. They may tell you, but it’ll not be the truth. You may have cooked their favourite meal, anything to apologise for something you don’t know what you actually did.

Ever had that moment that you didn’t make that meal right, so it was chucked across the room, or thrown at you, and it’s your fault, so you try harder next time.

You may learn the rules to stay onside. Often walking on eggshells around them. With a narcissist they simply have no rules, they will continuously change their game.

All is done instinctively by them, some may not know it’s just instinct, others will know, and yes it’s instinct, but it’s also calculated.

Everything revolves around them and what they need. Drawing any emotions they can from you. Days out will be put back to another day. Events delayed. Anniversaries are forgotten birthdays, mother’s days, Father’s Days will be ruined. To get a reaction from you because it’s not all about them. Jobs, you, children are just an extension of themselves all are to be left to one side and only used to their advantage. The only thing that truly matters to a narcissist is themselves and any emotion they can get from those around them. They will do anything to get a reaction from you. From making you laugh to chatting up your best friend. They will stop at nothing.

Nothing will ever change.

Those who do not know what they are, but they know you are the enemy, you’re trying to control them. When they simply do not need to change. You are the one at fault you need to change. In their minds, they’ve done no wrong. You caused them to behave the way they have to you.

Those who know what they are do not need to change. They believe they are more powerful than you and they are better than you, they do not need to change because what they do works for them.

No matter how many times they come back with the idolisation you want and love so much. This person simply didn’t exist, as soon as they have, you hooked again. Their true selves will come back out.

The idolisation and manipulation are designed, so you are hooked because you’re a good person you want to help, you want to make it work this time. They know this, and that’s why they come back. No contact or minimal contact when children are involved is the only way to go, and this cuts them profound as they believe if they want you. They are entitled to have you. If what they are doing to you or your children is getting a reaction, they will keep on doing so. If it’s not, they will up their game. The lesser will move onto an easier target sooner than a greater would. They will still try again, hoping you’ve forgotten the bad and remember the good. Counteract any effects it had on your children, grey rock for you and your children, limited contact. Get help for your children, child phycologist and help for you if needed. Stay strong, and you can break free. You can help your children grow and thrive.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

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Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

A Narcissists Fears.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

We are human, so we all have our fears, including those with the disorder a narcissist is afraid of a few things. The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so it varies from each one how severe their fears are. Narcissists will project their fears onto you, and often after any form of a relationship with one, you can end up fearing these things, there is a big difference, often they have gone into fight survival mode and seek to destroy people, blaming all others, whereas you most like have gone into freeze or fawn and want to help others.

A narcissists anger and rage are often driven by fear of being exposed, they feel threatened, your anger towards a narcissistic is often through being provoked and put down by them.

Fears of a narcissist.

When they get laughed at.

They can not stand it when people make fun of them, when people laugh at them they take it as criticism, they may laugh at others for tripping over as they have no empathy for others, they enjoy the discomfort others feel as they view people as objects. They can not handle others laughing at them, as they believe they are perfect and above all others. They hate criticism, with their double standards, they’ll happily criticise you, they will laugh at you, they will put you down, make you doubt your self and your abilities, yet even if you try giving them constructive criticism, or they just perceived something you said or did as criticism, they can not stand it. People don’t like being criticised, where good people might look internally, and question themselves, or learn to recognise how it says more about the person putting them down than it ever says about themselves and yes it can hurt, whereas a narcissist will see this as the other person must be punished, this can cause that push-pull within the relationship, and get people questioning if they are the narcissist, if you’re asking that, no your not, also as negativity breeds negativity, we can pick up toxic traits off toxic people to try and protect ourselves against them, often then isolating ourselves from good people.

Abandonment and rejection.

Their fear of abandonment is why if they haven’t got someone lined up as your replacement, they will threaten, manipulate and fly into rages if you question the relationship. They will love bomb you, as they can think you’re rejecting the false self they’ve spent so much time putting together. Their false sense cannot survive on its own, and it is actually dependent on using other people. They will fight not to be alone because they can not stand to be around their own emptiness, they will try to destroy just to feel better within themselves.

Insecurities can cause most people to fear abandonment or being alone, self-doubt and lack of confidence can also make people fear rejection, where good people might hold onto someone who is bad for them for fear of loneliness, a narcissist holds on so they can be the one to reject and abandon the person, a narcissist will hold on just long enough until they can discard at the worst possible moment and move straight on.

They are extremely sensitive, but that sensitivity is only for themselves to feel and see about themselves, they are not sensitive, understanding or empathetic to other people’s needs of feelings only ever their own.

Ignored.

They can not stand being ignored. This is why they usually have back up people around. So they can get what they need from others. While trying to destroy you because you disrespected them by ignoring them, they would rather be hated than ignored.

Where most healthy people don’t want to be ignored or ignore others, why going no contact can leave you with feelings of guilt, as we want to be liked, be able to communicate and compromise with others, want to end any conflict and any pain. Whereas a narcissist often lacks in object consistency, so if they perceive that someone has criticised them in any way, they will not care for that person and go for the silent treatment, yet as they feel entitled and superior, as they require attention from others if someone falls silent and ignores the narcissist, this angers a narcissist deeply, and they will often up theirs games to get negative attention.

Being wrong.

No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do. They believe that they are above all others and that they are right, if they are wrong they will rewrite history within their minds to escape accountability, blame shift any responsibility, as they perceive themselves to be perfect nothing is their fault, it’s always someone else’s, they will lie after lie to protect their lies which often slowly become their truths.

Being exposed. We are all imperfectly perfect, we all make mistakes, we all make errors in judgment, we all learn, and we all grow, we all have a flaws, it makes us who we are, no baby just talks perfectly from day one, and even when we learn to speak, we all communicate differently we are individuals. Most people encourage and support each other. However, a narcissist will find all your strengths and weaknesses and put you down over each and everyone to make themselves feel better, they need to be seen as perfect to others, and one way for them to do this is instiling so much fear and self-doubt in those around them, smear the names of those once close to them, so they can be the hero who tried to save the day, the victim who needs support, they will never be wrong, and they will never be the villain.

Disrespected.

Most people don’t like being disrespected, yet with a narcissist, you don’t even have to disrespect them for them to take it as criticism, all you need is a difference of opinion, and they can fly off the handle, as they believe they are better than you, they are in charge, and no one should think differently to them.

Growing old and death. They have a deep fear of the loss of youth, and somatic narcissist fears this the most.

They fear death, they all fear death as this is the complete loss of the narcissist self.

Most of these fears boil down to their false self and a deep fear of exposure. To avoid this, they use gaslighting, manipulation, lies and violence, they do not want to be held accountable for their own actions. They love to project their own imperfections onto you.

They make it so you live in a world of smoke and mirrors and you no longer know what is real and what isn’t, being around a narcissist can cause cognitive dissonance within your mind, leaving you feeling like you are going crazy.

Step away from their games and no longer play, learn what they are, what they do, and see that they enjoy provoking reactions from you, lower your expectations of those who have none, yet keep your standards high of behaviour you will and will not accept. Everything has an opposite, happy/sad, Up/down, left/right. Good and bad, it’s ok to see the good in everybody, it’s ok to see the bad in people, yet don’t overlook the bad in those who repeatedly let you down, hurt you, blame you, discredit your feelings and keep showing you they do not care. Instead, focus on you and who you want to be, you’re allowed emotions, you’re permitted good moments and bad moments, you’re allowed to process each one, you’re allowed to be you, look at what you do want from life, then take action to achieve it for you.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com