The Scapegoat Child Of A Narcissistic Parent.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The narcissists Scapegoat, what it is, what happens to you, ways to recover.

The narcissist has two faces and everything and everyone to them is black and white, the admiration face, so those who shower them with attention and do as they want they see as good and will idolise, which makes the people do more and more for the narcissist believing the narcissist to be genuine, yet as narcissistic people are stuck in their ways and incredibly hard to please so even the golden child or golden person can be devalued and discarded, the envy and jealous face, means that those who have their own mind, the child who goes against the narcissist are often devalued throughout their lives, as the narcissist sees people who don’t do as they say as bad people, those who they can not trust, so they must do their best to scapegoat them and put them down to remain in control. At times the narcissist can idolise the scapegoat when they view the scapegoat as pleasing the narcissist.

The definition of the scapegoat child is someone who is assigned to take all the blame, to be the reason behind any family fallouts, anything that’s not going how the narcissist wants, it can happen to anyone within the family unit, or even a work environment when the boss will make one person to blame for any and all mistakes, even mistakes that have not happened. Within the dynamics of the family, friends or work the narcissist will try their absolute best to gather an army of enablers, the flying monkeys, to join in the narcissist’s games and cause more cognitive dissonance to the scapegoat.

Scapegoats are usually,

Empathetic,

Justice seekers,

Strong-willed,

Emotional reactive,

Self-blames and internalise blame,

Protective of others.

Enablers are people who get sucked into the narcissists lies, and most people have been an enabler without realising at some point. Either by not questioning the narcissists actions, not standing up to the narcissists poor treatment of others often through fear, helping to hide the destruction the narcissist has caused, or cleaning up after them, either because they believe the narcissists lies, which is a very easy thing to do when they are treating you so right and you have no knowledge or visual evidence of their bad behaviour at that point, or through fear, once you do wake up to see, yet as the narcissist threatens in so many subtle and obvious ways, the enablers become trapped, often with those around them not understanding why the enablers or scapegoats feel so out of sought. Or the enablers act as an apologist or make excuses up for the narcissists poor treatment of others, usually as the narcissist will have played the victim to the enablers so again the enablers believing the narcissist lies want to help and defend the narcissist.

Flying monkeys is a term that comes from the wizard of oz, or abuse by proxy, flying monkeys are people who have usually been manipulated by the narcissists tactics, into believing the narcissist lies and then unwittingly help the narcissist punish the real victim, believing they are helping a genuine person, when in reality they are causing further harm to the person who actually needs help and support. Flying monkeys can be the narcissists friends, family or work colleagues, they can also be the victims friends family or work colleagues that the narcissist manipulates onto their side, the narcissist can also bring authority’s onto their side to further abuse to the victim, many a narcissist will drag a victim through the court systems, if they can.

The narcissist uses enablers/ flying monkeys, to spread gossip, bully, intimidate and harass, unfortunately, most enablers / flying monkeys don’t understand until they themselves end up on the wrong side of the narcissist.

This can be devastating for vulnerable young children who are the scapegoat child, as well as adults. Not only are their minds living in inner conflict, turmoil, distress, But Self-worth is also often shattered, with never-ending games and blame from the narcissist and the narcissist’s party of enablers. Young children can have their other parent, siblings and other family members turned against them. In friendship groups, you can become singled out and eventually left out and at work, you can have all your colleagues turn against you. Left to question your own self-worth and full of dread to speak out for who you truly are.

This causes cognitive dissonance, as the scapegoat can feel clearly that they don’t feel good around the narcissist, how others are attacking them, yet as they’ve usually done no wrong it confuses reality, with the narcissist seemingly treating all others so well, the scapegoat is usually left further confused believing it to be them. As everyone is treating them so horribly. Whilst everyone else is treating all others so well. The scapegoat is usually the one who knows something isn’t right. Knows their own mind, will not conform and is happier with their own opinions, why the narcissist must take them down, fear they’ll expose the narcissist, fear they’ll do better than the narcissist, yet because the scapegoat’s spirit is crushed so much. It’s often hard for them to break free. Most child scapegoats do flee the family home early on if they can. (Not all.) some become the black sheep and the disobedient one, that seems to go off the rails, trying to heal inner pain and inner shame, that they themselves don’t understand, they can become people-pleasers, through years of abuse and trying to be liked, or go the opposite and become extremely independent on their own minds, as they’ve learned through the years that only themselves will look out for themselves and that they can not trust others, even when others mean well. Without healing, they are left questioning those around them. Some become cold and distant.

When one of both parents have narcissistic traits, the scapegoat usually has some form of instinct, yet not sure what, I’ve spoken to a few who even though it was only emotionally abused, often remember thinking negative thoughts about abuse as they grew, without being able to connect them, they just knew something wasn’t right, yet as a child that’s all they know so can not understand themselves. A young child can not see/understand/ or know, most adults don’t until they learn about NPD. Young children might sense they are not loved or feel violated in some way, yet often blame themselves, as they get all the blame from those around them, especially the parents.

As scapegoats are blamed for everything they feel as though they are not good enough and can not do anything correctly, and usually internalise the blame and look for what they did wrong, often they end up believing they are a bad person.

They get all the verbal abuse, from “that’s not good enough.” To “you’re lazy, you’ll never be able to do that.” This can drive some scapegoats to be highly successful when older to prove them wrong, it can also drive them to invalidate themselves and not feel good enough. Leading them into abusive relationships and accepting learned behaviour from their parents as normal from others that they should have never accepted, as it’s all they’ve ever know.

When scapegoats speak the truth, they often get invalidated and ignored by the narcissist and their enablers, this can be soul-crushing feeling like you have no one to turn to for support or clarification of your own mind.

The narcissist tries to isolate the scapegoat, often with mass smear campaigns, and triangulation, turning loved ones, friends, family members, work colleagues against them, or causing so much doubt in the scapegoat’s mind, the scapegoat might self isolate not knowing who to trust.

Scapegoats charter is assassinated, not only internally from the mental torture from the narcissist, yet also externally and the narcissist slanders the scapegoat to all those who will listen.

Scapegoats are never rewarded for good behaviour and often get dismissed, or told by the narcissist that they only achieved because of something the narcissist did, accomplishments are most often, ignored, Belittled or dismissed. Whilst any mistakes are heightened and used against you.

Scapegoats are sabotaged at every turn by the narcissist, anything that the scapegoat is passionate about they repeatedly get told that “you’re not smart enough.” Or “you’re incapable.” Constantly being undermined and invalidated in order to kill off any drive or determination and you begin to doubt your own abilities, the more you try to prove the narcissist wrong and you are capable, the more they’ll put pressure on you to do other things like household chores accusing you of being “lazy.” Whilst they sit doing nothing, to sabotage your time so you can not work on the things you love.

Narcissistic parents will triangulate siblings, if they have more than one child they will make one a golden child, scapegoat child, even the invisible child, they will spin stories, tell half-truths, lie and cause mayhem within the family unit.

If you escape their grasp, they will often try to manipulate you back in, especially if you do well for yourself, the pity plays and guilt-trips will come at full force for you to support your elderly parents, they often play on those extremely rare times they did something for you, even if it was only to meet a need of their own.

Scapegoat children often grow to suffer from addictions, CPTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression due to the psychological abuse, often forever chasing the highs to recover from their low self-worth caused by the narcissist’s abuse. As the scars aren’t visible other people tend to dismiss them, often ending up in that push-pull relationship as they want to please people yet can not fully trust in others, or even know how to be loved correctly, so recreating the only love they’ve ever truly known, most often misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder, if they seek help or support when in reality they are just suffering from CPTSD due to the long term abuse.

As the abuse is highly addictive, the dopamine released for those highs and the cortisol from the stress of the lows means our body’s become addicted, often than searching through life to fulfil that addiction in other ways.

We learn to talk to ourselves negatively as that’s all we heard growing up, we try to control other areas in our lives, including our weight, so going on extreme diets to achieve rapid weight loss, to then gain it all back. OCD can develop in any area of life in order to keep control over anything they can, certainty is another human need, and when life is so full of uncertainty, which is another human need, yet because the balance is lost, they crave to make thing certain with OCD, as they are so used to the uncertainty from others, they also tend to crave to re-create this too.

As the many scars left by narcissistic people are mostly invisible, as the scapegoat is burdened by projection and blame-shifting of the sins of the narcissist, often driven away to be pulled back in. people around them often don’t truly understand what’s happened to them. Most often, family, friends, or work colleagues have been turned against them, if its friendships you can walk away, not easy if you’ve known them years, and create new friendships with positive people who raise you and not sink you, if it’s work, looking for new jobs, again not always easy depending on the type of narcissist you are dealing with, as some will go to the extreme of trying to ruin your chances of getting new jobs elsewhere, threaten family, they will go all out to sabotage you moving on. Family is extremely tough as most can be under the narcissist’s spell, and most often you’ve been labelled as the bad one.

Trying to explain with those who haven’t lived it, can be difficult, as good people will try to understand you, yet as they haven’t experienced it are not fully sure, if there was only emotional abuse it’s hard to explain that your childhood was difficult, especially if the narcissist puts a grand show onto the outside world, whilst in the home it’s completely different, so you have people telling you just how amazing the narcissist is, all you can really do is let them know, your childhood wasn’t the picture everyone saw, it was full of emotional abuse, till the point you never felt good enough within yourself, also some people are actually living it also and they are not ready to admit to themselves what’s happening as the narcissist plays nicely to pull them back in. Trying to explain that your childhood was damaging people don’t always get, explaining that, you were manipulated throughout your childhood hood, to have scars that even you couldn’t even see, ask them to look up gaslighting and see if they understand more, or simply let them know. Explaining things like, throughout childhood you were told 2+2= 10 not in a mathematical way, yet through conflicting thoughts that you couldn’t do stuff, and you were not good enough and not always indirect ways, which is a very confusing place to live, or “my childhood was like walking through a minefield trying not to do anything to put me on the wrong side of my parent, and even when I did right I was still wrong, it was a very confusing childhood.”

Or ” I was taught from a very early age to blame myself for everything, when things went wrong it was always my fault, when things went right it was a fluke of luck, if someone liked me, praised me or complimented me I doubted it, I was always doubting myself and my own abilities, If I achieved it was always down to someone else and never down to me, unable to accept credit from myself or from those around me, if something went wrong I knew it was my fault because I was told over and over how stupid, useless, lazy and could never do anything right. So even when doing I felt lazy, even when getting things right I felt like I was doing something wrong, So I slowly learned the harsh word said and actions are done by others towards me that it must be true about me, because I was flawed, and it takes a lot of time and work to shift those voices back out.”

Also, remember those good people will do their best to listen and understand, you don’t need to explain to those not interested. Once we open up to our own vulnerabilities and insecurities, accept ourselves for who we are and heal them, it’s easier to open up to others, it’s easier to explain to others and good people will connect with you, or at least try to understand your point of view. Remember you only have to tell people what you are comfortable with telling, things like I had a difficult childhood, behind closed doors, and scars I have to heal. That friend wasn’t a true friend, I couldn’t work with that boss, so had to get a new job.

If the narcissist is smearing your name, step out of the picture and leave them to it, the gossip fades so much faster when you’re not reacting to anyone, I understand this is difficult when they are coming at you from all angles with so many soul-destroying games, it’s our instincts to want to defend ourselves, the best defensive with these kinds of people is simply not to play, not giving them any of your time or energy, focusing on you and your new life. It is hard when living in fear, the more you call the authorities if needed, the more you step away from the games, the easier it becomes, trying to explain to authorities that don’t seem to understand can be hard, just stick with you’re in fear of your life and safety, when you start going around in circles trying to explain, just explain you’re in fear of your life and safety and you want the authorities to help.

Seeking help with those who haven’t lived it, most can not pinpoint what’s wrong or what you need help with. Finding those who understand how you feel, and validated the things you’ve been through, helps give more clarity, that your not alone, good people to care for you, and how you feel is normal.

Then we are left with the negative talk that the narcissist has repeated time and time again, because we are so used to being spoken to in that way, most often we begin to talk to ourselves in that way, bringing ourselves down, they negative talk is played on repeat within our minds, often bringing ourselves down and sabotaging our own success, as hurtful as the narcissist is and as damaging as they are, sometimes it’s due to them being the scapegoat or victim of narcissistic abuse, and it all they know, a survival instinct that kicked In as a young child and stayed through excessive psychological abuse, the only real way to stop this going from family generation to generation is to stop it within you, remember it did not start with you, and if it’s your parent, partner, boss, friend that narcissist will not end with you, however, you can end it for you.

Learning how to recreate your inner voice to how you’d like people to speak to you, and how you should speak to yourself, if you’re a people pleaser, a hurt person who tries to help people, speaking to yourself how you choose to speak to others and lift them up.

Writing out any damaging negative thoughts someone else placed into you’re mind, who it was, and why they did it, so you have that visual, then writing the truth, as only you define you. You have strength, power and endurance within you, you are special and you are kind. You can and you will recover from this.

Everyone has the greatness within themselves to push through the hard times and reach the good times, everyone has the power and abilities within themselves to heal and recover. When we use our greatest pain, to push us through to our greatest gains, survivors of narcissistic abuse are all capable of empathy, they are all capable of self-reflection, all capable of growth, all capable of perspectives, and all capable of stepping out of that darkness and to go and shine bright as ourselves.

Signs your parent is a narcissist.

The online course to help overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Why You Must Stop Explaining Yourself To The Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Most of us fall into the trap of trying to explain our thoughts, feelings and opinions to the narcissist only to be left, confused angry and irritated.

Narcissistic people have a great ability to draw people into arguments and this then leaves us confused, feeling bad, angry, full of resentment or feeling guilty.

One of the human needs is love and connection and significance, we want to connect with others, be loved by others, care for and be cared about by others, we want to understand others and be understood by others, form opinions, find a compromise and get along with people. We don’t all think and feel the same, we don’t all hear what’s being said in the way it’s meant at times. It is healthy to see another perspective and reach a compromise.

The narcissist doesn’t connect with others on the same level, they can not relate to others on the same level.

We find ourselves trying to use reason and logic to find a compromise with most people throughout our life. explaining is a normal human response. Normal people will listen to you and try to understand. It’s exhausting explaining yourself to a narcissist. They will just get you into an argument and you’re left feeling worse. You would be far better of explaining yourself to a brick wall.

You do not need to explain yourself to those unable or unwilling to listen, to those who want to bring you down to their level, you are a good person, so long as you know your intentions are good, people with good intentions will listen to your explanations, narcissists will use them to try and bring you down.

They are not looking to understand or reach a compromise.

If they act in Anger towards you, they feel anger at themselves

If they act in Jealously towards you, they are either feeling jealous or they are doing to you what they are saying you are doing to them.

If they are saying you’re insecure it’s because of something they have done to you, listen to your instincts not the words of hurtful people.

If they are playing victim it’s because they want attention.

They only have and some don’t even have cognitive empathy so they can not put themselves in your shoes to see how you’re feeling, only how you are making them feel, or what you are saying or doing that they could then use against you to further their advantage, to gain dominance and control over you.

Anything you do say, they will use as evidence against you.

They need to remain in control of all others to remain in control of themselves and their lives when they lose control of others minds, they throw massive tantrums, silent treatments, projection, gaslighting, blame-shifting and rage to try and regain control of others. As the genuine feel better than others and a need to remain in control, they just want to stay in control so they will be stubborn, give ultimatums, they only think their way and they want to win no matter what.

They are lacking in cognitive reflection, so they can not Self reflect on something they might have, said, done to cause issues, they can only view the world as causing issues to them.

Nothing you can do or say, will change their minds or opinions, they are locked into their way of thinking, they simply can not hear what you are saying, can not take advice on board, they just see it as you insulting their intelligence, they then take this as criticism and act out as they feel judged, they want revenge on you for how they perceive things and how they believe others to make them feel, they don’t understand that they are the ones hurting people, only that others must be punished for the inner pain they feel.

They can not accept the truth, even when faced with fact and evidence, if it means they’ll lose control, or lose their reality, they will manipulate in many ways to deny and blame-shift.

Narcissists do not hear you and it’s nothing to do with you, your motives are your motives and they are not interested in what they are, they only care about what they care about, which is themselves, and you can explain till your blue in the face and hitting a brick wall and they’ll just not listen, when you’re trying to explain things to them, that they don’t agree with, they will take you off-topic, blame- shift, Provoke, rage leaving you feeling frustrated.

When we are not sure of who we are, when people tell you things about ourselves that touch insecurities that we don’t feel good enough, it hurts, just like it hurts them, when people put us down, we can feel judged and upset, the best and most kind Hearted people can act out in anger, when their buttons get pushed enough, afterwards they will feel guilt and remorse, learn from the mistakes and try not to do it again, if it’s your limiting belief and as you try to show others who you are and they invalidate your feelings it hurts and it hurts hard, when we try our best to people please and help others often destroying ourselves. Narcissistic people do not feel that guilt and remorse for their actions, they just feel deep inner shame and hurt people to make themselves feel better as they blame others instead of learning from their own mistakes. They never look towards themselves they always look to others to find fault.

All people have insecurities, all people have vulnerabilities, most people try to fit in, most people try to fill their own human needs, and most of us than sound extremely narcissistic, we all have narcissism within us, therefore when around narcissistic people, this can bring our narcissistic side out, also causing cognitive dissonance within ourselves as our beliefs to we are a good-hearted person don’t match our realities, then when we get caught up in arguments with them, it doesn’t match who we are, with the help of their manipulative tactics it takes us further down.

There is a difference between, hurt people who hurt people, insecure people who don’t know who they are that go around destroying others, and hurt people who help people, insecure people who don’t know who they are, who then go around trying to help others feel better within themselves so they don’t feel the same pain.

So where you try and try and try to help others feel better, narcissistic people try to make others feel worse.

Learning to accept and love your insecurities, learning who you are, what makes you happy, your boundaries, creating that inner confidence, you will learn to help and support the right people and walk away from the wrong people.

Narcissists will cause arguments simply because they want to, no rhyme or reason.

Narcissists don’t want to be blamed for any problems so they must make others at fault for everything that is wrong within their life.

A narcissist is some of the most miserable people alive and they drain the energy and happiness out of those around them.

It never matters what you say or how you say it. They are not going to understand or listen to you, as their brains don’t work like ours.

You don’t need to explain yourself to the narcissist or convince them who you are, what your intentions are, we go around trying several ways to explain in a different way, or when they are in a better mood. We try serval ways and approach’s to get them to understand us, and they simply do not want to, if your opinions, beliefs, thoughts do not match theirs, they are not interested. Most of them know you’re a good person, they most likely just wish they were better than you. They put you down and make you out to be a bad person to make themselves feel better as a person, as they are projecting who they are onto you. They are full of anger and resentment and project onto others.

Narcissistic people hate the fact that others do well for themselves, they are jealous and envious of confident happy people.

They accuse you of being crazy, being an idiot, not remembering things, as they feel inner shame, they want you to feel shame.

It’s not your responsibility to explain to people who just don’t understand it, you don’t have to explain it’s wrong for them to disappear on you, why it’s wrong for them to cheat on you, as they will keep doing it to you, you have to learn your boundaries of behaviour you will not accept, and walk away. It’s not your responsibility to explain to your parents why you do or do not want to do something, if they are telling you that you can not, making you feel guilty, leave your parents, partner, ex’s, friends to it, that is their opinion and that is for them to keep they are entitled, it’s not up to you to change anyone other than yourself, you can not change people, you can only help people and if they are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for their own life’s, mistakes, errors in judgment, it’s not up to you to make them see sense, it’s up to know they are entitled to that opinion, and you are entitled to walk away and not let it define who you are.

When you get drawn into their games and arguments they feed off it, winning the discussion isn’t your end goal, that is theirs, remaining true to yourself is all you need. You try to get them to have a better opinion of you and it’ll never happen as they are not interested in who you are, they are only interested in their way.

Keeping true to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, believing in yourself and who you are, if you have to communicate with them.

Retreat rethink and respond if you feel you’re getting nowhere fast or starting to feel anger.

All you need to say is things like.

”I’m sorry you feel that way.”

” you’re entitled to your opinion.”

In a calm voice, as straight as you can and don’t get defensive. It’s not up to you to force someone else to understand you, so if they don’t agree, there is no need to keep going, if you want to explain, explain once and leave it.

If it’s your parents saying you’re incapable of doing something, don’t explain why or how you can, just go and show them you can, prove them wrong with your actions and not your words.

Remember it’s not about winning, it’s about remaining true to who you are if they are not willing to compromise, leave them to it, managing your emotional state around them.

Knowing they just don’t understand on your level.

Best is saying nothing, leaving them to live their life, and you go live yours.

Hold your ground and don’t give in, it’s not worth it, narcissists will up their games when people don’t react as that’s what they want.

Learning who you are, your worth your value is only ever dependent on you and who you are. You define you.

Online course to help you overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Ways to handle yourself around a narcissist video.

Help Surviving Narcissistic Abuse.

Hello, welcome and about me.

I’m Liz, and I’m a single mother to five amazing boys, three with the ex-husband and two with the ex narcissist.

When I hit rock bottom with three young children and a toxic husband I had to leave the family home with the three young children and start over, slowly building myself back up for a brighter future, after five years alone I decided it was time to start dating again which is when I met the ex narcissist.

To begin with, life was incredible, he swept me off my feet, matched all my likes and dislikes and seemed perfect in every way, I knew something was wrong yet the reality I was living I couldn’t work out what, he started to stop over, and without discussion, he’d moved in. it wasn’t until I was pregnant with our first child that cracks started to appear, he would upset me to the point I’d cry inconsolably, he just sat and watched me cry with a glint in his eye and for a moment a smirk on his face, yet still I stayed to help him destroy me. He had a crazy ex and the things his son was talking to me about wasn’t matching the things the narcissist was saying, he had a string of crazy ex’s, doubts crept in, yet the narcissist was telling me I was insecure, I was crazy, I was sensitive, that never happened, after having our firstborn telling me I was depressed and should sign the house over to him. Things would go missing from the home, to which he blamed his eldest child, divide and conquer, triangulation so that his son could not give me any more information.

When faced with facts and evidence of things he’d done, he would deny, shout, rage, project and blame shift it all onto me, leaving me doubting myself and reality and afraid to speak up about anything to anyone.

All special occasions ruined, from Christmas to birthdays, holidays to days out. Silent treatments and me then begging and pleading finding ways to make up for things I hadn’t even known I’d done, walking on eggshells, fearing saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, no longer seeing friends and family as I’d been isolated from most support, feeling confused, crazy and drained, illness after illness hit, I managed to break it off several times after several affairs, only to listen to all his false apology’s how it was my fault he’d cheated if only I’d done this, that and the other he would have been loyal, he wanted my help to help him change, little did I know by me helping him I was slowly destroying myself.

Been told I’m worth nothing, I’ll never be anything, I’ll never do anything, I’m not lovable, I’ll never find anyone else, I’ll never be happy and I’m crazy, slowly believing those toxic words and allowing them to take control of my own mind.

Until finally I had the courage to break free, only for him to move in across the road, nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.

Still not knowing what I was dealing with after a hideous few months trying to co-parent and me making excuses for his lack in seeing the children, his behaviour changed and he was regularly seeing the children, then he left the lady across the road and wanted to come back, yet I had a taste of freedom, so he moved in with his mother and spent eighteen months love bombing, until the lady across the road had his child. This again was my fault for not taking him back, to fix this he wanted to get married and have another child, I finally stood my ground and said no, this is when all hell broke loose as the narcissist had finally lost control of my mind, threats where made, non molestation orders gotten, custody battles police calls, oh and within a week of wanting to get married he was living back across the road, which in fact is a breach of the order, yet whilst me and the children are ok, this has no impact on us,

The dreams I had, all the plans I’d made, had been crushed one by one throughout my relationship, until I was left alone, confused and no longer knowing who I was, an empty shell of my former self. The reality of what life was supposed to be far different from the reality of what I was now living.

This was me in the relationship, drained, lost, confused, full of pain and conflict.

If this is you now, living that kind of life, feeling alone, on edge and confused, there is another way, there is happiness right around the corner.

I am now free and happier than ever, this is now me creating and living the life of my dreams toxic-free.

I’ve been researching the narcissistic personality disorder for a few years now, and it’s become a great passion of mine to help others break free and create a whole new life for themselves, I have a YouTube channel full of information, a blog with information, closed groups for people to help and support each other, an online course and a 1-2-1 coaching program available.

The online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview

If you would like any more information about any of the services I offer please email, or message the page.

https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

This is me and the amazing life coach Ben Edwards that helped me turn my life completely around, through my younger sons anxiety, setting up my new businesses, communication with the ex, and the horrific court system. The link if you’d like his help.

https://m.facebook.com/coachbenedwards/

This is me now me and my children. I’ve finally broken free, all the dreams I had, all the plans I’d made, living free, living happy, and achieving the goals I created.

This could be you too. If you are feeling lost and stuck, like the world is against you and you just can not break the pattern. I’d love to help you break the pattern and achieve the life of happiness you deserve for you, joy and laughter and create those dreams you have for yourself, or find and create new dreams, whatever they might be into a reality, the possibilities are endless.

The Female Vunrable Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

I do try to stick with the narcissist as both male or females can have NPD this is more about the female narcissist.

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.

2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.

3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.

4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.

5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.

6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.

7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.

8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.

Male and female narcissists.

The female lacks empathy and manipulates just like the male narcissist.

Deep down all Narcissist has an extremely possibly even no sense of self, very jealous people, they have very fragile egos and are insecure, so they have to mask all of this, by playing victim or being grandiose, covert or overt narcissist, It’s all an act to cover up how damaged they truly are and how envious they are, it’s all a defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with you.

Male and female will use, manipulation, and gaslighting, they’ll be charming, they’ll be your soulmate,

The female will use her sexuality to pull you in, they’ll rush intimacy and want to make you feel like a man. To make you feel like a man they use their sexuality to hook you in.

Whereas men tend to use all the romance, and sweeping you off your feet, all of the things women want to hear, so they use emotions to hook you in.

Both male and female will be obsessed with achievements, status and money, they both want to be successful, male or female it’s never enough, they always want more to try and fill a void they never can.

Both male and female like to spend money theirs or not, not all but most female narcissist want to hook up with someone who has money, some male ones do also.

Females want to brag and flaunt, everything they’re getting from the male.

Both male and female narcissist wants to be the centre of attention, due to needing to feel validated and cover up their low self-esteem.

Both males and females believe they are better than everyone else and people will look up to them and be envious of them.

Just showing superficial and false things, to cover their inner feelings. It’s all false.

With a female narcissist they are bitchy, and a bully.

Most women will have had a moment of gossiping, and not feeling so good for doing it, that’s normal, we can all gossip. You will have a moment and think, nope I shouldn’t be judging, and feel awful.

With a female narcissist, they will gossip about anyone and everyone they do not care, they are bully’s, it’s just to make her feel better about herself, you get something new, they’ll get something better, they enjoy bringing others down. Even if they’re not a narcissist someone who constantly puts others down, is basically screaming out their own insecurities.

Both male and female do enjoy putting others down.

Female narcissist and male narcissist are both passive-aggressive and cut others down because they are jealous of you. Because you’ve got quality’s they can never have. They can not see the damage towards others as their fault, they don’t have the ability to self-respect and change themselves, they cannot accept accountability and they have to blame others. They believe they are perfect and it’s others that are at fault.

Male and female will find and make a golden child and a scapegoat child.

Female and male narcissists will devalue, smear and discard.

We all have narcissism in us, we can all have those selfish moments, or those moments we say something we shouldn’t, good people will recognise what they did wrong, feel guilt, apologies and try their best to not make the same mistake twice, narcissist people do no have the ability to care for various reasons, lack of empathy, unable to reflect, blaming all others as to them the world is against them especially the woe is me, vulnerable narcissist,.

research in 2018 suggests that 7.7 per cent of men and 4.8 per cent of women have a narcissistic personality disorder. It is quite hard to diagnose NPD as most will not go for treatment and a lot can easily fool any test.

Most people I speak with are women who’ve suffered abuse emotional and sometimes physical abuse at the hands of a male, also men that have been in a relationship with a narcissistic man, and most deaths at the hands of narcissistic sociopaths or psychopath, murders from abusive partners or stalkers are women killed by men, there are a few explanations for this which I will go into further. Men are possibly more likely to take their own lives due to the emotional trauma from a narcissistic relationship.

Firstly males are usually programmed from an early age to be tough, to not cry, they are dominant, powerful and strong, as a women myself it was extremely daunting and took a lot of overcoming my own pride and ego that not only had I been in an abusive relationship, I’d stayed way longer than I ever should have, also fear of judgment from others, with that in mind, my personal opinion is it’s a lot harder for the alpha male (just a sweeping generalisation.) to step forward and speak up about what they have been through, I also believe society is quick to blame the male a believe the female narcissist who’s playing the woe is me, victim, extremely well. So statistics are most likely not accurate.

All narcissists feel inner shame, the main difference between male and female narcissists is males can be more prone to use emotional and physical violence, female narcissists are most likely to just use emotional violence, which emotional violence is extremely confusing and damaging, as it still destroys people in the most unimaginable ways.

The vulnerable narcissist.

All narcissistic people have Lack of empathy, Sense of Entitlement, Lack of emotion regulation, Feelings of superiority, Disorder in home life and professional life, Non-linear relationship between facts and feelings, Self-esteem issues characterized by up and down feelings, and so many more.

The vulnerable narcissist is considered to be part of the covert narcissists.

A vulnerable narcissist has a victim mentality. They are always playing the victim, and always require a lot of sympathetic attention. All narcissists can play the victim when they feel a need to manipulate in that way.

Like all narcissist types, They are emotionally draining to be around. With the vulnerable, it’s, mostly because of how sensitive they are on top of them being emotionally demanding. Their mission in life is to get the people around them to see them as the perfect creatures they believe themselves to be.

Vulnerable narcissists are often depressed The life they live does not meet the fantasy of the life they feel entitled to.

Unlike people with other disorders that try to take their own lives or self-harm, Vulnerable narcissists are one of the few people to make threats of self-harm in order to get attention. They rarely follow through with it.

Vulnerable narcissists often appear to be calm people, they have very confusing self-esteem issues.

A vulnerable narcissist believes they are perfect like most narcissists. They perceive that the world is out to get them. They try everything to get the attention they believe they deserve by manipulating those around them.

They are emotionally draining to be around, as they are highly sensitive, extremely emotional and very fragile.

They are vain, Infantile and self-destructive.

Their first line of narcissistic defences they will be, passive-aggressive and shutting people out optioning to use the silent treatment as their preferred manipulation to punish others. They will mostly play the victim card because they will always see themselves as the victim.

They are also known as introverted, covert, fragile or closet narcissist, they still feel, and believe they are superior to most people they meet, yet they hate being in the spotlight. They often seek to try to attach themselves to what they see as special people, They will seek pity from others to get sympathy and maybe excessive generosity to receive the attention and admiration they need to boost their inner self-worth.

Some vulnerable Female narcissist and those that might not have narcissistic personality disorder, as they want the rich powerful alpha male to take charge, as they are extremely emotionally charged they can go with their feelings rather than their thoughts of logic, so if they feel you’ve hurt them in some way, they’ll believe you have, even if you haven’t actually done anything.

They will manipulate, they will gaslight, intimidate, provoke to cause that reactive abuse, they will do all they can to push your buttons until you explode. Both narcissistic men and women do this.

When it comes to men and women. In my opinion, most women can be more calculated than men, not in all cases some men are more calculated than some women.

So where most men act on impulse, using each part of their brain at that moment in time, women have a whole lot more emotional attachment, I’m not saying men don’t, just women that are emotionally charged remember a lot more as they have usually attached emotions to experience, men’s brains don’t always do this yet some do. So narcissistic women can and will use things against others that happened years ago, they can simmer on something they felt was said or done to them, not actually said or done, and use it against someone years later.

Research suggests that NPD is often diagnosed as something else in women, for those who do get a diagnosis they are often diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder or similar personality disorders.

You could also be dealing with a female that’s suffering from PTSD from past abusive situations, not always, yet symptoms are similar. The main thing to look out for to spot the difference is are they entitled? Do they exploit others? If they don’t have these then they are most likely suffering from PTSD and not NPD.

A relationship with a vulnerable female narcissist is very, they want you when you don’t want them, then they don’t want you when you do want them. Simply because they don’t know what they want. This could also be due to PTSD from past trauma and they desperately want and need to feel loved, yet they are extremely scared of being hurt.

Some girls grow to be women with a miss understanding and a pressure of who they are supposed to be, wanting to fall in love and have a man, yet wanting careers and to be self-reliant so somewhere they lose the sense of being a female the feminine side within a relationship or when they hit that they fear to be dependent on another especially if suffering from PTSD.

Or they’ve been raised to believe they get married and have children, even if that’s not what they truly want, so go with those beliefs and expectation yet as it’s not what they truly want they begin to struggle within a relationship.

Or they’ve been raised to believe they get married and have children they seek to have that perfect family life, and when it’s not perfect they struggle to cope as nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.

When women are raised not sure on simply how to be themselves, to fit into a box of what women should be, often believing they need Prince Charming to rescue them, they end up trying to act in ways they believe men want them to, not being true to themselves, they can also go for the bad guy, the man that takes risks as they seem more manly and more of a challenge, even though it’s not what they truly want, then when their emotions are on overdrive and they start projecting those onto the male, or when they are not happy they start provoking the male until the male snaps, then they blame the male for being violent and the narcissist. Most narcissists will do their best to provoke to cause reactive abuse, so they can spin the story to suit themselves. Yet in culture, it’s deemed far worse for men to lash out at women than women to lash out at men, yet both are equally wrong.

Men then often feel guilty for lashing out to which the female narcissist will then use against them to guilt trip to get their own way.

All people have narcissism within them. So when you’re around negative narcissistic people it can bring out your negative narcissistic side. The toxic relationship is formed and neither of you might actually be narcissistic, yet you both get trapped in the cycle of abuse. If you have empathy for another, if you feel guilt or remorse, if you ever blamed yourself, then you are not a narcissist.

It’s possible most not all-male narcissist uses people to reach their goals, the most female narcissist uses people to break free from the social norm and use people to get to the top of the food chain.

Society for a long time was the male as the breadwinner, and the female the empath and the homemaker, roles are reversed in some, and people are becoming confused and conflicted as to what their role is in life, causing conflict within relationships, as women try to be the women, the girl, the princess, yet want the career, and men try to to be the breadwinner and in charge.

Almost like a battle of wills as to who plays which role.

When it comes to relationships it’s about being who you truly are and 50/50 so sometimes the women need to take care of her man 90/10 depending on what’s happening and sometimes the man needs to look after her women 90/10.

There’s becoming a lot of pressure on who’s supposed to play what role in society, yet we all have masculine and feminine energy, both males and females are allowed to have both and do have both.

Some female narcissist and some females who just have that drive for success can emasculate a man, so the man starts to stand up for themselves only to be provoked by the women.

Like all narcissists the female envy’s those who are where she would like to be, she manipulates situations to get to where she wants to be and tries to control those around her, to suit her wants and needs.

Females can look towards a male to make them feel safe and secure and to be dominant, yet NPD females or those suffering from PTSD, can have learned to become self-reliant, so in putting themselves into a position of trusting someone not to hurt them can be a very scary place to be, then the battle within their own mind begins to keep control of situations any way they can, usually by manipulation, and like male and female narcissists pushing others away.

They can also if on the spectrum or suffering from NPD not truly opening up their love towards their partner, leaving the male not feeling appreciated, the male might try all they can to prove their love, yet as the female pushes them away, the male feelings hurt moves away, for the female to then pull the male back in.

Female narcissistic friends, use their friends, they are in competition with their friends, often putting friends down to feel better within themselves, envious of how friends look, the relationships their friends have with others, often seeking to triangulation, divide an conquer, to gain control of that friend for their own selfish need, rarely being supportive unless it’s to further manipulate, or looking supportive yet destroying marriages and family’s with bad advice. The invalidate how their friends look, think and feel. In a group of female friends the narcissist, or the one with narcissistic traits, will look for the strongest link, the biggest competition and seek to isolate them from the rest of the group to feel better within herself. They can be extremely vindictive, cold and calculating in their ways to achieve this.

No contact is always best if you are dealing with a narcissist, if they are just toxic, limiting your time around them, especially when they are provoking you, retreat, rethink and respond only if you need to do so.

Coming away from any relationship with any narcissist be it friends, parent, family members is draining, it’s the time to create new dreams and new routines for you, making your life work for you.

You can and you will recover from this.

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