Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder And CPTSD.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Borderline personality Disorder (BPD.) And Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD.) are both cluster B Personality Disorders, often those with NPD can be miss diagnosed with having BPD, those with BPD who’ve come away from a narcissistic relationship can believe that they are a narcissist due to behaviours of BPD. Also, those of us left with Complex Post Traumatised Stress Disorder. ( CPTSD .) can be miss diagnosed with BPD. So what are the differences and what could you be dealing with? Within yourself and those around you?

BPD and CPTSD.

People with borderline personality disorder can feel like their whole lives are on one long emotional rollercoaster, those with CPTSD can also feel this way, with relationships and emotions seemingly extremely unstable at times, not knowing who they indeed are no real self-image, full of self-doubt, feeling confused, and the things they like and dislike changing from one day to the next, isolating themselves from those around them, for fear of hurting others or clinging to people for fear of abandonment.

Those with BPD or CPTSD can both trigger easily and are often extremely sensitive when events, people or even their own perceptions trigger their emotions. Their emotions can be extremely volatile, needing lots of reassurance, they often find it difficult to self-sooth, and it takes time to calm down, this can leave them feeling emotionally and physically drained.

Both those with CPTSD and BPD can become anxious or depressed easily. They can most often yet not always be prone to self-harm.

Narcissistic Abuse can and often does grow the amygdala within our minds. This is the part of our Brian that houses our emotions. The amygdala helps to coordinate our responses to those things in our reality, this part of our brains is the part that plays a role in our emotional responses, especially our responses to fear and anger. When in a narcissistic relationship, be it our parents, partner, family members, friends. With the narcissists gaslighting, blame-shifting, provoking and the other manipulative games they play, it causes our emotions to respond which grows our amygdala, which heightens our feelings sometimes to the extreme, making fear and anger become extreme.

Then we have the hippocampus within our minds which houses our memories, and this often shrinks in people who’ve been mentally or physically abused by narcissists, the hippocampus helps to regulate memories that are also connected to our emotions.

So if you fear something, from past experience, Your hippocampus can wipe the memories out, yet your amygdala can cause irrational fear in things that could potentially trigger past pains, leading to anxiety and often irrational anxiety, leading to emotional outbursts, our minds are then unable to control our emotions as easily as those who’ve not suffered at the hands of a narcissist, often it can become so uncontrollable, we can then end up lashing out, going on benders, fearing abandonment, become addicted to drugs legal, or illegal, smoking, drinking, cannabis, cocaine etc. as coping mechanism. Then thinking that we could be the narcissist. Or that our child/partner/parent could be a narcissist.

If you’re dealing with someone who has BPD or CPTSD and it’s harming you, then they need outside help, they have to want to change, and it requires work and support, if you’re dealing with someone who’s NPD, you need to walk away safely for your own sanity. No matter what, no one deserves to be abused. The reason behind someone’s behaviour is a reason. It’s never an excuse.

The fear of been abandoned can lead those with CPTSD it BPD, to lash out at those they love the most, or think of suicide, as they feel so low, so miss understood, so helpless, they feel there is no other way out, sometimes people threaten suicide for attention, or from desperation, suicide is serious and should always be taken seriously.

Nine symptoms of BPD. To have the disorder, a person would need five out of the nine criteria below.

1. Fear of abandonment. Those with BPD can have a real fear of being abandoned, to the point where it can have a massive impact on their daily lives and their loved ones, often pushing loved ones away, they can react when those they love are five minutes late, want to go away with friends for the weekend, they can track the movements of their loved ones, pled, beg, cause arguments. Which is similar to how those with NPD can react, and often why people coming away from a narcissistic relationship can then question if they are a narcissist, especially when there is little to no trust, so they don’t want the other going away. Paranoid and suspicious of those around them.

2. Feelings of suspicion. When under stress feeling like you’re having an out of body experience, or feelings of paranoia.

3. Anger. Having a very short temper with outbursts of anger, throwing things, screaming, shouting, this can be at those around them, or it can be inwards anger.

4. Emptiness. Feelings of being nothing, having nothing, can lead to filling the void by overeating, overspending, sex, alcohol, drugs, but nothing ever satisfies.

5. Emotional mood swings. Unstable mood swing, one minute happy, the next sad.

6. Self Harm. Attempting to hurt themselves without suicide intentions, more to try and release inner pain, threats of suicide, attempts of suicide. Behaviour that’s harmful towards others, or damaging property.

7. Self-destructive. Risk-taking behaviours that harm themselves and those around them, taking drugs, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, binge eating, driving dangerously, spending too much. To feel something.

8. No real sense of self. Sometimes thinking poorly of themselves as they are a bad person, hating themselves and at other times feeling good about themselves, no long term goals or dreams of what they want in life, changing jobs often, values, beliefs, religions, friends or partners.

9. Unstable relationship. Falling in love fast only to have short-lived yet intense relationships. Going to extreme lengths to avoid a relationship breaking down, begging, pleading, self-harm.

NPD. To have NPD, a person would need five out of the nine from the criteria below.

1. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own attitude.

2. Arrogance and dominance. They are proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, and some will hide it away.

3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own.

4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.

5. Jealous and envious. They are never truly happy and always want more.

6. Lack of empathy. They can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.

7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are successful will brag, those who are not will blame others.

8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.

9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.

CPTSD.

Common symptoms of CPTSD.

1. Flashbacks. Reliving events from the past, intense distress, vivid nightmares, intrusive thoughts, physical body pain.

2. Anxiety. Sense of dread, feeling on edge, becoming easily upset or angry, disturbed sleep, easily angered or aggressive, self-destructive behaviour.

3. Paranoid, difficulty with beliefs. Not being able to trust others, feelings that no one understands, feelings that nowhere is safe, overwhelming feelings of sadness, emptiness, pain or guilt, self-blame.

4. Self-destructive. Difficulty in holding down a job, difficulty in maintaining relationships or friendships, inability to cope with change,

5. Self-harm. Suicidal thoughts, self-harming, anxiety, panic attacks, depression.

Miss diagnosis is common, as with NPD, BPD and CPTSD, people suffering from any of these can all potentially, have difficulty maintaining a relationship, they can have explosive bouts of anger, they can cause arguments, they can throw things, they can threaten self-harm, (why it’s always vital to take these threats seriously, and seek support for them, even if the support isn’t from you.) the can all potentially have difficulty holding down a job, all drive recklessly, all overindulged in spending, they can all potentially use drugs legal or illegal to self-sooth, they can all possibly be paranoid.

This is also why those leaving any form of narcissistic relationship that could be left with CPTSD or BPD, primarily if raised by narcissistic parents, then going from one narcissistic partner to the next, can once they start learning about the disorder believe they themselves are suffering from NPD. The three things to look out for and not to be confused with BPD are self-entitlement ( not just believing they deserve happiness due to troubled past.) entitled to anything and everything they want whenever they want, exploit others with intent, going into whatever relationship with the intentions of ripping them off or exploiting others, no empathy, and not just because you believe someone has hurt you so badly you want karma to hit them hard, having no empathy for anyone. If you start with good intentions, don’t exploit others, don’t always feel entitled and have empathy for others you’re not NPD, and if you’re asking if you are, most likely you’re not.

Causes of BPD, NPD. Most professionals believe it can be anything from Inherited to the external environment, internal biological factors, personally I think the most common root cause is trauma, suffering from any experience that it’s deemed traumatic to that person. Then dealing with the daily struggle to overcome trauma, also learned behaviour and coping mechanisms, to deal with the emotions.

Recovery.

At the end is a link for additional help and support from better help, as we all recover differently and the support we require is individual to ourselves, some can with online tips, others need extra support, as what you’ve been through it individual to you.

Take care of yourself, depending on where you’re at it can take practice daily to get these into alignment. Start at a pace where you’re not overwhelmed.

1. Exercise. If you don’t already, then start steady with a ten-minute walk, a five-minute jog up and down the stairs, then build up to something or join team sports to begin building friendships.

2. Healthy eating. Avoiding stimulants such as alcohol, cut down at a pace that suits you, avoiding mood-altering stimulants, seek support if required don’t dive in.

3. Sleep. Not easy when dealing with symptoms of CPTSD Or BPD even if you don’t have them, or dealing with outside situations, exercise actually helps rest, think of great things you want from live as you fall asleep if you wake at 3,4,5,6 instead of fighting to get back to sleep ( can be challenging to start with depression.) try just getting up, reading a good book, getting some jobs done, getting a twenty-minute work out routine in, a soak in the bath, motivational video on as you go about your morning.

4. Emotions. Again practice, time and patience, ”my mind controls my emotions, I control my mind.” focus on your thinking, taking extra care of your thoughts and feelings, they’re all normal, if your struggling from anger, punch the lights out of a pillow, exercise, releasing emotions, you might even end up laughing, which helps shift your state of mind. Looking for things to be grateful for, complaining less and being thankful more.

5. Self-distraction. When you feel anxiety, or anytime coming on that you don’t want to feel, put something funny on t.v. Make a Vision board of your future, write down a list of five things to be grateful for and five things you’d like from life, expand on those and keep writing, have a soak in the bath, curl up in bed, and call a friend. Get busy doing things you need to do for you, whatever works for you as an individual.

6. Making a choice, facing your fears. Making a decision and within five seconds going for it, choosing to think happy, choosing to believe in you, Choosing to apply for that job, choosing you, choosing life, fears don’t allow them to hold you back, use them to drive you forwards. You’re worth so much more. Make the impossible possible. Become the best you.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com/SHcS

The Narcissists Enablers.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse by, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

What is a narcissist enabler?

Enablers are people who will help the narcissist achieve their aim, they will most often unwittingly, defend the narcissist, support the narcissist, help the narcissist, an enabler is a person the narcissist recruits to their side. They might not always agree with or defend the narcissist, yet they put up with their behaviour or stick up for them and even bail them out. People usually unwittingly become enablers to the narcissist and often don’t typically have a malicious motive, they can genuinely think they are doing the right thing by the narcissist or that they are trying to keeping the peace, some can become enablers out of fear the narcissist has instilled into them if they don’t conform to the narcissist’s demands, so they have turned to the survival mechanism fawn, meaning they will go along with what the narcissist says, for fear of what would happen to them if they didn’t. Others often believe the narcissists lies and think they’re helping the narcissist when, in reality, they are enabling the narcissist to do their worst. Then we have the narcissists family members who will do anything to protect their family, they either believe the narcissist to be innocent, or they are narcissistic themselves and running in a pack in order to protect the family name.

The narcissist can basically throw one of their temper tantrums, and enablers give in, the narcissist learns they can keep power and control over others. When people forgive them in anything that they do a narcissist learns they can keep doing it. When people stand up to a narcissist and stop accepting their bad behaviour, they throw even bigger tantrums as they believe they are above all others and should be allowed to behave as they please, regardless to the effects it has on those around them as they don’t have the empathy to care, or put themselves in another’s shoe to understand how it makes someone else feel, they only care about themselves and getting their needs met.

When a narcissist never receives any consequences, they believe they can continue to do as they please.

You can not give what you do not have when an enabler does not have facts and evidence of the truth they can not make an accurate judgement of the situation they are in.

When a narcissist has no empathy for others, they simply can not care for the pain or suffering they inflict on those around them, and the Narcissist will guilt-trip, Pitty play, threaten, beg, distort the truth and triangulate, amongst other manipulative methods to get those around them to conform to their demands.

Unfortunately, most of us that have been entangled with a narcissist have at some point been an enabler, mostly Because narcissism is still a very hidden personality disorder from society. Although the good news is awareness is growing daily. As you are all too aware, not knowing the reality, for seeing the good in others and believing their pity plays, for wanting to help others, to becoming so weak and so scared of them, most of us have enabled them at some point during the relationship, whether that was a parent, friend, coworker, siblings or partner.

A narcissist enabler is someone, who doesn’t have the life skills, the awareness, or the power within themselves (often because the narcissist has stripped all reality from them.) to escape so goes into the natural human survival mode of fawn, meaning they cope by just giving the narcissist what they want, for fear of what would happen to them if they didn’t.

You have the strength and power within you to break free and live a happy life, you can do it, those who have escaped already, be proud you’re amazing it’s not easy, but as you know, it’s worth it.

When you don’t know about narcissism, it’s invisible to you. Therefore you do what you believe is right at that time. Once out, you become to realise the narcissist’s friends, family and a new partner often can not even see it or understand it, and to be fair those who have escaped them did not see it for a long time. Therefore we can not judge those close to the narcissist who either can not see it or refuse to view it.

On the outside most narcissistic people can talk the talk, they can project, blame shift and gaslight their way out of so many situations, sometimes with help from those who don’t understand what’s happening to them.

They come to you wrapped beautifully promise you all your dreams, yet on the inside, they are fundamentally broken and can only deliver a living nightmare.

They are a bully who intimidates or bribes those around them and is all too often allowed to roam freely invisible to who they indeed are to those around them.

Some friends and family might never criticise the narcissist, so the narcissist never shows their true colours to that person.

A narcissist will control, punish and win.

While the narcissist gets away with this others don’t see, as they control so subtly and manipulatively those around often don’t know what is genuinely happening and usually believe they are to blame for the narcissists behaviour, with the narcissists punishment through silent treatment and other manipulation, they weaken the targets defence system, often the target gives in, and the narcissist wins for the cycle to repeat.

Everything will be ok while the narcissist is winning and keeping control, only as you already know if you’ve been around a narcissist, it has detrimental effects on your mental, emotional, physical and financial health, and you can never honestly know how to keep them happy, for they themselves don’t know.

Being an enabler can make you powerless to the narcissists, which is shocking as with your caring qualities in truth, you are much stronger than the narcissist,

The narcissist gaslights those around them into a trance, to conform to the narcissists demands, often leaving those around them with a feeling of guilt when the wake from the trance, remember if you did anything, you most often did what you believed to be right at that time, with good intentions.

If the narcissist’s enabler is the partner, they live in a world of loneliness, hazy memories, feeling crazy, physical illness and powerless. The facilitator lives in a world of turmoil with overwhelming emotions that are heightened the longer they are around the narcissist. Guilt, shame, paranoia, depression, anger, frustration and fear, to name a few.

An enabler supports the narcissist’s false reality by.

  • Accepting the narcissist version of reality.
  • Not questioning the narcissist through self-doubt or fear the narcissist has instilled.
  • Not being able to stand up for themselves.
  • Hiding, or cleaning up after the narcissist’s destruction.
  • Acting as an apologist for narcissist’s behaviour.
  • Defending the narcissist.
  • Lying for the narcissist.

A narcissists enabler can be a parent, a child, a partner, a friend, a coworker, a sibling, and people become enablers for different reasons, often a narcissist will brainwash people to not take care of themselves and put all the narcissists needs first, because the enablers end up so full of self-doubt, fear, to just not knowing reality. Most people become enablers over time without realising what’s happening to them.

Parents, partners, children etc. are brainwashed into believing the narcissist, often the narcissist’s targets are left believing.

  • I’ve made them act this way.
  • If I’d compromise more.
  • If I’d trust more.
  • If I wasn’t sensitive, insecure, needy, demanding.
  • They love us deep down.
  • They didn’t mean to do it.
  • Relationships have there ups and downs.
  • If I was a better person.
  • I need to stop being hurt and angry and become more loving.

And so many more.

Enablers might have grown up with narcissistic parents so they believe their partner’s behaviour is normal and accept things as normal that they should never have accepted. Parents of narcissists and partners might also believe within them self’s they are the only ones who truly understand the narcissist and can help them. You can not help them, and you can help you.

Even when partners wake from the brainwashing trance, the narcissist put them under they stay, believing there is no way out. There is always a way out.

  • Having no self-confidence or self-worth.
  • Isolated from friends and family.
  • No financial resources.
  • Threats to take them home and the children.

Others have faced these fears and safely got out and rebuilt their lives into a much happier and calmer way to live.

Take those baby steps and you can, and you will get out, not only will you get out you will recover and heal.

What can you do if you’re still with a narcissist? Safely get out, yes if someone mistreats you you don’t have to stay just because it’s your, husband, wife, brother, sister or parent. Staying in only confirming to the narcissist they can treat you as badly as they want and you’ll put up with it.

There is guilt surrounding walking away from narcissists, and a narcissist is energy-draining vampires that will suck your life away from you, they only take and take more and more from you, they are not you’re a problem. You can not help them; you can only help you. Feel the guilt, understanding that you might not like it, know it needs to be done, guilt will eat you up, you need to let it go, releasing the guilt release so much, let it go.

If you’re out and Their enablers are covering for them, understand their enablers are not the problem and don’t understand the situation they are in, remove them from your life, block and delete on all forms of contact not only the narcissist but also their enablers.

With guilt, you’ve got to realise, yes that’s not who you are, or want to be, yet it’s a must for your own sanity, and you’ve got to let that guilt go.

Being your focus into the present, leave the past behind, hold your head high and build on new dreams for you. You can, and you will. Believe in yourself.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com/SHcS

The narcissists are flying monkeys.

The smear campaign

The Narcissists Hoover.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The hoover, Is named after the hoover, as the narcissist only wants to suck you back in, and once they have achieved this, once their own selfish needs have been met, they will then treat you like dirt again, and discard you all over again.

Be it, days, weeks, months or years, most narcissist will at some point come for the hoover.

If it’s before you have recovered, or after you have recovered, you may suddenly get a message from the narcissist, or if you have children with them, they might unexpectedly change how they talk to you. When they do this, you may feel so many emotions from anger to guilt, and your self-confidence might go, you may wonder what they will try next, you might still question if they are indeed a narcissist and your self-doubt might creep back in.

You may think right now, that there is no way you’d get back together with this person. Or you might still have the trauma bond and want them back. Unfortunately, they are extremely good at what they do, and most people have gone back at least once, often a lot more than once, especially if you didn’t know what they were. We do, however, learn and at some point, we break free, and we stay free.

Remember the narcissist, does not respect boundaries or rules; they are not accountable, they believe they are always right, they believe they should have all the control and all the power. They think they own you and should be able to have you back, whenever they choose. It’s never about you, and it’s always what the narcissist wants. They believe they are entitled to have what they want when they want, and they can throw almighty tantrums from the silent treatments to the rage to try and exploit others and get their own way.

As soon as you fall for one of their manipulative tactics, they have got what they need. They only come back to get what they need from you or a relationship. Here are a few things to watch out for when they come back playing nice.

If you are still questioning if they are a narcissist or not, write down all the ways that they have hurt you in the past, narcissistic or not if they are toxic and make you miserable, you can go it alone, take those baby steps, recover and move onto a much happier life. Do your best to find new positive things that you love doing and make you feel happy, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.

These are a few common examples of how a narcissist might hoover.

Hoover 1. This could be a Message, if you are in contact over the children, they might change how they message you if you don’t have children they might try and email you or use a friend via Facebook if you’ve blocked them.

Narcissists do this to test the waters and their chance of getting you back. You may feel lonely; you may want that apology, don’t do it no reaction, no contact, often if you react negatively, they will accept this also and use all they can to hit you with more messages to get those reactions from you.

Hoover 2. You haven’t been together for a while, then they send you a nice gift which gets you thinking about how nice they could be, so your message to thank them, and you’re drawn back in.

You remember how sweet they could be, no it’s just a trick, no reaction, no contact, their admiration face has come out to play, to suck you back in as you have something they want, keep your borders up and keep them away from your territory. If you’re feeling weak which a lot do until recovered, write down all other times they played nice, you showered them back with attention then what happened? Did it cycle back to the end? Start journaling about each and every good thing you’ve achieved since you split up, no matter how big or small to remind yourself why you need to stay free.

Hoover 3. If you still see them in person, they might start telling you how much they have missed and love you, that you are their soulmate and they see this now. You like so many others might think things will be different this time. It will not. No reaction, no contact. Just respond with. “That’s interesting,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” If face to face. Tell them “I don’t feel that way.” And leave it at that. You do not need to explain why to them, and you need to know your why? As to why you will not go back? If you can not remember in a moment of weakness and most have those moments have them written down to remind you, at the same time have positive things written down as to what you are going to do with your life now you are free. Take action to achieve your new goals and dreams.

Hoover 4. They may suddenly get in touch asking you about a good time you had had together or somewhere you visited together, something you did with the kids, anything to bring up good memories. You could then feel ashamed of how things ended, and again it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. If you’ve reached a better happier place, you are allowed to remember the good, you lived those moments, yet recognise the reality of the relationship in its entirety, not better than it was and not worse than it was, just as it was. How you truly feel when around them.

Hoover 5. The accidental contact, they may bump into you somewhere, or they may send you a message then pretend it was for someone else, you might then start to think about them again. Stop no reaction, no contact. Just as you might have finally evicted them from running around your mind rent-free, and that, most likely took time and self-work to do so, then suddenly boom they are back, you are allowed to think about them, don’t question if they have changed, instead think they have a disorder, one that you did not cause, one that you can not change, and one you can not control, it’s how they are, however, you can take back control of your thoughts, give yourself ten minutes or however long you’d like, acknowledge to yourself. “I’m going to reminisce, I know they are toxic then I’m going to do????.” And go do something that takes your mind elsewhere, watch something funny, call a friend, read a book, clean, run, yoga, whatever you enjoy doing for you, and bring all your mind and attention onto that present moment.

Hoover 6. They may apologise, the false apology, if they say they’ll change, remember you’ve heard it all before, it’s all lies. You might want to clear the air with them, no reaction, no contact. You don’t need to clear the air with them, only yourself, Observe the false apology words for what they indeed are, manipulation to use you again, don’t Absorb, as you’re a good, kind, caring person, most want to believe their apology, look for times you have in the past only for them to hurt you again. An apology without changed behaviour is just further manipulation.

Hoover 7. There’s a crisis, the victim pity play, they will use fake illness for themselves or for family members, as they know the empathy you have will mean you want to help. You want to rescue you might feel bad not doing, yet, run for the hills it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. They are no longer your problem, ask yourself, would they come to help you if it was the other way around? If you really need to help them, call and inform their family or friends, and leave them to deal with them, it’s ok to be selfish towards those who are never there for you.

Hoover 8. They might ask a friend or family member to contact you for them. You might be curious. You might want to not look rude by not replying to their family or friends. Again tricks, lies and manipulation, no reaction, no contact. Best is no response if you do respond, keep it single. “O.k.” Or “thanks.” Don’t tell them anything about you as that information shall be fed straight back to the narcissist.

Hoover 9. Calling you up to say they’re moving away, would like to see you one last time before they leave, so you meet for a coffee. You’d like closure, and it’s another trick. No Reaction, no contact. If they have you on the phone, just say “thank you but no.” Do not arrange to meet them.

Hoover 10. They will beg, make great promises for the future, tell you they will change, cry, yell, shame, threats, try to guilt trip, blame shift, make false accusations. No reaction, no contact, If you left them, and they win you back. It will be worse as they’ll try to punish you for abandoning them.

They will try being sweet at first, or vulnerable, or add the pity play, and they might act like they are sorry. It’s a lie to hook you in, no reaction, no contact.

If your boundaries are solid and that doesn’t work.

They may tell you that you’re a horrible person.

They may then shift onto how amazing their new partner is, and they don’t need you anyway. Or that they just want the best for you.

Your standing firm and your boundaries are strong. They will go after what matters to you the most and go all out to destroy it, they’ll tell you what a rubbish parent you are, or the no one like you.

They may leave you alone for a while even years, and then they’ll start all over again.

The narcissist knows how to suck people in, so remember they are only in it for themselves. They only come back and try the hoover if they believe they can gain something from you. Not because they love or care for you.

Do not fall for their tricks, keep moving forward, no contact, grey rock, stay strong, enjoy your freedom, narcissists know they can pull ex’s back in, that trauma bond lasts and it completely normal to want to go back, but you need to remember how bad they made you feel. No reaction, no contact, grey rock.

You can, and you will recover from this.

Overcoming your loneliness after a narcissistic relationship. If the break up is new or the children visit the other parent, and you are at a loss with what to do with yourself.

We all do have a need for human connection. There are six human needs, and we have the fundamental human needs for survival, such as air to breath, food to eat, water to drink and shelter. A great man named Tony Robbins discovered the six personal human needs, which are.

Love and connection.

Growth.

Contribution.

Significance.

Certainty.

Uncertainty.

There are excellent online test to find what your top two human needs are, so you can work your life around what fills your needs best, now once you meet three of these needs you become addicted, whether these are met, positively, negatively or neutrally, once you hit three you become addicted, a narcissistic relationship with a parent, partner, boss or friend, you can meet all six of these needs and become addicted in a negative way. So finding something positive that meets three of these needs helps with recovery, if you enjoy doing something and become positively addicted, Recovery from a narcissistic relationship will be much easier as your mind will become focused elsewhere, so long as you don’t self-sabotage, as abuse is so addictive, we often come out, with self-doubt and talking to ourselves how the abuser did, so working on healing these and our insecurities while finding new hobbies to fill out time can help speed up those baby steps.

Learning something new, where you meet or help others can fill the need for growth, connect, significance if assisting others to and uncertainty if fresh, then certainty once you’ve started a new routine.

People can help others in all areas, HGV driver delivering goods if that’s what you enjoy, hairdressers, shop assistant, web designers, cake maker, builder, Gardner, business owner, the possibilities are endless and it all down to find what you like, if you want it and enjoy it, you will create the drive to keep you going when it gets hard, as life does get hard, we are all here to learn, we are all here to grow, we all make mistakes along the way, it’s just our first attempt in learning, and it’s no matter how many attempts we take, so long as we keep trying new methods until we find the one that works for us. Baby steps, we where all baby’s once, we didn’t give up learning and growing, we kept going, somewhere along the way that drives might have gotten sidetracked, and that’s ok we just go again, you are special, you are capable, and you can do what you’d like to do for you.

If you’re feeling lonely.

Try not to worry about feeling lonely right now, others have been there and got through it, and can you too.

To be alone, it means you are physically alone.

To be lonely is a physical state of mind.

So you can be alone with yourself and not feel lonely.

Or as you probably realised during the narcissistic relationship, you can be with someone and feel lonely.

Face removing the toxic people from your life.

Accept the loneliness and embrace it. It’s all about taking the small steps to get to where you want to be.

Step 1. Stop telling yourself you are lonely it’ll not help, tell yourself. “I’m good with my own company.” Then do some of the following things until you are.

Step 2. Create a vision of where you want to be in six months, write it down, focus on it, then take the steps to get yourself there.

Embrace your loneliness, your time is now yours, to do what makes you happy, to find what you enjoy, to do things that give you inner joy, have a break and do what you want to do.

Step 3. Creating new routines for yourself and how you want to do things now.

Step 4. Call a friend, and sometimes they might say no, that’s fine people are busy, others they might say yes, great.

Step 5. Focus on your quality of friends, not the quantity.

Step 6. Learn to be happy with your own company. Join groups, people with similar interests to your own, find new interests. Volunteer, or give something back, it really helps you. As Charles Dickens said. “ no one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another.” find something you’re interested in that’s creative and do it, even if it’s just singing in the shower.

Step 7. Be true to yourself, don’t people please, do what makes you happy, do what feels right for you. Find one thing you are, then take note, then find another, then take note, keep asking yourself, “ what do I enjoy,” “who do I want to be.” “ who am I.”

Step 9. Remember creating yourself new hobbies and new routines, takes time so take your time do the baby steps and find things that you enjoy.

Step 10. Work on your Presences, right now you need to focus on the moment, focus on today, don’t be distracted, by worrying about the past, or the future. Live in the here and now, whatever you are doing at every moment of every day focus on the task you are doing if you start obsessing about the past. Bring your self back and concentrate on what you are doing right now,

Step 11. Everyone has insecurities, and everyone has dreams, everyone eats, everyone has strange quirks, take a genuine interest in others, learn what you do have in common, with people

Step 12. Relax, don’t rush yourself through, take time out and do what you want to do for you.

Step 13. Reach out to others, either to get the help and support you need or to help support and advise those in need.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, embrace that feeling, it’s there to help you learn who you are, others have, and so can you. It will be ok, and it will work out, just believe in yourself, take the steps to create a new happier life for you.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://hasofferstracking.betterhelp.com/SHcS

Covert V’s Overt Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

People with a narcissistic personality disorder may be a mixture of the overt, covert types, and they can fit the descriptions of both types of narcissistic personality categories. The overt, covert, can cross over. A Covert can act confident around certain people, and Overt can play the victim if it meets a need of their own. Some people can have narcissistic personality traits but can just be an idiot or negative person. Or a different personality type.

The best thing to look out for is, do they seem entitled, even if they don’t act it? Do they seem to exploit others? Do they lack in empathy? Do they put others down? Do they seem jealous of others? Do you feel like you’re losing or you’ve lost who you are? Do they seem to put you down? Do you feel uncomfortable around them? Is your anxiety levels rising? Do you start things with “This might sound stupid?” Even if you’re not dealing with someone on the disorder, you’re dealing with a toxic person, and you have to decide for yourself to find a safe way to step away.

The typical classic grandiose narcissist, can and will play victim like a Covert narcissist if it gets them out of any form of consequences, yet it’s often done with calculating manipulative methods to get them out of trouble, often they don’t believe they are a victim as in their minds they are better than all others, and no one would get one over on them, they’ve made themselves victim to escape accountability, and in their mind, it will be your fault that they had to do this. An introverted covert, will believe they are unique but they’ll believing themselves to be the victim as those around them don’t seem to agree with the Covert theory that they are special, they’ll still exploit others in Covert. “If you hadn’t.” The overt is more of a “You deserved it.”

Covert v’s Overt.

Shy v’s Arrogant.

Introvert v’s Extrovert.

Impulsive v’s Calculated.

Overt narcissism these are usually the grandiose narcissist but not always. They are arrogant, boastful and they can be exhibitionist, easily offended to criticism and rage is close to the surface they have grandiose behaviour, they are demanding of specialised treatment, they want to be and will often be known as the best at everything, they really need to be recognised for their uniqueness, believing they are superior to others. Their personality is exploitative and very ruthless to gain power and control. They have the potential to be a public figure and often but not always have power and money, always at the expense of others. A lot will not secure success, and will simply make up great story’s and lie about their achievements in order to gain the recognition that has never been earned.

Overt and covert narcissists have deep feelings of unworthiness. The overt narcissist will diminish, slander and intimidate, people just because of their own jealousy and insecurities they have very high levels of distrust believing, probably because of how untrustworthy they are.

The covert narcissist is usually a victim narcissist but not always, as they are generally quieter, but still as dangerous and painful to become involved with as the overt. Both overt and covert have intense feelings of shame and unworthiness. Coverts often lack the confidence to present a grand false self to the world, so retreats to their inner world they do as all narcissists do happily lie.

A covert narcissist can show signs of depression and can be withdrawn, and project these feelings onto those closest to them, in withholding and passive-aggressive ways. The covert can explode, but it takes more provocation, often through a lack of confidence, Overts often believe themselves to be better than others, and they usually have an army of people who agree, so they are more outrageous and obvious in their ways. Both overt and covert lack a conscience and will project their own fears insecurities and damaged inner self on to others by lying, manipulating, withholding or abandoning. In fact, whatever tactic they can master to get any sort of reaction from you. Coverts are often anxious, pessimistic, unmotivated, and blames his or her past for insecurities and inadequacies. He or she may be a great drain on a partner by being parasitical in using money, resources and energy that he or she is not self-producing. They are highly exploitative and believes he or she is entitled to take, anything and everything they want, but can simply not be bothered contributing unless there is an ulterior motive attached.

Overts are calculated, cunning, sly and the masters of manipulation, Coverts act more on impulse.

It’s more the Covert that will have multiple partners, not always, yet they move on quicker to avoid being exposed for their true selves, they don’t want others seeing their deeply hidden insecurities or vulnerabilities, Overts can cheat, but often they have enough people sucked into their lies, or reliant upon them, those around them make them feel special on a more continuous basis, so they feel less need to cheat, although they are human so they are as capable of being a serial cheater, just like the Covert, and both are capable of staying faithful, although this is rare.

Recovery.

One of the hardest things to do within ourselves to overcome narcissistic abuse is to stop dwelling in the pain of our past, to enjoy our present and move into a happier future.

When we’ve given all our love, hopes, dreams, money and homes into a relationship, for that person just to destroy it all, that devastating pain is a natural response.

Those who’ve been through a narcissistic abusive relationship, are not only left in a state of confusion trying to reclaim reality and work out what’s indeed happened to them, as well as rebuild themselves back up from scratch, their homes, jobs, friends their entire lives. They are also left mentally and physical drained and utterly heartbroken.

We can also be left with the belief that they are our soul mate, they need our help, we love them, yet at the same time they are cruel and heartless towards us. This is because the narcissist can play so nice then be soul-destroying to us, causing our body’s to release chemicals that leave us trauma bonded to them. We are weaning ourselves off the drugs our bodies have released. With the many manipulation tactics from the narcissist, they use leaving us believing it’s our fault. The conflict within ourselves that no one can be that horrible for no reason we must have done something.

It is not your fault, and no one deserves to be treated this way.

You might question “, but they can be so nice.” Those on the cluster B personality disorder Narcissists, borderlines and histrionics have a Disorder, they are not healthy people who switch it on when they feel criticism, anger or stress, this is who they are.

Coming out of any form of relationship with a narcissist often leaves us in a state of disbelief, usually because of our own perceptions, values, beliefs, kindness, trust in others, making allowances for mistakes, with the help of their gaslighting, blame-shifting, the silent treatment and projecting their faults onto us. We rationalise, make excuses, blame ourselves and give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, or through fear of reactions, fear no one will understand, help or believe us, and if you’ve been isolated, fear of being alone can also keep us trapped in the cycle of abuse.

When we finally awaken from the trance they put us under and finally break free for good, it can seem like a never-ending mountain to climb, and we are drained emotionally, physically and financially. Often with the narcissist still playing games.

Here are some top tips for practising daily, even when you take a step or two back, get up and go again, you will find your inner happiness, freedom and a new life for you.

1. Be patient and kind to yourself, and it takes time, work and effort from within yourself. If you’ve slipped up and reacted to them, had a knockback, or just a bad day, it’s ok these things happen, deal with the emotions, then move on from that moment as it is now in your past.

2. Create new routines for you; sometimes we miss the routine we had, starting new ones for yourself, realising you now only have to answer to yourself and do what’s right for you.

3. Release the toxicity out of your mind, and when we’ve been around these people, they poison our minds, then our subconscious starts to work against us. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, support groups, coaches, psychologists, EMDR treatment to release it all from your mind, then work on building your mind to think how you want to, look for the positive, no matter how big or how small and keep going, keep achieving more.

4. Accept and acknowledge the truth, then forgive yourself. You have to realise you were manipulated and duped by an extremely toxic person, who just wanted to use you for your good qualities, they do not care for you, they just want to hurt you, your forgiving kind and generous traits were used against you, being a good person is nothing to be ashamed of, learning to say no will become a deal-breaker with these kinds of people in the future.

5. Boundaries, no contact or grey rock with negative people, practice the art of saying no to things you don’t want to do, don’t accept something you don’t like as normal behaviour and say yes. Stick to your no.

6. Accept that part of you knew, that part was most likely your instincts. Now is the time to tune into these and use them wisely. ( this is not to blame yourself, no one deserves to be abused.) this is to take responsibility for the choices you made, so you can take action not to make these choices again. Perhaps at the beginning, you thought something was off but didn’t know what, or something just didn’t add up. This is your instinct trying to warn you, now when you feel them don’t look for answers or excuses, go with them and never against them.

7. Heal any old wounds or insecurities for you, as narcissists are predictors, who choose a target they know they’ll be able to take down. Accept yourself for who you are, we all make mistakes, we all have insecurities, what others think of us, or our past is not for us, only you define you. Get to know yourself so well. Others will no longer be able to use you against you.

8. Shift your focus, and you will go through a period of time where you are drawn into your past, they will be running through your mind, the pull of the trauma bond, you might still need to work out some of your past, set aside time to do so, don’t let it steal your present day.

You are now more aware of yourself and educated on life itself, create new visions and dreams for you, take those steps to make these happen, the possibilities are endless, and you never know how far you can go. When you feel down focus on how far you’ve come, even if that’s just getting out, changing one thing can change everything for you.

10. Keep working on and listening to your inner voice, throw out any negative self-talk, words like “no one will love me.” And ” I’m not good enough.” This makes you pray to more manipulative people. Learn to create and love yourself for who you are, learn to believe in you, learn those instincts so you can now trust in yourself, ask yourself and give yourself truthful answers, ” who am I? ” if you don’t know. “Who do I want to be.” And keep going.

If you have a choice, ask yourself. “How do I feel about saying, yes?” ” How do I feel about saying no?” It’s about putting yourself first. Getting answers from you. So long as your intentions are good, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life, so live it for you.

Listen to those instincts; if things don’t add up about someone, don’t make excuses, those people are not for you.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com