How A Narcissist Steals Your Joy, And Ways To Reclaim Your Happiness.

A narcissist is a thief of joy.

A Narcissist is a con artist, a manipulator, and a thief of other people’s joy, freedom, possessions, mental health, physical health and many more.

A narcissist isn’t just someone with inner confidence within their own abilities or who likes to post selfies and count their likes.

A narcissist is a toxic person, who can one minute be so charming and kind, and the next so hurtful and negative. They lack in Empathy. They do not care for how others feel. They exploit people. They don’t care if they’ve earned something or not. They see what they want. They manipulate, they take, as they feel entitled to do so, they also hold no guilt for the things they do and remove their feelings of shame by passing the blame onto those around them.

Whoever the narcissist was or is within your life, as most of us carry a little self-doubt, a narcissist will take that self-doubt to place you into the fear zone, where we begin to Forget Everything And Run with it due to them downplaying their behaviour, and exaggerating all of ours.

When we are emotional thinkers, and they pull on each and every emotion to use against us, from making us feel Guilty and wanting to please them to fear and conforming to their demands, to anger and Reacting to their toxic ways. Just for them to shift the blame onto us time and time again, leaving us with more self-doubt.

How do they steal happiness?

The straightforward answer is that they manipulate your thoughts.

Self-doubt. Most of us have those nagging little doubts in day to day life, normal, natural and healthy. When it comes to Self-Doubt, you either sit down and avoid altogether and then live with regrets or stand up and do it anyway. A narcissist will train you to question everything about yourself. They do this by Invalidating all your thoughts and feelings. They will put you down using your insecurities against you. Instead of loving, caring and building you up, they take you down, so you doubt your abilities in everything you say or do. They Triangulate you and play you off against others to plant those seeds of self-doubt within your mind about those around you so that the narcissist can divide and conquer and you lose your trust in others.

Emotions. It’s normal to have feelings, yet a narcissist will make you overthink every single thing you think, feel, or believe in. A narcissist will act out in some way, provoke you in some way, or Gaslight you in some way. Then, when you do speak up for yourself, it’ll be you’re too sensitive or insecure, angry, jealous, have trust issues or emotional.

Those who have emotions can be sensitive. Being sensitive isn’t just a passing mood. It’s often vital to who a person is and their values. It usually means you care for others’ feelings. You can overthink before you act or speak. To avoid hurting another’s feelings, you can absorb information and process it. You can be upset easily when people offended you because you’re a caring person. You can become upset easily over others’ hurtful actions towards you.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. It’s good to have feelings, and it means you care about yourself and others.

There’s everything wrong with those who use our feelings against us to provoke reactions from us. Someone who loves and cares would try to think first. If they made an error in judgment, they would sympathise, comfort, validate and communicate. They would not use your own feelings against you.

When people do things that hurt you, being sensitive is a perfectly normal reaction. The problem is not you being sensitive. The problem is them not caring about hurting your feelings.

“You’re going to feel sensitive around insensitive people.”

Empathy. A narcissist will use our empathy just like our own emotions against us. They will beg, pled, triangulate, pity play, confuse, or place that much fear into us if we conform to their demands, as we feel bad if we don’t, we feel bad when we do. Yet, we fear what they will do more than we fear our own feelings.

Enough. Most of us question if we indeed are good enough, as we are human, we make mistakes, and we make errors in judgment. We look for ways to be enough often instead of looking to be enough for ourselves. We can try to be enough for others. Often as a narcissist has already planted that self-doubt within our minds that we are not enough, we try harder and harder to please them, never realising at the time we are losing ourselves. The more we try to please them, it is still never enough for them.

Drama. A narcissist will create so much drama within our lives, and it releases cortisol, dopamine and other natural chemicals so that we literally become addicted to the Toxic cycle.

Isolation. Once we have the self-doubt, once our emotions are running on a high, when we no longer feel good enough, surrounded by drama, we become mentally, emotionally and physically drained, our minds left so confused with Cognitive Dissonance we become isolated from friends and family, from any kind of support.

Cognitive Dissonance. Everything that happens within a narcissistic relationship leaves us confused. We live in two different realities, have different values and beliefs running around our heads, living confused about reality, which way to turn and what to do.

Fear. Once we are isolated, full of anxiety and depression from the emotional overload, and left feeling crazy, stupid, living in pain not only within our hearts but also within our minds, from all those silent treatments, walking on eggshells trying to second guess their behaviour, they will fill us with so many fears, fear of being left as we’ve got no one and nothing. With how we feel when they say,” No one will love you.” we believe them. When they say,” Who would believe you? You’re crazy.” we believe them.

How to reclaim your happiness.

The straightforward answer is, make a decision to take control back of your thoughts and work on it each and every day until you succeed, and it’s getting easier, and easier, and easier, then before you know it, the next time something hard hits, and your thoughts just take care of you. Be unapologetically you, learn to think about how you want, believe in what you want, not care what others say or do, and focus on yourself. Who cares if others like you. With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life. There is only your way.

We can study and look at the habits of happier people within our world, but most of those studies are done on wealthier people. So you can have a morning routine, you can exercise, you can meditate, you can do yoga, and you can surround yourself with happy people. Yes, this all helps, so long as doing these things actually makes you happy. They say happy and successful people get up at 4. a.m. If that’s what makes you happy, do it. If not, don’t. If you wake between 3. a.m and 6. a.m, try getting up and then going to bed earlier, rather than forcing yourself and fighting against yourself to fall back to sleep. Yes, we can learn from others living how we want to live, yet we have to adapt to what’s right for us.

Decisions. We can all choose, and then we can make excuses to talk ourselves out of that decision. Why? often fear, fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of pain, fear of what if? And you need to change those what ifs? From what the worst thing that could happen to the best thing that could happen, make a decision, then act on it. Look at a time in your past you made a decision, went for it, and altered your life course.

Fear. Face Everything And Rise again. When dealing with those without empathy, always find a safe way out. Facing the fear of making friends, the anxiety of dating, fear of being you, fear of standing up for yourself, and as you rise, you shake, and your mind takes a seat and forgets everything you were about to say, you’ve got to stand up and do it anyway; others feel the same as you, go for what you want.

Emotions. Taking back control of your feelings, don’t worry if someone else wouldn’t feel as sensitive or as insecure, or if you’re overacting, don’t ask, would someone else think this? Ask why you believe or feel it? It’s as good or as bad as it is to you. Validate your feelings. You are allowed them. Often they are there for a reason. You feel sensitive around those who cause you to feel hurt. You feel insecure around those you can not trust. You feel anxious around those who feed your anxiety.

“Our mind controls our emotions. We control our mind.”

Find your sense of humour. Whatever it is to you, things that have happened are horrific and happened. You can not change the past. You can change your future. When we live feeling sad, we live a sad life. When we live feeling depressed, we live an unhappy life. When we take ownership of our own feelings no matter what others throw our way, when we laugh at thing that is supposed to destroy us, that laughter lifts us. Yes, some horrible things happen in life. That’s life. We get to define the meaning we give to toxic situations internally.

Give yourself some foundations to work from, and most buildings have solid foundations to stand tall. Start building your foundations today, learn your boundaries of things you will and will not accept, learn to say no, look for something you enjoy doing for yourself or things you enjoyed in the past, to give your life meaning, and think about what direction you’d like to go in, you don’t need to know how you’ll get there, just the foundations and the blueprint if that blueprint is a six-month plan or five-year plan. Just create an idea of where you’d like to be. You can always change it, just like getting in that car. If you don’t know where you are going or driving blind, you could end up in a mess. If you type a destination into the sat-nav, you might not know the final destination, but you’ll find the way, and if you spot somewhere more fun along the way, you can change the direction.

Write things down. Start putting your goals on paper, as many as you can, at least five, read the daily, add to them, cross them off once achieved and add more. You are limitless.

The power within your thoughts. Learning to take care and manage your own Thoughts correctly to serve you. Who you are, who you want to be, how you want to live, and where you want to go.

Remember, you’re allowed mistakes. We all make them. We learn to correct them. That’s how we learn and grow.

How narcissists twist the story.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – A life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Overcoming self-doubts.

Emotions.

Eleven Manipulative Mind Games Narcissists Play To Keep Control Over You.

Common Games Narcissistic people play with our minds.

When you are around a narcissistic person, they do all they can to keep control over you. Most of us don’t see this happening until we are so far under their manipulative spell that we have to crawl, stumble, walk and then run out of the situation we have ended up in. A narcissist can be anyone in your life, family members, friends, and in the workplace, no contact is always the best approach, yet this isn’t always possible. Hence, the next best thing is, knowing the mind games they play, understanding why they do this, and that no matter what you try, they will not change their ways. No matter how many times you change yours, often losing your sense of self along the way, you’ll never do right by them, not because of you, because they have a disorder, you’ll never be enough for them, and you don’t need to be, all you ever need to be is good enough for you, find and stay true to your authentic self, let them live how they want to live, leave them to it. You live how you want to live for yourself. No, it’s not easy, but once you start, you begin to realise it is possible, and it is a much better way to live your life. Some are extremely dangerous, and they are all manipulative, so as much as I’m all for consequences, and justice, sometimes the best way to handle these people is to leave them in the past and walk into your future without them, doing whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

Knowing your boundaries and sticking to them will help you.

Narcissists want control over your life. They want to train you to make all your life choices through them. It’s a battle of wills between you wanting to please them and be you. In contrast, they want control over you, and when we don’t understand what they do, the narcissist often wins. Yet, when we know what’s happening, we have the power to take back control of our lives, our thoughts, and our feelings by being ourselves and giving them no reactions and no attention.

A narcissist wants you to

    To justify all your decisions through them.
    To sabotage you.
  • To fear them.
  • To play you off against others.
  • To isolate you.
  • To punish you.
  • To control your Finances.

Eleven narcissist manipulative mind games.

1. Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse, a tactic the narcissist uses to get the target to lose their exact version of reality. You might have heard phrases such as, “That didn’t happen.” “You imagine things.” “You’re crazy.” And many more from the narcissist.

These phrases disable your Self-Trust, your ability to trust in others, and it slowly distorts your reality, events that did or did not happen, and who you indeed are. With prolonged gaslighting abuse, targets of the narcissist often are left with inner conflict and can potentially end up gaslighting themselves, as gaslighting causes Cognitive Dissonance, within the target’s mind.

How to recover from gaslighting.

Write things down, keep notes of everything you need to until you can see what the narcissist does to you, and then observe their behaviour. Don’t absorb. Don’t look to the narcissist for any reality checks, answers or closure. Listen to your instincts, online support groups or trusted friends.

2. The nonsense conversation of crazy-making.

If you’d like a normal, calm, pleasant conversation or discussion, even a debate, or to come to some form of Compromise with a narcissist, if you don’t know what they are, your Boundaries will be broken, you’ll have no clue as to what actually just happened, although if you question the narcissist, they’ll tell you exactly how to think, as they throw word salad your way and completely mess with your mind. They will gaslight, project, blame-shift, talk over you, shout at you, they’ll do all they can to send you feeling confused and frustrated, distract you from the truth or the actual conversation, and make you feel guilty or to blame. In their minds, if you disagree with them, you are wrong.

How to disarm.

No contact is the best method, don’t fight your enemy, they know all your weaknesses, and they will use them against you. Walk away from any argument. If you can not walk away, focus on something else and don’t let your ears take in their words. Observe. Don’t absorb. If it is about children or anything they disagree on or they, don’t want to compromise on, do not let them take you off-topic. In a calm, rational voice, stick to facts. Only tell them once. If they don’t want to talk about it, that’s their choice. You also have the opportunity not to discuss what they are dragging you into. You don’t have to take part in every argument you are invited to. Retreat, rethink and only respond if needed. Do not break your boundaries, as when they’ve taken down one, and they will come after them all.

3. Projection.

This is the narcissist’s defence mechanism not to take responsibility for their actions, to place their toxic, negative, hurtful and sometimes dangerous actions onto someone else, to avoid accountability and not accept responsibility. They are unwilling and often unable to ever see themselves as the problem. Whatever they do wrong, someone else always makes them do it. They will not acknowledge their faults, flaws or wrongdoings. Instead of admitting or apologising or working on their inner selves, they’d prefer to pass it all over onto someone else. They will blame and shift everything onto other people. The only time they will Apologies is when they believe it will meet a need of their own, and this is often done by blaming the other party. “If you’d have done this, I wouldn’t have done that.” Or ” because you didn’t let me, I had to do it.” They will change the subject to you to avoid any responsibility for their actions.

How to disarm.

Don’t project your good caring, empathetic nature into them, as they will only ever take you further under, and you can not help them. You can help yourself. Don’t listen to their toxic words. Observe. Don’t absorb; they are admitting their wrongdoings with what they are trying to blame you for. The closest you’ll get to the truth from a narcissist is the things they accuse you of or what they are accusing others of. If possible, if you can just cut all ties with them and go no contact.

4. Changing the goalposts and always nitpicking at you.

While there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, a narcissist will only ever give destructive criticism, sometimes disguised as constructive. Narcissistic people are extremely Jealous and Envious of those around them; they do not want people to better themselves; they want you to fail. They will pull people down, nitpick and scapegoat others. Anything you do well at, they will find a way to take credit for. Or drag you down over it. They will also raise the goalposts. Every time you believe you’ve got it all worked out and life’s right again. They will up the ante. They will make sure by the time they’ve finished with you, you’re an empty shell of your former self, lacking in self-work, self-confidence, and self-respect. Instead of helping you with insecurities and weaknesses, they will rip them all wide open and watch you bleed out. You will bend over backwards to help and please them, and they will continue their hideous manipulation.

How to disarm.

If someone doesn’t want to help bring out the best in you, then they are not worthy of you. Let them go, leave them in the past. Find genuine people who love you for who you are, change your Limiting Beliefs and start to believe in yourself.

5. Overt and Covert Threats.

Due to the narcissist’s false sense of entitlement and that they think they are above all others. They will make unreasonable demands of you, and if you don’t conform, they, through the silent treatment, gaslighting and many more manipulative tactics, will punish you. They will threaten to punish you. Overts are more outspoken. They’ll say things more like. “You’ll lose your home and children, a Covert would say. ” how do you think you’ll manage without me.” All to place fear and doubts in your mind.

How to disarm. Keep a diary of any threats, and call the authorities to build up a picture of the abuse.

6. Name-calling.

They do this to fill you with self-doubt and insecurities and alter your beliefs, opinions and reality. Things like ” are you going to wear that.” The Covert way or “you look fat/ far too thin in that.” The Overts way. Due to their real lack of self-worth and sense of entitlement, they will call you “idiot, stupid, insecure, sensitive.” Anything they can to break you down.

How to disarm. Don’t play the game; remember, it’s a reflection of who they are, not who you are. I’m all for don’t judge others. You’ve not lived their life, yet if someone wants to belittle others, make the judgment that they are toxic, turn your ears off, know yourself so well that others can no longer use you against you, then walk the other way.

7. Lovebomb, devalue, discard, hoover.

At the start, they will Mirror everything about you and come across as your perfect soulmate. Then they will slowly take you down, to just up and leave. When you think you can not take any more, they swoop back in, playing all nice to sweep you off your feet again. This is a pattern they will repeat. At the same time, people who don’t see who they are genuinely allow them to do so.

How to disarm. When you meet someone who’s taking things way too fast and wanting to move in, watch their reactions when you say no. Do they accept it or keep coming at you until you give in. The only way to stop the cycle is to get out and stay out. No contact is the best thing you can do.

8. Smear campaigns and stalking.

When a narcissistic person can no longer control you or control who you are yourself, they will do their best to control how others see you. Through playing the victim or playing the hero, they will go all out to bring you down, they also might stalk you in order to put fear in your mind, and so you’re always living on the edge.

How to disarm. Stay mindful, do not react to their games. This is hard to start. It is human nature to want to defend yourself. By defending yourselves, you are playing straight into their hands. Be prepared when you don’t play their games. They will up their games, call authorities over any stalking issues, check your phone and car for tracking devices, stay alert but keep living your life for you.

9. Appealing to your emotions.

Instead of using any form of logic, they will appeal to your fear, guilt, loyalty, and caring side. A narcissist lacks in emotional Empathy., so they can not feel how someone might feel. Yet, they often have cognitive empathy, meaning that they can think empathetically and use your caring side against you. Whatever the situation requires them to do, it’s always to meet their own need at that time. They will also use over the top pity plays on you. Things like. “My ex cheated on me, and I know how it feels, so I’d never do that to you.” Or. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Then the. “After everything, I’ve done for you, and you’ll not do this one thing for me.”

How to disarm. Listen to your instincts; if something doesn’t feel right, most likely, it’s not. Remove all guilt from your past. Let it go, so it doesn’t eat into your future.

10. Pressure.

“Everyone else is doing it. My ex used to let me. My friend’s partner let them.” “You’re brother/sister would.” Again making you feel guilty or inadequate to get you to break down your boundaries.

How to disarm. Remember, first, the others probably aren’t, and even if they are or did, they are not you. You are entitled to live your life your way, exactly how you want to. You need a million ways to say no, and once you’ve said it, stick to that no. You do not need to explain or even continue the conversation.

11. False compromise.

If they look like they’re going to meet you halfway, think again, so if you pay for a holiday when they say they’ll pay you half, they might not pay at all once paid, or they might offer 25% and justify with something they’ve done for you. Or something you haven’t done as to why they shouldn’t pay anymore.

How to disarm.

Do not loan people money who don’t pay you back. Learn after the first time, don’t give others the benefit of the doubt. People can make a genuine mistake and do so more than once, they will apologise sincerely, and they will have to give and take Abilities within good people.

Stay strong, keep learning, keep working on yourself, keep healing and keep growing.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Boundaries.

Nine signs of a covert narcissist.

You’re not crazy! What Narcissistic Abuse Does To You.

The Difference Between A Narcissists Behaviour And Protecting Yourself.

You are not the same.

Coming to the realisation you’ve been abused mentally by any narcissist in your life, be it a friend, boss, partner, adult child or parent, it is devastating to realise you’ve been manipulated and taken apart bit by bit until you’ve been left confused, heartbroken and not sure where to start in rebuilding your life, it is devastating.

First, be proud that you’ve taken steps to find out more and take control back of your life. Sometimes the advice on the internet can be confusing, as most survivors at some point question if they are the narcissist. The information on how to handle them can seem narcissistic, so here are a few examples and the difference between a narcissist and you.

Silent treatment and no contact.

The narcissist uses the Silent treatment to cause you pain. The silent treatment is psychological abuse. To get you to doubt yourself, blame yourself and do all you can to make it up to the narcissist to relieve yourself from the pain, the silent treatment is used to hurt you, punish you, control you.

No contact is not to cause them pain, and it’s not to get them to come running and apologise. It’s not used as a punishment. It’s to kindly walk away from someone who continues to let you down and hurt you. It’s to protect yourself from the narcissist’s negative, toxic, hurtful ways. It’s to leave them in your past, so they can go left and get on with their lives, and you can go right and move on to a much happier life for yourself.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

The narcissists ”I’m sorry you feel that way.” Is to shift the blame for anything they have done onto you, or anything they haven’t done that they promised to do, so the narcissist can avoid taking any responsibility for their own actions and remove all accountability, to cause you to React, so you might try to explain yourself to them, which they then twist and turn the conversation, leaving you frustrated and full of anger and resentment, those who’ve been around a narcissist will have noticed they never show genuine Empathy towards you, when you are hurt, angry, or emotional, either from actions they have done towards you or situations outside of your control that has happened in your life, they don’t help lift your spirits, acknowledge your feelings. Instead, they Invalidate them, pull you down, and make you feel worse.

If you are not able to go, no contact your “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It is used to defuse any argument, to stop them Twisting the story, to stop them from taking you off-topic, to stop yourself from taking all the responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behaviour, to prevent them from guilt-tripping you into doing something you told them you wouldn’t do, and pass the responsibility back to the rightful owner. Often you might actually feel sorry that they think the way they do or that they are unwilling or unable to understand a two-way Conversation and want to control everyone. Still, you have learned there is no reasoning with these people. With genuine people, feelings can be unintentionally hurt, yet you’d be able to talk it through, perhaps not straight away, but when one or both have calmed down. With a narcissist, it’s their way, or you’ll be punished way.

Discard and ending the relationship.

The narcissist’s Discard is often done in the cruellest and sometimes calculating ways, usually when you least expect it or when you need them the most. Again this is seemingly done to cause you as much psychological pain as possible, with no closure given, so you chase them for answers, which often helps their smear campaigns against you. You have to leave them to it and find your own closure. You’ll never get honest answers from a narcissist. The closest you’ll get to the truth is the smear campaign stories they told you about what others have done to them, which is often what they did to the other person. Parents can cut children off in cruel ways. Adult children, when mum or dad don’t do what they want, can cut their parents off in brutal ways.

When you end the relationship, as hard as it is, because often, as hurtful as they are, you care, you want to help them. You want to make it work, possibly still googling ( Can a narcissist change.) you believe you should be there for your parents, your child, your children to have a two-parent household as society claims it should be, you end the relationship because you know the long term pain of staying is worse than the short term pain of leaving, it’s not done to hurt them, it’s done to save yourself.

The narcissist hoover, when you want or take the narcissist back.

The narcissists’ Hoover or re-idealisation is done because they want something from you, not because they love or care, as they lack in genuine empathy to be able to care for you genuinely. The narcissist could just be in need of attention. It could be money, somewhere to live, a babysitter for the grandchildren, whatever they need. They come back to Idealise you because they want something from you. Once achieved, they will devalue you and discard you again as soon as things are not going how they want.

You took them back or wanted them again due to the Trauma bond, caring for them and wanting to help them, wanting to make the relationship work. To be there for your parents or your child, for wanting your partner to love you, doing your best to remember the good times, and most often with the narcissists Gaslighting which they Blame shifted all the problems onto you, you believe everything is your fault. Most people think if they change, they can make it work. You were never a problem. You tried as many ways as you could consider to make it work. The narcissist has a disorder. The disorder is the problem. It’s not an excuse. The disorder is a reason behind why no one will ever be good enough for a narcissist. You are good enough, and you are worthy. They are just too narcissistic to see you for you.

Smear campaign and talk therapy.

The Smear Campaign by the narcissist is done to annihilate your good character, so they are not exposed for exactly what they do to others. The anger and resentment they hold towards others, and as most blame all others, the smear campaign can be done to try and destroy those who dare to stand up to the narcissist and say No more.

You talking to others is to raise awareness, get help, and understanding of everything you’ve been through. Even if you go through a stage of wanting Revenge ( normal human emotions with what you’ve been through.), most genuine people do feel bad if they see a narcissist’s downfall caused by them. As you are not a narcissist, you will often feel guilt if you manage to hurt a narcissist.

Abuse and reactive abuse.

The narcissist’s mental or physical abuse is done to put fear into you, Intimidation to keep you trapped and do as they say. Arguments to twist you off-topic and have their own way. Threats to make you fawn ( with highly traumatic, dangerous situations, real or perceived.) people can Fawn, meaning they give in to the abuser’s demands, believing this will protect them from further harm.

We do all have to be responsible for our own actions and whether abuse is provoked or not, abuse is abuse. However, if you reacted, you most likely felt or feel guilty. You’ve got to let the guilt go and see the situation in its entirety. ( as a narcissist will gaslight you by downplaying their behaviour and exaggerating yours.) be responsible for our own actions and pass responsibility back for theirs, then learn people who bring out your ugly side as most people have their own limits, and people that push you to them are not the people you want in your life. This isn’t a case of learning self-control. It’ll be alright, although we are all responsible for our own actions, with people who do provoke you, sometimes the self-control needs to be no longer associating with them, leaving them to live their life while you go live yours.

Reactive Abuse is often done either because you’ve been pushed to your limits or to defend yourself.

Narcissist’s entitlement and your entitlement.

Narcissists feel entitled to have what they want when they want, with no regard to the feelings of those around them.

You’re entitled to live life how you want, and this is not done to hurt others or to exploit others.

The narcissist is putting all their needs first and your self-care.

The narcissist believes they are above all others and their needs come first no matter what harm it causes to those around them and with no empathy to who they hurt along the way of getting their needs met, they are selfish as they believe it’s all about them.

Self-care is so you can be at your best to give your best—self-care and putting your needs first. You’re not doing it to harm others. It’s to find your inner happiness to give your best to others.

The narcissist’s grandiosity and your confidence.

The narcissists charm is used to manipulate those around them for their own gain. A narcissist often feels great rage if criticised, and this isn’t genuine confidence. What they actually are is arrogant, which can at first come across as confidence.

Inner confidence is knowing who you are, who you want to be, so the toxic words of others no longer impact your life. Knowing you define you, looking at constructive criticism, yet not worrying about the judgement from others, this is your life for you, not for others to bring you down. You define who you are.

The narcissist is moving straight on, and if you date again soon afterwards.

Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live or to prove that they are not the problem; most narcissists will have a primary ‘golden someone.’ Golden child, golden worker, golden friend, and a ‘scapegoat.’ Who they pass all the blame onto, and the narcissist will switch roles on these people to meet the narcissist’s needs at that time. Most narcissists have a pattern of behaviour, moving from one person to another.

You’re looking for a life partner, someone to care for who cares for you, share life experiences with.

The narcissist’s parental alienation and your safeguarding of the children.

The narcissist uses Children to try and destroy the healthy parent, often causing psychological harm to the child also.

When your child becomes scared and anxious, you stop contact to help your child. No doubt you’ve tried all you can to keep contact until you were left with little to no choice. Most parents will have tried all they could to keep a relationship going with the child and the other parent, not always because they care for the parent because they care for the child and their beliefs become torn between the child having contact with the parent, and the child’s mental health.

Victim narcissist and a victim mindset.

The narcissist plays Victim to seek attention and smear the name of others, to gain attention and make people feel sorry for them, to avoid responsibility and to pass all the blame for things wrong within their life onto others.

You were the victim of an abuser, and most often for fear of judgment, perhaps you didn’t speak out, or if you did, it was to receive the help and support you need. Yet, you will move from the victim, into a survivor and onto the thriver. One day the stories you tell will be to help others through, not to gain sympathy.

Remember, you and the narcissist are not the same. They run around never genuinely admitting Fault, always blaming all others.

You took responsibility for everything, and you took all the blame. You tried to help and support them.

If the person you are dealing with has a narcissistic personality disorder or not, if they are mentally or physically abusive to you, they are not the people you need in your life. We can all be narcissistic. That doesn’t make us a narcissist. We can not diagnose others as having the disorder. Most professionals struggle to diagnose as a narcissist is a pathological liar. As most believe their lies to be the truth, they are compelling.

The easiest way to spot a narcissist is saying” No.” either ” Sorry, I’ve got plans.” or ”Sorry I am not ready for you to move in.” or sorry I don’t want to loan you money.” sit back and watch them tantrum, either by pleading with you, sulking at you, pity plays, the ”if you loved me you would.” and the rest. Now people not on the disorder can do this. Still, once they get what you’ve said, they will accept it, drop it and let it go. A narcissist, however, if you are dealing with someone on the disorder, in the idealisation stage, they might drop it. Still, at some point, they will try again, and again, and again, until they break down your Boundaries one by one. You need to know yourself so well, and you are not worried about judgment from others, offending others, as others opinions of you do not define you. You define yourself, and with good intentions, there’s no wrong way or right way to be who you want to be.

When we spend our lives living for the approval of others, we spend our lives frustrated, not knowing who we indeed are.

You’re not living this way to hurt people, you’re living this way to be yourself.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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The Narcissists Coercive And Controlling Behaviour.

Is someone in your life, or have you ever had someone in your life controlling you without you even knowing it? You trust in others, believing and knowing we all make mistakes, yet we all love and care for each other. People surely don’t go around hurting and wanting to destroy others. How could they? We often think that is something that happens in movies or on very rare occasions. So when it happens to us, we are left questioning, Do they even have the essential compassion and empathy to care? Unfortunately, as a lot of you might already know or coming to realise, if a narcissist raised you or you had a narcissistic partner, some people simply only care about themselves only interested in meeting their own needs. What they gain from other people, then they throw you away, discard you, like you never truly mattered to them.

One criteria for the narcissist personality disorder is a lack of empathy, so narcissistic people are either unwilling or unable to identify with the feelings of another. Narcissists are exploitative, another criteria for the disorder, so they will happily take advantage of others to meet their own needs. They tend to require excessive admiration and often feel criticism when things aren’t going their way as they believe they are entitled, so narcissistic people have unreasonable expectations that others should just comply with their demands, and narcissists use many manipulation tactics to control those around them.

Coercive controlling behaviour is a pattern of behaviour where someone will covertly control another person’s life through perceived love or perceived fear.

A narcissist will covertly, so more often than not, subtly take control over another’s life without that person even realising. Narcissists don’t walk in and straight out take control over another’s life as most people would turn around and walk straight back out. Narcissists swoop in and sweep people off their feet, narcissists love-bomb, idealise, future fake, they breadcrumb, they reward and give intermittent rest bites. Narcissists use so many manipulation games to keep people unwittingly trapped within their relationship with them.

Coercive controlling behaviour is another pattern of behaviour a narcissist will use to keep control over another person.

A narcissist can coercively control someone out of perceived love, so the narcissist will influence the person into believing the narcissist is genuine, the narcissist loves and cares for the person, wants what is best for that person, or through perceived fear, whereas a narcissist is going to intimidate and threaten another into confirming to the narcissist’s demands, where people are too scared to stand up to the narcissist for fear of repercussions from the narcissist. A narcissist will do all they can to keep control over their reality and the perceived reality of those around them.

Nine signs some is trying to control your life without you realising what they are doing.

1. Controlling behaviour.

A narcissist wants to influence you into making decisions that suit them. They want to discreetly gain control over your day to day life while influencing you into believing you’re making your own choices. Often a narcissist will do this through perceived love, where they’ll be claiming they want what’s best for you, or through perceived fear, where the narcissist will threaten with some form of punishment if you don’t tow their line, or from reactions of the narcissist’s silence in the past, so you fear upsetting them and do as they say.

A Narcissist will try to control your feelings. They’ll go all out to influence you into feeling a way that is of benefit to the narcissist. If a narcissist wants negative reactions, they’ll provoke anger. If they want praise, they’ll offer those acts of kindness to provoke feelings of gratitude, and a narcissist will expect eternal gratitude.

A narcissist will try to control how you behave to help in their smear campaigns, where you go to isolate yourself from support, they’ll try to control your financial resources, they’ll try to control your hobbies and your career, to keep control over you and your life.

2. Isolation.

A narcissist will go all out to isolate you from support, isolating you from emotional support, isolation from financial support, isolating you from friends and family, hobbies and careers, creating atmospheres or environments. Hence, you have the minimal time and minimal resources to do the things you enjoy and be with the people who genuinely care. The narcissist might discredit your beliefs, invalidate your thoughts, and discredit the intentions of your friends and family, as once you’re isolated from support, it’s easier for the narcissist to gain control over your life.

3. A narcissists monitoring of you.

A narcissist will monitor your social media, your spending, your whereabouts, what you wear, what you eat, and when and where you sleep. A narcissist wants to monitor what you’re doing so they can control what you do.

A Narcissist will keep records of things they’ve done for you to use against you, “what about when I did.” They’ll keep records of times you haven’t done something for them, “if only you had, what about when you didn’t.“

Narcissistic people aren’t coming from a place of honesty, respect, loyalty, understanding, compassion, give and take. They’re coming from a place of control and getting everything their own way.

4. They don’t compromise.

Narcissists don’t settle disagreements. They create disagreements and then accuse you of trying to cause an argument. A narcissist will create conflict while playing the victim every time you need to discuss something, and they’ll claim you’re creating the drama or that they don’t want to argue, so nothing gets resolved.

A narcissist seeks to control you by finding any way they can to take your voice away from you.

Be careful stepping away from those who treat you in these ways as narcissistic people do not like losing control.

5. The narcissists guilt trips.

A narcissist will act all offended by your values, beliefs and your opinions when you create boundaries around who you are as a person. When a narcissist keeps a record, they’ll fire things back at you and say, “what about when I did this for you? You never did that for me,” to make you feel bad, to control your feelings to coercively control you through obligation into doing something for them that went again who you are. Or to guilt-trip you into not doing something for yourself that isn’t of benefit to the narcissist, isolating you, “so your friends are more important than me?” To stop you from going out and doing the things you enjoy doing.

Narcissists are looking to guilt trip you so they can sabotage who you are as a person. To control your finances. If you have children, they’re going to place as many obstacles as possible to stop you from working if working is what you’d like to do, such as “ well if you don’t care for the children.” to guilt and shame you into not doing what’s right for you.

6. A narcissist will shame you.

A narcissist will get you questioning your judgment, opinions, values, and beliefs. If your perception of reality doesn’t match that of the narcissists, the narcissist will go all out to make you feel like you are in some way wrong because the narcissist themselves always has to be right. A narcissist wants you to question who you are as a person, so you don’t question who they are as a person. A fragile narcissist will play the victim of “I knew you’d take their side,” to guilt you into feeling bad for not agreeing with them, to get you feeling like you’ve offended the narcissist, to get you questioning if there’s something wrong with your judgment, your reality, something wrong with your perception, so you’re conditioned by the narcissist into taking on board their opinions as your own, slowly losing your opinions and your voice. Even if you still have your own opinions, a narcissist will shame you into that much self-doubt. You’ll question and overanalyse your own, becoming too afraid to speak up for fear of judgment or fear of offending those around you.

A narcissist will go all out to humiliate you. If they can do this in front of an audience so they can isolate you, get you second-guessing what others think of you, getting others to laugh at your expense, this works in a narcissist’s favour as you lose your voice to the narcissist and to those around you.

A narcissist will blame you for everything that goes wrong not only within your life but also in their life. So you’re forever apologising to them and those around you for things you didn’t even do.

A narcissist will invalidate you into no longer feeling enough, and intimidate you, so you fear being yourself.

7. The narcissist claiming they care.

Narcissistic parents with their “this is going to hurt me more than it will you,” a narcissist will hurt you while they claim it’s because they love you, they’ll lie to you while claiming you can’t handle the truth when in reality it’s the lie that hurts more than the truth, narcissistic people lie to force you into making a choice you wouldn’t make with full disclosure of all relevant information, which hurts us more.

A narcissist will love bomb you just enough to make you feel like they want what’s best for you, not realising they are sabotaging you. “Do you really think you should do that? I wouldn’t do that if I was you, it’s only because I care.”

8. Hiding things from you.

A narcissist will stoop as low as to hiding your car keys from you, so you can’t get to work, can’t see your friends, often then finding them for you later and expecting eternal gratitude for doing so, “if it wasn’t for me finding your keys.” So they influence you into believing they’re helping you while the narcissist is covertly sabotaging and distracting you. They will hide financial information, how many children they have. A narcissist can be some of the most secretive people you’ve ever met because they’ve got things to hide.

A narcissist will create feelings of intrigue within you while creating doubt within you while creating fear within you, so you dare not discuss things with them for fear of repercussion from them, getting ignored, insulted, shamed, blamed, humiliated, threatened, and you’ve no one to speak to because they’re already isolated you.

9. No longer able to enjoy life.

Be it the environment you end up In or the atmosphere a narcissist creates, they get you to a point where you can no longer enjoy, let alone do, all the everyday things you used to do. A narcissist will drain you, so you no longer have the energy to do the things you love to do, or they’ll provoke that much fear and self-doubt within you to stop you from doing the things you enjoy.

A Narcissist will claim your anxious, depressed or crazy, and as they’ve provoked these very feelings within you, you again question yourself and not what the narcissist is doing to you.

Narcissists want to control, which is why they coercively control not only you but those around you, through love or through fear, through sweetness or through tears.

Finding a safe way out is always one of the first steps in recovery

  • Write down what truly happened to put your memory and reality back also to look through if you have doubts and want to reach out and get in touch with them.
  • Remove the abuser’s negative thoughts from your mind, and start to put your own in, “I am good enough. I do deserve better. I am worth it.” And keep going until you have removed them and you’re thinking for yourself again.
  • Start putting yourself first. When travelling on a plane, if the cabin pressure drops, and you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others, you have to be at your best, now is the time always to be kind to yourself first, then be kinds to others.
  • Get creative, write, draw, sing, paint, garden, play an instrument, find your creative side again.
  • If you feel ok to do so, share your story with others that understand you, getting it out of your mind space, some people don’t want to out loud. This is normal. Write it out and destroy it to get it out, or keep it to refer back to.
  • Connect with genuine people, reach out to old family and friends. You might have to ditch your pride for this. Genuine family and friends will understand and be there for you, step out of your comfort zone and, find places to meet new people, surround yourself with positive people now.
  • Dress how you want to dress for yourself, do the things you love doing for yourself and might have been stopped from doing them, go for that run, join the gym, hoover when you want, sleep when you want, eat what you want, when you want.
  • Create new routines for you, remove reminders of them.
  • Take control of your diet and exercise. Just start drinking a little more water and taking a walk. Yoga, meditation are extremely good. Dance to music on your phone.


Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook.

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram.

On Pinterest.

On LinkedIn.

The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

The full course.

Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse. 

The free course.

Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse. 

Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here for more information about narcissist personality disorder. 

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex. 

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. You will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.