The Ageing Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The ageing narcissist.

Do the narcissist’s games ever stop?

Can they ever recover?

Narcissist seems to be invincible, running around, stealing hearts, minds, physical health, home, children and belongings.

not that anyone owns children, yet narcissistic people believe the children to be their property.

They just don’t seem to stop and never seem to be held accountable, just running around destroying people’s lives, then driving off into the sunset onto the next person they are about to destroy.

Nothing and no one seems to be able to stop them from destroying those around them, worse still they have no remorse for the things they do to those around them.

What is the fate of a narcissist?

You might be wondering, why you as a good person has had your life destroyed, whilst the narcissist swans on onto a new life. You might be asking, where is the karma?

Karma hits them, every second of every day, even if the narcissist walked away with everything and you’ve ended up with nothing, possessions aren’t happiness, they are an illusion, I’m not denying it nice to have nice things, but it’s more vital that you get your happiness from within, you are now free to do this, you will have nice things Again.

People with all the possessions in the world and people with none can be happy.

People with all the possessions in the world and people with none can be miserable.

A narcissist deep inside will always be miserable, always searching for external happiness, the narcissist does not have a true sense of self-worth.

If right now your left devastated and miserable, you can rise and you can climb out of it, then whether you become extremely wealthy or not. You’ll not need Material items, to be happy, you’ll be happy within yourself, you’ll be grateful for them.

Your relationship with your self is the most important thing.

as they are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, they just can no over the past to see any mistakes they’ve made to reflect or change their behaviour, it a disorder that is on a spectrum, they have a disorder and they can not change that and without the ability to reflect, they can not learn ways to manage the disorder as once they’ve created their own reality they will stick to that reality and blame all others, also they believe they are entitled to do as they please, as they also might suffer from cognitive distortion. This means they have categories of automatic thinking.

They are always right.

As the lack in empathy they will prioritise themselves over others, they will actively try and prove that their thoughts and actions are always correct and others are wrong, the black and white thinking, no middle ground. It’s either good or it’s bad and nothing is in between to them.

Always Blaming others.

Even if they intentionally inflict emotional distress onto others, cause harm to others, they will hold that person responsible for their actions towards them, the narcissist will make a reality up of why it’s always someone else fault.

There is a thing called the narcissists collapses, they might have pushed everyone away. The overt have grown old lost the looks and charm they relied upon for years, people around them have just seen through their toxic nature when all those around them just start to wake up. whatever it is one day that mask slips and their true selves are shown to all.

They seem to have a mental breakdown down, they become withdrawn, depressed and often isolated. They can no longer face the world as that would mean facing themselves.

From what I’ve read most narcissists, never get past the collapse and they spend the rest of their days alone and miserable, blaming all those around them.

As a narcissist grows older they lose their popularity.

A narcissist can not sub-stain long term healthy relationships.

As they age they lose the ability to charm so easily and can no longer bring in new people. They are often left with no support for their ageing health problems.

Those with substance abuse or other addictions and debts leave them constantly searching for more and destroying themselves in the process.

Some narcissists become more critical as they get older. As all narcissist play victim from Time to Time, some will switch to victim mode as they age.

No matter what a narcissist owns, or whoever they are with, they get bored of them, they need more, they’re always looking for something bigger and better.

A narcissist is so happy with new people or new items, yet it’s only ever temporary, Then they see someone else has got what they believe to be something better, belongings, money and privileges do not actually provide true happiness.

People who are abused by a narcissist who is determined to heal. Will heal and the narcissist will no longer be able to affect them.

A narcissist can not feel true love, not even for themselves. They can not feel you love them as they’re always looking for more. They don’t heal, they don’t heal themselves.

More and more people are healing, becoming stronger, taking control back of their own lives. Then they lose the fear of the narcissist. They calmly and clearly go to court and they win, narcissistic people need your fear to hurt you. The more you stand up to them and no longer fear them, they can no longer hurt you.

When a narcissist falls, they fall badly. It crushes a narcissist when they don’t win.

As narcissistic people age, they slowly get destroyed. They’ve left destruction all along with their lives. Narcissist age and lose their looks, they lose their ability to charm and intimidate others, they lose their power, they lose their jobs, all narcissist end up facing their tortured selves. That they never healed.

You can love yourself again, you can love others, others will love you, the best relationship you can have is the one with yourself, you can learn, you can grow, you have the strength and the power within you to create a new much happier, healthier life for you. You can and you will.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

Revenge and karma.

Narcissistic Mothers.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Did you have a narcissistic mother?

Normal mothers love and nurture, yes they make mistakes but they do their best to make you feel, secure, safe, loved, cared for and accepted, make you feel complete and whole from the inside, feeling you are loved for who you are.

When you’re raised with a narcissistic mother it doesn’t turn out this way, often left depressed, empty and broken, then falling into a relationship after relationship with narcissistic people. You grow up believing you are unlovable.

It’s not an excuse, but these narcissistic parents have usually suffered some form of trauma themselves to kick in the survival mode, unfortunately, people who’ve been hurt can then go around hurting others, not always the case but one sibling may grow to be a narcissist, and one grow with great empathy for others, they may all grow with empathy and attract narcissistic partners as they don’t know any different and want to people please, you learn to accept behaviour from your parents in childhood that you should have never accepted as you didn’t know any different, or they may all grow up with a lot of narcissistic traits, narcissistic psychopaths are born that way, narcissistic sociopaths and narcissist are usually created during childhood trauma, as they go into the human survival instinct of the fight mode and fail to step back out of it.

Sometimes we end up with a narcissistic partner because one or both parents were narcissistic.

Was either every single aspect of your childhood controlled by your mother? Or were you completely ignored like you didn’t even exist? Or they might try and live through you, living her dreams by pushing them onto you and not allowing you to learn your own dreams.

When you’re growing up you look up to your parents as role models, if they were narcissistic you developed coping mechanism to survive.

So what is the difference between a narcissistic mother and a normal mother?

Most parents want the best for their children, most are proud and most think their children are beautiful. Most will discipline their children, most like to show off about their children and most do have grumpy days, that may result in snapping at their children, this is normal.

The most common signs your mother was a narcissist is they denied you the right to be yourself, to discover who you are, they have no empathy for you or how you felt.

Was the image outside the family home always perfect, yet inside was completely different?

Signs your mother was a narcissist.

Were they always ruining special occasions? Finding ways to make it all about them?

Were they never wrong? Would they twist everything to blame you? Did they never apologise?

Did they never seem to take your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board?

Did they always criticise you and put you down?

If you were Gaslighted and controlled by your mother she is most likely a narcissist.

Were you constantly insulted by your mother?

Did she always take you to the doctors for issues you didn’t know you had?

Did they deny you love and affection unless you achieved something?

You could never share thought or feelings, as they would be used against you.

Did your mother always, lie, manipulate and try to control you?

Did she always take the credit for your achievements?

Did you feel like your mother was always competing with you?

Did your mother just constantly storm your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy?

Did she deliberately break things you owned?

Did she always guilt trip you?

Always spoke of their problems with you, but never listened to yours?

If you said anything to her about her she didn’t like, did she smack you, send you to your room or screen at you?

Were you the forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your mother or the scapegoat always being blamed?

Did you feel like you had to parent your own mother, take care of her, comfort her, not just because she was under the weather but all the time?

If you’re a people pleaser it might just be because your mother was a narcissist. Do you feel shame or guilt? Constantly trying your best so that all others like you. You may have always felt empty inside like you don’t deserve happiness, you may have trust issues, you may find your emotions hard to deal with. You may find it difficult to say no, creating and enforcing boundaries, little self-worth and self-love if you felt this way growing up, and into adulthood, you might be full of anxiety, you may have always had to defend yourself to your mother, often doubting reality around her. it could be because you had a narcissistic mother.

Boys might grow to spend every relationship trying to turn the women into something their mother wasn’t when the women fail to take away that deeply hidden inner trauma, they punish them, trying to pay back their mother who was the person who caused them so much, pain anger and resentment. Then those women become damaged traumatised and start to act out of anger also.

The girls grow to mirror her mother’s insecurities and be the mother to her children that her mother was to her, often being abusive to her partner.

Sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers may grow up to become a co-dependant.

When you spend your entire life trying to get your mothers approval and support, and no matter what you do, it’s not there. It’s an incredibly tough way to grow up, it shapes who you are. The good news is you can recover and reshape yourself to who you want to be if you put the work in. You can heal those wounds overcome the mindset and inner self that’s been drilled into you from such a young age. You can evolve and have a much happier future.

You may have only just stumbled across the word narcissism because of your ex, it might only just be occurring to you that one, or both of your parents were narcissists. You may still be in contact with them.

You may not want to do anything for fear of upsetting other family members, sacrificing your own happiness, for others.

Not only dealing with a narcissistic mother yourself you may have had a narcissist mother in law, but you may also have been walking on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting your mother or your mother in law. Some of these mothers have the power to control entire families.

If you only had one narcissist in your life or you’ve had many, from parents to siblings, or your partners, recovery follows the same pattern.

Unfortunately, you have to take away that thought process that blood is thicker than water, the same as marriage is forever.

If one parent wasn’t a narcissist they Might have enabled the narcissistic parent through fear.

If you can find coping methods so you are not affected, and still be around the narcissist, that’s the best way to go. The disorder is on a spectrum so some you can learn how to handle yourself around them others you will need to either distance yourself or completely cut them out.

Only you know what will work best for you. If they are still in your life no reaction. If you have a sibling who can relate with you so you can vent to each other about how unbelievable your mother is. If you can do this great, unfortunately, a lot of us can not, as the others have narcissistic traits, or are just unwilling to open their eyes to reality.

If they are damaging to your true inner self, you need to cut them out of your life. No excuse.

If your worried what others think, or if you’re worried they are elderly and need you. So what, if they are still damaging your mental health and your inner self, you have to remove them from your life.

If they are no longer causing you issues and you can put up with them, then no need to cut them out.

observe their toxic words, know that they are theirs and not yours, do not absorb them, only you define you.

Narcissistic mother or father or any other family members, the same things apply to recover and live a happier life for yourself.

If you can not counteract it and lose the trauma patterns if your children are learning from the abusive behaviour you have to cut them out.

If it is affecting any of those you love and you can cut them out, you need to do so.

One of the main things you need to do, if you don’t cut them from your life, is establishing firm boundaries, them actioning them.

We are individuals, so healing is what works best for you, it’s about breaking that trauma bond, then finding who you truly are, once you rediscover who you are, it’s gets so much easier. If you’re in a negative mindset, you need to work on your programming, it will take work to start with, changes your thought process, it will get easier.

Finding out who you truly are, you have to put the work in, it is possible if you’re willing to learn, grow and accept change, trying out new interests until you discover what it is you enjoy and not what your mother forced on you to enjoy.

A simple step is if you always order one of two dishes when you go out to eat, go for something you’ve never eaten before, try a restaurant you’ve never been to, join reading groups, gaining knowledge and meeting new people, try writing.

Have a go at horse riding or take a simple walk, try dancing just try new activities, until you find what you enjoy for you. change the restaurant you usually eat in. whatever it keeps going until you find the things you truly love and enjoy doing, for you.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

The scapegoat child.

More on signs your parents are narcissistic and it’s ok to cut them out.

Anxiety recovery.

Reproductive Abuse, And Why They Have Children.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

What is reproductive abuse and why narcissistic people have children?

Reproductive coercion or reproductive control.

The three forms of reproductive coercion are pregnancy coercion, birth control coercion, control of the outcome of the pregnancy coercion.

Pregnancy coercion is when the partner puts pressure on you to have a child, they can either put the admiration face on and go on and on about how great it would be to have a child, until you want one, or use verbal threats and other manipulation tactics.

Birth Control sabotage, they’ll either mess with pills, hiding them or removing condoms after agreeing to wear one, women saying they are on birth control when they are not.

Controlling the outcome of the pregnancy, again through lots of manipulation tactics, to influence someone into keeping the baby, or aborting the baby, through intimidation and threats.

A narcissistic person believes they are entitled to do as they please, regardless of the effects it has on those around them. They exploit people to get their own needs met.

A narcissist that wants children, simply believes the children are an extension of themselves.

With a narcissist all they do is further manipulate, they will stop at nothing to manipulate, including children.

Did your narcissist want to have a baby with you, not long after you had met? They will want children with you, no matter how many they already have, or how many you have.

This is all just another manipulative tool for the narcissist, to help them achieve their aims.

There are several ways narcissist use having a child together. For manipulation, not all narcissist want children, those that do, want them very early on, to prove how committed they are to you. Two people falling in lovemaking that comment together to create new life. The promise to have children with you is only so they can get what they want from you.

You’re still in the idolisation period, this amazing person wants to have children with you, it’s all your dreams coming true. It made to seem like a loving and romantic comment that they want children with you, Weather it’s the male narcissist getting you pregnant, or the female narcissist carrying your child. It’s all another manipulation technique, to re-enforce their dominance over you and conquer you.

To the male narcissist, they believe they are planting their very essence deep inside of you. They may use the term. “Planting my seed.” Or “I chose you to be my incubator.” As we are an appliance to them, where we boil a kettle for hot water to meet a need, they manipulate people to meet a need. To the male narcissist getting you pregnant is the ultimate accomplishment. They feel powerful and they place what they believe to be their essence inside of you. It’s the ultimate conquest.

They believe they have placed themselves inside you.

From the female narcissist point of view, they believe they have consumed a part of you inside them. They also feel powerful and that they have conquered you.

Those narcissists who want children will make good of their promises, possible the only promises they will keep after the idolisation period, they will have a child with you for their own gains, one is to bind you to them through the child, having a child with you, means to them that you are far less likely to escape them, if you leave or they cheat, your far more likely to go back if you have a child together. You want the perfect family and In that idolisation period, who better to have this with, then after the idolisation period, you want the dream back of that perfect family, it messes with our reality, causing cognitive dissonance, within our minds.

The narcissist knows because of your empathy, you will dedicate yourself to the children’s upbringing, you will have a huge obstacle in your way, when you’ve had enough of their behaviour and want to leave, as you’ll not want to take the child away from the parent, it’s also not as easy to walk away with a child, and start afresh then it would be if it was just you. you will allow them to reduce their own involvement, as with a narcissist they are lacking in support unless they have something to gain from it.

Narcissist use children to keep their hold over you, to keep you tied to them.

Neither male or female narcissist have children because they want children with you. Males purely use the female as an incubator. You are just the narcissist host. Once you are pregnant a lot of male narcissists will cast you aside, not all will, you are just an appliance, to carry their offspring, they are now free, to chase another appliance.

If the pregnancy remains in the idolisation period, you’ll be doted on.

Once the children have arrived they are then used as pawns in the narcissists never-ending game of chess, where they will always try to through you into checkmate, whichever way you turn. They are used to create competition with you, they will triangulate children off against each other and you. Divide and conquer, is what the narcissist is all about. You may have heard them say, “I love you more than daddy don’t I?”Or “I love you more than mummy don’t I?” They will also say things like. “Don’t tell mummy but she doesn’t love you only I do.” Or “ don’t tell daddy about this, but he doesn’t love you, only I do.”

They use these kinds of words so the children know who is their master, and don’t want to approach the other parent as the children don’t think the other parent loves them.

They use these words to manipulate and triangulate you with the children.

“Isn’t mummy/daddy grumpy today.”

“I’ll let you, But mummy/daddy wouldn’t.”

“Daddy / Mummy is too strict or regimented.”

“Aren’t you happy you look exactly like me.”

“Have this money, but don’t tell Daddy/Mummy as they’ll be annoyed with you for taking it.”

A lot will fight tooth and Nail for their children, anyone perceived to criticise the children, from teachers to managers of the team sport they play, will feel the wrath of the narcissist, if their child isn’t picked for a first-team spot, they will depend, condemn the choices of others. Stomp off with the child. They will use this to appear like they are the doting daddy, the marvellous mummy. A perfect parent that wants the best for their children.

If the child is behind at school, or in popularity you will be blamed, it will be all your fault if the children are not the best at everything.

If you’ve separated, what they once told you was good about your parenting, will now be turned against you, what a terrible parent you are. How you’re damaging the children. They will use the children to draw any emotional gain they can from you however they can, if they walk away from the children, it’ll be because “you’re bitter and twisted.” And will not allow them to see the children, you may be involved with the type of narcissist that will battle for custody because your crazy. If safeguarding issues are in place so you stop access, they will not see this. As they are never accountable, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Lastly, they have children for a legacy, so they believe they will live on, they believe their greatness lives on through the achievements of their children. “ they get their brains from me.” Or “They get their sporting abilities from me.” The narcissist will always take the credit for what the children achieve. They don’t believe the child achieves anything, they believe that they caused the children’s achievements.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

Video for more information on cognitive dissonance.

A blog to help if you have children with the narcissist.

Help With Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Self-help ways to recover from a narcissistic relationship.

When you become more confident within yourself, it becomes second nature to stop allowing negative people in your life.

Days, weeks or for some years have passed, yet you may still feel trapped in your own mind, about the past and the toxic relationship, well give yourself some praise, you are free, no matter how you got free. It’s a very painful experience to overcome, so give yourself more praise for seeking a way past, how you’ve been affected and want to move on.

Stop people-pleasing, creating boundaries and saying “no.” Learn your boundaries and stick to them, so if someone asks you for help

With something, if your free and want to go help. If you’re really busy say. “ I’m sorry I’ve got something on at the moment, I can help.” And state when you’re free to if you want to help them out. If it’s someone who’s come out of a narcissistic relationship and you were in one too, it’s ok to drop everything and go to them, as you know how much they need you. It’s about you and what and when you want to do things to help others. Say no to those who don’t help you. Help those that do instead, give and take. You can even say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow.” So you can give yourself space and time to think. Think about what you could be doing if you weren’t people-pleasing, put yourself first and don’t feel guilty for doing it, yes it’s a learning curve, it can be hard saying no to people at first, you will feel uncomfortable at first, good people who love you will not find this a problem, only toxic people will react, don’t worry those are the kinds of people you don’t want in your life anyway. believe in yourself. You can do it. It will help you, with your self-worth. You need to let go of that need to be liked by everyone, just be liked by people who like you for who you are. Be true to yourself.

If you’re not already taking care of yourself physically, start today when you take care of yourself physically, it can dramatically improve your mental health, get yourself a hair cut, try going for a walk, for some, it might be a step forward of brushing your teeth. After a narcissistic relationship, to some this can seem like a mammoth hurdle, just jump in and do one, then keep doing it, adding a new step into your new-found self and routine every couple of days.

Remove anything from your home that reminds you of your ex to avoid any unnecessary triggers.

Getting your self-esteem back after the narcissist. Do not feel ashamed, angry or guilty. You could not see the abuse, the manipulation was out of your control. You went into a relationship with an amazing person and feel deeply in love, they slowly took you apart. you might want to tell people what’s happened or you may feel ashamed by what happened, both are ok, both are normal feelings. Do what’s right for you, if you want to tell people do if you want to keep it secret do. Whatever is best for you. Join a support group, if you see it happening to someone else, you can let them know you know exactly how it feels, that you’ll be there for them no matter what. Write a book, do whatever feels right to you, follow your intuition on what’s right for you.

Self-esteem video.

If your worries are you may fall for another narcissist. Learn the red flags, then take care of yourself. It is about knowing who you are, yes we are human, we all make mistakes, we all have good qualities to bring to others too, value who you are. Know your boundaries, if someone cannot accept you for you if they don’t have a different opinion to you if they move way to fast, step away and slow it down.

It’s far better to be alone and love yourself than be with someone who disrespects everything about you. Real love and relationships it hard works at times, it’s given and takes. Sometimes it’s 50/50 others it’s 90/10 but the coin flips so it’s 10/90 then back to 50/50 give and take depending on each circumstance at any given time, it’s about working together. Knowing and respecting that you have different opinions, working on a middle ground, helping each other out. Being there for each other. Not one gives it their all and the other takes. Staying true to yourself and them staying true to themselves.

Find your passion. Ask “who am I.” Find what you enjoy doing, find what you love in life, then baby steps to reach who you want to be. Learn how to be alone strong and whole by yourself, I do have a post on loneliness if you want more information on this.

You can overcome a narcissist relationship, and move forward to a more positive happier life.

Video on boundaries.

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse