It didn’t feel like a pattern at the time.
It felt like love.
In the beginning, everything just… clicked. The conversations flowed. They seemed to understand you in a way no one else had. You felt chosen. Seen. Almost relieved, like you’d finally found something real.
That’s how it starts.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
1. Idealisation (Love Bombing)
They were attentive. Consistent. Present.
They said the right things, at the right time. It felt easy—natural even. You didn’t question it, because why would you?
But what you didn’t realise was this: they weren’t showing you who they were.
They were showing you what you wanted to see.
2. Devaluation
The shift was subtle.
A comment that didn’t sit right. A moment where they felt distant. You brushed it off at first—everyone has off days, right?
But then it kept happening.
They became harder to read. More critical. Less present. And when you tried to talk about it, it somehow turned back on you.
You started questioning yourself.
3. Intermittent Reinforcement
Just when you felt like you were losing them… they came back.
The warmth returned. The attention. The connection.
And you felt relief.
That relief became something you chased. You told yourself the difficult moments were temporary. That the “real them” was still there.
So you tried harder.
Gave more.
Explained more.
Without realising, you were slowly disappearing.
4. The Turning Point
At some point, something shifted in you.
Not them—you.
You started noticing the pattern. The ups and downs. The way you felt more anxious than secure.
You began to question it.
Even consider leaving.
5. Pulling You Back In
That’s when they changed again.
Apologies. Promises. Effort.
For a moment, it felt like everything might finally work.
But it didn’t last.
Because while you were trying to fix the relationship… they were trying to keep control of it.
6. Discard
It didn’t end the way it began.
There was no clarity. No closure. Just confusion.
Maybe they left suddenly.
Maybe they emotionally checked out long before it was over.
Sometimes, there was already someone else.
And you were left trying to understand how something that felt so real could end like that.
7. Smear Campaign
Then came the part no one prepares you for.
You started hearing things.
Things that didn’t sound like you. Things that didn’t match what happened.
Suddenly, you were “the problem.”
“Difficult.”
“Unstable.”
It’s unbelievable how someone can hurt you… then be angry at you and tell others how horrible you are for the very things they did.
They didn’t just walk away.
They rewrote the story.
And Then… Hoovering
Just when you start to detach, they reappear.
A message. An apology. A memory.
It feels familiar. Almost comforting.
But it’s not about closure.
It’s about reopening the cycle.
Why It Stays With You
Because it was never consistent.
It was intense, then distant. Warm, then cold.
And that inconsistency creates attachment.
You don’t just miss them.
You miss how it felt when it was good.
Final Realisation
The hardest part isn’t seeing what they did.
It’s accepting what it was.
That it wasn’t stable.
That it wasn’t mutual.
That it wasn’t what you thought.
But once you see the pattern, something changes.
You stop chasing the beginning.
You stop trying to fix the middle.
And you stop needing an ending that makes sense.
Because the moment you stop responding…
is the moment the cycle—and their version of you—starts to lose its hold.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
