What Is Passive-Aggressive Behaviour? 7 Subtle Ways Narcissists Use It to Control You
Passive-aggressive behaviour can be confusing, frustrating and deeply hurtful—especially when it comes from someone you care about. It’s a form of indirect hostility where anger, resentment or control is expressed in subtle, sneaky ways rather than through honest communication. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” or, “This upset me,” the person acts out in a covert manner—leaving you to figure out what went wrong and why the atmosphere suddenly shifted.
When this behaviour comes from a narcissist, it becomes more than just emotional immaturity—it becomes a tactic. Narcissists often rely on passive-aggressive strategies to control others, punish those who challenge them, and keep themselves in a position of perceived superiority—all while maintaining a mask of innocence.
The damage passive-aggression causes is real, but because it’s often wrapped in ambiguity, it can leave victims doubting themselves. Over time, these subtle jabs and psychological games erode confidence, foster anxiety, and create a constant sense of walking on eggshells.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Let’s take a closer look at seven common passive-aggressive tactics narcissists use—and how each one works to manipulate and destabilise you.
1. The Silent Treatment
One of the most recognisable forms of passive aggression is the silent treatment. When a narcissist is upset, instead of talking about it, they withdraw communication entirely. They stop replying to your messages, ignore you in the same room, or act cold and indifferent.
But this isn’t just silence—it’s punishment. They want you to notice the change, panic about what you’ve done wrong, and try to fix things without ever knowing what the real issue is. It creates an imbalance of power, forcing you to chase validation while they withhold it. Narcissists use silence as a weapon—not to heal, but to control.
2. Backhanded Compliments
At first glance, a backhanded compliment can seem flattering. But there’s always a sting in the tail. Phrases like, “You actually look good today,” or, “You’re smarter than you seem,” might sound like praise—but they’re laced with subtle insult.
Narcissists love this tactic because it lets them undermine you while appearing kind or supportive. It keeps you guessing about their true intentions and slowly chips away at your self-esteem. You start to second-guess yourself, wondering if you’re just being too sensitive—exactly where the narcissist wants you.
3. Intentional Forgetfulness
Another passive-aggressive tool in the narcissist’s kit is “forgetting”—but not the accidental kind. They conveniently forget important dates, promises, or responsibilities that matter to you. They’ll “forget” to pick you up, “forget” to show up, or “forget” to mention something critical.
These acts are designed to communicate one message: you don’t matter. It’s a calculated way to make you feel neglected, unimportant and disposable, all while giving them the excuse of forgetfulness. The more it happens, the more confused and hurt you become—and the more power they gain.
4. Sabotaging Your Efforts
A narcissist may appear to support your goals and dreams—but behind the scenes, they may be quietly sabotaging your efforts. They might cause delays, create distractions, or belittle your progress with cutting comments disguised as concern.
If you’re about to attend an important meeting, they’ll pick a fight just beforehand. If you’ve achieved something meaningful, they’ll downplay it or shift the attention back to themselves. This kind of sabotage keeps you small, dependent, and doubting yourself—exactly how a narcissist prefers you to be.
5. Stubbornness or Procrastination
Sometimes, narcissists will agree to do something, then deliberately drag their feet or do it badly. It’s a passive-aggressive way to show resentment or resistance while claiming they’re doing their best.
For example, if you ask for help around the house, they may do the bare minimum—or delay it endlessly. When questioned, they’ll insist, “I was going to do it,” or, “I’m just really tired.” This behaviour frustrates you, wastes your time, and chips away at your patience—all while letting them maintain an appearance of innocence.
6. Playing the Victim
When confronted about their behaviour, narcissists rarely apologise or take responsibility. Instead, they play the victim. They act shocked that you’d accuse them of anything and twist the situation to make you feel guilty.
Suddenly, you’re the bad guy, and they’re the wounded party. They’ll say things like, “I can’t believe you’d think that of me,” or, “You always blame me for everything.” This reversal not only silences your concerns but also places them back in control—while painting you as unreasonable.
7. Sarcasm Disguised as Humour
Sarcasm is often used to mask hostility. Narcissists will make jokes at your expense, mock your achievements, or highlight your insecurities—all while claiming they’re just being funny.
If you react, they’ll accuse you of being too sensitive or say, “It was just a joke.” This gives them cover while allowing them to chip away at your confidence and test your boundaries. It’s not humour—it’s humiliation wrapped in a smile.
Why Passive Aggression Works for Narcissists
Passive-aggressive behaviour allows narcissists to maintain a false image. They can still appear calm, reasonable, or even likeable to others—while slowly tearing down your sense of reality behind closed doors. This duality makes it hard to explain or prove their abuse, which keeps you trapped in a cycle of doubt, guilt, and self-blame.
Each of these behaviours is designed to create emotional chaos without open confrontation. Narcissists don’t want resolution; they want control. Passive aggression gives them just that—power over your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, all while they maintain the upper hand.
How to Protect Yourself
Recognising passive-aggressive behaviour for what it is can be a game-changer. Once you name it, you can start setting clear boundaries, stop blaming yourself, and begin focusing on your emotional wellbeing.
- Don’t engage in the game. If someone is giving you the silent treatment or using sarcasm to hurt you, calmly call it out or remove yourself from the dynamic.
- Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Passive aggression thrives on confusion—your clarity is a threat to it.
- Set clear consequences. If someone continues to cross your boundaries or manipulate you, be ready to step back or end the conversation.
- Seek support. Whether through therapy, trusted friends, or educational resources, getting validation and guidance is vital.
Passive-aggressive behaviour isn’t just frustrating—it’s manipulative, harmful and, in the hands of a narcissist, a powerful weapon. Understanding the signs is the first step in freeing yourself from their control and reclaiming your peace of mind.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
