Abuse by Proxy: How Narcissists Use Others to Do Their Dirty Work
Narcissists rarely operate alone when it comes to control, manipulation, and abuse. While they might appear charming or misunderstood to the outside world, they are often pulling strings behind the scenes. One of the most damaging tactics they use is abuse by proxy—a method where the narcissist manipulates others to do their bidding, while they stand back appearing innocent.
This indirect form of abuse can be incredibly confusing and isolating for the victim. You may feel like you’re fighting multiple battles at once—not just with the narcissist, but also with friends, family members, professionals, and even your own children. The narcissist’s goal is simple: control, dominance, and the destruction of your credibility. But because they use others to do the dirty work, it’s difficult to trace the abuse back to them.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here’s how abuse by proxy plays out—and how to recognise the signs.
1. Flying Monkeys
The term “flying monkeys” comes from The Wizard of Oz, but in the world of narcissistic abuse, it refers to the people who the narcissist recruits to support their version of events. These individuals may believe they’re helping someone who’s been wronged. Others may be manipulated through guilt, lies, or emotional appeals. In some cases, flying monkeys are fellow abusers who enjoy the drama and chaos.
They might:
- Contact you on the narcissist’s behalf
- Guilt-trip you into forgiving or engaging with the narcissist
- Criticise your character or decisions
- Spread rumours or false narratives about you
Whether they’re aware of it or not, they’re being used as tools in the narcissist’s campaign to control and discredit you.
2. Victim Playing
One of the narcissist’s most powerful moves is to flip the script and present themselves as the victim. They cry, they act heartbroken, they claim you’re abusive, unreasonable, or unstable. Suddenly, people start to rally around them—and you’re left defending yourself against lies.
This tactic is particularly dangerous because it plays into people’s natural instinct to support the one who appears to be hurting. The narcissist may accuse you of things they’ve actually done themselves (a tactic known as projection), and because they’re so convincing, others often believe them.
You may be left wondering how so many people could be so blind to the truth. The answer is simple: narcissists are master storytellers. They twist facts, omit context, and present just enough truth to make their lies believable.
3. Legal and Professional Sabotage
In more extreme cases, narcissists may involve professionals to escalate their abuse. This might include making false police reports, contacting social services, or even manipulating therapists and legal teams to paint you in a bad light.
Some examples include:
- Accusing you of being an unfit parent
- Using therapy sessions to make you appear unstable or aggressive
- Filing false reports to cause stress or damage your reputation
- Making threats of court action to intimidate you
Because these tactics involve official channels, they can be terrifying and emotionally draining. The narcissist stays one step removed, letting the system do the intimidating for them.
4. Co-Parenting Warfare
When children are involved, the narcissist’s manipulation can become especially toxic. They may use your own children against you—emotionally, mentally, and even legally. Children might be used as messengers, spies, or pawns in power games.
Some common behaviours include:
- Telling children you’re to blame for the separation
- Making them feel guilty for spending time with you
- Feeding them lies or inappropriate information
- Undermining your parenting or decisions
This tactic not only harms the targeted parent but also places an emotional burden on the children, who may grow up confused and torn.
5. Workplace Manipulation
The narcissist’s reach isn’t limited to your personal life—they may extend their abuse into your professional environment. This might involve:
- Contacting your employer with false complaints
- Spreading rumours among colleagues
- Undermining your work or professionalism
- Creating tension between you and others at work
The aim is to isolate you further, damage your confidence, and potentially impact your financial independence. It’s another way of gaining power and control, all while playing the innocent party.
6. Social Isolation
Abuse by proxy often results in the gradual erosion of your support system. Over time, friends and family who once trusted you may distance themselves—either because they believe the narcissist’s lies or because they don’t want to be involved in the drama.
You may notice:
- People going silent or avoiding you
- Friends taking sides without hearing your version
- Invitations drying up
- A growing sense of loneliness or confusion
This isolation makes it easier for the narcissist to maintain control. With fewer people to confide in, you may start to doubt yourself or feel that no one understands.
7. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional manipulation doesn’t stop with the narcissist themselves. They’ll often pressure others into making you feel guilty, afraid, or obligated to do what they want. This can include:
- Family members saying, “Just talk to them and clear the air.”
- Friends telling you, “They’re really hurting—you should give them a chance.”
- Professionals suggesting you’re being difficult or uncooperative
These comments can leave you second-guessing your boundaries and questioning your right to protect yourself. But remember: just because someone is in pain doesn’t mean they’re entitled to mistreat you—or send others to do it.
Why Abuse by Proxy Is So Effective
The real danger of abuse by proxy is its invisibility. Because the narcissist rarely confronts you directly, they maintain the image of being calm, reasonable, or even victimised. Meanwhile, you’re left fighting battles on multiple fronts—each one more exhausting than the last.
This form of abuse can cause long-term damage to your mental health, relationships, and sense of self. It’s a subtle yet powerful way to maintain control while avoiding responsibility.
How to Protect Yourself
If you suspect you’re experiencing abuse by proxy, here are some steps you can take:
- Set firm boundaries. Make it clear you won’t engage with flying monkeys or respond to indirect messages.
- Document everything. Keep a record of messages, incidents, and interactions in case you need them later.
- Avoid explaining yourself. People who truly support you won’t need a long justification.
- Stay calm and consistent. The narcissist wants a reaction. Don’t give them one.
- Seek support. A therapist, support group, or advocate who understands narcissistic abuse can make a world of difference.
Abuse by proxy is a calculated tactic used by narcissists to maintain control while protecting their image. It’s confusing, cruel, and often difficult to prove—but not impossible to recognise. By understanding how this tactic works and standing firm in your truth, you take away the narcissist’s greatest weapon: your reaction.
Remember—every time you set a boundary, refuse to engage, or protect your peace, you reclaim your power. And that is something no narcissist can stand.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
