7 Things Narcissists Do to Make You Chase Them
Narcissists crave power and control in relationships, and one of their favourite tactics is making you chase after them. They want you to be desperate for their approval while they remain in control. The more you chase, the more power they hold over you. If you recognise these patterns, it’s a sign you’re being manipulated.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here are seven ways narcissists make you chase them, and why the best thing you can do is stop playing their game.
1. Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is one of the narcissist’s most effective weapons. One day, they’re affectionate and engaged, and the next, they completely withdraw. They ignore your texts, avoid your calls, and act like you don’t exist.
This isn’t a simple case of needing space, it’s deliberate. The goal is to make you anxious, confused, and desperate to fix whatever “mistake” you think you made. You may replay past conversations, searching for what you did wrong. In reality, you didn’t do anything wrong, they’re simply conditioning you to crave their attention.
When they finally decide to acknowledge you again, you feel relieved, even grateful. But this cycle keeps you hooked. They control when they give affection and when they take it away, training you to chase them for validation.
How to Break Free:
Instead of reacting to the silent treatment, use it as an opportunity to detach. Don’t beg for their attention or try to “fix” things. The less you react, the less power they have over you.
2. Playing Hot and Cold
Narcissists are experts at emotional whiplash. One moment, they’re showering you with affection, telling you how much you mean to them. The next, they’re distant, cold, and uninterested. This unpredictability keeps you emotionally invested because you never know what version of them you’re going to get.
This tactic works because when they withdraw, you become desperate to return to the loving version of them. You start to believe that if you just try harder, they’ll go back to the person they were in the beginning. But the truth is, that version was never real, it was just a hook to get you attached.
How to Break Free:
Recognise that the “hot” moments are part of the manipulation. Instead of chasing the good times, step back and see the pattern for what it is. Healthy relationships don’t leave you feeling emotionally exhausted or insecure.
3. Withholding Affection
Love and affection should never be used as a tool for control, but narcissists use it to their advantage. They stop saying “I love you,” reject your hugs, or act distant. When you ask what’s wrong, they brush it off, leaving you confused and hurt.
The underlying message is clear: you’re only worthy of their affection when you’re meeting their needs. The moment you express a boundary or do something they don’t like, they punish you by withdrawing affection. Over time, you start walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting them and losing their love.
How to Break Free:
Understand that real love doesn’t come with conditions. If someone uses affection as a weapon, it’s not a healthy relationship. Focus on your self-worth and stop trying to “earn” their love.
4. Flirting with Others
Narcissists love attention, and one of their favourite ways to make you chase them is by making you feel like you have competition. They’ll flirt with others in front of you, like suggestive photos online, or talk about how attractive someone else is.
This isn’t an accident, it’s a calculated move to make you feel insecure and push you into trying harder to “win” their love. They want you to feel like you could lose them at any moment, so you’ll work even harder to keep them interested.
How to Break Free:
Don’t fall into the trap of competing for their attention. A healthy partner doesn’t play games to make you jealous. If someone is deliberately making you feel insecure, they’re not the right person for you.
5. Pretending to Move On
After a fight or breakup, narcissists don’t wallow in sadness, they perform. They post happy photos, brag about dating someone new, or act as if they never cared about you in the first place.
This is designed to make you panic. They want you to think you were replaceable, that they’ve already moved on while you’re still hurting. But the reality is, they’re hoping you’ll react, reach out, or try to “win” them back.
How to Break Free:
Don’t take the bait. Even if it looks like they’re happy without you, remember, it’s an act. The best revenge is living well and refusing to play their games.
6. Creating Jealousy
Narcissists don’t just flirt with others to get a reaction; they also use jealousy as a manipulation tool. They might:
- Talk about how much their ex wanted them back
- Compare you to someone else
- Say things like, “So many people want to date me”
This is meant to make you feel insecure and push you into chasing them harder. If they can make you feel like you’re not good enough, you’ll try harder to prove yourself to them.
How to Break Free:
Confidence is your best weapon. The moment you stop reacting to their jealousy games, they lose their grip on you. Trust that you are enough, and don’t let them make you feel otherwise.
7. Making You Prove Yourself
No matter how much you give, it’s never enough for a narcissist. They set impossible standards, constantly move the goalposts, and make you feel like you’re always falling short.
They’ll say things like:
- “If you really loved me, you’d do this.”
- “Other people wouldn’t act like you do.”
- “You need to prove you’re committed to me.”
This forces you into a cycle of trying to “earn” their approval, even though they never intended to give it in the first place. The goal isn’t for you to succeed, it’s for you to stay stuck, always trying to meet their impossible expectations.
7 Things Narcissists Do to Make You Chase Them (Don’t Fall for It!)
How to Break Free:
Stop trying to prove your worth to someone who will never appreciate it. You are already enough. A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to constantly prove yourself.
Narcissists make you chase them because it gives them power. They want you to feel unworthy, desperate, and always trying to win their approval. But the best thing you can do? Stop playing.
When you walk away, you take back your power. You show them that their manipulation no longer works. And most importantly, you make space for people who love and respect you for who you are, without the games.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
