The Hoover: How Narcissists Try to Suck You Back In
The term hoover is named after the vacuum cleaner for a reason—because narcissists only want to suck you back in. Once they have achieved this, they will treat you like rubbish again, then empty you back out. Whether it’s been days, weeks, months, or even years, most narcissists will always attempt the hoover.
They don’t care if you’re still hurting or if you’ve moved on and healed—they only care about what they want. You may suddenly receive a message from them, or if you share children, they might suddenly change how they speak to you. When this happens, you might feel anger, guilt, or self-doubt creeping back in. You may wonder what they’ll try next, question if they’re truly a narcissist, or even lose some of the self-confidence you worked so hard to rebuild.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Right now, you may think, There is no way I would ever get back together with this person. Unfortunately, narcissists are extremely skilled at what they do. Nearly everyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship has gone back at least once—often multiple times—especially if they didn’t initially understand what they were dealing with.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
Narcissists do not respect boundaries or rules. They refuse to be held accountable, believe they are always right, and demand complete control and power. In their minds, they own you and should be able to have you back whenever they choose. Their hoovering attempts are never about you—they are always about what they want.
They don’t come back because they love you. They don’t come back because they’ve changed. They come back to get something they need—attention, validation, control, financial support, or simply the satisfaction of knowing they can still manipulate you.
As soon as you fall for one of their manipulative tactics, they have what they need, and the cycle begins again. The love-bombing phase might return briefly, but it will quickly shift back to devaluation, criticism, and emotional abuse. For your own sanity, do not fall for it. Leave them be.
Common Hoovering Tactics
Here’s how a narcissist might try to pull you back in:
1. The Random Message
If you’re in contact due to children, they might suddenly change how they communicate with you—being overly polite, friendly, or even nostalgic. If you don’t have children, they may email you, text you, or even use a mutual friend to reach out on social media if you’ve blocked them.
How it makes you feel: You might feel lonely or tempted to respond, hoping for an apology or closure.
What to do: No reaction. No contact.
2. The Unexpected Gift
You haven’t spoken in a while, and suddenly they send you a thoughtful gift. It reminds you of how sweet they could be, making you second-guess everything.
How it makes you feel: Nostalgic, hopeful that they’ve changed.
What to do: No reaction. No contact.
3. The “I Miss You” Message
They tell you how much they miss and love you, claiming that you are their soulmate and they finally see it now.
How it makes you feel: You wonder if things will be different this time.
What to do: They won’t be. No reaction. No contact.
4. The Walk Down Memory Lane
They bring up happy memories—places you visited, experiences you shared, or fun times with your kids.
How it makes you feel: Ashamed about how things ended, guilty for moving on.
What to do: It’s manipulation. No reaction. No contact.
5. The “Accidental” Contact
They accidentally bump into you somewhere or send a message meant for someone else.
How it makes you feel: You start thinking about them again.
What to do: It’s intentional. No reaction. No contact.
6. The Apology That Means Nothing
They say they’re sorry and promise to change. They act remorseful, but deep down, you know you’ve heard it all before.
How it makes you feel: Conflicted—you might want to clear the air or convince yourself they weren’t that bad.
What to do: They were that bad. No reaction. No contact.
7. The Crisis Hoax
They claim to have a serious illness or a family emergency, knowing that your empathy will make you want to help.
How it makes you feel: Guilty, responsible, or obligated to check in.
What to do: It’s a trick. No reaction. No contact.
8. The Flying Monkeys
If you ignore them, they may send a friend, family member, or even one of your children (if you have kids together) to reach out on their behalf.
How it makes you feel: Pressured to respond, worried about appearing rude.
What to do: More manipulation. No reaction. No contact.
9. The “One Last Goodbye” Trick
They call to say they’re moving away and would love to see you one last time.
How it makes you feel: You want closure.
What to do: Closure comes from within. No reaction. No contact.
10. The Full Emotional Attack
If subtle hoovering doesn’t work, they’ll escalate—begging, promising a perfect future, crying, yelling, shaming, guilt-tripping, threatening, or making false accusations.
How it makes you feel: Overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, scared.
What to do: It’s a trap. No reaction. No contact.
What Happens If You Go Back?
If you left them and they win you back, things will be worse than before. They will punish you for abandoning them.
They may start off sweet, act vulnerable, or use the pity ploy—but once they have you back under their control, the mask comes off.
If your boundaries stay firm and their tricks don’t work, they may resort to:
- Telling you how awful you are
- Bragging about their new, perfect partner
- Acting like they don’t need you
- Pretending they just want the best for you
- Attacking your self-worth by calling you a bad parent or saying no one likes you
Even if they disappear for years, they may come back when you least expect it.
Why Narcissists Hoover
Narcissists hoover because they believe they own you. They know how to trigger your emotions and pull you back in. They rely on trauma bonds, guilt, and manipulation to keep you hooked.
But remember: they are only in it for themselves.
How to Protect Yourself
- No contact – Block them on everything. If you have kids, use a court-approved communication app and stick to business-like responses.
- Grey rock – If no contact isn’t possible, give them nothing. Be emotionally unresponsive.
- Stay strong – The trauma bond will try to pull you back, but remind yourself why you left.
- Protect your peace – Focus on your healing, your happiness, and your future—without them.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
