Narcissists and Money: How They Use Finances to Control and Abuse
Financial abuse is one of the most effective ways a narcissist can trap their partner in a toxic relationship. Studies show that 98% of abusive relationships involve financial abuse, especially when children are involved. Money becomes both a weapon and a tool for control, leaving the victim struggling to break free.
Narcissists often have a distorted view of money. Some see it as a replacement for love, a source of validation, or an entitlement—regardless of whether it belongs to them. They may be compulsive spenders, gamblers, or use money recklessly to feed their ego. Others may hoard money, refusing to spend even on basic needs for their family. Regardless of how they manage finances, their main objective is control.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
How Narcissists Manipulate Finances
1. They Keep Financial Information Hidden
A narcissist often starts the relationship with lies, including about money. They may exaggerate their wealth, downplay their debts, or keep their financial situation a mystery. This secrecy makes it difficult to know what resources are available and prevents their partner from making informed financial decisions.
2. They Control Access to Money
Many narcissists take sole control of bank accounts, ensuring their partner is financially dependent on them. They may refuse to put their partner’s name on financial documents, limit their spending, or give them an “allowance” while spending freely on themselves. This financial dependence keeps the victim trapped, making it harder to leave.
3. They Sabotage Financial Stability
If the narcissist earns an income, they may refuse to contribute fairly to household expenses. Some narcissists avoid employment altogether, relying on their partner’s income while refusing to contribute financially. They may justify their behaviour by saying, “I don’t see why I need to get a job.” Others will create excuses to avoid paying their share, leaving their partner struggling to cover essential costs.
4. They Run Up Debts
Narcissists often believe they are entitled to anything they desire. They may spend recklessly, max out credit cards, or take out loans without discussing it. Some may even take out credit in their partner’s name, leaving them with debt they did not agree to. If confronted, they gaslight their partner, claiming they never agreed to repay the money.
5. They Use Money as a Means of Punishment
Narcissists manipulate their partner by using money as a reward or punishment. If they are displeased, they may withhold financial support, refuse to pay bills, or leave their partner without enough money for necessities. For example, they may say, “I need petrol for my car to get to work, so I can’t give you money for food this week.” This tactic ensures their partner remains dependent and controlled.
6. They Weaponise Child Maintenance
After a breakup, a narcissist may refuse to pay child support as a way to continue exerting control. They may claim they “shouldn’t have to pay” or make excuses for why they can’t afford it, despite spending money on themselves. Others will pay maintenance but use it as a tool to maintain influence over their ex-partner and children.
7. They Use Generosity to Control
Some narcissists are overly generous, not out of kindness, but as a way to establish their importance. They may buy lavish gifts to appear wealthy or to ensure their partner feels obligated to them. However, there are always strings attached—whether it’s expecting something in return or using past generosity as leverage in arguments.
8. They Sabotage Their Partner’s Independence
A narcissist may actively prevent their partner from gaining financial independence. They may discourage them from working, sabotage their career, or insist that their job is unnecessary. If their partner does earn money, they may demand access to their earnings or belittle them for how they spend it.
9. They Use Financial Threats
If their partner tries to leave, a narcissist will often use financial threats to keep control. They may say, “You won’t be able to afford to take care of the children, so I’ll have to take custody.” When confronted about these threats, they will deny making them, further gaslighting their partner.
10. They Steal or Exploit Financial Resources
A narcissist may take money directly from their partner without permission, manipulate them into handing over their earnings, or even forge documents to gain financial control. They may remove their partner’s name from joint accounts, pressure them to sign over assets, or make financial decisions without consulting them.
How to Regain Financial Control
If still in the relationship, or if the narcissist still has financial control post-breakup, it’s crucial to take steps to regain independence.
1. Open a Separate Bank Account
Set up an account in your name only and keep it secure. Ensure the narcissist does not have access to passwords or PIN numbers.
2. Gather Important Documents
Collect birth certificates, passports, bank statements, and any legal documents that may be needed to secure financial independence. Keep these in a safe place.
3. Save Money in Secret
If possible, start setting aside small amounts of money in a secure location or a separate account. Even small savings can make a difference when trying to leave.
4. Create a Budget
Understanding your financial situation is key. Write down all necessary expenses and start planning how to cover them independently.
5. Change Passwords and Security Details
If the narcissist has access to online banking, accounts, or personal information, change all passwords and security questions immediately.
6. Seek Professional Support
Financial abuse is serious, and there are resources available. Charities, financial advisors, and domestic abuse support services can offer guidance on how to protect assets and secure financial independence.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Leaving a financially abusive relationship is challenging, but there are organisations, friends, and family who can offer support. Many shelters provide temporary housing and assistance with rebuilding financial stability.
Final Thoughts
Financial abuse is a powerful form of control used by narcissists to manipulate and trap their partners. It creates dependency, lowers self-esteem, and makes it difficult to break free. However, it is possible to regain control. Every small step taken towards financial independence is a step towards freedom.
Rebuilding life after financial abuse takes time, but it is possible. Many have done it before, and so can you. Believe that you deserve better—because you do.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
