When narcissists lose control over someone, they often resort to a range of manipulative tactics designed to regain power and protect their fragile egos. These behaviours can be confusing and emotionally draining, leaving their targets unsure of how to respond. Understanding these tactics is crucial for anyone who has been entangled in a relationship with a narcissist. Below is an exploration of seven common manipulative behaviours used by narcissists when they feel they are losing control, along with the psychological reasoning behind these actions.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
1. Playing Nice
What They Do:
When a narcissist senses that their hold over someone is slipping, they might suddenly become overly kind, generous, or attentive. They may shower you with compliments, buy you gifts, or go out of their way to do something nice for you, seemingly out of the blue.
Why They Do It:
This behaviour is a form of what is known as “love-bombing” or “hoovering.” Narcissists play nice to lure you back into the relationship or keep you from pulling away. By appealing to your emotions and memories of the good times, they make you doubt your decision to leave or assert independence. The goal is to re-establish the emotional connection that once kept you under their control. They want you to remember the positive aspects of the relationship, no matter how few and far between, so that you question your decision to distance yourself.
Narcissists are experts at creating a distorted reality where you begin to question whether things were ever really that bad. Their sudden niceness can feel disorienting, making you wonder if perhaps you overreacted or misunderstood their intentions. This tactic is particularly effective because it taps into your hope for change and your desire for things to get better, leading you to give them yet another chance.
2. Playing the Victim
What They Do:
When their control starts to wane, narcissists often portray themselves as the one who has been wronged, hurt, or abandoned. They may exaggerate their suffering, claim that you’ve mistreated them, or present themselves as entirely innocent in the situation.
Why They Do It:
Playing the victim is a powerful manipulation tool because it elicits sympathy and shifts the blame away from the narcissist. By painting themselves as the aggrieved party, they manipulate others into supporting them and turning against you. This tactic also serves to isolate you, as mutual friends and acquaintances may start to see you as the problem rather than the victim of the narcissist’s behaviour.
This behaviour is especially insidious because it not only undermines your credibility but also makes you second-guess your actions. You may start to wonder if you were too harsh, too demanding, or not understanding enough. This self-doubt is exactly what the narcissist wants, as it makes you more likely to return to the relationship to “make things right.” In reality, the narcissist is simply using your empathy and compassion against you to regain control.
3. Claiming You Don’t Care About Them
What They Do:
Narcissists may accuse you of being cold, unloving, or indifferent to their feelings and needs. They might say things like, “You never really cared about me,” or “If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me this way.”
Why They Do It:
This tactic is designed to guilt-trip you into staying or returning to the relationship. By questioning your empathy and love, they aim to undermine your confidence and force you to prove your care and loyalty. This accusation can be particularly painful because it attacks the very core of your identity as a compassionate and caring person.
The narcissist knows that you value your ability to love and care for others, and they use this against you. By making you feel as though you’re failing in these areas, they provoke you into trying harder to meet their needs, all while they continue to manipulate and control you. This tactic also serves to distract from their own lack of care and concern, turning the focus back onto you and your perceived shortcomings.
4. Blaming and Shaming You
What They Do:
Narcissists are masters of blame and shame. When they feel their control slipping, they will hold you responsible for the relationship’s issues and belittle you for your perceived shortcomings. They may say things like, “This is all your fault,” or “If you weren’t so [insert criticism], things would be better.”
Why They Do It:
Blame and shame are tools to deflect attention from the narcissist’s own flaws and behaviours. By making you feel guilty and inadequate, they regain the upper hand and keep you under their influence. When you’re busy defending yourself or trying to make up for your supposed mistakes, you’re less likely to focus on the narcissist’s behaviour.
This tactic also serves to erode your self-esteem over time. The more you internalise the narcissist’s criticisms, the more you begin to believe that you are indeed the problem. This can lead to a vicious cycle where you become increasingly dependent on the narcissist for validation, as your sense of self-worth becomes tied to their approval.
5. Stalking and Harassing You
What They Do:
When a narcissist is losing control, they may resort to more aggressive tactics, such as stalking or harassment. This can include following you, monitoring your social media activity, sending unwanted messages, or even showing up at your home or workplace uninvited.
Why They Do It:
Stalking and harassment are forms of intimidation and control. By keeping tabs on you and inserting themselves into your life, the narcissist asserts dominance and tries to prevent you from moving on. These behaviours are designed to instil fear and uncertainty, making you feel as though you can never truly escape their influence.
This tactic can be particularly terrifying because it invades your sense of privacy and safety. The narcissist wants you to know that they are always watching, always present, and always ready to reassert their control. It’s a way of saying, “You may think you’re free, but I’m still in charge.” For many victims, this behaviour can lead to a sense of helplessness and powerlessness, as it seems that no matter what they do, the narcissist will not let go.
6. Smearing Your Name
What They Do:
When narcissists feel that they are losing control, they often start spreading rumours, lies, or half-truths about you to mutual friends, family, or even publicly. This is known as a smear campaign.
Why They Do It:
Smearing is a tactic to discredit you and maintain the narcissist’s image. By painting you in a negative light, they attempt to isolate you from your support system and rally others to their side. This reinforces their narrative and control, as it leaves you without allies and further entrenches the narcissist’s version of events.
The smear campaign is particularly damaging because it attacks your reputation and can have long-lasting effects on your relationships and social standing. The narcissist knows that once your credibility is undermined, it becomes much harder for you to defend yourself or seek support. They may even play the victim during this campaign, making themselves out to be the one who was wronged while you are portrayed as the villain. This tactic is designed to make you feel isolated, powerless, and desperate for the narcissist’s approval, as they appear to be the only one who understands or supports you.
7. Moving onto Someone New
What They Do:
Perhaps one of the most hurtful tactics is when a narcissist quickly moves on to a new relationship, often flaunting it publicly or comparing you unfavourably to their new partner.
Why They Do It:
Moving on quickly serves multiple purposes for the narcissist. First, it demonstrates their supposed desirability, showing you and others that they are in demand and can easily replace you. Second, it is an attempt to provoke jealousy and make you feel worthless or inadequate compared to their new partner. Third, it distracts them from their own feelings of rejection or inadequacy by providing a new source of validation and control.
This behaviour can be incredibly painful because it makes you feel as though you never mattered to the narcissist at all. It’s as if they have erased your relationship and moved on without a second thought. However, it’s important to remember that this is not a reflection of your worth but rather a testament to the narcissist’s inability to form genuine connections. Their new relationship is unlikely to be any different from the one they had with you, and it’s only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself.
Conclusion
These behaviours are driven by a narcissist’s need for control, validation, and admiration. When they sense that these needs are threatened or unfulfilled, they employ these manipulative tactics to regain dominance and avoid facing their own insecurities. Understanding these patterns is essential for anyone dealing with a narcissist, as it allows you to recognise the manipulation for what it is and take steps to protect your well-being.
Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting and emotionally draining, but it’s important to remember that their behaviour is a reflection of their own issues, not yours. By maintaining your boundaries, seeking support, and prioritising your own mental health, you can break free from their influence and begin to heal. Recognising these manipulative tactics is the first step towards reclaiming your power and moving forward with your life.
How Do Narcissists React When They Lose Control Over You?
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
