The Narcissist’s Double Standards

Narcissists thrive on control, manipulation, and maintaining a sense of superiority over others. One of the most pervasive tools they use to achieve these goals is the imposition of double standards. These double standards can leave their victims feeling confused, demoralised, and constantly on edge. In this article, we will explore the nature of narcissistic double standards, how they manifest in relationships, the psychological mechanisms behind their effectiveness, the impact they have on victims, and strategies for recognising and protecting oneself from these manipulative tactics.

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What Are the Narcissist’s Double Standards?

Double standards involve holding different people or groups to different sets of principles in a way that is inherently unfair. Narcissists apply these hypocritical standards to their interactions, creating a scenario where they always have the upper hand. Here are some examples of how these double standards manifest in various contexts:

Expecting Special Treatment: Narcissists demand preferential treatment and privileges that they do not extend to others. They believe they are entitled to better treatment because of their perceived superiority. Example: A narcissist expects their partner to drop everything to attend to their needs immediately but will ignore or belittle their partner’s needs when they arise.
Hypocrisy in Behavior: Narcissists criticise and condemn behaviours in others that they themselves regularly exhibit. This hypocritical stance helps them maintain a facade of moral superiority. Example: A narcissist might chastise a friend for gossiping, all while they themselves frequently spread rumours and share confidential information about others.
Inconsistent Rules: The rules that narcissists set are subject to change depending on what suits them best at the moment. This inconsistency keeps their victims off balance and constantly guessing. Example: A narcissist may demand that their children adhere to strict household rules but will not follow these rules themselves, rationalising their behaviour with excuses about their importance or stress.
Unrealistic Expectations: Narcissists expect others to meet impossibly high standards while they allow themselves to fall short without consequence. This double standard reinforces their sense of superiority. Example: A narcissistic boss might expect flawless performance and overtime from their employees, yet regularly miss deadlines and produce subpar work without any acknowledgement of their failings.
One-Sided Accountability: Narcissists often hold others accountable for actions and decisions but refuse to take responsibility for their own. They deflect blame and make excuses to maintain their unassailable image. Example: In a relationship, a narcissist may blame their partner for any arguments or issues, claiming that they are always at fault, while the narcissist refuses to acknowledge or address their own contributions to the problems.

How Narcissists Get Away With Their Double Standards

Narcissists employ several strategies to ensure their double standards go unchallenged. These tactics are designed to manipulate perceptions, shift blame, and maintain their control over others.

Gaslighting: This tactic involves making the victim question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. By denying their actions or accusing the victim of being overly sensitive or mistaken, narcissists create doubt and confusion. Example: When confronted about their double standards, a narcissist might say, “I never said that. You must be remembering it wrong,” even when the evidence is clear.
Charm and Charisma: Narcissists often possess a charismatic personality that can be disarming. Their charm can make others more likely to overlook or rationalise their inconsistencies and manipulative behaviour. Example: A narcissistic leader may use their charisma to rally support and admiration, distracting from their hypocritical actions and creating a loyal following that is reluctant to criticise them.
Playing the Victim: Narcissists frequently shift the blame and portray themselves as the victim in any given situation. This deflection tactic garners sympathy and makes others feel guilty for questioning them. Example: If accused of unfair treatment, a narcissist might respond with, “I can’t believe you would say that after everything I’ve done for you,” turning the tables and making the accuser feel like the wrongdoer.
Divide and Conquer: By isolating individuals from their support systems and creating conflicts among those around them, narcissists reduce the likelihood of collective scrutiny and challenge. Example: A narcissistic partner might subtly undermine their spouse’s relationships with friends and family, ensuring the spouse has fewer people to turn to for support or advice.
Selective Memory: Narcissists often have a selective memory that conveniently forgets their own transgressions or reinterprets past events to suit their narrative. This makes it difficult for others to hold them accountable. Example: A narcissist might claim, “I never agreed to that,” despite having clearly agreed to it previously, thereby shifting the blame for any resulting issues onto the other person.

How and Why Their Double Standards Work

The effectiveness of narcissistic double standards is rooted in various psychological and emotional dynamics that they exploit to their advantage.

Cognitive Dissonance: This psychological discomfort arises from holding two contradictory beliefs. Victims of narcissists often experience cognitive dissonance, struggling to reconcile the narcissist’s charming persona with their unfair behaviour. This confusion can lead to denial or justification of the narcissist’s actions. Example: A victim might struggle to reconcile the loving, attentive partner they see at times with the manipulative, hypocritical person they experience at others.
Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists are skilled at exploiting emotions, creating strong attachments, and leveraging fear, guilt, or obligation to maintain control. The emotional investment in the relationship can make it hard for victims to see or accept the narcissist’s double standards. Example: A narcissist may use moments of affection or praise to overshadow their abusive behaviour, making the victim doubt their own perceptions.
Gradual Escalation: Narcissistic abuse often starts subtly and escalates over time. This gradual increase makes it harder to notice the double standards and easier for the narcissist to normalise their behaviour. Example: Initially, the narcissist might only occasionally demand special treatment, but over time, these demands become more frequent and intense.
Power Dynamics: The power imbalance in relationships with narcissists means they often have the upper hand, making it easier for them to enforce double standards without resistance. Example: In a workplace, a narcissistic boss might leverage their authority to impose unfair expectations on their employees while exempting themselves from the same standards.

How Double Standards Affect You

The impact of a narcissist’s double standards on their victims can be profound and multifaceted. Here are some of the ways these double standards affect those in relationships with narcissists:

Erosion of Self-Esteem: Constantly being subjected to unfair treatment and unrealistic expectations can severely damage a person’s self-worth. Victims may begin to internalise the narcissist’s criticisms and believe they are fundamentally flawed. Example: A partner constantly criticised for their appearance while the narcissist neglects their own grooming might start to see themselves as unattractive or inadequate.
Confusion and Self-Doubt: The inconsistency of the narcissist’s behaviour creates a confusing and unstable environment. Victims may doubt their perceptions and struggle to understand the rules, leading to anxiety and indecision. Example: A friend who is alternately praised and criticised for the same behaviour by a narcissist may feel perpetually unsure of how to act.
Emotional Exhaustion: Navigating the ever-changing landscape of a narcissist’s double standards is mentally and emotionally draining. This constant vigilance can lead to burnout and a sense of hopelessness. Example: An employee constantly trying to meet their narcissistic boss’s shifting expectations may feel drained and incapable of ever satisfying them.
Isolation: The narcissist’s tactics often isolate their victims from support systems, making it harder to seek help or gain perspective. This isolation reinforces the narcissist’s control and perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Example: A narcissistic partner may undermine their spouse’s relationships with friends and family, making the spouse feel alone and dependent.
Perpetuation of Abuse: Over time, the normalisation of double standards can lead victims to accept abusive behaviour as usual. This acceptance can make it difficult to break free from the relationship or recognise healthier dynamics. Example: A child raised by a narcissistic parent who regularly imposes double standards may grow up believing that this type of behaviour is typical in relationships.

How to Recognise Their Tactics and Protect Yourself

Identifying and responding to a narcissist’s double standards requires awareness, assertiveness, and strategic planning. Here are steps to help you protect yourself:

Document Incidents: Keep a record of the narcissist’s behaviour and any double standards you notice. This documentation can help you recognise patterns and provide evidence if you need to confront the behaviour or seek support. Example: Maintain a journal detailing instances where the narcissist’s actions do not match their words or where they apply different rules to themselves and others.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear and firm boundaries with the narcissist. Communicate your expectations and the consequences of violating them. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently. Example: Inform the narcissist that you will not tolerate being criticised for behaviors they themselves engage in, and follow through with limiting contact if they persist.
Seek Support: Connect with trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective and support. Sharing your experiences with others can help validate your feelings and offer insights into the narcissist’s behaviour. Example: Join a support group for individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse to gain insight and encouragement.
Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissistic behaviour and its impact can empower you to recognise manipulation and protect yourself. Resources such as books, articles, and support groups can offer valuable information and strategies. Example: Read literature on narcissistic personality disorder to understand the tactics and traits of narcissists better.
Maintain Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and practice self-compassion. Taking care of yourself can strengthen your resilience against the narcissist’s tactics. Example: Regularly engage in hobbies, exercise, and mindfulness practices to maintain a sense of balance and well-being.
Evaluate the Relationship: Assess whether the relationship with the narcissist is worth maintaining. If the double standards and manipulative behaviour are causing significant harm, consider whether it might be necessary to distance yourself or end the relationship. Example: Reflect on whether the relationship contributes positively to your life or predominantly causes stress and unhappiness.
Develop Assertiveness Skills: Learning to assertively communicate your needs and stand up for yourself can help you counter the narcissist’s attempts to enforce double standards. Practice expressing yourself clearly and confidently. Example: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as “I feel disrespected when you criticise me for being late while you are often late yourself.”

How Double Standards Affect Your Perception of the Narcissist

The imposition of double standards can significantly alter how you perceive the narcissist. Here’s how it typically unfolds:

Eroded Trust: Recognising the narcissist’s double standards can severely undermine your trust in them. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and without it, the relationship becomes strained and dysfunctional. Example: When you realise that the narcissist frequently breaks promises or holds you to standards they themselves do not meet, you start questioning their reliability and integrity.
Increased Resentment: Being subjected to unfair treatment can breed resentment. As you become more aware of the narcissist’s double standards, feelings of frustration and anger are likely to intensify. Example: Constantly having to abide by rules that the narcissist ignores can lead to growing resentment and bitterness, making it harder to maintain a positive view of them.
Heightened Vigilance: Once you identify the narcissist’s double standards, you may become hyper-vigilant, constantly on the lookout for their manipulative tactics. This state of alertness can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Example: You might start scrutinising the narcissist’s every action and word, trying to anticipate and counter their manipulative behaviours, which can be draining over time.
Shift in Power Dynamics: Recognising and confronting the narcissist’s double standards can shift the power dynamics in the relationship. As you become more assertive and set boundaries, the narcissist may react with increased aggression or manipulation attempts to regain control. Example: When you start calling out the narcissist’s double standards and enforcing boundaries, they might escalate their manipulative tactics or attempt to punish you for challenging their authority.

Narcissists employ double standards as a powerful tool to maintain control and superiority in relationships. These hypocritical behaviours can leave their victims feeling confused, demoralised, and constantly on edge. By understanding the nature of these double standards, recognising the tactics narcissists use to enforce them, and developing strategies to protect oneself, victims can begin to reclaim their power and restore their sense of self-worth.

To successfully navigate and mitigate the impact of a narcissist’s double standards, it is crucial to educate oneself, seek support, and maintain a strong sense of self. Building resilience against narcissistic manipulation involves setting clear boundaries, practising self-care, and being prepared to make difficult decisions about the future of the relationship. By taking these steps, victims can protect themselves from the detrimental effects of narcissistic abuse and move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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The Narcissist’s Double Standards