Narcissistic abuse is a term coined by Sam Vaknin in 1995 to describe the mental and emotional manipulation perpetrated by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. It is a complex form of abuse that is characterised by patterns of behaviour designed to control and manipulate the victim for the abuser’s own gain.
One of the key components of narcissistic abuse is emotional manipulation. This can take many forms, including idealisation – where the abuser puts the victim on a pedestal and makes them feel special and loved, followed by devaluation – where the abuser tears the victim down and makes them feel worthless. This cycle of idealisation and devaluation can create a sense of confusion and instability in the victim, leading to emotional turmoil.
Other tactics commonly used by narcissists in abusive relationships include intermittent reinforcement – where the abuser alternates between giving the victim love and affection and withdrawing it, and replace – where the abuser seeks out a new victim to replace the current one. Discard – where the abuser discards the victim once they are no longer of use. Smear – where the abuser spreads lies and rumours about the victim to destroy their reputation, Hoover – where the abuser tries to suck the victim back into the relationship after discarding them, and many others.
Gaslighting is another common tactic used by narcissists in abusive relationships. This involves manipulating the victim into questioning their own reality and sanity, leading them to doubt their perceptions and beliefs. This can create a sense of confusion and self-doubt in the victim, making it easier for the abuser to control and manipulate them.
Blame-shifting is another tactic commonly used by narcissists in abusive relationships. This involves the abuser projecting their own faults and shortcomings onto the victim, making them feel guilty and responsible for the abuse they are experiencing. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame in the victim, furthering the abuser’s control over them.
Fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) is another common tactic used by narcissists in abusive relationships. This involves the abuser using fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate the victim into doing what they want. This can create a sense of powerlessness and helplessness in the victim, making it harder for them to escape the abusive relationship.
Triangulation is another tactic commonly used by narcissists in abusive relationships. This involves the abuser bringing a third party into the relationship to create jealousy and insecurity in the victim. This can create a sense of competition and rivalry in the victim, furthering the abuser’s control over them.
Criticism, projection, provocation, playing the victim, and silent treatments are other tactics commonly used by narcissists in abusive relationships. Criticism involves the abuser belittling and demeaning the victim, and projection involves the abuser projecting their own faults and shortcomings onto the victim, provocation involves the abuser provoking the victim into an emotional response, playing the victim involves the abuser portraying themselves as the victim of the relationship, and silent treatments involve the abuser ignoring and withholding affection from the victim as a form of punishment.
Verbal and emotional abuse are also common in narcissistic relationships. This can take many forms, including name-calling, put-downs, insults, threats, and manipulation. Victims of narcissistic abuse often suffer from a range of side effects, including confusion, self-doubt, self-blame, anxiety, guilt, remorse, isolation, depression, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), feelings of worthlessness, health issues, and forgetfulness.
One of the challenges for victims of narcissistic abuse is that they often normalise or rationalise the abuser’s behaviours. They may believe that the abuse is their fault, or that they somehow deserve it. This can make it difficult for them to leave the abusive relationship, as they may feel trapped and helpless. Victims may also feel ashamed and alone, and may fear judgment and rejection from others if they were to speak out about the abuse.
To escape from narcissistic abuse, it is important for the victim to recognise what they have been through and seek the right support. This may involve therapy, counselling, support groups, or other forms of assistance. It is also important for the victim to create a safe exit plan, including finding a safe place to stay and seeking help from friends, family, or professionals. By taking these steps, victims of narcissistic abuse can begin to heal and move on from the trauma they have experienced.
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Check these out!
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
The description & others you write re narcissitic abuse should by rights be added to the guidelines for cps for charging perpetrators with coercive control…..media & also the police DASH form portray coercive control crime as if it’s ‘he tells me what to wear’, ‘he controls the finances’, ‘he stops me from seeing friends/going out’, but it’s not that: it’s more of the psychological abuse that you describe…. that was what I was subjected to.I met a man who first faked that he was amazing, lied about his past, played victim as if he’d’ been abused by two ex-wives so he made me feel so sorry for him and I now realize it was to get me to do all sorts for him so he could use me…he embroiled me in his past to leech off me….and then eventually once he’d got me living with him after years he gradually in a drip drip fashion brought in the most horrendous psychological abuse tactics (some of which you describe), physical assaults and threats…also part of narcissistic abuse is the projection which really is a separate crime of slander but nobody takes that into consideration in the criminal system – they don’t get put in prison for slander!Criminal court doesn’t mention it in hearings as part of coercive control, even though I expressly kept writing that in statements…..a civil court won’t take it on either – I’ve tried with solicitors but they just don’t want to listen….the whole narcissistic crimes are terrible serious crime that is a whole umbrella of things and impacts us forever and the criminal system makes blunders and failings and the police have no clue….after years of blunders and failings from the criminal system, I took it into my own hands and did my own police statement and pleaded with them that they submit it on their form; that was what got my abuser, I e. NARCISSIST finally escalated from magistrates’ to crown court but it was a torturous comedy of him and his defense solicitor trying to do plea bargaining saying he would plead to this but not that, etc, even though he knew I’d submitted evidence and in the end I’d submitted taped evidence (that was the only way I could prove it) but he never got as much time in prison as he should have done because of wrong procedures that the manipulative defense solicitor did in magistrates and the cps wrongly went along with it and I didn’t know what was going on even though I went to every hearing as victim in the public gallery never allowed to speak…….
Thank you