Why do narcissists have children:
The decision for a narcissist to have children is driven by their own self-interest and need for validation rather than the child’s well-being. Narcissists often see having children as a means to maintain control over a partner, trap them in the relationship, or manipulate them emotionally. Both male and female narcissists believe that having a child together will increase their chances of maintaining a connection with their partner or winning them back in case of a breakup. This shows that narcissists view children as pawns in a game they play to satisfy their own desires.
For male narcissists, the pregnancy of their partner is often a challenging time as they are no longer the centre of attention. The narcissist may become critical of their partner, feeling neglected and no longer getting their excessive need for attention met. As a result, some male narcissists may choose to leave during the pregnancy, only to return after the child is born. This behavior exemplifies their inability to handle being second in priority and their focus on their own needs.
Female narcissists, on the other hand, may use children as a means to trap their male partner and ensure that they always have a pawn to draw him back in. They exploit the child to maintain control over their partner and manipulate him emotionally. The birth of a child strengthens their position in the relationship and provides them with additional power to manipulate their partner, even if it means neglecting the child’s needs.
Ultimately, having a child for a narcissist serves as an illusion to serve themselves. It allows them to create a feel-good story about themselves and paint themselves as victims or heroes. It creates a temporary facade of having a purpose and fixing their brokenness, but this is merely a superficial mask to hide their own internal traumas, which they typically remain oblivious to. Narcissists have not healed their own inner trauma and continue to cause trauma to those around them.
The decision to have a child for a narcissist is driven by their own selfish needs for attention, validation, and power. They view children as extensions of themselves and expect them to behave in a way that fulfils their own desires and expectations. Children who align with the narcissist’s wishes become the golden child, receiving praise and attention, while those who go against the narcissist are blamed and become the scapegoat. However, this form of love and attention is conditional and lacks genuine empathy or understanding.
Narcissistic parents are unable to provide unconditional love, empathy, or genuine care to their children due to their lack of empathy. Their actions are primarily driven by their own needs and desires rather than the well-being of the child. They may create a narrative in their minds that makes them feel important and powerful for creating life, but this is simply a reflection of their own inflated ego and self-image.
In conclusion, narcissists have children to serve their own needs for validation, control, and manipulation. They view children as tools to maintain their power in relationships, satisfy their desires, and create an illusion of a fulfilled life. Unfortunately, this comes at the expense of the child’s well-being, as the narcissist lacks the necessary empathy and capacity for unconditional love that is essential for healthy parenting. Ultimately, the decision to have children for a narcissist is driven by their own selfish desires and serves as another way for them to perpetuate their false narrative and escape their inner insecurities.
The vindictive narcissist:
The vindictive narcissistic parent is a complex and harmful figure in a child’s life. This type of parent is driven by a deep-seated need for validation and superiority, often stemming from their own childhood experiences of feeling inadequate or unappreciated by their own parents. The vindictive narcissistic parent believes that having a child will finally fulfil their desires for admiration and prove to the world that they are superior and better than those around them.
However, their motivations for having a child are deeply flawed. They see the child as an extension of themselves and an opportunity to heal the wounds of their own childhood. They believe that a child will always need them, love them, and take care of them, providing them with the emotional support and validation they have always longed for. In this sense, having a child becomes a means for their own self-fulfilment rather than an act of selflessness and genuine love for another human being.
The narcissistic parent’s obsession with being perceived as a perfect parent often leads them to neglect their child when no one is watching. Their focus is on their own image and the validation they receive from others, rather than the needs and well-being of their child. They may pour attention into the child when people are around, in order to prove their worth as a parent. However, this attention is driven by their own needs, rather than a genuine desire to meet the child’s needs and provide a nurturing environment.
Furthermore, the narcissistic parent may overcompensate for their own perceived shortcomings by pushing their own childhood dreams and desires onto their child. They see the child as a vessel for fulfilling their own unfulfilled aspirations without considering the child’s own wants, needs, and preferences. This creates a suffocating environment where the child’s individuality and autonomy are suppressed in favour of the parent’s own agenda.
Children of narcissistic parents often adapt themselves to fit the parent’s needs, sacrificing their own sense of self in the process. They learn to navigate the narcissist’s ever-changing demands in order to receive conditional love and approval. The child may become a pleaser, constantly striving to fulfil the narcissistic parent’s expectations and avoid their wrath. This role is often played by the golden child, who is praised and rewarded by the narcissistic parent for complying with their wishes.
On the other hand, the scapegoat child is often subjected to harsh criticism and feelings of worthlessness. They are seen as the “bad” child by the narcissistic parent and are blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family dynamic. This constant mistreatment can lead to deep-seated trauma and a distorted self-image in the child.
Both the golden child and the scapegoat child suffer from manipulation and attachment trauma. The golden child may feel responsible for keeping the parent happy and may internalise a sense of duty to constantly please the parent. The scapegoat child, on the other hand, may internalise a sense of worthlessness and struggle with deep-rooted feelings of shame and unworthiness.
In some cases, a narcissistic parent may cycle between treating their child as the golden child, scapegoat child, or even the forgotten child, depending on their own needs at any given time. This instability and inconsistency can further contribute to the child’s confusion, insecurity, and emotional instability.
In conclusion, the vindictive narcissistic parent is driven by their own need for validation and superiority rather than a genuine desire to provide love, care, and support to their child. They often neglect the child when no one is watching and push their own childhood dreams onto the child. This leads to a toxic and suffocating environment where the child’s needs and individuality are suppressed. The child may adapt themselves to meet the narcissistic parent’s demands, leading to trauma and attachment issues. It is essential to recognise and address the detrimental effects of narcissistic parenting to ensure the well-being and healthy development of the child.
The negative impact on children of narcissists:
Narcissistic traits in parents can have profound and lasting effects on their children’s lives. These traits, such as grandiosity, entitlement, vanity, selfishness, lack of empathy, competition, and manipulation, can shape a child’s perception of themselves and their place in the world. The implications of growing up with a narcissistic parent can extend well into adulthood, impacting various aspects of one’s life, including self-worth, relationships, and personal growth.
One of the most detrimental effects of having a narcissistic parent is the constant feeling of inadequacy and the belief that one can never do anything right. The grandiosity displayed by the parent makes the child feel small and insignificant. This feeling often persists into adulthood, where individuals find themselves constantly prioritising the needs of others and neglecting their own. They may struggle to recognise their own worth and constantly seek validation and approval from others.
Entitlement, another hallmark trait of narcissistic parents, can leave children feeling unimportant and overlooked. The parent’s belief that they are entitled to more attention and resources can lead to neglect and emotional abandonment of the child. As adults, individuals who grew up with this type of parenting often find themselves placing their own needs at the bottom of the list, sacrificing their well-being for the sake of others. This selflessness can prevent them from advocating for themselves and expressing their own desires and preferences.
Vanity in narcissistic parents can have a profound impact on a child’s self-image. When a parent views their child as a mere trophy or extension of themselves, the child may develop a relentless pursuit of perfection to earn the parent’s approval and love. This need to constantly prove themselves can lead to high levels of anxiety and self-criticism. In adulthood, individuals who experience this form of parenting often struggle with setting realistic expectations for themselves and may feel compelled to maintain a flawless façade to gain acceptance and love from others.
Selfishness is another trait commonly exhibited by narcissistic parents, causing their children’s needs and emotions to be disregarded and invalidated. Growing up in an environment where one’s needs are consistently ignored can lead to a sense of worthlessness and invisibility. As a result, individuals may downplay their own needs, focusing solely on meeting the needs of others. The fear of being seen as selfish or demanding can prevent them from asserting themselves and seeking support when necessary.
A lack of empathy in narcissistic parents can have lasting effects on a child’s ability to connect with others and express their emotions. When a child’s experiences and feelings are consistently dismissed or invalidated, they learn to hide their true emotions and avoid vulnerability. As adults, they may find it challenging to open up to others, fearing rejection or being misunderstood. This emotional isolation can hinder their ability to develop meaningful relationships and seek the support they need.
Competition is often fueled by narcissistic parents who constantly compare their child to others. This perpetual feeling of never being enough can have a profound impact on the child’s self-esteem and identity formation. As adults, individuals may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or develop an intense drive to prove themselves. This constant striving for validation can lead to burnout and an inability to recognise their own achievements and value.
Manipulation is a common tactic used by narcissistic parents to exert control over their children. This manipulation creates an environment of fear and uncertainty, causing children to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict or punishment. This constant state of alertness can lead to anxiety disorders and difficulties with trust and intimacy in adulthood.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can also lead to a range of negative coping mechanisms and behaviours. Individuals may develop a tendency to people-please, prioritising others’ needs ahead of their own and neglecting their own wants and desires. They may struggle with addictions as a means of numbing the pain or seeking temporary relief from the emotional turmoil. Some individuals who were raised by narcissistic parents may even develop narcissistic traits themselves, perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction in their relationships and interactions with others.
In conclusion, the traits commonly observed in narcissistic parents have severe and far-reaching effects on their children. The grandiosity, entitlement, vanity, selfishness, lack of empathy, competition, and manipulation exhibited by these parents can leave deep emotional scars that impact various aspects of their children’s lives. Understanding these effects is crucial for individuals who have experienced narcissistic parenting to begin their journey towards healing and breaking free from the cycle of dysfunction.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.