One of the best ways to defend yourself against a narcissist is by not defending yourself. When it comes to narcissistic people, they are not rational or reasonable people. However, they will happily draw you into non-productive arguments to force you into communicating with them in a way that they can make out that you’re the one that’s being irrational, you’re the one that’s being unreasonable, you’re being too sensitive, you’re hurting them, basically, because the narcissist didn’t get their own way, they want to twist responsibility away from themselves by projecting straight over to you, to make you feel bad, to make you question, doubt and blame yourself, to make you feel guilty, and one way they do this is by getting you to repeatedly defend yourself to them, there’s no wrong in defending yourself once. If they don’t want to see your perspective that is on them, it’s not up to you to Continue a conversation that they are either on able or unwilling to understand just because it’s not going their own way. Narcissists just going to keep drawing you back into the conversation to keep communication open with you to feel better about themselves, to get one over on you or to get their own way.
We are human, and it’s human nature to fall into the trap of wanting to explain our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions our reasons to justify ourselves. It’s human nature. However, when explaining our thoughts, feelings and opinions to narcissistic people, they’re going to twist it in a way that we end up feeling frustrated, irritated, ignored, angry and confused.
So why shouldn’t you defend yourself to narcissistic people? Narcissists have a remarkable ability to draw you into Non-productive arguments, productive for the narcissist as they’re going to frustrate you, they’re going to blame you they’re going to shame you, they’re going to guilt-trip you, they’re going to do all they can to get their own way with you, however for you it’s not going to be that mutual conversation where you can find understanding compromise it’s going to be a conversation where the narcissist either gets what they want, or you’re going to be left with lots of feelings. Emotions to process as the narcissist seeks to get one over on you.
When defending yourself to narcissistic people, if it’s not what they want to hear, if it’s not something they can use against you, they’re not listening to you. They’re only ever listening for to what they can use to further their advantage over you, to keep drawing you back into the conversation with them so the narcissist can find a way to punish you. The more you defend yourself to a narcissist, The more information you’re giving them to use against you, The more information you’re serving them on a plate to pick and choose what they would like to use against you, to hurt you.
You do not need to defend yourself to those unable or unwilling to listen to you.
Narcissistic people tend to seek excessive admiration. Narcissistic people can be some of the most self-entitled people you could ever meet, they are extremely envious of others, and they lack the empathy to care about how their behaviour hurts others. Therefore they believe that their needs should be met and their sense of entitlement should be met. Narcissists are more than willing to exploit people to get their needs met. They lack the empathy to care for how their exploitation of others affects others, as they seek admiration, so if a narcissist isn’t getting things their own way, they’re going to go all out to provoke you to keep that communication open with you so that they can feel a sense of importance within themselves if they’ve not got what they want from you, they’re going to go all out to get you going, to wind you up, frustrating you, to gain that reaction from you, to get you on your defensive mode, they’re going to become some of the most offensive people you could ever meet to get you to defend yourself to them, as soon as you defend yourself to them they’re going to keep you going and keep you going. So you snap, and then they’re going to stand back and say, what’s wrong with you? Are you having a bad day? You’re crazy. See, this is what I have to put up with. This makes themselves feel better about themselves not getting their own way. Narcissists aren’t interested in communication or compromise. They’re interested in control.
When communicating with a narcissist who is not getting their sense of entitlement met, we get drawn into discussions, debates, conversations arguments with them that we are completely unaware of. We get drawn into the conflict, the drama and the chaos. The narcissist is creating because the narcissist themselves is feeling bad that they didn’t get their own way. Then we are the ones that are feeling frustrated, guilty, irritated, confused and angry as we took part in the argument with them. You do not have to take part in every argument you’re invited to.
It’s very difficult to step away; however, recognising what they are doing and why they are doing it helps you to understand it and walk away from it. Narcissists want their own way, and if they’re not getting their own way, they’re going to provoke you into that non-productive conversation with them. If they’re still not getting their own way, they’re going to twist it any way they can to bring out the worst in you to bring out a side within you that you don’t like so they can feel better about themselves. You might find yourself apologising to them. They’re going to go out to make you feel like you’re the one that’s being awkward, stubborn, selfish, demanding, unreasonable and irrational, so the narcissist doesn’t have to deal with those feelings within themselves. Narcissists are projecting themselves over to you by getting you to defend yourself to them. Usually, because you’re not willing to do what they’re unreasonably expecting of you, you’re allowed your values, you’re allowed your beliefs, and you are allowed to create your boundaries. Narcissists don’t believe you’re entitled to those. They want to break those boundaries down for you. You’re allowed your feelings. You’re allowed your opinions. A narcissist wants to make you feel like you’re not allowed opinions, like you’re not allowed feelings or in some way your feelings or your opinions are wrong, so you question your thoughts, feelings, and opinions, and you stop questioning those of the narcissist.
Nothing you say or do you will ever change the mind of a narcissist. We can fall into the trap of explaining ourselves in so many different ways to them, picking the right time to choose to explain something to them where we feel will not get any retaliation from them; however, if it’s not going, the narcissists way they’re never going to be interested in what you have to say narcissists are only interested in getting you going until they can get their own way, you are literally wasting your breath trying to defend yourself to a narcissist they’ve usually set the conversation up to get you to defend yourself in a way that serves them. Narcissists only want to hear what they want to hear, and if they’re not hearing what they want, they’re going to go all out to provoke you in a way that gets a reaction from you that works in their favour. The reaction that they need from you to play that a reaction against you. The best way to deal with a narcissistic person is when they’re being incredibly offensive. When they are unjustly accusing you of things you haven’t done, The best way to defend yourself against these kinds of people is to not defend yourself against them, retreat and rethink the situation in its entirety. Why didn’t the narcissist get what is it that the narcissist is wanting from you? What insecurity has been triggered within that narcissist? You’re allowed to recognise insecurities been triggered. How about that’s on them to deal with, not you? It’s not up to you to point it out to them. It’s not up to you to make them feel better. That is on them. Whenever you’re defending yourself from a narcissist, you are moving yourself and the narcissist further away from the truth. The narcissist is removing themselves further away from blame, and the narcissist is removing themselves further away from taking responsibility for their behaviour.
You can explain once, and if they don’t want to listen to that explanation that is on them not you, don’t continue down the line of communication where you’re the one that’s the feeling confused, hurt, angry, frustrated
Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, such as in court cases and make sure your responses are ones that you would be happy with the Judge Reading and not an emotional reaction to the narcissist.
As people do have different perceptions, people do have different opinions. People have different values. People have different beliefs. Genuine people who may not see your point of view, you might not even be able to see their point of view. This is when we communicate with each other and explain ourselves to each other, try to understand each other to gain greater awareness which works great when two people are willing to do so. Narcissistic people are not interested in what you think. They’re interested in creating an environment to make you think in a way that works in their favour.
Narcissists are not interested in seeing other people’s points of view. They’re own interested in their own agenda.
One rule to deal with a narcissist is by defending yourself by not defending yourself to them by breaking up that communication so that they can no longer use your explanations against you. So they can’t provoke feelings and behaviours within you that are out of character for you.
Narcissists aren’t looking for closure, they’re looking to open up your wounds.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.