Passive-Aggressiveness in Narcissists: 8 Subtle Tactics They Use to Control You
When people think of narcissistic behaviour, they often imagine loud, arrogant, and domineering personalities. While that description fits the overt narcissist, there is another type that is harder to spot but equally damaging—the covert narcissist. Instead of shouting or demanding attention openly, covert narcissists rely heavily on passive-aggressiveness to get what they want.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is not straightforward hostility. Instead, it hides anger or resentment under subtle actions, backhanded words, or indirect manipulation. It allows the narcissist to express control, punish others, and deny responsibility all at the same time. The result is confusion, guilt, and self-doubt for their target.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Let’s break down the most common ways narcissists use passive-aggressiveness, and what you can do to protect yourself.
1. The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is one of the narcissist’s favourite weapons. Instead of resolving conflict like an adult, they withdraw communication altogether. They may ignore your messages, avoid eye contact, or refuse to acknowledge your presence. The goal is simple: make you feel anxious, desperate, and guilty until you beg for their attention again.
By not saying a word, the narcissist still sends a loud message: you are being punished.
How to handle it: Resist chasing after them or over-apologising. Stay calm, set time limits, and do not let silence dictate your worth.
2. Backhanded Compliments
A covert narcissist rarely gives genuine praise. Instead, they mask criticism inside what appears to be a compliment. Phrases like, “You’re so brave to wear that” or “You’ve done well, considering” are designed to sound supportive while actually cutting you down.
These comments chip away at your confidence and create insecurity, all while the narcissist pretends they were only “being nice.”
How to handle it: Recognise these “compliments” for what they are—veiled insults. Respond neutrally or with humour rather than defending yourself.
3. Sarcasm as a Weapon
Many narcissists rely on sarcasm and jokes at your expense. They may say something cruel in a group setting, then laugh and claim, “I was only joking.” This is a way to humiliate you while denying responsibility. If you call it out, they’ll accuse you of being too sensitive.
How to handle it: Don’t get drawn into defending why it hurt. Instead, calmly state, “That wasn’t funny,” and move on. Refusing to play along strips the joke of its power.
4. Procrastination and Withholding Help
Narcissists often agree to help or commit to something but then delay, avoid, or “forget.” It’s not genuine forgetfulness—it’s a power play. By dragging their feet, they control the pace, undermine your plans, and make you dependent on them.
For example, they might promise to pick something up for you, then repeatedly “forget,” forcing you to either chase them or give up.
How to handle it: Stop relying on repeated promises. Set clear expectations and follow through with alternatives if they fail.
5. Feigned Forgetfulness
Similar to procrastination, narcissists may “forget” important dates, agreements, or responsibilities. They might fail to remember your birthday or neglect something they previously agreed to. On the surface, it looks like carelessness, but underneath, it’s deliberate avoidance.
By forgetting, they shift the responsibility back onto you, often leaving you frustrated or questioning whether you asked properly.
How to handle it: Document agreements and plans. Don’t allow “forgetting” to erase accountability.
6. Victim Pouting
When things don’t go their way, narcissists often retreat into sulking. They may sigh loudly, look miserable, or exaggerate their suffering until you feel guilty. The goal is to make you abandon your boundaries and give in to restore peace.
How to handle it: Don’t reward sulking with compliance. Offer empathy if necessary, but stand firm on your decisions.
7. Non-Verbal Hostility
Sometimes the narcissist won’t use words at all. Instead, they express their anger through eye-rolling, sighing, slamming doors, or giving exaggerated looks of disappointment. This silent aggression communicates resentment while still allowing them to deny they were “angry.”
How to handle it: Label the behaviour calmly if needed—“I can see you’re upset”—but don’t let it drag you into defending yourself.
8. Dry Begging (Indirect Requests)
Another subtle tactic is what’s often called “dry begging.” Instead of asking directly, the narcissist drops hints, sighs, or makes side comments designed to pressure you into offering. For example: “Wow, must be nice to have free time” or “I wish someone would help me with this.”
By hinting instead of asking, they avoid rejection while still guilting you into compliance.
How to handle it: Don’t take the bait. If they want something, they can ask directly. Respond with clarity: “If you’re asking for help, please say so.”
Why Narcissists Use Passive-Aggressiveness
Passive-aggressiveness gives narcissists the best of both worlds: they get to release anger or assert control without ever being openly accountable. If you call them out, they can deny it, twist the blame back onto you, or accuse you of being oversensitive.
It’s also a way to keep you unsettled. Because the hostility is hidden, you’re left second-guessing your own feelings and reactions. This ongoing confusion is what keeps many people trapped in narcissistic relationships.
How to Protect Yourself
Dealing with a passive-aggressive narcissist is exhausting, but there are ways to safeguard your emotional wellbeing:
- Don’t take the bait. Recognise manipulation for what it is.
- Set clear boundaries. Be firm about what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate.
- Stay calm. Reacting emotionally feeds their need for control.
- Document patterns. Keeping records helps you see the bigger picture.
- Limit exposure. If possible, reduce contact or disengage from unnecessary interactions.
Final Thoughts
Passive-aggressiveness is one of the narcissist’s most insidious tools. It allows them to punish, control, and confuse while pretending innocence. Once you see the patterns clearly, you’ll realise the problem isn’t your sensitivity—it’s their inability to handle emotions in a healthy way.
The key is to protect your energy. Stay grounded, hold your boundaries, and remember: you don’t need to manage their moods. That’s their responsibility, not yours.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
