What Do Narcissists Actually Feel?
When it comes to emotions, narcissists are often seen as emotionally detached or even dead inside. While they can put on an impressive act, mimicking the emotions of those around them, they do not experience the usual feelings that most people do. They may appear to express empathy, joy, or sadness, but these are learned behaviours, not genuine emotions. Narcissists lack the depth of emotional connection that most people take for granted. They know what these emotions look like in others, but they are unable to feel them themselves.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
This inability to connect with emotions is one of the hallmarks of narcissism. Narcissists are emotionally paralysed. They can go through the motions of interacting with others, but the internal experience is hollow. They might smile, laugh, or even cry when it seems appropriate, but these actions are often performed to manipulate or gain control over others, rather than as a reflection of genuine feeling.
The Awareness of Their Emotional Disconnect
Even the most unaware narcissists, those who may not fully understand who they are or why they behave the way they do, have an awareness of their emotional detachment. They know, on some level, that they feel different from others. They understand that their emotional responses do not align with the people around them. However, they lack the empathy to care about how their behaviour affects others.
This awareness can manifest in different ways. Some narcissists may recognise that they can’t feel the same things that others do, and they may even feel a sense of superiority or frustration because of it. Others may be entirely oblivious to their emotional void, but they still know that something is missing. They may sense that they are not truly connected to others, but instead of seeking emotional growth, they focus on finding ways to manipulate those around them to feel a sense of power.
The Power of Control
What narcissists do feel is a deep need for power and control. They crave admiration and validation from others, and they derive a sense of energy and fulfilment from getting people to please them. This need for power is not just a preference; it is a necessity. It is what drives them forward and motivates their actions. They may not feel joy or contentment, but they do feel a rush of power when they manipulate others into giving them the attention and praise they crave.
This need for control is addictive. Once they experience the power of manipulation, they become hooked. The more they can control others, the more they feel validated, even though this feeling is fleeting. The emptiness they feel is temporarily filled by the reactions of those around them, but it never lasts. Narcissists are constantly searching for new ways to feed their need for validation, often at the expense of others.
The Emotions They Do Feel
Although narcissists are emotionally numb in many ways, they do experience certain negative emotions. These include shame, jealousy, anger, and hate. These emotions are often linked to their perception of themselves and their inability to maintain the idealised image they have created for themselves.
- Shame: Narcissists are often ashamed of their true selves. They go to great lengths to hide their vulnerabilities and insecurities, constructing a false persona that they believe will protect them from feeling exposed. When their facade is threatened, they can feel intense shame. However, this shame is rarely dealt with in a healthy way. Instead, it often manifests as rage or defensive behaviour.
- Jealousy: Narcissists are notoriously jealous. They cannot stand to see others receiving attention or praise that they believe they deserve. If someone else is the centre of attention, they will often try to undermine that person or create drama to redirect the focus back onto themselves. This jealousy can also extend to material possessions, such as a better house, car, or lifestyle. Narcissists are envious of anyone who appears to have something they don’t, and they will often try to outdo them in an effort to regain their sense of superiority.
- Anger: Narcissists often react with rage when they are criticised or when their sense of self-importance is challenged. They cannot tolerate being told they are wrong, and they will go to great lengths to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Instead of reflecting on their behaviour, they will deflect blame onto others, making it seem like the criticism is unjustified. This leads to frequent arguments, as they refuse to acknowledge their flaws and mistakes.
- Hatred: Narcissists can harbour intense hatred for those who reject or oppose them. If someone dares to challenge their authority or stand up to them, they will often retaliate with venomous rage. This hatred is not rooted in genuine feelings of animosity, but rather in the narcissist’s need to maintain control and dominance. Anyone who threatens their sense of superiority becomes an enemy to be destroyed.
The Absence of Positive Emotions
Despite their ability to mimic emotions, narcissists do not experience positive emotions like genuine happiness, joy, or empathy for others. They are emotionally stunted, unable to connect with the feelings that others take for granted. This emotional void leaves them constantly searching for ways to fill the gap. However, no amount of praise or admiration can truly satisfy their need for emotional fulfilment.
If you are watching a charity appeal on television, for example, a narcissist may make a dismissive remark like, “Don’t bother, they’ll never get any money,” simply to redirect attention back to themselves. They do not feel sympathy for others, and they are not capable of experiencing the warmth or compassion that would motivate them to help.
How Did They Get This Way?
So, how did narcissists become this way? Were they born without the ability to feel empathy or compassion, or was it something that developed over time? The truth is, it is likely a combination of both nature and nurture.
Some narcissists may have been born with certain personality traits that made them more prone to narcissism. These traits could include a high need for validation, a lack of emotional depth, or an inability to regulate their emotions. Others may have been raised in environments that reinforced these traits, such as being excessively praised or indulged by parents, or being neglected and left to fend for themselves emotionally.
Narcissism can also develop as a defence mechanism. If a child experiences neglect, abuse, or emotional trauma, they may develop narcissistic traits as a way of coping with their pain. By constructing a false persona and demanding attention and admiration from others, they can protect themselves from the emotional void they feel inside.
The Narcissist’s View of Others
Narcissists see others as tools to be used for their own gain. They do not form genuine emotional connections with people, but instead view them as objects to be manipulated. They may laugh along with others, but only if it serves their purpose. If they see someone else receiving praise or attention, they will feel threatened and jealous. They cannot tolerate being overshadowed by others and will do whatever it takes to regain the spotlight.
This need for control can lead to explosive behaviour, especially in social situations. Narcissists often cause drama or create arguments to draw attention back to themselves. If they are not the centre of attention, they will do everything in their power to ensure that they are.
The Best Way to Deal with a Narcissist
Now that you understand how narcissists feel, the best thing you can do is walk away. The more you react to their behaviour, the more power you give them. Narcissists thrive on drama and attention, and they will do anything to keep you hooked. The best revenge is living a life that is free from their manipulation and control. By cutting ties and moving on, you take away the one thing that gives them power: your reaction.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, remember that you are not responsible for their emotional dysfunction. They will always blame others for their problems, but ultimately, they are the ones who need to change. By walking away and reclaiming your own life, you are taking the first step towards healing and reclaiming your emotional well-being.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
