This article explores the various tactics and behaviours associated with narcissistic abuse, including abuse by proxy, gaslighting, manipulation, and more. By understanding these behaviours, readers can recognise and protect themselves from narcissistic individuals who seek to control and manipulate them for their own gain.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Abuse by proxy is when a narcissist enlists others to engage in manipulative or abusive behaviour on their behalf, such as spreading rumours about their target to ruin their reputation. An example would be a narcissist persuading their friends to exclude someone they believe has slighted them.
Bait and switch is when a narcissist lures someone in with a promise or offer, only to change the terms or withhold what was promised once the person is committed. For instance, a narcissistic boss may promise a promotion at work to a colleague, but then never follow through on it.
Blame shifting is when a narcissist refuses to take responsibility for their actions and instead shifts the blame onto others, making excuses and deflecting criticism. An example would be a narcissist blaming their partner for the failure of their relationship while refusing to acknowledge their own mistreatment.
Boundary breaking is when a narcissist disregards another person’s personal space, emotions, or limits, crossing the line in order to satisfy their own needs. This could be seen in a relationship where a narcissist invades their partner’s privacy by going through their personal belongings without permission.
Cerebral narcissists are obsessed with their intelligence and use it to feel superior and manipulate others, for example, a person who constantly seeks to demonstrate their superior knowledge in academic or professional settings.
Compassionate narcissists use their supposed empathy and care for others as a means to gain attention and admiration, for example, a person who constantly showcases their charitable acts and kindness to display their moral superiority.
Counter parenting is when a narcissist undermines or interferes with the parenting of their children’s other parent, typically for their own gain or control. An example would be a narcissistic parent badmouthing the other parent to the child in order to alienate them.
Covert narcissists often appear humble or shy on the surface, while manipulating and exploiting others behind the scenes for their own benefit. An example could be a covert narcissist who plays the victim to elicit sympathy, while secretly manipulating others to do their bidding.
Devaluing is when a narcissist diminishes the worth or importance of another person, often through insults, belittling, or degrading behaviour. This can be seen in a romantic relationship where a narcissist constantly criticises and puts down their partner.
Discarding is when a narcissist abruptly and heartlessly ends a relationship or connection once the person is no longer useful or fulfilling their needs. For example, a narcissist might abruptly break up with their partner once they no longer feel they are getting what they want from the relationship.
Divide and conquer is when a narcissist purposefully creates conflict or division among others in order to maintain control over them. An example would be a narcissist pitting their friends against each other to ensure they are the one in the center of attention and power.
Dry begging is the act of seeking attention or validation indirectly, such as posting vague status updates on social media in the hopes of receiving comforting responses without explicitly asking for it, for example, sharing a cryptic post about feeling unappreciated and waiting for people to ask what’s wrong instead of directly expressing their feelings.
Enablers are people who support and enable the narcissist’s behaviour, often making excuses for them and validating their actions. For instance, a friend who constantly defends the narcissist’s rude behaviour towards others instead of holding them accountable.
Emotional manipulation: A narcissist may use emotional manipulation by constantly making their victim feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, ultimately controlling their behaviour and emotions.
Example: “I can’t believe you’re going out with your friends instead of spending time with me, I thought you cared about me more than that.”
Fear: A narcissist may use fear to control their victim by threatening to leave them or harm themselves if their demands are not met.
Example: “If you don’t do what I tell you, I’ll leave you, and you’ll be all alone.”
Guilt: A narcissist may use guilt to manipulate their victim by constantly reminding them of all the things they have done for them and making them feel indebted.
Example: “I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you repay me? I can’t believe you would do this to me after all I’ve done for you.”
Obligation: A narcissist may use obligation to control their victim by making them feel responsible for their happiness and well-being.
Example: “I wouldn’t be able to cope without you. You need to stick around and take care of me.”
Future faking is making grand promises or plans for the future without any intention of following through, in order to keep others invested in the relationship. For example, a narcissist might repeatedly talk about plans for a romantic vacation, but ultimately never makes any concrete steps to actually make it happen.
Flying monkeys are individuals who act on behalf of the narcissist, spreading their manipulative messages or carrying out their bidding. This could be a friend who confronts someone on behalf of the narcissist, delivering a message or intimidation tactics.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the narcissist denies or distorts the truth in order to make the victim doubt their own memories and perceptions. For instance, a narcissist might deny saying hurtful things, causing the victim to question whether they actually heard it.
Grandiose narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement, seeking constant admiration and attention, for example, a person who believes they are always right and insists on being the centre of attention in social situations.
Hoovering is the act of trying to suck a former partner back into a relationship by using manipulation tactics such as love bombing or guilt-tripping. For example, a narcissist might shower their ex with compliments and promises of change after a breakup in order to win them back.
Idealisation is when the narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal during the initial stages of the relationship, showering them with love and praise, for example, constantly telling their partner that they are the best thing that has ever happened to them and idealising their every attribute.
Insincere apologies are when the narcissist makes superficial or non-genuine apologies to appease others without actually taking responsibility for their actions. For instance, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” instead of acknowledging their own wrongdoing.
Intermittent reinforcement is when a narcissist alternates between giving affection and being cold and distant, leaving the victim unsure of where they stand in the relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be loving and supportive one moment, only to ignore and belittle their partner the next.
Isolation is the act of cutting off a victim from their support system, such as friends and family, in order to maintain control over them. For example, a narcissist might discourage their partner from spending time with their loved ones, causing them to become more dependent on the narcissist for validation and support.
Love bombing is when a narcissist bombards someone with excessive affection and attention in the early stages of a relationship, only to later withdraw and become emotionally unavailable. For example, a narcissist may shower their partner with gifts, compliments, and affection at the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes on, they become distant and uninterested.
Malignant narcissists are extremely manipulative and dangerous, seeking power and control over others at any cost, for example, a person who uses intimidation and coercion to dominate and mistreat their employees or romantic partners.
Manipulation is when a narcissist uses deceit, charm, or other tactics to control or exploit others for their own gain. An example of this would be a narcissist using guilt or gaslighting to make their partner feel responsible for their own insecurities or unhappiness.
Mirroring is when a narcissist mimics the interests, opinions, and personalities of their target in order to gain their trust and manipulate them. For instance, a narcissist might pretend to share all the same hobbies, beliefs, and values as their new friend in order to quickly build a close, trusting relationship.
Monkey branching is when a narcissist lines up a new romantic partner before ending their current relationship, ensuring they always have someone to fall back on. An example of this behaviour would be a narcissist already flirting with a new person while still in a committed relationship, ready to move on as soon as things end with their current partner.
Narcissistic abuse: This behaviour involves manipulating and controlling others through emotional and psychological tactics, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, and guilt-tripping, in order to feel superior and maintain power and control. For example, a narcissistic partner may use manipulation and emotional blackmail to make their significant other feel responsible for their own abusive behaviour.
Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist feels wounded, offended, or invalidated, often in response to criticism or rejection. For example, a narcissist may become extremely upset and defensive when someone questions their abilities or disagrees with their opinion.
Narcissistic rage is a volatile and intense outburst of anger, aggression, or vindictiveness that a narcissist displays when they feel slighted or belittled. An example of this would be a narcissist lashing out with insults and threats when they feel their superiority is challenged.
Narcissistic smirk is a smug, self-satisfied expression that a narcissist may make when they feel superior or have caused someone else discomfort. For instance, a narcissist may smirk when they witness someone else’s failure or embarrassment, finding satisfaction in the other person’s discomfort.
Narcissistic stare: This behaviour involves an intense and intimidating gaze that makes others feel uncomfortable and small, as if they are being scrutinised and judged. For example, a narcissistic boss may give a piercing stare to an employee who questions their authority, making the employee feel belittled and intimidated.
Neglect is when a narcissist ignores the needs, feelings, and boundaries of others, often prioritising their own desires and interests. An example of this would be a narcissist consistently disregarding their partner’s emotional needs and not showing support or empathy when they are upset.
Overt narcissism is when a person openly displays their sense of superiority, entitlement, and grandiosity, often seeking attention and admiration from others. This could manifest as someone constantly boasting about their accomplishments and putting others down to make themselves look better.
Playing the victim is when a narcissist pretends to be the one who is suffering or oppressed in a situation to gain sympathy and deflect blame. For instance, a narcissistic friend might constantly complain about their problems to get attention and support from others while disregarding the needs and feelings of those around them.
Post-separation abuse: involves the narcissist using tactics such as stalking, harassment, and manipulation to maintain control over their ex-partner and continue to exert power and dominance over them. For example, a narcissist may constantly text or call their ex-partner, make false accusations against them, and show up uninvited to events or places where the ex-partner is present to intimidate and harass them.
Projection is when a narcissist attributes their own negative traits, feelings, or behaviours to others, often to avoid taking responsibility or facing their own shortcomings. For example, a narcissist may accuse their partner of being selfish and inconsiderate when, in reality, it is the narcissist who possesses these qualities.
Reactive abuse occurs when a narcissist provokes the victim into reacting emotionally or inappropriately and then uses that reaction to manipulate and blame the victim. An example of this behaviour would be a narcissistic boss purposely criticising an employee to the point where the employee loses their temper and then using that as an excuse to give the employee a negative performance review.
Scapegoating is when a narcissist blames someone else for their own mistakes, such as a boss blaming an employee for a project’s failure to avoid taking responsibility themselves. They often use this tactic to deflect negative attention away from themselves.
Supply: Narcissists seek out a constant supply of attention and admiration from others, often using manipulation and charm to get what they want, for example, a partner constantly demanding praise and admiration from their significant other to feel validated and superior.
Silent treatments are a form of emotional abuse where the narcissist ignores or refuses to communicate with their victim, such as a parent giving their child the silent treatment as punishment for not meeting their expectations.
Stonewalling: This behaviour involves refusing to communicate or engage in conflict resolution, shutting down and withdrawing from any discussion or confrontation in order to maintain control and avoid accountability. For example, a narcissistic friend may stonewall and refuse to address any concerns or criticisms, effectively shutting down the conversation and refusing to take any responsibility for their actions.
Smear campaigns: Narcissists engage in smear campaigns by spreading lies and rumours about someone in order to damage their reputation and make themselves look superior, such as a coworker spreading false information about another to gain a promotion.
Somatic narcissists are obsessed with their physical appearance and use their sexuality to manipulate and control others, for example, a person who constantly posts selfies and seeks validation through their physical attributes.
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where a narcissist creates tension and conflict between two people by playing them against each other, for example, a parent telling one child negative things about the other to cause a rift between them.
Vulnerable narcissists appear sensitive and self-effacing but use their vulnerabilities to manipulate and control others, for example, a person who plays the victim to gain sympathy and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Word salad: A narcissist uses word salad to confuse and manipulate others by stringing together random words and phrases that make no sense, often in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or to gaslight their victim into questioning their own sanity.
In conclusion, narcissistic abuse takes many different forms, from manipulation and control to emotional and psychological tactics. It can be subtle and covert, such as gaslighting and future faking, or overt and aggressive, such as narcissistic rage and blame shifting. Understanding the various behaviours and tactics used by narcissists is crucial in recognising and addressing narcissistic abuse in relationships, friendships, and workplaces. It is important to seek support and validation from trusted sources, and to set and maintain healthy boundaries in order to protect oneself from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse.
What Are The 7 Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship. Pattern’s Of Narcissism.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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