Narcissists rarely change. It’s a hard truth to accept, especially when they’re so skilled at making you believe they’ve transformed. They’re experts in manipulation, knowing exactly what to say and do to convince you that they’re different, that they’ve “seen the light” or “hit rock bottom.” However, once they’ve pulled you back into their web, you’ll soon realise that their behaviours have not changed at all. Their cycle continues. They may even escalate their tactics, and before you know it, you’re back at square one, stuck in the same patterns.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here are seven tactics narcissists use to make you think they’ve changed, and how they manipulate you into falling for it every time.
1. Love-Bombing You Again
When a narcissist senses that you’re starting to pull away or detach, they will suddenly shift gears. They’ll shower you with affection, attention, and grand gestures, reminiscent of the early days of your relationship. It’s as if the floodgates have opened, and now, they’re the perfect partner, giving you everything you’ve been longing for. This is called love-bombing, and it’s an old trick. The narcissist knows it’s the quickest way to hook you back in. They’ll make you feel like you’re the most important person in their life again, perhaps even more so than ever before. But don’t be fooled. This behaviour is not about genuine change, it’s about regaining control. The aim is to make you feel emotionally invested once more, while they prepare to take charge again. The moment they feel secure in their position, the love-bombing stops, and their true nature begins to emerge again.
2. Fake Apologies with No Real Accountability
One of the most common tactics used by narcissists when they realise they’ve pushed you too far is to offer what appears to be an apology. However, it’s not a genuine apology, it’s a strategic attempt to regain control of the situation. They might say something like, “I know I messed up,” but they won’t actually explain what they did wrong or take responsibility. Instead, they’ll deflect by blaming external factors like stress, their past experiences, or even you for their actions. This allows them to maintain the illusion of control, making it seem as if their poor behaviour wasn’t really their fault. The apology is hollow, meant only to manipulate you into letting your guard down. If a narcissist truly changes, their actions would reflect accountability. But instead, they offer excuses and half-hearted statements to ease their way back into your life.
3. Temporary Good Behaviour
For a short while, a narcissist might appear to be kinder, more attentive, and respectful of your boundaries. They’ll listen when you speak, offer to help with tasks, and generally act like a better version of themselves. But this behaviour is temporary, only enough to make you believe that they’ve changed for the better. The narcissist doesn’t do this because they care about your feelings or well-being; they do it because they’re testing the waters, making sure they have control over you again before they can revert to their old ways. This period of good behaviour doesn’t last. Once they feel secure, they’ll drop the mask and return to their true self, often starting the cycle of manipulation all over again.
4. Using Therapy as a Weapon
Many narcissists will claim to have entered therapy, or they may even attend a few sessions, but not for the reasons you might think. They’re not going to therapy to better themselves, they’re going to use it as a tool to manipulate you. They’ll drop references to therapy language in conversation, trying to convince you that they’re working on their issues. They might say things like, “I’ve learned in therapy that I need to be more patient,” or “I’m trying to work on my communication skills.” The problem is, they’re not genuinely doing the work. They’re just using therapy as a weapon to prove to you that they’re “changing” when, in reality, nothing is different. It’s just another tactic to keep you invested in their story, while they continue to manipulate the situation to their advantage.
5. Guilt-Tripping You for Not Trusting Them
When a narcissist senses that you’re pulling away, they’ll often turn the tables and make you feel guilty for not trusting them. They might say things like, “I’m trying so hard, and you won’t even give me a chance,” or “Why can’t you just forgive me?” The goal is to make you feel bad for doubting them, or for not believing in their supposed transformation. They’ll appeal to your empathy, asking for the benefit of the doubt, and trying to guilt-trip you into accepting their behaviour. The truth is, if someone has truly changed, they wouldn’t have to beg for your trust—they would have earned it through consistent action over time.
6. Blaming External Factors
Rather than taking responsibility for their actions, narcissists will often blame external factors for their behaviour. They’ll say things like, “I was just really stressed,” or “It was my childhood trauma.” While these factors may be real and even partially explain their actions, they are not an excuse for bad behaviour. Real change doesn’t come from external circumstances, it comes from within. A narcissist will use these excuses as a way to deflect blame and avoid taking accountability for their actions. Instead of working on themselves, they’ll use these external factors as a crutch to justify their toxic behaviour and keep you stuck in the cycle.
7. Rushing Commitment to Prove They’re ‘Serious’
One of the most telling signs that a narcissist hasn’t really changed is when they rush to make commitments. They might push for marriage, move in together, or talk about having children as a way to prove that they’re serious about the relationship. The truth is, they’re not doing this because they want a deeper connection, they’re doing it to trap you. They know that once you’re more deeply committed, it will be harder for you to leave or challenge their behaviour. It’s all part of the strategy to keep you locked in, while they continue to assert control.
Final Thought
If someone has truly changed, their actions will consistently reflect that change over time, without them needing to convince you. Narcissists are brilliant at manipulating perception and convincing you that they’ve transformed, but their actions rarely align with their words. Watch their behaviour, not their promises. If their actions aren’t consistent, and the cycle of manipulation starts again, you’ve been duped. Trust in your instincts, and know that real change takes time, effort, and accountability, things that narcissists are simply incapable of.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
7 Manipulative Tactics Narcissists Use to Convince You They’ve Changed
