The 7 Steps Narcissists Go Through When You Stand Up to Them
Setting boundaries with a narcissist can be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. Narcissists are notorious for their manipulative behaviours, and when you try to stand up for yourself or assert your needs, they will often go to great lengths to undermine your efforts. They may use various tactics to maintain control, deflect responsibility, and make you feel guilty or confused.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here’s what typically happens when you set boundaries with a narcissist:
1. Refuse to Engage
The first step a narcissist will take when you set a boundary is to stonewall you. They may completely ignore your request or refuse to acknowledge the issue at hand. This tactic is designed to make you feel invisible and unimportant, which, in turn, creates self-doubt and frustration. The narcissist may withhold communication, avoid answering your questions, or act as though you never even brought up the boundary.
By refusing to engage, they are hoping to wear you down and break your resolve. Narcissists often believe that if they simply ignore you long enough, you will give up and abandon your boundary altogether. This is a form of control that allows them to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.
2. Turn the Tables
Once the narcissist realises that ignoring you isn’t enough, they will likely attempt to turn the tables. They will accuse you of being unreasonable or even mirror the behaviour of someone they have previously criticised. They may say things like, “This is exactly what your dad/mum/partner used to do to me,” or “You’re acting just like [someone they’ve complained about].”
This tactic is meant to guilt-trip you and distract you from the real issue at hand. By accusing you of being like someone else, the narcissist is trying to shift the focus away from their behaviour and onto yours. This can be incredibly confusing and frustrating, as it makes you question whether you’re in the wrong, even though you know deep down that you’re simply trying to set a healthy boundary.
3. Play Confused
When guilt-tripping doesn’t work, the narcissist will often switch to playing confused. They may feign bafflement and say things like, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong,” or “If the truth hurts, that’s not my fault.” This tactic is designed to deflect accountability and place the blame on you for being upset or offended.
By pretending to be confused or unaware of their actions, the narcissist is attempting to manipulate you into feeling responsible for their behaviour. They want you to believe that you’re the one overreacting or being too sensitive. In reality, they are avoiding taking any responsibility for their actions and are instead trying to keep you on the defensive.
4. Victim Mode
One of the most common tactics a narcissist will use when you stand up to them is to play the victim. Narcissists love to portray themselves as the martyr in any situation, even if they are the ones causing the harm. When you set a boundary, they may claim that they are being treated unfairly, saying things like, “This feels just like how I was treated by so-and-so,” or “Why are you doing this to me?”
This is a classic narcissistic move—by positioning themselves as the victim, they hope to evoke sympathy from you and others. They may even bring up past grievances or past trauma to justify their current behaviour. The narcissist wants to shift the focus away from their actions and onto how they are “suffering” as a result of your boundary. This tactic is designed to make you feel guilty for asserting yourself, and it can be highly effective if you’re not aware of what’s happening.
5. Recruit Flying Monkeys
If the narcissist is unable to manipulate you directly, they may turn to others for support. They will often recruit “flying monkeys”—people who are easily manipulated by the narcissist to act on their behalf. These flying monkeys may be friends, family members, or colleagues who are convinced that the narcissist is the real victim.
The narcissist will tell a skewed version of events to their flying monkeys, making it seem like you are the one at fault. They may say things like, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but could you talk to them for me? They’ve been so cruel.” The narcissist’s goal is to get these people to pressure you into dropping your boundaries and returning to the status quo. This can be incredibly isolating, as it may feel like everyone is turning against you, but it’s important to recognise that these people are being manipulated as well.
6. Demand Reconciliation
If the narcissist’s other tactics don’t work, they will often escalate the situation by demanding reconciliation. They may insist that you’re overreacting, that you’re being too harsh, or that you’re being unreasonable. The narcissist wants you to drop your boundary and return to the relationship as it was before.
They may even use emotional manipulation to try to convince you that your boundary is causing unnecessary tension or hurting them. They might say things like, “Why are you doing this to me?” or “I thought we were supposed to be in this together.” This is another attempt to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself, and it can be difficult to resist, especially if you care about the narcissist or want to avoid conflict.
7. Punish and Test
If you hold firm to your boundaries, the narcissist will likely resort to punishment. This may come in the form of the silent treatment, more accusations, or increased manipulation. They may try to punish you for not complying with their demands by withholding affection, support, or attention.
The narcissist will also test your resolve by continuing to push boundaries and see if you’ll back down. They may make subtle or overt attempts to re-establish control, all while continuing to play the victim. This is a final test to see how much power they still have over you, and it’s crucial to stand your ground.
7 Steps Narcissists Take When You Stand Up to Them.
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is never easy, but it is necessary for your emotional well-being. Narcissists will use a variety of tactics to manipulate, guilt-trip, and confuse you into abandoning your boundaries. However, by understanding these steps and recognising the narcissist’s tactics, you can maintain your boundaries and protect your peace.
Remember, narcissists will try everything to regain control, but standing firm and holding your ground is the best way to ensure that your needs are respected. You have the right to set boundaries and protect yourself from emotional manipulation, and doing so is the first step toward reclaiming your power.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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