Why narcissists rarely say sorry and how they get you to apologise to them for the things they’ve done to you, why most narcissists don’t issue any form of apology unless they can shift the blame because they have something to gain, from sucking someone back into their games to evading disciplinary action, avoiding consequences for their actions.
A narcissists false apology is a form of emotional abuse. It’s done to gaslight your reality so the narcissist can get away with the things they do to you, a narcissist wants you to take responsibility for their behaviour, so they don’t have to.
Narcissists rarely apologies for their behaviour, and those who do offer a genuine apology just further manipulation.
An apology without changed behaviour is further manipulation.
In order to offer a genuine apology, people need to be able to recognise the mistakes they’ve made. They would apologies with those “I’m sorry I.” Acknowledging and taking ownership of their behaviour, learning from their behaviour and not repeating their behaviour. When it comes to a narcissist, they’re unwilling to reflect on mistakes they’ve made. The best you’ll get from a narcissist is where they’ll find a scapegoat to blame for the narcissist’s mistakes. As they don’t take ownership of their behaviour, they don’t change their behaviour. They just blame and shame those around them. If they feel cornered into offering an apology, it’s a narcissistic false apology of “I’m sorry you.”
To offer a genuine apology, people need to take responsibility for their behaviour. As a narcissist sees all others as having caused the narcissists behaviour, they don’t take responsibility for their behaviour. Instead, they believe that someone else made them do it or you deserved it. (No one deserves abuse, abuse is abuse, no excuse.) it’s good to be responsible for our own behaviour. However, we also have to learn to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for theirs. We make enough of our own mistakes to learn from. We don’t need to hold ourselves accountable for other people. Just as our behaviour is on us, their behaviour is on them.
Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions as part of their disorder is that sense of entitlement. Therefore they feel entitled to do the things they do. They are arrogant enough to believe that it’s one rule for them and another for everyone else around them. They lack the empathy to be able to comprehend how their behaviour hurts another. If they do understand how their behaviour has hurt another due to their envy, they seek to punish others, lacking empathy to care and believing others deserved the narcissist’s hideous punishments and endless mind games.
A narcissist doesn’t want to be held responsible for their behaviour unless they have something to gain. They don’t want to be exposed for who they indeed are, why they covertly manipulate to hide their true intentions.
A Narcissist will excuse, rationalise and justify their own behaviour within their own minds and within the minds of those around them so that the narcissist can get away with their behaviour.
To offer a genuine apology, people need to feel remorseful, those feelings of shame, those feelings of blame, those feelings of guilt, most people feel when they’ve done something wrong, the willingness to put ego to one side, admit fault and learn from the mistake made, with a narcissist they lack the empathy to feel guilty, they might feel the shame which is why they pass the blame, a narcissist often wants to be recognised as someone who is better than thou and doesn’t make mistakes.
To offer a genuine apology, people would want to Repair any damage they have caused. They’d want to restore the connection with the other person, restore the faith and the trust, rebuild the relationship back up. They’d want to show the person they hurt that they can admit to a mistake and prove they care by not repeating the mistake. As a narcissist can not admit to making a mistake in the first place as a narcissist has placed the blame at someone else’s door, a narcissist doesn’t feel like they need to repair the damage, a narcissist believes the other person needs to repair the damage. Every time a narcissist gets away with their behaviour, they don’t learn from their behaviour. Instead, a narcissist will repeat their hurtful patterns of behaviour.
Narcissists are never sorry for what they’ve done to another. They only feel sorry for themselves if they get caught, to which they’ll quickly rationalise, justify, excuse or blame someone else for their behaviour so they don’t have to take responsibility for their behaviour.
A Narcissist will lie, deny, gaslight, blame, shame, project, triangulation, fall silent. A narcissist will go above and beyond to get away with their behaviour, so they don’t change their behaviour.
Where most people can recognise, feel remorse, take responsibility and want to repair the damage they caused because they care for the other person, a narcissist doesn’t believe they’ve made a mistake, so when they get called out on their behaviour, they’ll come at you with those gaslighting phrases of. “You’re jealous, you’re insecure, you’re too sensitive, you’re imagining things, you’re bitter, you’re in a bad mood, it wasn’t that bad, what about when you, you’re selfish, you’re stubborn, you’re awkward, this is just like you, why do you have to make everything so difficult, you need a mental evaluation, you have trust issues, you’re crazy.” As the narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem to distract you from the fact without the narcissist’s actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions. Therefore it’s the narcissist’s actions which are causing your problems. However, a narcissist doesn’t want you to see what they do wrong. They want you to feel ashamed of your emotional reactions, blame yourself and apologise to the narcissist for the very things the narcissist is doing to you.
When you find yourself apologising for things you haven’t done, that’s a big red flag that someone is gaslighting your reality.
When they’re not willing to recognise their behaviour, they won’t be willing to change their behaviour. When they can manipulate you into apologising to them, the more they’ll believe that you’re the problem and not themselves, the more you forgive a narcissist, the more they believe they can get away with their behaviour and the worse their behaviour gets, because they learn that by blaming others they’re not held accountable, and they don’t suffer any consequences.
Remember, forgiveness is for you to move on, not to allow them to do it again. Your forgiveness is for you. Their behaviour is on them.
If you’re unlucky enough to get an apology from a narcissist, it’s more manipulation from a narcissist, as they claim. “I’m sorry if you hadn’t, I’m sorry, but you didn’t, I’m sorry for what you think I did, I’m sorry you feel that way, I’m sorry if you’d have paid me more attention, I’m sorry if you’d have reminded me.
The narcissist’s false apology is where they will start by saying sorry, then end by blaming you, so you end up feeling guilty and apologising to them.
We have to take ownership of our actions. However, we have to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner to theirs.
You can not control who you are as a person to control the narcissist you get. A narcissist controls who they are to control how you feel, so the narcissist can emotionally manipulate you to serve their needs.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. You will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.