Uncertainty And The Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

A great man named Tony Robbins discovered the six human needs and the meanings behind them, now we all need food, water, air and shelter these are our fundamental human needs.

These are the six human needs for our emotional/ mental development.

The six human needs are.

1. Contribution.

2. Growth.

3. Certainty.

4. Significance.

5. Love and connection.

6. Uncertainty/variety.

There are free tests online to find out your top two, as when you do something positive that meets your top two, life becomes much happier for you.

Human needs are what give us fulfilment or un-fulfilment. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make in day to day life. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.

Uncertainty/ variety.

Humans all crave some uncertainty, we all like a little variety, doing the same thing over and over, knowing what we are doing exactly when, never learning or growing, always knowing what’s happening, can make our lives boring. In current times you might think you don’t want any uncertainty, as it causes fear, panic and anxiety, which in the extremes yes it does, and we all react differently, yet we need some uncertainty, or we’d never try anything new, you’d never surprise someone or want to be surprised, we all want pleasant surprises, as negative surprises are what most of us call our problems, anything negative most of us class as a problem. We at the moment will be trying and learning new things to get us through this.

Currently, with the worlds coronavirus, there are high levels of uncertainty, there is those who will react negatively, those who get prepared, and those who step out of there comfort zone to help others, when anxiety is kicking in, focus on the singing in Italy, the people creating online support systems to keep in touch and help out with the vulnerable. Creating delivery systems for the elderly. That’s using uncertainty to be kind and help others. It helps fill our human needs for certainty we are helping others, growth doing new things, contribution assisting the community in, so by helping others it makes us feels calmer, one of the best ways to step out of fear is to help someone. I believe that was also a Tony Robins phrase if I’m wrong, please correct me in the comments.

So often people stay with an abusive partner not only because one of their six needs is certainty or love and connection, then contribution wanting to help them but also narcissists are extremely good at making you feel uncertain, then certain, they give you that variety, it’s a very uncomfortable place to be, yet as it’s our known, it becomes our uncomfortable comfort zone without even realising it. That push-pull ends up releasing those hormones of Dopamine during the highs and Cortisol during the lows and causing that trauma bond within us, coming away from any narcissistic relationship, parent, partner, boss, friend, can feel like you are weaning yourself off a drug. We might know we need to get out of that relationship, need to get out of that job and find a new, distance ourselves from certain family members, it becomes increasingly hard as it’s unconsciously fulfilling at least four if not all six of our human needs that most of us didn’t even know about.

When our minds believe that we are doing something, believing in something, or our emotions are feeling something that is perceived to be meeting three of our human needs, this can be something positive, negative or neutral. Then we become addicted if through our actions, emotions, thoughts or feelings our mind believes we are meeting three we do become addicted.

Therefore in any abusive relationship, psychologically, a physically abusive relationship, at times you are occasionally meeting when the treat you so right, love and connection, even when it’s just connecting with another person, you meet certainty at times, you know you’re in a relationship, and you have a partner, or you have your job, you can call your patents etc., you meet uncertainty as you never know where you are with them. Contribution as you believe you are helping them, giving to them, changing to fill their needs and be who they want you to be. Therefore your subconscious is keeping you addicted through your human needs.

We are certain they can be good as we’ve seen it before we are uncertain when that might be, and we change to help them, and even though this is a negative environment that’s detrimental to our mental, and physical health, with all the manipulation and brainwashing of our reality and fear of their reactions, guilt of splitting up the family, guilt of leaving someone who claims they need you to help them, feeling like you love them and the trauma bonding it keeps you locked unwittingly in the cycle of abuse.

The same applies to when they leave you, then they come back with false promises of change, you are certain they can be good as you’ve seen them treat you right before, you’re feeling the love and connection that someone wants you, yet you’re uncertain as to if they have changed or not. Yet you want to contribute and help them change meeting four of your needs, making it even harder to say no and remove them from your life for good. So you can move away from them and start to meet your human needs elsewhere it becomes increasingly hard to leave them.

You get uncertainty met in a positive way, learning, growing, taking on a new job, starting a new activity. Neutral way, by staying in what you believe is your comfort zone even though it’s so uncomfortable and uncertain at times, yet because it brings you the certainty you stay. Or negative way, drinking, messaging the ex, taking the ex back, reacting to what the say. Trying to be there for parents who continue to try to destroy you, doing extra errands for the boss who’s actually taking advantage of you.

Nows the time to try new things to help you break free and get your human needs met away from the narcissist, also in these uncertain times. Indoor tips at the moment for these uncertainty times, yoga, exercise lots of free youtube exercise videos. Watch a movie you have not seen before, get that box set going, call a friend and chat, join those support groups, go get the food you need, and pick up something extra then drop it in your local food bank or elderly/vulnerable neighbour, simple steps of stepping out of your comfort zone, especially if you are still working on anxiety, and mental health, fresh air if you can, if you’re still allowed out where you are, walks, but keeping that safe distance between people, if you have one, going in the garden or on that balcony, if you’re in a hostel, people are doing all they can to organise things, there’s a lot to organise, people are doing all they can, keep talking to others. If a support group isn’t helping, avoid it or leave. Find one with like-minded people. Follow government advice, with the current Coronavirus pandemic. Keep yourself and others safe.

Try not to worry about economic troubles, as the whole world is about to hit rock bottom financially together and together we will have to climb back up, drive and determine, kindness and compassion.

The world has been through worse times and recovered, pulling together we can, and we will recover from this.

If you start to feel panic, begin to look for the things that are happening in the world that can raise a smile, yes we need to stay in touch with what’s happening, but balance the bad and the crazy with the good also. Keeping the positivity going and passing those smiles and laughter on, from a safe distance, of course.

Now is not the time to take unnecessary risk, we already have enough uncertainty, calm or not, be realistic, yet stay safe, take its seriously yet still laugh.

Look and focus on the opportunity in the here and now, message those loved ones, reach out to those you care about.

Have set times you check the news of you feel like you’re getting too drawn in, yes we need to stay up to date, but not 24/7. Also, when watching the news, look at the good news also. Those starting foundations, those fundraising, those dancing in Spain, singing in Italy, try to see the funny side in the memes flying around. Keep your mind busy, get creative, paint, pick up that instrument and YouTube how to play it, read some books, write. Help who you can help.

These times have not come to stay, try and find the opportunity, signing up to online classes, reading online, reading good uplifting story’s.

Stay safe, find your smile, look for the opportunities. Together we will see the world through this and we will get through this, one moment at a time, one day at a time.

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Finding the right support for you.

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Certainly.

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