Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Another way to emotionally disconnect from the narcissist’s manipulation.
Observe don’t absorb, created by Ross Rosenburg.
”Never react to a narcissist, you’ll feel bad, and the narcissist enjoys it.”
The best way to beat a narcissist, is to no longer play their games, no longer playing their games is no reactions, sounds simple, yet as most of us who’ve had dealings with these kinds of people, understand it’s not always that straight forward.
A narcissist is highly skilled at taking your thoughts away from you, and planting those seeds of self-doubt in your mind, then using your emotions against you to let those self-doubt thoughts grow within your own subconscious, to the point where you’re no longer being controlled by you rational thinking, your emotional thinking is leading you, and a narcissist knows exactly how to pull your emotions out negatively, from you feeling guilty for not helping them, or reacting to feeling frustrated that they will just not listen to reason, from feeling anxiety when around them, to feeling hopelessly depressed, from feeling fearful of what they might do next to feeling overwhelmed within life itself.
Don’t absorb, instead observe technique.
The simple advice to overcome this is to learn how to detach your emotional responses and start thinking for yourself again. Watch the narcissist and all their games. Listen to the narcissist and do not react.
Imagine you’re watching them on tv. Watch their body language and facial expression. Ask yourself “How is the narcissist trying to get me to react?” Or ” How are they trying to use my thoughts and feelings against me.” Then do not react, by not reacting, you’ll leave them powerless. You can then watch and observe them go into all the other manipulation forms they use. Again observe them.
When you can practice observing and not absorbing, observe what they do. Watch how manipulative they indeed are, how incapable the narcissist is to continue with manipulation when you don’t react when you no longer play.
With a narcissist, with how they manipulate they gain control, by pulling you deeper and deeper into their games.
If you drink something toxic, you get physically sick. If you absorb a toxic person’s words over time, you get mentally ill.
If you look at something toxic, you stay well, if you listen to your own mind, you get clarity.
If you’ve left the narcissist, you know what they are, yet if there is not major safeguarding issues in place to completely stop contact, or you may still have to deal with them, either you have children with them, or if they are a family member or a work colleague, you can not altogether remove, from your life.
You need to observe what happens and distance yourself from the situation, and you need to consciously, take your emotions away situation. Purposefully, distancing yourself from emotional attachment so that you can keep control of your emotions, your thoughts and not get drawn into the situation. If you observe you don’t let them affect your emotions, you’re not connecting emotionally, so you’ll not get pulled into what they are trying to achieve.
They want to set off your emotions when your emotions get attached to the situation they get you to react, they win. The narcissist is extremely manipulative and will then twist everything because your feelings are involved; you are then not in your correct headspace to defend yourself or set appropriate boundaries for yourself and your happiness.
To get drawn into it is like accepting the narcissist’s poison into your mind.
When you know what they use, and you start to learn the capabilities of your own mind, you watch, know and understand.
1. They are giving me the silent treatment because I wouldn’t break down the boundaries to who I authentically am.
2. They are trying to provoke reactions out of me so that they can blame their flaws on me.
3. They are trying to put me down, so I feel insecure, as they are not capable of seeing my strengths, and if they do see them, they have insecurities and are jealous of mine, that is not my responsibility, that is theirs. I don’t have to put myself down to make others feel better, I’m in control of me, and they are in control of themselves.
4. They are twisting the story to take me off topic and narrate the script to suit themselves.
5. They are provoking an argument as they don’t understand the reasoning, comprise or others perspectives. Opinions they are entitled to theirs and I’m allowed to mine, and I don’t have to take part in every argument I’m invited to.
6. They are intimidating me because they have no power or control over me, they want me to fear them, so I no longer live for me.
7. They are smearing my name, as they don’t want to be held accountable for their own actions, I know my truth, and I do not have to defend my actions or my life to those who just want to gossip or believe liars, they can stay in their lane, and I will stay in mine.
8. They are using triangulation, to get me to question myself and those around me, to get me to do things I wouldn’t typically do, if others want to do that, then that’s for them. However, it’s not for me. Others opinions of me are not for me, only I define who I want to be.
When you do have to communicate with them, do your best to stay relaxed, do not show them any emotions, look just over their right ear. If they are reasonable, be reasonable back, if they are being negative or hurtful, do not engage, just like two wrongs don’t make a right, two people locked in negative don’t bring either happiness. You can scream and cry let those emotions out once they have left. This is why it’s best to stick to limited contact, messages and emails, especially at the start, some are dangerous so it would need to be no contact.
When they are trying to provoke you, never respond instantly. If you don’t need, to respond, don’t. Trying to clear your name, or make them aware of your, thoughts, feelings and opinions doesn’t work, they are not interested in those, they just want to draw you into their games, and pull out your reactions.
Remember, retreat, rethink and only then respond if you need to do so. Most often you don’t need to respond, getting to know yourself so well, others opinion of you no longer count, losing self-doubt, by understanding your intentions are from a good place, and listening to your instincts, the only person you need to explain yourself to, is you.
If you can remove them from your life and go no contact, do it, if you have children, or they are a family member you can not remove, ( If a family member is extremely toxic you need to remove them.) or a work colleague, it’s grey rock and observe do not absorb.
Be who you want to be, put your needs first and the needs of others second, so you can be at your best to give your best. You are not being selfish. A narcissist is selfish as they expect you to put their needs before your own, yet they’ll not put yours before theirs. It’s ok to loan someone money if they need it, so long as that person would do the same in return, those who expect people to give to them, and are unwilling to give back are the selfish one, so if you don’t want to loan money to others, that’s for you, and you wouldn’t ask someone for money, as you wouldn’t expect someone to do for you, what you wouldn’t do for them. A narcissist works the other way round the selfish way, they expect people to loan them money, yet they wouldn’t lend someone money in return, that’s selfish.
With your control of your own inner mind, emotions, and happiness, your life will become so much more peaceful.
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