Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The first step to breaking free and recovery from narcissistic abuse, once you are out safely is no contact it’s not always possible to go no contact if you can this is the best thing you can do, if not it’s the grey rock. Yet so many people do get a little stuck in the no contact stage. Whether it’s due to the need for closure, self-esteem issues, the trauma bond a need to seek revenge, not being able to let go, allowing the narcissist to contact you by not blocking them, or you find ways to contact them, you are far from alone, this, however, will only keep you trapped in the endless cycle of misery and pain that comes with a toxic relationship, yes it takes practice and it is a learning curve, some people do get it straight away, for others it takes time, start with telling yourself after you’ve achieved one day no contact you will reward yourself, whatever that reward is for you to keep you on track, then think of something to reward yourself after seven days again after fourteen days, then after one month, and keep your mind focused on that reward or that treat, whatever it is for you, and you’re not allowed it if you break no Contact, then keep going until your mind can see that life without the narcissist is much more peaceful, joyful and happy. As humans, most of us are extremely creative in our ability to deny the negative consequences of our own actions and choices. No, you did not deserve the Abuse, no one deserves the Abuse, and with the added toxic words from their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting and other manipulation methods, our minds end up with so many different confusing stories. So if we give ourselves a positive reward it helps us through this no contact step.
So what is no contact, what no contact isn’t and what hoover manipulation moves might the narcissist try after no contact?
Sometimes going no contact isn’t the hard part, it’s the guilt we feel, if it’s the other parent to our children, a friend, ex-partner, our own parents or siblings, as we care and build a bond we can feel a large amount of guilt, depending on to what extent you’ve been through, some can just feel anger and resentment, or we can work through both, these are both normal emotions after a narcissistic relationship, I’ll add links at the bottom for more information on these.
Most often we deceive ourselves in thinking that if we just reach out, if we just try to explain our point of view, if we can just get them to understand it will not have any negative consequences in any serious way if we break no contact, just once, just to see, Sometimes life just seems far too painful without them, as they’ve downplayed their abuse and shifted the blame onto you so we have that self-doubt and question ourselves, so we go for that quick fix of gaining relief believing the narcissist will help or wanting answers and it can be very hard to resist. In the case of a toxic relationship, most of us become so addicted to those crazy cycles we’ve fallen into with the narcissist, due to the human needs been met in negative ways and the trauma bond, I’ll add a link at the bottom of these, that we find any excuse we can to let them back into our life so we can experience temporary relief from the pain we are feeling. The worst thing about excuses is within our own minds they are extremely valid. Because of the six human needs being met in negative ways and the trauma bonding, we are weaning ourselves off a drug from all those highs and lows the narcissist puts us through. But just as the alcoholic who gives in and takes that one drink will likely end up going straight out on a bender, then having to start over, often when they come for the hoover you end up taking them back. It takes an average of seven attempts for people to get out and stay out of these kinds of relationships, so if you stayed out on the first of the twenty-first you’re not alone, if you haven’t yet, you can and you will just do so safely, although the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, those with little to no empathy can be dangerous, some are just mentally abusive, some are mentally and physically, so make a safe exit plan. I’ll link a video at the bottom for more information on getting out.
If you have already tried no contact or grey rock and broken it, you might already know all too well that we are the ones who pay the price for breaking No Contact. Our only hope for true recovery and freedom is by taking those baby steps each and every day, riding out the storms of the times we want to reach out, the times we want to defend ourselves to the mass smear campaigns and those feelings of withdrawal and the cravings most of us do have at the start for contact with the narcissist that you may well have early on in the process. The steps to losing your Narcissist and truly withdrawing from them are the same as quitting any other addictive substances. Your addiction and the thoughts and feelings it produces in you is nothing to be ashamed of at all, and you are far from alone in how you feel. yet it is something you need to and you will overcome. We have a great ability within ourselves to alter our own mindsets and recreate ourselves, you have a greater chance of doing so, by sticking to no contact or grey rock. So you can lift the brain fog and the toxic spell they put us under, to day by day start seeing clearly and thinking clearly for ourselves, whilst starting then using your present to focus on creating a much happier future for you.
What is and how to implement no contact.
No Contact is no Contact with someone there is a number of specific things you need to do when it comes to no contact with a narcissist to make sure that it’s truly no contact, most of us do slip up at first, as it is Unnatural to most, it’s a learning curve so please don’t worry if you have or do just go again.
1. Blocking them from your mobile phone. Some phones no longer allow the complete blocking of numbers, but you can program your phone to have any calls or voicemails. Do not listen to any voicemails left by the narcissist as tempting as this may be. Save them in case you need to save them for a possible harassment/stalking, non-molestation or restraining orders. Some phone plans allow you to call your service provider and block numbers through them using a password. Let a friend or family member handle the password so that you won’t have the ability to unblock the narcissist’s number. Sometimes you might have to take the step to just get a new number and let all your contacts know, other than any that might inform the narcissist. This method has proven highly successful for many people who had problems maintaining No Contact and unblocked the narcissist from their phones during moments of weakness, again please don’t worry if you’ve had those moments, it’s ok just like learning anything keep going until you succeed.
2. Blocking them from your email accounts. If you feel the need to explain what you are doing, then send them a final email immediately before blocking them. I would recommend not explaining but some of us find it easier to do so. Don’t look for a reply, because doing so will only lead to more crazy-making. Don’t talk yourself into thinking you can negotiate with them. All you’ll ever get in return is blame-shifting, project and all the other forms of psychological manipulation that you’ve been subjected to so many times before. I shall add the link at the bottom to explain why they always think they are right.
3. Blocking them from all of your social networks This includes Facebook, Instagram, Skype, Snapchat, Facetime, youtube, Pinterest. eBay etc. Make a complete list of all the networks you use and remove them from all of them, some narcissists have been known to contact through eBay and YouTube. So if you can not block close the accounts and open new ones, yes it’s annoying, but short term pain for long term gain. Many of us have a hard time hitting the unfriend button on the narcissist on our social media networks. Then hitting delete and black. This usually due to two things. First, most of us believe it’s cruel. If you find yourself with this thought, write down all those times you’ve needed them and they were not there for you. you’d do well to recognize the fact that, for all the sympathy you may show the narcissist, they are plotting ways to get to you, some will use social media to show you their replacement of you and how well they are apparently treating them.
Another reason that you may find it’s hard to block the narcissist from your social networks is that it might not feel ready or and you may not be fully prepared to completely and permanently remove them from your life, NO CONTACT can feel like a death only they are still alive And in many ways, it is like one, the person you thought they were, the dreams you were sold and were never delivered. You have to remove negative and toxic people from your life for your own sanity. Remember that the person you loved and who is now gone from your life was really just an illusion, anyway. Start creating new dreams for you, and focusing on making those a reality as you can, you’re in charge of your mind and your life now is the time to take back control of you.
4. Do not answer the door if they come over. And the abusive narcissist will often do just that when they have no other ways or means of contacting you. But don’t be fooled by them, do not open the door it only shows the narcissist that they are still inside your head, which is all they really want, We can often feel and think that ignoring them is being unkind and cruel, but if you open the door, they will be validated in their idea that you are inferior and easy to fool and that they truly are superior and can do as they please. Ignore those feelings and remember just how baldly they’ve treated you and let you down, not been there for them when you truly needed them, that they do it to cause you psychological pain, you are doing it to remove that pain from your life. If they are persistent and continue knocking on your door, walk away from it, go to a far room. call the police. Which can be difficult to do, but it’s hard for police to gain enough to charge these people, so building up that record of their best bits of help. You are taking a stand, all they want is power and control, so those who persist, don’t think that they are doing it because they love or care, they are doing it either because they want to use you for something, or realise they are insignificant and are losing control of you.
5. not responding to any of the narcissist’s friends or family that they send your way in order to give you information from the narcissist or in order to give the narcissist information about you. You will most likely have to also block and delete their family, friends and mutual friends. Only have one trusted friend that you share your struggles with. You will need to inform everyone else who tries to initiate a conversation with you regarding the narcissist that you are moving on and prefer not to talk about the situation. Or if someone tells you something that the narcissist has said respond with. “Oh this is very interesting, please tell me what I did next.” If you have mutual friends, you might have to leave them with the narcissist, the only other thing is to not inform them of anything about you, or if you believe the narcissist is getting information from someone you know, tell those you think it might be a different story and then wait to see which one the narcissist finds out about, their your flying monkey, no contact them, yes that’s hard, but remember they are telling things about you to others, and people who don’t respect you, are not needed in your life. Joining support groups can help you connect with others who understand what you’ve been through.
6. Any letters that arrive from them to you, give them to a good friend or relative to open and let them see if it’s a legal matter or just another of the narcissist’s attempts at hoovering. If you are being harassed give them to the police. Any that arrive for them, simply put return to sender and back into the post box. not opening any cards, boxes or packages that they might have delivered to your home or work. If you are at home when the delivery person arrives, determine if it’s something from the narcissist and, if so, refuse the delivery. If you aren’t home and the item is left at your door, give it to a trusted friend or neighbour without opening it. If you think it may have evidence give to the police. Or mark as a return to sender and take to sorting office.
7. Do not accepting any new friend requests on social networks, as these are often online surveillance cameras for the narcissists especially if it’s a new profile with no picture. The new friend request could either be the narcissist themselves or one of their flying monkeys sent to monitor your Facebook activity. You may find that ignoring friend requests is rude or mean, but you’ll want to let go of this. Now is the time to protect yourself and do what’s right and best for you. You have every right to your privacy and a peaceful and happy life. If you don’t know the person, don’t accept the request.
No contact is not.
1. Ignoring and blocking for a few days in the hopes they’ll see your point of view and take on board your thoughts and feelings, then have a personality transplant and genuinely love and care for you, they have a disorder, it’s who they are, it did not start with you, it will not end with you, when they are repeatedly cruel, hurtful and destructive, then play nice, they play nice because they want something from you, not because they have changed, those mistakes they keep making is who they are, they don’t want to nor will they change, real change is changed behaviour which they can not do on a permanent basis as they don’t believe they are the problem, lacking in those cognitive reflection skills.
2. leaving it open for them to contact you, and you just decide if you want to react or not, you need to block and delete of everything.
3. leaving them on your social media to show them how happy your new life is, or unblocking them.
4. giving their friends or family information about you, or what’s happening, in the hope they’ll talk sense to the narcissist, even if they believed you over them, they will not be able to talk sense into a narcissist.
So some ways they might try to suck you back into what seems like their never ending games, yet these games can end with you, when you stop playing and start living for you, and why no contact is vital.
Unwittingly during the relationship the narcissist learned all they needed to about you, they know all your weaknesses and your insecurities and they’re going to now use each and everyone against you to bring you down. They know your emotional triggers, your pain and your fears and they will use them against you.
When a narcissist wants you back or wants revenge, they will throw all they can at you. You’ve gone into your new life wise and strong you no longer want them, you know you need to heal from trauma bonding, CPTSD, anxiety and you’re working so hard to do so, then come messages, even when blocked they find a way.
When they come at you, if they start nice you might think back to. “If only if done this or not that.”
You might still be weaning yourself of them like the come down from a highly addictive drug. The more games they throw, the more you mind gets stuck in the past with them, do they miss me? To what are they going to do next?
If you’ve broken up before and tried to stay free you might notice they have a pattern of tantrums they go around, the more you go no contact and don’t respond, the more some will escalate, once they have tried them all the might circle back to the start.
Some are lazy and will leave you alone for the most part, some will have plenty of other sources and just go all out to hurt you. It all depends on the narcissist you were tangled up with.
Some will play the waiting game, as most often throughout the relationship, the narcissist will have manipulated through the silent treatment, and as they feel entitled and above all others, they will have learned that you are the one to give in, reach out and fix things, so most will wait it out, they do hate being ignored though, so if they’ve not got someone else feeding them attention, they might try these sooner rather than later, some can be years down the line.
A narcissist feeds of excitement and control,
Ways they get to you.
1. Opening a conversation up, They might send you a message about a memory of a great time you had together, to bring up the good, to pull on your heartstrings, with an “I miss you, we were good together” and the rest, you do your best to not respond and they will up it to, the fact they have never felt this way about anyone before, now part of you might be pleased that the shoe is finally on the other foot, yet it also confuses you and makes you start to believe perhaps they do care, yet still you do not respond. They might keep going and at some point, you could respond with a simple “we are over.” Or give an explanation as you’re feeling bad not responding, then the narcissist has what the wanted to contact, you might then get more pity plays off. “I can not live without you.” “You said you’d always love me.” “I need you and want us back together.” This potentially can open your heart more and you might respond more in-depth giving away the fact you did love them but they’ve hurt you so much, the narcissist will love this. Now they will try to open up a full conversation with you, and you’ve been sucked straight back into the vortex of doom and gloom.
If memory doesn’t work they might go for the pity play, some will even fake illnesses within themselves or the children, they might try jealousy, they will try and try until they find something that gets your attention.
Write down the abuse and the bad things that happened to you within the relationship. Every time you start to doubt yourself and think of responding, look at it and remember just how manipulative they are. If you break no contact or start to respond, just stop responding and start no contact again. Don’t focus on the slip-up, focus on you will succeed this time.
2. Announce they ended the relationship. You will have most likely spit up a few times in the past, if this time was your choice to end it, you might notice that the narcissist is telling people it was them to leave you and how crazy you are. Facebook status changing, people telling you things they are saying, and it can hurt, yet more lies. Your abandonment issues might kick in.
Stop and refocus, don’t go trying to make your point. you know the truth, we don’t need to be tit for tat on who Finished with who, yes it knocks out that sense of pride and ego that you finally made it out, but all you need to focus on is the main fact that you are out, what others think or believe is not for you, know your own truth. And focus on the fact that you are now free, don’t get drawn into the battle of who ended with who, focus on you’re out.
3. The emergency. They might come to you with an emergency again pulling your empathy of wanting to help people, they might claim to have an illness knowing you’ll want to help and feel bad for not doing so.
Remember first this is possibly a complete lie, second, if it’s true, you can not help them, you’ve tried too many times before and it will only ever hurt you, they’ll get help if they need it. Ask yourself. How many times has that person truly helped me with good intentions? Work on you and leave them to it, do not get drawn into the games. When a narcissist promises change, they will change just long enough to suck you back in, then once you are back in, they will punish you for making them seek therapy as in their minds it’s all your fault. They do not change, only their lies, their manipulation or their partner, never themselves.
4. Abuse by proxy, damaging property, smearing your name, having flying monkeys or enablers come at you, dragging you through the court. Changing passwords on your social media. Hurting those you love, threats, financial abuse again through courts or stealing from you, stalking you, hurting you and trying to destroy you any way they can. They want to punish you for walking free, also as they project and believe in their reality that what they did to you, you did to them they want revenge. If you’ve had to take the children no contact because they are not safe around the narcissist, the narcissist will blame you to all others, if you’ll not let them pick children up when it suits and ignore children when it suits, they will blame you as to why they don’t have them. They are never accountable or responsible, to them the faults within themselves and their lives are always someone else fault. They want your attention, a lot enjoy the court system as they can be the star of the show and remind themselves that they still exist to you.
If it’s court and the clown wants to drag you to the circus, prepare and learn to become the ringmaster, focus on the outcome you need and get as much support and backing as you can, get rest and take care of yourself. Pull away when you get drawn in, heal any wounds, look at your true reality and beliefs, look for the opportunities, for example if it’s divorce focus on what rightfully yours and stand firm, children if you had a belief that children should always see the other parent, focus on the fact that’s only the case if the other parent is safe, look for the positives on how well the children are doing without them, how the children anxiety and attachment is healing, look at it as the last bit of the puzzle and finally getting closure, they are not looking for compromise they are looking to win, write the outcome you want and go all out to get it. If they are smearing your name leave them to it, focus on you, don’t get drawn into the battle the truth will our far quicker. Write down any triggers and heal them within.
5. The new relationship. Most move on fast with a new person, often making sure you know, some will even move in with someone close to where you live. If they believe they are losing control over you, they’ll have a backup or three waiting. They will go all out to flaunt this to you, to try and cause your pain and trauma, they will be looking like the happiest loved up a couple you ever met, to leave you questioning what was wrong with me? Where’s my dream gone? What’s so special about them? They might move them into your home? Playing happy families with your children?
Don’t try to get into a new relationship fast yourself it will only hurt you more. Don’t try to warn the new, they are being sold the dream they’ll not listen to you, if they come to you when it becomes their nightmare you can help, other than that stay out of it, you need to heal you, so outside situations no longer affect you on the inside. Cry it out, scream it out, know the narcissist is only doing to them what they did to you and work on loving who you are.
6. Leaving belongings behind or keeping yours as a way of staying in touch with you.
If they are yours try to get someone else to get them, if at all possible let them go and move on, if it’s theirs, return them, remove from your home and give them back, leave at their home and take a photo and send, or deliver to a friend of theirs.
7. Making contact about random things, asking about unimportant random things.
Ignore ignore ignore.
8. They will change. They might promise change, offer a long deep conversation and offer to see councillors, work on their issues, get themselves help and want your support, they are pulling you in on your empathy towards others. It can be hard to resist as it goes against your nature.
don’t fall for their manipulation and lies You need to heal you, remember how many other times they’ve promised a change to only cause you more pain. focus on the fact you can not help them, you’ve tried so many times to just get further hurt if they want to go get help, it’s none of your business leave them to it and focus on helping yourself.
It did not start with you and it will not end with you.
9. They might get with your new partners’ ex to play games, especially if you all have children.
Try to avoid them finding out about your new life in the first place, if they do this, then there will be a storm you have to ride out until the narcissist gets fed up and leaves them for someone new.
Get a good support network in place, people who understand what you’ve been through, get reality checks from good people if you are struggling to give them yourself.
If you can ignore all attempts for communication if the children still see them, limited contact and are extremely boring.
Unfollow on social media, they will post things to trigger you.
Be careful about mutual friends, it’s hard but you might need to remove some from your life.
Stick with no contact, stick to observe don’t absorb if you can not go no contact, go grey rock, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so. Keep working on who you are, creating new routines and new dreams for you.
Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.
Hello I’m Liz, and I get the pleasure to raise five incredible boys, I have three with the ex-husband, who’s just unique, and my youngest two with the ex-narcissist, wanting to raise as much awareness as possible about narcissist personality disorder, and ways to recover, so hopefully people know the signs so don’t get involved in the first place, get out safely, help with all the counter parenting the narcissist throws in, help with whoever the narcissist is in your life, and help with recovery so you can move past it and have an incredible life.
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