Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The word narcissist is growing with greater awareness day by day, yet we can all have some narcissistic traits, doesn’t mean we are a narcissist, if you can love and care for others, help others, have empathy, you are not a narcissist, and some exes, bosses, friends, family members and neighbours are just simply twits, to me there is good narcissism and bad narcissism, in life most things tend to have an opposite, the good vs the bad, the highs vs the lows, pleasure vs pain, positive vs negative so someone who works hard to achieve might not be a narcissist, someone who uses all others to achieve could be a narcissist, someone who has confidence, yet is kind to others is not a narcissist, someone who is arrogant and hurts others could be a narcissist. Someone who is in control of their life is not a narcissist, someone who is controlling others could be a narcissist.
So what is not a narcissist?
These things and many more often get mistaken for but on there own is not actually someone having narcissistic personality disorder, so things like, kids or adults taking selfies, that are making memories and sharing, people having plastic surgery to feel better about themselves, wanting certain things your way, being selfish and putting own needs first, people saying no because if they said yes, they’ed be saying no to themselves, arguing your point, when you’re truly passionate about something or your beliefs, if you are seeing others opinions, yet sticking with your own, opinions, values and beliefs. being driven to achieving, doing the best you can in your life, finding your and being confident, being opinionated. Spoilt kids, people looking in every mirror on there own none of theses means you or others are on the narcissistic personality disorder, nothing wrong with good health narcissism, knowing your value, your boundaries and your worth, wanting more for your life, most people fear taking the steps to saying no and stopping people pleasing, or showing their growing confidence after a narcissistic relationship, for fear they are turning into one, which simply isn’t true, the oxygen mask on that airplane, we are told to rescues ourselves first, this feels uncomfortable to some, and airlines know this, exactly why they make a point every time you board a plane, this isn’t to be selfish, it’s so everyone takes care of themselves first, so they can then be at there personal best to take care of those around them, if those instructions were not given, if the worst was to happen, we’d have hands flying everywhere, unorganised chaos, at a life threatening time when emotions would be running high, so they need organised chaos, everyone putting it on themselves first, then helping others, this is to save lives, not to be hurtful or mean to the person sitting next to you, now if someone is going to put their oxygen mask on, then rip yours off they are people you need to walk away from, those who put theirs on whilst at the same time trying to help others too, are incredible walk with those, and those who put their own on then help other are also the people you want in your life. Everything has different capabilities especially in panic, some will need to focus on one thing at a time, others can do two things at once calmly, and then there are those who will only ever be about themselves.
Yes, they are behaviours that are similar to narcissism but It doesn’t make you or them a narcissist.
Negativity breeds negativity, so constantly being around someone who’s negative, can bring that out in you, constantly being around someone who’s narcissistic can also bring that side out in you, doesn’t mean you or they are a narcissist, it can simply mean you bring the worst out in each other, a clash of personalities, creating a toxic relationship. Now if they are abusive mentally or physically, if they are narcissistic or not ( most likely they are.) no one deserves to be treated this way and it’s time to walk away.
Yes as the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum there is those who once you know who they are, what they do, who you are and what to and not to do, you can manage yourself around them, they will never be able to manage themselves around you on a continuous basis as they have a disorder it’s who they are, and without cognitive reflection skills, they lack the ability to learn from their own mistakes, and as we are human we all make them, difference is we learn from ours, they just blame all others and cycle around the same pattern, and there is those who are extremely dangerous and you need to safely get away from them.
Just like people who don’t like being criticised, that on its own even with some of the above, doesn’t mean that they are a narcissist, they could have just suffered from some form of trauma in their past, not fully healed and have their shield up, if this is you, I have plenty of different advice, but a few that seems to help people the most with this are, watch for constructive criticism, are they genuinely trying to help you or sink you? a few do struggle with receiving criticism after a narcissistic relationship due to all the toxic seeds planted to create self-doubt within our own minds, be it with a parent, partner boss, friend whoever they were in your life, the constant put-downs and criticism leaves us with that self-doub. And low self, this does not make you a narcissist, not all struggle to overcome this but most do, so please remember when we do anything new most likely at first it’s going to suck, my first few post had so many grammatical errors due to the fact I’m dyslexic, with learning as I go and the help of Grammarly I improve, like a baby learning to walk, some make it look easy and are up and off before the age of one, others take their sweet time, yet they keep going and they learn, we are all individuals and when trying new things it feels uncomfortable, it can become hard, we can feel not good enough, yet just like we were as that baby learning to walk we kept going until we learned how to do it, and that’s all you need to do now keep going, yes people might put you down, those people who are not supportive are not your people, your dreams are yours for you not them, keep your dreams and achieve them, those who seek to put you down and hurt you, either need help and support themselves or need leaving alone, don’t worry about what other say, I know that’s not easy, but learning and knowing your truth it becomes easier.
People who suffer have suffered from narcissistic abuse, at the time do not see they are being abused, the ones who tell are not always believed. Courts, judges, police, the therapist often do not understand narcissistic abuse, they are asleep don’t stay quiet, we are in this together to wake up the nation and get the awareness, help and support out their, so people no longer suffer in silence and alone, and so people rise back up to find their joy and happiness again and move forward to a much better life. The past is the past, we can not change it, we can use the present to change the future as that’s not yet written.
People often question things like. They can not be a narcissist they always take their kids out? they can not be a narcissist, they don’t care about their looks? They can not be a narcissist they don’t post selfies? They can not be a narcissist, they are not in a high powered job? This isn’t always true. Just because they don’t take selfies doesn’t make them a narcissist and doesn’t make them not one, showing kids out in public again neither makes them not one or one.
If people can take responsibility for their own actions, if they do not tell countless lies, if they are not envious of all those around them, if the can see reality, if they don’t exploit people and leave a wake of destruction in their past, if they don’t accuse you of things you didn’t say or didn’t do, if they can appreciate consequences and learn from experience, if they do not destroy everything and everyone around them, if they don’t start arguments out of anywhere, if they’re not manipulative, not abusive, don’t gaslight. If they don’t seem incapable of listening or understanding others, if they don’t believe they’re entitled to anything and everything they want, regardless of how it hurts those around them. If they don’t blame absolutely everything on you, if they don’t blame circumstance on others, if they don’t accuse you of feelings you do not have, if they don’t explode of the slightest thing, if they take responsibility for their own actions, if they don’t twist words, don’t disrespect, if they don’t attack people for no reason, if they don’t believe people are plotting against them, if they don’t drive a wedge between those around them. They are most likely not a narcissist.
If they have one or two, they are not a narcissist. Good people can explode we all have our limits of the amount of pressure we can take, losing your s**t because you’ve been pushed past that point does not make you or them a narcissist. If you pass responsibility back to the rightful owner, when it was them, this does not make you a narcissist.
Narcissism is present in all areas of the narcissist life, there is no moment in this person life they are not a narcissist. It is characterised by the inability to distinguish from the external world and other people. They have a disorder it’s who they are. Yes they can put a grand act on around those they are not around too often, yet you will see how they act differently around different people, and we can also do this, someone who’s lost a child most are not going to go on and on about their child and how proud they are, (a narcissist most likely will.) yet they will chat about how proud they are with those they can, good people can be sensitive to the thoughts and feeling of others, a narcissists can only truly think of themselves, then come out with. “I was only joking.” When they hurt someone else. Yes people can make mistakes and the will apologise and try not to do it again, a narcissist, however will hit repeat on those same mistakes, then blame someone else, never accepting responsibility, not being able to change their behaviour as they have a disorder and can not see the error of their ways. You can not teach them either, it did not start with you and it will not end with you, people have to be willing to learn from mistakes to be able to change.
If they are incapable of true empathy, if they go around exploiting others, if they are abusive, if they can not see people as people, if they are incapable of seeing reality correctly, they think feelings are facts, if they are violent, if they can not compromise they are actually deep within themselves deeply unhappy people who can not understand the cause of their own misery, they only see others as causing them this misery, not all act vain, powerful or self-assured, yes the grandiose do, if they don’t want to change as they make themselves happy playing lots of people like puppets, they have so many admiring them, so many hating them, yet conforming because they fear them. They feel great power, the victim narcissist do not.
People are becoming afraid that they are a narcissist when they are not. People are also accusing people of being a narcissist when they are not.
If they have empathy for others, if they have an ability to compromise, if they are willing to learn from mistakes, if they can be reliable, if they can accept constructive criticism, they are most likely not a narcissist, I say most likely as we all know most narcissists can put on a grand act of an abundance of charm and without physical abuse, sometimes it’s hard to genuinely know, so another is can they be genuinely pleased for others success, again people do get jealous of others, and those who do need to learn the ability that the only person they are in competition with is themselves, and yes those who’ve been hurt badly can slip into the why me, someone who puts you down, lets you down and hurts you could just be a negative person, narcissistic or not, you don’t need hurtful people in your life
This is about what is not a narcissist, I know I’ve compared a little to what is, so what is, someone who has no genuine empathy when you needed them, someone who can hurt you, and you chase after them to get their help and support and they still ignore you, someone who exploits others, someone who drains others of anything and everything they can, and someone with those repeat patterns of behaviour.
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