Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
To explain more about whether a narcissist misses us, first, we have to understand what they actually feel.
So what do they feel?
When it comes to most forms of emotions that people normally feel happiness/sadness, pleasure/pain. Love/hate narcissists are different and in some aspects they are dead when it comes to positive emotions, as they mostly get these by hurting, using and exploiting others, and they don’t feel them in the same way that we do, some don’t feel them at all. Yes they can put an amazing act on, they have learnt from others, music, films what it looks like, so they can mirror these but as they feel entitled and above all others, they want to be the star of the show, and as most don’t feel positive emotions on a genuine level, they can not keep up the act with those closest to them, they do not feel the usual emotions or empathy with regards to those around them. They have an awareness. Even those on the lower end of the spectrum that perhaps don’t have the awareness of what they are, or what they do, and those on the higher end who are aware, as they are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, once they’ve made their own minds up that whatever they have said or done is someone else’s fault they genuinely believe it is someone else fault, why they are so convincing with the twisted lies they tell, the blame-shifting and gaslighting they do with such truths behind them as that is for most of them their truth and their reality. Those that possibly have an awareness of the fact they feel different from others. They understand and have awareness of what they do to others and how it affects them, they simply don’t have the empathy to care. Of course there is also those with the disorder that just believe everyone else feels the same as they do, so they use and abuse before they think they will get used and abused, sometimes this is caused from going into fight mode through their own personal childhood trauma, this is no excuse to go around trying to sink others, as plenty of people can and do recover from trauma with the right help and support.
Most feel great power, when they get people to please them, it gives them a great surge of energy and drives them forward to continue. They feel at their personal best when they are in control. It is a necessity for them to feel this great power and it’s also addictive. They meet their human needs in negative ways that I shall link explains more about this. Emotions they do feel. shame, jealousy, hate and anger. These are not pleasant emotions to live with, as most of us know, negativity breeds negativity and when around these people with their gaslighting, projection and blame-shifting. We often end up with these emotions In Place of our joy and happiness. Why most people question if they are the narcissist once out. First if you have empathy towards others, try to help others, don’t exploit others, you are not a narcissist, yes we can all have been an enabler at some point, yet at the time of doing what we did, our intentions were good, and done with what we believed to be right, you can let go of that guilt, I shall also add the video on this same as reactive abuse, if you’ve done this, it’s normal and you’re not alone, we are human we make mistakes, everyone has a limitation especially when they are having the thing they are most passionate about used against them to provoke reactions, the difference is, we can become more aware, learn and grow from our mistakes, and mistakes get made when emotions are on a high, whilst they continue down the same path of blaming all others, they love their lives stuck on a pattern of repeat. They enjoy getting reactions from people to feel powerful and recognised, whether that’s praise and positive reactions or angry and negative reactions, they want to be the centre of attention and do what they can to achieve this at any given moment.
They feel the harshness when people criticise them, they feel anger and rage, even if it’s constructive criticism, or when you might not have actually meant anything by what you said, they’ve just perceived it as criticism. why they respond to criticism in various ways, from sulks to silent treatments, put-downs and invalidating who we are, to gaslighting and blame-shifting, provoking those arguments so we react, then they will twist and it’s always than our fault within their own minds. They feel jealous when they are not the centre of attention, they feel very frustrated when they can not make people do exactly as they want. They feel great envy when they see people with a better house or car. They feel hatred for those who wake up from their trance they put us under, see through their games and walk away from them, to them we have turned against them, why most go all out in their mass smear campaigns, they feel anger, resentment and bitterness towards us, and they feel a need to try and seek revenge. Those negative feelings are very strong within themselves, they do not often feel emotions like happiness, joy, sadness, guilt, remorse, empathy etc they are mostly if not completely absent. They have emotional paralysis. They do not feel sympathy for those around them, if you’re watching and comment on a charity, they’ll feel the attention slip away from themselves. They might make remarks like “ don’t bother they’ll not get any money” to get a reaction from you.
They see and learn from those around them what these emotions look like, they can engage and know what these feel like to you. They simply can not feel it within themselves.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so please be careful, they is those you can learn to manage yourself and your time around so they no longer impact your life or your emotions, their is also those who have a complete disregard for other humans and you need to safely get aways from.
So how did they get this way? Did they never feel any of the usual emotions in good people? Did something happen to take it away? Did someone take it away? Did they take it away from themselves? Are we all with born with empathy compassion, joy? Or is this is a learnt behaviour, we know we are born with an instinct to survive, we are born to scream and demand and get our needs met. So do we learn the other emotions as we grow? So did they once have compassion, joy, love, sadness, empathy and it was halted or stopped and didn’t develop further? Did they ever have it, to begin with? Or were they simply created this way, created differently, so that they can achieve and climb to the top without a care of who they trample over to get what they want and get their demands and needs met. Not everyone at the top is a narcissist although they’ll have more narcissist traits. Just like not all narcissist are at the top, some don’t make it usually making them the victim narcissist. Although with all narcissist if they don’t get what they want it’s always someone else’s fault.
As for laughter, they will laugh along with others if it’s something they’ve said to make people laugh. Again they are aware of what laughter looks like and what it means to others so they know how to act. They get jealous of people around them are laughing at others and not themselves, they hate seeing others get the praise they take it as criticism towards them and want it for themselves. Have you ever been on a lovely day out, someone else’s birthday party, all is going well then out of nowhere they’ll cause an argument or a seen over nothing because they feel envy that it’s not about them, that they’re not making everybody happy this is simply done to get a reaction and emotions from you. So they themselves can gain their power back. They will not show fury or rage in the beginning or in front of others as they don’t want the mask to slip.
Now you know how they feel you know the best thing to do is simply walk away and make your life great. If you’re after revenge this is the best. As they will never be able to live as you do. And they’ll hate not getting any reactions from you.
Do they miss us?
In most ways no not at all especially if they have someone new to slowly torture, mentally and some do so physically, as most don’t connect with those positive emotions to create those happy memories, they don’t miss those good times, as they connect to the negative they blame it all on us, they are people of objects, so if who they are with now isn’t meeting a need of theirs, they will remember the things you provided for them, money, homes, cars, meals etc and they will miss those, if they see you doing well for yourself again and happy again, they want a piece of that so most do try to swoop back in to pull us under again, so no they don’t miss us for the right reasons, that they genuinely love and care for us, they miss us for the wrong reasons of what we provided for them, even if we only gave them attention, they miss that attention.
So how can we Stop Missing them?
- We had an amazing connection.
- They can change.
- It was my fault they acted that way.
- We could make it work this time.
- I’ll never find real love.
Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.
Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.
How to scare away a narcissist.