“Believe In patterns, not apologies.”
The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days; everyone’s ex seems to be a narcissistic person, and while in a lot of cases this is true, in others, it’s not. Some exes might come close as people can have a trait or two of the disorder. However, it is a personality disorder, so someone who cheats a lot doesn’t mean they are a narcissist if they haven’t got at least 5 of the nine criteria. However, it’s still a toxic relationship. Someone who is confident doesn’t make them a narcissist. Someone who takes selfies doesn’t make them a narcissist. Also, some people are just negative or just toxic. You are allowed to love yourself. In fact, this is the primary key to your own inner happiness, and we should all love ourselves first, which can be extremely hard to learn. Most narcissistic people, deep down, don’t actually love themselves. They are very hurt, insecure individuals who fill their needs and make themselves feel better by sucking the life out of others, destroying people along the way, not realising this continued pattern of behaviour isn’t a nice way to live for themselves or those around them.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum. There are those on the high end that are incredibly toxic and dangerous, those on the lower end that you might be able to manage your time around them and all those in between. Not all narcissistic people cheat. All do lie. Some manipulative people are not actually narcissists. They don’t destroy others to succeed. Some successful people are, and some are not.
There are many types of narcissists out there, and once you open up to others, you’ll notice just how similar they are in their treatment of others.
“A narcissist is a con artist, and they will sell you a dream and deliver a living nightmare.”
Here are some of the more common signs of how narcissists behave if you think you have or you are dealing with one.
- They will never be Wrong, and if they are, it’ll always be someone else’s fault. Everyone makes mistakes and gets things wrong. We are human. It’s how we learn. Even from the basics of learning to walk, talk and eat, it’s rare for any child just to open their mouth and talk perfectly straight away, and we do all talk differently. Most people lose this natural thought process that we don’t always get it right the first time. Narcissistic people are scared of failure or mistakes. From the judgment of others, no one likes being pulled up on what they’ve done wrong. Hence, most people avoid doing hurtful things. There is no wrong way or right way to live life, so long as your intentions are good. However, with a narcissist they will never ever admit to being wrong unless it meets a need of their own. They will downplay it or shift the blame onto others. They Project all their faults onto others as they never look at themselves or the issues they cause. Nothing is ever their fault. They don’t learn from the mistakes of their own actions; and instead, they just hit repeat time and time again. They react exceptionally badly if challenged or questioned, which most people sometimes can. Narcissistic people react badly all the time when they have been exposed for wrongdoing or even feel criticism in any way. How do they react badly? They will do one of the following: they either fight, have temper tantrums, raise their voices, deny, blame-shift, pity plays, make excuses, or flight, walk straight out of the door, Silent Treatment, sulking.
- Constant lies or exaggeration: there are the different types of narcissistic people: those who are successful and boast and exaggerate at just how incredible they are, and those not as successful that will blame life for treating them so badly. Those in between that will do both. Those who work hard and are successful want praise. Those who are lazy want pity. In the narcissist’s reality, they are the hero or the victim, yet never the villain. They lie about things they’ve achieved. Or exaggerate things they’ve achieved. They lie about exes, lies about lies. They lie about family, lies about mistakes. Lie to cover lies; in fact, some lie so much they believe their own lies. Now, genuine people can have bad things happen and fall. Genuine people can get caught up in a white lie. They will not lie about everything.
- Some say they have a false mask, one face to cover the other face. In my opinion, they are who they are. They have the Admiration Face at the beginning, which is them, as it’s all manipulation and lies. They play nice to meet a need of their own or to let you know you owe them further down the line. They are not helpful or kind because they care. They do this to use and manipulate people. Then, the envy face when things don’t go their own way, where they seek to break people down. Or destroy those who’ve escaped them. Some are too lazy to seek revenge. Most, however, do the Smear Campaign. Reasonable people can wear a mask in public for fear of being misunderstood or disliked. That’s part of who they are. It’s not to manipulate. It’s to fit in. Whatever face the narcissist has on it is all about manipulation.
- Where they go, the drama follows. Whatever they are doing, drama seems to follow. They might be gossiping and smearing people’s names, playing people off against each other, provoking people, causing others to argue, Lying, Cheating, always seeking some form of drama. Narcissistic people have high levels of mood swings. They can have intense highs and intense lows, and genuine people can have mood swings. Life gets hard. Situations happen. Environmental factors like the narcissist you’re dealing with can cause you massive highs and lows. Yet, most people feel pain and try to avoid it. Narcissistic people thrive from drama and negativity in those around them to make themselves feel better. Those around them end up walking on Eggshells to avoid the negativity and drama, trying to please them and not set them off, as a narcissist doesn’t know what they truly want. They are a ticking time bomb and can go without you even knowing what happened.
- They control others, or they use others. Controlling behaviour can be a sign in general. You can also have people who are a perfectionist, so they come across as controlling. They’ll not be manipulative with it. Or people who are highly insecure and they are not narcissistic. They just need extra certainty within their lives to feel safe. A person with a narcissistic personality disorder will try to control everything and everyone. From how others see them and you to how you see others, they will act controlling in any given situation. They will use tactics like Intimidation behaviour, threatening behaviour, pity plays, and silent treatments. They can be plain old, vindictive and nasty. They don’t care for what impact their behaviour has on others, only that they have control. They take the power of controlling behaviour to extremes. The Overt Narcissist can be very direct, and coverts can be more subtle. Remember, you can not control how they act or what they do. You can control how you deal with it and how you respond. The best response is no contact with most narcissists. This is not always possible, so limited communication and keeping your focus on yourself.
- Manipulation they seem to be the masters of manipulation, especially when you are unaware of what they are or what they are capable of. They are highly skilled at turning any disagreements into a massive argument, taking Conversations off the original topic, and making others blame themselves for their own bad behaviour. They Gaslight others into self-doubt and self-blame. They can be extremely convincing and charming. Anyone who goes against them will find themselves in the midst of a mass smear campaign and being outcast as people take the narcissist’s side. They control others and make decisions for others through guilt and blame, to meet a need of their own. Knowing your own reality, writing key things down, letting go of those who don’t support you, being alone and being lonely are two very different things. You can be with a narcissist and feel so alone, and you can be on your own and not feel Lonely.
- They Idealise, Devalue, Discard. This goes into their two faces. While they want to win you over, they will do all they can to be admired. If they feel like Control is slipping, they’ll devalue you until you give in and do exactly what they want at that moment. This changes week to week, and they discard when they believe you’re no longer meeting their needs. When they feel envious, they try to destroy people.
- They can rationalise anything and convince others they are correct, distorting others’ reality. They use pathological lying and manipulation, from the gaslighting, provoking and blame-shifting. A narcissist will try to get others to doubt themselves, telling them they’re insecure or that something never happened. Some will admit it but find a way for it to be someone else’s or your fault for why they did something in such a way people often believe them. Anything that doesn’t feel right to you most often isn’t trust within yourself.
- They will ruin a special occasion, anything that isn’t all about them, they will pull out all the stops to ruin, from birthdays to Christmas, weddings to funerals, if it is their birthday they’ll find a way you didn’t get something right, someone else’s they’ll find a way to ruin, they will provoke to get you in a bad mood, bring up things that happened years ago, bring the attention onto them for someone they’ve lost and offer little to no sympathy, in the beginning, they’ll pull out all the stops to show you they care, once hooked this will stop. They have extremely low to no Empathy. Narcissists do not care for how others feel. People who don’t support you through the good and the bad are not the people for you.
- They believe they already know everything, and it’s their way and their way only. They are not interested in others’ perspectives, points of view or opinions as they believe within themselves that they already know everything.
- Rules do not apply to them, yet they apply to those around them. They believe they are above all others, and some will manipulate authorities and courts. They believe they can do as they please, and all others should bow down to them.
The narcissist is stuck with a narcissist personality disorder. They are not interested in changing as they don’t see fault within themselves. They will continue this pattern throughout life, often getting worse with age, it did not start with you, and it will not end with you. Whatever they do to you, it’s not about you. It’s all about them. They want you to believe you are the problem to change who you are and help them. Most will straight out say to you. ” it is not all about you.” because they believe it’s all about them and their needs been met. They do not care for others. They only care for themselves, you can not help them, you can help yourself by walking free. It is about you, your happiness, and your life, you choose to help others, and they choose to destroy others. Whoever the narcissist is or was in your life, learn your own reality and your own truths. You do not need negative, toxic people who bring you down. Life’s hard enough. Surround yourself with positive, supportive, uplifting people.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Hi Liz, I read what you wrote about narcissistic people and I’m not sure if my ex-husband is one. My 13 year old son lives with him.
Hello Maria, narcissistic or not, anyone who treats you badly, is disrespectful towards you, etc. Is toxic and not for you. Do you still get to see your son?