Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
A narcissist is a parasite and their targets are their host, contrary to most beliefs if the narcissist has got a target and especially if they have not got other sources lined up they don’t actually want to destroy their host completely, narcissistic people have an infectious ability to find a target and attach without the host even knowing they are slowly being infected and destroyed. By the time the host wakes up from the trance, the narcissist has put them under. The host is well and truly infected, feeling like they’ve lost their minds, feeling confused, crazy, like no one will ever understand them. making escape extremely difficult and recovery a step by step process.
How do they do this?
Like all parasites the narcissist lies in wait to find a target hook them in and make them the narcissists host, Usually with the love bombing, showering with affection, mirroring all the targets likes and dislikes. Flattery, charm, the target is led to believe they have met the one.
Once you are hooked, the narcissist subtly and slowly starts to drain everything about your life right out of you, from digs about your flaws, insecurities, vulnerabilities, how you dress, your opinions, feelings, imperfections, making you out to be stupid, never missing an opportunity to to point out your errors, and they reinforce it by doing so continually, the narcissist brainwashes you on so many levels, gaslighting is another one, this is an insidious form of mental abuse, where the narcissist psychological makes you doubt your own reality, blame-shifting, further manipulation so you feel like you are and take all the blame for any problems in the relationship, provoking you so that you believe you are more to blame due to your own reactions. Yet they have also shown you at the beginning of what a good person they can be to make you doubt yourself even more, with silent treatment which is another form of mental torture, you look for what you did wrong and ways to fix it, then beg and plead for forgiveness to end the extreme pain you are feeling within. Again they will show the nice narcissist so you believe it was all your fault, they will borrow money, make excuses for not paying you back. From the time they might have given you something years ago, or you are walking on eggshells and too afraid of their reactions or punishment and the pain you feel within from that punishment to ask, the same goes when they ask for things that break down your boundaries, your afraid of their reaction you give in, or they triangulate you with other people to distort your mind and perceptions so you give in.
The relentless manipulation and constant pressure effect your own judgment and thinking skills. They want to gain control of your mind and your life, and most narcissistic people succeed 100%.
Taking back control of your mind.
The first step is to identify why.
Getting away from the narcissist so you’re no longer listening to them, is the start, of you, do have to see them learning to observe and not absorb their toxic words. Then You have to learn and know what the thoughts are, and that those thoughts are not your own, which is hard to differentiate, especially if they’ve been drilled into you from childhood. Our brains are thinking, we believe it’s our thoughts, sometimes you might recognise the ex’s words, or your parents, talking it through with professionals that can catch you out on your words in a good way can help to recognise them all, or writing them out, it becomes easier as you work through. Thinks like.
“No one will love me.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m a bad parent.”
And the rest, those negative self-doubting thoughts that linger in your mind and are affecting your present.
Even when you’ve gone no contact, that thinking can still be your way of life and it holds you back, to fully move on and find your happiness you’ve got to remove all the toxic poison they planted in your own mind, it’s time to stop letting those seeds grow and pull them out by the root one by one.
Whilst we all have insecurities, flaws and vulnerabilities, the narcissistic person will have picked these apart and really broken them down within us. You need to learn to accept those things or change those things, only for you though, no one else you.
Writing down all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, especially those that the narcissist drilled into you, then look for reality that proves otherwise.
“I’m stupid.” We all have our moments of doing things we wish we hadn’t, however, this does not label us as stupid. So look for things you have achieved. Would a stupid person be able to achieve that? No, so you’re not stupid.
“No one will love me.” Ask yourself, why will no one love me? You’re an empathetic, kind, caring loving person, and yes you are, the evidence you fell for and tried you’re best to help a narcissistic person. Write down all your good qualities, start falling in love with yourself and the right people.
“I’m not good enough.” Ask yourself, why am I not good enough? Just because a narcissistic person is not worthy of you, does not mean you’re not worthy. Look again for things you have achieved, people you’ve tried to help even if they sank you. Set your small tasks and prove to yourself you can do them. Little goals add up every day, people can feel not good enough even when they haven’t had a narcissistic relationship, yet the narcissist will use this insecurity against people to make themselves feel better and make you feel worse, you are good enough, find those good qualities within.
“I’m insecure.” Ask yourself, why am I insecure, most likely you were listening to and spoke up about your instincts which were true, to get gaslighted, it’s not insecurities when people are doing the very thing you fear and denying it to you, that’s the reality. Learning who you are and who you want to be, real insecurities are things like, worrying you don’t fit in, which most good people do, and when you open up to the right people, you’ll often find they feel the same and will want to lift you up, just like you want to lift others up, narcissistic people use this against people and make you feel worse about yourself to isolate you. Fear of failure is another real insecurity most people have, and another where narcissistic people and those afraid to fail within themselves. Face the fear and do what’s right for you, most successful person has failed at some point, to fail is just your first attempt in learning. Speak up for you, say how you feel, if people don’t like you, they are the ones with the issue, all good people will understand you and no doubt had similar feelings at some point in their lives.
“I’m a bad person.” Ask yourself, why am I a bad person? Reactive abuse, choices you made, if you look back, either the narcissist pushed your buttons, or you made a choice at that moment with good intentions.
Whatever words the narcissist planted in your mind, start to question them and give yourself the correct answers. Look for evidence to prove those negative thoughts otherwise, and find positive people that will help you to do this.
Your brain has different thinking skills.
Emotional thinking. So when you feel fear, you make a choice on that fear, happy, you make a choice on that happy, thinking with your emotions to decide what you’d like to do, or what emotion you’ll get by doing something.
Logical thinking. So what we say makes sense. ” when I have a shower I get wet.”
Critical thinking. Making a reasoned judgment that is well thought out. Finding the evidence to support the thoughts. Tuning into your criteria thinking skills, to help you see different perceptions, then finding the reality so your logical thinking matches.
So if you can see something is true that’s your logical, if an action or a situation has triggered an emotion you might use your emotional thinking. If you a perceiving something to be true without facts your critical thinking.
You can and you will recover from this.