Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Emotional and phycological damage that the narcissistic parent causes their own child.
It is horrendous, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and overwhelming, it’s unbearable at times for the parent trying to do their best for the child. It’s hard knowing what to do, or who to turn to.
Narcissistic parents, see their children as a possession, and most will plot and plan anyway they can to get control of their children’s minds.
The narcissist sees all others as an extension of themselves including their own children.
If the children are seen as attractive to the narcissist, or have a gift (all children are gifted.) but a gift that the narcissist values, that the narcissist can use to make themselves look better.
Narcissists actually believe that they are an excellent parent, those that stick around to parent, they don’t see how the let downs or the negative talk has effects on the child, they really believe they are a great parent. They believe the other parent is at fault.
Narcissists will go all out in the smear campaign to all those around them, including the children, about the healthy parent. Some of these parents are isolated from friends and family, because of the narcissist, making it even tougher.
The narcissist will step up their games, through the children, through mediation and through court, in order to win the children at all costs.
The narcissist will blame the normal parent for the relationship break down to the child.
The Narcissists wants the child to doubt the other parent so the child goes to the narcissist for a reality check.
The narcissist might just say straight out, “your parent is mean.” Or “they are lazy.” Or “you don’t have to listen to their regimented rules live with me.” They will repeat these things, to get the thoughts to remain in the children’s heads.
They may play inappropriate songs on repeat to the children.
They may threaten or phone social services, child protection on the healthy parent.
They will often give the children no boundaries or rules, telling the children. “I know it’s boring with your other parent, I’ll make it exciting when you back with me.”
If the child mentions the other parent to the narcissist, the narcissist will shut the child down, “we don’t need to discuss that.” Or that’s not important.” Or the might just roll their eyes at the child.
If the children choose to spend to much time with the healthy parent the narcissist will use silent treatment on the child, to make the child feel bad.
Children learn they have to be a certain way, to get affection from the narcissist. The children then feel and learn they have to lie about certain things or keep secrets about things. The children can develop anxieties and depression, may self-harm, struggle with their emotions. The child may then learn to play the parents off against each other, as they grow older. They can struggle through adulthood, if it’s not dealt with correctly In childhood, they may struggle to regulate their emotions.
If you are in this situation you need to create a plan that you will follow. You need to learn everything about the narcissistic personality disorder, understand it’s not you as you wouldn’t be questioning if it was if you were a narcissist. Learn about the disorder and everything they do.
The narcissist will teach the child to question themselves about you, so no white lies. Think before you speak and try to always stick to your word, something a narcissist struggles with. Explain your actions if they differed to your words.
If the children let you know stuff, you will have to explain that the other parent and you just don’t think the same way.
Make sure your children let their emotions out, when they come home, listen to them when they talk about what the narcissist says or does, do not force your opinions on them, the narcissist is doing enough of this, just explain everyone has different, values and opinions.
Teach your children to put themselves in other’s shoes, and teach them empathy.
You can not discuss it with the narcissist they will only blame you. They will know they have, control and power.
Get as much support from those around you, as you possibly can, get child psychologist in for the children if needed, keep communication via messages and keep a backup record if needed. Evidence for mediation or court. Records need to be kept, excellent ones and consistent, with dates and times, the good if there is any and the bad, whatever the children
Say, about what has been said to them, let downs on collecting their children etc.
If possible have someone present on child handovers, even recording what’s said and done.
Do not react to the narcissist, and do not talk bad of the narcissist to the children, they get enough of this from the narcissist, stay positive and concentrate on teaching them, their own values, their own beliefs system and listening to their instincts.
You would need a strong lawyer in court that understands. The narcissist will not negotiate, they may act as they will.
Join support groups, to help with difficult situations, people will have been through it, or will be going through it, get as much advice and support as you can, keep yourself positive which can be hard, with the narcissists games, it’s challenging but getting the sleep and rest that you need is important. Exercise will help you rest, good nutrition. It’s vital you keep your mind and body in top form to cope. Yoga or meditation, listening to positive mindset videos. Listening to music That lifts you, nature walks. Self-care. Write your thoughts and feeling out. Get pen to paper to help you feel better.
Remember it’s not your fault, these people are extremely manipulative and until you have the knowledge you don’t understand what’s happening to you.
After my ex-narcissist told my children not to listen to me, and to pour boiling water on me, we had to go no contact, the narcissist has initiated mediation, I’ll update.
At the moment both children are excelling and the eldest has been discharged from, doctors, psychologists and multi-agency team, for his positive and massive turn around into a happy child, with no depression or anxiety, two weeks no contact and the children haven’t asked, they’ve seen the car at the end of the road, and still not asked they are happy children. I’m sure they will ask at some point as it is their parent and they do love the narcissist as they don’t understand. To them its dad.