The narcissist may take a long time to hoover, and with some can be days, some weeks and some years. Some of those on the lower end of the spectrum may find it too much effort even to bother, especially if your boundaries are high.
If you managed to get out, or if they left you, with the trauma bond, Anxiety and possible CPTSD, you are left with endless wounds of insecurities and vulnerabilities that you must heal and overcome and it can feel like a long, hard, incredibly draining journey at times, but please stick with it. It will become so much easier. You will get there, and you will find your happiness again, it just takes work from you.
With the trauma bond, you are weaning yourself off a drug, those around you that haven’t been through it will not understand, so join support groups of people who have been there. Any question you ask, someone will have been through the same or very similar, it’ll help you to understand you’re not alone, also how you think and feel is normal.
Narcissistic relationships cause a whole lot of damage that you have to heal, I understand and know exactly what you’re going through, I also understand those around you that haven’t been through it, telling you to just get over it, do not understand it’s not a normal break up, if you have children with the narcissist it’s even harder as you can not just cut the narcissist out. Also, the narcissist will be using those children to further their destruction of you.
They will not give you answers or conclusion as to what happened, and they want to keep you confused, if they know they are doing it or not. So the best step for you is to research, the narcissist personality disorder, to give you more understanding of what you have been through and who you are dealing with,
It’s not all your fault, no matter what you do, no one deserves that kind of abuse, so no matter how many times they blame you, you need to remove that thought from your mind.
You are most likely an empath and you most likely changed yourself so many times, until you lost who you were to make the relationship work with the narcissist.
When you know about narcissism, Some of you might be waiting for the hoover, even though you’ve been back before, just to validate they are a narcissist, narcissistic or not, abuse is abuse mental or physical, so you need to get out and stay out.
You might be waiting for the hoover, so you can tell them where to go and give yourself the closure and the grand final of the relationship that never truly existed in the terms of a relationship more, sunken ship, with the narcissists that only aims to take everything away from you, so you hit rock bottom and have to fight with everything you have just to reach the surface again, dodging them trying to dunk you straight back under.
When the narcissist appears to hoover you, human nature can make you intrigued. Personally, I would recommend, no contact or grey rock and stick to it but you have to do what right is right for you, so if you do acknowledge them, remind yourself, they are abusive, and they are a narcissist.
Because we were at the time co-parenting, I listened to how my ex-narcissist went around the manipulation tactics of the hoover, for the third and final hoover they tried, I didn’t yet understand entirely they had NPD.
The day they had a new child, they wanted to marry me and have a baby with me to fix our relationship. That was a firm no from me, and then they wanted to go to counselling, that was also a firm no from me, they then went on to how it was all my fault they’d got a new child because I wouldn’t take them back, as they’d left 18 months before life across the road, to hoover five months later, to only get co-parenting, so they blamed me for again going back to what they left, as it had all been one big mistake. My five-year-old after visiting dad would come home after a visit all over saying. ”daddy says its all your fault, and he would live here if you’d let him.” parental alienation.
I decided from then on its time, to love my life and stop letting the narcissist triangulate us.
Unfortunately for her, this meant within a matter of weeks he left his mothers and moved back in with her, after ignoring her for the whole pregnancy, I hope she gets out soon and heals, as I know too well all the stuff she’s going to go through, I also understand we have to wake up and see it for ourselves, a small part of me hopes she can make it work. He can change, unfortunately, his past history, the patterns of his behaviour and having nine traits on the spectrum, I believe he has the disorder, and he is unable and unwilling to change.
The narcissist will never be accountable, and they will not see what they’ve done to cause any of it, they’ll not even take 50/50. They may false apology, but they will still turn it all around onto what you’ve done.
The narcissist hates being alone and has to jump from one relationship to another, while it’s working. They’re getting positive vibes about how amazing they are with the new partner, on the whole, they’ll leave you alone, as soon as that mask slips, they come back and test the waters, first so they can get all your attention and feel better about themselves, second to make the new person feel horrendous as you once did, and third to play you off against each other to fight over them and give the narcissist all the attention they need.
The narcissist is incapable of loving or caring about you, and they don’t deserve you, the best way to handle a hoover, grey rock if you have children, no contact if not, trying to do anything else, will result in slowing your recovery. They’ve already taken up to much of your time.
Keep going, keep positive, stay happy, it gets a little easier each day, and soon you will be your happy new found self again.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended Reading List.