Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Both men and women are on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, as they are on a spectrum some will walk away and for the most part leave you alone, however, some can be extreme in their games to destroy you long after the relationship is over.
Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist friend, co-worker, family member or ex, here are a few key points to help you deal with them.
1. No contact, do not react towards them in any way, shape or form, this is exactly what they want, it’s incredibly hard at first, but once you realise you are giving them exactly what they want, and they will continue if you are reacting, once you stop you do have to hang on for the ride as they will up their game to pull a reactions from you. You may want to have it out with them, they will not give you closure, you may be angry, that’s what they enjoy, you may want them to see your point of view, they are not interested, they are only interested in themselves, no contact or grey rock is vital for your own sanity.
2. Learn from the relationship and grow. Move forward with your own life, its incredibly hard especially if you’re left with anxiety, trauma bond and CPTSD, you need to force yourself back out into the world, yes take a few days off, stay in bed, but set a time limit, then get back out there, the longer you hide away the harder it’s going to become, also the narcissist will have smeared your name and will claim your hiding for fear because you’ve been outed by them as an abuser, the narcissist will use anything and everything against you, getting back out there as you’ve done no wrong will clear your name faster, if they are telling everyone you are crazy, you not me matching the narcissist words, as you’ll be out and about living life freely again. Join a support group, join clubs, meet new people, reconnect with those you lost, most are good people and they will help you through it.
3. Don’t try to clear your name, the narcissist will have got in there with all their false reality, give it time, the gossip will pass and karma will deal with the narcissist.
4. Don’t let them get to you, stay no contact or grey rock, yes same as point one, but once they realise they can not get to you directly, the smear campaign isn’t working, you living life again, they’re going to try smear you to what friends and family you have, bosses, co-workers, your own children, just counteract the games with the children, if safeguards it’s too big, the children will have to also go no contact, Keep everything recorded. The Narcissist might send flying monkeys your way, so if anyone says anything about the narcissists smear campaign, just let them know ” the truth will out one day, as for now, that my past, I’m living in the present, I’ve moved on and made myself happy without them.” That way they are only getting gossip to feed the narcissist that they will not like as they’re not getting to you. The narcissist just wants to keep you in checkmate.
5. Unlike most relationship break downs, especially when you have children together, it’s tough at first but most can come to some form of co-parenting arrangements, with a narcissist this is never going to happen, every time you compromise with them, you compromise your position, these people do not understand compromise they want it all their own way. Give them an inch, they will take a mile. Find your boundaries and stick with them, don’t say no to something just because they did something the week before, they want you to do this, don’t say yes for fear of reactions from the narcissist. Live life your own way, doing what’s right for your children and you. Say no mean no, no more discussing needed, this is hard at first, most of us like to chat and compromise, the narcissist isn’t listening what they can and will use against you, they will twist anything out of context. If you have to explain for yourself, explain once and leave it, do not go off topic, do not react to there response. They are just trying to provoke you.
6. Don’t start going out with them and the children, even though you’re only doing it for the children’s sakes, with a normal co-parenting relationship you can, with a narcissist they will use this against, they will tell others how awful you are, and that you’re feeling guilty, now you’ve decided they are a good person, they will twist it to their advantage any way they can, they do not care for you or the children, they are just an extension to be used as and when the narcissist feels like it, stand firm on your beliefs and do what’s best for you and the children. Do not try to reason with them, reach out to their good side, the only good side they have is when they want something from you, so they can destroy you all over again.
Stay no contact, grey rock, disarm them with no reactions, leave them be, whilst you rebuild a much happier more peaceful life for you.