Parallel parenting with a narcissistic person is far from easy if safeguarding issues are too big, no contact is a must, a few ways, my ex tries to cause mental abuse. A few ways I counteract it, what son was like and how they are now, hope it helps those who have children who see the ex.
Until I realised parent was a narcissist, our son rarely smiled, anxiety never wanting to leave the house, depressed didn’t wake up till 11 if allowed, wouldn’t put shoes on getting dressed would say at five hated life wished to die. So many more.
Found out, narcissist.
Limited contact, one day at weekend one eve in the week around 1:30 hrs, some of that time take up with a swimming lesson.
Routine and stability set up.
Boundaries, no extras unless Christmas or school holidays and routine shot anyway.
Mat teamwork with him in school,
Lots of conversations about own beliefs, opinions, values, what they like for themselves, what they don’t like, lots of positive praise, if they tell the truth I never tell them off I praise for truth and work on a solution together, this way they know they can tell me anything. Just because you don’t like someone’s else opinions, respect them for being theirs, don’t try to change them, you don’t have to like others opinions, and you don’t have to take them as your own.
Lots of activities to make friends, get exercise endorphins for the brain, trying lots of different activities to find what they love for themselves.
When they come home upset and angry, after visiting the other parent, they are allowed to have 10 minutes letting it all out safely, then music on the telly and a good dance to pick them back up.
Supposed to be Every night, sometimes we forget 🤔
One thing they overcame that day or saw someone else overcome.
One thing they achieved or saw someone else achieve.
One positive about the day.
Praise and more praise.
As a parent, sometimes I lose my patience, then I have to explain why I lost my patience, what about it was my fault and how we can work together.
We are human we make mistakes which is another conversation we have, it’s about learning from them.
Talk talk talk.
I now have two very happy, outgoing, smiley boys. The massive turn around is incredible, took a couple of weeks to see slow changes, a couple more weeks for others to comment, who didn’t even know the situation, notice how much they’d changed and how smiley they now were, three months, to have a happy child who no longer carries the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Parents now cycled back around to not seeing them much, dropping off early, ignoring me asking what time they are coming to pick up, so I can have boys ready, we all know how a narcissist hates to be kept waiting, don’t want that for boys, as narcissists other tactics have failed to work, guess what this will too, I know all too well the narcissist will be telling others it’s me, as that’s what the narcissist used to do when they didn’t see child from a previous relationship, it was all that crazy ex’s fault of course as a narcissistic person is never accountable, but I have all the messages, saved and printed over the last few months that I’ve sent asking, just in case they go to mediation or court as some like to, or if for whatever reason I can no longer counteract the mental abuse and have to stop contact. If I don’t hear back, I don’t let narcissist mess us about,
Either way when your coming or don’t bother.
It’s heaven at the moment. Boys are so happy.
Before I knew they were a narcissist, I’d react and try and explain my point of view, the children’s points of view, of course, this would all fall on deaf ears every time, and they would do it all the more, just to get an emotional reaction from me.
Now narcissist gets nothing, nada, diddly squat, as I no longer care for what they think, or for their interesting interpretation of reality. Instead, I just put all my energy and words into myself and boys. To give us the relatively peaceful, Normal, ( whatever normal is) life we have now.
Parallel parenting now, I parent my way at home kids know routine and boundaries, leave narcissist to it, they will grow to know the difference.
I never ever slate the narcissist, they constantly get enough of the narcissist slating me to them.
Another one my son asked me about as the narcissist told them, it’s all my fault narcissist lives across the road with a new partner, stepchildren and baby brother, if it weren’t for me, the narcissist would live with us, if I’d let them move back in they’d live with us. Yes, that one blew my mind too when our son told me.
I explained everyone’s allowed opinions, and beliefs, that’s for them, mine are for me, yours are for you, nothing wrong with listening, but if you don’t agree on stick with your own, they can work that out when older and do sex ed.
( I’d really like to say the truth, the story of the narcs’ life, they just live with whoever will put a roof over their heads, as they are too damn lazy to get on for themselves.) I know as to when they came back to me once I spent 18 months trying to help them find somewhere and move out of their parents.
If the narcissist doesn’t pick up on time though, we are out of here. I do allow for traffic, even though they live across the road.
I’ve waited around loads in the past for a no show, disappointed children, waste of a day, no more, happy children now.
The narcissist is not allowed in our home, it’s our safe haven, for peace and tranquillity, five boys I’m telling lies far from tranquil, but without narcissist, so you know what I mean.
Life’s good now, took a lot of time, work and effort to achieve, a few bumps and setbacks along the way, so I’m not going to say it’s easy as empaths we like to reach out and see the good in others, see what we could do to make it better, nothing did and this last resort that’s all in place now works, once you see it working, it becomes so much easier, it was extremely draining at times.
Plus narcissist hates the fact they have lost all control over me, of course, I needed a mental evaluation, I’m ruining boys lives, I’m bitter, blah blah blah. You know the stuff they like to send textbook narc of how it’s all someone else’s fault and never their own doing.
Umm nope narcissist, the children can see you, you can pick them up, you can not be arsed, not my problem think what you will, not that I send that to him ever as they’d get some thrill from it.
Oh, when narcissist got days they wanted they then could no longer make them, wanted to change them, I said yes worked better for us and narcissist actually gave themselves less, guess what? Narcissist wanted to change again, worked ok with us, so I said yes, next game, try again mate.
The one, the narcissist, asked if boys could sleepover, I asked what night, heard nothing for a week. I offered them several dates over a four week period, none were suitable and as they put it. “I’m not dancing to your tune.” So I offered them, eight nights each month over six months that suited boys to choose one, nope all unsuitable for the narcissist. Apparently, I was being “impossible.” So I asked them what night they’d like again, they never got back to me, I think they believed I’d just say no. At that point, I didn’t understand they were a narcissist. Also, the children are not my property; yes, my job to protect and care for them.
One of their finest moments, it was their birthday, I’d asked my son if he’d like to make or buy anything, my son had made some things at school and just wanted to give those, put in the bag of they went to see the parent when narcissist brought them home. Son said to me “ Where are the things I made.” I said, “ in the bag.” Got them out passed to our son to give to their parent. The parent actually stood in front of us and said. “ it’s all your stupid mother’s fault. I’ve been calling you a liar all day.” Once upon a time, I’d have stood up for myself and talked back, to get all the word salad and end up feeling even more misunderstood and questioning myself. So instead I stood there as a third party thinking, wtf, I said nothing and closed the door, my son turned around to me and asked: “ Do they know what they are saying.” I found it so hard not to laugh. I simply explained. “ They themselves may not what they are saying, it doesn’t mean you have to take it on board, or you have to understand, you can always ask someone what they mean by what they say, the. If you still no longer understand, leave them be and enjoy your own thought process.”
Sorry I slightly enjoy winning at life, after all the hard times and crap narcissist put us through, while they circle around following the same old patterns wondering why their life so shit. Blaming everyone else and the whole woe is me.
In all honesty, the narcissist now has a 5-month-old, new partner and two step kids, I’d actually like to see them sort their own life out for them and our boys, I’ve got to a point in my life, I’d like to see them happy, just away from me. But if they do or don’t, they are no longer my problem.
If they don’t sort themselves out soon, I hope new partner gets out a lot faster than I did. That, however, in none of my business.
Technically they shouldn’t be living there, in the none molestation order I had to get, as they threatened to make me “ disappear if I carry on with my silly games of getting our son help.” In front of the children. I put in they could pick up our children and drop them off, at Pre-arranged times, and they could visit another child as it was within the 100 metres.
I’m not calling the police on the fact they live there. I did, however, call them, when they surprised us at the car one morning, as we were going out for sons birthday treat. They even sent a message saying “hope I didn’t spoil the day.” Nope, I called the police, and the boys and I had a fantastic day.
They were together five months Narcissist moved in within a week of leaving here, cheated on her, then decided they wanted to come back here I said no, when baby born, with a new partner the same day baby was born they asked me to marry them and have a baby with him, thanks but no thanks, within a few weeks, they had moved back in across the road. I actually told them they would, once you observe the patterns you can read them like a book.
It’s not an easy road, it has tears and tantrums, ups and downs along the way, and that’s just from me. If you keep working on it, you do move onwards and upwards for a much happier life.
So wherever you are, don’t give up on yourself, keep going, life will become so much better, and you will get to a point, where the narcissist no longer affects you, you no longer want to waste your time or breath on their silly tantrums.
I would like to add. Some narcissist are far too dangerous to be around the children. Some have to be in contact centres, some walk always blaming you, only you know what that narcissist was like with you. What the safeguarding issues are, so do what’s right for you and your children.
Save all messages, in case you ever need them as evidence.
Keep going stay strong. You’ve got this.
If anyone had the advice to help others on how they handle the parenting, please add in comments.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.