Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
When did you see?
They can lie, they can cheat, they can let you down, some get physical, some strangle you, pull hair, spit, or punch you. Yet through all the manipulation, it’s hard to see whilst you’re in it. It takes one thing to truly see and once you know you go
Took me a while, but these are some moments I pushed my instinct down. A lot I’ve not put in could go on all year.
They were too good to be true, liked everything I do. I did not see.
There were so good with my children and their eldest, yet their eldest spent most of the time with me. They told me how good a parent they were. I did not see.
They messaged 10 minutes after leaving for work, every break, on the way home. I thought they cared. I did not see.
Their eldest child’s other parent and they had to go to court for access. They’d told me how bitter and crazy the ex was. This was a lie or the victim game. I did not see.
They used to say “I’m so helpful I should move in to be more help.” After two weeks. I did not see.
Their eldest child’s other parent had a new partner and another child, who was missing their big brother. I invited them out with us, they declined, when the narcissist found out they did not talk to me. I assumed because their ex had hurt them too much. I did not see.
They stopped buying things for the house, saying they had more maintenance to pay, I assumed the ex wanted more money. I did not see.
They smashed up the bedroom, over a silly argument, they blamed me. I did not see.
When their son punched, my son on holiday and I voiced my opinion, they threatened me, it was because I shoot my mouth off, I assumed it was me. I did not see.
Their eldest told me they were swapping council houses because they were getting a new sister. The house they’d told me they owned, the narcissist lied and said he must be mistaken, it was in the narcissists’ mothers name and was in negative equity, I got the silent treatment for asking. I assumed I’d upset them by not trusting them. I did not see.
Now and again they’d be the person if first met, just to confuse me, so I couldn’t see.
We were driving to pick my elder children up, the narc didn’t want to, an argument broke out and I got kicked out of the car, I did not see.
A family day out, they sulked off for the day, because tea wasn’t right the night before. I did not see.
They were messaging their best mates wife, I asked they ignored me for a week. they came back said it was a mistake and only messages, they didn’t want to end up alone. I assumed they’d made a mistake. I did not see.
Their son stole my son’s trainers, they stopped talking to their child, I explained in vain he’s just a kid, the situation is hard on them, they were using divide and conquer so the child couldn’t inform me. I did not see.
They’d fall out with their child, over not playing well at football, not getting top grades, I tried in vain to explain the child’s point of view. I did not see.
They compared and played one of my children off against theirs, in such a manipulative way. I did not see.
A child left a football team they managed, their child’s friends injured the one that left in a football game, they went to apologise to the parents. All a misunderstanding. I did not see.
As their child filled me in on the past, things went missing from the house of my children’s, they blamed their child to me. Who knows what lie they told their child. Divide and conquer they achieved, I did not see.
Once after some silent treatment I asked them to leave, they threatened to plant drugs in my kid’s school bags and call the police, I assumed, they were words from a desperate person. I did not see.
They’d tell me. “ you’ll end up like my crazy ex’s, you’ll never find another like me” yes I’m now happy like their ex’s and I’ll make sure I don’t end up with another. Thank you for the warning. Yet I didn’t see.
18 months of ear infections for our son, not one hospital or doctors visit did they do, I assumed why to bother if another will do it. I did not see.
A relative of there’s passed away, they started using drugs, I did not agree, I gave them six months to let me help or move out. They moved out. I was free, I was happy, yet I did not see.
They moved in across the road within a week, I assumed they were happy. I did not see.
They let our two kids down time and time again. I assumed they were compromising, with the new partner. I did not see.
After three months they picked up seeing their children regularly, I assumed they cared about them I did not see.
After four months they started messaging me, I assumed we had reached the coparenting point. I did not see.
After five months they came with excuses, of the mistake they had made. But I was free to be me, as they put it “I’ll eat humble pie” as they spoke to their parents to move back in who’s had the silent treatment for six months from the narcissist, I did not see.
They were trying to play happy family, to move back in, I was trying to get them to buy a home of their own. As I was now happy, yet I did not see.
I helped my child over three nights to ride a bike. They came on the third, had one go then went to mine to watch t.v. When visiting the grandparents, they told them how they’d taught the child and plastered it all over Facebook. I saw a look on my child’s Face I’d only seen before on his eldest child’s. I started to see.
They had a child with someone new, when the child was a day old, they wanted to marry me and have another baby, I said no way, you’re no longer allowed in my home. I was seeing something.
They blamed me for them having another child because I didn’t take them back.
I opened my eyes and started to see.
My son said he wanted to die at five, I called the narcissist for help who said: “I’m driving the child crazy.” I said we need to get the child professional help, they said: “I need a mental evaluation.” “ they’re calling social services on me if a carry on with my games” I really started to see.
When I carried on getting outside help for our child, so they said “ carry on and I’ll make you disappear” in front of the children, non-molestation order was got, to keep them from me, now they can only message me and only about the children. As now I see a narcissist was he.
My older children are all different yet they are all smiley, my five year old reminded me of an unhappy child I’d met before, yes the narcissist eldest, that by now was cutting his parent out of his life. That crazy ex his other parent he still loved and lived with. Something was rising in me. I could see.
They moved into the new child’s parent home. After a month of wanting to marry me. Something I told them when they still wanted to get back with me, they would do. Now I could clearly see.
For a few years, I’d been free and happy, but now with my child, I had to learn. Fast before the damage would last. With months of counteracting the manipulative behaviour towards our child that I now see, limited contact. Positive talk, child phycologist. I now have a child who’s happy and smiley, no longer afraid to speak up for who they want to be.
Now I’m truly free. I actually hope for the new person and child they can change and be happy, like me. Unfortunately assuming that is so wrong, as change, they can not do.
They no longer mean anything to me, no love, no hate. They can just be.
For my children are happy, I can teach them and counteract all that negativity, any point I can not, court it will be if they push the kids to far no contact it will be. A narcissist can not lose so that’s where they’ll take me.
The narcissist took the manipulation of the children too far, no contact was all we could do, mediation it was, but it wasn’t to be, the mediator knew they’d never see.
It was hard for me to take boys away from the dad even though I knew it would be best for their mental health and emotional wealth.
Yet three months in they are happier than before, they’ve grown and blossomed into their own free-spirited shining stars.
No word for the narcissist no birthday card, a call to the school as they are stalking me, saw the curtains were closed when we were on holiday.
Broken non-molestation order by waiting for us to pull up in the car and coming across.
They haven’t set up a contact centre to see the boys, yet messaged to say they missed them. Again all about them, no how are the boys? No happy birthday for son.
Confirms to me they are all about themselves and the boys are free to now truly be themselves.
I am now truly happy like I was before I met them, no more walking on eggshells, silent treatment, gaslighting, I am now free to enjoy life and be me.