Narcissistic men getting women pregnant. Narcissistic women getting pregnant.
Narcissistic people simply believe the children are an extension of themselves, a playmate, someone they can either gain admiration from, either from the child or by playing the good parent role in front of others to gain admiration from others. The child can also be used to create competition and rivalry, especially if they have more than one child.
With a narcissist, all they do is to further their control through manipulation. They will stop at nothing to exploit others, including manipulating their own children.
Did your narcissist want to have a baby with you not long after you had first met? Most will want children with you, no matter how many they already have or how many you have.
This is all just another manipulative tool for the narcissist to help them achieve their aims.
There are several ways a narcissist will use having a child together for manipulation. Not all narcissists want children. Those that do often want them very early on to prove how committed they are to you. Two people falling in love, making that comment together to create a new life, those narcissists who promise to have children with you, creating that family life, those hopes, those dreams, these are only done so the narcissist can get what they want from you.
If you’re still in the idealisation stage, and this amazing person wants to have children with you, it can be all your dreams coming true. It is made to seem like a loving and romantic comment that they wish to have children with you, whether it’s the male narcissist getting you pregnant or the female narcissist carrying your child. It’s all another manipulation technique to re-enforce their dominance over you and to conquer you by future faking to sell you an illusion, to keep you living in hope for something that’s never meant to be.
To the male narcissist they believe they are planting their seed, their essence deep inside of you. They may use the term. “Planting my seed.” Or “I chose you to be my incubator.” As we are an appliance to them. To the male narcissist, getting you pregnant is the ultimate accomplishment. They feel powerful, and they place what they believe to be their seed of themselves inside of you. It’s their ultimate conquest.
From the female narcissist’s point of view, they believe they have consumed a part of you inside them. They also feel powerful and that they have conquered you.
Those narcissists who want children will make good on their promises, possibly one of the only promises they will keep after the idealisation stage. They will have a child with you for their own gains. One is to tie you to them through the child. Having a child with you means to them that you are far less likely to abandon them or expose them. If you leave or if they cheat, you are far more likely to go back if you have a child together. You want the perfect family. In that idealisation stage, who better to have a family with then after the idealisation stage, they blame you for any mistakes they make and offer false promises of change, so you live in hope and hold on a little longer as you want the dream back of that perfect family, that they claimed they wanted to, their future faking to exploit you so they could get their needs met in the present. You don’t want to expose them as you know they’re your child’s parent.
The narcissist knows because of your loyalty, respect, morals, compassion, and willingness to forgive. You will dedicate yourself to the children’s upbringing. The children’s happiness, your beliefs of having a family unit makes it harder to leave, wanting the best for your children, trapped in the double bind of being dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t when you’ve had enough of their behaviour and want to leave, as you’ll not want to take the child away from the other parent making an almost impossible choice, it’s also not as easy to walk away with a child, and start afresh than it would be if it were just you. Allowing the narcissist to get away with more as you try to do what you think is best for the child. Narcissists reduce their own involvement or increase their involvement with the child as and when it suits them. As with a narcissist, they are lacking in empathy to care correctly for a child unless they have something to gain by doing so.
Narcissists use children for many reasons, and one is to keep their hold over you, to keep you tied to them.
Neither a male nor a female narcissist has children because they want children with you. Males purely use the female as an incubator. You are just the narcissist’s host. Once you are pregnant, many male narcissists will discard you. Not all will. You are just an appliance. To carry their offspring, they are now free to chase and to exploit other appliances.
If the pregnancy is during the idealisation stage, you will most likely be doted on.
Once the children have arrived, they are then used as pawns in the narcissist’s never-ending game of chess, where they will always try to put you into checkmate, that catch-22, when it seems whichever way you turn, you can not do right for doing wrong. Children are used to creating competition with you. They will triangulate children off against each other and you. Divide and conquer is what the narcissist is all about. You may have heard them say, “I love you more than daddy, don’t I?” Or “I love you more than mummy, don’t I?” “Don’t tell mummy, but she doesn’t love you only I do.” Or “Don’t tell Daddy about this, but he doesn’t love you, only I do.”
They use these kinds of words, so the children are left full of self-doubt.
When a child is neglected by their parent, often the child doesn’t stop loving their parent. The child stops loving themselves.
As many narcissists don’t neglect their children all the time, some will go all out and spoil them to create feelings of obligation within the child, or when the narcissist is neglecting the child, they use it as an opportunity to blame the child to get the child to work harder to please the narcissist, or they’ll smear the other parent to the child, bait the other parent into reacting and blame the other parent as to why the narcissist is neglecting their own child, to escape others looking badly on the narcissist, children often fear approaching the healthy parent as the children don’t think the other parent loves them, or their other parent had fawned to the narcissist and become an enabler.
Narcissists use many words to manipulate and triangulate their children.
“I’d love to see you more, but mummy/daddy won’t let me.”
“Don’t listen to daddy/mummy. They just like to spoil the fun.”
“Isn’t mummy/daddy grumpy today?”
“I’ll let you, But mummy/daddy wouldn’t.”
“Daddy / Mummy is too strict or regimented.”
“You get that from my DNA.”
“Have this money, but don’t tell Daddy/Mummy, as they’ll be annoyed with you for taking it.”
“If you had more respect for me than your mother/father.”
“You know what your mum/dad is like.”
A lot will fight for their children, not for the children, just to impress those around them. Anyone perceived to criticise the children, from teachers to managers of the team sport they play, will feel the narcissist’s wrath if their child isn’t picked for a first-team spot. They will condemn the choices of others. Stomp off with the child. They will use this to appear like they are a fantastic daddy, the perfect mummy. Not because they’re interested in their child’s feelings but because they’re interested in their own, playing the victim and hero to gain support. Many will not go to the children’s events, especially if the narcissist isn’t interested in that hobby. Instead, they’ll try to sabotage the hobby, or if the narcissist is interested in the hobby, they’ll go overboard in helping out. Many narcissists turn up purely to get at the ex. Many are a no-show, purely to get at the ex, as they know the ex cares for the child’s feelings and might react, especially when the narcissist tells the child directly that they will go, then blames the other parent to the child for why they didn’t go.
If the child is behind at school or in popularity, the narcissist will blame the other parent, and it will be all your fault if the children are not the best at everything.
If a child is in need of medical assistance, the narcissist can go overboard to gain attention or lack interest, claim the child’s not asthmatic, etc., as to them that’s an imperfection, which would be your side of the family’s fault and never the narcissist.
If you’ve separated, what they once told you were good about your parenting will now be turned against you. What a terrible parent you are, how you’re damaging the children. They will use the children to draw any emotional gain they can from you. However, they can. If they walk away from them with the children, it’ll be because “you’re bitter and twisted.” And will not allow them to see the children. You may be involved with the type of narcissist who will battle for custody because you’re crazy. If safeguarding issues are in place, so you stop access, they will not see this. As they are never accountable, it’s always someone else’s fault.
Lastly, they have children for a legacy, so they believe they will live on. They believe their greatness lives on through the achievements of their children. “ they get their brains from me.” Or “They get their sporting abilities from me.” The narcissist will always take the credit for what the children achieve. They don’t believe the child achieves anything, and they believe that they caused the children’s achievements.
Check these out!
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Stop explaining, start disarming.
Boundaries.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Help with children video.
My ex husband would say things to the kids right in front of me like, “I would let you, but mommy said no.” “You really want to do/see this, but mean old mommy won’t let you.” To me he’d say, “When they’re good, they’re my children. When they’re bad, they’re yours.” “A________ is athletic like me, but L________ has no athletic ability…just like you.” Can you guess which one is the golden child of the 2? 🙄😔
My son was a keep a woman baby. Gross
I’ve been told my son was/is a quote “keep a woman baby” more times than is like to admit.
Threats of self harm, even 10 years later.
I can’t correct our son around him. Littelest things such as saying, “Don’t go on the sidewalk, please.” to our son in Jan. 2020 because it IS a neighbhood notorious for drug activity, and that leads to impaired drivers. Any other normal parent would do the same, yet if you did this with some, you’re apparently, and I quote, “undermining them as a parent.”
They do not have the children’s best interest at heart is also another huge sign. The scary and heartbreaking thing about this one i have found, is they (the other parent/caregiver) legitimately think they are.
It may take you years to realize this, then it may take you years to realize the narcissist doesn’t learn the basic human morals and respect that you’ve probably screamed your head off about for years to them.
Listen.
It’s not that they can’t learn. Any narc willing to recover can change! What keeps them a narcissist is that they don’t want to change. You’ll know if they were open to change when you confront them about it. If they are still manipulating morals, then I gotta say you won’t be the one to teach them, but cutting tires with them will help you grow and gain your confidence back for life.
This leads to another red flag, which correlates with narcissistic traits and almost always leaves the victim feeling so isolated, wrong, and/or emotionally beatdown that they in turn it and move on to keep the peace. They know in their heart it is wrong or shouldn’t have been an argument, but it was, and will be again.
If you’re noticing a pattern with this, it’s like a rabbit hole. Anything outside of NO CONTACT will result in a rabbit hole of horrible manipulative (possibly deadly) situations. It’s better to rip the band aid sooner than later. I have to stop writing, because anyone who’s been with one can write a novel of the f*ckeries you’re about to endure just going no contact.
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I must say this before I leave, for anyone who needs help.
In extreme cases, coing no contact is BAT SH*T C R A Z Y.
Even if you’re like me and aren’t replying to them for weeks. It will have upsand down. You may in turn develop axiety, ptsd, depression, agoraphobia, but, the more you know, the faster you’ll recover.
You may never be the same after this. You may be stronger or find it harder to stay mentally positive, possibly for the rest of your life.
Get a gun. Not with the intent to shoot, but with intent to protect yourself before authorities can arrive. Have a backup plan, an overnight bag packed with enough money for a cheap hotel room, (Again, only in extreme cases, you will know when it’s this bad.) and rip that fucking bandaid off.