False apologies from the narcissist and how to spot them.
The narcissist has no sense of accountability due to their sense of entitlement. They believe they have the right to do what they want, when they want, with whoever they want. So they don’t think they need to apologise.
There is a lack of emotional empathy and remorse to give them the feeling of any need to apologise. The false understanding that a narcissist has means if they’ve done something and have something to gain by using a fake apology, they will give one.
”I’m sorry you.” ” I’m sorry if.” or ”I’m sorry but.” This is a false apology; the apology given is not because the narcissist feels the need to do so, as they have no sense of remorse, guilt, or conscience. Most do not have the cognitive reflection skills to look back and see what they have done. Once their mind is made up, it’s made up, that black-and-white thinking with no grey area. The false apology is only made to regain control, receive attention, regain superiority, and get their needs met, the apology is used as a means to appear sorry, yet it is never meant in a way someone with compassion would apologise. Some narcissistic people will never issue any kind of apology; for those that do, it’s only to further manipulate those around them. They see a need to use the words, but they lack the empathy to understand why they use them. Only that they work in the narcissist’s favour. Narcissists often use a false apology to prevent someone from leaving them or win someone back. To avoid disciplinary action at work.
Here are some false apology phrases you may have heard. If you believe the person to be a narcissist, these are false apologies. Also, what they actually think when they feel backed into a corner and need to say words to meet their own needs.
1. “ I’m sorry I left because of you.”
When saying this, they think you did something that criticised them, causing them a narcissistic injury, even if you didn’t. They took it as criticism and wanted to punish you. They will not tell you what they were doing. More than likely, they were either with their ex or their new supply. Who the narcissist wanted to see because you, in the narcissist’s eyes, we were not supplying them at that moment with the attention they believe they’re entitled to, and the other person was. They may have thought the other person criticised them in some way. Or they’ve seen you’re doing better without them. Therefore they come back to you, pretending to be sorry. To control you again.
2. “ I’m sorry if you’d listen to me more, I’d listen to you.” they’re not sorry. They never listen to your opinions anyway. Your thoughts and feelings are invalid to them. A Narcissist rarely hears your words. Instead, they pay attention to your emotions and what they can use against you. They will pretend to apologise, saying they’ll listen in future. This is so that you give them some positive attention.
3. “I’m sorry I hit you because you made me angry.” “ I’m sorry I trashed the house. You annoyed me.” or “ At least I broke the door and didn’t attack you. You made me angry.” they will usually twist this into how you made them do it because you didn’t do something, or you said something, it will always be turned back onto you. They’re only concerned about what other people would think of them, or you might work out what happened, and they don’t want to be held accountable for their behaviour. They don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. They blame-shift onto those around them to escape responsibility, and once done, most then believe it was the other person’s fault and as they believe their story to be accurate, they are extremely convincing at passing the blame onto those around them, as we look for the good in them, with their projected words we are often the ones left believing that we are to blame, you are never to blame for someone else’s actions towards you, they are in control of what they do.
4. “ I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.”
They actually believe they are a better person than you. Still, they know you care and want to help them become the person they sold themselves to be to exploit you through their pity plays and guilt trips used to manipulate you into helping them, changing them, and healing them, so they gain some positive attention from you and hint that they will change with your help. So we then forgive them and try our best to help them.
5. “If you’d have paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.” They believe it’s your fault they went elsewhere as you don’t shower them with constant attention; admire them as no matter how much you give a narcissist, they are envious, and they often seek more. They cheated. That was their choice and not your fault. Reasonable people can make this mistake. Yet, they will feel guilt and remorse for doing so. Some might come to you and admit fault, and others will be too scared of the consequences, yet they would learn they didn’t like how it made them or you feel, and they would never do it again. Those who continue to cheat are only interested in themselves.
6. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Or “ I needed to go out, but you were ok” basically, if you are Ill, it’s a case that they don’t care, so they can not be bothered to care for you. Just go to bed and get out of their way so they can then go and find someone who will look after them. They don’t care at all; they just don’t want you to leave, as many fear abandonment. However, they are the self-entitled hypocrite that will abandon you when you need them the most, as they don’t think they’re getting the attention they deserve, so they look for a new supply.
7. “I’m sorry, I want to change.” Or “ I didn’t mean to. I just couldn’t help it. You know what I’m like. I’m worried about what I may do without your help.” Saying a narcissist never lies, this one is as close to the truth as you will ever get. They are sorry for themselves that they are just trying to get through life, and all these jealous, envious people come along to try and hurt them. Make them look the bad person when it’s not them. To them, it’s all your fault. To a narcissist, it’s always someone else’s fault, and it’s never anything they did.
The phrases a narcissist will use to blame shift while apologising.
” I’m sorry if you hadn’t.”
” I’m sorry, but you didn’t.”
“ I’m sorry for whatever you think I did wrong.”
“ I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“ I’m sorry for what you think I did.”
“ For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
“ I’m sorry if you think I said that.”
“ I’m sorry if you think I did that.”
“ I’m sorry you misunderstood me.”
Some narcissistic people will not apologise. Those that do it will either be a last resort to help themselves or twisted as to why it was your fault they behaved how they did.
If your narcissist ever apologised, how did they phrase it to you?
You can, and you will heal and recover from this.
False apology.
The cheating narcissist.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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I really enjoyed listening to your input. Very informative and something in my life I am struggling with to the point I was wondering if it was me. I have so much empathy and yes I get my feelings hurt and didn’t understand how someone could hurt someone and never ever apologize. I do walk on eggshells to the point I have stepped away from people I love dearly.
It’s not you, when around these kinds of people we can become to self-isolate as we lose the trust in others and within ourselves, also narcissists are extremely good at isolating people by triangulation.