What is and how to handle the narcissists smear campaign.
The smear campaign is the narcissist’s protection as they lie to others about what we’ve been doing to them, which indeed is most often precisely what they did to us.
The smear campaign is when a narcissist wants to destroy you any way they can.
”When they can no longer control you, they will try and control how others see you.”
A narcissist will do this through exaggeration, twisting the story of what they did to you, yet telling others you did to them, lies, slander, half-truths, spreading rumours and much, much more.
The narcissist uses the smear campaign so that they can keep their toxic behaviours hidden from society, so we look like we’re jealous and either wanting the narcissist back or wanting to seek revenge on the narcissist. They use the smear campaign to make us look like we’re crazy or obsessed with them. They will either play the hero that tried so hard to help us, and we are often left looking and acting depressed, a shell of our former selves, or they’ll be playing the victim of how we’ll no longer allow them to see their children or that we abused them, they’ll exploit others by using their empathy against them. They’ll be telling all those who’ll listen everything that they did to us, only they’ll be making out to others that we did to them. So they shift the blame and walk free from any responsibility.
They will tell people who gossip first to spread their manipulative lies further. They are twisting the story to play the victim and gain attention in any way they can.
A narcissist will most often blame those around them for what’s gone wrong within their own life. Some will say the ex abused them. Most will go for the ex is crazy, the ex will not let them go, the ex stalks them, which those exes might very well be acting like making the narcissists lies more believable, this is often due to the trauma bond and the fact that most narcissists just up and leave, moving straight onto the new with no closure.
There’s always more than one side to a story. There are also those screenshots, and when ALL the exes are crazy, ask yourself. What was the common denominator? Just like a leopard will not change its spots, a narcissist will not change their ways, their lies yes, their partners yes, their masks yes. Change their ways NO. They have a disorder narcissistic personality disorder. It’s who they are.
The smear campaign is a method the narcissist uses so they can escape any accountability. They can often start the smear campaign before the relationship is even over, and we often have no idea it’s happening. They can be triangulating us with friends and family without us even knowing. Nobody ruins a special occasion like a narcissist not being the centre of attention, as many a narcissist believes they are special and requires excessive attention, so if the occasion isn’t about them, they can go all out to ruin, to either make you feel anger, resentment, frustration before you even hit the event, then once there the narcissist will become their life soul of the party. At the same time, you look fed up, and they’ll be telling everyone how you didn’t want to go, they’ll be events you knew nothing about, and the narcissist will have blamed you in some way for why you didn’t turn up to an important family celebration, this all helps with their future smear campaigns.
You might be having a conversation with someone who brings up the event you knew nothing about. If you ask the narcissist, they’ll either lie about it or lie some more.
Often the first we know about the smear campaign is long after it’s started, our boss calling us in over a phone call from someone about lies that we have to explain away.
Their family and friends cutting us off, and our friends and family cutting us off as narcissists will go all out to isolate us from any form of support.
The narcissist can smear you to theirs and your friends, the narcissist’s family members, and yours throughout the relationship. They will be most likely to try and get your friends on their side before they discard.
With your neighbours, we all know what a narcissist can be like inside the home. Yet, outside the home, they might be charming all those neighbours into thinking how wonderful they are and how negative you are. Some will also be trying to move in with a single neighbour just to cut you a little deeper.
Children, if you have children together, most narcissists do not co-parent. They counter parent, any game or stunt they can pull to get at you. They don’t care for the damage they cause to the children’s minds so long as they are getting to you.
The new partners, they’ll be painting you out to be the crazy, depressed, the abusive one, and trying to provoke you in any way they can so your actions match their stories, and they gain sympathy.
Work, they will make snide comments about your co-workers, your boss to you, to create a hostile environment at work for you, as you begin to doubt those people you work with. Some even go to the extent of calling your workplace sometimes under the false pretences of helping you, others in obvious ways of trying to destroy you, might be obvious to you what they are doing, might not be so obvious to your work.
Court. A favourite smear tactic game of a narcissist is further Emotional and financial abuse through the court system. Excessive divorce proceedings or child custody arrangements, always breaking court orders, using whatever they can against you, lies, exaggerations, smear campaigns to sink you.
Some lies they might use in their smear campaign.
1. They might say you have a drinking problem. Many a person who’s been in a narcissistic relationship, often due to anxiety, can turn to drinking. The narcissist will happily exaggerate, to those close, the narcissist’s version of events look believable because the narcissist will completely miss out on the part they played, they never explain how they provoke people, the narcissist will only ever discuss how you reacted, and most victims blame themselves in the beginning, and a conversation would usually begin with “If I hadn’t they wouldn’t.” A Narcissist only wants to discuss what you did wrong. They might say you have a gambling issue, going to the bookies. If you like the odd bet, they’ll exaggerate as to how you’ve blown all their money. If you’ve gained a little weight, they’ll blame it on your addiction to take away food, as they have already told people that you’re no longer taking care of them, the children, or the home, long before the relationship is over, and often with anxiety, depression and CPTSD, you might be struggling, the narcissist will not tell people how they helped you struggle, only how they tried their best but had to walk away, often the narcissist will have walked straight into the arms, home and family life of another, playing the victim of how you didn’t care for them, are jealous of their the new relationship, will not allow them to see the children, even though they’ve not even bothered to ask how those children are, and while your left picking up those pieces for the children, the narcissist will happily start court proceedings so that they can continue their smear campaign and abuse through the family courts.
2. Money, they will tell people they worked hard every single day to provide for the family, that they had to leave the home they own for the sake of the children having a roof over their heads. Only the narcissist never owned that home. Just like they’ll inform the new supply after you, they owned yours. Yet, the narcissist will claim they did the right thing by you leaving you there. Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist needing somewhere to live. If the narcissist owns the home, they’ll do all they can to get you out of it while lying to others about how you’re a gold digger and how you spent all their money. Anything you were lucky enough to buy, the narcissist will claim they did. The narcissist will either not work and sponge off you while twisting the story to those around them, asking for you not to work, barely giving you enough money to survive or financial abuse you. Again if you’ve been with a narcissist, you probably already know they try to bleed you dry.
3. The narcissist will tell people that you’re crazy, that something is wrong with you. They might say things like. “they’ve got mental issues. I’ve tried to help, but they’ll not listen. I don’t know what else to do.” Yet again, they entirely miss out on what they’ve done to drive you that way and are indeed talking about themselves. They will happily discuss the times you’ve reacted. Some will even get you in to see the doctors or councillors claiming to help, while it’s all supporting their smear campaign against you. Once you wake from all the narcissist’s hideous gaslighting, the more you try to point out to those people the narcissist has already got their version of events across to that it’s them and not you, the crazier you look. Let’s face it, and it’s hard enough for us that have lived it to wrap our heads around, so those who haven’t have the narcissist lies that we once fell for. If we don’t get our emotions in check, which as narcissistic abuse can cause brain damage is difficult to start, those people also have our behaviour which is why staying out of the smear campaigns is your best line of defence. It’s difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves and set the story straight, yet with the narcissist’s manipulation of others, when we do, our actions often match their words. When we don’t, their words are just smoke without the fire. Sometimes no response is the best response, and people don’t always like this as they feel staying silent turns them into narcissistic behaviour. Always treat people how you want to be treated, then if they can not treat you that way in return, communicate with them the only way they understand, the way they do you, silence or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” They do these things to hurt people. We do them to heal ourselves from all the abuse they put us through.
4. They’ll talk to anyone who will listen, and the lies those narcissists tell are their truths. The narcissist will make up stuff you’ve said about them behind their back, Triangulation, divide and conquer. If you’ve been with a narcissist, you know they are incredibly jealous and envious of all others and happily talk about them behind their backs. Again they are often describing themselves, their thoughts and their feelings. What people say about others says more about themselves than it ever will that other person.
5. They will happily twist the story, and their story will be their truth. They will claim you cheated on them. You lied to them. You hurt them. You abused them. You stole from them. You never helped them, you don’t give them any love or affection, how they’ve tried time and time again to keep the family together. As they believe they are special and requires excessive attention, even when you’re walking on eggshells doing all you can for them, it’s never enough. As they want power and success and they want to be in control, if they feel they are losing control of you, they will go all out to blame you. As they lack cognitive reflection skills, their lies often become their truths.
6. They will tell others that all they did to you, you did too them, that you’re abusive, they will tell people how badly you treated them, not letting them have any money, not letting them have their say, not letting them go out with friends, always stalking their phone, ( which you may have done if you suspected they were cheating.) not looking after the home or children correctly. ( which might have happened to some who end up with anxiety and depression due to the narcissist’s manipulation and gaslighting.) Not showing any affection to them. Locking them out of the house ( which you may have done out of fear.) They will give a long list while making out how good they were putting up with you. Not letting them see the children ( which might be the case if safeguarding is too great.) They will either tell you all the things that they did to you yet twist the fact you did it to them, or they’ll tell how you reacted while missing out on the part of what they did in the first place to cause your reactions.
You can not stop them before they begin as you’ve not worked out what they are or what they are doing.
What can you do now?
1. The best response is to ignore it all, it’s hard when everyone seems to be talking about you, and the narcissist wants your reaction to help with their lies. By giving no reaction, people soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you react, as you may appear to look crazy and match the narcissist’s slanderous words. Rise above and heal yourself. The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating the same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.
2. Any evidence you have, videos, messages, or third-party witnesses, show those you’ve been smeared too, especially in the workplace and, if possible, in front of the narcissist, as no one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do. Or if the narcissist is lying about things you or someone else has said, if possible, ask the narcissist about this in a safe environment with all parties involved in the triangulation present, but let people make their own minds up. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to explain and defend ourselves. The narcissist will have forced their opinion on them without actual evidence, and you can show them and let them make their own minds up.
3. If people ask you, remember often they just want to get gossip, just say. ”yes, they’re my past. I’m looking towards my future now.” “Yes, they always liked to control how people think. I know they tell lies. I’m not interested in listening to or defending myself. The truth will go out one day,” this will stop them from spreading more gossip. You could add if they are, “the police are looking into it.” Or the ”wow, this is fascinating, almost movie-like, I’m on the edge of my seat, please tell me what I did next.” Gossips usually get confused by this response, as they are looking for more gossip from you. Do not defend yourself to others. It doesn’t work; the narcissist gets in there first. People asking questions are only interested in more gossip. Instead, concentrate on helping yourself heal. They will always carry on being a narcissist and not change. Yet people will see how much happier you are without them, and they will then make their own judgment call. Keep your mind focused on your life, the things you can sort out, the things you can do, and the things you can help yourself with. Keep your mind on your future, not your past. With some of those narcissist games and lies, try to find the funny side and laugh it off. Others talk to people who understand and support and call authorities.
4. If you need support, only talk to the really good friends you trust. Or online help to recover. Do not talk about it to those who believe the narcissist lies. Who’s blaming you and believing them? You know better than anybody how well a narcissist can lie and manipulate. So don’t hate them. They’ve just been used by the narcissist. Unfortunately, they will learn in their own time just how toxic the narcissist is, and we can not show them. People do have to learn for themselves.
5. Remember, Learning to stop emotionally reacting to the narcissist, do not let them know it’s bothering you, hard yes, but narcissistic people thrive off attention; if they’re getting no reaction, they may switch tactics. The less you play their games, especially in the smear campaign, the less you play into their hands, the less they have to twist and use against you and the more they will look to find attention elsewhere.
6. The best response is to ignore it all, it’s hard when everyone seems to be talking about you, and the narcissist wants your reaction to help with their lies. By giving no reaction, people soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you react, as you may appear to look crazy and match the narcissist’s slanderous words. Rise above and heal yourself.
7. Remember, you can not control what the narcissist does. You can not control what the narcissist flying monkeys think of you. Just work on talking to yourself kindly. Those who judge have their own insecurities, and those who cling to gossip have their own faults, don’t blame the flying monkeys. Most are unwittingly under the narcissist’s spell, with the narcissist’s poison infecting them like a virus. They are being manipulated just like you once were, do not judge them, just leave them be.
The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating their same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.
How narcissists bait you into the smear campaign.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
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I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence! I saved me on July 6,2015. I was abused Emotionally, Mentally, Verbally, Sexually, Financially. Not abused physically. We have 2 boys together. Narc is currently in Federal Prison. He got himself in a drug cartel. Even though I’ve not had any communication with him, I was dreading filing for divorce. Because I knew it would open another can of worms. So this is where I am on my journey of healing, going thru a divorce with a Narc is not fun. He has tried to smear me still via his denial letter to the judge.
He has ruined me for life, and I’ve made a choice that I will never date again. I’m 47 and I’ve been raising my boys alone with no help. I will continue on my journey solo.
My goal is to write a memoir and I just know it’d be a best seller.
I will be starting counseling again in 2020.
Get that memoir written, it will help so many. 🙌
I myself I’m currently going through a custody battle a divorce with a narcissus. I understand and feel where you’re coming from I most definitely I would like to do the same right Ain tell all my life when I went through with the narcissist abuse and how he turn the tables on me
roflol I had 3 come at me at 9ne time, even gang up. I’m still laughing because every ploy they used was so predictable. good riddance. all I know is none of the 3 are happy and never were. karma is an amazing thing. every failed attempt ended with karma biting them hard. ive moved on and did so before any of them ever really started. best revenge is always being successful. i let the gossips come and go just long enough to give me updates they volunteer in their weak attempts. good part about that is hearing how poorly they’re doing and they are. there’s comfort in that. everything that was attempted has backfired, because I never let them get to me, enable me. it all started with an accusation, which immediately alerted me to pay attention and I quickly found out they were projecting. i know I did not cheat so instantly onew where this was going. ironically, we were together 24/7 on a 3 month road trip during which we were never apart more than 18 8nches. yet, i cheated. except one night when I’d been falsely arrested, which led to charges being dropped I could still smell her sex the next day and from her story about having met a friendly stranger who put her up that night it didn’t take a genius to figure out how he was paid. lol, within 3 weeks she was put out by me. i really don’t have time for that nonsense. that’s when shortly after the other 2 became 8nvolved, yes coordinated by her. interest8ngly, all 3 have had years of therapy and were prescribed psychotropic. 2 suicidal, all suffer8ng anxiety and depression and QUICK to call all their past relationships as having been narcissists. what they didn’t know is I knew the men, all successful and happy, good men. oops. like I said, hilarious. it was a little rough deal8ng with them, but I shut them down and locked them out to just move forward. I’m not a victim. lol, I am too secure 8n myself and can’t be manipulated. call out BS mercilessly. Next! roflol
Elizabeth, Thank you for writing this article. I am my husband’s 4th wife and he recently filed for divorce. There were so many days that I had anxiety attacks because he would make impulsive, life altering decisions that didn’t make sense. I never knew what mood he’d be in so I walked on eggshells most of the time. For 3 years I walked him through the most rudimentary emotional and life tasks that he doesn’t seem to have the skill set to manage. I very kindly and patiently “talked him down” from situations. There were times he get so angry and yell at me in the most visceral, condemning ways.
When we met, I thought he was the nicest man I’d ever met and that his other three wives were silly for mistreating this super nice man. I decided I was going to love him, and I did. But sometimes he would be very rude to service people or go off about some perceived slight he’d gotten. He is very judgmental and irreverent and would say the most bizarre things to me. When I was drained, I begged him to give me space to heal and promised I’d be back if I could only focus on healing my nervous system and focusing on my work because he had been fired from 3 jobs (once for being viscerally hostile and aggressive with his female boss) and I was trying to find some semblance of stability.
Once I started asking for a break and not feeding his chaos and turmoil, he told me he wanted a divorce. Then he would tell me the next day he loved me and to have a good day before kissing me and going to work. He accused me of making my daughter’s boyfriend who was 20, the man of the house because I asked him to change a battery in the smoke detector upstairs bc it was beeping. It was something weird like that all the time and I had no idea.
When I stopped engaging, he met someone else and filed for divorce and had my kids and I removed from the home that was his before we met. I kept asking him how he was treating me like a transaction and had no empathy for what he was putting me through he said it’s just business.
Before he filed, we agreed to go to counseling then the following weekend he told his family all kinds of trash about me and said he’s divorcing me.
Since the first week we married, I’ve felt like I live with a toddler who’s constantly tugging on my pants leg for attention and support, but he couldn’t really give back emotional support. When I moved out, I was still in shock at his treatment of me. I’m an empath so I started doing personality tests and trying to figure out what I should’ve been didn’t see.
He’s happily moved on and has absolutely no regard for the deep pain I’m in. After he filed for divorce, we were at a bank and he coldly introduced me at the woman he’s divorcing. He’s done weird, unfeeling things like this before and I found it jarring, but I never understood that I was living with a narcissist until I started trying to untangle my feelings and work through what happened.
This article and others are like a book written about my life with him. I could never get my balance because I was always so enmeshed in trying to help him. I had to tell him, always being focused on your problems (when it became apparent he would always have something to deal with even if he created it) leaves me without the emotional energy I need to take care of myself.
I am grateful to be getting a better understanding of what I went through and I’m still working to heal.
This has more of a BPD Ring to it than just narcissistic Personality Disorder. Either way I’m sorry to hear what you and your children have been through. It’s incredibly hard to live through and heal from and it sounds like you’re getting the help you need and going forward can help your children recover as well.
BPD and NPD are often misdiagnosed as they have similar characteristics.
My current husband looses his mind over something being out of place, then he goes into describing how lazy I am, how I must not care about him or his needs or how he likes things to be. This last time was last night. I always cook dinner when I get home from work, I try to make as little mess as possible because he cleans up after dinner. Tonight, I had to run to the bathroom after dinner, as I have anxiety caused constipation, and when I came out of the bathroom, he was happily cleaning the kitchen. I sat down at our breakfast nook and chatted happily with him. As he cleaned his last dish he placed the dish rag across the sink and turned to the opposite side of the kitchen and noticed he had overlooked a pot lid. He immediately changed into this horrible angry man and started banging on the counter and asking me why I didn’t see it there and why I didn’t help him by bringing all the dishes over to his side of the sink.
Then he went and got my 13 year old son from his bedroom and sat us both down in the breakfast nook area. He proceeded to yell at us and blame us for him missing the dish and told us from now on if he missed another dish because we were too lazy to bring all the dirty dishes to him after dinner then he would throw them all away and never buy new ones!
We say there in horror as he told us how lazy we were and how we obviously didn’t care that he had to clean the kitchen for 30 minutes, and we never offer to help him!
I slept in another room last night because after that he pulled me into our bedroom and told me how I never am attracted to him anymore, I never agree with him anymore, and I always do what I want regardless of how it makes him feel, like leaving a cup on the table and not putting it in the dishwasher when I am done with it!
I don’t know if he is narcissistic, but if things don’t go according to how he wants them to go then this happens. About once every couple weeks. It always ends in me crying myself to sleep and feeling like the worst wife ever.
Get out and take your son with you. Whatever you call his condition it is damaging and dangerous to you and will continuously traumatize your child. Better to get out now. Find an organization to help you make a break to a new environment.
Mine is almost identical to this story! Im always lazy no matter what i do he tells me go sit down and take a brake for a minute an hell sit down or get occupied on something random but never stops moving hardly so as soon as he gets up im supposed to automatically know to jump up right when he does and have everything done a SPECIFIC RIGHT WAY as he says.. And anything I do is never done the right way he will ask ppl for help and they will bust their but and get so much done because he wants it all done when he wants it all done but its never good enough to him and says everyone jus half asses everything in life and theres a right way to do anything no matter how perfect its done he still has to at least touch it or move it barely an inch and sometimes even thinks that he has just done so much all day long and ran circles around everyone else while we just stood there and did nothing or hell say well yeah yall did the bare minimum I couldve had this done and done the right way myself Idk why I even ask ppl for help and hell say noone cares to take care of his stuff after they have spent their whole day and gas money to drive to the house work all day with him telling everyone what to do and controlling everyones every move!! While he does nothing hardly at all but give orders and tell everyone their doing something wrong and make them get out of the way once its basically finished and theyve done all of the real work hell jump in claiming hes showing us the best or right way he contradicts himself so much its hard to explain his behavior.. but like she said with the dishes, he was the worst about dishes!!! Our sink was outside where i would have to wash the dishes etc. So I was trying to get to the dishes and knock them out before it got dark and couldnt see to wash them PERFECTLY.. well this day was one of his calm days or mellow I guess because he wasnt needing something every 2 seconds and me haviing to stop everything and cater to him or talking my head off or being my shadow anyways I start washing the dishes and he waits until I am just about done which he knows I hate to start something and not finish it, to start hollering for me wanting me to stop doing everything for the day and we were going to lay down snuggle and watch a movie or two and go to sleep thats what he wanted but he hardly ever slept and I assume just couldnt realize that im not like him i cant stay up with no sleep and still have all the energy in the world I am human i need my sleep! He always woke me up every time he thought I was asleep before him or without him he was not allowing me to sleep so I would have to rub his back or hair for however long until he fell asleep and then Id be able to as long as I never moved or got up hed stay asleep but only 4-6 hours and that was on a good day, as soon as he woke up once he had his privacy or done whatever he wanted to by himself he would start making really loud noises or doing stuff in the room beside me trying to wake me up instead of just waking me up in a normal way hed rather start in the living room and hammer a nail into the wall and never even use it, and start working his way closer to me getting louder and louder and normally if he does let me sleep he makes sure hes super loud and decides to stay up all night an have the radio or tv blaring or have ppl over etc. needless to say im used to sleeping through loud noises until he gets almost irate that it wouldnt wake me up so hed start slinging stuff toward me or slamming stuff on the floor or table near me cussing hollering my name an when id open my eyes He expected me to jump up and start slaving before i even realized what was happening like one time I could hardly wake up and keep my eyes open from NO sleep he was yelling standing over me and pacing back an forth while picking random stuff up till his hands were full an started dropping stuff so that pissed him off because I wasnt awake already and picked up his mess and organized everything so he wouldnt have to clean and drop shit so hed start kicking the stuff or sling it break stuff anyway I opened my eyes an was trying to rub them to wake up and hes cussing hollering do you not get it WAKE UUUUP! and even with my eyes open me moving and simply saying I am awake please stop hollering WAKE UP!!! he says well youre not up your still just laying there like you dont have anything to do and how all i do is sleep and want to lay down on him when it really matters and he really needs me the most to give it my all around the house jus for one day and get everything how it needs to be in order for him to be comfortable and be able to relax and lay down or sit down and rest hed say do you see me ever getting to be lazy and just sleep on you all the time and how hes put his all into me to get nothing back cuz i dont respect him enough or i dont find him worth it to give him what he gives me n it would be nice if I would at least try to meet him half way but I cant even do that and how so many other women would love to do the things that I wont do or he has to hold my hand or pull me along in life and how he could do better on his own an that a stranger dope whore or somebody that he aint even sleeping with would come over there and run circles around me and have everything done so fast and right and they wouldnt half ass it or cut him short like I do and everyone else has done him his whole life and he could just pay a dope hoe to come clean his house for him or wash the dishes.. hed go on and on Id have to walk away or jump up and start doing something real fast jus to try to get away from him for a second it was almost impossible to please him or make him shut up once he started So the next morning there was a specific dish he decides he absolutely needed and couldnt use anything else he needed that one just because he knew it was dirty because he made me stop washing them so he goes out there still cussing raising his voice saying hateful things and slings the sink across the yard and all the dishes and said since him and his stuff wasnt good enough to take care of or he wasnt enough for me to wash his dishes and i didnt value or appreciate enough to even make sure his dishes were washed so he was gonna treat my stuff the same way and get all of my clothes and throw them out there and smear them in the dirty dishes an then maybe id finally see or that would make me understand.. sorry I know I jus wrote a quarter of my book but I just got away a couple of days ago and found out the next day hes in jail. Its all fresh and I have noone to talk to and Im just thinking back on how many times Ive left and went back hed always manage to find a way to get me back there whether he tricked me threatened me apologized and all the promises to change he had complete control over me and still does I know the only reason I am not right back over there with him is because God knew that so he made it impossible an locked him up I am so confused and cant believe the way he was ok with treating me!! Like i was and am jus a game to him and only kept me around to be his slave and love him and he does not want me to even speak unless its about him or lifting him up in some way he will flip out and interrupt me start screaming shut up over n over and he always says he already knew what i was going to say and it was stupid etc. So theres no reason for me to talk bout it yet I am aloud to have feelings and he is listening and wont interrupt me just as long as they arent stupid or petty and says well if your feelings are wrong than its bull shit and I dont want to hear it and I already know how you feel and what you were saying i said no u dont how could you know if you want even let me finish one sentence!? So he says well fuck it say what you were gonna say I try again an he interrupts me purposely shaking his head real hard tried to put his finger over my mouth so I couldnt finish like a kid and proceeds to tell me how he thinks I feel or what he assumed I was gonna say and I jus said forget it I dont even want to open up to someone like you or give you anymore of me cuz thats what im trying to do and youre basically telling me Im only allowed to talk if its what u want to hear and I jus need to shut up and you tell me how I feel
You literally just repeated verbatim my life….. I can assure you every few weeks will turn into weekly then daily then constantly your cry daily, become a shell of a human all to find out he’s been cheating….. but he’s the one that loves you….he just wishes you loved him 😖
Our family is dysfunctional at best. Us four siblings have enough baggage that we shouldn’t need any outside help. Enter the narcissistic baby brother. Cruel, calculating and so devoid of empathy that he laughs at funerals. The blessing is, he lives 1700 miles away. A once or twice a year encounter is enough for the whole family. He is not mentioned at family gatherings the rest of the year.. When he does come home, we may see him for a total 1 or 2 days out of a 10 day visit. The rest of the time he is with his old friends spreading rumors ( people we deal with on a daily basis.). Not only did my anxiety go through the roof on these visits but the fallout afterwards affected members of my family long after he left. Try as I might, I can ignore my brother to a point but his visits were taking a toll on me. I don’t dance to his tune or react to him anymore but cringe at the that ill wind that blows through afterwards. This past year, I had had enough.. I went on vacation while he was here. It worked. People would say, you missed your brother when he was in town. My reply..Yes, I heard, I wish he had told me he was coming. Touche`. Every relationship he has been in has ended badly. His trail of damage is wide. He burns bridges for fun. Narcissistic people suck.
100% agree with this. I went through all of this and in the end I needed to see somebody. Went through 6 months of hell to get myself back so the sooner you realise the better but sometimes it’s very hard to see what’s happening in front of you.
Best advice is the ignoring it all as 2 1/2 years on it all came out like you say it does.
I read this article last night because my boyfriend posted it on Facebook. About a year ago a mutual friend said I was a narcissist victim. My boyfriend had pushed me and tackled me to the ground screaming so I hid to protect my self in a closet. He called 911 and I was baker acted. Of course the story he told was he was afraid I was going to kill myself. I was released in 24 hours because the physicist after talking to my son and mother felt I wasn’t a threat to my self or anyone else. Our mutal friends at the time took his side. I kicked him out and within 2 months allowed him back.
Every day he tells me what I have done wrong…..Lectures me. He calls me out for every little thing. Some true but some so far fetched that I don’t know were it comes from. I just sit and take it. If I call him out on anything he calls me a narcissist and gets intensely angry. So much so that I fear for my safety. But yet again, he says I say that for the attention because I am a narcissist. I don’t tell anyone how bad it is. I don’t talk to anyone anymore because when we make plans to do something with friends we inability get into some kind of fight that he blames on my anxiety. Sure I have anexity. I live in constant fear of how he will react to anything.
My sons see how he talks. Everything that happens is someone else’s fault. But the article he posted was for me. Am I the narcissist? Am I the crazy one? i read the article and I see him. But that friend…..she said I was the one.
I been to counseling this past year. It was more of a place to just talk about my feelings.
I am now more confused . If I am the narcissist, that’s not who I want to be. I don’t know anymore.
Usually the person asking if they are the narcissist, are not the narcissist, we all have a narcissistic trait or two and most often this is healthy narcissism, like being confident, yet not feeling superior to others.
If you have empathy and care for others you are not a narcissist, these video explains more .
https://youtu.be/k61h75ts99g
What Is Not a narcissist.
https://youtu.be/8jpQUWy8IWg
Maybe your friend meant that you are the victim of the narcissist
My husbands exwife is currently conducting a smear campaign against me… unfortunately over the past 3 years i have reacted to her abuse. but my husband deleted all the emails and messages of abuse she sent to me via him… she never responds to me… So when i did finally had enough and reacted i look the crazy one… Shes an excop and a lawyer and now she says she is taking out a violence order against me and has made police statements… All because she hates seeing my husband and I happy living our lives.. how on earth do you fight agianst this???
It’s normal to want to defend ourselves, that’s in the past now, your husband and yourself are happy, leave her to it.
Most people react at some point, does your reaction in any way show what you reacted to? If she gets an order she gets an order, anything you or your husband receive from her, from now on just save and leave her two it.
She’s playing a part in your lives and getting your attention, no longer play her games, think of it as she’s no longer welcome in your marriage and the only way to cut her out, is to stop responding.
I am 57 years old. I dated a girl in high school and then up and joined the marine corp, leaving her behind. After 36 years she friend request me on Facebook i didn’t respond at first and after 2 weeks or so i responded…bad move…lol. Anyway i flew her in from New York, where she was visiting her daughter. We hit it off pertty good. I had gotten married when i got out of the marines ..no kids.. And divorced 1 year later.. She never got married but had a daughter. After about 3 months we drove to Fla and got her belongings and dog. After we got back to Memphis where i lived. It didn’t take long for things to start happening.. She got very abusive.. She went to jail 3 times for 3rd degree batt. On me. Once which includes stabbing me which she sweres up and down she didn’t do it. Went to jail and wes released after 30 days with fine and probation… I still hadn’t learned… Then she went back to jail fo possession of meth. Got out again on probation and fine. Im have a tumor on my brain now and is inoperable. I have since noticed things comming up missing. And she sweres to God she knowes nothing of these things,but we are the only two in the house… She can not keep a job due to her opioid addiction. She steal my pain meds and claims she has rheumatoid arthritis. So she gets her own pain killers .. Not to mention adderal and between the two she has lost her mind has become very narcissistic and tries to turn everything around like it is my fault and I’ve done it and swear it on Bibles that is not her I have tried to get out of this relation but I cannot seem to get away and get my own place because of financial situations. She will stay up for three to four days at a time and then down for 2 days backup and at it again eating pain meds and snorting crystal methamphetamine and smoking it also. she has recently started staying out for 2 days at a time, then coming home raising hell and passing out after a while. Help me please with some advice what do I do ???
I’ll say this.I married one.Never knew about narcissist until his real self came out more ..,They become this wolf in sheep’s clothing….abusing those who love them ….nice to others….they’ll do anything to not have their fake I’d exposed…..They are great manipulators and liars.If you’re with one please find away out!It means your life.Mine would abuse me many ways and then tell others I had a meltdown.They will exploit your emotional vulnerability…and feed on like a hungry wolf on the hunt…..They may even claim to love God….while infa t they are evil spawns of Satan.If you want to live,find away out asap!They will infactdrain you dry of even your humanity!Pray and God will help you but you have to take the first step…..Disconnect from their lifeline or they’ll keep feeding on you…..They might say you need to pray….while indeed they just prey…..mNomatter how much you love them it will never be enough!They cannot love ,they just need….you to feed their sickness.,their ego.Get out!Find help,stay out and work on healing.You can do it!I did!and even then he hoovered me……but I didn’t cave….I ignored….I’m out and alive! And I know I am loved….by God and Jesus my Lord and Savior!Amen!This is serious people.They will eat you up alive!and never think once about spitting you out!Thank You God for delivering me and my son who is a good person with special needs.Amen.
My husband is a narcissist I’ve been through everything you talked about and I finally decide to leave I have two children and it’s sad because they going to lose their dad he never help me always abuse me physically mentally and emotionally and he’s money hungry he’s controlling don’t want me to have friends I can’t go nowhere can’t wear certain things always putting blame on me he cheat he lies he’s a womanizer everything is always my fault He tell my family and friends telling them I’m crazy telling them i spin up all the money when he don’t give me money if he do its only a couple of Dollars very cheap don’t help with bills the kids he just want my money how I don’t love him all type of crazy things how I don’t show him know attention u name it he will blame it
I was married to an abuser. I married my high school sweetheart who I dated 3 years. I married Dr Jeckle and woke up with Mr. Hyde! I was 18 and was sheltered and loved by my family. I went to Germany to be with him when he was in the army. I was in shock! He was not there to meet me at airport! Finally, another soldier helped get a call through to him and he flew to get me. He claimed the airlines got schedule wrong, and me of course. I was cursed at, yelled at, best all over with his fists, kicked in stomach when almost ready to have our little girl. I’d be laying on floor couldn’t get up! He took my check from work, signed my name and spent it. I worked, made more than he did, got a beating if I bought hairspray or pantyhose for work, or Pampers for our baby, I had to wash and dry diapers. I had to cook dinner from scratch every
Night. I could not say anything he agreed with me about. He became more demanding every day. My life was exactly like the book Behind Closed Doors! I finally had enough! I got to the point I hated him for all of it! He would not even let me be a person. I felt like property. I finally called my mom and dad and after five years, I left him and I and our daughter went to live with my parents! I divorced him and found myself! They never change!! Get out before he kills you and children! Never look back!!!
I need people opinion. My story was just a bit different. My narcissists was my long time girlfriends mother. Every trait that was named in the YouTube video is what she did me. In the beginning of my relationship with her daughter I wasn’t the best at tending to her emotional needs but I always been the best partner. After 2 years, we had our daughter and I completely changed. Stoped hanging out. Started bringing all the money to her and paying attention to her needs. 1 year later we had a son and I really buckled down. Now I tell her she’s beautiful everyday and anytime we get a chance with no children, I want to do anything with her. Last year her mother moved in with us to “Help”. I didn’t notice the signs in the beginning. I get off work and she is underneath the blanket with my lady in our bed. Or randomly my ex would burst in the room highly upset about something she would only know if her mom told her. They begin opening my mail (my ex and I never did that) and she would say get upset about a bill that doesn’t concern her. Anyway, months go by of me depositing my entire paycheck into my ex acct: so we can grow together and she was much better with budgeting. My ex decides to leave me for the weekend with kids while she doesn’t tell me where she is at. She did this twice so I left. When I asked to see the budget because I knew we were caught up, she would try to lie so she can keep funneling my money to her and her mom. She realized that I was catching on and that’s when I realized that they were setting up the smear campaign. By the time I realized, my ex was so far brainwashed that she didn’t trust me and all I did was love her. When I showed her facts that her mom was controlling because she is retired with a bottomless purse, she accused me of trying to manipulate the situation. I just knew where my heart was at. Well I left and I every time i bring facts, they run away and don’t speak to me because they can’t handle the fact that I caught on and left. There is soooo much more to the story. I would love to tell if anyone is interested. Work on yourself before you help others reach their goals.
The worst kind of narcissists are the ones that that are able to with draw into their shell and hide for endless periods of time. Though experts may say this is impossible I can assure you it is not, I myself am an inactive narcissist.
We put our labels on things and if all the ingredients or symptoms are not there we simply pick another label that is close. Put a flame to plastic explosives and it will burn like a candle but change the situation just slightly and you get a massive explosion.
I have been in therapy and treatment several times over the years but I am just too nice of person to get diagnosed as a narcissist its not that I am good at hiding it, I just know that it is there and keep it in check. I actually enjoy helping people but avoid friendships and especially relationships. I cant tell you what created me or how to spot fellow whatever-es because if we don’t want you to know you never will.
I have a photographic Memory (not like on TV) my memory contains photos only no numbers no lists there is video with sound smell and taste and I recall every thing clear back to circumcision and pree birth. I have to sort of completely separate from reality to thoroughly explore , a bit like meditation but think its ridiculous when people refer to deep thought as being meditation .
I was a bit of a savant as a child but knew to keep this a secret but slipped up a few times like when I tried to convince my 1st grade teacher I could read but not write. she took me to the Principals office where I picked a magazine up off his desk and read an article about JFK’s assassination better than a radio announcer.
I can tell you for fact that a gay male is born gay and nothing can change that.
I came out of all this able to relate to a scientist and a cereal killer I am of no threat to anyone out side of my own mind and able to tell you if you find any one abusive to another human being leave and warn every one there is no rehabilitation only a dorm-ate stage .
my cousin is showing sympthoms of either this disorder or alsheimers or maybe brain tumor. her personality can change overnight bringing accusations against you accusing nasty remarks the next say perfectly normal.. everyone else is wrong but her.. Retired Police Officer in 2 states something is going on.
Elizabeth Shaw, your doing an absolutely amazing Job here getting all this absolutely valuable (much needed) information out there. The whole of Society Needs to be informed about this MENTAL ILLNESS, I’m not one for labelling people, because it shames, embarrasses, and holds people back in life, and the label usually hurts THAT PERSON,
But when it comes to NARCISSISTS, this label needs to be as BIG AS POSSIBLE, in order to protect other innocent unsuspecting people. This is a really TOXIC DANGEROUS DISORDER. And people NEED PROTECTION. It really should be tough in all the high schools. As a life enhancing subject.
Keep up your fantastic work Elizabeth, your presence on the phone’s platform is fantastic too. It’s what social media needs
Best wishes Colin Michael Carmon
Of Morecambe Lancashire (uk)