The Narcissist And Their Smear Campaign Against You.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.

If you are being smeared by the narcissist, what they do, and how you can help yourself.

The smear campaign is used, so the narcissist can keep their false self hidden, so you’re the crazy one, the trouble maker and you’re the abuser, everything they did to you, they’ll make out you did to them. So they can walk free, from any responsibility.

It’s a method they use so they can get their reality in first. They usually start this before the relationship is even over, and you will most likely have no idea it’s happening. You might find out from someone around you. The narcissist might have also told someone you know things that the narcissist knows will inform you. So they can watch you react. Possibly the first you’ll know about the smear campaign is if you decide to stand up for yourself and try to tell someone who they really are. Or when you have escaped.

You may get blank looks, or shaking heads of disbelief from others, and this is horrible when you really need someone’s help.

Some types of smears campaigns they use are.

1. You are the abuser, and they will tell people how cruel you are to them, either not letting them have their say, not letting them go out with friends, always stalking their phone, ( which you may have done if you suspected they were cheating.) not looking after the home or children correctly. ( which might have happened to some who end up with anxiety and depression due to the narcissists manipulation and gaslighting.) Not showing any affection to them. Locking them out of the house, ( which you may have done out of fear.) to pouring freezing cold water over them while in the bath, pretending it’s a joke. They will give a long list while making out how good they were putting up with you. They will either tell all the things that they did to you, yet twist the fact you did it to them, or they’ll tell how you reacted while missing out the part of what they did in the first place to cause your reactions.

2. Money, they will tell people they work hard every day to earn money, while you sit spending all their money. If you saved carefully for six months to buy yourself a new coat, they would tell people that you’ve blown their money again. Again if you’ve been with a narcissist you probably already know they try to bleed you dry. I shall add financial abuse at the end.

They will say you’re a leach and a freeloader.

3. The narcissist will tell people that you’re crazy, that something is wrong with you, but they need a formal diagnosis, they might say things like. “they’ve got mental issues. I’ve tried to help, but they’ll not listen. I don’t know what else to do.” Yet again, they entirely miss out what they’ve done to you, and are indeed talking about themselves. The more you try to point out it’s them and not you, the crazier you look, which is why staying out of the smear campaigns is your best defence, it’s difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves and set the story straight, yet with the narcissist’s manipulation of others when we do, our actions often match their words, when we don’t their words are just smoke without the fire.

4. They’ll talk to anyone who will listen, and the narcissist will make up stuff you’ve said about them behind their back, Triangulation, divide and conquer. If you’ve been with a narcissist you know, they are envious of all others and happily talk about them behind their backs. Again they are often describing themselves.

5. They will make out, you don’t give them any love or affection, that you have been cheating on them, they’ve tried time and time again to provide you with a second chance. They will tell people who gossip first to spread it further. They are twisting the story to play the victim and gain attention in any way they can. Yet this is what the narcissist actually did to you.

6. They might say you have an online gambling issue, going to the bookies. If you drink now and again they’ll tell people you’re an alcoholic, if you’ve gained a little weight, they’ll blame it on your addiction to take away food, as they have already told people that you’re no longer taking care of the house, this in people’s minds makes them jump to the wrong conclusions.

The smear campaign is the narcissist’s protection as they say to others what you’ve been doing to them, which indeed is most often precisely what they did to you.

They will tell people what they did but saying it was you, it’s very believable as they know what to say and all the ins and outs, and they are compelling to listen to.

You can not stop them before they begin as you’ve not worked out what they are or what they are doing.

What can you do now?

1. Learning to stop emotionally reacting to the narcissist, do not let them know it’s bothering you, hard yes, but if they’re getting no reaction, they may switch tactics.

2. If people approach you, to get gossip, just say “ I know they’ve told lies, I’m not interested in listening or defending myself, the truth will out one day” this will stop them from spreading more gossip. You could add “the police is looking into it.” Or the ”wow this is fascinating almost movie-like, I’m on the edge of my seat, please tell me what I did next.” Gossips usually get confused by this response, as they are looking for more gossip from you.

3 Do not defend yourself to others. It doesn’t work; the narcissist gets in there first. People asking questions are only interested in more gossip. Instead, concentrate on helping yourself heal. They will always carry on being a narcissist and not change. Yet people will see how much happier you are without them, and they will then make their own judgment call.

4. If you need support, only talk to the really good friends you trust. Or online help, to recover. Do not talk about it to those who believe the narcissist lies. Who’s blaming you and believing them, you know better than anybody, how well a narcissist can lie and manipulate. So don’t hate them, they’ve just been used, by the narcissist. Unfortunately, they will learn in their own time just how toxic the narcissist is, and we can not show them, people do have to learn for themselves.

6. Any evidence you have, videos, messages, third-party witness, show those you’ve been smeared too, but let them make their own minds up. The narcissist will have forced their opinion on them without actual evidence, and you can show them and let them make their own minds up.

7. Remember, the less you engage in the smear campaign, the less you engage with the narcissist, the more they will look to find attention elsewhere.

8. The best response is to ignore it all, third party’s that have been told soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you’re at your lowest point, as you may look crazy, rise above heal yourself. The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating their same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.

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Video for triangulation.

Financial abuse.

Video for more information on smear campaigns.

104 thoughts on “The Narcissist And Their Smear Campaign Against You.

  1. Hi I’m blown away a bit ab how true these words are. My person beat the crap out of me and pulled out a weapon on me, and I took pics and video of the damage. This happened at a surprise wkend get away in mountains, he had been drinking aswell. My question is,… he left me stranded in a diff State and I saw him once more to swap our personal things bk. We broke up! But he left me in the relationship. Weird to say. What I mean is that he left me b4 I cld end things. So I’m struggling with alone mostly. And now saying how I am nothing to him and I’m crazy nuts. How I need in a place where I can color w my toes. How do I handle this? I lost my husband 3.5 yrs ago and this was my 1st person. I feel abandoned. I am a firefighter/medic and former military woman. Stronge, so I know better so to speak. Why am I struggling privately ab hin leaving me? I shld be grateful I’m alive. RIGHT? I’m pretty sure this is still Abuse of some kind. Then I’m Stubborn as crap and an Aries so I must prove myself and my point! I’ve been that since childhood. It’s my Integrity! It’s very import to me. It’s what I live by daily… How do I fix me? My thought process? Thanks in advance.

    1. Hello Jodi, they pull in the strongest of people with their manipulative mind games, and many fool psychologists. You are far from alone in being independent, strong and wise, yet still getting manipulated by these people. It’s nothing you did, just kind, caring loving people that want to see the good in others. It is normal to feel how you do when they are the ones to end it. You are already looking for what you can be grateful for so you as many have the strength of character to move past this experience. Being passionate and wanting others to understand your point of view even if they don’t agree is healthy, keep those boundaries.

      This video should help on your thought process.

      https://youtu.be/K8ZrQ8d3i6s

    2. Jodi, ignore him. That will piss him off the most and will stop his control of you. Do NOT ENGAGE. As a military woman, you know that not engaging is sometimes the best and only tactic. Ignore ignore ignore!!!!!!!!! Then he will find someone else to bother. Please please please, block him and move on with your life.

      1. So true! Ignoring someone like that drives them nuts.
        Move on and don’t ever give them another moment in time.
        That will drive them crazy and move on, dont look back. Stop wanting closer, he beat you up, isn’t that enough?,,,
        Steve Harvey always said, ” never ask a man to tell you they don’t want you twice!” No kidding!
        Have a great life looking forward!

    3. There is a narcissist in my family who likes to gossip. I just ignore them, although this has been difficult in the past. I am a happy person, I hate gossip or rumours. I continue to be my usual happy, positive self; which really annoys them. Others in the family think he is just confident and opinionated; I know different. Every conversation is about him. He is always the victim and is critical of others constantly. Deep down he is a very sad, jealous and controlling man.

    4. Hi Jodi,
      My ex husband, a narcissist, left me before I could leave him. He did it in the absolutely cruelest way possible. He wanted to break me. He almost did. The ONLY think that pulled me through was ignoring him. He spread the craziest, unimaginable lies about me. Filth. I ignored it all. Fighting would have broken me. He still tries to pull me in. He’s blocked on my phone, Facebook, IG. He can only email. My responses, if absolutely necessary, are businesslike. No emotion. Good luck. You’ll get through. It’s so much better without them

  2. Very true all of it. I just finished with a narcissist and it was hell but luckily I am strong inside and he never got the better of me.

      1. Im going through the smear campaign right now funny thing is she’s trying to say im a narcissist and everything i read has been happening for the last 3 yrs to me the last fight we got in i left and haven’t called her or attempt responding to much texts . She however has been smearing me but i don’t even care to defend myself anymore its pointless and now i just read y and it makes sense to me for the overall relationship it angers and saddens me that i put up with alot cause i love her deeply and to find out it was only a game to her .

      1. Wow !
        I really wish I had a Go Pro at times to show her what was happening . Hoping it would change things I guess . I was being told I was ( and still am ) the Narcissist . She is now moved out and into her own home after we have been together almost 4 years ( 2 prior foreclosed homes from abusive or deadbeat husbands and a relationship from a real creep ) She has definitely helped me out financially while we were together making it clear we were a team and then comparing me to them while also saying I deserve better and should move on ? So I am trying to really learn the definition of a narcissist to better my self . A friend told me that his Therapist told him that a True Narcissist wouldn’t second guess themselves. So I am not a narcissist ? Then I am thinking why cant a Narcissist change for the good ? Is help available for a narcissist ? Is it hereditary? Coming from a broken home myself . ( I am also having issues with a mentally and chemically unstable daughter ) My now Ex girlfriend has overcome a lot in life and has achieved so much for her Independence with her own home and career while kicking me to the curb.as she is now dating again, blaming me for the love lost a long time ago .

      2. It took me 23 Years to believe what professionals were telling me was true about my narcissist. He was a family member and I couldn’t let go. He nearly destroyed my bank account, my sanity and my marriage. He moved away because I stopped giving him things. Turning on me by accusing me of what he was doing made me crazy. It was a horrible experience and no matter how charming and funny they are, if you stop providing them their narcissistic supply they will turn on you. Once they know what hurts you they’ll use it against you over and over again. Please, if you can, get help and leave for your own sake. I Still have the scars.

    1. Yes it sure is I am in this right now it’s so tough it was hell being with her but I loved her so much I had no idea what was going on I just want the trauma bond to break 6 weeks no contact she discarded me but I know another Hoover is coming!

  3. My Husband was one and I got away from him 3 yrs ago he still tells people I was a gold digger and more now I am worried my son is one no now I know my son is one and he still lives with me

      1. He has grown up watching and learning from his father. He thinks it’s the way to be. He will change, given time and and he will observe and learn from others. Just continue to love him while he finds his own way. Good luck!

    1. People with narcissistic traits can, they need at least five characteristics to be on the spectrum, those on the spectrum don’t have the empathy to connect with others on a deeper level genuinely, they might have cognitive empathy so they can think empathy, yet they can not feel, they enjoy attention negative or positive and they act like they care when people are giving them positive attention, as they think they are above others and they feel entitled to receive this attention. Most of the disorder don’t have object consistency meaning if there is conflict, disagreements or distance they simply don’t care, so they can not truly connect or love like healthy people do who do not have the disorder.

      1. Yes! Mine was always giving me the BLANK STARE, and it would just send me to the MOON! At first I thought, how could you be daydreaming in the middle of a nearly explosive discussion!? She just could not grasp certain appropriate response techniques! Very frustrating! She eventually attacked me with a very sharp object, and although almost funny at first, nearly cost me my life. Cut me up real nice Thankful for super glue….. My fatal flaw was not calling cops. Could you even imagine a caged super narc accused of attempted murder? I have, for almost FIVE YEARS! None the less, Im the cheating freeloading psychotic sexual deviant (!) perpetrator who is unfit to see his daughter. And she convinced the cops and courts that Im the bad guy. Im heartbroken for the loss of my little girl. Some days even waking up is a major battle. She bled me and wished me dead. Im non compliant. Youre a good soul, and writer. And maybe an empath…? I thinks maybe… good day

    1. Hello Beth, you are far from alone in this. Unfortunately, many have lived it and are often too afraid to speak up, meaning many more go through this alone. There’s lots of information on the blog, any questions, please ask 💜

    2. I felt the same way….most people don’t get it if they have not been exposed to it…it’s a lose lose situation ..all they want is total attention all the time it it doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive…get away from it now

  4. Women are not the only victims of a narcissist. It goes both ways! I married a woman who began our relationship as seemingly perfect. The typical tactic. Accolades, accomplishments, high standing in the community… all the things the narcissist pushes on those on the outside to appear perfect. Less than 4 months into the marriage it started happening. The isolating from family & friends. The unfounded accusations and belittling of myself, my family & my friends. It continued to grow as time went on. I was ordered to never discuss with anyone the problems we were having yet she had no problem telling others about how she was putting everything she had into the marriage. After buying the house I became friends with the neighbor across the street. My new fishing buddy. It didn’t take her long to start questioning our friendship. Accusing me of having the “hots” for him! When I told her that all the accusations coming from her were offensive & hurtful her reply was, “Did I hurt your little feelings? WELL GET OVER IT!” No empathy whatsoever! It got to the point that if I even went to the store I’d got severe anxiety when returning home. I was over taken by her & had completely lost who I was. What I’ve written is only the tip of the iceberg but after 5 years of having to walk on eggshells I had enough! I walked out and never looked back! Best thing I had ever done for my own sanity! I couldn’t be happier now! I left with no regrets because I know in my heart I did all I could to make things work. I tried and I tried hard but to no avail! It was a lesson learned but now I can spot a narcissist after spending a few minutes with one!

    1. Yes once you’ve learned from one it’s much easier to spot other, you are 100% right it’s not only men who are narcissistic women are also, there is a post I did this month about the vulnerable female narcissist. More women are speaking out, and more men are starting to also.

      1. I can spot a narcissist also after dealing with my ex husband. Unfortunately me and my current husband are dealing with a female tenant that is a narcissist, and we are going through the eviction process. Just got a letter today from our attorney that she said that she was in a relationship with my husband and she ended it and he’s hurt and that’s why he filed an eviction and he sent inappropriate text messages to her. All lies, he went on 1 date with her before I met him, and that’s it. She already gave me a letter, telling me all my my friends and family knew he went out on a date with her and they never told me, she even included my in laws in the letter. She never said she slept with him or even kissed him. And now all of sudden it was a relationship. I’m really afraid that she’s going to file rape charges against next, bc she is going to have to pay us quite a lot of money. Ugh it’s so hard to deal with these people and their lies, they are just plain evil.

    2. I totally understand your frustrations. My son has been going through the same thing with his ‘son to be ex-wife’. She was beating up on him to provoke him, he could no longer eat anything she cooked as he would get sick. She has threatened to kill my son, herself and their child. My son would many times have to sleep in a small trailer in the backyard for fear of his life, or come to our home, usually with cuts and bruises on him and crying. My son is a big man, but was not going to harm her. He actually finally called the authorities and had her removed. He kept hanging on hoping he would see the woman he fell in love with again. They are going through a highly contentious divorce. But he could no longer afford his attorney due to all the stunts her attorney pulled, so he is representing himself now. And the DA has brought charges against her know, so going to court over that. She has called me horrible, terrible names in front of my grand-daughter which I have on video. SHE is a nightmare to say the least. I call her a Narcissistic Sociopath. I had no idea that women like her existed. And her family had no idea of what she had done. Hopefully they do now with the Declaration I filed with the courts and all of the evidence and proof we provided. All we can do is hope and pray that my son gets physical custody of my grand-daughter, because if she gets custody, she has vowed to never allow me and my husband access to our grand-daughter.

    3. Hi SRS.
      Wow! Im truly sorry you had to experience what I did. Everything you said was exactly what I experienced. I met a narcissist one month after leaving a misrible 24 yr marriage that should have never happened, but had 3 children with him My X husband was not a narcissist, so I had no idea that I was headed for 8 yrs of pure hell, the eggshell walks, the extreme anxiety, so bad that i ended up on xanax bars, I had to see the Dr because I simply couldn’t keep feeling that I was going to just die from a heart attack. Just hearing him pull in, i would start shaking all over and my heart beating out of my chest. It was just constant torture. But still hung in there because i just knew he was going to change for me, I was madly in love with him from day 1, and I knew he loved me too ( what ever you call that kind of love) that is why it was extremely hard to leave because of all the tactics he had up his sleeve at any givin second. Like I said, I had no idea that there was anyone out there like him. He hurt me so bad mentally, physically, verbally and emotionally, so many times in the eighth years with him that he destroyed the happy, cheerful, outgoing, loving, giving, and caring heart I had. I have been away from him almost 10 yrs now. I feel that he broke something in my heart. The parts that trust, nurtured cared, etc. I trust no man now. Its not that I want to feel this way. My heart feels the total opposite of the way it used to feel. I hate that he done this. I want to love and to be loved, but not sure if my heart will ever let that happen again. I seriously doubt it. Ive tried a few times to go out, but that only happened once. I just couldn’t handle it.

      1. I too feel broken right now, but I am ok with my lack of desire to let a man into my heart/head again. I find solace in family and friend relationships. What surprised me about my brokenness was when I came to the end of my 3yr divorce battle. When I had the opportunity to speak in court, I could not speak truth. His lawyer twisted truths like a pretzel, and I just sat there with a frozen voice. I thought I had grown stronger and I even felt freedom and safety.. but when put in the same courtroom, I seemed to revert back to my fearful old self. Even though it was the ending to my nightmare, it was still affecting me.
        I am saying this to help others. Prepare yourselves.. work on healing that area of your brokenness. It will be important when you go before a Judge. The narcissist is going to say and do anything to discredit you, to ruin you, to make you “pay” for what “you” did. The Judge can only make a decision based on the facts put before them. Do not ever let yourself believe that the narcissistic EX has a moral compass that heads in the right direction.

      2. Heart of Stone, you sound so much like my dear friend who just fled her husband of 11 yrs for the 3rd time. As I was getting to know her, whenever he came to see their 2 children (Dept. of Children’s Services had told her he had to move out), I’d see her start shaking. He manipulated his way back into the house after getting evicted from his own place. After not even 2 full weeks of constant verbal abuse, my friend was so depressed and completely broken to the point that she wanted to commit suicide. The only thing that stopped her was her 2 children. She made a plan to flee. When he physically threatened her (he’d put her in the hospital twice already and held a knife to her throat once) and she found out he was planning to take the children out of school the day she’d planned to leave, she left a day early. He knew she wouldn’t leave without the children. He spread so many lies to all his friends about her. They all thought she was the monster. He also tried to convince the children of how bad a mother and person she was. He actually described her with some of the things he did to her and would say to her. When the child didn’t agree he’d start screaming at the child. She told me his behavior changed radically from charming to verbally, emotionally and physically abusive withing 2 months of their marriage. He seems to get a thrill from torturing her & probably his mistresses.

        Elizabeth Shaw – is this man a narcissist? He beat her down so completely with his words and treatment of her that she feels she has no worth whatsoever. He refused to help in any way financially with the children and once back in the house, didn’t help with bills, rent, and would eat all the food she bought for the children, never buying any even for himself to bring home. He would dress the youngest in clothes that were dirty and too small and start in on her when she tried to provide appropriate clothes. When she passed the CNA entrance test he refused to help pay for her education just to prove that she wouldn’t amount to anything. What are you thoughts about him?

      3. Hello, people can be narcissistic in a negative way and not have the narcissistic personality disorder, abuse is abuse narcissist or not; here’s a link on the characteristics.

        https://youtu.be/2RR0crazguU

        Only professionals can diagnose, and they often fool professionals.

        Personally, no one knows them better than those who’ve experienced the individual first hand. 💜

        She and the children deserve so much better.

    4. You nailed it. Suck you in being perfect ( manipulation) then change after you’re married ( crazy making). Really tough being raised by one. Especially once you try individuating.

  5. This is possibly one of the toughest situations I’ve had to deal with. I kept thinking “what am I doing wrong?” and I kept trying harder and harder to make my ex happy. The constant blaming really wore away my self-esteem and made me feel horribly depressed as I began to believe I was truly a bad person. The hardest part was his misrepresentation of the facts afterward, and when I’d challenge him and insist that wasn’t how it was, he would say “I’m really worried about why you can’t remember anything.” I wasted so much time second guessing myself. After 8 years of this, I finally took a step back and thought to myself “statistically speaking, after 8 years, it is impossible that EVERY argument is MY fault.” At this point, I began documenting (Yes, writing it down and keeping a log) of our arguments and how they started and I began to see – right in front of me – what the actual truth was. The more this went on, the more my internal light bulb began to come on and I could finally see how it was all fitting together. And, how it was never going to get better – so I left. I had a hard time over what he was telling others – the lies about me – about how he was the victim, but when the lies began to get SO unbelievable – I started to let that go. If people we so gullible they would believe some of these stories, then it wasn’t worth my time trying to straighten things out. I know the truth – and that’s good enough for me.

  6. When I stopped caring and I told him I don’t give a hoot about what he’s doing that’s when the tables turned. Being able to ignore them and not respond to their games and antic is a BLOW to their ego. If you encourage them to keep doing the smearing of your name (because it’s only helping you to look better when you leave them) they stop! The idea is to make them look good and make you look bad. The residual consequences are once you’re out of the relationship and people actually see you for who you really are how much you’ve change, that makes them even angrier.

    1. It took me that long as well! My dad is the big bully…he use to love to make me cry. It was not a pleasant experience walking on egg shells everyday. I had to have an sleep study eeg done last year. The nurses asked if anyone around me was abusive and who. I said yes, my dad. Shocked her…she said STILL!!! Then asked if I needed someone to take too. I said NO, I know what he is, I do know how to handle it but the things he does say behind my back is horrible. I like in a small town and everyone knows what he is like…even those that did not really believe me, believe me now…he has pulled the same thing with him. He is my dad, I just don’t talk to him that much. I keep him at arms length. My brother is no longer here and he was my protector. He told my dad once that if he ever bothered me again that he would have to deal with him. For me, I had to have a strong man to help me. I am strong but I am also a girl…we have this thing called emotions. I also have seizures so stress is not a good thing. I understand how you feel but I also know you have to stand your ground. He is the problem…remember that. No, I can’t change my dad but I know he is the problem and I am the only one who can help me. He does not know everything about me and when he tries to tell me his glorified version, I will come back with the true version. He has nothing to hold over my head. I did it and I had a life time of it. Jodi, it takes a lot of strength but you can do this! You got this! You deserve more and there is more. I ask God everyday to help me…I have had seizures for over 40 yrs ( I am 53) and he played on them…what a bully.

  7. I’ve been dealing with a slanderous former friend for the last 5 years. He is a semiprofessional actor like myself, but he and I disagree on political and social issues. He has smeared me and my name amongst fellow actors to where some actors are apprehensive to work with me because of the lies that this person has spread about me. This person harassed my wife, and I fell right into his passive aggressive game and vaguely warned him to stop harassing my wife or “there would be consequences”. This person took me to court saying that I threatened his life. The court threw out his claims, but judged that we should both leave each other alone… which he did for about 6 months before he started attacking me on Facebook again.
    This article has been very helpful in my future dealings with others who question me about this other person and ignoring him. Two quotes that have helped me: “You can’t stoke a fire if you denied it the oxygen that it requires” and the other quote is basically “Never worry about your reputation if show others your true character, because character is much more important and memorable than reputation”.

    1. If you can manage your time around them, or limited time around them, there are ways to disarm them depending on the narcissist you’re dealing with. Narcissistic bosses are difficult to handle, as are most narcissistic people, is the other owner ok with you?

      I hope this link works, video for more information on narcissistic bosses.

      https://youtu.be/KVnMofvEEKc

    2. I realized that the CEO of the company was a narcissist about 18 months into a new job after I had divorced my narcissist ex. One day it dawned on me as she was speaking about herself for the hundredth time (and other nasty behavior) that I had gone from a narcissist spouse to a narcissist boss, that I needed to get out of there. I did, and I’m much so happier without either of them! I agree. Limit your timde around them and just continue to remember who they really are.

    1. Hi, at present research suggests those with the narcissistic personality disorder develop it through life, for various reasons, as are narcissistic sociopaths.

      narcissistic psychopaths are born psychopaths.

  8. What if the narcissistic has taken your grown grandchildren( his and my deceased daughters children ) to a point they will no longer speak or let you into their lives?

    1. All you can do is reach out to them, not too often if they’ve requested not to speak with you. Just send cards and gifts on special occasions, with a quick note letting them know you’re always there if ever needed, then hopefully one day they will see what’s happened and reach out to you.

      1. My daughter is narcissistic… and my grandchildren were isolated from me for many years.. missed a lot of their growing up…(I was so close to them when they were younger and raised my oldest for almost 5 years) Now However, now as adults, they see through a lot of it… but, I had to have hands off for many years (it about killed me) …. I reached out to my daughter after about 5 years (I did not realize at the time of narcissism) so her supply was coming back… but, the good out of it, I was able to regain fellowship with my now grown grandchildren… However, long story, I put the breaks on my daughter and I am now her scapegoat, punching bag when I told her I was no longer her ATM machine, punching bag. It is hard to come to terms with how your child can do this to you, and you blame yourself… but you are not the crazy one… I love her, but only at a distance. At weddings etc..it is a very uncomfortable position.. she makes sure I know she is discarding me. Then she will hoover and she still gets no response. I have learned… to play the “game” so to speak. But only on my terms for my sanity sake.

  9. This was so mind blowing to see you calling her behavior like a ball game.thete was a point where I got the seen.this is evil.it is after me.and to destroy me and my happiness.that made the hair on my neck stand up

  10. She still tells people I tried to push her off at Crater Lake. She had taken both sets of car keys and put them in her pocket. She grabs my hand putting it to her chest and starts backing up to the drop off saying go ahead and push me over the side. Meanwhile I am fighting to break free of her grasp. I did break free with plenty of time. Trust was broken and I would not get near her at any more lookouts at Crater Lake. I thought about it on the home to Illinois. I knew that she would again be depressed and cry over little things that happened in the past for two days. (this happened an average of every three weeks) and come out of the bedroom for about the 50th time saying our marriage isn’t working and you need to leave. I knew if I stayed after her suicide attempt at Crater Lake that she could OD with her drugs. I was picking her meds at the pharmacy. She would have me in jail over circumstantial evidence. The marriage was no longer worth it. She did exactly as I suspected with two weeks of getting home. I answered her our marriage ain’t working and you need to leave (about 8:30 pm that night) with I will start packing in the morning. AND I did. So much happier now without her narcissism. Absolutely true on the advice. I quit answering her letters and phone calls. She still tries to control what people think of me.

    1. I am very aware now, I have been with a narcissist for almost 20 years… lost everything we’ve had…no friends..or at least I don’t… I think she has friends even though I don’t see them…they are My used to be friends !!! I’ve been so stupid for so long ; listening to her blaming me for EVERYTHING …..

  11. I wish I had understood this long ago. My mother was a textbook narcissist. For 80 years I was her main target. Since her death I’m learning so much, but oh if only I had known how to better respond. She really tore me apart. Even now, it’s hard to heal. I don’t miss her.

  12. And all psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths… 1-4% of the entire population are psychopaths (that studies are aware of, anyway)…. Lucky me, I found the real deal…. Hannibal Lector aint got nothing on him…. He probably one ups Lector, actually….

  13. I’m not trying to be funny, nor exaggerating, but your article described my daughter’s mom to the “T”!!!

    Nothing is ever her fault, she never accepts responsibility, and she’s always the “victim”. When she gets upset, it’s the silent treatment for weeks and months…. no joke! Eho foes that when you have a 4 yo daughter together? When she drops our daughter off, she parks behind the bushes at the neighbor’s house and makes my daughter walk instead of pulling in the driveway. No, I never abused my daughter’s mom… not ever! This is her way of avoidance and playing the victim. She disrespects me in front of her other two kids, saying things like “give the homework to him, he’s the nerd” and “you’re a fucking idiot”. There’s no discipline in her home! Her 16 yo daughter smokes weed, has sex with boys and girls and talks back to her mom, uncle, and other family members. If I stand my ground with this little devil from hell, then I’m the bad guy and get told to leave her apartment. This is fine by me, because my sanity isn’t worth it.

    Just 3 weeks ago i found out she borrowed a car from a family member. Prior to this, i was made to pickup and drop off my daughter everyday, since my daughter’s mom got her second DUI and totaled her SUV in June 2019. I confronted my daughter’s mom about having transportation to help pick up and drop off our daughter. Then, immediately she calls me a stalker…. really? I simply asked her to step up as a mother and a parent to help with our daughter’s transportation and I get called a stalker? Who does that? If I would have never asked her about the car, she would have never told me.

    Anyways, I love your article and for a while I thought it was just me… lol.

  14. Thank you for this Well Written article.. How can I receive more recovering. I’m being divorced right now by a lady just like this. She has me thinking I’m the Narcissist…. My counselor has tell me it’s it’s not true because I keep believing I’m guilty.

      1. Someone posted this earlier ” she makes sure I know she is discarding me” Mine just told me that I am not worth it. I.feel so stupid! I watched my oldest brother and knew it was bad. And it is a taught thing, I think as his only son is his father. I have an adult daughter that “she says” was diagnosed with bipolar. She watched what (and lived with) I went thru with my brother. But this has not stopped her from turning on me and me admitting that she has a problem.
        I need to know, please, tell me how to stop the hurt of her turning my grandchildren on me as well. I took care of these darlings and drove a school bus for the 1st 10 yrs of their lives. HOW DO YOU HARDEN YOUR HEART? I can’t..

  15. I’m in desperate need of how to deal with my narcissistic ex-husband that I was married to for almost 22 years. We’ve been separated since 2013, and divorced since 2017, yet he continues to try to run my life and make me out to be the crazy person. We have 3 children together, 2 that we still have to co-parent with, and it’s an absolute nightmare. He has a very high power position, that he uses to his advantage at all times. He does no wrong, and everything is my fault, He tells everyone that I’m the terrible person/parent, even though he’s moved on and will be getting re-married, as am I. I don’t understand, and I can’t continue like this. We have a special needs daughter, that he REFUSES to believe that anything is wrong with her. I do all her medical appointments both in and out of state, but I’m the crazy person. He accused me of cheating on him during our marriage, which never happened. This is slowly killing me, and I’ve lost my own identity, I don’t know what to do. Why does he want to continue to run my life when we’ve been divorced 3+ years now. And why is he always right, and I’m always wrong, regardless of the situation? It’s slowly destroying me inside…..

  16. I dated a narcissist for a few years where it’s destroyed everything about me. She has a daughter whom I love dearly as if she is my own but has tended to use our relationship as a crutch to where I have become the Uber/babysitter/stepdad. But she uses the your her father figure I don’t want to mess with it. I only seem to be the father figure again when a favor is needed. She was verbally abusive and also would continually check my phone accuse me of cheating and just bring me down as a person whether it be my character my finances or just any way she can as she calls it point out constructive criticism. Now it’s come to the point where I have drawn a line that if we aren’t together it’s not my responsibility to take care of a child’s that’s not mine especially when her own father is not being held to any of these standards. I did eventually cheat which was the breaking in the camels back of the relationship and I have no excuse to why and I am totally wrong but after so long of being told I’m not anything I’m broke I’m not a father figure and so much more that’s I’m not on top of being told I’m going to cheat I just have in and gave myself something I was getting accused and yelled at for so long. Sucks that you can love someone so much and I return they just use and destroy your mental. I never knew what a narcissist was until I was called one and now more and more I understand what this is I can honestly say I was dating one instead of being the labeled one this site has given me life thank you

  17. I put this man I live in jail push me an say no i walked by her she she she she so I say he hehe and u all rite he get the lite but no the last word an I don’t care about all he tell set in the bar a day no sex u like a date word gets back 2me so my love 4 him is home no more but I miss him i know he what an he has done to me but Iam the one they calls the cops ok he says I work hard ok so how many yrs u work how long u pay bills u rite there lost lies has one kid an don’t care for her sad but when he is a drunk that’s works hard claims kids on taxes an saying he is head of householder a drunk can’t not do what i do i know he I gone but Ian hurt I loved this man 26 yrs he been doing me bad but I miss him why an at the same I hate him but miss him crying I feel so alone i feel like me life is done only 2days I feel my life is gone why but at the same time I hate him why with me what I do stay home be good take care of us why why

  18. I am trying to deal with a Narcissistic mother in law who has been creating problems since day 1. She does awful things and then tells the family that I’m the one doing it. She has been throwing obstacles our way for years and my husband is just starting to see it for himself. God help us. We almost ended our marriage and she was one of the main reasons why.

  19. What’s so hard is that people who know what’s going on tell me to leave him. But I don’t have the financial means to do that. And I can’t get legal help because he is not physically abusive. I know I’m not the same person I was when I met him and I absolutely do feel like I’m crazy. I’ve been referred to therapists by multiple doctors but I can’t go because he will know and won’t approve and then we will have to fight about that. There is literally no. Way. Out.

  20. How can i tell if my ex wife is a narc shes been telling ppl for years that it was me im trying to get some answers?

  21. Is there anything that can be done to help the narcissist change their manipulative behavior to act in a way that is not abusive?

    1. I am dating a narcissist right now ! He goes to church with me every Sunday.I. have not seen any good change in him yet. 2yrs I believe is too long to wait for change.

    2. KEVIN CRAWFORD: I was a psychology major in college. I studied NUMEROUS classes of psychology, which included all types of behavior……….OCD, bi-polar, depression, and narcissism, to name a few. MOST psychological disorders CAN be treated with meds, cognitive behavior therapy, or both. HOWEVER, the ONLY DISORDER, for which no one has come up with any plan of treatment, is NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR !! THERE IS NO CURE……………IMPOSSIBLE TO TREAT, because a narcissist doesn’t BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM. So, it is with great sadness that I need to tell you the TRUTH. And that truth is that NO…………..there is NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE to change the behavior of a narcissist, where SUDDENLY, they will no longer use their MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR, or…….STOP THEIR PLAN OF ABUSE. A narcissist uses ALL TYPES OF MANIPULATION: (1) isolation of their victims; (2) emotional manipulation; (3) verbal abuse towards their victims; (4) mental abuse of their victims; (5) physical abuse of their victims; (6) sexual abuse of their victims; and (7) financial abuse of their victims. Narcissists will literally BLEED YOU DRY of all of YOUR MONEY and even EXPECT MORE MONEY !!! My best advice to you would be to get professional help and COMPLETELY WALK AWAY FROM THE DRAMA of this person who is literally, slowly KILLING you, your health, and your soul. RUN…………don’t WALK away from this evil personality.
      FROM: A 67 year old woman who survived domestic abuse and narcissim, and found the strength to walk away from a toxic marriage after 16 months !!!

  22. This is the life I live daily with our adopted 17yo daughter. She manipulates everything/one. Tells them how horrible I am and that I mistreat her, even her therapist is a victim to her games. She’s diabolical. i pray for her everyday.

    It’s sad to watch and not be able to defend myself. Thankfully the most important people in my life know the truth.

    1. I will agree with you and hate that you have had to deal with such a evil and not knowing WOMAN…I REALLY DON’T THINK THEY KNOW THEY ARE TO BLAME OR IN THE WRONG

  23. I’ve left my ex 3 years ago. I had to involve law enforcement to walk away! He would control everything! Even now – we have two kids together, and has pretty much been a control freak still. He meddles in any relationship I have , and it’s all true it is HARD to not respond to him. He starts off with talking about our children and then goes off. I’ve made repeat police complaints, and nothing. I’m having a hard time and feel that if I don’t stop – he is going to essentially ruin anything and everything he can with me. I’m scared of him

  24. My divorce has been going on for 10 months. I was heartbroken when my husband left after I accused him of having an affair. After he left, I started to find out so many bad things about him and this woman. He even bought a house and moved another woman in with him. The entire time he was still wanting me to come back to him! He was telling his friends and family how horrible I had been to him in our marriage. On social media I was a monster! I had no idea how many lies he had told me! He had taken out loans, bought cars, even a home for a woman! Too many things to list! After a few months, a friend told me he was a narcissist. I didn’t believe her. After reading many articles, I was so shocked! This was my husband! Gaslighting, mentally abusive, taking our money and paying other women’s bills, lying, I almost had a nervous breakdown at one point but have gotten better and stronger with the help of family, friends, and my faith in God. This man is evil! After 12 years together, I’m done! He can have his next victim. I’m looking forward to my day in court! He will be there with all his women!!

  25. Still hurting after a 23 year marriage with (I now realize) a narcissist. He was a well respected pastor. No one new what was going on at home. He had multiple affairs and told the church leaders and anyone that would listen that I had a personality disorder. He managed to deceptively get all our money and has turned his whole family against me and our children. Our girls are teenagers and experienced what he was really like at home. They will have nothing to do with him. Our lives are much better without him, but the pain is still so deep. I still can’t believe I was so blind for so long.

  26. I have managed to create what I believe are healthy boundaries in my relationship with my narcissistic father (although I’m sure he views our relationship much differently, and I’m learning to be ok with that).
    Of course things become much more clearer when you take a step back and really process every interaction and feeling to do with the narcissist, I am thankful I am able to educate myself, safely away from his tactics, to then know exactly how to deal with any future interactions (the holidays are coming up, and family gatherings with him present always have me feeling anxious in the beginning).
    One thing in particular that I’m struggling with though, well there’s two, is fighting the feeling of needing to defend myself although I KNOW my whole family knows me well and knows of my fathers narcissistic ways. I’m really trying to not react to thoughtless comments he tends to make at family gatherings towards me and my husband, and his complete ignorance to my two step-sons at Thanksgiving, which infuriates me. My step-sons have done nothing wrong to the man. I had a very honest and open phone conversation with my father back at Easter time, in hopes of this last attempt getting through to him that I would like things to start fresh and mutual respect and effort to be made, as he claims to be so upset with how ‘MY’ life choices have driven us farther apart. I miss my Father. I want who he was before this narcissism took over. But I really can’t afford mine or my family’s health if he isn’t even going to try, and yet will still act on his narcissistic ways. The thought of Giving Up on him leaves me feeling a large amount of undeserving guilt. I am a very compassionate person and believe, especially of those closest in your life, that you shouldn’t give up on someone because of mental health issues. But I am also a very no-bull**** when it comes to abuse of any type, and this has been an ongoing battle throughout the years that I will refuse to subject my own family to if things come to that.
    If anyone reading this has any suggestions or similar stories, I would be very grateful.

  27. I believe my husband is a narcissist. While it’s too much type, I’ll just focus on his lack of empathy. Last night we went to see a movie that was painful to watch and the ending was so traumatic that I reacted with tears in the theater. So did others around us. He leans to ask what’s wrong? I don’t respond as I’m choked up and needed to gather myself and things to leave the theater. We leave, get home and he turns to me as I walk in the house, “baby, did that movie upset you like that?” I didn’t respond immediately, so he says, “did you hear me?” Are you that upset? I kept walking to the bedroom as he kept staring at me, saying, “do you hear me?” I turned to him and said, “hey, it was an emotional film and anyone with a heart would be upset. But don’t try to turn this into some thing where I now emotional issues. I see you, is what I told him. You lack empathy, so I guess nothing moves you. I asked him to stop talking to me, just so I can change my clothes in peace. My pjs were in the drier, so he stomps into the laundry room, takes my clothing out. I go up to him and begin to put my things back into the drier. He says he needs to go to bed and the drier is too loud. I say, well close the bedroom door. I needed my things to dry and it was almost done. I stood my ground (he’s a big man) unlike in the past where I would be shamed for making noise after 10pm, tip toeing around the house for 2 years after we married. So this morning, after sleeping on the sofa, I dress and leave the house before 9am on a non workday (not my norm). When I came back, he’s sulking, not sure how to handle me doing my own thing outside of the house. I have not given him much energy and that seems to work. All in all, his idea to reel me into a debate on whether or not I am emotionally unstable bc I cried at a movie did not work. Nor did I feed into his crap when he tried to control the situation and me by cutting off the drier and taking my wet pjs out. Now he’s gone to a football game and I barely responded to him letting me know he was leaving out. I’ve learned to ignore the games after 3 years of this nonsense. I’m praying I can sustain and he can redirect his focus elsewhere. This is an active battle for my sanity after moving into his house after the wedding.

  28. Thank you for all the information about Narcissist, it has helped my understanding and now I know they cannot change helps me to move on and avoid people like that in future. I have mental health issues,mainly anxiety and depression and I tell people about these issues once I feel I know them well enough. My ex personal assistant is a Narcissist and has messed up nearly every thing I paid him to do and everything he messed up ,he blamed me for. this had been going on for years and has made me quite ill. I was questioning myself and my sanity and was almost believing everything was my fault until I confided in my friends who do care about me and trust me. My advice to people is ,if you feel you are being bullied,do not keep silent and blame yourself,tell people,get help to get away from the bullies, do not suffer in silence and blame yourself.

  29. My mother-in-law & sister-in-law fit every aspect of a narcissist. I have put up their extreme behavior for the last 20 years and now have chosen to cut them out of my life, have been much healthier & happier now that I don’t have to deal with their narcissistic sickness.

  30. My husband and I are separated and he has done all these things to me.. he has tried multiple times to get full custody of our 4 year old daughter.. he went from telling the court i was crazy (with no examples given) he then pulled me into court 4 months later and accused me of abusing drugs (this was dismissed). He claims our marital home is “his” saying I invested no money in the property. One day before the split I got home from work and he had changed all the locks on the house. He filed a restraining order against me (saying he was simply “scared” of me). He ran his mouth to all of our neighbors Before our split, when I walked the dog my neighbors wouldn’t even say hi to me. I had postpartum depression (I was still a good mother and got help)and he is now claiming I am unstable, bad mother. He tried to alienate me from my own parents and brother. He claims I am a gold digger. He has gotten his friend and own father to lie for him in court. I finally cut off all communication with him. I feel like we exhausted all forms to co-parenting. He only uses my words against me. I have trial in a few months to fight for my daughter. Please have me in your thoughts and prayers. I will not let him rob me of my joy.

  31. Someone…….preferably a Good Friend, should show what “narcissism” means……in the Webster’s Dictionary…….SERIOUSLY

  32. I have realized when I do not let him take my power supply away. Meaning I see him projecting and understand he really isn’t talking about me but himself. I can stay calm and have less anxiety around him. Are they all wounded children? When seeing clearly he mostly behaves like a teen or younger? Is that from real trauma as a child?

    1. Sometimes it can be caused from a childhood trauma, turning them into fight mode and never recovered from this, some people are incredibly negative and meet their needs by destroying others. Some never learn object consistency as a child, meaning if there is distance or conflict, they simply do not care, some either lose empathy along the way, or possibly never developed it. Yes they can act like toddlers in adults body’s, throwing massive tantrums some to the extreme when they don’t get their own way, and just like some toddlers who get caught red-handed and deny to save themselves getting into trouble, a narcissist can do the same, they will happily eat your last piece of cake with crumbs around their mouths and deny all knowledge, or claim it was theirs, or that you ate it and forgot. (Not all toddlers act this way, and those who do, don’t always turn into narcissists, as parents teach them throughout childhood right from wrong, lies and consequences etc.) but most narcissists act this way.

      This video explains more.

      https://youtu.be/feLDfhJu3DQ

  33. I feel compelled to comment because after 23 years of marriage (to a covert narcissist) I have finally come to terms with the reality of my situation…things are NOT going to magically get better . Being an optimistic and positive person, I was SURE that “one day”…soon, things would change. I would think…When he graduated from grad school…or got his “real job”…or we bought our house….kids were older…(etc) he would go back to being the man I fell in love with. I always believed that right around the corner was our salvation. I was soooo WRONG! This coping mechanism simply allowed me place blame on our situation or myself, instead of the selfish behaviors of my narcissist husband. (Sadly, it is only in retrospect, I am realizing the years and years I wasted waiting for “one day” to arrive.) What finally helped me see the light???? I no longer recognized this depressed, tired and defeated person looking back at me in the mirror? Who was this person? When did I become a person who relys on daily meds just to function? Wait… I’m a fun, social and lively person! Or at least I used to be!!!! The journey to discover what happened to me led me down the path I am on right now. What path is that? One of understanding why I stayed, why I need to leave and what I need to do to recover and heal. Please wish me luck as I prepare to leave this toxic relationships and FINALLY make myself the PRIORITY! Thank you for listening to my story!

      1. Thank you for the vote of confidence! It was all about getting my hands on the right information. Your blogs, videos and comments from other narcissist survivors have helped me stop making excuses and see the light! Thank you for all your valuable insight. 😊

  34. I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence! I saved me on July 6,2015. I was abused Emotionally, Mentally, Verbally, Sexually, Financially. Not abused physically. We have 2 boys together. Narc is currently in Federal Prison. He got himself in a drug cartel. Even though I’ve not had any communication with him, I was dreading filing for divorce. Because I knew it would open another can of worms. So this is where I am on my journey of healing, going thru a divorce with a Narc is not fun. He has tried to smear me still via his denial letter to the judge.
    He has ruined me for life, and I’ve made a choice that I will never date again. I’m 47 and I’ve been raising my boys alone with no help. I will continue on my journey solo.
    My goal is to write a memoir and I just know it’d be a best seller.

    I will be starting counseling again in 2020.

  35. roflol I had 3 come at me at 9ne time, even gang up. I’m still laughing because every ploy they used was so predictable. good riddance. all I know is none of the 3 are happy and never were. karma is an amazing thing. every failed attempt ended with karma biting them hard. ive moved on and did so before any of them ever really started. best revenge is always being successful. i let the gossips come and go just long enough to give me updates they volunteer in their weak attempts. good part about that is hearing how poorly they’re doing and they are. there’s comfort in that. everything that was attempted has backfired, because I never let them get to me, enable me. it all started with an accusation, which immediately alerted me to pay attention and I quickly found out they were projecting. i know I did not cheat so instantly onew where this was going. ironically, we were together 24/7 on a 3 month road trip during which we were never apart more than 18 8nches. yet, i cheated. except one night when I’d been falsely arrested, which led to charges being dropped I could still smell her sex the next day and from her story about having met a friendly stranger who put her up that night it didn’t take a genius to figure out how he was paid. lol, within 3 weeks she was put out by me. i really don’t have time for that nonsense. that’s when shortly after the other 2 became 8nvolved, yes coordinated by her. interest8ngly, all 3 have had years of therapy and were prescribed psychotropic. 2 suicidal, all suffer8ng anxiety and depression and QUICK to call all their past relationships as having been narcissists. what they didn’t know is I knew the men, all successful and happy, good men. oops. like I said, hilarious. it was a little rough deal8ng with them, but I shut them down and locked them out to just move forward. I’m not a victim. lol, I am too secure 8n myself and can’t be manipulated. call out BS mercilessly. Next! roflol

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