The Narcissist And Their Smear Campaign Against You.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

If you are being smeared by the narcissist, what they do, and how you can help yourself.

The smear campaign is used, so the narcissist can keep their false self hidden, so you’re the crazy one, the trouble maker and you’re the abuser, everything they did to you, they’ll make out you did to them. So they can walk free, from any responsibility.

It’s a method they use so they can get their reality in first. They usually start this before the relationship is even over, and you will most likely have no idea it’s happening. You might find out from someone around you. The narcissist might have also told someone you know things that the narcissist knows will inform you. So they can watch you react. Possibly the first you’ll know about the smear campaign is if you decide to stand up for yourself and try to tell someone who they really are. Or when you have escaped.

You may get blank looks, or shaking heads of disbelief from others, and this is horrible when you really need someone’s help.

Some types of smears campaigns they use are.

1. You are the abuser, and they will tell people how cruel you are to them, either not letting them have their say, not letting them go out with friends, always stalking their phone, ( which you may have done if you suspected they were cheating.) not looking after the home or children correctly. ( which might have happened to some who end up with anxiety and depression due to the narcissists manipulation and gaslighting.) Not showing any affection to them. Locking them out of the house, ( which you may have done out of fear.) to pouring freezing cold water over them while in the bath, pretending it’s a joke. They will give a long list while making out how good they were putting up with you. They will either tell all the things that they did to you, yet twist the fact you did it to them, or they’ll tell how you reacted while missing out the part of what they did in the first place to cause your reactions.

2. Money, they will tell people they work hard every day to earn money, while you sit spending all their money. If you saved carefully for six months to buy yourself a new coat, they would tell people that you’ve blown their money again. Again if you’ve been with a narcissist you probably already know they try to bleed you dry. I shall add financial abuse at the end.

They will say you’re a leach and a freeloader.

3. The narcissist will tell people that you’re crazy, that something is wrong with you, but they need a formal diagnosis, they might say things like. “they’ve got mental issues. I’ve tried to help, but they’ll not listen. I don’t know what else to do.” Yet again, they entirely miss out what they’ve done to you, and are indeed talking about themselves. The more you try to point out it’s them and not you, the crazier you look, which is why staying out of the smear campaigns is your best defence, it’s difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves and set the story straight, yet with the narcissist’s manipulation of others when we do, our actions often match their words, when we don’t their words are just smoke without the fire.

4. They’ll talk to anyone who will listen, and the narcissist will make up stuff you’ve said about them behind their back, Triangulation, divide and conquer. If you’ve been with a narcissist you know, they are envious of all others and happily talk about them behind their backs. Again they are often describing themselves.

5. They will make out, you don’t give them any love or affection, that you have been cheating on them, they’ve tried time and time again to provide you with a second chance. They will tell people who gossip first to spread it further. They are twisting the story to play the victim and gain attention in any way they can. Yet this is what the narcissist actually did to you.

6. They might say you have an online gambling issue, going to the bookies. If you drink now and again they’ll tell people you’re an alcoholic, if you’ve gained a little weight, they’ll blame it on your addiction to take away food, as they have already told people that you’re no longer taking care of the house, this in people’s minds makes them jump to the wrong conclusions.

The smear campaign is the narcissist’s protection as they say to others what you’ve been doing to them, which indeed is most often precisely what they did to you.

They will tell people what they did but saying it was you, it’s very believable as they know what to say and all the ins and outs, and they are compelling to listen to.

You can not stop them before they begin as you’ve not worked out what they are or what they are doing.

What can you do now?

1. Learning to stop emotionally reacting to the narcissist, do not let them know it’s bothering you, hard yes, but if they’re getting no reaction, they may switch tactics.

2. If people approach you, to get gossip, just say “ I know they’ve told lies, I’m not interested in listening or defending myself, the truth will out one day” this will stop them from spreading more gossip. You could add “the police is looking into it.” Or the ”wow this is fascinating almost movie-like, I’m on the edge of my seat, please tell me what I did next.” Gossips usually get confused by this response, as they are looking for more gossip from you.

3 Do not defend yourself to others. It doesn’t work; the narcissist gets in there first. People asking questions are only interested in more gossip. Instead, concentrate on helping yourself heal. They will always carry on being a narcissist and not change. Yet people will see how much happier you are without them, and they will then make their own judgment call.

4. If you need support, only talk to the really good friends you trust. Or online help, to recover. Do not talk about it to those who believe the narcissist lies. Who’s blaming you and believing them, you know better than anybody, how well a narcissist can lie and manipulate. So don’t hate them, they’ve just been used, by the narcissist. Unfortunately, they will learn in their own time just how toxic the narcissist is, and we can not show them, people do have to learn for themselves.

6. Any evidence you have, videos, messages, third-party witness, show those you’ve been smeared too, but let them make their own minds up. The narcissist will have forced their opinion on them without actual evidence, and you can show them and let them make their own minds up.

7. Remember, the less you engage in the smear campaign, the less you engage with the narcissist, the more they will look to find attention elsewhere.

8. The best response is to ignore it all, third party’s that have been told soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you’re at your lowest point, as you may look crazy, rise above heal yourself. The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating their same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.

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Financial abuse.

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140 thoughts on “The Narcissist And Their Smear Campaign Against You.

  1. I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence! I saved me on July 6,2015. I was abused Emotionally, Mentally, Verbally, Sexually, Financially. Not abused physically. We have 2 boys together. Narc is currently in Federal Prison. He got himself in a drug cartel. Even though I’ve not had any communication with him, I was dreading filing for divorce. Because I knew it would open another can of worms. So this is where I am on my journey of healing, going thru a divorce with a Narc is not fun. He has tried to smear me still via his denial letter to the judge.
    He has ruined me for life, and I’ve made a choice that I will never date again. I’m 47 and I’ve been raising my boys alone with no help. I will continue on my journey solo.
    My goal is to write a memoir and I just know it’d be a best seller.

    I will be starting counseling again in 2020.

    1. I myself I’m currently going through a custody battle a divorce with a narcissus. I understand and feel where you’re coming from I most definitely I would like to do the same right Ain tell all my life when I went through with the narcissist abuse and how he turn the tables on me

  2. roflol I had 3 come at me at 9ne time, even gang up. I’m still laughing because every ploy they used was so predictable. good riddance. all I know is none of the 3 are happy and never were. karma is an amazing thing. every failed attempt ended with karma biting them hard. ive moved on and did so before any of them ever really started. best revenge is always being successful. i let the gossips come and go just long enough to give me updates they volunteer in their weak attempts. good part about that is hearing how poorly they’re doing and they are. there’s comfort in that. everything that was attempted has backfired, because I never let them get to me, enable me. it all started with an accusation, which immediately alerted me to pay attention and I quickly found out they were projecting. i know I did not cheat so instantly onew where this was going. ironically, we were together 24/7 on a 3 month road trip during which we were never apart more than 18 8nches. yet, i cheated. except one night when I’d been falsely arrested, which led to charges being dropped I could still smell her sex the next day and from her story about having met a friendly stranger who put her up that night it didn’t take a genius to figure out how he was paid. lol, within 3 weeks she was put out by me. i really don’t have time for that nonsense. that’s when shortly after the other 2 became 8nvolved, yes coordinated by her. interest8ngly, all 3 have had years of therapy and were prescribed psychotropic. 2 suicidal, all suffer8ng anxiety and depression and QUICK to call all their past relationships as having been narcissists. what they didn’t know is I knew the men, all successful and happy, good men. oops. like I said, hilarious. it was a little rough deal8ng with them, but I shut them down and locked them out to just move forward. I’m not a victim. lol, I am too secure 8n myself and can’t be manipulated. call out BS mercilessly. Next! roflol

  3. Elizabeth, Thank you for writing this article. I am my husband’s 4th wife and he recently filed for divorce. There were so many days that I had anxiety attacks because he would make impulsive, life altering decisions that didn’t make sense. I never knew what mood he’d be in so I walked on eggshells most of the time. For 3 years I walked him through the most rudimentary emotional and life tasks that he doesn’t seem to have the skill set to manage. I very kindly and patiently “talked him down” from situations. There were times he get so angry and yell at me in the most visceral, condemning ways.
    When we met, I thought he was the nicest man I’d ever met and that his other three wives were silly for mistreating this super nice man. I decided I was going to love him, and I did. But sometimes he would be very rude to service people or go off about some perceived slight he’d gotten. He is very judgmental and irreverent and would say the most bizarre things to me. When I was drained, I begged him to give me space to heal and promised I’d be back if I could only focus on healing my nervous system and focusing on my work because he had been fired from 3 jobs (once for being viscerally hostile and aggressive with his female boss) and I was trying to find some semblance of stability.
    Once I started asking for a break and not feeding his chaos and turmoil, he told me he wanted a divorce. Then he would tell me the next day he loved me and to have a good day before kissing me and going to work. He accused me of making my daughter’s boyfriend who was 20, the man of the house because I asked him to change a battery in the smoke detector upstairs bc it was beeping. It was something weird like that all the time and I had no idea.
    When I stopped engaging, he met someone else and filed for divorce and had my kids and I removed from the home that was his before we met. I kept asking him how he was treating me like a transaction and had no empathy for what he was putting me through he said it’s just business.
    Before he filed, we agreed to go to counseling then the following weekend he told his family all kinds of trash about me and said he’s divorcing me.
    Since the first week we married, I’ve felt like I live with a toddler who’s constantly tugging on my pants leg for attention and support, but he couldn’t really give back emotional support. When I moved out, I was still in shock at his treatment of me. I’m an empath so I started doing personality tests and trying to figure out what I should’ve been didn’t see.
    He’s happily moved on and has absolutely no regard for the deep pain I’m in. After he filed for divorce, we were at a bank and he coldly introduced me at the woman he’s divorcing. He’s done weird, unfeeling things like this before and I found it jarring, but I never understood that I was living with a narcissist until I started trying to untangle my feelings and work through what happened.
    This article and others are like a book written about my life with him. I could never get my balance because I was always so enmeshed in trying to help him. I had to tell him, always being focused on your problems (when it became apparent he would always have something to deal with even if he created it) leaves me without the emotional energy I need to take care of myself.
    I am grateful to be getting a better understanding of what I went through and I’m still working to heal.

    1. This has more of a BPD Ring to it than just narcissistic Personality Disorder. Either way I’m sorry to hear what you and your children have been through. It’s incredibly hard to live through and heal from and it sounds like you’re getting the help you need and going forward can help your children recover as well.

  4. My current husband looses his mind over something being out of place, then he goes into describing how lazy I am, how I must not care about him or his needs or how he likes things to be. This last time was last night. I always cook dinner when I get home from work, I try to make as little mess as possible because he cleans up after dinner. Tonight, I had to run to the bathroom after dinner, as I have anxiety caused constipation, and when I came out of the bathroom, he was happily cleaning the kitchen. I sat down at our breakfast nook and chatted happily with him. As he cleaned his last dish he placed the dish rag across the sink and turned to the opposite side of the kitchen and noticed he had overlooked a pot lid. He immediately changed into this horrible angry man and started banging on the counter and asking me why I didn’t see it there and why I didn’t help him by bringing all the dishes over to his side of the sink.
    Then he went and got my 13 year old son from his bedroom and sat us both down in the breakfast nook area. He proceeded to yell at us and blame us for him missing the dish and told us from now on if he missed another dish because we were too lazy to bring all the dirty dishes to him after dinner then he would throw them all away and never buy new ones!

    We say there in horror as he told us how lazy we were and how we obviously didn’t care that he had to clean the kitchen for 30 minutes, and we never offer to help him!

    I slept in another room last night because after that he pulled me into our bedroom and told me how I never am attracted to him anymore, I never agree with him anymore, and I always do what I want regardless of how it makes him feel, like leaving a cup on the table and not putting it in the dishwasher when I am done with it!

    I don’t know if he is narcissistic, but if things don’t go according to how he wants them to go then this happens. About once every couple weeks. It always ends in me crying myself to sleep and feeling like the worst wife ever.

    1. Get out and take your son with you. Whatever you call his condition it is damaging and dangerous to you and will continuously traumatize your child. Better to get out now. Find an organization to help you make a break to a new environment.

  5. Our family is dysfunctional at best. Us four siblings have enough baggage that we shouldn’t need any outside help. Enter the narcissistic baby brother. Cruel, calculating and so devoid of empathy that he laughs at funerals. The blessing is, he lives 1700 miles away. A once or twice a year encounter is enough for the whole family. He is not mentioned at family gatherings the rest of the year.. When he does come home, we may see him for a total 1 or 2 days out of a 10 day visit. The rest of the time he is with his old friends spreading rumors ( people we deal with on a daily basis.). Not only did my anxiety go through the roof on these visits but the fallout afterwards affected members of my family long after he left. Try as I might, I can ignore my brother to a point but his visits were taking a toll on me. I don’t dance to his tune or react to him anymore but cringe at the that ill wind that blows through afterwards. This past year, I had had enough.. I went on vacation while he was here. It worked. People would say, you missed your brother when he was in town. My reply..Yes, I heard, I wish he had told me he was coming. Touche`. Every relationship he has been in has ended badly. His trail of damage is wide. He burns bridges for fun. Narcissistic people suck.

  6. 100% agree with this. I went through all of this and in the end I needed to see somebody. Went through 6 months of hell to get myself back so the sooner you realise the better but sometimes it’s very hard to see what’s happening in front of you.
    Best advice is the ignoring it all as 2 1/2 years on it all came out like you say it does.

  7. I read this article last night because my boyfriend posted it on Facebook. About a year ago a mutual friend said I was a narcissist victim. My boyfriend had pushed me and tackled me to the ground screaming so I hid to protect my self in a closet. He called 911 and I was baker acted. Of course the story he told was he was afraid I was going to kill myself. I was released in 24 hours because the physicist after talking to my son and mother felt I wasn’t a threat to my self or anyone else. Our mutal friends at the time took his side. I kicked him out and within 2 months allowed him back.

    Every day he tells me what I have done wrong…..Lectures me. He calls me out for every little thing. Some true but some so far fetched that I don’t know were it comes from. I just sit and take it. If I call him out on anything he calls me a narcissist and gets intensely angry. So much so that I fear for my safety. But yet again, he says I say that for the attention because I am a narcissist. I don’t tell anyone how bad it is. I don’t talk to anyone anymore because when we make plans to do something with friends we inability get into some kind of fight that he blames on my anxiety. Sure I have anexity. I live in constant fear of how he will react to anything.

    My sons see how he talks. Everything that happens is someone else’s fault. But the article he posted was for me. Am I the narcissist? Am I the crazy one? i read the article and I see him. But that friend…..she said I was the one.

    I been to counseling this past year. It was more of a place to just talk about my feelings.

    I am now more confused . If I am the narcissist, that’s not who I want to be. I don’t know anymore.

  8. My husbands exwife is currently conducting a smear campaign against me… unfortunately over the past 3 years i have reacted to her abuse. but my husband deleted all the emails and messages of abuse she sent to me via him… she never responds to me… So when i did finally had enough and reacted i look the crazy one… Shes an excop and a lawyer and now she says she is taking out a violence order against me and has made police statements… All because she hates seeing my husband and I happy living our lives.. how on earth do you fight agianst this???

    1. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves, that’s in the past now, your husband and yourself are happy, leave her to it.

      Most people react at some point, does your reaction in any way show what you reacted to? If she gets an order she gets an order, anything you or your husband receive from her, from now on just save and leave her two it.

      She’s playing a part in your lives and getting your attention, no longer play her games, think of it as she’s no longer welcome in your marriage and the only way to cut her out, is to stop responding.

  9. I am 57 years old. I dated a girl in high school and then up and joined the marine corp, leaving her behind. After 36 years she friend request me on Facebook i didn’t respond at first and after 2 weeks or so i responded…bad move…lol. Anyway i flew her in from New York, where she was visiting her daughter. We hit it off pertty good. I had gotten married when i got out of the marines kids.. And divorced 1 year later.. She never got married but had a daughter. After about 3 months we drove to Fla and got her belongings and dog. After we got back to Memphis where i lived. It didn’t take long for things to start happening.. She got very abusive.. She went to jail 3 times for 3rd degree batt. On me. Once which includes stabbing me which she sweres up and down she didn’t do it. Went to jail and wes released after 30 days with fine and probation… I still hadn’t learned… Then she went back to jail fo possession of meth. Got out again on probation and fine. Im have a tumor on my brain now and is inoperable. I have since noticed things comming up missing. And she sweres to God she knowes nothing of these things,but we are the only two in the house… She can not keep a job due to her opioid addiction. She steal my pain meds and claims she has rheumatoid arthritis. So she gets her own pain killers .. Not to mention adderal and between the two she has lost her mind has become very narcissistic and tries to turn everything around like it is my fault and I’ve done it and swear it on Bibles that is not her I have tried to get out of this relation but I cannot seem to get away and get my own place because of financial situations. She will stay up for three to four days at a time and then down for 2 days backup and at it again eating pain meds and snorting crystal methamphetamine and smoking it also. she has recently started staying out for 2 days at a time, then coming home raising hell and passing out after a while. Help me please with some advice what do I do ???

  10. I’ll say this.I married one.Never knew about narcissist until his real self came out more ..,They become this wolf in sheep’s clothing….abusing those who love them ….nice to others….they’ll do anything to not have their fake I’d exposed…..They are great manipulators and liars.If you’re with one please find away out!It means your life.Mine would abuse me many ways and then tell others I had a meltdown.They will exploit your emotional vulnerability…and feed on like a hungry wolf on the hunt…..They may even claim to love God….while infa t they are evil spawns of Satan.If you want to live,find away out asap!They will infactdrain you dry of even your humanity!Pray and God will help you but you have to take the first step…..Disconnect from their lifeline or they’ll keep feeding on you…..They might say you need to pray….while indeed they just prey…..mNomatter how much you love them it will never be enough!They cannot love ,they just need….you to feed their sickness.,their ego.Get out!Find help,stay out and work on healing.You can do it!I did!and even then he hoovered me……but I didn’t cave….I ignored….I’m out and alive! And I know I am loved….by God and Jesus my Lord and Savior!Amen!This is serious people.They will eat you up alive!and never think once about spitting you out!Thank You God for delivering me and my son who is a good person with special needs.Amen.

  11. My husband is a narcissist I’ve been through everything you talked about and I finally decide to leave I have two children and it’s sad because they going to lose their dad he never help me always abuse me physically mentally and emotionally and he’s money hungry he’s controlling don’t want me to have friends I can’t go nowhere can’t wear certain things always putting blame on me he cheat he lies he’s a womanizer everything is always my fault He tell my family and friends telling them I’m crazy telling them i spin up all the money when he don’t give me money if he do its only a couple of Dollars very cheap don’t help with bills the kids he just want my money how I don’t love him all type of crazy things how I don’t show him know attention u name it he will blame it

  12. I was married to an abuser. I married my high school sweetheart who I dated 3 years. I married Dr Jeckle and woke up with Mr. Hyde! I was 18 and was sheltered and loved by my family. I went to Germany to be with him when he was in the army. I was in shock! He was not there to meet me at airport! Finally, another soldier helped get a call through to him and he flew to get me. He claimed the airlines got schedule wrong, and me of course. I was cursed at, yelled at, best all over with his fists, kicked in stomach when almost ready to have our little girl. I’d be laying on floor couldn’t get up! He took my check from work, signed my name and spent it. I worked, made more than he did, got a beating if I bought hairspray or pantyhose for work, or Pampers for our baby, I had to wash and dry diapers. I had to cook dinner from scratch every
    Night. I could not say anything he agreed with me about. He became more demanding every day. My life was exactly like the book Behind Closed Doors! I finally had enough! I got to the point I hated him for all of it! He would not even let me be a person. I felt like property. I finally called my mom and dad and after five years, I left him and I and our daughter went to live with my parents! I divorced him and found myself! They never change!! Get out before he kills you and children! Never look back!!!

  13. I need people opinion. My story was just a bit different. My narcissists was my long time girlfriends mother. Every trait that was named in the YouTube video is what she did me. In the beginning of my relationship with her daughter I wasn’t the best at tending to her emotional needs but I always been the best partner. After 2 years, we had our daughter and I completely changed. Stoped hanging out. Started bringing all the money to her and paying attention to her needs. 1 year later we had a son and I really buckled down. Now I tell her she’s beautiful everyday and anytime we get a chance with no children, I want to do anything with her. Last year her mother moved in with us to “Help”. I didn’t notice the signs in the beginning. I get off work and she is underneath the blanket with my lady in our bed. Or randomly my ex would burst in the room highly upset about something she would only know if her mom told her. They begin opening my mail (my ex and I never did that) and she would say get upset about a bill that doesn’t concern her. Anyway, months go by of me depositing my entire paycheck into my ex acct: so we can grow together and she was much better with budgeting. My ex decides to leave me for the weekend with kids while she doesn’t tell me where she is at. She did this twice so I left. When I asked to see the budget because I knew we were caught up, she would try to lie so she can keep funneling my money to her and her mom. She realized that I was catching on and that’s when I realized that they were setting up the smear campaign. By the time I realized, my ex was so far brainwashed that she didn’t trust me and all I did was love her. When I showed her facts that her mom was controlling because she is retired with a bottomless purse, she accused me of trying to manipulate the situation. I just knew where my heart was at. Well I left and I every time i bring facts, they run away and don’t speak to me because they can’t handle the fact that I caught on and left. There is soooo much more to the story. I would love to tell if anyone is interested. Work on yourself before you help others reach their goals.

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