Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
If you’re being smeared by the narcissist, what they do, and how you can help yourself.
The smear campaign is used, so the narcissist can keep their false self hidden, so you’re the crazy one, the trouble maker and you’re the abuser, everything they did to you, they’ll make out you did to them. So they can walk free.
It’s a method they use so they can get their reality in first, they usually start this before the relationship is even over, and you’ve no idea it’s happening. You might find out from someone around you. They might have even told someone knowing they’ll tell you. So they can watch you react. Possibly the first you’ll know about this is if you decide to stand up for yourself and try to tell someone who they really are. Or when you’ve escaped.
You may get blank looks, or shaking heads or disbelief, this is horrible when you really need someone’s help.
Some types of smears they use are.
You are the abuser, they will tell people how cruel you are to them, either not letting them have their say, not letting them go out with friends, always stalking their phone, ( which you may have done if you suspected they were cheating.) not looking after the home or children correctly. No showing any affection to them. Locking them out of the home, ( which you may have done out of fear.) to pouring freezing cold water over them whilst in the bath, pretending it’s a joke. They will give a long list whilst making out how good they were putting up with you.
Money, they will tell people they work hard every day, whilst you sit spending all their money. If you saved hard for 6 months to buy yourself a new coat they will tell people, you’ve blown their money again. Again if you’ve been with a narcissist you probably already know they try to bleed you dry.
They will say your a leach and a freeloader.
They’ll tell people that you’re crazy, that something is wrong with you but they need a formal diagnosis, ”they’ve got mental issues. I’ve tried to help but they’ll not listen, just saying theirs nothing wrong with them. I don’t know what else to do.” Yet again talking about themselves. The more you try to point out it’s them and not you, the crazier you look.
They’ll tell people, made up stuff you’ve said about them behind their back, again divide and conquer. If you’ve been with a narcissist you know they are envious of all others and happily talk about them behind their backs. Again they are describing themselves.
They will make out, you don’t give them any love or affection, yet you’re cheating on them, they’ve tried time and time again to give you a second chance. They will tell people who gossip first to spread it further. Again what the narcissist actually did to you.
They might say, you have an online gambling issue, going to the bookies. if you drink now and again they’ll tell people you’re an alcoholic, if you’ve gained a little weight, they’ll blame it on your addiction to take away food, as they already told people your no longer taking care of the house,
The smear campaign is the narcissist protection as they tell others you’ve been doing to them, exactly what they did to you.
If they tell people what they did but saying it was you, it’s very believable as they know what to say and all the ins and outs, and they are extremely convincing.
You can not stop them before they begin as you’ve not worked out what they are or what they are doing.
Stop reacting to the narcissist in an emotional fashion, do not let them know it’s bothering you, hard yes, but if they’re getting no reaction they may switch tactics.
If people approach you, to get gossip, just say “ I know they’ve told lies, I’m not interested in listening or defending myself, the truth will out one day” this will stop them from spreading more gossip. You could add “the police is looking into it”
Do not speak to them, it doesn’t work they got in their first. Instead, concentrate on helping yourself heal. They will always carry on being a narcissist and not change. Yet people will see how much happier you are without them, they will then make their own judgment call.
If you need support, only talk to the really good friends you trust. Or online help, to recover. Do not talk about it to those who believe the narcissist lies. Who’s blame them for believing, you know better than anybody, how well a narcissist can lie and manipulate. So don’t hate them, they’ve just been used, by the narcissist.
Any evidence you have, videos, messages, third-party witness, show those you’ve been smeared too, but let them make their own minds up. The narcissist will have forced their opinion on them without actual evidence, you can show them and let them make their own minds up.
The less you engage in the smear campaign, the less you engage with the narcissist, the more they will look to find enjoy elsewhere.
The best response is to ignore it all, third party’s that have been told soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will truly anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you’re at your Lowest point, as you may look crazy, rise above heal yourself. The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, you can walk free.